"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."

Paul Boese

Chapter 37

"I said NO!" I yell, slamming the door behind me.

I am in the cloakroom and I start taking my white coat off. House has followed me and the door hurts the wall when he opens it.

"Tell me why!" he shouts at me.

"I don't want to that's it. It's too soon after the twins."

"God, they're one and a half! Do you know how old I am? Time is not in my favour."

I sigh and close my locker when I've put my coat in it. Then I lean on it and look up at House:

"Why do you insist? Are we not happy with the twins?"

"Of course we are. I don't understand why you are so stubborn about it. What's wrong with wanting another child?"

"Nothing, nothing… But… I don't want to."

"Why? You seemed to be okay when I started talking about it!"

"I thought about it and I decided it was too soon. Having another child implies changing the car, more spending for the kids, more spending for the nanny…"

"Oh yeah, we're so poor", he ironically says.

"Listen House, you don't know what it is to have a child."

He gapes and slowly asks:

"Excuse me?"

"I mean physically. A pregnancy is no pleasure cruise. Even if mine was great, another one could not be as okay as this one."

"You refuse because you are afraid?"

"I'm not afraid. I refuse because I don't want to be pregnant again. At least not now."

"Fine. We'll do as you want, as usual", he nastily retorts.

He turns his back at me and is ready to walk out of the room but, willing to calm his anger, I suddenly say:

"Let's wait for the twins to be 2, okay?"

He doesn't turn around but simply says:

"Fine."

Then he leaves without one more word. I sigh and sit on the bench there is in front of the lockers. I am tired of all these arguments. Since we've celebrated his one year quitting Vicodin, he keeps talking to me about another child. I never thought I would get pregnant again. We have a boy and a girl, it's just perfect. I've loved being pregnant, it's true, I've quickly lost all the weight I had put on during my pregnancy, and there is no rational reason that I refuse. At least that's how House see things. It's true it's hard for me to give him reasons for not wanting another kid except that I just don't want to. And now I feel stuck because I told him we would start trying when the kids will be two and that's in only 6 months. I have to try to convince him that we are good this way before that time. After half an hour thinking about that, I end up leaving the room and walking to my car on the parking lot. I instinctively eye House's parking spot but he has already left. "Nice for having waited for me", I groan. I sigh again, get in my car and drive back home. When I park in front of it, I hesitate before getting out. I even think about calling Cameron and joining her in a bar or something. I imagine House is mad at me and I don't want to quarrel with him again. I resolve to go home and, as soon as I open the door, the twins rush to me:

"Mama!"

I get on my knees to hug them. I want to avoid House as long as I can. I stroke Cassie's hair and ruffle Oliver's one.

"Come on kids!" I hear House crying out at them.

They give me a kiss and run to the kitchen. I put my keys in the trinket bowl and my purse right next to it. I take off my coat and hang it on the coat rack. I take my shoes off and enjoy walking barefoot on the wooden floor. I follow the kids to the kitchen: House is cooking and I stare at him but he doesn't give me a single look. The kids are laughing while watching their dad and he makes them taste food. After a while, he tells them:

"Okay guys, dinner's gonna be ready in a moment. Go with Mom, it's bath time."

Oliver and Cassie don't moan or anything, they just say "'Kay" and join me. They slip their hands in mines and we go to the bathroom. I glance at House but he doesn't look back at me, he goes on cooking.

Once they are sitting in the bathtub, I wash the twins and take them out of the bathtub so I can dry and put them their pajamas. They are so perfect, I tell myself while taking care of them. They play in the bath of course but when I say stop they obey, when I say it's time to get out of the bathtub they obey. I wonder how we could get luckier with another baby. I can't help believing that if we had another kid, it would not be as "good" as the twins. Still lost in thoughts, I take their hands and lead them to the kitchen. House gives them food, they eat and I put them to bed after that. I wish them goodnight, House goes in turn right after me and I walk to the living room. I stop by the fridge to grab a can and I start drinking it, sit on the couch.

"Dinner's ready", House's voice tells me.

I stand up and walk to the table: he still doesn't look at me. I sigh with tiredness:

"How long will it last?" I ask.

He looks up at me at least, and gives me an inquiring look. I roll my eyes and explain:

"You getting mad at me."

"I'm not mad."

"Yeah right."

I brutally pull the chair and sit on it. We don't talk at all during the dinner. Sometimes I look at him, hoping he's gonna say something, even something nasty I don't care, I just want to hear him saying something. But he doesn't. He eats, he even hums songs while eating. I just play with my fork: I am unable to eat. Violent stomach pains knot my belly. I feel nauseous. I just hate when we argue, I could make the first step, I should do it but my pride prevents me to do so. I want him to apologize. It's then I realize he has nothing to apologize for: all he wants is a growing family. I can't see any solution there. Either me or him will have to cede to the other one's desire.

"Any dessert?"

I look up at him, rise from my thoughts. He stares at me, serious look on his face. I simply shake my head and leave. I go to the kids' bedroom, I check they are okay and I head towards the bathroom: I open the taps and water runs in the bathtub. I get in with a satisfied sigh. I hear House's cane on the bedroom's floor and the bathroom's door slowly opens on him. He silently undresses: I can't take my eyes off him, off his movements. I bite the inside of my lower lip when he reveals his naked chest, his long and thin legs. Yeah, believe me or not, a girl can be appealed by a guy's legs. I eye his scar and, as every time, I see it, I wish I could take all the pain he feels and make it disappear. Though, somehow, I am grateful he has this scar: if he had not this aneurysm, if he had not this operation, he would have probably stayed with Stacy. I may have never met him. He joins me in the hot water, and sits in front of me before leaning on the bathtub. I look away, even if I'd like to make love with him right now, I still am mad at him. We remain silent for a good while, my eyes staring stupidly at the bath mat. After a long moment, House's hand grabs my ankle: I look at him, surprised, he draws my leg on his shoulder. Then he starts kissing it, gently, softly. It's nothing, it's just his lips on my ankle but it turns me wet in a flash. I should join him, kiss him and make up but I do what I always do. I screw it up.

"I'm not that easy", I say, moving my leg away.

I regret it straightaway but I can't go back in time. House rolls his eyes and purses his lips while looking at me. I'm still a bit scared when he does that. Scared that he goes too far with his words.

"Screw you Meg", he spats.

Surprised, I remain speechless for some seconds: he has almost never called me Meg. Once or twice, in bed, while he was climaxing.

"Screw you Greg", I retort when I regain my composure.

"I never noticed that our names rhymed", he says.

"Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?"

"Talking about something that had nothing to do with the conversation."

He winces:

"What conversation? We were insulting each other."

"You know what I'm talking about…"

"No I don't. Tell me, I'm all ears."

I roll my eyes in turn:

"The baby…"

"Oh, that? I forgot about it."

I give him a surprised look:

"Then why are you angry?"

"I'm not angry. You are."

"Because I thought YOU were."

"Oh God…" he sighs.

"As you say", I bitterly retort.

"I'm not mad at you. We agreed on that point so why should I be mad?"

I don't reply, look down.

"Unless…" I hear him saying softly. "Unless you lied…"

I don't move. I feel his look on me:

"You lied?" he asks.

I could say no and everything would be settled. But I can't. After a minute or two, he brutally stands up, splashing me. When I dare looking up, he has gone. I sigh, curl up in the water. I stay there until water gets too cold and that I'm freezing. I leave the bathtub, remove the plug and dry myself. I walk to our bedroom when I'm ready: lights are off, House is on a side, his eyes closed. He seems asleep but I'm not sure he is, so I gently put my hand on his shoulder and whisper:

"I'm sorry Greg… It's just… I feel like no other child could be up to the twins… I'm scared of not loving another kid as much as I love them…"

I wait for him to answer, but he doesn't and I lay next to him, kiss his cheek lengthily and close my eyes.

I slowly open my eyes: sun is breaking through the curtains but it's not what woke me up. It's House's fingers brushing the skin of my arms. He is facing me, smiles when he sees I've woken up.

"Morning", he softly says.

"Morning", I reply.

He bends down to kiss me and go back to his strokes.

"I thought about what we talked about yesterday. I understand what you feel, but I'm sure you would love another baby as much as Oliver and Cassie. And I'm pretty much sure this kid would be as great as them. DNA doesn't lie."

I chuckle:

"Then you think if they are so great it's thanks to your DNA?"

"I wasn't thinking about mine only…"

I purr with contentment and then I put on a sulky pout:

"You could have told me that last night. I knew you were awake."

"I needed to think about it. Well, you have all the time you want. But please, reflect on it. I'll be there to help you, we'll make it together, as we've always done…"

I nod and draw him to me.

We spend the day with the kids, we take them to the park and I enjoy seeing House playing with them. After all, he's right: we're good parents, there is no reason that, if we have a baby, it would be different from his brother and sister. Fully convinced and confident, I tell House I'm okay, but that I still would like to wait for the kids to be 2 years old. He looks really happy and even relieved, I would say. When we get back home in the evening, we put the kids, who have fallen asleep in our arms, to bed and, when we're alone, we talk a lot about our future and I think we finally understand each other.

A/N: I would love to read your thoughts about that. I know there are lots of up and downs but, hey, living with House cannot be a bed of roses. Also, I'm desperately looking for a nickname for Oliver, I'm asking you American guys if you have one. In France, the French version of the name is "Olivier" and we do have a nickname but I don't know if it's the same. Thanks for keeping reading and I'll update ASAP