Jack
"Thanks for reading with her again," Sam says once we've sent Ser off to take her bath.
"I actually like it. I can't believe how willing to work she is. If I had to work that hard at anything I'm pretty sure I'd give up," I mutter.
Sam lets out a huge sigh.
"Something wrong?" I ask.
"I want to go back to school," she mutters.
I raise an eyebrow.
"I'm in control of the science division here. Over four hundred people. It's a big enough command to make Lieutenant Colonel."*
"But you need Air Command and Staff College," I say.
"They are letting me do it via correspondence," she says, "I wouldn't consider it if it meant another move after we just moved."
"Ten months, less than a year. I think you should do it."
"If I'm going to school in the night you're going to have to do even more with Ser."
"And get to see my wife less, but I'm willing to do it. I mean…if you actually want to do this?"
She raises her eyebrow.
"I just mean…you don't actually have to do this if you don't want to. If you want Lieutenant Colonel, Colonel, and General great. But Sam…if you don't want to…you know I like you just as you are, and as whoever you want to become."
"I think I want this…but I feel guilty. I want to be there for Ser, and I…want to try for another baby," she mutters.
We haven't talked about that since the day we lost the baby. Almost a month ago now. I nod. "I want that too," I say taking her hand.
She flashes me a huge smile. "And I feel like this…is too selfish."
"This is the reason people get married before they have kids…" I begin.
"Or in our case significantly after," she breaks in.
"Right, but the point is we are a team. You can take a little time for yourself, and I can pick up the slack. And when I've needed you to do the same you've been there. Teamwork. That's how this works."
"So…"
"My wife's going back to school."
"And baby?"
"Well, I think we should wait until our daughter's in bed to start on that one," I tease.
Said daughter enters the room just then, "Who's tucking me in?"
"I am," Sam says, "Turns out I won't be doing that for awhile."
"Where is Mommy going?" our daughter asks panicked. She goes to a school where most of the kids are from military families. And she's perhaps a bit too familiar with the concept of deployment.
"Honey, mom's not going anywhere. She's going to start doing school so she'll be busier in the nights."
"I'm sorry," Sam says looking at Ser like her heart is breaking.
"It's ok Mommy, I'm busy in the nights too. There is nothing wrong with hard work," she says.
"God I love my family," Sam says picking her up and carrying her off to the room.
Sam
My daughter loves to do her homework "with me". She sits cross legged on the kitchen chair. She twists pencils into her hair while holding the book with her elbow. She reads her stories aloud to Jack. She's gotten much better at her reading lately. So good in fact that sometimes she reads the stories twice in a single night.
We tell her to stop when she's read it once. We tell her not to work so hard. But she's addicted to hard work.
Jack says she's like me, but really she's like Jack.
Her first grade year is almost over. My degree is almost over. And I'm not pregnant. Twice by accident, but now that we actually decided to have a kid? Nothing.
Jack looks up at me from across the kitchen table, "Sam" he says with sympathy.
No way could he read my mind.
"It's gonna happen," he says.
"It's official, we share a brain," I say.
"What's gonna happen?" Ser asks.
"Daddy's gonna have some ice cream while you read that story," he says getting up, and pressing a kiss to my forehead on his way to the freezer.
Cassie
God I hate throwing up. I suppose it's a part of the typical college experience. But I'm not a typical college student. And I'm not throwing up for the typical reason. I don't drink. I tried it once (Dad would kill me if he knew, I was only 17 then), but I think it's one of those alien things. I didn't get buzzed. Just got a powerful headache and the dizzies. Not exactly something I wanted to repeat.
And now I'm throwing up for the third time this week. And I think I know what it means. A month ago Dominic got to come home for a week of leave.
We used protection-most of the time. Let's just say there were a lot of times, and only so many condoms come in a box. Even the mega sized economy box.
Hey, I hadn't seen my husband in SIX months!
Yeah, husband. I've been trying to work up the nerve to tell my parents that Dominic and I got married before he left for Iraq the first time. It wasn't the real marriage. I mean we did it because…on Hanka you don't have sex before you get married. And because there was no question in either of our minds that we are going to be together forever. We've known for years that we were going to get married.
But we planned on having a big wedding later-lace, music, guests. I'm still hoping for that…maybe after college.
But we had a wedding before he left, at the courthouse. It was not my dream wedding. Just the two of us in front of a stranger. Sand in my shoes, my hair messed by a make-out session while we waited, and jeans and a t-shirt.
All we wanted was the sheet of paper that said we were together forever, no matter what.
It seemed like enough.
But now, as I sit on the floor of the bathroom I wish we'd been showier. I wish I'd told my parents the next day. I wish his parents knew. I wish…
I wish my mom hadn't lost a baby seven months ago. I wish they were able to have the baby they want so bad.
How the hell am I supposed to tell them? And what is Dominic going to say?
We want kids. After I finish college we were going to have two, a couple years apart. I'd stay home for four or five years, and then I would start work. That's how it was supposed to work.
I feel the nausea rising again. Ah…I'm going to think about this when I feel better.
Student Health Center Nurse**
Ah…what's my guess on this one? By the way she's slinking, but in a straight, sober line in here it's got to be one of three things. Either she thinks her roommate is dying of alcohol poisoning in her room, she thinks I'm an easy way to get high, or she wants a morning after pill.
I really hate college students. I need another job.
"Hey," she says carefully shutting the door.
"What seems to be the problem?" I ask.
"Ah…I think…you do pregnancy tests here, right?" she asks.
"Yep, I'll get that lined up with an STD test, too," I mutter.
"No…that won't be necessary, just a pregnancy test."
Do they even teach health in the schools anymore? I tell you the kids who come to this college just keep getting dumber and dumber, "If you could be pregnant, you could have an STD."
"Not in this case," she says looking offended. They never think of themselves as slutty as they really are. But if it acts, talks, thinks, and dresses like a slut…actually this one has on a lot of clothes for a slut.
"Honey, STD's are easier to catch than pregnancy. You don't even need…"
"My HUSBAND and I were both virgins when we had sex. We've been together since we were fifteen. So I really don't need to be checked for STD's. I do however, want to find out if I'm going to be a mother."
"Your husband?" I ask.
"Yeah," she says but she still looks worried.
"Ok, let's do this test," I say.
She closes her eyes when I draw the blood, but she doesn't flinch. Courage amongst fear, and I think that is pretty much how she feels about the baby.
"Planned baby?" I ask.
She shakes her head.
"How old are you?"
"Nineteen."
"Freshman?"
She nods.
"Does your husband go to school here too?"
"Ah…Air Force…Iraq," she mutters.
"If this is positive. You have options," I tell her.
"Seriously? First you judge me for sleeping around, and now you want to kill my kid. I really should have gone to the gas station and done this test myself. Free or not free, you suck," she says standing up and heading toward the door.
"A pregnancy test is just the beginning," I say, "You need good prenatal care, if not you're putting your child at risk."
When I was in school, before I graduated, and got stuck in this hellhole of a job, I worked a rotation at a pediatrician's office. Those moms would do anything if you told them it was in their kid's best interests.
She sits down and nods her head.
Cassie
Pregnant.
I walked around campus for an hour after I got the news.
But I figure I'd better get on with the list that bitch of a nurse gave me. I mean I may not like her, but she does know more about pregnancy than I do.
What worries me the most is that no one really knows about what happens when a Hankan person has a baby with an Earth human. I really hope my baby is going to be ok.
Prenatal vitamins, appointment for an ultrasound…
I need my Mommy. Now.
Jack
"Ah…mom there?" Cassie asks tentatively on the phone.
"No, she's at the library studying," I say.
"Okay, when's she getting home?" she asks in a voice that sounds really strange, and has me worried.
"Honey, are you ok?" I ask.
"I just…you know what, have her call me when she gets home."
When did I stop being good enough for my daughter?
"Just tell me, are you ok?" I ask.
"Dad I'm…pregnant."
What?
"Dad?"
"Do you want to talk for a bit, or should I drive down to see you right now?"
"You don't have to do that," she says with a bit of a laugh. But it's a nervous laugh.
"Are you ok?" I ask.
"I'm freaking out a little."
"Whose the…I mean…" I stammer. God, what if she doesn't know. I really don't want to know if my daughter doesn't know who the father of her baby is.
"My husband," Cassie says.
"What?" I ask.
"You asked who the father was…my husband."
She had a shotgun wedding before she even told us. If she told us…we would have told her she didn't have to. We could have taken care of her.
"And your husband's name is?" I prompt.
"Dominic," she says like this should be old news to me.
"He's in Iraq, how did you get married?"
"We got married before he left."
Not a shotgun wedding. But why didn't she tell us? "You've been married for seven months?"
"Yeah."
"Why was it a secret?"
"I just thought…we wanted to do another wedding. When he was home safe, and we were a little older, done with school."
"Then why get married now?"
"I loved him, and I didn't want to…" she takes a deep breath, "If he died. I wanted to be his widow, not just a girlfriend."
Better reason than hormones.
"You should have told us Cassie."
"I know, Dad."
"So, this baby is the result of his leave a month back?"
"Yeah."
"What did Dominic say?"
"I didn't tell him yet. I just found out….I…"
"Needed your mom, sorry you have to put up with Dad."
"No, you're…helping," she mutters.
"Ok, honey, so what are your plans?"
"I don't know. The plans for kids were four years down the road when I was going to take a few years off after school to raise the kid. I always wanted to…spend a lot of time with the kid."
"You can do that while going to school, if you want to. But if you don't want to…I mean take a couple years off. Come back to live with us. Go back to school when you're ready. Raising kids is important business."
"Dad, you can't…" she starts to interrupt.
"You're our daughter Cass, and you can do what you want. But if you want to, stay in school. You're still a good mother. I mean Sam went back to work after Ser was born, and she's still a good mother right?"
"She's an amazing mother," Cassie says, "I just…can't do long term right now."
A worry rises up in my heart, and I know I shouldn't even mention it, but…. "Cassie, you've been sick?"
"You have no idea Dad. I think I've thrown-up stuff I ate back on Hanka."
"Good."
"Thanks dad."
"No…if you're sick, you're less likely to miscarry."
Silence. Maybe I offended her. Or maybe that doesn't sound bad to her. "I…geez this whole thing is scary."
"It's ok, honey, everything will be fine. I really want to give you a hug right now."
"I really want to get a hug, right now."
"You want me to drive down tomorrow?"
"No, I have a really busy day. Huge chemistry test…then I'm going to tell Dominic, and I'm sure that is going to take a while. But…I want to come home this weekend."
"Of course! If you didn't come here, I'd come to you. You know your mom has a whole bunch pregnancy books. Do you want to get them? I mean they'll probably freak you out even more, but…"
"No, I need to figure out what I'm doing."
"You know Cass…no one knows what they're doing. When Sam first got pregnant, she thought she was going to be a horrible mom. And she's amazing. And I know you will be too. I've seen you with your little sister. But also, you don't have to do this…not yet. If you want to wait until a planned baby. You know your mother and I…we want another baby, and…"
I hear a sob.
"Honey?"
"I can't…I love you more than I could ever tell you. But I can't…"
"No, honey, it wasn't like that…I would never take a baby that's wanted. But if you didn't want a baby…right now, it would be a way of keeping it safe. And you'd still see it. But honey we would never in a million years ask you to make a sacrifice for us. It was supposed to be an offer."
"Yeah, well, I won't object to some grandparent time."
"That's good, because I expect lot of grandparent time. Constant grandparent time."
She laughs.
"I should probably go…"
"Right, studying…Well, I love you so much. And congratulations….on the kid and the wedding. I know I'm a little late on the wedding."
"Not your fault, and I'm sorry…I was going to tell you before the real wedding. Now…I'll probably never have a 'real' wedding."
Sam
I got home later than I usually do, and I fully expected Jack to be asleep, but he's sitting on the couch.
"Huge news, huge, overdue news!" he exclaims.
"Everything ok?" I ask.
"Ah…I think so. I think it is good news."
"What?"
"Sit."
"Your daughter's married."
"What?"
"Cassie married Dominic, before he left."
"Like a year ago?"
"Seven months."
"Why didn't she tell us?"
"They were going to have a big public wedding later. Years later."
"So why did she tell you now?"
"She's pregnant."
"I'm going to be a grandma?" I ask in horror, "Jack, we're trying to have another kid, and I'm going to be a grandma!"
"Sam," he says with concern.
"No, I mean…I don't know why we're still trying to have a baby. It's been months, and I just…I should have realized it isn't going to happen. And…God, Cassie is having a kid…" How horrible of me to focus on myself when my daughter is having the huge life change.
"Yeah."
"Is she ok?"
"Yeah…fine."
"I mean emotionally. How does she feel about this?"
"She's…conflicted. Actually she reminds me a lot of the way you felt when you first got pregnant with Ser. Excited, and scared, and trying to learn everything about how to be a parent in just one day."
"I'll call her tomorrow," I say nervously, "Jack…maybe we should give up."
"On what?" he asks.
I touch my stomach. He looks away quickly, and I know…this waiting, trying, it's killing him just as much as it's killing me.
"You want to stop trying to have a baby."
"I don't want to go back on the pill. Just…not try. Stop keeping track of when I'm ovulating. Not hope and be disappointed. I mean we're going to be grandparents. This is sort of ridiculous."
"We're not that old Sam…but I get it. I agree with it."
I bite my lip.
"Grandma," he says.
"Give me a little time to adjust before you go throwing that one around Gramps."
"Ouch! Gramps is way worse that Grandpa!" he protests.
Cassie
Dominic calls me every Thursday, but as the hours ticked by I decided that the one time I really, really needed him to call was going to be the one time he DIDN'T.
Then the phone rings.
"Dominic?" I ask.
"Yeah, sorry I'm late. But I still get to talk just as long. You ok? You sounded kind of panicked."
"I'm not panicked," I say taking a deep breath.
"Ok, well what's going on?"
"I'm having a baby," I blurt.
"We are?" he asks sounding surprised, pleasantly surprised.
"Yeah…from your last leave. I just found out."
"And you're panicking. What can I do to help? First of all you're going to get that joint account you were so against after we first got married. I know you want to be independent. But your scholarships and loans are not going to pay for baby stuff. And you're going to have to get a different place. Babies are not allowed in the dorms, and…"
I feel like my head is going to explode, "Dominic!" I say more loudly than I meant to.
"Yeah?" he says softly on the other end of the phone.
"This is the problem. Ever since I've found out about the baby it's been lists of stuff I have to do. The nurse, my parents, you…I know I have to do all that stuff. But…I don't want to do them right now. You know?"
"You want to get excited about the fact that we're having a baby," he says.
"Yeah."
"Cassie, we're having a baby. You and me, all mixed together, and it's going to have tiny fingers, and little toes all curled up on its feet."
"And that new baby smell," I add remembering Ser when she first came home.
"Mmm…and it's going to giggle. Baby's giggles are pretty much the most amazing thing ever."
"And we'll hold it when we go to sleep, and it will give us that happy tired feeling."
"And we are going to love that baby to pieces."
"I already do, Dominic, I already do."
*In the show Sam's promotion to Lieutenant Colonel was somewhat unrealistic. She just didn't have the command experience. Here I have her in control of a bunch of scientists to make it more realistic. I know it's pretty anal to strive to be MORE accurate than the show but that's me.
**Sadly this nurse is based on a real health care professional I once endured. She was pretty convinced that every ailment you came in with was either caused by promiscuity or drug use. It was so insulting!