Chapter 37

As invigorating as it was to feel wanted and loved by others once again, a feeling of fear arose as well. Everyday Scarlett mentally rehearsed the scene where Rhett would apologize for his heartless, shameless act and she would accuse him of every thoughtless deed he ever did to her, clearly and correctly and finally confess that she still loved him despite his conceited, despicable nature. She rehearsed it long and hard, each time strengthening her defenses and triumphing in her arguments.

But reality slowly began to sink in.

While Rhett watched her with interest and behaved much more like a gentleman around her, the long expected apology never came. Instead, despite herself. she was rejecting every effort on his part to be kind and caring towards her. When he offered to help her arrange a party, she rebuffed him expertly. When he softly complimented her, she sarcastically threw back some cutting remarks. When he smiled, she frowned. She was waiting for his apology. If only he would apologize, then she can explain her defenses and finally shower her love on him. But this way, she was going farther and farther away and every time she shut him out, that awful scene when he left her after Melanie's death, came back to haunt her. She had vague memories of rushing into the room, her hair disheveled, her skirts muddied and foolishly confessing her love for him and he, tiredly explaining that he wanted none of it. And the growing despair that nothing she could say or do would convince him to stay and the last pillar of strength she had leaned on crumbled and she was left all alone in the mist-

That was when Scarlett woke up from her sleep, shaking in cold sweat and tears pouring down her face. She slept alone ever since Rhett's betrayal at her birthday reception and he slept in a room down the hall. With shaking hands, she would pour herself a glass of brandy and after drinking it, she would tip toe down the hallway and check to see if Rhett was still in his room. When she saw his bulky form under the covers, she would heave a sigh of relief and walk back to her room.

But the fear still remained.

"Perhaps it is because I am happier nowadays-" reasoned Scarlett, wondering why this dread should consume her like this. "I keep imagining the worst because I've never been so happy before-"

But as the days went by, she found herself watching for any signs of Rhett, losing his temper and planning to leave Atlanta. She checked his whereabouts every so often covertly and was very sensitive to any change in his mood.

And then it finally happened.

That dreaded moment finally came.

Scarlett was just returning from a visit to Pittypat's house when she found the mansion eerily silent. "Where are all the servants?" she wondered, her throat suddenly going dry. She flung off her gloves and bonnet in haste and half-ran to the great hall. Mammy was nowhere to be seen. Biting back a gasp, she ran to the dining room. Rhett wasn't there. She ran from the parlor and into the study. He wasn't there.

Then she heard footsteps in the upper hall. She stifled a sob and ran up the stairs. Her bounding climb shook a few curls loose on the sides of her head. Her eyes frantically searched for Rhett. Where was he?

And then she saw two suitcases - Rhett's suitcases arranged neatly outside his room.

Scarlett stood rooted to her spot, stunned.

So, he was leaving her. He had tried to be kind but she had hurt him too much and he was leaving her once again!

Tears rushed down her cheeks and Scarlett ran into the room with a strangled cry. Three faces looked up at her. Pork was packing another suitcase, Rhett was lounging in an armchair by the window and Mammy was cleaning the mantelpiece. Scarlett couldn't even see them clearly because her vision was blurred with tears.

"Put down that suitcase, Pork!" she cried, as commanding as her trembling voice would permit her. "Captain Butler isn't going anywhere!"

She ran to Rhett and throwing her fears to the wind, she threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly around his waist. "I won't let you go!i'll kill you if you leave me! " she cried, loudly and incoherently, in anger and terror. Her hands seemed to claw at him and bruise him, but she did not care. She looked up, wild desperation in her eyes, like a crazy woman. "I don't know how to keep you.. I don't know how.. but by God, you will not leave me- I couldn't bear it! You are the reason I am changing.. I hate it all.. I hate you.. but I am changing,Rhett.." Scarlett's words became intelligible with emotion. "You cannot start this change and leave me!"

Scarlett sobbed loudly for she knew now that she had only made herself more contemptible in his eyes. Now, he would look at her calmly and tell her to stop pursuing him. He would hurt her and shame her. And he would reject her as he did before.

But when she finally looked up, she only saw puzzlement and tenderness on Rhett's face.

"Miss. Scarlett Ma'am"

Scarlett gazed at Pork and saw him grinning foolishly from ear to ear. "Mist. Rhett, he wasn't going anywhere- I was just following his orders and packing his old books in his trunks so that he could be rid of them. He was donating them to the library and he wanted me to pack them-"

Scarlett's breath came in gasps as she stared incredulously at the open suitcase and the books inside. Pork was gesturing to that suitcase. She heard a sharp hissing sound from the door and saw Mammy urgently beckoning for Pork to leave the room. Then suddenly the horror of everything she had said and done came rushing to her. She yelped and began to pull herself backto her feet when Rhett's arms wrapped around and he pulled her against him.

"LET ME GO!" yelled Scarlett, her face reddening a thousand times over and she knew she would never get over this humiliation of having thrown herself at his feet. Oh, what she wouldn't give to have the earth part open and swallow her whole. "Turn me loose, you conceited varmint!"

"No" said Rhett, simply and firmly. He held her close to him while she struggled against his strength. Then finally she gave up and sobbed once more into his chest. Somehow, the sound of his heartbeat, the reassuring smells of horses, cigars and tobacco quietened her. She waited to hear that patronizing drawl- teasing her, lauding it over that he was able to turn her into a clinging vine- but that never came either.

When she looked up again, he gazed at her with so much tenderness. His hand brushed back her hair and he tightened his grip around her once again. "Scarlett, I am truly sorry for betraying your secrets at your reception. You trusted me but I exploited that trust and for that I am truly sorry. Do you forgive me, my dear?"

His tone was so genuine and so gentle that all her rehearsed arguments, dripping with scorn and superior hate, vanished from her mind. Instead she flushed and meekly mumbled, "Yes, I forgive you-"

"Look at me, Scarlett" said Rhett, raising her chin and looking deeply into her clear green eyes. "I know that I hurt you.. more than anyone ever did. But the past few months, you have taken that hurt and you have used it to turn yourself into a beautiful person. I didn't do anything. It was all you. And it is a welcoming sight to see you make the effort, darling-"

"Yes, Rhett" replied Scarlett, again searching for words and failing miserably. Her eyes fluttered down and she whispered, "Do you love me?"

"Yes" came the reply, a whisper as well. "I am starting to-"

"Oh!"

Scarlett smiled at how easily the words she had most desired to hear had been said. She relaxed in his arms at once. "You love me!"

"You've got so much life in you, Scarlett. You are vibrant, daring.. so different from all the other women I ever knew. Coarse, earthy.. seeing things for what they really were- How could I not help loving you-"

"But you hurt me so many times-"

"I only wanted you to see how different and beautiful you were. But I do ask for your forgiveness. I did lead you astray during the times when you most depended on me. If I had only realized that you were truly terrified of the Yankees, I wouldn't have left you to fend for yourself at Rough and Ready. I would have been more supportive when you came to me after your mother died and your plantation fading and you desperately needed the money- But fool that I was, I was too slow to respond to your crisis. And even after our wedlock, I hurt you many times-"

"Do you really love me now, Rhett?"

"Yes, I do, Scarlett."