ANOR LONDO
"Right, so let's go ahead and split into two groups."
Now that everyone had gotten used to the notion of warping, Lex's return hadn't received much fanfare.
"We're actually not going to collect the Lord Souls immediately. Well, we're going to collect a Lord Soul, but it's not one of the ones you're thinking of. We would probably be better off collecting three of the others and then going to get this one, but it's more interesting to get this one first. Anyway, because of this, we need to split into two groups. The first group will escort Priscilla down to the Parish bonfire, while the second will head up to the Archives.
I'll go with the Archives group initially. Once I've achieved my objective there, I'll warp back to the Parish. There, I'll take Priscilla down to whatever we're calling New Izalith while you guys just hang out and keep Andre company. Once Priscilla's in good hands, I'll warp back, then I'll lead you down to a bonfire in the Basin. There, you'll be stuck waiting again until I get back from tearing open a hole in time."
The group looked amongst each other awkwardly.
Oscar was the first to speak: "This is probably the strangest thing you've said."
"Forgivest me for putting thy plans in disarray," Priscilla said quietly, "but I would travel first to the Ducal Archives if thou wouldst allow it. I wish to know what has become of my father, and… perhaps speak with him again before thou slayst him."
There was another awkward silence, and Siegmeyer and Jeremiah each put a hand on her shoulder. They shared an uncomfortable glance, each too nervous to be the first to remove his hand.
"Um, no, yeah, that's fine. The plan doesn't really change much. The second group can just hang out here, and then we'll warp to the Parish when I'm done in the Archives."
The Fire Keeper swore under her breath.
"So then, Archives group will be Hanser, Arnalt, Jeremiah, Siegmeyer, and Priscilla."
"Oho?" Siegmeyer said. "Is there some reason in particular why I should go to the Archives? The groups seem a little lopsided. Books aren't that dangerous, you know."
He laughed heartily, but Lex gave Jeremiah a knowing look.
"Well, I thought you'd enjoy it after the story about learning the giant language, but there actually is something for you in particular to do there. Fate is a bit unkind to you, so I'm trying to head it off."
"Oh my," the old knight murmured. "Well, I will trust in your judgment, my friend."
"All right, then," Lex said, nodding. "Let's go raid the Archives."
The Archives group rose and headed up the stairs. From the plaza, they turned left and headed into the large room jutting out of the wall. Opposite the open archway leading in was a statue of the Executioner flanked by giant sentinels guarding wooden chests. Lex stayed well out of their way as he exited through the archway on the right to a balcony overlooking the city. Leading away from the towers and arches, curving alongside the wall, was a long staircase dug into the cliffside.
A giant sentinel blocked the path here as well, but before anyone could ask about a battle plan, Priscilla's presence shattered the illusion. They climbed the stairs and then climbed a short distance up the hill at the end until they reached the entrance to a large building. A gleaming golden fog blocked the archway at the top of the decorative stairs.
"Oh. Right. I've made a mistake," Lex sighed. "I have to go talk to Fraaaaaampt. Be right back."
He turned and sprinted back to the bonfire. Before anyone could ask the awkward question of what he was doing back so soon, he focused on Firelink, and Anor Londo rushed away.
FIRELINK SHRINE
The Crestfallen Warrior had the most subdued reaction to his sudden appearance of anyone – he simply rubbed his eyes as if he were seeing things.
"So you're back. Well, we have a new problem. It's noisy, it snores, and its breath is lethal… This is no laughing matter, I tell you."
"I know! Have you seen it's fleshy mustache? It's terrifying!"
"It is, isn't it?" Wilhelm sighed. "I was really beginning to like it here… Maybe it's time I do something about it."
"Whoa there, hombre!" Lex said quickly. "As a prophet, those are the last words you say to the Chosen Undead. I don't know if Frampt kills you or just tricks you into a suicide mission, but hold your horses there. I'll see if I can do something about it."
"Heh. I should have known. Getting so worked up about something isn't like me."
"Nah, man. It wasn't a bad idea. It's just that the Primordial Serpents are kind of awful. Like I said, I'll see what I can do about Frampt, but if you really want, I could take you down to Izalith, where we're rebuilding stuff. Not that the smell of lava is much better."
"Oh, no. I'm quite content to remain here. It's just the smell…"
"Right. I'll get on that, then."
The cleric headed up the Shrine, waving to Laurentius as he entered the main sanctum of the chapel. The water that had pooled on the floor was gone – in fact, the floor had split in two and opened up to reveal a horrifying monstrosity like a jack-in-the-box from a horror film. A bulbous head rose on a bulging neck with diseased-looking red slitted eyes, a fat nose with two hanging lobes like a mustache, and a lipless mouth filled with flat teeth the size of a man's head.
It spoke clearly with a powerful, if nasal, voice: "Ahh, hello. Was it you who rang the Bell of Awakening? I am the Primordial Serpent, Kingseeker Frampt, close friend of the Great Lord Gwyn. Chosen Undead, who has rung the Bell of Awakening. I wish to elucidate your fate. Do you seek such enlightenment?"
"Sort of. It's more like I have specific questions for you."
"Very well. I will endeavor to clarify your purpose."
"Right, so, what's your angle here? I am the prophet of Slaanesh, and I have foreseen that should the Dark Lord rise, you'll be right there to greet him alongside Kaathe. And, like, no one ever sees the rest of you. Are you guys different heads on the same body? And there are at least ten of you guys total, so are you running this world-spanning con job or what?"
"I see that bird has made a mess of things."
The Serpent shook its head, shaking the mustache lobes nauseatingly.
"If it makes you feel any better, Gwyndolin decided to stick with the plan even after I told him the Prophecy was a fake."
"Thank the heavens for small blessings. You are correct in part. My brothers prepare for the coming Dark, but I find Fire more pleasing to my tastes. We are joined in a communion of sorts, but we were birthed apart. Can I presume you know what it means to succeed Lord Gwyn?"
"Yeah. Light myself on fire and spend the next thousand years in agony while slowly burning up."
"Knowing this, you sought myself instead of Kaathe? Your conviction is commendable."
The cleric shrugged.
"Not too keen on dying, but I prefer the Flame as well. Of course, I have no intention of leaving things as halfassed as Gwyn did. 'I carried my own ashes to the mountains; I invented a brighter flame for myself,' you know? Before I light myself on fire, I want to light a fire under everyone else. Ambition is the name of the Flame."
"I don't recognize the phrase, but I follow your intent. If you believe spreading the truth of the matter is best, then I will not stop you. But be wary, for those gods that remain will not look kindly on such actions."
"Well, Velka's feathers are already pretty ruffled."
The Serpent snorted, which sounded terrifying given the size of its nose.
"Now," it continued, "do my senses betray me? Have you already retrieved the Lordvessel?"
"Right here," Lex said, patting his bag. "Don't ask me how it works."
"Magnificent! Now, let us take that vessel on a journey. I assume that you are ready. Now, be still!"
"Oh gods!"
The horrifying smell of rotting meat, shattered stone, and ground steel grew worse as the Serpent rose up and opened its mouth wide. It lunged down and scooped the cleric into its mouth. Silently, it slipped back into the darkness below the chapel.
FIRELINK ALTAR
Lex rolled as he was spat out onto the broken stone floor. He was in a decaying ruin, and the roots of massive trees grew up from the darkness below to cover everything. Directly ahead was a short staircase leading to a hollow stump surrounded by ash. Behind the stump were massive stone double doors inscribed with an ancient language.
"This is the Firelink Chamber, for the successor of Lord Gwyn. Now, place the Lordvessel on the altar."
The cleric nodded and approached the stump, reaching into his bag to remove the man-sized stone bowl. He grunted from the weight but placed it carefully in the center of the stump. He stepped back as it lit up, a warm, yellow-white energy floating upward. Abruptly, thunder cracked, and a golden beam shot straight up, pouring over the sides of the bowl as it rose. After a few moments, the energy subsided, and a small flame was all that was left in the bottom of the bowl.
Lex turned around and walked back to the Serpent, which was dangling from the darkened ceiling. The mustache had flopped down disgustingly. Frampt nodded as he approached.
"Very well. I will trust you are already aware of the task that lies before you."
"Yeah, quick question, though. Well, two. Does this look like Izalith or does Izalith look like this?"
"Of the Lords, the Witch of Izalith paid special reverence to the First Flame. She constructed this temple to protect and honor the Flame and rebuilt her home in homage."
"Cool. Now, what about that stuff behind you?"
"What is behind me?"
Lex looked at him expectantly.
"Those flame bowl things that aren't lit and the other Lordvessel above them."
The Serpent craned its neck all the way back instead of simply turning around.
"So there are. Would you believe me if I told you I was unaware of their purpose?"
"Dunno. Maybe? You're not great at inspiring confidence, what with the surprise martyrdom thing."
"Fair enough. If that is all, then we shall return. Stay still for a moment!"
The cleric sighed.
"I wonder if Sen could invent breathmints."
With that, he was swallowed once more.
FIRELINK SHRINE
Frampt spit him out at the entrance to the chapel. He shivered at the sensation.
"Well, with that out of the way," he said, sighing, "I'm gone. I'll be back when I kill Seath, maybe. I might just be lazy and only show up when I have all four."
"As it pleases you, Chosen Undead."
Lex waved as he headed back to the bonfire.
"It's gotten worse!" Wilhelm whined.
"No, that's just me. I got swallowed. My best advice for now is to move out of the wind. Not that there's wind. Maybe play tic-tac-toe with Anastacia until I see if Izalith has mint candies. Or toothpaste. Anyway, don't go near Frampt or downstairs to New Londo. Later, man."
He extended a hand to the fire and warped back to Anor Londo, the flame cleansing the smell from his armor in transit.
ANOR LONDO
He again sprinted up the stairs before any of the second group could ask questions. When he reached the entrance to the Archives, he found that while the barrier had gone, so had the group. Nearly vomiting from the exertion, he ran down one tunnel after the other, finding the fang boars missing as well. At last, he rushed into the atrium, where he found the group mulling about.
THE DUKE'S ARCHIVES
Hanser and Siegmeyer were reading books on the few podiums standing about. Arnalt was at the bonfire, sharpening his pike with a smithbox. Jeremiah and Priscilla were talking quietly off to the side.
"Okay, great! I was kind of worried you'd get to the crazy stuff before I had a chance to warn you."
The group turned and gathered at the center of the room.
"There wast no need to fear," Jeremiah said. "I warned the others that thou almost certainly hadst specific instructions for us before we ventured too deep."
"Yes. My god, yes. The Archives are designed terribly. You can't write for an open world like you do for adventure paths. Heck, you shouldn't write adventure paths like this either, unless it's for a con game. Railroading is so lazy."
The others stared at him blankly, so he continued.
"Right, so, Jeremiah and Hanser, you'll want to put your headgear back on if you still have them somewhere. Everyone else, you'll probably want to make masks from the clothes of whatever you kill in here. For now, let's go ahead and head up."
He climbed the stairs at the center of the room and walked onto the railed platform at the top. Once everyone had gotten on, he pulled the lever in the middle. A rail slid to close the path behind them, and the whole platform began to rise on a track against the wall. At the top, an archway opened before them. In the distance, a pair of small, blue humanoids rushed toward them while a third drew a bow.
"Duck and wait," Lex said calmly, pointing to the small regions of wall on either side of the arch.
When they drew close, the creatures were revealed to be hollows hunched over under the weight of strange crystal growths. The men readied their weapons, but Priscilla hooked her scythe around the corner and lopped their heads off before they were within reach.
"Careful, they hit like a ton of bricks," Lex said quietly. "Pretty resistant to physical damage as well. Jere- uh, Dad, did you get a flame weapon while we were in the Ruins?"
The pyromancer nodded, unslinging a faintly glowing falchion from under his cape.
"Cool. No, wait, hot. Let's slide on a bit further."
He led them out from the arch and quickly to the right wall. Priscilla leapt ahead to kill the crystal hollow directly ahead.
"All right, I'll lure out the next group. Everyone get ready to charge in and save me. Watch out for the Channeler and don't get too close to the crystal golem."
He ran up the stairs, past the crystallized hollow archer and into the massive library beyond. He immediately leaned backward and sprinted back out while soul and physical arrows flew past him. Three sword-bearing crystal hollows ran out after him, and the archer in the doorway drew another arrow. Before any of the others could do anything, Priscilla lunged ahead, crushing the archer underfoot and hacking the swordsmen in twain. She glared at the Channeler.
It bowed its head slightly, then clutched its trident. Soul energy flared about it, and it swiftly faded away, warping to another part of the Archives.
"Well, that was simple," Lex said, sighing. "Next would be-"
Priscilla skipped backward and shattered the golem with the talon on the butt of her scythe.
"All righty, then."
The cleric walked over to the remains of the golem and bent down. After sifting through the shards, he quickly found a bit of craggy stone with a dried vine tied about it.
"Aaaand I'm done here. Prophetic warning time."
They walked away from the archway, where arrows could still hit them and gathered around Lex.
"So obviously, if there's a Channeler around, be careful, because he might power up the crystal dudes. Next, if you find a treasure chest, stand behind it and give it a love tap first, because it might be a mimic and eat you if you try to open it. Most importantly, Seath is completely and utterly immortal. If you encounter him in the Archives – and you almost certainly will – you need to focus on dying quickly so that you don't get cursed by his breath. Obviously, this is counter-intuitive, and the encounter designer is a smug jerk.
Now, at least one of you will probably have to die. I don't know why, but after you do, the secret passage to the second room will be opened for some reason. You will also respawn at some nonsense bonfire in the dungeon instead of the one you should. Seriously, I hope the encounter designer got fired for this crap. Him and the Bed of Chaos guy.
Anyway, it may actually be possible to cheat your way past this. The passage is to the right of the elevator, behind a bookshelf. Try to get it open before you suicide, but it might not be possible. In the case that you aren't imprisoned, you still need to go to the dungeon and free the absent-minded sorcerer at the bottom. Jerem- Dad, remember what I said about the golem in the courtyard."
Jeremiah nodded solemnly.
"Right, so in that case, I'm off to create a stable time loop because Lordran is full of nonsense."
He gave a curt wave and walked back to the elevator, leaving the group confused and without a guide.