Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did I would change my name to Momoney Danyuu. Until you see that name somewhere I don't own either and I probably never will.

Chapter 36: Alchemist in the Mist

'This is bullshit!' Naruto dodged his assailant's attack with his water whip once more. Naruto formed his favorite hand-sign and spawned a gaggle of Kage Bunshin that circled him and tried to get in close.

The bandana wearing Kiri nin just laughed as he proceeded to slay Naruto's bunshin, "One jutsu isn't going to be enough kid! Look out behind you now!"

Naruto turned to get a kick in the face from the bald ninja that sent him flying into a tree, "Haha! He isn't so tough Gedo! If you lure him out he's nothing special at all!"

Naruto spit blood on the ground as he rose to a kneel, "It was a four-on-one fight before wasn't it? And it's still two-on-one. But I've got a plan"

Naruto clapped and placed his hands on the ground as a wall rose in front of him. The bald Kiri nin flew through hand signs, "Oh no you don't you brat! Suiton: Teppodama no Jutsu (Water Release: Liquid Bullet Jutsu)!" As the bullet crumbled the wall Naruto was nowhere in sight.

Gedo scanned the area as did his bald partner, "Mappi, keep your eyes open. He killed two of us already by fighting like this."

The bald man, now known as Mappi grinned smugly back up at Gedo, "It doesn't matter, the second he shows himself he's dead, he can't take us head-to-head and he knows it."

CLAP

Hands rose from the ground, grasping Mappi around his body and holding him tightly. Mappi yelled out in surprise, "Ahh Gedo, get me out! Get me out now!"

Gedo cursed under his breath, "Damn it Mappi, I'm coming!" As Gedo reformed his water whip he found himself flying through the air, crashing into a tree before slumping dead, his neck at an unnatural angle.

Mappi's eyes widened as he watched his partner die in front of him. As another clap rang out a hole in the ground in front of him opened up as Naruto climbed out, "That was a stupid idea… There was no air down there."

Mappi shivered under the gaze of the blonde boy until Naruto looked over where Gedo's corpse lay, "Who did that? It damn sure wasn't me."

"Hey Naruto!"

The orange haired boy from earlier walked up carrying a massive hammer, "Sorry, I didn't want to leave you like that but I'm useless without my sword. I was just out for reconnaissance, I wasn't expecting a fight."

Naruto looked confused, "Sword? Um, that's a hammer."

The boy grinned as the massive hammer transformed into its basic sword form, "I can turn my sword into any handled weapon I want. Cool huh?"

Naruto grinned right back at him, "Hell yeah it is."

Naruto turned back to the captured Mappi, "So what do you want to do with him?"

The boy looked around in the trees, "Ao-san you can come out now!"

A man with brown hair and one eye covered with an eye-patch came from the trees and appeared next to the two boys, "How do you go about leaving your weapon at base Chojiro? In my day if you called yourself a shinobi you wouldn't make rookie mistakes like that."

Chojiro rubbed the back of his head apologetically, "I'm sorry Ao-san. My mistake, I got my squad killed because of my own negligence."

The two turned to look at Naruto who was still staring at Mappi, "So what do I do with this guy? Seriously."

Ao spared Mappi a cold glance, "He killed our comrades one by one and only left Chojiro, put him out of my misery."

Naruto nodded and clapped as he placed his hands on the ground, drawing the hands holding Mappi back into the ground, "NO! NO WAIT PLEASE! ST-…"

Naruto dusted his hands off and turned back to Ao and Chojiro, "So, Chojiro was it? Glad you're all right, I've got to go get the hell out of this country, this place is crazy."

Chojiro ran up to Naruto, "But Naruto! You saved my life, you can come back with us to camp, our leader would certainly reward you for your help today."

Naruto waved him off, "Yeah maybe, but the longer I stay I think the harder it will be to actually leave."

Ao looked at Naruto, "Where will you go boy? Do you have somewhere you need to be?"

Naruto shook his head, "I'm kind of wandering for six months, I go where I want."

Ao and Chojiro grabbed Naruto by his arms and began walking, "H-Hey, what are you guys doing?"

Ao grinned at Naruto, "Well since you aren't in a rush to be anywhere you can come and get yourself a reward now can't you?"

Naruto struggled for a moment before sighing and accepting his fate, "Fine, but if you guys are going to try and kill me I'm going to flip the fuck out and burn your camp to the ground! Don't fuck with me."

Chojiro chuckled, "I wouldn't dream of it Naruto."

XxX

The trio walked up to the wall of a mountain. Ao made a secret sequence of hand-signs, "Kai!" A part of the wall faded away revealing a slit big enough for a few people to fit through. Naruto blinked before following Ao and Chojiro through the hole

Eventually they came across an encampment of tents and makeshift buildings. Naruto looked around and spoke up, "So I'm guessing this is your base."

Naruto noticed the amount of women and children in the base. While there was a good amount of ninja to fight it was clear that they had brought their families along for either safety or out of fear of reprisal from the Mizukage.

Ao nodded, "Naruto you are looking at the main base for Kiri's rebel forces.

Naruto followed his two escorts into the base. As they walked Naruto felt curious, "I know someone that got away from Kiri's bloodline purges way back in the day. Just how long has this been going on for?"

Ao sighed as he looked at the state of the camp along with Naruto, "If you could believe it, this has been going on for eight years kid."

Naruto's eyes widened, "Eight years? Seriously?"

Chojiro nodded, "They were fighting this war way before I ever even became a ninja."

Naruto found himself confused, "Wait, Kirigakure's finances must be shot straight to hell then. Because they're on an island nation fighting a civil war."

Ao nodded, "You've got it kid. This irrational hatred of kekkei genkai has debted Kiri down quite a bit I would imagine. All of that means no missions for years, which means no income. If we win the war, we'll have a lot of rebuilding to do."

Ao noticed Naruto's gaze on a young family in front of a tent, mother watching as her sons wrestled on the ground, "A lot of the kids here were born into this… Their fathers were or still are rebel soldiers and their families have nowhere to go. Others are families with bloodlines and they came to fight to protect their families."

Naruto clinched his fists, 'This is terrible, but it isn't my problem. I need to get my reward and high-tail it the hell out of Mizu no Kuni.'

They brought Naruto to a hollowed out wall in the cave. As they went inside it appeared to be pretty well-furbished. Ao leaned over to Naruto, "Naruto, just so you know, our leader is kind of… different."

Naruto raised an eyebrow, "Different? Different how? That was vague." Naruto turned to Chojiro, "So what is this person like Chojiro?"

Chojiro took on a longing look, "The leader is wonderful Naruto, such a great person." Naruto deadpanned a look, 'Okay these guys are useless…'

Ao took Naruto to a pair of heavy doors guarded by two men. The men nodded allowing them entrance. Ao opened the door, "Mei-sama, I'm here with Chojiro and a tag-along we picked up."

As they entered the room Naruto took notice of a beautiful woman with long reddish-brown hair with part of it tied up, she had one bang covering one of her green eyes. She had on a blue dress cut low on her shoulders, it was clear to the blonde boy that she had very generous assets. The woman smiled at their entrance as she looked over Naruto, "Now Ao, who is this young man you've brought to me?"

Naruto answered the question eloquently, "Uhbluh."

Ao stepped forward, "Mei-sama this is Naruto, he came across Chojiro in the forest after his squad was wiped out by the extermination squads and fought them off for him until he could get me from the entrance of our hideout and return."

Mei smiled at Naruto, "You helped my Chojiro out did you Naruto-kun?"

Naruto answered emphatically, "Uhkshah."

Mei laughed slightly and looked at Chojiro who was looking at the ground, "Chojiro-kun, you made a mistake. Many leaders make mistakes. In this life you have to be in situations that end up with people dead. All you can do is learn from it and be ready next time to handle your responsibilities okay?"

Chojiro smiled gratefully and kept his gaze low as he nodded. Naruto looked at Chojiro and nodded smiling approvingly, 'Chojiro was right, she is a good person.'

Ao scoffed, "Chojiro you need some backbone boy. Why in my day a shinobi was ready for anything. You need to train as if you were a real man, only then can you know how to dodge ambushes like that."

Mei's eyes widened, 'Need… a… man?' Ao kept ranting to the orange haired swordsman until Mei smiled at him just a little too sweetly as Naruto felt quite a significant amount of KI, "Ao, shut up or I'll kill you."

Ao's jaw dropped, 'What the hell did I do?'

Naruto sweat-dropped, 'Okay… That wasn't random at all.'

Mei turned her attention back to Naruto, "Now for our hero here. Can I get the full name of the boy I am indebted to?"

Naruto snapped out of his thoughts and grinned cockily, "Oh yeah of course. I'm Naruto Uzumaki, the Fullmetal Alchemist, nice to meet you." He finished with a showy bow.

Mei's eyes widened, "Your name precedes you Naruto-kun, I've heard of you. Iwa has you listed as a kill on sight threat in the bingo book."

Naruto scratched the back of his head, "Wow, last time it was just a listing of caution. Who did I piss off in Iwa?"

Mei laughed slightly at that, 'An Uzumaki? They still exist? I thought the Sandaime Mizukage wiped them all out.'

Mei rested her chin in her hands, "Well what can I do for you dear? I am in your debt, Chojiro is very important to the war effort."

Naruto waved it off, "It's okay I actually should be going before I end up running into anymore of the Mizukage's ninja. Even though I'm on leave from Konoha I'm still representing Konoha and I might get them into some deep trouble if I'm caught here."

Chojiro came up to Naruto, "You could at least stay the night before you leave, it's late in the day and you wouldn't make it to any towns with an inn or hotel anytime soon."

Naruto looked at the group sheepishly, "Actually, I kind of need an escort anyway, because I got lost in the mist when I found Chojiro and I really don't feel like wandering aimlessly through the forest for three more days."

Mei giggled at Naruto, "So I guess that means you will be staying for the night then?"

Naruto nodded, "Yes if I could. It's either that or stumble through the woods again."

Mei clapped her hands together, "Wonderful! Now Ao, Chojiro, I need to talk to Naruto-kun here. There's something I need to tell him." Naruto lifted his eyebrow in interest as Mei stood and walked to a couch across the room. Mei patted the seat next to her upon sitting down, "Come and sit with me for a moment Naruto-kun."

Naruto shrugged to himself and walked over to join her on the couch. Mei just looked at Naruto, taking in his appearance for a moment. Before Naruto finally opened his mouth to speak Mei started herself, "Fullmetal Alchemist is a very distinct name Naruto-kun. What may I ask is so 'fullmetal' about you?"

Naruto grinned and pulled his right arm from within his cloak, tapping it a few times for effect. Mei's eyes took on an appearance of surprise, "May I?" She asked, motioning to his arm.

Naruto nodded as she took it into her grasp to examine it, "What workmanship… How, or should I say, why would a child as young as yourself need something like this? This is the kind of thing that injured war veterans end up getting."

Naruto chuckled mirthlessly, "Because life is hard Mei-sama, and Kami doesn't fight fair. Bad things happen to young and undeserving people all the time, you should know this better than most due to your current situation. You're fighting against people that would harm innocents just because of how they were born, because of what they possess."

"You have a kekkei genkai?" Mei looked shocked, "But I thought Konoha adored those with bloodline limits. Why do they despise you?"

Naruto scratched his head, "It's not necessarily a kekkei genkai per se, it is something that makes me different. To Konoha it's the wrong kind of different."

Mei nodded as they sat in silence for a moment. She looked over at Naruto, "Naruto-kun do you know how all of this mess got started? How Kiri began with its bloodline purges?"

Naruto shook his head, "No, I didn't know if my friend knew or not and it seemed like it was a pretty personal thing to her so I never bothered to ask if she knew."

Mei leaned back into the couch, "It is a long story Naruto-kun, so you want to hear it?" Naruto nodded, "Yeah I'd like to if you'd be willing to tell me."

Mei smiled, "Okay this goes back to the days of the Sandaime Mizukage. In every major war Kiri had ever been a part of they had been known as the nation with the most kekkei genkai, Konoha had the most well known ones, but Kiri had the most." Naruto nodded, "So why the big shift around in opinion on them?"

Mei frowned, "Well the thing is, in every Great Ninja War Kiri had participated in, we for the most had gotten smashed… thoroughly." Naruto sharply inhaled, "That is rough…"

Mei giggled, "Yes well, after the Third Great Ninja War 16 years ago the Yondaime Mizukage, Yagura, took up power. At first things were okay, Kiri rebuilt, began replenishing its forces and recovered. But about three years into his reign he changed. Yagura became paranoid, he became obsessed with making Kiri a model nation for all shinobi to look onto. The first thing he did was initiate Kiri's graduation program. Things were made far harsher for children attempting to graduate and join the ranks, he wanted the best, in exchange for entire generations of students."

Mei took a breath, "The graduation ceremony included one-on-one fights to the death between students."

Naruto nodded and continued for her, "Right up until Zabuza Momochi came through right?"

Mei looked taken aback at Naruto's knowledge on this, "Yes, but how did you-?"

Naruto chuckled, "On my first C-ranked mission I ended up fighting Zabuza. He tried telling me the story of how he killed the entire class to psyche me out and kill me and my team off. You can obviously see how well that worked for him."

Mei nodded, "Well that ended that little attempt from Yagura to reform our forces, but then he moved on to something else. He started using the bloodline users as scapegoats for Kiri's problems and he began ostracizing them from the rest of the populace. Eventually he called for the eradication of our bloodline users."

Naruto growled, "Why didn't anyone ever call this guy out on this stuff? He sounds insane." Mei shook her head, "Before these things started Yagura was a good man, he was a caring, strong person. But like I said something changed when he took his position as Mizukage. There were many assassination attempts, from many people. Zabuza tried as well, but they all failed because the Mizukage has something in him that just blows anything I've ever seen right out of the water, the power he commands is frightening Naruto-kun, it isn't human."

Naruto narrowed his eyes, "What do you mean isn't human?"

Mei looked at Naruto dead in the eye, "Naruto-kun, Yagura is the Jinchuuriki for the Sanbi, the Three-Tailed Turtle. He holds the power of a demon sealed within him."

Naruto's eyes bugged out as he looked at Mei like a deer caught in the headlights, 'He's got a demon sealed in him too? He's like me? He's different too… and he's killing people just because they're different?'

Naruto gritted his teeth, "Okay Mei. I understand… But I have one thing you said that I don't get."

Mei blinked, "Go ahead and ask Naruto-kun."

"You said the story starts with the Sandaime Mizukage, how? Just because he lead during the last war?"

Mei took a deep breath, 'Okay, here we go. If this doesn't work then he won't ever join us.' "Well the Sandaime Mizukage kind of set a precursor to Kiri's bloodline genocide. Right before the close of the last war there was a country not too far from Kiri, an island nation. Uzu no Kuni, the Land of Whirlpools. This country had their own ninja force. Kiri wanted to integrate Uzu no Kuni into Mizu no Kuni, but when the people in charge of Uzu no Kuni declined the Sandaime took it upon himself to rid the area of the headstrong country."

Naruto looked disgusted, "So he just called for the annihilation of an entire country because they wanted to be free?"

Mei nodded, "Yes Naruto-kun, however Uzu's shinobi forces did not make the task too easy for him. They fought back every step of the way, inflicting massive losses on our ninja, were it not for Kiri's superior numbers there was no logical way they would have won. One clan of ninja in particular were especially despised and feared by Kiri."

Mei put a hand on Naruto's head and ruffled his hair, "These ninja carried blades into battle and were fully capable of matching, if not overcoming, some of Kirigakure's Seven Swordsmen. They had flaming red hair and charged into battle, fighting like berzerkers. They were never recorded to have ever retreated, if they were taken down it was done facing the hordes of Kiri nin in front of them."

Mei nodded thoughtfully, "The Uzumaki clan were truly a fierce lot."

Naruto double-taked at the end of her statement, "Uzumaki? My name is-."

Mei cut him off, "Yes, Uzumaki. You may just be the child of a survivor of the destruction of Uzu no Kuni. Maybe the only one of their line left."

Mei continued her story, "Eventually Kiri breached the walls of Uzu no Kuni's hidden village, Uzugakure, and proceeded to eradicate any trace of the village, the country, any part of it that could be retold. Only worded accounts from those that were there and survived have provided any information on it. It was wiped from existence Naruto-kun, now it's just an island."

Naruto shook, 'I actually have a background. I wanted information on my family for so long I gave up ever finding out about them. I finally find a trace of my history and it's gone! Damn it what do I have to do to catch a break around here?'

Naruto chuckled, his chuckling soon turned into unmitigated laughter as Mei looked on in concern, "Naruto-kun, are you okay?"

Naruto stopped laughing to look at her, "Me? I'm just fine. I finally find something about my family only to find that they were all wiped from the face of the continent three years before I even existed, so I'm really no closer to finding out about my parents than I was ten years ago. I'm fucking great." He looked down at the floor.

Mei looked at him sadly, "Naruto-kun I do know the way to get to Uzu no Kuni."

Naruto's head turned towards her so fast she thought he had hurt his neck, "You what now? Can you tell me how to get there? Please, I'm travelling anyway I would love to go see it!"

Mei shook her head, "The waters surrounding Uzu no Kuni are quite treacherous Naruto-kun. The entire island is surrounded by whirlpools that would rend any ship to tatters before you ever got sight of land. I would take you myself, but I'm committed to fighting this war here to depose the Mizukage."

Naruto looked down, "I see. Well at least I know something now. I wasn't some no name orphan, I come from a clan of powerful ninja. That's better than just wondering I guess."

Mei rubbed the boy's shoulder, "Ask one of the men where the barracks are. There should be a place for you to spend the night. Come and see me tomorrow before you leave, I'd like to thank you for your help again before you go."

Naruto nodded as he rose to leave the room. As he reached the door he looked back, "I want to thank you Mei-sama for telling me all of that. I learned more about my family from you in fifteen minutes than I did from my entire village in thirteen years."

Mei smiled at the boy, "You don't have to call me –sama Naruto-kun, I hold no sway over you. And I'm glad I was able to help you out, even a little bit."

Naruto returned her smile and left, shutting the door behind him. Mei sighed and held her forehead as she looked up at the ceiling, "I hate having to play the boy like that, but he's too good to just let go. Part of me hopes he will just leave… this really isn't his fight."

XxX

Naruto had left the carved out cave to set along the trees and the mist at night. Naruto found a quiet spot and took up a meditative pose to go inside his head.

XxX

As Naruto opened his eyes he found himself on a grassy moonlit hillside. Naruto sighed as he just lay down in the grass and waited. Naruto finally heard the rustle of someone walking along the grass as a smile appeared on his face, "Hello Kyuubi-chan, how are you tonight?"

Kyuubi walked up with a frown on her face as she sat down and placed Naruto's head in her lap before she began to stroke his hair, "I'm fine Naruto-kun, but that isn't important right now, how are you feeling?"

Naruto sighed as a feeling of contentment went through him as the female kitsune comforted him, "I don't know… Part of me feels great. I had a family. They were totally awesome! …But another part of me wishes I never knew at all. They don't even exist anymore, they were all killed off except for my parents, and now they're dead too, dead or they just dropped me at birth and ran for it after you were sealed in me."

Kyuubi's ears lowered as she looked away, "I-I'm sorry Naruto-kun…"

Naruto grabbed her hands and held them, "Meh it's okay, the past is the past and we've already established that you aren't truly at fault here. Shit happens I guess, no use bitching about it now, I've got things to do and no time to look back and complain."

Kyuubi smiled at him as she pinched his cheeks, "That is a very introspective way of looking at things Naruto-kun. You're getting very mature you know?"

Naruto sweat-dropped as he scratched the side of his head, "I don't know about all of that, I think the bombshell about the Uzumaki clan cleared my head of all of my mental shortcomings for the time being. You'll see, I'll be back to my smart-ass, headstrong, troublemaking ways in no time, just you wait."

Kyuubi laughed and continued to stroke the blonde hair of her container, "So where will you go now? What's the plan after we get out of Mizu no Kuni Naruto-kun?"

Naruto sighed, "I don't know… My first thought was to go to Oto and raise some hell there, but then again I'm not really feeling too suicidal right now so that plan is out. I'm a damn handsome young man if I do say so myself, and Orochimaru is not getting his pasty pedophile hands on the Fullmetal Alchemist… hell no, if it ever comes to that I am ripping this goddamn seal off and taking them all down with me."

Kyuubi huffed, "Don't joke about you dying like that Naruto-kun! You will live for a long time, a very long time. We have all the time in the world to figure a way to get me out and keep you alive so don't even think about doing anything like that."

Naruto put his hands up in an apologetic fashion, "Hey, hey… I was trying to lighten the mood around here. I won't do that, and Orochimaru and his butt-buddy Kabuto aren't man enough to pin me down and catch me so don't even worry."

Naruto got a devilish smirk on his face, "If Iwagakure wants to put a hit out on me then I guess I'll just have to go there and give those bastards a reason to put one on me right?" Kyuubi gave Naruto a dry look, "What? Ero-sennin said I could go anywhere and do anything, Iwa is somewhere and I've got some pretty nasty prank ideas I didn't feel like letting loose in Konoha that would be just perfect for this."

Kyuubi's look turned into a smirk, "You are some kind of idiot you know that?"

Naruto chuckled, "Yes, yes I am, but I'm your idiot, and you're stuck with me until I kick the bucket or get you out of here."

Kyuubi shifted so that she could lay down and look up at the fabricated sky next to Naruto. Naruto looked over at the demoness, "So when are you gonna teach me anything cool with your powers. That cloak is awesome, but it comes with me using your chakra, I want some badass tricks to bolster my mad skills."

Kyuubi looked at Naruto curiously, "I guess when we get out into the wilderness I can teach you a few techniques you can handle." Kyuubi turned her head towards Naruto with an amused look, "You can handle them… right?"

Naruto laughed, "Who do you think you're talking to here? I can do any damn thing I please, who can stop me?"

Naruto looked back up at the moon of his mind, "I still want to know about my family though… Am I really the only one left? Is there anything that can tell me more? I still want to see Uzugakure for myself."

Kyuubi yawned and shut her eyes, "Well then you just need to get that Mei lady to take you there. She's the only person you know of that has any kind of knowledge on it, and do you really feel like traipsing about Mizu no Kuni for Kami knows how long looking for anyone else that can help?"

Naruto smirked, "That's my Kyuubi-chan. Straight to the heart of the issue huh?"

Kyuubi put up a 'v' sign with her fingers. "You know it Naru-kun!"

Naruto continued to lay with her for hours, just looking up at the sky, "I'm way too young to be dealing with this kind of shit. Honestly who else has to mess with stuff like this on a regular basis? I'm sending out a survey, 'Teenage kids that deal with shit way over their heads.' I want responses damn it."

XxX

Mei Terumi sat in her office with Chojiro and Ao to discuss the current situation. As she perused over the records of the conflicts between the rebels and Mizukage's forces she sighed, "We're going to have to take a chance and find a way to take out the dragon at its head."

Ao sputtered, "Y-you mean just go straight for Yagura himself? That's suicide Mei-sama! Zabuza was the last person to try something like that and you see how that worked out?"

Mei smirked, "You forget Ao, Zabuza was strong when he attacked, yes, but I am far stronger than Zabuza. I just need a support for the battle, I have a plan to lure him into combat that I'm sure will defeat him."

Chojiro and Ao looked at each other and looked down. Mei blinked twice, "So neither of you are going to back me up against Yagura?"

Ao and Chojiro looked at each other once again and took fetal positions on the floor, "We would follow you into any battle you wish Mei-sama, but against Yagura we'd be nothing more than gnats to him, he would squash us."

Chojiro spoke up, "Mei-sama, you are the only person among us that even remotely has a chance against Yagura in combat. None of us are even close to being his match, only you."

Mei grumbled as she put her head on her desk, "Where the hell am I going to find someone tough, headstrong and damnably crazy enough to go along with a half-baked attack plan against the most powerful person in the entire country?"

The door flew open to feature a blonde boy in a red cloak with a metal arm gleaming in the light. Mei's face lit up upon his arrival, "Naruto-kun!"

Naruto put a shit-eating grin on his face, "So Mei-chan… I guess I'll just have to go ahead and end this little war of yours so you can get me to Uzu no Kuni. You don't have any problems with that do you?"

My summer is on! Fuck college! It's just high school that you have to pay for! I am too smart and too violent to be in a setting like my university. Beach kids and douchbags trust fund kids around every corner, catch 'em at Starbucks at 12 at night! And fuck Starbucks, fuck Starbucks sideways.

God I can't wait to graduate in 3 years so I never have to pick up another goddamn book for as long as I live, you feel me? I know you do! If you hate college then hallelujah holla back, if you don't… well review and enjoy your month of May, I know I will, ahaha ahaha ha!

Noteworthy reviews will be getting their props next chapter because I said so.

Kenchi out, fuck college. (Everything I ever needed to know I learned back in 5th grade, no bullshit I haven't learned a damn thing in almost ten years isn't that sad?)