EDITED

*Cry with a smile
My heart is bleeding
Bewildered I'm here alone
Why is there pain in a beautiful moment?
Why do I feel so lost, so empty?*-Cry with a Smile by After Forever

Sara's POV

As I limp down the hall I feel as if I have aged forty years in the matter of minutes. I hope Catherine enjoyed, horseback riding because I will not be doing it again for a very long time. Slowly I make my way to Jay's room. I am hoping she is there because I don't think I'll be able to make it any further down the hallway.

Lightly I knock on the door and wait. I hear a mumbled "Come in." Hobbling into the room I can hear laughter coming from the bed. Lindsay is rolling around clutching her slides as she shakes with laughter and Jay is wearing a sad smirk.

Lindsay sits back up and wipes the tears from her face. She is flushed and still struggling to contain her amusement. "Why is everyone finding my pain so funny?" Jay shrugs and Lindsay covers her mouth and starts shaking again as I make my way to the bed.

"What the hell did you do Sara?" Lindsay asks as she tries to keep a straight face.

"Watch your language Lindsay Willows," Catherine's voice floats into the room before she appears in the doorway. We lock eyes and she smiles sweetly at me. "Plus I think it's cute." I catch Lindsay rolling her eyes in my peripheral vision.

Catherine's eyes hold a question. Her eyes dart to Lindsay and then back to me. I shake my head no and she nods. Leaving the room she closes the door behind her. If I have to relive my past I'd rather not do it more than once besides Lindsay deserves to hear the truth just as much as Jay.

I scoot myself up the bed until I am resting against the wall behind it. I run my eyes over each girl. Lindsay is staring at me with curiosity and Jay…Jay's eyes have lost their vivaciousness. It is as if I am looking at Catherine all over again.

"Jay."

She focuses on me. I don't know what to say to her, but the longer our eyes are locked the more I think she understands what I want. "I didn't mean to interrupt you and Catherine I'm really sorry," she says quietly.

"You didn't sweetie we were only talking. I don't know if you noticed but I'm not really in any state to…"

Lindsay clears her throat. I turn my attention to her. "You're talking about my mom."

"Right, sorry." The blush creeps onto my face and a small smile appears on Jay's face. "I should probably ask…I wanted to talk to you, Jay, about… well I guess I just wanted to see how you are, or see if you wanted anyone to talk to…umm do you mind if Lindsay is here?"

"No." I nod. I'm not very good at this. I can feel my heart racing at the prospect of resurfacing my past.

"Lately Jay you've seemed…well we've all been worried about you." Helping Catherine isn't the same as helping Jay. Jay has focused on me with a blank stare. "I know what you are going through must be hard, and we want to help you, but we don't know how to help. I don't know how to help you, if you don't give me a hint."

"I just keep thinking…my brother…" Jay shakes her head and looks away.

"I know it is hard to believe, but I understand how you are feeling." Jay's eyes flash with disbelief and sorrow. "Come here." I hold out and arm and Jay crawls up to me and snuggles into my right side. I open my other arm and Lindsay rests her head on my chest and she curls into my left side. I squeeze Jay briefly. "I do understand." My stomach is doing back flips and my blood is quickly pulsing through my body.

"Really?" Jay says I can still hear a skeptical tone in her voice.

"Yeah."

"Will you tell us what happened to you Sar?" Lindsay asks.

"Yeah I will."

"Does my mom know about this?"

"She does." Lindsay and Jay intertwine their fingers and rest their joined hands on my stomach.

"You know I've always wondered Sara." I brush my lips against the top of Lindsay's head and then do the same thing to Jay.

"When I was little both of my parents drank and did drugs. They both…they both abused me, and they abused each other. My father was worse. When I became old enough he would take me to my room and…" My voice cracks with emotion and I clear my throat. "My mom wouldn't do anything. I knew she could hear me crying for help…but she never helped me. One night my mom came into my room and dragged me with her into the living room. I didn't notice the knife until it was too late.

"After that night I became the girl who watched as her father as he was stabbed to death by her mother." I know I can't continue without being plagued by flashbacks. The familiar craving for alcohol is making itself present within me.

"The nightmares and the flashbacks seem unbearable most of the time," Jay says. "Will they ever go away?"

"Not completely…but usually time makes most things easier to deal with."

"And all the emotions?"

"I buried them. Don't do that Jay. They might fade enough that you don't notice them anymore, but I don't know if they completely go away. There are triggers and weaknesses, but luckily for you have a family that loves you."

I am feeling a little nervous that Lindsay hasn't made a comment yet. "Linzz?"

"Your father…he raped you?"

I choke back a fresh wave of emotions and tears and nod my head.

"How old were you when your mother…when she killed your father?"

"Nine."

"Nine." I hear the whisper the word a few times to herself. "What happened after that night?"

"I bounced from foster home to foster home. More abuse and more rape." Lindsay squeezes me tightly and then surprises me by giving me a chaste kiss on the cheek.

She whispers in my ear, "Your amazing," and then gets off the bed. Opening the door she yells, "Mom?" I cringe at how loud she is.

"There is no need to yell Lindsay," Catherine shouts back. I chuckle. Jay tightens her hold on me.

"Can you come here for a minute?" Lindsay yells back. I can't help but roll my eyes at the two of them. Lindsay begins to pace and becomes lost in thought while she waits for Catherine. I am curious as to what is on her mind.

Catherine comes in the room and looks around the room. "What do you need Linzz?" Lindsay comes back to reality and rushes over to her mom pulling Catherine into a hug. Catherine turns her gaze to me in confusion. When I don't respond Catherine closes her eyes and holds her daughter tightly.

I observe the tender moment with the vague feeling of intruding somewhere in the back of my mind. I catch Jay's eyes and know she is feeling the same way. I rub her arm and a small smile appears on her face.

I hear Lindsay say quietly "Thank you," and then they end the embrace.

Catherine looks at me with disbelief. "Sara I don't know what you said, but feel free to talk to Lindsay anytime." I smile sadly at her. "Linzz let's give Sara and Jay a couple minutes alone."

"Okay." Catherine winks at me and then the two Willows women leave the room.

Jay and I pull apart and sit cross-legged facing each other. "How did you make it through all of that?"

"Well...I made a lot of mistakes sweetie, and it took me forever to realize that there are things in life worth living for. Honestly by the time I realized that, I almost lost everything I had."

She scrunches her face in confusion."That sounds like..."

"When I almost fucked up everything with Catherine?"

"Yeah."

"That's because it is." Her brilliant blue eyes go wide.

"It took you that long?"

"God you don't have to make it sound like I'm that old." She smiles. The first genuine smile I have seen on her in a long time.

"I didn't mean it that way."

"I know you didn't I just missed your smile." She blushes.

"What if I can't get the images to go away what if…?" I can see guilt in her eyes and suddenly I realize why Jay hasn't been talking to anyone.

"So are you going to tell me what really happened?"

Her eyes go wide in shock. "I…I" she sputters. She takes a deep breath. "How did you know?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I can see it in your eyes."

A smile curls the edges of her lips. I listen intently as she begins to tell me the truth.

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Sighing I pinch the bride of my nose hoping to ease my headache away. I am relieved to get back to the lab and out of the field. Away from Grissom. He has been pairing himself with me nonstop for the past week. If I have to listen to one more of his not so subtle hints about how horrible Catherine is for me the next crime scene we investigate will be his.

After dropping my evidence in Trace, and thankfully avoiding Hodges, I am now making my way to the break room. Glancing through a glass wall by chance I catch Catherine bending over a microscope focusing intently on her evidence. Her shirt is rising up revealing a small patch of skin on her lower back. The creamy skin is tantalizing. Quietly entering the room I place my hand over her exposed silky skin. Tearing her gaze from the microscope Catherine smiles up at me.

She stands up and wraps her arm around my waist and leans into me. "Hey," she mumbles from my shoulder.

"Hey baby."

Curious eyes gaze at me and I try not to blush. "You seem tense."

"Hard case." She nods her understanding. Pulling the chair out from the lab station she motions for me to sit down. I take a seat choosing not to argue with her. Closing my eyes I relax as Catherine's hands massage my neck and upper back reliving my stress with magic touches.

Her hands stop moving, "Better?"

"Mmmm" I can feel her warm breath tickling my ear, and then moving to my cheek. Turning my head I capture her lips with mine. The feel of her soft lips moving against mine causes me to crave more. Her warm velvety tongue begins to caress my lips. I willingly grant her access to my mouth. As our tongues battle I tangle my fingers in her golden locks. Her forearms rest on my shoulders and her fingers link behind my neck.

I can feels eyes on us. Before I get the chance to pull away someone says, "Sara." It's Grissom. Catherine rapidly yanks away from me. He cheeks red with a mixture of flush and embarrassment.

"What?" I say rather roughly.

"Brass caught a lead on the phone number in the vic's cell."

"Alright," I say harshly. Catherine's questioning eyes land on mine. I can see anger flashing through Gil's and I know I've pressed a button with my tone.

"I don't know what I've done to deserve your attitude," Grissom snaps. "I've been more than tolerant with this…this thing." He motions between Catherine and I, "But if you two don't keep it professional in the lab I'll be forced to step in."

Catherine glares at him in anger and disbelief. Standing up and pushing past Catherine I stand face to face with Grissom. "Let's go follow that lead then," I say without bothering to hide my bitterness. He steps out of my way appearing slightly intimidated.

I catch a glimpse of Catherine who is wearing an expression full of confusion and anger.

I turn away from her feeling guilty for yet again lying.

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The lead turned out to be a dead end. Which means I was stuck with Grissom for an unnecessary amount of time. Heading toward the break room once again I hear someone call my name. Grissom. Again. Apparently two more hours with me wasn't enough for him. "Yeah?"

"Let's go over the pattern on the bloody sheet."

"I was going to go see if Hodges has anything."

"I need another pair of eyes for the sheet."

"Alright Gil. Let me get a cup of coffee before we do that."

"Okay." Finally I hear his footsteps fade as he moves in the other direction. Spotting Catherine in the break room talking to Greg I decide I will have a cup of coffee later.

Turning around I rush down the hall before Catherine catches sight of me. I have the feeling I will have some explaining to do to Catherine when I see her next. Right now I don't think I can handle that. Not with Grissom's latest rant about relationships between coworkers and how it never lasts. Rather hypocritical of him really.

Walking into the room Grissom has the sheet spread out over the layout table. We rarely ever use this layout room anymore. It is left over remains from the old design of the building. Without glass walls and a light up table.

Grissom notices me and walks past me to close the door. I frown. "Does that really need to be closed?"

"The noise is distracting me. I left the door open so you could find me." Shrugging I stare down at the sheet. Examining the odd pattern I turn to Grissom wanting to ask him if Catherine's expertise on this would be more helpful and notice he has left no space between the two of us.

Uncomfortable, I take a large step to the side. "Don't you think we should ask Catherine to look at this?"

"I do. That's why I paged her."

Grissom notices the distance I have added and steps closer to me again. "Gil stop." I can hear Catherine's heals clicking against the floor as she comes toward us.

"Stop what Sara? You can be this close to Catherine but nobody else is allowed to stand this close to you?" I can feel my anger rising.

"I've apologized Gil for not telling you about my relationship with Catherine, but now you can see why I didn't tell you?" I observe the swirling emotions in his stormy blue eyes. He takes a step closer to me and I back up. He does it again so I repeat my actions. Going to take another step backward I can feel my back press up against the wall. Grissom moves closer to me and presses his lips to mine. Pulling away he says, "Tell me you don't feel anything Sara." He kisses me again and I struggle to get away from him. I push against his shoulders trying to escape but he ignores my protests.

I can hear Catherine's voice so sweet yet so sexy right outside of the door. My efforts to have Grissom release me become more frantic. I can feel his rough tongue against my lips. His scratchy beard against my face and I am repulsed. The door opens and Grissom grabs both my wrists and pins them to the wall. I don't have to see Catherine to sense her frozen in the doorway. I push all my weight against Grissom and he stumbles backward.

I lock eyes with Catherine. "Cath," I say gently. There are tears in those beautiful blue pools. "Cat." She shakes her head. Whipping around she rapidly disappears. I shoot Grissom and death glare noting the twinkle in his eyes and rush out of the room after Catherine. "Cath!" She ignores me. "Cath please wait! You have to listen to me! I…he…I didn't think he would take his disapproval this far. The comments I could deal with…Cath!" I grab her wrist effectively stopping her. She rips her arm from my grasp. Tears are creating trails as they trickle down their cheeks. "Cath please listen to me."

She shakes her head and looks at me with sad eyes and a broken heart. "I…I need some time Sara…to think." I nod and she turns around and leaves.

Suddenly everything comes crashing down around me. I stumble into the closest room.

Metal bites my knuckles but I continue to slam my fists into the hard surface. Burning tears pour from my eyes and my hatred rises to unknown levels. When I weaken my, energy spent, cold metal is against my back as I sink to the floor. I hold myself tight. Images of Catherine's pain fresh in my mind and the feel of Grissom's lips fresh against my own. Digging my nails into my arms I rack with sobs.

"Sara stop!"Says a voice in the distance.

"Catherine?" I call out.

"Sara you're making yourself bleed. Stop." Strong hands wrap around my wrists and pull my hands from my arms.

More voices "Sara what's wrong?" Kind arms pull me to my feet and wrap me in a loving embrace. Through the blurriness I can see Nick and Greg standing to the side. Their eyes full of concern.

Warrick's soothing voice makes it through to me, "It's going to be okay girl. Tell us what happened."

Through sobs I manage to choke out "Grissom…kiss…Catherine…"

"Grissom kissed Catherine?" Nick asks.

I shake my head violently. "Grissom….kissed…me…Catherine sa…"

"Grissom kissed you and Catherine saw," Greg says with anger in his voice. "Did he do this on purpose?" I am no longer paying attention to him.

"Catherine…" I say quietly. Warrick rubs my back.

"She will understand Sara."

"She…time…I ruined this."

"No you didn't Sar. Let's get you home." Wiping my eyes I nod. A haze has fallen over the world separating me from reality. Memories of Catherine flash in front of me, and I hold back tears. Nick and Greg walk beside me as Warrick signs us out.

I sit in back with Greg and Nick takes the passenger seat.

This is just what Catherine feared. Losing me. That's why she never told me she loved me. She does and look what happens. Damn Grissom. Fucking asshole. How could he do something like this?

Catherine. She has such a dazzling smile. It makes me weak at the knees. I can see it perfectly in my mind's eye. Beautiful, expressive eyes flash morphing into hurt, foggy, blue eyes.

Shaking my head I bring myself back to the border between reality and the mind. Dull tones and dark thoughts greet me.

The sun is beginning to show in the sky. Once vibrant tones now cause me to recoil from unwanted color. The street around me is familiar but not mine. Catherine.

"Let me out."

"Sara you are upset let me bring you home."

"I said let me out!" The car comes to an abrupt stop and I stumble into the early morning air.

TBC...