I know it's gotta go like this, I know
hell will always come before you grow
Trouble found me, trouble found me

Blake looked across the table at his friend, more worried than he had ever been, as she pushed around the peas on her plate and struggled to keep her eyes open. Every now and then her head began to droop down before jerking back up, realizing she was still awake. It had been Hayley's idea to go to dinner, insisting she needed to get out of the apartment, closing the door before Blake could even try and set foot inside.

''Jesus, when's the last time you actually slept?'' he asked, his eyebrows creased in real concern.

''Uh, yesterday,'' she answered, widening her eyes to wake herself up. ''I'm always tired, you know that,''

''Not like this,'' he denied. ''Have you gone to a session with Rafferty yet?''

Hayley groaned, shaking her head and looking over to him as if he was now the bad guy. The last thing she wanted to do was go back into therapy, but it was something she knew everyone would push her into. Eventually she would, but for now she needed to left alone from all of the evaluating and analyzing.

''If you just talk to someone about what happened you'll be able to sleep better, you'll be able to eat, to try and get back to where you were,'' he encouraged.

''I can sleep, eat and function without a shrink Blake,'' she refused.

Blake clenched his jaw and put down his fork, his hands stretching in frustration.

''Do you know how hard it is to talk to you when you're like this?'' he snapped. ''What happened to you scared the shit out of me, it wasn't a little mishap on a mission, you understand that don't you?''

''I know what happened,''

''Then why aren't you getting some help? You know you have to take care of yourself,''

''I am! I know how to take care of myself! I don't want a shrink right now, I don't want a babysitter and I don't need you leaving your life to come back here and take care of me, alright?'' she explained. ''When I tell you I'm okay, believe me,''

Blake stared back at her and let out a sad sigh.

''I wish I could O'Connor,'' he shrugged. ''Unfortunately I know you too well,''

''I was a soldier for years Blake, I was trained for what could happen if we were ever taken by the enemy,'' she explained.

''You and I both know that training is worth nothing when it actually happens,'' he argued, knowing all too well what that was like.

Blake's memories of Loki's control haunted him still to this day. Having no control over his body, being trapped in a different mind. It was unbearable to relive over and over again.

''I need people to stop reminding me about it,'' she huffed. ''Stop asking me if I'm okay, stop telling me I need to deal with it. Can't I just forget about it for a while?''

''It won't leave you alone until you deal with it,'' Blake shook his head.

''I'm dealing with it just fine,'' she picked up her fork and took a mouthful of potato.

Blake didn't want to argue with her anymore, especially since he understood not wanting to be reminded about what happened. He knew she wasn't okay, he knew she needed to get help, but this time Hayley knew that too. Blake couldn't force her into this and as worried as he was, he trusted her.

''So,'' he began, picking his fork back up to continue eating. ''How are things with Steve?''

Hayley looked up at him, confused.

''What do you mean?''

''Let's skip over the whole part where you pretend I'm an idiot,'' he told her with a knowing look. ''Something's going on, I can tell,''

''Nothing's going on,'' she rolled her eyes. ''We were just getting...too-''

''Too close,'' Blake nodded. ''And you pushed him away,''

''I didn't push him away,'' she denied, although she knew he was right. ''I just didn't want him to be tied to me. He doesn't need me anymore,''

''You think he just stuck around because he needed you?'' Blake asked, eyebrows drawn in concern. ''Are you kidding?''

''We were assigned to fix one another, weren't we? Steve doesn't need that anymore, he doesn't need me, if anything I'd be pulling him back and he doesn't deserve that,'' Hayley explained. ''I won't do that to him,''

Blake watched as Hayley looked back down at her food, beginning to push it around with her fork once again, uninterested. Steve was someone who knew how to get through to her, as much as Blake had tried over the years, he knew it was Steve. Pushing him away wasn't good for either of them, and Blake knew it was Hayley's way of protecting herself, hiding away from anyone who she knew could see through her.

''He does need you Hayley,'' Blake assured. ''Not to fix him, but just not to shut him out. You've just cut him out of your life because you're scared,''

''I didn't cut him out,''

''How many times have I seen you do this? You get too close and you run. Steve misses the hell out of you, you know he does, and you're putting up this unnecessary wall. Look, I'm not here to give you lecture after lecture,''

''Good, because I don't need them,'' she nodded, pushing back in her seat and folding her arms.

Blake looked over to her with a shake of his head and a long sigh.

''One day you're going to give me an aneurysm,''

Hayley walked down the street with a bag of groceries in her hand, chewing loudly on a piece of bubblegum from the large packet she bought. She had insisted that Blake head back to his hotel since she had a few necessities to pick up, but looking down at the bag now, she realized all the food she had picked up was mostly Red Vines and assorted chocolate.

As she headed further down, she let herself stare at the old building that was once her nightly ritual. The old gym that she and Steve made their own, the gym she hadn't visited in so long. The light was on inside, the broken upper window letting her know someone was inside.

Walking closer, she could faintly hear the sound of the old record player she had put inside for Steve to revisit the music he used to listen to. It was playing an old record, one of his favorites if she remembered correctly. Then as she rounded the back corner to the entrance, she could hear Steve's fists hitting the bags hard. Throwing punches of frustration.

Standing outside the door, Hayley listened and thought about how the past few months. It was her fault they had drifted apart - she tore them apart, after all. When she woke from her nightmares, she still searched from him in the room. When she felt herself slipping into the pit she had worked so hard to pull herself out of, she wished he was still there with her, stopping her.

It wasn't Steve needing her that made her run, it was the fact she always needed him. Even when she didn't want to.

Dropping the bag of groceries outside by the door, Hayley stepped inside and walked toward Steve by the bags. It took a few moments for Steve to turn toward the hurried steps in the gym, his body rigid in surprise, before he realized who it was.

''Hayley?'' he breathed, noting her sad expression.

But Hayley didn't say anything to him in return. She didn't explain why she was walking around so late at night or why she just barged into the gym, she just threw her arms around him and buried her head against his chest. He was still heaving for breath from his workout, his shirt damp from sweat, but Hayley just clung to him as if none of that registered to her.

''H-Hayley?'' Steve spoke softly, his arms going around her protectively, holding her close. ''What's happened?''

Hayley shook her head against him.

''Nothing,'' she whispered in return.

Steve looked terrified as he held her in his arms, his thoughts running wild with what could be going on. But he didn't ask her any more, sensing she didn't want to talk anyway. So he just stood there and hugged her tight, waiting, missing how it felt.

Hayley didn't know how long she had been standing there holding onto him silently, but when she spoke if felt like it had been hours since a word had left her lips.

''I miss you,'' she told him. ''God, I miss you,''

Steve rubbed her back softly.

''I haven't gone anywhere,''

Hayley listened to his voice in her ear and wished everything could go back to the way it was. Before she thought of loved ones as leverage and weaknesses, before Flynn told her that's all they turned into, before Borya broke her down into the person she never wanted to be again. But it didn't work like that. She couldn't go back.

Pulling away from Steve's arms, Hayley took a few steps back and gave him a light smile. She wanted to say sorry, for everything and now for this, but as most of her interactions went these days, she left.

Closing her door behind her, Hayley threw her keys somewhere in her apartment, knowing she would be frantic searching for them tomorrow. But she was too frustrated at herself to care about that right now.

Sliding the lock of the three chains into place, she walked toward the kitchen and pressed the button on her answering machine which had a blinking red light. She had begun to unpack the bag of groceries when she heard her mother's voice fill the apartment.

Hayley, sweetie, we're getting so worried about you. Please, call us, let us know you're okay. You can talk to us, you can come home, we're always here for you.

Staring over at the machine, Hayley listened as the line fell silent and the next message began to play.

Hey honey, it's dad. Your mom really wants to hear from you, and so do I kiddo. Just let us know how you're holding up, okay? You know you can come back whenever you want, we're not going anywhere. We love you Hayley.

Everyone worried, everyone wanted her home, everyone wanted to hear from her. But Hayley didn't know what to say. How could she explain what she was feeling? The paranoia, the anxiety, the inability to sleep, the feeling of always being haunted.

Her hands shook as she reached for the bag again, pulling out bags of Red Vines until she got to the last item. A bottle of cheap, hard Scotch. Setting it onto the counter of her kitchen, Hayley unscrewed the cap and looked at the glass she had sitting by the sink. But instead of filling it up, she lifted the glass bottle to her lips and swallowed down the burning liquid.

This is just where she had been before she met Steve. Half a bottle would put her to sleep, but the whole thing would make sure she didn't wake up for hours. She would dream of nothing, no nightmares or images that shook her awake, nothing. It was the closest to peace she had.

Steve had been thinking about Hayley's visit to the gym for hours now. He had tried to get back to his workout, but his mind couldn't focus on anything but the look on Hayley's face when she rushed over to him. Something wasn't right, that he knew already, but he hadn't seen Hayley like this before.

Walking up the stairs in the early hours of the morning, Steve looked over to her apartment out of habit, and he couldn't get his feet to take him any further. Making his way over to the door, he could hear the sound of the radio playing in the living room. He knew she had trouble sleeping, and he couldn't help but knock on the door.

''It's me,'' he called out. ''I just...I just want to talk,''

With no response, Steve could feel disappointment rising within him. Shutting him out only worked for so long.

''Hayley,'' he tried again. ''Come on,''

Resting his head against the door, his eyebrows pulled together in concern as he heard water flowing loudly. It was as if a tap had been forgotten about, overflowing in the sink, running wild.

Pushing the door open, he groaned in frustration when he saw the three chain locks straining against his push. But even at the sound of the door trying to be forced open, Hayley didn't appear. Something felt wrong, something was wrong.

Reaching in through the door, Steve wrapped his hand around the three chains and ripped them from the wall smoothly. He couldn't ignore the gut feeling he had, the one that grew even more worried when he opened the door and saw Hayley nowhere in sight.

''Hayley!'' he called out, panicked.

With no response again, Steve hurried to the sound of the running water. The kitchen tap was off, the sink dry as a bone, but the sound still loud and clear. Turning his head to the bathroom door that was open wide, his heart almost stopped completely at the sight of Hayley's arm hanging outside of the bath, motionless.

Steve ran into the room as fast as he could, seeing the bath overflowing with Hayley floating inside, her head hanging off the back and drooped to the side. She was fully clothed, jacket and all, with a bottle laying on the group with the tiniest amount of amber liquid swimming inside. It didn't take long for Steve to realized what had happened, but everything in him now focused on waking her up.

''Hayley!'' he yelled, arms going around her body and lifting her out of the water. ''Hayley, wake up! Hey!''

He pulled her into his lap as he collapsed down onto the bathroom floor, his hands shaking her body and lifting her head. Her skin was pale from the icy water, her lips dark and blue. Steve's heart was racing as he tried to wake her, his body becoming soaked as well.

''Please, please, please,'' he begged, beginning to worry she had swallowed water. ''Please, wake up! Hayley! Don't do this, don't do this,''

Steve was rocking back and forth as he ran his hand over her cheek, moving her head to sit up. He shook her as gently as he could while still being forceful, needing to see a reaction.

Minutes passed by, Steve was about to rush to the phone to call 911, and Hayley's eyes opened half-way, her lips parting with a tremble.

''S-Steve,'' she slurred, half-awake.

''Hayley!'' he gasped, his chest heaving in relief. ''Hey, hey, stay awake!''

''No,'' she mumbled. ''I need...need to sleep,''

''You need an ambul-''

''No!'' she shouted, still in a slur, reaching for his face. ''No, no, no, no,''

''Not a negotiation,'' Steve told her firmly.

''Please,'' she begged, grabbing the front of his shirt. ''No hosp...no ambulance, no,''

Steve stared down into the bloodshot eyes, listening to her weary voice and feeling her weak grip.

'''m okay,'' she tried to nod, looking up at him desperately. ''Please,''

''You're not,'' he shook his head, holding her close.

No, she was definitely not okay. Hayley was so far from okay it terrified him.