A/N Hi, first off I'd like to thank you all for your reviews and messages especially allsmiles18 for such regular reviews and kat1237e for the messages they help keep me to this 1 a day schedule. Also special shot out to asha-wills who took the time to leave me the longest review I think I've EVER received. So yeah, thanks it made my day. :D Ok, this chapter is where Ash and Spencer finally talk about what's going on between them and make some decisions. It's Spashley, it's complicated and there is a lot to work through so give them a little time to work it out, you may not agree with the way they go about it but I promise it all works out for the best in the end.
Previously on Bringing it Home
It hurt, I didn't think it would hurt this much even though I knew it was inevitable. Maybe it hurt so much more because it was Ashley. Ashley, my Ashley. My Spencer. Did Ash feel the same? I suspected she might because of her reaction just then when Spence suggested leaving. No! This was really going to hurt.
I looked down again and Spencer was watching me with as much love and concern that she'd shown Ash just a minute ago.
'Don't go.' I was startled that it was actually Ash asking me to stay, she'd uncurled slightly and was also looking up at me with those pools of chocolate she called eyes. It was a lethal combination of blue and brown that drew me to them.
Xxxx
The room was empty when I'd finished in the shower. I quickly dressed in my worn, ripped jeans and red beater, tied my wet hair back then headed downstairs for what was going to be a very difficult conversation of which the outcome was unknown.
Xxxx
"So you finally made it?" I threw the question at my sister who had just appeared in the living room where we were slobbing watching cartoons. She didn't answer me and just went and sat down with her head in her hands.
"Not right now, alright?" She mumbled, it sounded like she'd been crying.
"Maggie? Are you OK?" This wasn't good. I'd seen the three of them sleeping together and assumed things were fine. Apparently not.
"Leave it Austin," she growled at me without looking up from her hands. Annie placed a cautioning hand on my arm. Madison and Kyla were staring at my sister, something was seriously wrong.
"Hi," Spencer entered the room and gave a subdued greeting before heading over to Maggie. My friend gently lifted Maggie's head between her hands and frowned when she saw the evidence of tears.
"Oh sweetie," she spoke softly to my sister who tried to pull away. "It's OK baby," she reassured Maggie and placed a gentle kiss on her lips.
"Spence, it's not OK," Maggie succeeded in pulling away this time and sat back in the chair, leaning away from the blonde.
What the fuck was going on here? Maggie was distraught, Spencer was quiet, where the hell was Ashley in all of this? I watched as Spencer straddled Maggie's legs and pulled my sister in for a hug. Maggie relented and wrapped her arms tightly around my friend. Spencer clung on just as tightly. Where was Ash? Speak of the devil, all heads turned as Ashley hovered uncomfortably in the doorway.
"Hey Ash," I decided to step in and bring her presence to the attention of the pair clinging on to each other for dear life.
I was beginning to get an idea of what was going on and Ash's appearance confirmed it. My sister had got to be hurting right now. I knew she wasn't in love with Spencer but they were very, very close. I think she'd found out how Spencer felt about Ashley, whether she knew how Ash felt I wasn't sure but I suspected she did. The only time I'd seen her this upset was when Ash used to go off on one of her self destructive benders and we'd be left to pick up the pieces. Well, at first, after that we just didn't get involved but that hurt just as much. I don't think Ashley had any idea how much that had hurt, especially Maggie who loved her so deeply.
"Hi," the brunette eventually responded as she watched the two girls in the chair. "Maggie?" Her voice was unsure, hell I was intimidated by the emotive display and I wasn't directly involved.
"Sorry Ash. Spence?" Maggie shifted and Spencer released her death grip and stood up, holding out a hand to Maggie as she did so. Her hand was taken as my sister stood but then dropped as she walked over to Ash.
"C'mon," Maggie gently took Ashley's hand and tugged her out the door. Spencer followed, as she passed me I grabbed her hand forcing her to stop.
"Are you OK?" I asked, I cared for all three of them but Spencer was my first priority right now.
"I don't know yet," she whispered quietly but wouldn't meet my eyes. I released her hand and she slowly pulled away. "Thanks though. Will you, um will you be around later I might, might need you," she mumbled. She was a hell of a lot more upset than she was letting on.
"Of course, I'll be here." I gave her a half smile and jumped up to give her a quick hug.
"Thanks Aust," she gave me a quick squeeze before stepping back.
"Want me to call Addison?" I wasn't sure if she would want her around but I know how she calmed Spencer. However her frown answered my question. "Sorry, just thought I'd offer. I won't," I confirmed before she turned to leave, a nod the only acknowledgement that she'd heard me. When she'd gone it was just the four of us again. I looked round at my friends and girlfriend. Their faces reflected the concern I felt. Taking my phone out I called the one person I knew could help and the others watched in confusion as I waited to be connected.
"Hey, it's Austin." I paused to listed to the greeting. "Yeah, I'm fine thanks. Listen this is important, can you come round. Now?" I heard a quiet conversation going on in the background then a door slam. "Sorry, were you with someone?" I was assured it was no-one important before I continued. "Yeah, it's Spencer," I paused, "and Ashley. I think you need to be here." I waited for a reply before hanging up. "Thanks," I ended the call.
"Who was that?2 Maddy asked, always the curious one. Kyla gave her the usual frown, the normality of their interaction made me smile and helped relieve the tension I was
"Bella. I think Maggie's gonna need her." I'd considered calling Kate but that would have led to a whole lot more complicated. That was Spencer's shit and she'd have to deal in her own time, no point forcing the issue.
Kyla nodded. "Is there anything we can do?" The petite brunette threw the question to the room.
"I don't think so, Spencer doesn't want Addy here, Ashley only has the two of us," I was referring to Maggie of course. "I've called Bella, I don't think there's anything else we can do."
"What about Amy?" Madison suggested quietly, there was a moment of silence while we mulled over her idea.
"I'll see how Ash is after they're done, it could get more complicated with her around." Kyla made the call and I nodded my agreement. Ash might need a friend but then I wasn't sure she'd take that piece of news well right now.
"We'll just hang around and see what happens," I closed the conversation and sat back down with Annie to wait for Bella and god knows what else.
Xxxx
Maggie led me outside and I knew immediately where we were headed. She led me down the familiar path behind the house and into the garden, we passed the tennis courts and crossed the lawn and then followed an invisible path behind a flower bed.
"Where are we going? Spencer was the first to break the silence as we walked. Maggie still had my hand and was stroking the back with her thumb. I don't know if the gestures was meant to comfort me or herself.
"You'll see," I answered and I looked behind me to catch her surprise. When our eyes met I felt the jump in my pulse that was now becoming somewhat familiar, she just smiled softly but continued to follow.
Xxxx
I followed them until we were right at the back of the garden, the area was maintained but only to keep the weeds down, the plants seemed to grow where they wanted. On the edge of a small clearing, yes the garden was massive, two acres at least, Maggie and Ash paused.
"Ready Spence?" Maggie asked and I nodded before she disappeared through a gap in the foliage.
I followed and pushed through and was astounded by what I saw. We were in a clearing that was formed under the branches of an old willow tree, the ground was clear as the only light was the filtered rays of the afternoon sun casting dappled shadows on the ground. In the centre of the space were three tree stumps.
"I haven't been here for years," Ashley said, her voice filled with an almost childish wonder, as she spun in a circle looking up into the canopy. She spread her arms out and Maggie and I just watched her child like appreciation with smiles on our faces.
"Come and sit down," Maggie beckoned me over to where she was standing next to three tree stumps that had been arranged in a rough circle. "You can have Austin's," and she pointed to one of the stumps.
Before I sat down I took a closer look and noticed all three were covered in carvings. Firstly initials on the 'seats' a set for each of the three girls I assumed, then random carvings of flowers, animal and random designs. The ones on what I presumed was Ashley's seat were beautiful, I knew she was artistic from the small pieces of information I'd pried from Austin but this demonstrated how good she was. Glancing over at Maggie's seat before she sat down I felt a pang as I saw Maggie's and Ashley's initials enclosed in a heart. Maggie caught me looking and gave me a sad smile before she sat down. When we were all sitting there was an uncomfortable silence and I avoided looking at either of the other girls until I knew what I was going to say. I was startled when it was actually Ashley who spoke first.
"I'm not mad," she stated quietly as she looked between Maggie and I. "I'm a bit confused but I'm not mad. I just want to know where I stand." Her last word were directed at me and we locked eyes before she looked away.
"It's my fault, I'm sorry." Maggie joined the conversation with an apology. "I asked Spencer not to say anything or make it obvious." The brunette then looked over at me as though asking permission to continue the explanation.
xxxx
"Spencer and I have an arrangement, we don't date but we spend a lot of time together. I love her and I know she loves me," she paused until the blonde nodded confirmation. Spencer was staring at the ground and avoiding my gaze. "I didn't want to tell you in case you thought I'd replaced you."
At her words I snapped round to face her. Replace me? I'd been out of her life for a while, why would that be a concern?
"Why? Why would you think it would bother me?" I mean it did, she'd read me right but I was also confused.
"Because," Maggie struggled to find the words. "Because I still love you and I hoped you still felt the same about me," she finished and as I listened I could see Spencer holding back, she wanted to comfort Maggie. There were some very strong feelings between the two girls.
"I do love you," I said quietly as I twisted a blade of grass between my fingers. "I've never loved anybody the way I love you and I can see how much you care for each other." I smiled at Maggie but avoided Spencer's eyes, too afraid I'd get caught in the depths. A sudden thought hit me, oh god! The last piece of the puzzle snapped into place, how could I have missed it?
"You were together, the other night," I knew it was a fact. I'd seen enough of the blonde in the pool to make the connection now their relationship was in the open. "Spencer. It was Spencer you were talking about that morning." I stated and Maggie just looked guilty, then shot a sideways glance at a confused Spencer.
"Yes, it was," she confessed but Spencer still looked clueless until Maggie reached up and tugged at the neck of her shirt, Spencer went bright red and Maggie laughed at her. The blonde then scowled and glanced at me but Maggie shook her head. No, she hadn't spilt the details, that was my interpretation of the exchange,
"Maggie," Spencer hissed at the chuckling brunette, the blonde was mortified. Maggie just shrugged and smiled.
"Quite a performance guys," I added dryly. I didn't mention that I'd enjoyed my own private show but I couldn't help be curious as to what had actually gone on.
"What's done is done, I had a great night and you weren't complaining Spence," she smirked. "I also didn't hear you complaining when I suggested asking Ashley either," Spencer shot me a guilty look but kept quiet, so Spencer had been in on the 'invitation', interesting.
"So now I've met your 'friend' what happens next?" I let the question hang there as I observed the other two girls.
"It depends on you two," Maggie filled the silence as she gestured between Spencer and I. "It's different now, I think you need to talk," my friend looked really upset but I wasn't ready for her to leave.
"I think you need to stay," Spencer spoke up before I could voice my request, Maggie looked slightly stunned at her lover's words.
"Why? Why do you need me?" She questioned the blonde.
"Because this involves you whether you like it or not," I butted in and Spencer nodded her agreement.
Xxxx
I'd been watching Ashley and could see her reluctance to let Maggie go, now she was agreeing with me and it seemed we had convinced Maggie that she needed to stay.
"Maggie, we both love you." Ashley looked directly at me for the first time since we'd sat down before continuing. "I, I can't do this without you,"' she was looking at me but speaking to Maggie. "We don't want to lose you but this isn't going to be easy, for any of us," she continued. I tore my eyes from the hypnotic gaze of my obsession and we both turned to watch Maggie.
"What are you saying?" Maggie still seemed confused but it felt like Ashley and I were on the same page.
"We're saying that you're too important to both of us to shut out just because we have..."
"Something. Ashley had looked down at at the ground and smiled when she heard me use collective term but finished my sentence perfectly. We didn't know exactly what we had, it was love but had yet to be defined.
"No." Maggie stood and spoke harshly. "You figure this out then come and talk to me. I can't do this," the hurt was colouring her voice. She turned to leave but Ashley's reflexes were quick enough to catch her hand before she moved away.
Xxx
"You owe me for not telling me about Spencer," Ashley had a tight grip on my hand and I knew how strong she was, stronger than Spencer. I looked at the two young women who were my world and it was too much, the walls went up and the bitch came out to play.
"You owe me for all the shit you pulled Ash," I yelled at the brunette who went pale and immediately dropped my hand, allowing me to pull away.
"Maggie!" Spencer growled at me, it had been harsh but Ashley didn't get to pull the guilt card on me. "Now's not the time," she warned me as she defended the brunette but I really didn't give a fuck right then, I was hurting and wasn't in the mood to pull any punches.
"And what are you going to do about it, Spencer?" I snarled. My words were spoken coldly. She knew what I meant, her eyes went hard and she looked at the soft earth under her feet. She wasn't exactly Little Miss Perfect where I was concerned. "You both owe me. Sort it out, then come and talk to me. I can't be involved, it hurts too much." I told the pair who were now avoiding eye contact with me. "I don't want to lose you, either of you but this isn't a fucking fairy tale. We don't all get to live happily ever after, I wish we did but it doesn't work like that." I sighed as I said my piece.
Fuck, I knew I'd be happy with anything they could give me but they didn't need to know that right now. They needed to sort out what they wanted and then come talk to me and I needed to keep my distance until then. I was jealous. Jealous and hurt that they seemed to have something with each other that I couldn't find with either of them despite the love between us.
"Call me when you're ready to talk," I threw the comment in to the clearing and didn't look back as I walked away.
Xxxx
"She's right, we need to know what this," she gestured between us, "is before we drag anyone else in. We owe her that much." Spencer said as she watched the spot where Maggie had disappeared a minute ago, the foliage had sprung back and there was nothing to mark her passage
She was right, but why did Spencer owe Maggie?
"So what is this?" I copied her gesture and then studied the blonde as I waited for a response, all I got was a shrug. Not what I was hoping for. What did I want? An undying declaration of love? A repeat performance of my dream?Yeah, I know you guys do but focus here, this is my life we're talking about, alright? Good. What I was hoping for was an explanation of her feelings for me. A shrug didn't cut it.
"You kissed me," she stated and I nodded.
"Did you like it?" I knew she had enjoyed it, her body had betrayed her but I wanted her to say it. This wasn't easy for me. Like I've said it had been a long time since I'd cared enough to take things this slowly and I needed a little encouragement. I knew her answer before it was spoken but needed to hear her say it.
"Yes." The single word spoke volumes as did her body's reaction to the memory. Her pupils dilated and her breathing hitched then deepened. I smiled to myself when I saw the tip of her tongue peek out between her parted lips.
"May I kiss you again?" I asked and observed the tell tale signs of arousal as she paused.
"Yes." I wasn't disappointed but when she answered all my confidence left. This was the real thing. I cared what she thought about me. Cared if she thought I was a good kisser. Shit! my palms were sweating, that hadn't happened since I was withdrawing and the memory made me feel sick and I started to panic.
Xxxx
I watched as Ashley went pale. We had been leaning towards each other but still sat on the stumps. Now she sat back and wrapped her arms around herself, she was shaking.
"Ashley," I lent forwards and rubbed her lightly on the arm, she flinched at my touch and wouldn't meet my eyes. "Sweetie, what's wrong?" I murmured, trying to get her to look at me. Dropping to my knees in front of her I reached out to hug her. Half expecting her to pull away I was pleasantly surprised when she allowed me to wrap my arms around her and pull her close.
"Ash, baby you're cold," Her skin was cool and clammy and she was shivering.
"S'OK," She chattered out between shivers. "Happens sometimes, body's fucked...drugs," she stammered. "OK soon. Ju, just hold me? Please?" She was still shaking and I held her tighter to me. After a few minutes she stopped shivering but made no move to pull away.
"OK now?" I whispered into her hair where she was snuggled against me.
"Better, just tired." She muttered drowsily into my neck.
"Come here," standing up I scooped her into my arms as I had done the night before.
"What're you doing?" She struggled slightly and I held her still.
"Carrying you, dummy," I teased. "Hold on," and she relaxed and wrapped her arms around my neck. Because she was awake she was easier to manage than the dead weight she'd been last night. She clung on tightly and I had no trouble carrying her through the garden.
Xxxx
I felt so safe and the warmth was spreading from her body, heating my core. When she picked me up it felt so good that someone wanted to hold me and care for me that I didn't bother resisting. I just held on with my head buried into her neck and drowned in her scent.
"I'm sorry," I apologised. I'd wanted to at least talk if not kiss her before we came back inside.
"It's OK, we've plenty of time," her husky voice reassured me as she carried me back to the house. She was strong, although now I knew it had been her in the pool and I'd seen her carry Maggie into the house and she'd carried me upstairs yesterday so it shouldn't have surprised me.
"I hope so. I was looking forward to kissing you," I whispered into her ear and received a growl in response. Fuck that was a sexy sound! I felt her kick the door open as we reached the house and nestled further under her hair as I heard voices inside.
"Upstairs?" Spencer asked softly and I nodded against her chest.
Xxxx
"Hi," Bella had made it round in record time and was standing in the doorway.
"Hi," I reached out to give her a hug and received a warm squeeze in return.
"What the hell's going on Austin?" She asked worriedly as she spotted the concerned faces of my friends when we walked into to the living room.
"Spencer's in love with Ashley and Maggie just found out." Madison summed up the situation in her typically blunt way.
"Fuck!" Bella collapsed onto the chair my sister had been sitting on earlier.
"Fuck's right," Maddy continued. "They've gone to talk it through, outside I think.
A bang at the back of the house told me the back door had just been slammed and we waited to see who would appear. It was my sister and she'd been crying.
Xxxx
"What are you doing here?" Bella was sitting with Austin's crew and to be honest I wasn't pleased to see her. As much as I loved her I wanted to be alone right now, not entertaining my friends.
"Mag's don't be mad but I thought you might need her," Austin stepped forward in Bella's defence and I didn't have the strength to argue.
Xxxx
"Mag's," I moved toward my friend, she looked broken. I knew exactly how she felt about both girls and the thought of losing either one must be killing her. Let alone both
"What's going on?" Austin braved the question and received a death glare from her sister.
"None of your fucking business," Maggie growled as she pushed passed her sister and made for the kitchen. "Just butt out," she yelled over her shoulder as my friend disappeared down the hallway. Austin gave me a look and I shrugged and followed my friend, this was going to be all about damage control. Reaching the kitchen I found Maggie slumped in the corner by the sink, head resting on her knees which were pulled defensively up to her chest. I didn't think words were appropriate right now so I went and sat Indian style on the floor in front of her and waited for her to break the silence.
She hadn't said a word for several minutes but she had stopped crying. My friend had tried to hide it but I had heard the muffled sobs above the faint hum of the refrigerator.
xxxx
"Upstairs?" I softly asked my charge.
"Please," Ashley answered quietly and I made my way through the house, surprised that I didn't feel the need to put her down.
"Ashley!" Austin caught us as I was passing the doorway and called out to the girl in my arms. "Spence what's wrong?" The red head asked as she joined us in the hallway, Kyla and Madison soon appeared behind her. There was no sign of Maggie although I didn't expect there to be.
"Nothing, she's fine," I told my friends hoping they'd respect Ashley's privacy and not pry. She seemed fine now but I'm sure she wasn't up to an inquisition.
"Spence, she's not fine if she can't walk," Austin wasn't dropping it and it started to piss me off.
"Back off Austin," I was surprised to hear Maggie join in the conversation from behind me and I felt her come to stand at my shoulder.
"Ash, you OK?" She asked softly.
"Yeah, you can put me down now. I'll be fine." Ashley shifted in my arms as she spoke and I gently lowered her to the floor. I kept my arms around her until she was upright, even then she stumbled and grabbed onto me for support. Maggie was also there and took her hand.
Xxxx
So this was the infamous Ashley? I stood behind Maggie and watched Spencer help the small brunette to her feet. She was unsure of herself and sheltered in Spencer's arms. It wasn't hard to see what the fuss was about, she was gorgeous but I realised what Maggie had meant as I watched her cling to Spencer, then Maggie for support. She did remind me a lot of Thea the way she manoeuvred her body between Maggie and Spencer's for protection from the eyes of the other girls.
"And the moral of the story is don't do drugs kids," Ashley spoke for the first time and I memorised the husky tones. "I'm fine now." She reassured Maggie who was hovering like a mother hen. "Thanks." The last was said with an unmissable love and warmth.
"Not now OK?" She scowled at Austin who raised her hands and physically backed up.
"Alright, sorry Spence, c'mon guys," Austin headed back into the living room, herding the other girls with her. This just left the four of us in the hallway. I hung back as I knew if I were Ashley the last thing I'd want is a stranger witnessing my weakness.
"What happened babe?" Maggie had turned Ashley to face her and was gently stroking the other brunette's face and Ashley was accepting the caress.
"It's the drugs," Ashley sighed as she spoke quietly. "Sometimes something sets me off and I panic, my brain over-reacts because I've done so much damage to myself," she confessed quietly.
"What happened?" Maggie questioned Spencer as though this was all her fault. Nope, no jealousy there honest!
"Maggie! Ashley cried out to her friend. "It's not Spencer's fault," Ashley pushed back into the blonde who wrapped her arms around her, girl?
"Sorry," Maggie gave a short reply and rubbed her hand across her face. 'I'm sorry Spencer,' she apologised softly and the girls shared a moment, Maggie was the first to look away and turned her attention back to Ashley.
"You want a hand upstairs?" My friend offered her help but I could see she was getting agitated now.
"I'm fine, Spencer can help me. We, we still need to talk." Her eyes dropped to the floor and she pushed back into Spencer again for support.
"Yeah, sorry Maggie. We didn't exactly get very far." Spencer added her apology and I saw Maggie's head drop as she tried to compose herself.
This was me.
"Maggie hun. Come back with me, I'll cook for you." I tried to tempt her away from the pair that were causing her so much heartache.
Xxxx
I considered Bella's offer. It would be good to get out of the house so I nodded my consent.
"Sure babe, sounds good thanks," my friend smiled and pulled me into a hug then looked back to the couple. Couple, that was going to take a lot of getting used to.
"Shall we call you?" Ashley asked me and I had to take a moment to think.
"No, leave it. We'll talk when I get back OK?" I'd rather not deal with the emotional fallout while I was out. Spencer and Ashley nodded then Ashley tugged the blonde towards the stairs.
Xxxx
Spencer grinned mischievously then charged at me, throwing me over her shoulder, much like I had done to Austin yesterday.
"Spencer!" I yelled as she started up the stairs. I scowled at Maggie and Bella laughing in the hallway as she unceremoniously carried me upstairs, it was nice to see Maggie smile.
"Shhh Ash!" She teased, "You need to rest. I haven't finished with you yet," it appeared both members of our audience had heard the comment and I saw their eyes widen before I lost sight of them as she turned the corner of the upstairs hallway and carried me to my room.
"There you go," she carefully let me down onto the bed and I knelt up and tried to look upset. Truth be told I was thrilled at her playfulness, I was still impressed with her strength too although I knew I was stronger. Back flips and hand springs will do that for you!
"Don't try that look on me Missy," I was reprimanded for my pout as she went back to shut and lock the door.
"How about this one?" I purred and altered my expression from a childish pout to the tried and tested seductive version. Yep, that'll do the trick I thought as I watched her reaction.
Xxxx
Aw hell! What was I getting into? There was no way anyone could resist that. Fuck it, I approached the bed and she walked on her knees to meet me at the edge.
"Can I kiss you?" This time I asked permission, not wanting to trigger a repeat performance of earlier.
"Yes," was her husky reply and she licked her full lips, I couldn't take my eyes off her tongue. I moved the extra inches that separated our bodies and reached up so I was gently cupping her face. Running my thumbs over the soft skin I stroked her cheeks as I lowered my lips to hers.
This was out first proper kiss and I wanted it to be perfect, I knew I'd never forget it.
Softly, softly I pressed my lips to hers and when they met we both let out a quiet moan of satisfaction. Her fingers found their way into my hair and she pulled me down, increasing the pressure of the kiss. Our lips parted and after a minute I felt the tip of her tongue run over my bottom lip. A louder moan escaped me as I dropped my hands from her face and wrapped one around her back, pulling her tightly against me and the other I used to support her head as I lent into the kiss. This was heavenly, I could feel her breasts pressing against me and my whole body was humming with pleasure.
Xxxx
If I told you the truth I would say that I have never had a kiss like it. It was beyond passion if such a thing is possible. It's a cliché I know but it was everything I'd hoped it would be and so much more. She set my soul on fire. As Spencer held me to her I felt safe, complete and to be honest that scared me. What would happen to me if I lost her? Look what happened when I lost my Dad.
"Mmm Spencer," I pulled back and she whimpered as my lips left hers, then looked at me. Those infinitely blue eyes were full of worry.
"Are you OK?" The back of her fingers stroked the contours of my face and I pushed into the caress.
"This," I gestured between us as I had outside. "Spencer, this is big," she nodded and smiled as I turned my head to kiss her fingers.
"Lay with me?" She entreated and I could think of nothing I'd like more.
"Of course," pulling on her hands I tugged her onto the bed and lay back, pulling her down with me as our bodies settled as one.
xxxx
"What's wrong?" I questioned gently as I brushed a stray lock of hair off her face as we lay next to each other on her bed. Her brow was furrowed but I pressed her as I knew we needed to talk.
"Spencer," she began before pausing again.
"Yes Ashley?" She giggled as I replied, it was adorable.
"I don't know if I can do this," she whispered, her words immediately changed the mood. They sunk like lead through my happiness, poisoning the moment.
"W, why?"I word stuck in my throat but I managed to grate it out. She didn't answer me, wouldn't even meet my eyes. "Is it me?" I was almost in tears at the thought.
"Spencer no!" Chocolate eyes opened wide and she raised her voice in denial.
Xxxx
"No sweetie, this is all me," I murmured into her hair as I pulled her close and buried my face in the golden mane, smelling sweetly of Maggie's shampoo. How could I explain? I moved back and tried to catch her eye, she was biting her lip and looking anywhere but at me.
"Spencer, look at me." She just shook her head and I could see she was holding back tears. I didn't understand. She was so strong and confident, taking control of the situation and protecting me when I'd needed it. How come a sentence reduced her to this? Surely I didn't mean that much to her? Forming my words with care I explained my reasoning, hoping she would understand.
"I'm broken Spencer. I can't function by myself," I snorted. "Look what happened earlier. I completely shut down because I was nervous about kissing you." I heard a gasp of surprise but she didn't speak, I took it as a sign to continue. "What I'm trying to say is that I can't look after myself and I won't bring that into a relationship. If that's what we're talking about?" I hastily added in case I'd really read the signals wrong but she nodded, reassuring me. "I don't want to lean on you. You deserve someone who can take as much care of you as you have already shown to me." God! This wasn't coming out right so I tried again.
"I need to fix me before I can be with you and be everything I want to be to you." Was that any better?
"You do want to be with me," she asked with a confused frown and I nodded.
"More than anything," it was the absolute truth.
"But you don't think you want to be with me yet?" I shook my head at this statement.
"I want to be with you but I know I can't be," I clarified. "Spencer, I need to know I can do this on my own. Hell I've been out of re-hab less than a month. Every day is still a struggle, I wake up and most days I still crave the numbness. It passes but it's still there. If we tried to be together and it didn't work, because I couldn't do it, it would probably kill me, I'd be back to the drugs in a second. I'm still not strong enough to take it Spencer. I already don't think I could live without you," I finished in a whisper.
When silence returned I could hear her sobs, almost silent but she was crying.
Xxxx
"Ash!" The thought of losing her for real tore a hole in my heart. "I'll look after you and keep you safe," I swore as I enveloped her in my arms but she struggled free and sat up.
"No," She looked down at me as she shook her head. "You shouldn't have to, not all the time Spencer," she finished with a sigh. "You've got Maggie, may be you two should be together?"
"Ash, no!" I sat up to join her and grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to look at me."No baby, you know I love Maggie, right?' She nodded so I continued to drive my point home. "But I want to be with you because I am in love with you."
There, I'd said the words. There was complete silence in the room but I could feel my heart pounding away at a gallop, it sounded like thunder to me but I doubted she could hear it.
"You love me?" Those brown eyes searched my soul and I hoped she found the truth there. Almost in a daze she reached out and placed her hand over my heart as it hammered in my chest.
"With everything that I am," I pledged to her.
Again there was a silence as our words hung like smoke, intangible but present in the air between us.
"Will you help me, until I can be with you?" The words were whispered but I could feel as well as hear them as the vibrations travelled down her arm.
"I'm yours Ash. I'll be anything you need me to be." I gave her my word and she relaxed, collapsing against me. I took her weight and let it tip us back onto the bed so she was lying against my chest.
"Can we start as friends?" My charge asked quietly, "I know you'll be there for me but can we start slowly?" This caused me to frown, I wasn't sure how I felt about that.
"Ash, I have more to give you than friendship," I was actually quite hurt and my voice betrayed my feelings.
xxxx
"Honey, I know you do," I jumped in to soothe the girl holding me. Shit, I didn't mean to offend her.
"OK, so what do you suggest?" If in doubt, get a second opinion.
"I don't know, how about we hang out. Spend time together, get to know each other then see where we are in a bit?" Spencer suggested and I chuckled.
"Be friends you mean?" I pushed up so I could look at her and her expression made me smile. "You're cute when you're befuddled," I said, kissing her on the nose.
xxxx
I growled with mock ferocity as I realised I'd walked right into that one.
"Friends then," I agreed disgustedly and flopped back onto the bed.
"OK Ms Carlin," Ashley mocked me and the mood lightened significantly. "Friends it is," she smiled as she looked down on me
"But I don't want to stop kissing you," I whined. This sucked, I was whipped without any of the whipping privileges.
"I'm sure that can be worked into the arrangement," she purred as she snuggled into me. "How about full girlfriend privileges without the pressure?"
"You mean?" I left the question hanging.
"Sex?" She replied and I nodded, blushing as I brought it down to such a base level. "If it happens it happens. I'm not rushing into anything but I'm not a fucking nun either." She stopped speaking and just observed me.
"Whatever you feel comfortable with," I smiled at my 'girlfriend of the future' and received a cheeky kiss on the nose. OK, that all sounded wonderful but now was the time to come clean.
"Ashley?"
"Spencer?"
"I, I don't just sleep with Maggie ya know," I confessed quietly and she pulled away to look at me.
"Addison?" She stated, I guess she'd figured that one out.
"Yeah, but it's complicated," I sighed as I thought about everything and how it would change my life. "Others too," I'd better get it all out in the open without going into specifics until I'd cleared it with them first.
"Do you sleep around, lots of girls?" A valid question I thought and I was more than a bit pleased to see her eyes narrowed with jealousy.
"No and I love them all." Obviously you know I did, it just wasn't this kind of love. I'd give it all up in a second even though I knew I'd hurt them. We were, well not adults but I figured if we were mature enough to be involved in this way we should be able to deal with the consequences of our actions. Her expression relaxed when I explained, still it was flattering to know she already felt so possessive.
"Spence?"
"Ash?"
xxxx
"You don't have to change for me you know." Another frown appeared at my words. "Don't worry, I'm not using it as an excuse to sleep around myself," I hastily added. Last thing I wanted was her to think that I wanted to play the field. "Spence, it's you and only you when I you know, um do." She smiled, understanding what I was trying to say.
"Oh!" A very smug smile appeared on her sexy face before she reassured me, "and, uh, no! I really didn't think that. Just, well, surprised that it doesn't bother you." She paused. "I'm not sure if if bothers me though." She looked thoughtful.
To be perfectly honest I found her free flowing sexuality very, very attractive. Especially as it was associated with caring relationships rather than random hook ups. It was also a huge turn on that she would drop it all for me if I asked, but I wasn't asking. She had a life and I needed to build my own. Hopefully our relationship would develop over time and at some point we could take that step and be everything for each other but I couldn't do that. Not yet. God knows I really wanted to do that right this second but I knew I'd be on a path to self-destruction.
"Why don't you talk to them? See what they say and see what they are comfortable with." There was another pause in the conversation while we both got caught up in our thoughts. "Sorry, I don't mean to pry," I apologised, thinking I'd gone too far.
"I don't mind talking about it," she shrugged, meeting my eyes. "But do you mind if let them know what's going on here?" She meant between us. "Before I do? I mean it's not a secret but it's complicated." I assumed she was referring to Addison, was she also sleeping with someone else in a relationship? 'New' Ashley didn't approve but I would wait until I knew the full story before passing judgement. Huh, who was I to pass comment? I hadn't cared who I'd slept with single, in a relationship, gay or straight. "However it works out if it ever starts to bother you, you must let me know. I won't lose you Ashley, nothing's worth that. Promise me, please?" Spencer begged and all I could do was smile.
"Of course honey. I hope you realise I'd do anything for you." God, did you hear the crack of the whip too?
"You're so sweet, can I keep you?" My 'yet to be defined' pinched my cheek and I bared my teeth and growled.
"Yes, but don't feed me after midnight, it gets ugly!"
"Bright light, bright light!" Spencer squeaked in her best Gizmo impression, awww so cute.
We both laughed and snuggled closer to each other, if that was physically possible.
Xxxx
Time passed by and we just held each other. Kisses were shared, gentle touches, smiles and the odd giggle when we found ourselves getting all love struck as we lay with our foreheads touching. Ashley started humming and I recognised the tune.
"Eye to eye," I sang softly and the widest smile appeared on her face.
"Thigh to Thigh," she sang back in an extremely sexy, husky voice. Then we sang, alternating the lines. She had a fantastic voice.
"I let go."
"I think I'm a little bit,"
"Little bit,"
A little bit in love with you," she ducked her head shyly as she sang the words
"But only if you're a little bit,"
"Little bit,"
"Little bit,"
"In love with me," I nodded and she cupped my face and kissed me oh so sweetly as though trying to convey all her unsaid words.
"So, where do I sign up?" Ashley asked me as I held her after our little performance.
"What do you mean?" I was confused, again. Today was turning out to be a very blonde day!
"For Spencer's harem?" She continued in a husky, sex drenched voice I hadn't heard before. Fuck me, that got me wet right there.
"Uh, um," Come on SC keep the cool. "No papers, it's an oral agreement," I managed to retort and received a perfectly arched eyebrow in response.
"Well that sounds like a lot of fun," she breathed into my ear.
"You have no idea," I growled and flipped us so I was raised on my hands above her. I looked down at her and smirked at how turned on she looked. Ashley's lips were slightly swollen from our kisses, there was a delicate blush on her cheeks and her tongue was doing that cute but very sexy thing where the very tip sat on her bottom lip. I could think of all kinds of things I wanted it to do.
"Oh, I have a few Spencer," I gasped as her knee shot up and caught me right on the clit, my knees buckled and before I knew it I was on my back.
"What's wrong Spence?" Her brown eyes glittered with intent and she rocked into me a couple of times, just letting me know I was at her mercy. She bent her head and a cascade of soft hair excluded the outside world as we kissed again, totally losing ourselves. Each kiss was different. Our dynamic was still fluid and I suspected it always would be. It wouldn't settle into a predictable pattern but constantly shift like the ocean, pushing against one another, parting and merging, each time taking a different piece of the other to be returned at an unknown time. To be base, I knew it was going to make for mind blowing sex.
When our bodies were trying to tempt us further into passion she pulled back and we took a moment together, lying in silence until our breathing evened.
"What about Maggie?" I eventually asked, raising the question I know had been on both our minds. "She's hurting." Ashley nodded before she replied.
"As far as I'm concerned there will always a place for her in my heart," she paused. "And, in my bed if that was acceptable," she finished quietly and waited for my response.
I thought about what she was suggesting. I tried to see it from Maggie's perspective. Would she want to be included or would it just make it harder for her to deal with? I knew she wouldn't refuse any offer we made but should we? Yes, can you tell I'm all for it? However, I loved Maggie and don't want to hurt her any more than I already had. I took a deep breath before replying and Ashley tensed.
"She was my first you know?" I confessed and Ashley's head lifted in surprise.
"I didn't," she paused. "I assumed..." she tailed off without finishing her sentence.
"What, that I slept around?" I teased and she pushed at my shoulder.
"No! Well, you're a dark horse Spencer Carlin"' her brows wiggled suggestively. "I mean, I'm not deaf. You were really going at it the other night." Oh god, I felt myself blush.
"No, she was the first." I confirmed. "There haven't been many," I added so Ashley knew what she was getting into.
Xxxx
"But after what Maggie told me I know you're not inexperienced? You've had a lot of sex?" She looked quite uncomfortable as I dug deeper
"What exactly did Maggie say?" Was her cautious reply.
"Um," I actually got aroused just thinking about it, more so now I knew it was Spencer that Maggie had been talking about. "Well, she said she'd trust you with her life, it was the best sex she's ever had, apart from me of course," had to get that in there to save my ego. "She let you do things to her she'd never even thought of when we were together." I watched an unreadable expression appear on Spencer's face but had a good idea what she was thinking, it had turned her on. "She also implied that she'd taken your cock and that your tongue fucking skills were top notch." I chuckled, she'd gone bright red but her eyes were dark. "What's not to love?" I laughed as she buried her head under the pillow. "Hey!"Sticking my head under with her I grinned into the semi darkness. "Nothing to be ashamed of Spencer. Actually. I. Find. It. Very. Sexy." I purred as I took advantage and kissed my way up her neck. Need I say that memories of my little fantasy, plus the images of Spencer fucking Maggie had me all kindsa turned on? Nope, because I know you're right there with me.
She was helpless beneath my lips. I loved the way she froze as I kissed and nibbled my way over her soft skin. She smelt so good, it was intoxicating me.
"You must be good to keep them coming back for more," I finished before claiming her lips as my prize.
"I can't wait to see what you're capable of," she managed to pant into our kisses.
"I can't wait to show you," I retaliated. Her only answer was to grab my head and pull me in.
xxxx
As we both came up for air I pulled back from the utter temptation that lay next to me. I knew she wanted to take this slowly but at this rate I'd be inside her in mere minutes.
"Maggie." I tried to refocus us both on the conversation we had been having before she seduced me. Not that it took more than a kiss. "It would make me very happy but should we? Or should we make a clean break?" I quickly changed the subject. "I just don't want to hurt her any more."
Ashley pondered my words although she didn't take her eyes off my lips.
"We didn't choose this Spence. It's not as though we've gone out to deliberately hurt her. I love her and think it would be good to keep her in our lives."
"I agree, it's just I wonder of we're being selfish. We get what we want but is it what is best for her?" I reasoned.
"Maggie's a big girl, she can make up her own mind. Let's just ask her and see what she says. OK?"
"OK," I agreed, it was the best and only way.
"Now, where were we?" She grabbed my hands and used them to push me flat on my back then positioned herself above me. She was in total control and I relished her return to confidence by making the most of being her bitch while I could. I was just as happy caring for her but this felt so good.
"Mmmmm, we're getting good at this," Ashley purred as she carefully laid herself on top of me, placing gentle kisses on my face.
"No, definitely need more practice," I nudged her jaw with my nose and ran it along towards her neck making her giggle.
"Do you think this is strange?" She asked as her fingers played with the hem of my top as she supported herself on her forearm.
"What? Us?" I was a bit confused.
"Yeah, look at us. We're like," she paused, "You know really comfortable with each other and it's been less than 24 hours. I've only known you a week and most of that time I hated you." Another giggled followed, she was so cute when the walls were down.
Xxxx
What was I turning into ? A lovesick teenager? Oh wait! I was!
"Um, actually we've met before," I cleared my throat and waited for her reaction to my confession.
"No we hav...," she didn't finish the sentence but instead sat bolt upright in shock, she looked distraught. "Have we...?" She looked really worried and sounded stressed that she might have forgotten being with me. Truth be told I was gutted she didn't remember me, I shouldn't have been surprised but until I'd heard it from my love's lips there had been a chance.
"No!" I quickly jumped in to reassure her. "No, not like that but you wanted to. Maggie kicked you out."
She was frowning but understanding flickered as she made the connection.
"That was you? In Maggie's room?" I nodded and waited for her speak again. "I was so pissed off with her that night," she continued quietly. "I remember leaving, then fucking Caitlin because I couldn't fuck you, I wanted to take you. I remember that, but not that it was you, just a blonde that I wanted. Then another party in town. Getting higher," a harsh laugh, "I probably fucked another girl, I couldn't tell you." There was silence now apart from her ragged breaths as she ran her fingers through her hair.
I wasn't going to mention the hospital, there would be another time for that, if I said anything at all. Her words last night must have been a coincidence. I sat and watched her dealing with the memories, this is what she had been trying to explain to me. There was a lot of history, bad behaviour, callous actions and mental trauma she still needed to come to terms with, out here, in the real world. Therapy sessions in a safe environment were one thing, facing the consequences of her actions and fighting temptation were still part of her daily existence. Add the, albeit pleasant, stress of a fledgling relationship into the mix and it would be asking for trouble. Now that I fully understood I admired her maturity and self-awareness, I would have happily gone in head first and tried to fix her myself but that wouldn't help in the long run.
"I'm sorry," Ashley apologised but couldn't meet my eye. "Sorry I don't remember, sorry I wanted to use you for a fuck," she finished in a whisper.
"You're forgiven." The words were simple but her body sagged as the tension left. I knelt up on the bed so I was facing her and gently cupped her face in my hands. I needed to tell her exactly how I felt "If you had stayed we might not be here, now, like this." I kissed her soft lips then stared into caramel depths. "Ever since that moment, when I looked into your eyes, I've been yours Ashley Davies. I've not been able to get you out of my head. I think about you constantly and just the memory of your scent drives me wild." I buried my nose in her hair as if to prove my point.
Ashley's head dropped back and she moaned softly, giving me free access to her neck.
"I've fantasised about being with you, making love. Giving you everything I have." I sucked on her pulse point until I marked her. She made no move to push me away, rather revelled in the branding. "Taking what you have to give." She hummed deep in her throat at the deeper meaning behind my words.
"Spencer," my brunette gasped as she ran her fingers through my hair.
"I love you Ashley."
"I love you Spencer."
Next on Bringing it Home
'Good weekend?' Amy straddled my lap and kissed me softly on the lips and I was more than happy to indulge myself and spent long moments kissing her back.
'Um, yes, but I need to talk to you,' her mood dropped at my quiet words.
'Spencer, what's wrong?' She was worried but I don't think she really knew why.