AN. Thank you SO much to everyone who has reviewed, I am simply blown away.
Guest: re: Jemma Rix- of course it's ok to say that! I say it too! LOL.
Chapter Thirty- Seven
A week after Elphaba had lapsed into the coma , Galinda was still avoiding the room she and Elphaba shared as much as possible. She was thankful that Nessa welcomed the company, and it said a lot that she was willing to spend her nights sleeping on a mattress on the floor in Horrible Morrible's compartment.
She had only returned to her room to dump her shopping and grab some fresh clothes. It was too horrendible for her to be there and see everything on Elphaba's side of the room, exactly the way had left it, as though she would be back any moment.
Until now, Galinda had been careful not to disturb anything. But when she had made a quick detour by the room to put away the three new pairs of shoes she had just bought- all on sale, thank you very much- she came to the startling revelation that she had officially run out of room in her closet.
"Damn," she muttered with a sigh.
Wondering what to do now, she looked around the room thoughtfully. When her eyes landed on Elphaba's closet, she hesitated.
"There's bound to be room in there," she muttered to herself. "Elphie only has like five pairs of shoes."
She felt kind of guilty, but nevertheless she opened the door, and peeked inside. Sure enough, aside from three shoeboxes piled atop of one another, a few pairs of shoes neatly stacked, and some dresses hung up, Elphaba's closet was empty.
Galinda only hesitated for a moment. "I can just store them here for now," she reasoned, giving in.
She grabbed the bags and hastily half-threw them into the closet. As she did so, she knocked the shoe boxes Elphaba had stored there, and they tumbled to the ground.
"Oz damn it," Galinda swore.
She hastily dropped to her knees to re-stack the boxes. And then she stopped in her tracks. Several envelopes had fallen out of one of the shoe boxes. But the thing that made her stop was that one of the envelopes had her name on it.
Galinda.
It was Elphaba's handwriting, alright and for some reason the sight of it filled Galinda with fear. Why would Elphaba have written a letter to her, and hidden it? Picking up the others, her sense of dread grew. Fiyero, Nessarose, Boq and Father. They were all there.
Her hands shaking, Galinda opened the envelope with her name on it and began to read.
Dear Galinda,
Did I ever tell you that you were the first friend I've ever had? I guess that wouldn't surprise you, but it's true. And I want to thank you for that.
It's funny now, to think back and remember how much I hated you when we first met. And I'm not going to lie, I really did hate you. You just turned up on the first day, walking in like you owned the place and the world revolved around you and we were all idiots if we didn't acknowledge that and bow down at your feet.
Sorry. That came out a little harsher than I intended.
You were the last person I ever expected to become friends with, but I'm so glad we did. And in the past four months alone, you have done so much to help me, and I don't really know how to thank you for that.
Galinda, the circumstances under which you're reading this letter... that's assuming of course, that you've actually found this letter... my point is, that if I can't say this to you in person, I want you to know something.
Your friendship means so much to me, Glin and I've learned so much from you. Some things I could have lived without knowing (the difference between fall colours and summer colours for one), but nonetheless.
And I want you to remember something. You are much more than people realise, Galinda Upland. You are the epitome of the pretty, popular, rich girl who cares more about the history of the polka dot than the history of Oz. But there is more to you than that. You are capable of doing more than planning parties and looking pretty. You're smart Galinda, and you can do anything you want to. You could change the world, do some good.
The other thing is... I know the type of life that awaits you. The expectations of society and probably your parents that you marry right, marry someone worthy of your station in life. But make sure you marry for love. I know you love being admired and adored by the masses, but make sure you marry someone who truly loves you. Because you should be happy, and there is someone out there who will both worship you and respect you. Find someone who loves you for the person you are and not the image you present to the world.
And you probably will marry someone who's handsome and rich and has some kind of title, and you'll spit out some adorable blonde children (if you do have a daughter, please take pity on the girl and dress her in other colours than pink). And if that will really make you happy, truly happy, I hope all that does happen for you.
But I'm going to ask one favour of you- Nessa. I've been there for her entire life, and I don't think she has what it takes to be an only child. She still might need a big sister, and I hope you wouldn't mind filling that role. Truth be told, you'll probably be a better sister than me. Nessa actually has an interest in fashion and boys and make up, and all those subjects that you're an expert on and that I know nothing about.
So remember, be brilliant and be loved, and most of all, be happy. And thank you for being my friend.
Love from, Elphaba."
Galinda was crying as she stared at the paper, her hands shaking.
"The circumstances under which you're reading this letter."
Elphaba didn't have to say it for Galinda to know what her friend had done. She had written a goodbye letter. In case she died. Which right now, was the very real possibility that they were all struggling to face.
Wiping her eyes, Galinda grabbed the other letters and her purse and left the room, leaving everything exactly where it was. She went straight back to the hospital, and up to Elphaba's room where the others were gathered.
Boq was the first one to notice the look on her face, and he immediately became concerned.
"Galinda? Are you okay?" he asked worriedly.
It wasn't unusual for any of them to get upset these days, but there was something in Galinda's eyes that alarmed him.
Galinda burst into tears again as she dug the letters out of her purse.
"I found these... in El-Elphie's r-room. There's one for each of us," she choked out.
Fiyero stood up. "What are they?"
Galinda met his gaze tearily. "Goodbye letters."
Nessa wheeled forward. "Galinda, what are you talking about? Elphaba wouldn't-"
"Well, she did, Nessa. Because I read mine, and that's what it is."
"Wait, you read yours?" Fiyero said in disbelief. "Galinda, why would you-"
"It had my name on it!" Galinda protested. "That was all it had on it. Just my name. It didn't exactly say 'only open this if I'm dead'!"
She slapped a hand over her mouth in horror, as Fiyero flinched and Nessa went pale.
"I'm sorry," Galinda whispered. "I'm sorry, I just..."
Fiyero stepped forward and gently hugged her until she stopped crying.
"I think you should read yours," she said when she had regained control over herself.
Fiyero refused immediately. "No. Galinda... Fae wrote these for a reason. But she's not... she's still here. And I can't..."
"I know," she nodded. "But these letters... they're Elphaba. And I think we're all feeling a little... lost right now without her. I know that reading mine... no matter what happens, I am going to treasure this letter for the rest of my life. It might help you to-"
Fiyero shook his head. "Glin, no."
She pressed the envelope with his name into his hands.
"Just think about it," she said softly. "Nessa? Boq? Do you want to read yours?"
Nessa nodded immediately. She seemed close to tears, but when she took the envelope from Galinda, she gazed at it reverently.
Boq accepted his, and then Galinda turned back to Nessa awkwardly.
"There was one more. It's for your father."
Nessa was surprised. "Oh. Um... I'll give it to him. He's just stepped out with Fiyero's parents for a moment."
Galinda eagerly surrendered the letter to Nessa. She hadn't exactly been relishing the idea of having to explain this to Frex. She couldn't even imagine what Elphaba had written to her father.
Galinda didn't expect them all to open and read the letters right in the room, she knew it was an incredibly personal experience.
Fiyero seemed resolved to continue his denial about reading his letter. Once Galinda gave it to him, he reluctantly slipped it into his jacket pocket and ignored it. Nessa kept turning hers over in her hands, as though trying to work up the nerve to open it.
Ten minutes into what had become an incredibly awkward silence, Boq was the first to cave and leave the room, envelope in hand. He left the room and headed to the closest bathroom, where he could read the letter in private.
He wasn't sure how he felt about reading it. Galinda and Fiyero both had their points. Yes, Elphaba had written these letters to be read if something happened and although she was unconscious, she was still here and still alive. But at the same time... Boq really missed Elphaba, and he was curious as to what she had to say to him.
"Dear Boq,
First of all, I have to say thank you. Over the past few months, you've really proven yourself as a great friend, and not just to me.
I guess we all have our roles to play within our social groups. And although I don't pretend to be an expert on recognising what those roles are, I know that you've felt uncertain about what role it is you play. And that makes sense, even though I could argue that we all feel that way at one point of another.
But I digress.
Since all this start, you've fulfilled a role in our group that I'm not even sure you know that you're filling. You've become the pillar, the foundation. You know that the reason I asked you to come with me to the hospital that first day was because we weren't as close. Because it meant that I didn't have to hold you together while I digested the news.
So I want to say thank you for being such a good friend, and not just to me, but to all of us.
And I think that's your role, not only within our group, but in life. You do all these little things to support the people around you, which go relatively unnoticed. You never complain about that, you just accept the fact that you blend in to the crowd. And believe me, if I could switch places with you, I would in an instant.
And all these little things you do, that probably go unappreciated and you think no one ever sees... they matter. All the little things add up and they make a difference. Through all this, the one thing I keep fighting for is a sense of normalcy, and all the little things help that feel possible.
I know this is a lot to ask. But I am asking you, as my friend, not to stop doing those little things. And to help the others get through this. You're the closest to Nessa- geographically, anyway. I'm asking Galinda to keep an eye on her, but I would really appreciate if you could help. Although my father is warmer towards her than me, I don't think it'll be enough. And Fiyero... please just keep him on the right path. He hides behind that 'dancing through life' facade, and I can't have him hiding the wonderful person he is and the great King he will make one day from the rest of the world. I can't bear that thought.
And I want you to know that we appreciate all those little things you do, even if we don't appear to notice them. You play a vital role in our group, Boq, and you will play a vital role in life. You have a great future ahead of you, that is made of more than being a 'mere Munchkin'.
Thank you for everything.
Elphaba."
Fiyero was writing furiously when Boq returned to the room, his eyes red. Nessa and Galinda were both absent, and the room was silent. Boq sat down beside Fiyero silently, and handed him the letter.
Fiyero stilled, not looking up.
"Boq, I don't think I should-"
"Read it," Boq said flatly. "You have to read it."
Fiyero looked over and saw the strange expression on his face. Reluctantly, he put down his pen and paper and began to read.
Boq just sat there beside him and waited. He didn't look at Fiyero, he didn't think he wanted to see his face right now.
"She's right."
Boq was surprised. "About what?"
Fiyero carefully folded up the letter and handed it back to him.
"You're a great friend, Boq."
Boq didn't know what to say to that.
"Look, Fiyero. I know why you don't want to read your letter. And I get it, I really do. But I think you should read yours. Did you notice the date on the letter?"
Fiyero frowned, and looked again. He recognised the date immediately.
"That was when she was in the hospital. Her splenectomy."
Boq nodded. "Yeah. She wrote these to say everything she wasn't sure she'd get a change to say. Things she wanted us to know, about how she saw us. And I know you're struggling right now, which is why I think it's important that you read whatever it is she wanted to tell you."
Fiyero ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "You think I don't want to? Boq, I'm dying to know what she wrote. But if I read it... it's like I'm accepting the idea that she won't wake up. And I'm not ready to do that, I can't give up fighting for her just yet."
Boq could understand that, and nodded silently.
"You still can't talk to her, huh?" he asked, changing the subject.
"No. I'm trying, but..." Fiyero looked almost pained as he gazed at Elphaba's still form.
Boq didn't know how to help this time.
Meanwhile, Galinda and Nessa had disappeared to the small garden that was on the hospital grounds. Or rather, Nessa had disappeared and Galinda had gone searching for her. When she found her, Nessa's eyes were red and it was clear she had just been crying.
Galinda immediately hugged the younger girl tightly, trying to comfort her.
"You read your letter?"
Nessa nodded, sobbing quietly.
"She just... it's not fair. She's my family! Elphaba is my family. She's been there my whole life... I don't want her to die."
Galinda hugged her tighter, her eyes burning with tears. "Elphie could still pull through," she managed to say.
Nessa looked at her seriously. "Do you still believe that, Galinda?"
"I have my fingers, toes and everything else crossed," Galinda replied.
They both knew that wasn't an answer.
"If we lose her, everything's going to change."
"It will," Galinda agreed reluctantly.
"I'll be alone..."
"No you won't," Galinda promised her.
Nessa sniffled. "What makes you so sure?"
Galinda reached into her purse and removed her letter, which she handed to Nessa.
"Here. Read this."
Nessa was stunned. "Galinda, are you sure?"
Galinda nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure. It's ok, I don't mind."
Nessa took it uncertainly, and then handed Galinda her own letter.
"You can read mine."
Galinda smiled slightly, and unfolded it as Nessa began to read.
"Dear Nessa,
The first thing I want you to know is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your life is the way it is. I never told you this, but I always felt like it was my fault, the fact that you can't walk. Momma only ate the milk flowers to stop you from being born like me, and if I hadn't been born you could have had a normal life.
And I hope you know that I always tried to be a good sister to you, to look after you and protect you. I don't know if I always succeeded, but I tried.
I also want you to know that I never resented the fact that Father loved you more than me. Because you deserve all the love. I wish you could have known Momma, and that she could have known you. I know I don't have the most memories of her, but what I do remember is that she was beautiful, and sweet and loving. You're more like her than you know, Nessie.
You're going to make a great Governor one day. You really care about Munchkinland and the Munchkins, and you've been preparing for this your whole life. I wish I could be there to see it. But if I was going to give you any advice, it would be this: Trust yourself. You have great judgement Nessa, but you don't always trust that judgement. Have confidence in yourself and your decisions.
And that doesn't just apply to Governor. I know what happened with Boq hurt you. And I know it's ironic that this lecture should come from me of all people; but I want you to believe that you are worthy of love. And you will find someone one day who won't care that you can't walk, and who will look at you the way you wanted Boq to.
I want you to have an amazing life, Nessa. I want you to get married, have children and be an amazing Governor.
And no matter what happens, you will have the others with you. I'm asking Galinda to look out for you, and Boq. Just because I want to make sure you're going to be okay- I'm still your big sister, after all.
There's one last thing too. Under my pillow, in my dorm room, there's a small green bottle. If you can't find it, ask Galinda, she knows about it. It was Momma's. I found it when I was about five, and Father let me keep it. I don't think it was anything especially important or special to her, I mean it's just a green bottle. But I've always treasured it because it was hers, and it's all I've ever had of hers.
I probably should have shared it with you sooner, and I'm sorry for that. But if you're reading this, it means that it's yours now. As for Father... well, I'm not really sure what to say here. I am writing to him too, so I hope he gets it.
I love you, Nessa. I know that there have been so many times when you've been ashamed of me, and I'm sorry for that. I wish I could change that, and make you proud of me. And I'm sure there were times I acted more your mother than your sister and was too over-protective. But I'm not going to apologise for that, because that's been my job for so long.
In the end, all I'm trying to say is that I love you. I couldn't have asked for a better sister, and I'm so proud of the young woman you've become and the amazing life you're going to lead.
I'll always be your big sister,
Love Elphaba."
"She thought I was ashamed of her," Nessa whispered sadly when she and Galinda had both finished reading.
"I wasn't. Never. I mean... there were times I was embarrassed, but I have never been ashamed of her. Why did I never tell her that?"
Galinda blinked back fresh tears as she squeezed Nessa's hand tightly.
"Nessa... Elphie knows that you love her."
"But I never told her that I was proud of her as my sister. And I should have. I mean, she practically raised me. She's run the household and... I should have told her."
"You still can," Galinda reassured her.
"I hope so," Nessa murmured tearfully.
Fiyero knew that they had all opened their letters. Well, except maybe for Frex. Nessa had given it to him, quietly explaining that it was from Elphaba. Frex had gone very quiet before simply saying "Oh" and taking it from her.
His own letter was burning a hole in Fiyero's pocket. But he was still torn. Finally, Nessa approached him.
"You haven't read yours?"
Fiyero sighed and shook his head. "No. I want to, but..."
She nodded in agreement. "I know what you mean. I was torn too. But I'm really glad I did. Because Elphaba wrote things that I didn't know, that I wasn't expecting. And I'm glad now, because when she wakes up, I can talk to her about it. I can make sure that she knows how much I love her and how grateful I am that she's my sister. So I think you should read it."
Fiyero hadn't thought about that.
"Thanks, Nessa. That actually helps a lot," he admitted.
She smiled faintly. "You're welcome."
Fiyero left the room, looking for privacy. The sun was setting outside, which cast an eerie glow through the halls of the hospital. He ended up at the door to Michi's office, just as she was leaving.
"Fiyero! How's Elphaba?"
Fiyero shook his head. "No change."
Michi touched his arm sympathetically. "I'm sorry."
He forced a smile. "Thanks. Um... I'm looking for some privacy, just for a few minutes. Would you mind if-?"
She cut him off, guessing what he was asking. "Not at all. Just shut the door and turn off the lights when you leave, alright?"
Fiyero smiled again gratefully. "Thank you. I will."
She left, and he settled himself in an armchair, before finally preparing himself and opening the envelope. A lump immediately appeared in his throat to see Elphaba's handwriting, but he forced himself to keep going.
"My dearest Yero,
Oz, I don't even know where to start.
I literally just keep staring at the paper, wondering what exactly I'm supposed to write. What am I supposed to say to you, the person I love most in the entire world.
I never used to dream about getting married or having children. Any of that. But now, the thought that we might not get that, that I might not get a life with you... it actually hurts. And it feels like I'm losing something that I've been waiting for my entire life.
I'm really scared, Yero. I'm lying here in a hospital bed, knowing that tomorrow they're going to cut out an organ. And all I can think about is that maybe I can't beat this. I'm trying, I've been trying so hard to think positive and optimistic and all that stuff. Not for me, but for you. For all of you.
I know I have so many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight. Nessa, you, Galinda, Boq. And I want to keep fighting for all of you, because I do want to have to say goodbye to any of you. But the truth is, that there are so many days where I'm hanging on by a thread and I'm just surviving.
I try my best to put on a brave face, but inside... I'm cold. I'm cold to my bones and my heart breaks. And the thing that gets me through is the thought of you.
So that's why I'm writing this. In case everything I have left isn't enough to beat this. In case there's a day where I forget to tell you that I love you.
Also, thank your parents for me. For accepting me from the very beginning, and for being so generous and supporting me through all of this. And tell them thank you for bringing such an amazing person into the world. You always talk about how I saved you and how much I've changed you. But what you don't realise Yero, is that you saved me. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I hope you know that. Do you remember when we were in the Emerald City? That night was so perfect. But what I don't think I said was what I should have said every day. Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for making me feel beautiful for the first time in my life, and for showing me what it means to be loved by someone and valued. You can make me smile when I'm having the worst day. There's times when you know what I'm thinking or feeling even before I do. And you made me dream of more. You made me believe that I was worth more, that I could be everything I'd been told my entire life that I never would be. A wife, a mother. That I was good, when everyone always told me that I was a mistake, a curse, an abomination.
And I want you to know that I love you more than I ever knew was possible. That we "loved with a love that was more than love", and I'm so grateful that I now know what lines like that mean. Because of you I know what it is to love someone and to be loved. I know that maybe soul mates do exist.
"But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee."
Do you remember that? If anything, I want you to remember that verse and what it means.
I want you to be happy, Yero. More than anything else, that's all I want for you in life. Whatever that means.
And I really believe that you're going to be a great king one day. And I'm not just saying that because I love you. I'm saying that because I have seen the person you are. You are kind and generous, and are much smarter than you pretend to be.
So please be happy. Please find a way to be happy. Because I love you so much and I need to know that you're going to be okay. Because right now I'm envisioning the last stanza of 'Annabel Lee', and I can't have that for you. I can't have you sleeping every night by my tomb. Please Yero.
I love you. And I always will.
Forever yours,
Fae."
Fiyero felt numb as he finished reading. He could see where she had written something and crossed it out, where her hand had shaken. Where there were odd blobs he suspected were tears.
He got to his feet and left Michi's office, heading down to Elphaba's room and opening the door.
"There you are!" Galinda exclaimed when she saw him enter. "Visiting hours are about to end."
"Can I just have a minute?" he asked them quietly.
Boq frowned slightly at his tone, but didn't comment on it.
"Sure. We'll meet you outside."
They all left, leaving Fiyero alone in the room with Elphaba.
Silently, he sat down in the seat next to her bed and took her hand in his, gently rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.
"Do you know what makes me happy, Fae?" he whispered to her. "You make me happy. That's it. And if you don't wake up, there will be no more happy. Without you, I can't imagine ever being happy again."
Tears clouded his eyes as he tightened his grasp on her limp hand.
"So I need you to wake up, okay? I need you to give me a reason to get up every morning and keep on living, and I'm not being melodramatic. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without you. So please... don't give up. Please, Fae. Just open your eyes and come back to me. Please..."
Fiyero lifted her hand and pressed his lips to the back of it hard, watching her closely as though she would magically open her eyes or something would happen. But nothing did. He was just left alone to cry silently and pray for her to open her eyes.
AN. A lot of Elphaba's letter to Fiyero was inspired by the song "Sweet Silver Lining" by Kate Voegele.