38
Ianto was tired and rose, Jack leaping up to help him and Ianto shook his head to let him know it was not only unwanted but annoying. Jack stepped back with open confusion as Ianto never acted like this.
After he had left Jack sat and looked at his grandmother in silent question.
"He is still hurting. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things love and he might have decided that this is worth moving aside in order to move forward, but it is still there. He needs time. He doesn't want to look back at it. Does not want it to drag you both down, hold you back. He is maintaining what delicate control he can. He needs to in order to feel safe. You know this, he was always an insecure child." She counselled gently "Let him have his time. His space. Let him come to you, tell you want he wants. This is good. This is. You will both grow from it."
She certainly hoped so.
.
.
.
.
Jack cancelled his meetings for the next day and Mary sighed, clucking her tongue as smothering the boy was not going to help either and she went to find Ianto. He was sitting on the balcony of his bed chambers watching the gardeners below. Night rolling in and the frosts would come, the need to place frost cloths over the roses making them move quickly.
"Jack cancelled all his duties tomorrow to be with you" she said without fanfare, Ianto turning to look at her.
"I didn't ask him to do that!"
"He wants to be ready for whatever you need, want. He is so eager to tend to you, he's desperate" she settled in to a chair and watched his hands pluck at the blanket a kind member of staff had insisted on placing over his legs. At least they were seeing to him in a way he could accept right now.
"Am I being too harsh?"
"No daring boy. You are being what you need to be right now. I understand, your feelings are still raw" she smiled softly, "I can see that you want to let it go but … hormones are a heady thing. Your need to protect that little life inside you, of course you feel off kilter."
He nodded, looking over at some more gardeners running for the far end of the garden, their laughter barely heard as one fell. He settled back in the chair more, his hands finally stilling. "It's her. It's always her like a thorn in my side. I forgive, forgive, forgive… this time I know is her too. The hurt is so… well. Trust is a hard thing with me and I know losing his mother like this has hurt him so deeply. I do not want to make things worse."
"Gray."
Ianto grimaced and she knew she had guessed right. "Gray."
"He still talks to her, I do not think he deliberately gave her ammunition, more like she wheedled it out of him. She is good with word games, you know that. He was horrified when this happened, his only concern was for you and he and Jack had a terrible row the entire palace could hear. He berated his brother for scaring you like that. He called you precious. Did you know that? Gray said you were the most precious thing Jack had ever caught falling from the stars. I was surprised at the level of affection. He is always so withheld." She paused as Ianto's face changed for a moment.
"She did that too. Taught him that it's weakness to show affection. He covertly hugs me. Like if he is caught doing it there are repercussions" Ianto lifted a hand to scrub at his face. Tired. Too tired to settle.
"And Jack? Where do you see yourself with him?"
"Once this weird feeling in my core settles down, god willing goes away… holding me again. I want him, crave him but that weird zinging feeling holds me back" he frowned.
"That is a defence mechanism that mothers the world over will tell you is love. A love for their child that is unbreakable and may be a wonderful feeling but also the cruellest one as when push comes to shove, a good mother will choose her child over everything she loves in the world, the child being the only thing in the end that matters." She patted his hand, her face growing sad as Ianto realized what she was saying.
"You are a mother."
"Yes. And a Grandmother too. Choosing between children is hard, harsh and there is no clear winner. She at least made that easier for me by killing the one I loved more, even if I would have never admitted it. Her father's daughter, his little apple of his eye. She always saw me and Skip … I can never call him James, so much my father's name …King James …. as competition to his affection and even in the beginning as a small child would push between him and her brother. .. My own daughter, Regicide is such a horrible and benign word for what she did. I am still a mother, but both my children are forfeit. Now Jackson, you and this little one are my only hope at feeling that zing again. Holding him in my arms that first time … I know will make the pain that overrules my pleasure right now recede and I will once again feel pride in my bloodline." She stopped talking and they sat holding hands as the night crept in, the sunset flared and she watched his face light up as he drank in the colours.
Then as she rose to leave he said softly "Can you please tell Jack I want him to sing his son goodnight, he has missed his Dada."
She sighed softly with relief as she went to tell him the thaw was really happening.