This document beta'd by the knowledgeable Mary Helen

Chapter 34: Snivellus and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Term

The train ride for Harry was uneventful, filled with a marathon session of Risk in which Ron ended up absolutely dominating Harry, Neville, Blaise and Anthony in a single turn by turning in a set of cards to gain a massive number of troops, then conquering the weakest players first to gain additional cards to turn in for an ever growing number of troops.

"That wasn't even fair," Anthony groused. "I'd finally taken over Australia and was building up my troops nicely. I would have had you if you'd just left me alone for a bit."

"Ah well, you win some you lose some," Harry said. He'd thought victory was within his grasp, having conquered Africa and South America and looking to smash Blaise in North America while Ron and Neville squabbled over Eurasia. The sudden whirlwind of violence from Ron had rapidly steamrolled through his back door though.

"Clever tactic there, Ron," Blaise mused. "You were just saving up your cards, waiting, weren't you?"

"It's all in the cards mate," Ron declared, scooping up the last of the plastic soldiers into their cases. "Once I got Neville's it was all over for you lot. I just saved Anthony for last, since he'd have been the least dangerous to take on alone."

"I still say the Australian turtle is the best strategy," Anthony muttered.

Neville shrugged, glancing out the window. "Looks like we're almost there though. Good thing all those teachers were on patrol in the halls. I think the quidditch teams are holding a bit of a grudge against us."

"I'm on the Gryffindor Quidditch team and I don't hold a grudge," Harry pointed out.

Ron shrugged. "I think you'd best not count on that mate. Oliver was nursing quite the grudge the last I heard. He might not even let Fred and George back on."

"Please. As long as I'm still the best Seeker in Gryffindor, Oliver will let me on the team without more than bit of grumbling. He's too competitive to let a grudge get in the way of winning the cup."

The boys all changed into their robes, and Harry felt good to once again be wearing his school uniform.

"I wonder if they'll let us have the club again," Anthony mused aloud, glancing at his Ravenclaw tie and badge. "Some people were complaining that we always sat together, and I don't know if the new DADA professor will be up for that."

"Remus Lupin seemed like a decent sort when I met him. Oh, yeah, you two didn't know, he's the new DADA Professor. I think Dumbledore is trying to use him to get me to accept Sirius Black as my magical guardian. Might be a bit awkward."

"We can make it work," Neville said. "If nothing else, we can always ask a new professor. Or just meet informally."

"I'm not giving it up, no matter what," Blaise vowed. "I've invested too much into this. My family has basically told the rest of Slytherin to go hang and declared itself allied with the Weasley's and basically a muggleborn. No one in Slytherin will ever take me seriously again."

"Daphne does," Anthony pointed out.

Blaise rolled her eyes. "And, shocker, she's in the same boat as me. Oh well. At least I have a prospective girlfriend who's sufficiently attractive and wealthy without a great deal of scruples."

"Mate, it is way too soon to be thinking about that," Ron said as they got off the train and headed for the carriages.

"Ron, I'm a Slytherin. Some of us actually make plans for our future, and plan for our futures to not involve a hoard of red headed children and poverty."

"Oi!" Ron narrowed his eyes. "Are you ragging on my family? Because if you are, we'll have to have words."

"Depends. Would you trade with me? Because honestly, having the same father my whole childhood and not wondering when the next one is going to end up having an 'accident' or if my mother is finally going to be killed or arrested sounds pretty good on those sleepless nights when I'm trying to figure out if my housemates are going to try to murder me again. Trust me, there are far worse things to be burdened with than a large family and little money."

"My life isn't always so fantastic you know," Ron muttered. "Though I see your point."

"Yeah, well, sorry," Blaise said. "My latest step father just had a 'heart attack.' Seems he was going to go to the aurors with evidence against mum. I apologize, I spoke in haste." Blaise offered his hand to Ron, who took it and shook his head.

"Bloody hell man, your life is like one of those daytime programs on the wireless my mum listens to."

"Welcome to Slytherin House. Leave your scruples at the door, and here's your dagger. Better get to stabbing those backs."

"Wow, you sound really bitter about the whole thing," Antony observed. "Maybe ask for a transfer? Ever since Terry dropped out of the Club Michael and I have been a bit lonely in our dorm."

"Of course not. I'd get bored without all the scheming. After all, I'm the heir to a criminal empire. Got to practice somewhere, right?"

Harry shook his head. When had his life become so complicated? Probably about the time he'd gotten that letter last year.

For once, the Defense Club members split up and sat at their house tables. Harry figured that at least for the Sorting Ceremony they should honor tradition, and had passed the word along. He sat with the rest of the Gryffindor's in his year, but leaned over to whisper into Wood's ear. "I'm still the best seeker in our house, you know. And I've got a Nimbus 2001 now. I'll let you borrow my 2000 if you let me back on the team."

Oliver didn't even hesitate. "Give the broom to Alicia, she's on a Comet 260 and I've got a Cleansweep 9. But you get quidditch canceled again McAllister and they'll never find your body."

"Cross my heart and hope to die, this is the year we win the cup, Oliver," Harry swore.

Oliver just grunted and nodded. "Show up to tryouts at least. I don't want to be accused of favoritism so I can't make it too blatant."

"Oliver, you'd play a Slytherin if you thought they were best for the position and you could get away with it."

"Well, yes," Oliver admitted. "But I would at least make them wear Gryffindor colors."

The doors of the Great Hall boomed open, and silence fell as the first years trooped in. Harry waved to Ginny and Astoria, who were walking in side by side. Ginny waved back, but Astoria looked as though she was going to be sick.

"What's been eating her and Daphne?" Harry asked Hermione. "They've both been acting odd."

"Just a bit of girl problems, Harry," Hermione said.

"Gotcha." Having an older sister, he was very familiar with the concept of female illness, and like most males in general wanted as little to do with it as humanly possible.

The sorting hat was brought out with great ceremony, and placed on a stool. After a moment, it yawned, stretched, and burst into song.

A thinking cap is what I am

But sortings what I do!

I take a look inside your mind

And Find a place for you

To Gryffindor I send the brave

Those who hear adventures song

To Hufflepuff I send along

The loyalest and the diligent

For Ravenclaw I always find

Those with minds aglow

And Slytherin I ferret out

The cunning and the ambitious

But do not for a moment think

My wish is to divide

Instead I find those that hone

Your talents to their fullest

For what is bravery without brains?

Or ambition without loyalty?

And to find adventure you must work

Or find it ends in failure

And if you study without cunning

Your notes a mess will be!

So gather round this sorting hat

And join with one another

For though different houses you be

You all need each other

There was scattered applause, though Harry stood and whistled loudly, followed quickly by the members of the dueling club. After a few seconds, Harry sat back down and McGonagall brought out her long list of students.

For each student sorted, Harry made sure to give them polite applause, even if they went to another house. He clapped the loudest for those that ended up in Gryffindor of course, but he wanted to make sure every new student felt welcome. After all, each of them was a potential recruit.

"Are you Harry?" a new student said, popping down between Harry and Neville. "I'm Colin Creevy! Isn't being a wizard fantastic? Can I take your photo? I want to send one to my mum!"

"Er, maybe later Colin," Harry said. "After the feast I'd love to talk. Watch the sorting now, and don't forget to clap."

"Brilliant!"

And so it went. Astoria Greengrass ended up in Slytherin, and to Harry's surprise she seemed rather disappointed for a moment, then recover and walked to sit regally by her sister.

When Ginny's turn came at the end, a hush fell over the Gryffindor table. Ginny was somewhat famous herself, being the first female to bear the Weasley name in seven generations.

The hat was placed on Ginny's head, and Harry saw Ron and his brothers holding their breath. After what seemed like an eternity, but was actually about 30 seconds, the hat loudly declared, "Gryffindor!" The whole table burst into mad applause and cheers, and Ginny grinned and flounced over to sit with Percy, who pushed over a seventh year to make room for his sister.

"Good to see the whole family together then," Percy said, rubbing Ginny's hair affectionately.

"Lay off Perse, we all knew where I belonged," Ginny declared. "Now where's the food, I'm starving!"

"Yep, she's a Weasley alright," Angelina laughed. "A walking bottomless pit!"

"Shhh, the Headmaster has to give his speech," Percy hushed.

Dumbledore stood and walked to the lectern, and the crowd hushed. Harry heard several mutters about quidditch, and realized that the headmaster could very well retain the ban. He found himself holding his breath as well, crossing his fingers and praying that the headmaster would relent.

"I welcome you all, one and all, to a new year here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. First things first, the most vital point of order: on a trial basis, pending good behavior, the Quidditch House Cup will resume in October."

Harry joined in the jubilation, hugging Oliver and shouting his approval. Fred and George some how managed to set off fireworks from each table that soared around the room, all whistling, "We'll be good, promise gov!" In a thick Cockney accent. Harry noticed that Sirius Black sat up when he saw the fireworks, and was eyeing the Gryffindor table with an appraising air. Harry wondered if he was out to find the trouble makers and punish them; he certainly had a dark, brooding attitude still. Remus Lupin, upon seeing Black's reaction, had groaned and put his head in his hands. Snape's lips had become so thin they nearly vanished, and he stared daggers at Fred and George, who noticed and promptly blew raspberries the potions master's direction.

Instead of leaping to punish the miscreant brothers, Black guffawed and clapped his hands, giving the twins two thumbs up and a wide grin.

"What's that all about?" Harry asked Hermione, nodding in Black's direction.

Hermione's brow creased and she shrugged. "I don't know. You'd think he'd be a bit sterner, being the security officer and all."

Finally, the mayhem died down and the Headmaster smiled. "Now that that's out of the way, I am pleased to introduce our new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor as well as our new Security Officer, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black."

No sooner than the words had left Dumbledore's mouth, the lights went out. Just as everyone was starting to panic, a silver dog barreled out from the Gryffindor table, followed by a giant wolf, and a silvery stag. A small black rat streaked out as well, but was promptly trampled by the stag, clawed by the wolf, and then eaten by the dog. The stag hovered over Harry for a moment, and Harry felt as if he should know the beast for some reason. Then it reared, and together dog, stag and wolf raced out through the closed doors of the great hall, leaving behind silvery glowing words, "Marauders Part VIII: We're back, Bitches." Then the lights came on, the words dissolving in the candle light.

Harry and the others students stared wide eyed at the head table, trying to piece together what had just happened. Dumbledore seemed to suffer a sudden coughing fit, his eyes twinkling madly. Without ceremony, McGonagall reached under the table, pulled out a giant bottle of firewhiskey, and took a long swig. She handed the bottle to Snape, who after a moment took a long pull of his own, then passed it to Flitwick. This ceremony repeated itself for all the returning professors, save for Hagrid, who had developed a case of hiccups after a brief fit of raucous laughter.

Sirius Black was grinning hugely at Remus Lupin, and holding his right hand high in the air. Lupin had his head in his hands, but after a moment, reached up and high fived Sirius, then groaned and slumped back down as Sirius did the "I'm watching you" gesture at Fred and George, who nodded solemnly. Fred licked his finger, then made a tally mark on an invisible chalk board and pointed to Black, as if indicating he had just scored a point.

"What just happened?" Harry said loud, blinking in confusion.

"The Marauders are back," Fred observed.

"Looks like we've got competition," George agreed.

"Time for a prank war."

"Who are the Marauders?" Neville asked, but got no reply but evil grins from the twins.

Dumbledore's coughing fit was finally brought under control, and he cleared his throat. "I look forward to a most stimulating year with our newest staff members."

"Careful what you wish for," Snape snarled, his voice carrying surprisingly far in the stunned silence.

Black made little finger wands, and made little banging noises as he fired away at Snape as the headmaster continued speaking. "In light of last years difficulties, I am also announcing our new anti-bullying policy. Anyone caught using their wands in a malicious manner on another student will be subject to immediate discipline. A first violation will result in the loss of the wand for three days, including during class time. The second in the loss of the wand for two weeks, and the third expulsion. This does not include duels approved and monitored by staff members, including the activities of our prestigious Defence Club, which Professor Lupin will be hosting this year. Those interested in joining should inquire with Professor Lupin, or with students Neville Longbottom or Harry McAlister."

"Huh. That answers that question," Harry muttered.

Neville nodded, but said, "And raises about half a dozen more."

"With that business out of the way, I will speak the most important words of the evening: Wozzle, fluntnip, aberdone."

Food appeared on the table, and other thoughts fled as Harry dug into the meal. As much as he hated to admit it, he had sort of missed the pumpkin flavoring, as he'd had nothing with pumpkin in it since the end of last term.

"The flavor sort of grows on you, you know?" Harry observed to Ron as he took a large bite of pumpkin bread.

Ron nodded eagerly. "Me, I'm just glad we don't have to eat any more ORPs for a few months."

"Shhh!" Harry hissed glancing around. Ron flushed, but didn't apologize, instead focusing on eating more than Ginny was, which was looking to be rather a near thing at the moment.

Once the feast was over, Harry noticed Percy lingering at the table, looking slightly forlorn as the Gryffindor Prefects rounded up the new first years.

"Missing your badge?" Harry asked quietly.

Percy looked up, frowned at Harry, and glanced at the other prefects. Like the other houses, Gryffindor was one short, the prefects who had had their badges taken away remaining as a reminder of sins past. "I bit, I suppose," Percy admitted. "But not enough to really regret coming to your aide. I knew I could get in trouble for it, and maybe I should have been trying to calm things down. But hang it all, my brothers were in danger, and so were you and your friends. I couldn't just bluster my way in, waving my badge. I had to take action."

"And that pretty much summarizes why we're conspiring against basically every authority figure in Magical Britain," Harry whispered.

Percy winked back. "You know us Weasley's. We're troublemakers."

Trooping back up to the dorms felt an awful lot like going home, Harry mused. He was glad to see they'd be back in the same rooms, and made straight for his usual bed, where his trunk was already placed. Ron and Neville began putting up the Westham poster, along with pictures of Dean and Seamus where their beds would have been. Harry silently placed a four leaf clover he'd found on an end table and moved it over beneath the poster, along with a photo of the four first year boys, taken shortly before the Christmas Holidays.

"It's been months, but I still feel like they should be here, with us," Neville said quietly.

Ron nodded solemnly. "It's because they should. They were murdered, before their time. I'll never forget either of them."

"It helped, talking about them with the therapists. But it doesn't change what we have to do," Harry vowed.

Drawing out their wands, the three saluted the shrine, then retired to their beds.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\/\/\

The first day of classes went by quickly. Teachers didn't waste any time, diving right into what the major points of the first semester would be, and assigning homework to be completed by the weekend.

In potions class, Harry sighed and placed the cherry bomb in Malfoy's cauldron when he wasn't looking. It just wasn't as much fun when the professor had given you the tools and ordered you to do the prank. He saw Hermione slipping one into Pansy's cauldron, shrugging at Daphne when she noticed and gave Hermione a horrified look. Ron sabotaged Crabbe and Goyle's potion, and Neville just tripped and knocked over Lavender and Parvati's brew, dousing the room in foul smelling liquid. Before Snape could even begin to harangue him, the cherry bombs went off, destroying three cauldrons and giving everyone a thick coat of smelly, half finished fungus removal potions.

"Detention," Snape growled. "All four of you. Every Saturday for the next ten weeks."

"You can't even prove it was us!" Harry protested, offended that Snape wouldn't even put forth the effort of an investigation.

"Well, was it you, Longbottom, Granger and Weasley that sabotaged the Slytherin potions or not?" Snape demanded.

"Yes, yes it was," Hermione said, wiping potion off her face and grimacing.

"Then obviously you deserve the detentions. Ten points off for your cheek as well, McAllister, and five points from each of you for the disaster."

"Fantastic, everyone's just going to love us now," Harry grumped as they made their way out of the dungeons to the greenhouse.

"We were going to get the detentions anyway Harry, you needn't have complained," Hermione lectured.

As they rounded the corner, Sirius Black came dashing up, skidding to a halt on the tiled floor in front of them. "I heard there was an explosion in the potions lab," he panted, glaring at the four students. "What happened?"

Harry winced, certain he was about to lose even more points from the new security officer. "We um, we put cherry bombs in the Slytherin cauldrons."

"Really?" Sirius' eyes flashed. "And why did you do that in Snape's class?"

"Because we have a rivalry with Slytherin," Neville said smoothly. "They attacked us on the train last year."

"Also, Snape is a git," Ron added with verve.

Sighing, Hermione nodded. "It seemed only the proper thing to do."

"Excellent, excellent!" Black said, rubbing his hands together eagerly. "Old Snivellus won't stand a chance this year. Er, I guess that's professor Snape to you. Did he take points?"

"Yeah, he took 30, why?" Harry said, confused by the man's behavior until he recalled the events of the night before. Maybe Black was just deranged still.

"Oh, no reason. Say, you were all walking very safely in the halls. I think that should be ten points each to Gryffindor!"

A group of Ravenclaw first years were walking by, escorted by a prefect. "Can we have some points too?" one of the first years said hopefully. "We were walking safely."

"Oh, um, yeah, one point to Ravenclaw," Black muttered, then ran off, muttering about having to "outdo his godson."

"Oh bloody hell," the prefectt moaned. "It's going to be like the Year of the Badger all over again!"

"Wasn't that last year when Hufflepuff ended up with 9283 points because of blatant favoritism?" a first year asked.

The prefect nodded, their expression grim. "Yes. Yes it was."

"Personally, I think house points are rubbish," Harry said, earning glares from the eagles, save for one dreamy looking blonde girl who nodded.

"Yes, they're designed to attract Blibbering Humdingers to feed off our competitive spirits so they can be harvested for Fudge's army of heliopaths."

The other Ravenclaws groaned and rolled their eyes, and the prefect lead the first years off, the little blonde girl training behind. She turned and waved to the four perplexed Gryffindors, who automatically waved back.

"What was that nonsense about?" Ron wondered. "What's a blibbering humdinger? Or a heliopath?"

Shrugging, Neville turned and started off to the greenhouse again. "It sounds like something out of The Quibbler. Don't tell anyone, but my Gran secretly reads every copy. I don't think she believes any of it, but she adores the conspiracy theories."

"What's a quibbler?" Harry asked.

"Think The Sun, but add in a lot more conspiracy theories and remove most celebrity bits," Hermione said.

Thinking on that for a moment, Harry shuddered. "Wow. Do they ever report on anything that's real?"

After Herbology came Defense Against the Dark Arts. Harry had mixed feelings about the class. On one hand, there was no way that Lupin could actually be worse than Voldemort himself trying to kill everyone. On the other, Tonks had done a bang up job, and would be near impossible to top. Harry was also expecting Dumbledore to use Lupin to help pressure him in staying with Black willingly at some point, and wasn't looking forward to spending a lot of time with the man.

"Welcome to your second year of Defense Against the Dark Arts," Lupin said once the Gryffindors and Slytherins had been seated. "While I know your first semester last term was a bit rocky," there was scattered nervous giggles at the massive understatement, "I worked closely with Professor Tonks over the summer and have a good idea of where you are at. You have a solid grounding in jinxes and hexes, and how to counter them. This year, we're going to start on how to defend yourself not just against minor curses, but against many of the dark creatures that inhabit this world."

Harry noticed Daphne's face fall when this was said, and that Lavender put a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder. He recalled that someone had mentioned a werewolf attack near her home, and shuddered, recalling the near thing with the Weasley family over the summer as well.

"This year we will cover the most common creatures found in Magical Britain, and how to defend yourself against them."

"Curse them to bits," Malfoy muttered, and got giggles from Crabbe and Goyle.

"Next time, please raise your hand Mr. Malfoy," Lupin said smoothly. "But yes, in many situations, attacking the magical creature directly would work. In fact, I'm going to recommend such an approach with the subject of today's lesson. Observe."

From behind his desk, Lupin pulled out several small cages that rattled and shook silently. Inside were small, blue skinned winged creatures who made faces and rude gestures at the class, though no noise escaped the cages.

"Pixies?" Blaise said, frowning. "Those aren't very dangerous."

"Of course not!" Lupin said, chuckling. "You're only in your second year. I wouldn't expect you to go up against a boggart, let alone a banshee or something equally deadly. No, a pixie is more of a nuisance than anything else. What can you tell me about them? Yes, Mrs. Granger."

"Pixies are small members of the fae family. They are notorious thieves, collecting bright shiny objects like magpies, but also those with magical properties as they feed off the ambient magic within the items. They are known to abduct witches and wizards to feed of their magical energy as well, including children. This is where the changeling myth comes from. They are not usually dangerous to adults except in large numbers."

"Brilliant! Five points to Gryffindor. Indeed, you are correct. Now, let me explain how to deal the the pixie. As Mr. Malfoy pointed out, several basic charms and hexes can be used against the pixie to drive it off. A basic stinging hex or knockback jinx would do nicely. However, if the pixie has stolen something of yours, this complicates matters, as you don't want to merely drive it off. How could you handle it then? Yes, Miss Patil?"

"Impedimenta?" Parvati asked. "So you could slow it down and catch it and get back whatever it had."

"Good! Yes, that would work well, two points to Gryffindor. Any other ideas? Mr. Zabini."

"Ductio, the tracking charm. You could find the pixies lair. Then you could not only get back your item, but any other items the pixie had stolen. I'd probably also want to bring along a friend, and maybe a potion of bottled dreams to knock the pixies out in their lair so I wouldn't be in danger myself."

"Ah! A cunning plan, very befitting of your house. Eight points to Slytherin. Yes Miss Bulstrode?"

"What about the spell Gilderoy Lockhart mentioned in his latest interview in Witch Weekly, Peskipiksi Pesternomi?"

Lupin frowned. "Yes, well, I'm afraid as in many things, Mr. Lockhart is mistaken in this case. That is not a real spell. In fact, it appears to simply be gibberish that Mr. Lockhart made up on the spot during his interview."

"But Mr. Lockhart is a world renowned expert on dark creatures!" Lavender protested.

Gritting his teeth, Lupin growled, "We will discuss Mr. Lockhart and his methods at a later date. My Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff class in your year earlier was also enamoured of him, as was the Gryffindor/Slytherin third year class. I will be...delighted...to go over the many glaring inaccuracies in his texts as well as the many flaws in the timeline of his supposed victories with you, as they are excellent examples of how to get yourself killed. Wrestling a werewolf. The very idea. The homorphus charm doesn't even work that way."

Seeing that Lupin was getting increasingly irritated on the subject, the students wisely did not mention Lockhart again. To Harry's surprise, he actually rather enjoyed the rest of the period. Lupin had them come up in groups of two or there and would release a cage of pixies with a nearby magical item, and an open window on the other side of the room. The students would have to either prevent the pixies from getting the magical item in the first place, or prevent them from successfully absconding with the item. Only Crabb and Goyle managed to fail, and only because they detonated their pixies and destroyed them along with the item they were supposed to retrieve.

"Not bad, not bad at all. For homework, I want an essay on what magical creatures you could expect to encounter in your own home, essay due next week. No length requirement, I only require that you go into sufficient detail that I can know the geography and location of your home and what magical creatures would frequent it. Your textbook will be most enlightening in that regard. Oh, and Miss Granger, I start to lose interest in any essay over 20 inches, so keep it to that, alright? Dismissed."

Harry left feeling pleasantly surprised: his first day of DADA lessons hadn't been half bad at all. Maybe this year would be OK after all, provided he could dodge the machinations of Black and Dumbledore.