Results of the poll:

1) Kai (unsurpringly): 4 votes

2) KENNY! Can you believe that? Well, I'm very happy coz I think he's so cute: 2 votes plus me

3) Tie between Tala and Miguel. Okay I've put Tala for a joke and Miguel is a proposition from Feeding Ground. They've got 1 vote each.

Unfortunately Mystel and Brooklyn got no votes and thank God though Brooklyn might be good for Kimi after all, since he's more exciting, sexually wise.

But the good thing about this poll is that KageAngel gave me an EXCELLENT idea. I won't say what though coz it'd ruin the story. For the moment, just enjoy this chappie.

And also thanx for everyone for voting.

Note to Crying Sorcerss: angsty chapter ; )

Chapter 37

Stardust in the Eye

There is only Mariah and me tonight. All the other girls are probably fucking. Lucky them. Though I don't really feel like fucking I'm suffering from loneliness in this dark dormitory with only the sleeping body of Mariah-chan beside me. I'm glad that she is asleep because she was crying her eyes out when I came back. No one else was there to take care of her so I felt it my responsibility to do so. After all, she's always there for me. The room was so silent that when I opened the door, despite her efforts to keep it quiet, I could hear her sobbing.

"What is the matter, Mariah-chan?"

I've seen her blood-shot eyes in the daytime before but catching her crying was awful. I didn't know what to do to comfort her. The main thing was to make her stop crying. I lied next to her and wrapped my arms around her trembling body. Her hair was wet from tears. I caressed her cheeks equally wet, speaking softly into her ears. Her nose was running, so I had to find a cloth for her to blow her nose. I watched her doing so, sitting up; the tears around her face was making her eyes puffy. In the darkness I could still see my friend. She was still ravishing yet a tragic beauty. I wanted to pull her close, to warn her that Madame Cho would kill her if she knew but I decided to keep my mouth shut and wait.

Finally she drank back her tears and spoke. Her voice was uneven and broken as if she's been out in the field on a windy day.

"K-Kimi, I… I'm su-such a st-stupid per-person," she sobbed.

"Can you tell me?" I asked her softy.

Her shoulder shook under my arms.

"A-all this t-time, I th-thought that… lo-love brings hap-piness but… but now I re-realize th-that I've been m-making it all up."

"Did something happen between you and Rei?" I ventured.

She shook her bushy head desperately.

"N-no and… and nothing will ev-ever!" she wailed. "I've m-made it all up! I d-did it! It's all… it's all my fault."

I let her say all the nonsense to herself and to me. I mean, that's what friends are for, right? I couldn't really make sense from what she was saying: the words had nothing to do with each other. Though I REALLY think that Rei has done something coz otherwise she wouldn't be crying like this. She had nothing else to cry about. Then she said it. She said the keyword, the answer to her woes. It's a simple word, like its antonym it means so many things.

"I am heartbroken."

The word made the taste in my mouth turned sour, as if it has tasted a putrid ejaculation. I suddenly felt like pushing her away as if she was contaminated by a nasty plague and screaming "You're disgusting!" but I couldn't pull myself to do it. It must be the love that I bear for her, a love that will never waver. We only have each other in the brothel. She had Rei too. I was jealous then, knowing that she dreamt of someone else other than me. Selfish, right? And even though I can sometimes be jealous of her as well, I knew that I could always count on her, no matter what. That stopped me from acting like a spoilt child and going into tantrums. I wanted to keep her so I was acting nice. However when she pronounced those words… It's just one of those words that will make Madame Cho scream if she hears it, as if it was a swear word. It had the same effect on me. I couldn't believe it of her, of her daring and of her weakness. Because if you let your heart break, it totally means that you're weak. As I was holding Mariah in my arms that night, I've lost something I know I won't be able to recover: my admiration for her. She went to sleep like a baby, exhausted from crying and probably comforted by me. I knew that it was going to happen. Me losing my admiration for her, I mean. Look at the facts: I'm now the most-wanted prostitute in the brothel. Mariah no longer worked endless nights with endless number of men queuing for her. They prefer me because I'm wilder. Excuse me but what really sells in Mariah are her boobs. Even Hilary and Mariam say so! So don't get me wrong. I'm just saying the truth! The only thing that she's ahead of me is fighting. But I don't really care about that now. It seems that nothing needs to be quiet down or anything. Actually I don't miss the killing at all. Fighting, okay. But killing is messy and not at all exciting when the person who is your victim is a helpless old frog.

I rolled on my back and stared at the dark ceiling. Rei, huh? It's unbelievable that a guy like him can break a girl's heart. But then, all I know of him is from Mariah and he seemed so wonderful to her. Her eyes were always sparkling when she pronounced his name. She looked almost pathetic, getting all jumpy because of a guy. I remember how she came back from her first Japanese course with Ren looking secretive. Mariah has always been an imaginative girl so I guess that's all her sayings about Rei were like, exaggerated. From what I've heard, he is gentle and caring and a bit gay (okay, I've added that part for myself!). It seems that he's the kind of Prince Charming little girls would wish for. No wonder Mariah's over the moon about him. And now… reality shots back. Poor, poor Mariah-chan! That's why love sucks so much! You just have to hurt, eventually. And if you let yourself get hurt then you're considered the loser.

Wait a minute, love is like a battle! Yeah, exactly. In a battle, you have strategies on how to take down your enemy. That can be referred to flirting and everything. Also in a battle as well as in love, you win some and you lose some! And those who start it are stupid, just like lovers! I don't want to fall in love, not now anyway: it's so pointless, like wars. I hate wars even though I've never lived through one. But I've seen them in movies and the news.

Samurais are mostly jerks. They think that they're so cool, those officers of justice! Fuck them! They're not even a scrap of our ninja team! Okay, this old disciple of Madame Cho's, Shina Something got killed by a Samurai not long ago but that's because she has left the brothel. You're safe as long as you remain under Madame Cho's protection. We need each other to survive, like I've told you before. That's why everybody here never though of running away despite Madame Cho's harsh treatment on them. Well, I guess they thought about it but none did it, except this Shina girl. She was older than me so I don't know her very well. But yeah, she was one of the best especially when it comes to stealing. We've heard of her exploits all right. Madame Cho was so angry she didn't let us stop training until midnight everyday and we had to rush into our costumes. But the worst was for us dancers. Where was she expecting us to get strength after the training we've been through? As if she cared, of course. My adoptive mother is the most insensitive human being I've ever known. She only thinks about herself, for fucking sake! Anyway, when Shina was dead, she was so happy for some time but then life resumed its normal pace with trainings and entertaining (except me, of course). Some action got in though, especially with the case with the Balkov Yakuza. I sighed at the memory. Men are so weak. Even the world's top yakuza can get whipped by a woman. While others lose their virginities to girls.

God, Kai. He's so pathetic. When I thought that he was cool-looking and everything but he too, was one of the weak men. Imagine losing your virginity at twenty! Eeew! I don't know but a hottie like him shouldn't be able to keep their virginity long. No wonder he was all this stiff and cold towards us prostitutes. He must be like, conserving this flower of his virginity in him and wanting to wait till he finds the appropriate one to lose it to. God, isn't that so corny? I mean, in this world, we no longer care about virginity! Look at me! Okay, maybe that's because I'm a whore. But Kenny! He isn't virgin, is he? I must admit that he wasn't the average hottie but he looks so cute, stuttering and stammering all the time, no one can resist him! Kai isn't a good fucker at all. I mean, how can he be since he's never done it before? So I guess that I must forgive him about that. The strange thing is though that he… I can't describe the feeling he put me each time I was in his presence. Mariah talked about love but I don't think that it's that easy. I know for one thing: I can never be myself in front of him. How can I when his intense gaze seemed to be studying each of my movements all the time? I felt so suffocated when he's around. Acting, I can't say that's strange since I have to act every night to find customers anyway. But none of them really made me feel so uncomfortable and… so enticing. That kiss. Yes, I guess it was the best part of the whole sex affair. Maybe I exaggerated in saying that it was bad. It was different. Yes, much more different than what I've had with the others. Maybe it was because I was the one guiding rather than following the customer's desires? Did Kai have a desire then? I remember his touch on me, they were like a pilgrim's touch. You know, he touches me as if I was a relic or something, not a whore. That's why the sex is so monotonous. It's so religious! I'm atheist, of course but I have a pretty good impression of what religious ceremonies are like and yes, our sex has been a religious one. I wasn't myself at all at that time. I was tired because sleeping in Madame Cho's room bought me nightmares about cloaked men. Sounds daft, I know. So in the afternoon, I found a quiet place in the fields and hoping to sleep, I found him instead. That was pretty queer, wasn't it? And the bike! It was his, after all! I'm very jealous of the guy. How can he have everything I've ever wanted? Okay, I don't really want to turn out religious like him or anything but think about it: cool hair, cool style, cool bike and possibly a cool background! The man is so fucking lucky! I wish… I don't know what I wish. Kai, I had him but unlike any other customers, I still want to explore him. There, I've said it. It's clear now, isn't it? He intrigues me and I want to posses him. Think about what the other girls will say if they knew! Green with jealousy, I'm sure. If he comes to me again, I'm going to make sure he deserves what he gets. I can't help myself laughing at the idea. Kimi is going to tame a guy! Yeah, that'll be fun! There's so much I want to know about him. Tonight I've learnt that you can talk to a guy hours long without fucking. Maybe it will be the same with Kai. The problem is that I don't really know what to say when we were together. I was pretty stupid back then, right? Hmm, what to do? Unlike Kenny, he isn't intimidated by me; maybe that's where the challenge begins. I must capture his attention. I know for one thing that he can't be seduced the way ordinary men can. What did he say again? Oh, "I must stop your lips from trembling." He seems to be the kind of guy who enjoys helping damsels in distress. He's going to have one all right! This is going to be fun. This reminds me of a story I've read somewhere about a knight who thinks that the whole world depends on him. He's a pathetic character who really needs a life. Kai needs as much lives as a cat has! The guy really thinks that he lives in a fairytale or something. That mask he wears all the time, the one that makes us fall for him is actually hiding a worm, a weak worm who's no better than anyone else. I'm really going to make him please by offering myself to him.

But a voice inside me shakes my conscience. Do I really want this to be a simple game? Or am I doing it in order to hide something else? My life is beginning to suck.

Sorry about the long paragraph.