Reflecting on her past week at the convent, Lexa searched her wide vocabulary for an adjective that would sum it up, before opting for "uneventful". It was the best thing she could have asked for. For the first time in years, she had spent an entire week not thinking of anything but her faith and her future. She was coming home a changed woman.
Over the past week, she had grown accustomed to listing all the blessings she was thankful for: her grandmother, her faith, her intelligence, her health, her cat, her supportive teachers and principal, her trusty old bike. Now that the retreat was over, it was time to add a handful of meaningful encounters and wise words to her list. The Mother Superior for one, was a figure Lexa wasn't likely to forget. When the panicked girl knocked at the nun's bedroom door at dawn that Sunday, demanding to be sent back home immediately, the religious woman didn't so much as bat an eye. She serenely guided the lost soul to a chapel ensconced inside a millennial grotto, a ten-minute walk away from the convent, where they joined hands and prayed silent, internal prayers, until it was clear to Lexa what she had to do. She shall remain quiet, and dive deep into herself to purify her being from all dirty thoughts and feelings that had been festering there for years. It was time for a purge; Lexa was ready. She didn't feel scared or hesitant. As a matter of fact, she was devoid of any feeling, but that of certainty: she simply knew this was what she was meant to do. But the day hadn't been without its difficulties; its temptations. During morning mass, she had a moment of weakness during which she felt that terrifying electrical current that had run through her the night before; but only for a moment, after the church door had been flung open and some fuss could be heard. Still, she forced herself to look ahead, ignoring whatever was transpiring behind her, and soon enough the sensation was gone. Then in the afternoon, on her way to the chapel for a sunset prayer, she felt it again, along with a pair of eyes boring into her, threatening to awaken emotions that weren't buried deep enough yet. But armed with her faith and her legendary stubbornness, she managed to break the spell and all but run away from the menacing presence. The rest of the week had been much easier to go through. She spent it reading holy texts, writing her grandmother and planning the coming weeks, and the impending start of med school. For any other silly life plans made under a malicious influence were long forgotten.
And now, on her way back home, Lexa was satisfied with the week's events—or lack thereof. She was confident she was prepared for whatever came next; sure she could face it with her newfound neutrality; the regained composure and placidity she had so dearly missed. She felt like her good old self again; only better, because now, she was content to be herself, no longer pining for more. No longer pining for anyone.
Her only worry was whether her cat would be there to greet her. She had left the little thing a whole week, all alone, with a woman who despised her. Allowing herself to feel empathy for the non human creature, she tried imagining how hard it must have been for the cat to be all alone in an unfriendly territory, facing a new and terrifying experience without any support. The thought made her heart ache, and she cried warm tears for her beloved friend, whom she felt she had failed. But half an hour later, she had her wrapped in her arms, purring and licking her face, and all was right with the world again.
Luckily for Lexa, Gertrude didn't open any touchy subjects or make any statements. True to her minimalist self, her grandmother only asked her what she wanted for dinner, before leaving her to play with her feline companion.
Over dinner, the situation remained as quiet and controlled. However, the older woman looked like she was struggling with something, and Lexa knew what it was. Her past was bound to catch up with her sooner or later. She would rather be done with it, so she could tie up loose ends and move on for good. So she encouraged her grandmother to open up, praying the conversation would be brief and light.
"Grandmother. You have something to ask me about the retreat. Please do so; for I only intend to address the matter this one time. Then I want your word that we will not be bringing up the subject again."
"Lexa dear, you know my feelings about the 'matter', so you don't need to ask me twice not to discuss it from now on. But Abby has been calling, and there was an incident yesterday involving the Reyes girl…"
"I have no desire to know anything relating to Raven—or anyone else. Ask me the question that is on your mind."
"What happened at the convent? What did Clarke do? Did she hurt you in any way? I knew that girl was up to no good. If she inflicted any harm upon you, I can get a restraining order; I have done it before and I can do it again."
"Grandmother. There is no need to get carried away. Nothing happened. I simply had an epiphany. That friendship was toxic and I decided I no longer want it."
"I'll drink to that!"
Gertrude emptied her glass of red wine in one long sip, while Lexa tried to get her breathing under control. The mention of her name drove her body and her mind into chaos. She didn't even want to think about what would happen to her when she eventually saw her at school. There were still a few weeks of classes left. Since she had already been accepted in premed at a prestigious college a couple of hours away from her town, she thought maybe she didn't need to attend school anymore, until graduation. But her rule abiding, study loving, orderly side won out; she would have to face her demons, in the shape of a larger than life blonde whom Lexa had been working hard to forget. But despite her best efforts, she apparently hadn't been successful in eradicating the memories that were now flooding her mind, after the mere mention of her name. She wouldn't give in though. She knew she would be tested; she also knew she had her faith, now stronger than ever, to get through hardship. So Lexa chose to look past all of her souvenirs and the corresponding feelings, and vowed to focus all her energy on one purpose: to make Clarke a thing of the past.