Chapter 38

Two days later Erin died...or rather, two days later Erin's body died. Her spirit had mostly been destroyed years before leaving behind a broken child in soul and a computer in mind. Abby and Tobias had been spending the most time with her, even though she was rarely conscious. Ducky had been able to inform Tobias of the coming departure. It had been a miracle that she had lasted as long as she had. ...and it was a miracle that she had awakened once more before she died.

"Daddy?"

"I'm here."

Erin opened her eyes and smiled at her father...a child's trusting smile.

"I'm tired."

"You can sleep. I'll stay and watch."

"What's happening?"

Tobias managed a smile. "You're leaving, Erin. You're leaving this place."

"Will I ever come back?"

"I don't think so."

Erin's brow furrowed. "Will I ever see you again?"

"I hope so."

"Will I see Mommy?"

"She'll be waiting for you. When you get there, she'll see you." He felt the tears and tried not to cry.

"You're sad, Daddy."

"That's because I'm going to miss you...and I love you so much."

"I love you, too," she said. "How am I going to get there?"

"You're going to go to sleep. That's all. When you wake up, you'll be there."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Will you sing to me, Daddy?"

"Of course."

"Sing 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star'."

Tobias wasn't sure he'd be able to do it, but he cleared his throat and began to sing.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky,
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder...what you are."

Erin smiled and her eyes began to close. "Will I see the stars when I go to sleep?"

"Yes, Erin. You'll see the stars."

"Then, sing it all, Daddy. Sing the whole thing."

Tobias hugged Erin tightly in his arms, feeling her slow, faltering heartbeat, the shallow breaths as her body wound down.

"Close your eyes. Go to sleep," he whispered.

"Sing it all, please."

Tears running down his cheeks, Tobias sang.

"When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.

Then the traveller in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.
For you never shut your eye,
Till the sun is in the sky.

As your bright and tiny spark,
Lights the traveller in the dark,—
Though I know not what you are,
Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder...what you...are."

Erin slipped away an hour after her eyes closed for the last time. Smoothly shifting from living to dead and Tobias never left her side, not once. Nor did Abby. She sat in silent vigil with him and with Ducky who would determine the time of death. When Erin breathed her last breath, when her heart finally stopped, Tobias gestured for Ducky to check her...to tell him that she was really gone. At his nod, Tobias also nodded and then began to sob. He held Erin and Abby held him. Together, they grieved for the loss. The librarian who had never shown anything but mischief and mystery was now simply a grieving father who had lost his daughter.

In a sense, Erin had been lost from the start. From the moment they had found her, she was living on borrowed time...but it was still heartbreaking

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

It was late at night, a few days after they had snuck out to bury Erin in the Mammoth cemetery. They had control of the area of the city where the cemetery was located but still, they were cautious. Tim had insisted on coming...even if he was still in such a state that he couldn't actually do anything to help. There had been a pall over the library and no one was speaking much to each other. Ziva and Tony had gone to the south quarter of the city where there were still some skirmishes going on, but the others were still there.

Tobias was still awake. He hadn't been able to decide how he felt about Erin's death. Certainly, he was mourning...but it didn't have the pang it might have because he had mourned her already, years ago, when he assumed she'd died. And yet... he couldn't help but wish that there had been a miracle.

As he walked through the library, he heard something from the Sound Room.

It couldn't be Tim. He can barely walk right now.

...but it was. He looked in and saw Tim sitting in a chair, head pillowed on his arm, one hand beating the rhythm of the song playing on the ancient player.

"These days it's all in the mind.
It's elemental
Don't say you're up when you're down
It's elemental."

Every so often, he would hear snatches of words from Tim. He was also singing along, very softly, but still doing it. The song ended and Tim pushed a button a few times. Something about the way Tim was sitting kept Tobias from interrupting. Besides, he hadn't heard Tim sing since the revolution had begun...which was sad in a way...like a child being forced to grow up and put aside everything else.

Another song began, and Tobias listened. He'd never understood Tim's fondness for these old songs.

"Laid so low, for so long
Into that void of silence
Where we cry without sound
Where tears roll down
Where tears roll down..."

Then, suddenly, he noticed that there was something on the monitor as well. It wasn't much that he could see at first...but then, he saw that it was an image of the sky.

"Made a mess, I guess...I should have known
That life was lust and liberty
Not a chance mutation or the last temptation
Laid so low, so long, so low..."

"Tim?"

Tim sat up with a start and turned...and then winced as he moved too quickly.

"What are you doing up? I thought Ducky was strapping you to your bed to make you sleep."

Tim smiled, and it was amazing how that smile, which was still too rare, could transform his whole face, making him seem years younger.

"I guess he didn't tie the straps tight enough tonight." He looked at the screen. "I wasn't tired. Slept for a couple of hours but I woke up and wasn't tired." He reached out and turned off the music. "I thought I had it low enough that no one would hear."

"I was awake anyway."

"You doing okay?"

"Yeah. Okay. Not stellar by any means, but okay. She's happier now than she was."

"Sometimes I wonder if Sarah is happier," Tim said softly.

"I have to believe that there's something better waiting for us."

"Why?"

"Because the alternatives are too depressing."

Tim smiled and reached out to turn off the monitor.

"Wait. What is that?"

Tim actually looked guilty. "Just a video."

"Of the sky?"

"Yeah."

Tobias looked at the monitor. Nothing was happening. It was just a camera pointing at the night sky, with the occasional view of a tree branch invading the space.

"Why would someone make a movie like this?"

"I like it," Tim said and reached out one hand toward it before seeming to remember where he was.

"Okay...but what about people from however many thousands of years ago."

Tim shrugged. "Have you seen some of the music videos people made? They're crazy."

"This is boring."

"No, it's not," Tim disagreed. "I could stare at it for hours."

"And have?" Tobias asked pointedly.

"Tonight was the first time in a while." Tim grabbed Tobias' arm and pulled him down to sit on a chair. "Here, just look at it. Look and don't think about it being an image on a screen. Look at it...like we do."

"Who?"

"People who know," Tim said and stared at the screen raptly.

"Why do I get the feeling that you're not telling me exactly what's going on here?"

Tim leaned back. "Because you're paranoid?"

"Tim. Have you ever lied to me?"

"I've never told you the whole truth...but I've never lied."

"Should that make me trust you more?"

"I don't know. I've never worried about that before."

"Are you worried about it now?"

"I'm trying to be...but I'm not yet." He shrugged and then winced.

"You should probably go back to bed."

"Probably..." Tim looked at the screen again. "Tobias?"

"Yeah?"

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Find the balance between caring too much and not caring enough."

"When you figure it out, you can tell me."

Tim turned off the screen, although there was noticeable reluctance.

"There are other things that need to be done. Figuring myself out has to take a back seat to everything else."

"It's not all about everyone else. You're a part of the revolution...and you're a part of the ones who benefit. It's not all about sacrifice. You can do more than one thing at a time...and it's not all about lying."

Tim looked at the blank screen and then looked back.

"There's a time and place for everything. This isn't the time and place." Carefully, he pushed himself to his feet, leaning heavily on the cane Ducky had convinced him to use.

"There's a time and place for everything," Tobias repeated. "We can make a time and place for what's necessary...for ourselves and for everyone else."

Tim shook his head and smiled. "Maybe for other people. I'm still a probationary human being, Tobias. I can barely tolerate feelings...let alone that level of complexity. ...but I think that I will go to bed."

Tobias watched him limp slowly away and was amazed at how much more...alien Tim seemed now that he was trying to be human. Was it better or worse? Who knew?

He looked back at the blank screen. No wonder Tim loved to see them. The stars...living in the stars...the ultimate symbol of freedom for people who had been trapped their whole lives.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"...You're all looking to me as the leader of this revolution, and it's a necessity in a way, but you can't have all you believe depend upon my life or my death. It has to be something you feel inside yourself. The need for change is not just in the government. It's in all of us."

"The real problem we have faced is not so much a government as a mindset. The Hegemony could never have controlled us if we didn't let them do it. We have become complacent, too easy. That has to change."

Gibbs watched as Tim made yet another broadcast. In the weeks that had followed his awakening, he had been make quite a few of them. There had been an underlying theme to each speech: the idea that Tim's life or death could not mean anything to the validity of the revolution. He was still very obviously injured although healing.

"He's losing his spark."

Gibbs looked over his shoulder. Ducky was looking at Tim as he sat and spoke.

"He's giving up his life, his dreams, for this thing."

"You don't think he believes in it?" Gibbs asked.

"No, I think he does...but he also believes that it deserves every inch of him."

"...and at this moment, the places where people are talking outnumber the places where people are fighting. Talking, not killing. Discussion rather than destruction. Even if a concensus can't be reached, this is progress, something we should encourage. The fighting is a necessity when there is no other way to get change...but when a new way opens up, then it deserves the chance. I'm inviting dialogue...and I'm inviting everyone to understand the meaning what we're doing. Understand...don't just follow mindlessly. No one deserves to lead without being asked the hard questions. Ask. Think. Don't just follow."

The camera stopped rolling and Tim exhaled in relief, rolling his shoulders and arching his back painfully. Then, he smiled as Abby gave him a brief hug, one he only belatedly returned. He still walked with a bit of a limp, but he was doing much better. Not realizing that he was being watched, after Abby left, he cast a brief glance upward and sighed. Then, he looked over and noticed them watching and he gave a small smile.

"It was so feeble to begin with that I'm afraid it's going to go out again," Ducky said in a low voice as Tim came over. "That was a nice speech, Timothy."

"You seem to be hammering the idea that you're not as important as the revolution itself."

Tim nodded. "The revolution is a thing all its own. It can't depend on me or anyone else. It's about more than a person. It's about the whole human race. I can't be all that matters. ...besides, if people just turn off their brains and follow whoever is leading, the same problem will exist again. Putting all the decisions into the hands of the people in charge and not thinking about maintaining some control, some...balance of power. We're really trying to change people more than governments."

"You've gone through quite a few changes yourself, McGee," Gibbs said.

"Maybe not as much as you think I have, but yeah, I've changed some. Enough? I don't know." He sighed again. "I guess I have lots of time, though."

Ducky looked at Gibbs as Tim headed back to the main part of the library.

"We need to do something for him, Jethro."

"Yeah. He needs something...but what can we do?"

"I'm not sure, but he can't just be the leader and nothing else. Timothy is losing his own identity. That's not a good thing. As fragile and fractured as it was before, it was still his own. Now, his identity is becoming...everyone else's."

"The revolution will end, Ducky."

"But not soon enough, I fear."

"I'll keep it in mind."

"Thank you. I almost lost him to himself and to injury...I don't want to lose him to a cause."

Gibbs nodded and traced Tim's path...back to the Sound Room. He was sitting at the terminal and staring at a video of a beach. There was nothing there, no action, no music. Just the waves crashing on the beach. Tony had told him about that, and Tim had shown him when he had asked. He didn't understand why Tim found these videos so engrossing, but he did and he was looking at them wistfully.

There had to be something they could do. Nodding to himself, he headed away, in search of Tobias.