Losing Makoto

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

He was drowning in a pitch black sea with monstrous waves. Big, monstrous waves kept crashing down on him, forcing him down below the water surface, stealing his air. But it it wasn't just the waves, something had wrapped around his legs and was pulling him under. The touch paralyzed him and he could not move his legs, so all he could to was frantically use his arms to pull himself towards… towards what? He couldn't see anything! All around him was the darkness of night and seemingly endless ocean. What was he swimming for? Where was he swimming to?

Just as Makoto was about to give-up, he saw something, he wasn't sure but he thought he caught a glimpse of a sandy shore. Yes! There it was! A small light on a beach. Makoto started to swim towards it. Even fighting against the paralysis in his legs, willing them to move as he moved what muscles he could. Finally he reached the shore. But then was filled immediately with despair!

The bit of land was no larger than a room and contained nothing but an old fashioned but miraculously lit lantern, sitting outside a storm ravaged tent. Makoto collapsed on the sand. He was lost, confused and utterly alone. How did this happen? How did he get here? The last thing he remembered was being very, very thirsty and drinking lots of water. Shiori-san was telling him he had to go mingle with the guests. He was going to but he needed just one more drink of water…

Then he was here. Wherever here is. But even if he didn't know what here was, he knew why he was here. This was his punishment for hurting Haru and adding to Rin's suffering. He deserved to be here, alone, surrounded by raging seas.

By the time Rin got back to the club, the ambulance was already driving away. He picked-up snippets of conversation in Japanese and English that seemed to indicate that someone had collapsed. Nobody outside seemed to know from what but they were happy to speculate. Rin ignored them and tried to get back into the club.

His passes easily got him in and then he made a beeline for the backstage. Now that he was actually here, he was feeling rather silly for thinking any of this had anything to do with Makoto. He had seen Makoto on stage less than an hour ago. Surely nothing had happened but somehow, Rin just needed to see Makoto to put his mind at ease. He didn't even need to talk to him, just seeing him from afar was enough.

"Stop," said someone in english, Rin looked-up to find himself face to face with a Korean security guard, "Only performers and their assistants past this point."

"I have a backstage pass," said Rin as he held it up, "My friend is back there and I just want to meet-up with him."

The security guard scrutinised his pass closely but even after he was satisfied it was genuinely, did not see inclined to let Rin pass, "Who is your friend?"

"Tachibana Makoto," said Rin.

The security guard immediately stiffened and Rin's stomach plummeted, "Come with me," he said, after a minute, "I'll take you to his manager."

The guard led Rin not backstage but away towards what Rin guessed were the office area accessible only by the staff. Unlike the backrooms designated for use by performers the new area was almost devoid of people. One guard stood outside the office to which Rin was being ushered towards, which made Rin really worried. Why did they need a guard outside the office? As they neared the office, Rin could hear slightly raised voices speaking in Japanese.

"It's not my fault! I was just trying to help!" came a male voice.

"By slipping him ecstasy! Even if he wasn't a minor, you still spiked his fucking water! And now he's collapsed. Its clearly water poisoning, so he's likely in a coma. He might die!" replied a female voice.

Rin froze, he knew the female voice. Actually he knew both the voices, Shinji and Shiori. Wait what did Shiori just say…

"Makoto's not going to die! He just… collapsed. I am sure he'll be…" Rin pushed the door open, even as he struggled against the security guard who was trying to block his path.

"You fucking bastard!" he was screaming, "What did you do to Makoto!"

"Matsuoka calm down!" said Shiori, dropping the honorific in her agitation, as she moved towards him.

"I didn't do anything! I keep telling you people," protested Shinji, "Makoto looked awful! He was barely holding it together. No fucking way he could perform. So I helped him out a little. How was I supposed to know he was going to drink water until he collapsed."

"O you fucking bastard!" screamed Rin, both the guards were now restraining him, "Let me go! I am going to kill that motherfucking asshole."

"You will do no such thing!" declared Shiori, "Not unless you want to lose that shiny medal you just won because you punched Shinji's lights out. Did you forget that the Asian Games is organised Olympic Council of Asia and they have that charming 'bringing the games into disrepute' clause for stripping medals and banning athletes."

"I don't care about that!" screamed Rin, he would think of himself as little more than trash if he ever put a medal above his friends.

"But I am sure Makoto wouldn't forgive himself if you lost your medal over him," said Shiori calmly.

"But that bastard…"

"Matsuoka-kun," Shiori said firmly, "I am going to act in a way that assumes Makoto is going to be just fine. I suggest you do the same," she declared, "For now, please calm down and wait outside. I'll deal with Shinji and then we can go see Makoto together," she nodded to the guards, they bodily removed Rin, who gave-up and swallowed back his intense desire to beat-up on Shinji. Rin was now just calm enough to reluctantly agree that getting thrown in jail for assault was not going to help anyone, let alone Makoto.

Left on his own, ironically with a bottle of water, Rin contemplated whether to call Haru or not. Haru had a race tomorrow but then again, Haru was already plenty disturbed. Although a hospitalised Makoto was something else entirely. Rin knew Haru wasn't going to race tomorrow if he found out about Makoto. Rin was sure Shiori wasn't going to call Haru and maybe Haru would spend the next 24 hours oblivious to Makoto's condition.

Rin started laughing, this was absurd. There was only one right answer. Only one thing to do. Rin called Haru. Haru didn't pick-up. Haru was either in their shared room or the pool. Most likely, he wasn't paying attention to his phone or deliberately ignoring it because of what had happened earlier. So Rin called the only other person he could call a friend within Team Japan, he called Mikoshiba.

Shiori hadn't been surprised when Rin told her that he had called Haru but she was surprised to find both Haru and Mikoshiba at the agreed pick-up point near the athlete's village. Mikoshiba's race was over, he had won silver, and so he was free, actually freer than Haru who was violating a bunch of rules by leaving the village at this time of the night, so there was no way Mikoshiba was not going to come along. Especially when Haru was nearly catatonic in his shock.

"Haru," whispered Rin, when the two of them piled into the back of the rental car that had Shiori behind the wheel. Haru didn't seem to hear him.

"What happened? I mean, I thought water poisoning only ever happened to Marathon runners," Mikoshiba asked. Rin had told him very little. Just that Makoto was in the hospital, most likely in a coma from water poisoning.

"He was slipped some ecstasy, which is why he was drinking so much," said Rin, forcing himself to speak. Knowing Haru was listening even if he was unlikely to talk, "I saw Makoto drinking water in between his songs while on stage but I didn't think he had drunk that much."

"He drunk a litre or two before going on stage," said Shiori, "I think he finished a litre in the 20 or so minutes he was on stage and straight after coming off, he drank more. It all happened so fast. One moment was I telling him he had to go mingle with the guest and the next, he just dropped on the floor. But he was guzzling water even as I was talking to him. So I think it was most likely water poisoning. The paramedics thought so too but we'll learn more at the hospital."

"Why does the water always hurt Makoto?" Haru wondered suddenly.

There was a moment of silence in the car as all three wondered how to deal with Haru personifying water. Even Rin, who was used to it, didn't know how to respond. But finally Rin broke the silence, "The water tried to take you too," he pointed out, "Maybe it just doesn't want to two of you to be together," as soon as he said the words, he regretted them. Indeed, he wasn't even sure why he had just verbally lashed out at Haru so cruelly but it was too late, the words were said.

"Fuck you!" the words had double impact simply because Haru was not given to swearing.

"I don't know for sure what happened between the three of you," Shiori said sternly, "But it stops now. I am not having you two cause a scene in the hospital."

"I just want to be with Makoto," said Haru, "I don't care about anything else."

Mikoshiba cleared his throat, feeling more than a little uncomfortable but someone had to say it, "What about your race?" Haru shot Mikoshiba an incredulously look, "You should let management know you are not swimming," Mikoshiba added quickly, not really wanting to get Haru angry, "I mean, its probably the last thing on your mind but you do have teammates to consider."

To this Haru could return no reply and so he asked Mikoshiba to kindly call the head coach as he didn't have his mobile phone with him.

Since people's individuality is important to Rin, he can become friends with someone who is of a completely different type from him. He treats his friends equally, no matter what sort of person they are. Romantically, he is not fond of those who are clingy. He seeks a love with someone where they can both lift each other up, while also putting importance in their own lives. - Free! Character Horoscope, Newtype magazine

He must have fallen asleep, there was no other explanation. One minute he was on the deserted island and the next minute he found himself standing in front of a fancy looking apartment door. But he didn't seem to be in control of his body. Although he could feel it when he reached out and punched in a number to unlock the door. In the entry hall he took off his shoes before entering further and was immediately greeted by a stunning view of the Tokyo skyline that formed the backdrop of a large open plan living area with a kitchen at one end, a living room + dining space. It was very western with a very stylish minimalist decor, accented with animal prints. It all reminded him a little of Rin.

So Makoto was unsurprised when the self he was inhabiting but not controlling, calling out for Rin, "Are you home?" asked his self.

"I am in the bedroom," came Rin's voice.

As he body moved towards what Makoto assumed was the bedroom, Makoto heard a soft mewing come from a different room, "Don't let her out!" warned Rin.

"Eh? Why?" wondered the Makoto as he opened the door to reveal, Rin kneeling on the bed in an oversized white dress shirt that was clearly Makoto's, completely naked from the waist down, "I am going to ride you all night long and that damn cat is a cockblocker!" declared Rin as he smirked sexily.

Makoto was shocked and mildly turned on, the "Makoto" whose body Makoto was inhabiting was surprised, pleased and REALLY turned on. The "Makoto" grinned and moved towards the bed, undressing as he went and reached for Rin. Makoto, the real Makoto, did his best to get out of this "Makoto's" body because it wasn't right. This "Makoto" was clearly about to make love to his boyfriend and the real Makoto felt too much like a voyeur staying inside his head. But there didn't seem to be anything he could do to look away as "Makoto" spread Rin open beneath him and made slow, sweet love to him.

Next thing Makoto knew, it was morning and he was playing with a fluffy red cat with wine red hair just like Rin, "Let's get you some breakfast," he, or rather the "Makoto" whose body he was still living in, told the cat and headed towards the kitchen. The cat obediently followed.

Rin was at the breakfast counter, drinking coffee and channel surfing. "I put some stuff out already," he said, pointing to a filled cat bowl as he settled on a news program. The cat made a beeline for it as Makoto got himself some hot chocolate.

"What are your plans for today?" wondered "Makoto".

"Oh, you know," said Rin airily.

"Ah…" whatever the "Makoto" was about to say was lost when a picture of Rin flashed-up on the TV screen.

"As we reported last night," said the sportscaster, "Olympic Butterfly champion Matsuoka Rin has announced his retirement. He made the announcement last night during an interview with our sister program. Here is what he had to say."

They showed a clip of Rin giving an interview that started with the interviewer asking, "So what's next for Matsuoka Rin, now that you have won Olympic gold on home soil?"

"I am retiring and getting married," declared Rin.

The "Makoto" of this reality jumped. Rin had never mentioned retirement. As for marriage… they couldn't in Japan. Not legally anyway. "Rin what…" he turned towards Rin to find him on bended knee, holding out a silver band studded with a single ruby.

"They want you to move to Hollywood right," said Rin, "So you can try and make it in the US? Well, we can get married in California. So…"

"But Rin, what about you?"

"I reached the goal I had set for myself," Rin readily replied, "Now for the next goal. I love swimming and I love cooking. So its time to combine the two and launch a restaurant specialising in healthy but delicious food and a gym specialising in aqua fitness. First I'll conquer California and then I'll take over the world!"

Makoto laughed, both the real Makoto and the "Makoto" of this reality laughed and said together, "You don't dream small do you?"

"How can I dream small when I have such a giant of a man besides me?" wondered Rin but before Makoto could answer, he was back on the island but this time he was not alone, the red kitty was with him.

Haru had once believed that the sight of Makoto's unconscious, barely breathing, body that night on the beach was the scariest thing he would ever witness. He was wrong. the sight of Makoto's unconscious, barely breathing, body hooked-up to numerous tubes and machines was something straight out of a horror movie.

"Makoto…" Haru cried, "Makoto!" Haru started banging on the glass, "Makoto wake-up! Makoto!" He turned towards the door but it was still blocked by a nurse, struggling to hold her ground against the ferocious looking Rin.

"You can't go in!" she said firmly, "Doctor's orders."

"Matsuoka calm down! You can't help any more being in there then you can being out here," Mikoshiba pointed out.

"Can't help?" thought Haru, "Am I really that helpless? Will Makoto not hear me even if I am in the room? But he can't hear me through the glass can he?" wondered Haru, then he decided he was going to make Makoto hear and banged on the glass as loudly as he could and screamed Makoto's name until the nurse called security and had Haru removed. They would have thrown him out but Shiori intervened and had him taken to a waiting area to cool off and calm down.

"Makoto!" came a faint voice, carried by the wind but from where Makoto had no way of knowing. But he would know that voice anywhere.

"Haru!" Makoto called back, "Haru!" He thought he heard Haru call him again but he couldn't be sure. It was too faint, "Haru," Makoto collapsed on the sand as tears started to gather in the corner of his eyes. The cat jumped on his lap and subconsciously, Makoto reached down to scratch it.

"What are you doing, Makoto?" came Haru's voice, distinct and clear and right behind him.

Makoto whirled around and came face to face with Haru. Suddenly he realised that he wasn't on the deserted island anymore. He was still on a beach but this beach was not dissimilar to the beaches of Iwatobi. There was also a mountain behind the beach and perched on the side of the mountain was a house that was a strange but aesthetically pleasing blend of western and Japanese architecture. Instantly Makoto knew that the house belonged to him and Haru. He also knew that Haru probably had a large hand in designing the house.

"Makoto?" Haru called again.

Once again Makoto found he had no control over the body he found himself in, "Sorry, Haru-chan," said the Makoto of this reality, "Let's go back inside," with that Makoto found himself reaching down to pick-up the cat he had been petting. It turned out to be a black cat with stunning blue eyes.

They walked-up wooden steps to reach the house and entered through shoji doors. The room was a standard tatami room with very little furniture. But in the middle of the room was a playpen in which was a little baby boy that somehow had Haru's eyes but what looked like Makoto's hair. Perhaps more accurately, Tachibana sandy brown hair, not to mention that trademark Tachibana grin. "Dada!" the boy said and immediately put his arms out toward Haru and Makoto.

Haru picked-up the baby boy and headed towards the door at the other end of the door. As soon as Haru slid open the door Makoto was struck dumb with awe. Suddenly his mind flash back to the underwater hotel in Dubai and the sketches Haru had made of a house with wall to wall aquariums. This was that house and before him was that living room Haru had drawn out in meticulous details with specially designed furniture that didn't interfere with the lines of the aquariums, which were filled with goldfish of all colours and sizes.

That was when Makoto remembered the bedrooms. Haru had designed three bedroom. One bedroom with aquariums and a large king size waterbed. Another bedroom that was simple and clean with no aquariums, decorated only with their orca and dolphin lamps. Finally there was the bedroom with painted walls depicting the sea.

Makoto, the real Makoto, the powerless, helpless Makoto who was stuck in the role of an observers withered in almost physical agony as he realised the horribly, terribly wrong assumptions he had made regarding those sketches when he first saw them. It was all so clear now! As his other self followed Makoto and the baby, their baby, through the living room into a bedroom, Makoto knew it would be the bedroom with painted walls and ceilings depicting the sea, the bedroom Haru had intended for their child but Makoto had mistaken as the guestroom. He knew better now. It was obvious now that the large king size waterbed was meant to be shared by the two of them as a couple and the real guest room was the plain bedroom decorated with just the orca and dolphin lamps…

Haru was back outside Makoto's room, his face pressed to the glass. His mind blank. He could have been here for hours or days, he couldn't tell. At some point Shiori had brought him food and drinks. He didn't have any appetite but Shiori had insisted. He gave and started picking on the food just to make her go away faster.

Haru was vaguely aware of Mikoshiba leaving with promises of speaking in person with the coach and explaining the gravity of the situation and why Haru couldn't come himself to explain. He wasn't sure where Rin was but he was sure Rin was around somewhere.

Rin for his part couldn't sit still and found himself endlessly pacing the halls, at one point he left the hospital and started walking around the block over and over again. At one point Shiori suggested he return to the athletes village and get some rest. Rin glared at her and resumed his pacing. He would have preferred to be running but didn't seem to master the energy.

"There are no stars," was the first thought that crossed Makoto's mind when he found himself back on the deserted island, flat on his back. Just a moment ago he was flat on his back on a waterbed with a naked Haru saddling him and getting ready for round two.

The reality with Haru had jarred Makoto to his very core. It was so quiet. He had been there long enough to know he was still in show business but Haru seemed to have done with public life and had withdrawn into that semi-remote location by the sea to devote himself to raising their son and paint. It was a very Haru thing to do. It was also very different to the fast paced, high pressure life Rin had been planning in that reality.

Makoto wasn't dumb. He knew what he had experience. He was being given glimpses of the very different futures that lay ahead of him. Makoto sighed and sat-up. That's when he realised his deserted island had become a little less deserted as he now had two cats with him. The wine red cat that reminded him of Rin and the black cat that might as well be Haru in cat form.

Cat Rin tried to crawl on Makoto's lap. Cat Haru was having none of it and getting out his claws, viciously slapped Cat Rin. Cat Rin yowled and turned on Cat Haru without a moment's hesitation.

"Stop it!" cried Makoto, "Stop it you two! Don't fight over me!"

Suddenly, Makoto had a flashback to the time when they discussed who they would date among them if they were girls. Makoto had listed the good qualities of each and dodged making a choice by claiming it was too hard. Haru had called him wishy-washy for that and Rei had warned, "Makoto-senpai, You're going to be in trouble one day."

Makoto started laughing, "You were right Rei," he said as his laugh slowly turned to sobs, "You too Haru. I am a worthless wishy-washy guy who is in deep, deep trouble! Who doesn't deserve either of your friendship and love. I don't..." he thought of Rin offering him a ring on bended knees, he thought of Haru in house that seemed like it was out of a dream with a child in his arms, "I don't know what I want anymore."

"Hey Makoto," Haru thought, willing the silent and unconscious Makoto to read his mind like he always did, "If I swim, will you wake-up and come watch me like you always do? If I win, will you get-up and cheer like you always do? Once I finish my race, will you get me out of the pool?" he wondered, "I don't know what to do Makoto. I am not good for anything but swimming Makoto. So if I swim will this nightmare be over? Makoto?"

Absurd as the idea was and deep down Haru knew it was absurd, he was still seized by the concept. Makoto was always there to pull him out of the water. Surely Makoto would… somehow know that Haru was in the water and needed Makoto to come pull him out. Even that time when Haru nearly drowned trying to retrieve Aki's scarf from the river, Makoto was there to pull him out. Surely this time too Makoto would be there.

Haru left the hospital. It had gotten dark but not wearing a watch or having his phone with him, Haru had no idea what time it was exactly. The race would have finish long ago for all he knew. Still he made his way to the aquatic centre and only remembering he had nothing with him once he got there. But as luck would have it, he was seen by a Team Japan official.

"Did you come to swim?" asked the official, "I thought you withdrew."

Haru didn't know what to say but the official didn't seem to mind Haru's non-answer and made the necessary arrangements to get Haru passed security and into the locker area where the rest of the relay team had gather, having just won their semi-finals with the alternate freestyle swimmer. They were surprised to see Haru there.

"I knew you would come," someone said, Haru wasn't really registering his surrounding properly to identify who it was.

"Nanase, are you here to swim? Can you swim?" someone asked, doubt lacing his every word.

"Nanase, you don't look so good."

"Coach?"

"This once, I will leave the decision with you."

"I think Nanase should swim in the finals. I have a spare jammers he can borrow. We are about the same size."

"He would be taking your place."

"I know."

"He's clearly not all here and we can win the medley relay without him."

"I know. But I think Nanase should still swim. I mean, he's here. I don't think Nanase would bother turning-up if he wasn't going to give it his all."

"Let him swim," someone else said, "The people out there, they are waiting to see him swim. Win or lose, they want to see him. So, I think Nanase should swim with us."

That was how Haru ended-up in borrowed jammers and at the starting blocks. His mind curiously blank, almost numb. He saw the touch and reacted on reflex born of long practice. As soon as he hit the water, everything melted away and the belief that Makoto was waiting for him intensified ten folds. Haru didn't want to keep Makoto waiting so he swam as fast as he could and he was very fast despite being sleep deprived and having not eaten properly all day. He made the turn and sped-up even more, because the belief that Makoto was waiting for him at the end of his lap was just too strong.

Then it was over, he touched the pressure pad, stopped the clock in world record time. Surfaced and looked-up to see the hand, the hand that was always there to pull him out of the water. It wasn't there. There were smiling faces but not the smiling face of Makoto. There were voices raised in loud cheers but none of the voices belonged to Makoto. None of it was there, not the smile, not the voice and especially not the hand. There was no Makoto waiting for Haru.

A loud strangled cry rent the air and cut across the cheers of Haru's teammates. More than seeing Makoto's unconscious body hooked-up to machines and drips with wires, the absence of Makoto's hand hit Haru harder. If only because it finally occurred to Haru that that hand may never pull him out of the water ever again. So Haru slipped underwater, even as his teammates screamed his name and even his competitors reached for out of concern. What was the point of getting out of the water, if there was no Makoto outside of it.

Author's note: I don't know if I pulled of this chapter...

Anyway, yes Japan is quite good in the Medley relay. They are the reigning Asian game champions. They even managed a bronze in last years World Aquatic Championship and a silver in the 2012 Olympics. So a medal in the medley relay would be a sure bet with or without Haru.

Haru and Makoto's houses are described in the PASH! fanbook for Free! I found it interesting that Makoto lives in a "reformed from its original Japanese style to a more Western style" while Haru's house is "refined Japanese house that is over 30 years old". Made me think that Haru and Makoto's house would be a blend of Japanese and Western to reflect the types of houses the two of them are used to living just with aquarium for walls!

Also the boys discussing who they would date comes from the Drama CD 1. Basically Nagisa wondered who they would pick as their boyfriends if they were girls. Relevant sequence is as follows,

NAGISA: Then what about you, Mako-chan? Who would you go out with?

MAKOTO: Me? Well, let me see… hmm… I've been with Haru since we were kids, so I feel relaxed around him, and Nagisa is a cheerful person, so I have fun being around him, and Rei is upright, so I feel like I can expect him to take really good care of me… You all have your good points. Hmm… I can't choose.

[All three sigh]

MAKOTO: Eh? Huh? What's wrong, guys?

NAGISA: Um… what do we call that kind of attitude again?

MAKOTO: Eh?

HARUKA: Wishy-washy.

MAKOTO: Ehh?!

REI: Makoto-senpai… You're going to be in trouble one day…

MAKOTO: Wha– why?!

HARUKA: Being too nice brings the worst results.

MAKOTO: Not you too, Haru!

So I think this is a good time to explain how this story has umm… evolved and changed. Originally when I started writing this story, I wasn't going to have any "overt" ships. I was going to try and stick to the KyoAni playbook of implying if you so wanted to read it that way or just assuming its just friendship (i.e. no romance). I also started writing this story before Free! finished. But as the anime went on and I wrote more of the story I decided it would be more interesting to have actual romances. But from the start, even when this was going to be about friendship, I was going to have Makoto end-up in the hospital.

It started off as a simple car accident that resulted in some broken bones, then as the story got more romantic, it escalated into a car accident that resulted in a coma. But you know what, accidents are REALLY hard to set-up. Plus a car accident seem so… wrong. So then I had a balcony collapse that landed Makoto in a pool but that seemed too dramatic and contrived. Then I vaguely remembered reading about a girl who died from water poisoning after taking an ecstasy tablet. I thought water poisoning fit with the concept of Free! better. I mean, in the anime Makoto nearly drowned (hurt by water) and in High Speed! it was Haru who nearly drowned (again, hurt by water). So I was like, yep, water poisoning it is.

From what I could gather, for water poisoning to happen, you need to drink a minimum of 4 litres in under an hour. Also, three cases of ecstasy leading to water poisoning that I found through a quick web search (including the one I remembered) involved teenage girls. Given Makoto's healthy and physical characteristics, he probably had to drink more the the minimum 4 litres but I decided to take liberties with the medical probability in this case because water poisoning just seemed so poetic in this context.