It Was Only Time
Chapter 38 – Gus
Seeing Justin so unexpectedly was the highlight of Brian's trip to Chicago. Gus's injury, unfortunately, put a damper on any plans Brian might have had for the night after Justin's show. Thankfully, Gus turned out to be fine - it was a clean break and his concussion was mild enough not to even warrant a stay in hospital. In fact, by the time Brian arrived in Toronto, Gus was already at home and asleep in his bed. Brian realized that Lindsay and Melanie's complete meltdown had more to do with the fact that it was Gus's very first injury, than with its actual severity. Brian couldn't really blame them, especially after looking back on his own frantic flight out of Chicago. As for Gus, after he got some pain medication and a colorful cast on his arm he quickly calmed down. When he saw Brian by his bedside, who gently woke him up every two hours per doctor's orders, he decided that falling out of a tree wasn't such a bad thing and by the next morning he thought of the entire ordeal as an adventure.
The entire night that Brian was watching Gus he was too wired to sleep, his system overloaded with caffeine and adrenaline, and his mind preoccupied with unwelcome memories of his own fucked up childhood. He remembered getting a concussion after being beaned by a badly thrown baseball at little league practice when he was ten. After the trip to the hospital his father, drunk as always, screamed for hours about the hospital bill and missing his bowling tournament, breaking dishes and throwing kitchen furniture around. His mother, tight-lipped and frightened, just sent Brian to his room to sleep. Brian didn't remember being checked on or woken up every two hours by anyone; he did remember that after that day there was no more little league for him. After that little gem of a memory surfaced, Brian decided that Melanie and Lindsay could have a meltdown any time they fucking wanted – at least their overblown emotions came from a place of a deep and abiding love for their son, and a genuine concern for his well-being, not anger, selfishness or violence. He decided that as long as Mel and Linds made sure he was there to provide a bit of calm in a storm for Gus, if he ever got hurt again, they could get as emotional as their little hearts desired.
By the time Brian went to bed around six in the morning, when Mel insisted on taking over watching Gus, Brian has been awake for close to 48 hours - minus the two or three hours of sleep he managed to get in Justin's bed- and he was utterly exhausted. He woke up late in the afternoon, his stomach growling from hunger and his nose almost twitching from the delicious smells coming from the kitchen. He quickly showered and came downstairs.
"Brian!"
"Brian!"
"Daddy!" Lindsay, Mel and Gus screamed all at once.
"Hey, Sonnyboy, how are you feeling?" He asked anxiously, closely studying Gus' face.
"I'm OK, Dad. My head doesn't hurt at all anymore and my arm just feels kinda numb. I can't believe you came! I thought you were on a business trip? That's what Mama said."
"I was, but I was worried about you. I wanted to make sure you were OK. Besides, I was thinking of coming for a visit soon anyway, so I came a bit earlier. I can stay until Tuesday this time, but I'll come back in a couple of weeks again, if you want. How does that sound?"
"Awesome! Maybe I should get my arm broken more often – you are here this weekend, Justin said he'll come next weekend and then you are coming back again. Sweet! Hey, Dad, you wanna play video games? I'll totally lose playing with one arm, but it'll be fun."
"Gus, don't you ever joke about breaking anything on your body ever again, OK? You nearly gave us a heart attack!" Lindsay exclaimed.
"Linds, give it a rest." Brian said quietly and gave her a reassuring nod. "I'm pretty sure Sonnyboy here has had enough drama to last him a while. I know it was frightening and upsetting for everyone, but he's OK, you are OK, everyone is OK. Put it behind you, Linds. He has. Right, Gus?"
"Yeah, Dad. I'm OK, Mama, I promise. So, Dad, video games?" Before Brian could respond, Mel jumped in:
"Gus, honey, Brian just woke up and he's probably hungry." she said, ruffling his hair. "Go watch some TV in the living room, OK, hon?"
"Mo-om!" Gus whined.
"Don't you "mo-om" me, young man." Mel sighed, "Video games can wait just a little bit. Let Brian wake up, eat and you'll have his undivided attention very soon. Go, watch some TV. Better yet, maybe you should go up to your room and take a nap, rest..."
"Mom!" Gus cried in horror, "A nap? Now? OK, OK, I'll go watch TV." He started walking out of the room, grumbling under his breath, then suddenly turned around and asked with a mischievous grin, "Do you want me to turn it up really, really loud so that you can pretend I can't hear what you guys are talking about?"
"Gus!" All three adults shouted in unison.
Gus, shouted "Gotcha!" and ran out of the room, laughing uproariously.
"I love my son to death and I wouldn't change him for the world, but, he is not even nine years old and he can be so, so, so...incorrigible sometimes! God, I dread puberty – he'll be even worse!" Lindsay lamented. "Coffee, Brian? And I have left-over lasagna warming up for you in the oven."
"Thanks, Linds." Brian sighed in pleasure at the first sip of the dark, rich brew. "Well, Mel? No comments about me polluting the gene pool?" Brian and Mel's relationship considerably improved over the last few years, but it was by no means perfect. They communicated much better, but they still greatly enjoyed making fun of and purposely annoying each other at every opportunity.
"No kid is an angel 100% of the time. I do, of course, place the blame for the non-angelic side of his personality squarely on you, Brian...but, I agree with my wife – I wouldn't change a single thing about our son, including his father, as hard as it may be for me to admit. Angels or not, Gus and JR are the two most perfect kids in the entire world, in my opinion!"
"Aww, look who's had their fiber this morning!" Brian joked.
"Don't be a jerk, Brian, please? I think Mel's actually trying to be nice to you for a change." Lindsay begged.
"Oh, all right! I was kidding anyway. By the way, two questions: where's JR and when did you become Mama, Linds?"
"JR's at a play date, she'll be dropped off around 6 or so. As for "Mama"...Gus decided a couple of months ago that Mommy was for babies and little kids like JR, so he decided to call me Mama instead, but it comes and goes. I knew I wouldn't be "mommy" forever, what can you do – he's growing up."
The next few minutes were spent in silence. Mel and Lindsay were drinking tea and watching Brian with unabashed curiosity, while he wolfed down a piece of lasagna and got himself a second cup of coffee, doing his very best to ignore their pointed stares. Finally, he's had enough.
"OK, what? What the fuck are you staring at me for?" he asked, exasperated.
"Oh, cut the crap, Brian!" Mel said good naturedly, "You know full well we want to know what happened at Justin's show last night. What happened between you two? Spill!"
"What the fuck do you think happened? Not much. There wasn't any time for anything more than small talk. I ended up buying one of his paintings and then you guys called about Gus. That's it, not that its any of your business. By the way, did I hear Gus say that Justin's coming here next weekend?" Brian asked, in as non-nonchalant a manner as possible.
Lindsay laughed, "I was wondering how long it would take before you asked about that. Yeah, Justin called this morning to check on Gus. They talked for a few minutes..."
Mel interrupted, "And the manipulative shit - again, he gets that from you - told Justin that he wished he knew someone who could draw really well and would decorate his cast better than anyone at school has ever seen. So, Justin being Justin, promised him to come visit next weekend and turn his cast into a masterpiece..."
"Yeah, that sounds like Sunshine..." Brian mumbled.
"You sure you don't want to stay here until next weekend?" Lindsay asked, looking at him meaningfully.
"Wish I could, but too much is going on at Kinnetik at the moment. My staying here until Tuesday is already a stretch."
"What about Justin?" Lindsay asked in surprise.
"I gave him the keys to the loft. Told him to come when he's ready and that I'll be waiting."
"For God's sake, Brian!" Mel scoffed, "You are leaving the proverbial ball in his court again? Didn't I tell you it was your turn to be the pursuer?"
"Mel, thanks for the advice, but mind your own fucking business! On that note, I'm going to go play video games with my son!" As he walked out of the kitchen, Brian hated to admit it, but Mel's comment planted an unwanted seed of doubt in his mind. However, for the time being, he pushed those thoughts away and concentrated on spending some quality time with Gus.
Brian and Gus played a couple of games on the Wii for a while, until Gus got tired and asked if they could go for a walk instead.
"A walk?" Brian was surprised, "I thought you were tired."
"Well, to get ice cream or something..." Gus replied evasively.
"Ice cream? All right, lead the way." But instead of going towards the ice cream shop a couple of blocks away, they ended up going to a local park and sitting on the bench overlooking a small man made pond. Brian was pretty certain that Gus had something on his mind that he didn't want to discuss in front of his moms. Brian sincerely hoped it wasn't time for the sex talk yet. Even though he was 100% sure he could handle it perfectly fine on his own, it didn't mean that he necessarily wanted to. So, he remained silent during their walk, letting Gus start the conversation when he was ready.
"Dad, can I ask you something?"
"What's on your mind, Sonnyboy?" Brian, who was mentally gearing himself up for a "birds and the bees" discussion, was completely unprepared for the question that came out of Gus's mouth.
"Did you and Justin get divorced? Is that why you never talk to each other or about each other?"
"Divorced? We weren't married." Brian was so shocked that he answered without thinking. "Ah, Gus, maybe you should talk to your moms about this."
"Come on, dad! Every time I ask my moms about anything, they tell me to wait until I get older. But I am not a little kid anymore, I am almost nine! And I know about stuff. I mean I have two moms. A girl in my class has two dads, they are married and everything. My friend Josh from next door got a mom and a dad. A couple of kids in my class have a whole bunch of parents because they all got divorced and married other people. My friend Paul's dad has a boyfriend, but Paul doesn't like him very much. He kinda wants them to break up. But I love Justin. I would never want you two to get divorced or break up, but you did, right? Come on, Dad, you gotta tell me."
Brian was stupefied. "Is this really what kids talked about at recess or on the playground these days?", he thought, but he guessed that they did, otherwise Gus wouldn't have these questions. Brian wasn't sure how exactly to continue this conversation, so he stalled for time.
"Why do you think we were together to begin with?"
"Well, he paints you a lot. He has like a hundred, maybe a million pictures of you in his notebooks. I saw them when moms took me to New York. And he used to live with you a long time ago. I remember staying with you a couple of times. I kinda thought he was my dad when I was really little, but Mama told me that you were actually my dad." Gus said and then flushed in embarrassment.
"Why did you think that Justin was your dad, Gus?" Brian asked in a hollow voice. When Gus hesitated, Brian urged him to go on, "Come on, Gus. If you want me to be honest with you, you need to be honest with me. Don't worry, I won't be angry with you."
"Well, before he moved away and then we moved away, he came to see me all the time. He brought me toys and coloring books and crayons. We would play together and he would teach me to draw, and he read me stories and stuff. And I have like tons of pictures of the two of us from when I was little."
"I'm sorry, Gus. I guess I was a pretty shitty dad, huh?"
"Moms would kill me if they heard me say that, even though they say bad words all the time." Gus laughed. "And you weren't a bad dad, Dad. Mama told me you were really busy, so its OK. I mean I wasn't lonely or anything, I mean I have my moms and Justin, and Mike, and Ben, auntie Em, and uncle Ted, grandma Deb and a whole bunch of people. It got kinda lonely when we moved to Toronto, but you started to visit all the time and we talk on the phone and on the computer a lot, so it's cool."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, Dad, totally cool. So? You never said. If you weren't married, then Justin was your boyfriend right?"
"Right." "Persistent little shit", Brian thought.
"So, you broke up. Why?" Gus demanded.
"Now that is definitely something not for eight year old ears. Sorry, Sonnyboy, but you'll have to wait until you are older."
"That is so not fair, Dad! I am not a little kid anymore!" Gus shouted jumping off the bench.
"Yes, you are, Gus! And that is the end of the discussion."
"You don't have to tell me everything, everything, Dad, but can't you tell me something? No one tells me anything at all and it sucks! Everyone tells me to wait until I am older, but they won't tell me how old I am supposed to be to know this stuff. It's so unfair!" Gus looked like he was close to tears and Brian didn't know how to deal with this.
"OK, OK, I'll tell you "something", but once I tell you, you'll let this subject go and you won't bother anyone with this topic again - not your moms, not Justin and not me - you promise?"
"I promise!"
"There were many reasons why Justin and I broke up, many grown up reasons. I'll tell you one of them – at the time, Justin wanted to get married and I didn't." Brian had no idea whether or not it was the right thing to do to tell Gus even this much, but he reasoned that Gus wouldn't stop asking and pestering everyone until he got some sort of answer. At least this answer, he hoped, would be the most honest, yet the least confusing for someone Gus's age.
"What do you mean "at the time"? Like a long time ago?"
"Yes, a long time ago."
"Why didn't you want to marry him? Didn't you love him?"
"Gus, you promised – no more questions. I'm disappointed in you."
"OK, Dad, I'm sorry!" Gus said hastily and then fell silent. Brian sighed in relief. "Thank God, this conversation's over!" he thought.
About five minutes later, Gus looked at Brian and said "Dad, can I ask you about now?"
"What about now? You want to go get that ice cream?"
"No, Dad. Now-now, not a long time ago, so it's like a different, what was that word, topic, right?" At Brian's exasperated sigh, Gus just picked up the pace of his speech and blurted out the rest all in one breath, "So I can ask you about now and not break my promise, right? Do you love Justin now? Cause if you did, you could like marry him, you know?"
Brian growled in frustration, "Gus, why are you so damn interested in all this? Why?"
"Because you are lonely, Dad! I heard moms talking about it. They said the same thing about Justin. I wasn't supposed to hear, but I did. Not on purpose or anything, so don't be mad. Anyway, I don't want you to be lonely, I want you to be happy. Justin too. I mean I've got Mama and Mom, and JR, and you and Justin. But you guys are always alone. It's not fair! If you guys were together again like moms said, then you won't be all alone. Besides, it would be totally cool. I mean I love Justin – he's like another dad already or a really, really cool uncle or something. Except, that makes me think of uncle Ted. He's really nice, but kinda boring and Justin isn't boring at all. So it would be better if he were a dad. So, what do you think?"
Brian didn't know what to think – all he knew that he was truly humbled, moved and grateful that his kid loved him enough to worry about his happiness, even though for the first half of Gus's life he was more or less absent and made rare "uncredited cameo appearances". He cleared his throat, trying to dislodge the lump of emotion that formed there, and then impulsively gave Gus a crushing hug.
"Listen, Sonnyboy, are you listening? You don't have to worry about me. Just because I am not married like your moms, doesn't mean that I am unhappy or lonely. Same goes for Justin. You are still a kid, you shouldn't be worrying about this shit...crap...stuff...whatever. I am fine, I promise. Now, will you please let this go and concentrate on surviving your childhood without anymore broken bones or concussions, OK?"
"OK," Gus laughed, "But you didn't answer my question, Dad, do you want to marry Justin?"
"God, you are persistent!"
"I know. Mom says it's your fault." Gus snickered.
"Mel would..." he mumbled and with a long-suffering sigh looked straight at Gus "OK. I will answer, but it is the last question, Gus. The. Very. Last. One. OK?" At Gus's nod, he continued. "To answer your question, sure I do, but it's not that simple."
"Why, are you afraid he doesn't want to marry you?"
"Gus, enough with the questions. This it's not something an eight-year-old can solve or should even be thinking about, so let it go! I mean it."
"OK, OK! Can we go get ice cream now?" Gus looked at Brian with such hopeful eyes and such an angelic smile that he couldn't refuse.
"Sure. Ice cream. Let's go." he said, but what he thought was "God, I need a drink not fucking ice cream!". Thankfully, it looked like Gus was satisfied with their conversation, because he didn't ask any further questions, mention their conversation or broached the subjects of marriage (Brian's or anyone else's), loneliness or happiness for the next three days.
Gus stayed home from school on Monday and Tuesday and spent every waking minute with his dad until it was time for Brian leave. Lindsay offered to drive him to the airport, but Brian decided to make it easier on everyone and take a cab. He bumped shoulders with Mel in a friendly farewell (they've graduated to hugging, but only on holidays and special occasions), gave Lindsay a hug and a kiss goodbye and picked up JR and twirled her around a couple of times to make her laugh in delight. Gus didn't want to say goodbye in the house, he insisted on going out to the cab. When the cab arrived, Brian gave his son a lingering hug and a kiss on top of his head.
"I had a great time, Sonnyboy. I'll see you in a couple of weeks, OK? Be careful, try not to get hurt again, all right?"
"I promise. Hey, Dad, I had an idea about something. You make all sorts of commercials, right? To sell stuff."
"Right..." Brian was completely clueless as to where this was going.
"Moms said you are really, really good at your job, I asked. So, I thought maybe you could like make a commercial about you, you know, say how great you are. Then Justin will love you again and then you can get married! Anyway, that was my idea. Love you, gotta go. Bye!" And with a huge smile and a jaunty wave he ran towards the house, up the porch steps and disappeared inside.
Brian stayed rooted on the spot until the cabbie started honking impatiently. Somehow Gus managed to blindside him yet again and then ran back home before Brian had a chance to even come up with a response. Brian got into the cab shaking his head and laughed at his son's silly idea all the way to the airport.
Disclaimer: All belongs to Showtime and CowLip, no infringement intended.
A/N: I based the 8 and a half year old Gus (in part) on a cousin of mine who at that age was a lovable holy terror. He wore out everyone around him with his inexhaustible supply of energy, his boundless enthusiasm, his pranks, his limitless curiosity about everything and everyone AND his constant, and unending questions (some of which were wildly inappropriate for his age...yes, he eavesdropped on adult conversations). My cousin is now all grown up, is extraordinarily smart (just as he was then), has a wicked, wicked sense of humor and is now studying in law school. I don't know whether or not I was successful in bringing Gus to life, so I would greatly appreciate an opinion or two. Please read and review!
A huge thanks to everyone who's been following this so far – you are awesome!