Chapter 36

Goodbye

Dear Readers, I can't believe you've stuck with me through 36 chapters and thousands of words! Thank you for being a part of Charlotte's journey. Even though she seldom makes the best choices, I've come to really love her as a character. I'm going to begin the next book, entitled Steps, in this series. Please watch for it. Charlotte's Web was written and plotted out, for the most part, as I wrote it. The arc and main themes of Steps are in the process of being outlined, and then I'll be filling in the details. However, I'll still welcome your suggestions – I have enjoyed incorporating the ideas of others as I've written. I know for certain that Steps will begin with Charlotte's early experiences in Los Angeles and her first visit back home.

January flowed into February. Another Valentine's Day came, with copious amounts of flowers, jewelry, and romance filling Charlotte's day. Alex remembered to bring flowers home, after seeing signs of the holiday all around the hospital. When he finally made it home at 11pm, Jo was fast asleep assuming he'd forgotten the holiday. In a way, she was hurt. But another part of her really didn't care about flowers, or about most of life lately.

Slowly but surely, Jo had eased back into her residency as her 4th year began to draw nearer to a close. The part of her left in Jake's office still seemed to reside in LA. Alex's seeming fear of touching her or harming her through sex hadn't changed in six weeks. Jo hadn't worked up the courage to confront Alex, partly because he never seemed to have time for more than a quick kiss and an excuse about why he needed to get to the hospital right away. The Karev's marriage was strained, and Charlotte's departure day was right around the corner. Grief pervaded the Karev home and the strain of anticipation caused every occupant to be on edge.

Charlotte and Matt shared a ride to and from school on the last day before Spring Break. He surprised her throughout the day with notes, appearances, and attention. Since it was her last day at school, Matt and their friends had a surprise party for her at lunch time. Everyone in Matt's family and everyone at school had signed a book for Charlotte that Matt and his mom had created on Shutterfly.

As he drove her home from school on an uncharacteristically warm March day, Matt once again begged Charlotte to reconsider moving to Los Angeles. Matt thought that his repeated urgings helped Charlotte see how deeply he loved her. Instead, they were beginning to grate on Charlotte and feel like a vote of opposition. "Why, babe? Why are you going through with this? I can provide for our entire lifetime together," Matt reminded her as he bordered on whining.

"Matt, I've said it before, this isn't about money. Don't you think it's cool that a talent agent spotted me on the Santa Monica boardwalk and then signed me? That never happens. It'll be fun to jump in and see what happens," Charlotte enthusiastically explained for the umpteenth time.

"I guess I thought you and I were more than that," Matt responded in a combination of anger and sadness.

Charlotte fumed. For the last month, and especially since Valentine's Day, Charlotte felt like Matt had tried to play the jilted lover who was being abandoned and left behind all alone. He seemed to have forgotten that the roles would have been reversed, but the situation would have been similar, at the end of summer when he left for Stanford. Somehow, in Matt's eyes, his leaving for college was nothing like her leaving for a possible career. Even though the couple had a clear agreement that they would not yell at one another, Charlotte's patience ran thin on that afternoon. Charlotte put her hand up toward Matt and looked out the front windshield. She raised her voice and bellowed, "Enough, Matthew! Don't try to make me feel guilty because I have an opportunity. You are not some unfortunate, hopeless, abandoned puppy dog. Enough, Matt. Stop."

Matt abruptly pulled the Mustang in front of the Karev's house. Little did either of them know that Alex had just pulled in and was in the garage just feet away. He could clearly hear them through the Mustang's open windows. Matt threw on the brake and turned off the motor before turning to Charlotte and thundering back, "How dare you, Charlotte Sophia Karev! You know how much I love you. I love you so much that I asked you to marry me. I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together and here you are accusing me of guilt tripping you?! I can't fucking believe you, Charlotte. I thought I knew you."

"Shut up, Matt. You are trying to be such a damn victim in all this. Not once, not ONCE have you been happy for me about this. Ever since I shared the news with you, all you've done is try to find ways to talk me out of it. You've tried to talk me out of modeling, out of going to college, out of life and to just stop everything in my life so I can have your crappy babies," Charlotte screamed, "Well guess what, Matt? Unlike my namesake, I don't want to have hundreds of little babies and then die of a broken heart like the spider does in Charlotte's Web. I don't want to rush into marriage and start a familly. I'm not sure I ever want babies. I've got a life to live. I've told you that over and over, so don't try to tell me that this is all about how you love me so much. Because, really, you're just devastated that I have options to consider. You are NOT being fair."

In a power move but not in a hurtful way, Matt grabbed Charlotte's shoulder. He growled with deep intensity, "That's your argument, Charlotte? You're counting on the accusation that I'm not being fair? I offer to give you the world, to marry you, to provide for you, to meet your every need. You would never want for anything, and your response is that I'm not being fair?!Maybe I'm not, Charlotte. Maybe I'm not being fair to myself, thinking that you'd be grateful and eager to marry me and spend your life with me. Why would I think that would be attractive to you, huh?"

"Get your hand off my shoulder," Charlotte snarled. "Now!" Matt put both his hands up on either side of his shoulders before setting them down on his legs. "Maybe what I want, Matt, is to follow my dreams. Those were the last words my mom said to me – I've told you that. 'Follow your dreams.' Listen to me, Matt, maybe you believe you can buy me the world and spoil me rotten, but I've had it with your lack of support for my dreams. Sometimes you come close to treating me like you own me. Well, Mr. Bauer who has and gets whatever the hell he wants, you do not own me. I am a person with my own dreams and hopes. My dream is not to be your arm candy in your fancy life. You thought you knew me, huh? Well, Matt, I thought I knew you. This guy you've been since I returned from LA is not the man I lost my virginity to and is not the man I fell in love with. I don't know who the hell you are." By this point, Alex was leaning against the wall of the garage listening to the banter with great interest. As he heard Charlotte's latest accusations, all he could think was that he was glad she wasn't breaking up with him. She was clearly pissed and was out for blood.

Matt set his head down on his steering wheel and ran his left hand through his hair. Charlotte nearly panted as she attempted to catch her breath. Without raising his head, Matt declared calmly, "I love you, Spider. I want to work this out."

Charlotte grabbed the door handle and began to exit the car. She roared, "Really? You want to work this out? Then be happy for me, you ass. Oh, and don't ever call me Spider again. Ever. Your attempts to control my life through incredible gifts and amazing sex have been lovely, but you've lost the privilege of being in my inner circle." Charlotte slammed the door and ran up the steps to the front door of the house. Alex cringed at the brief description of Charlotte's sex life while also been happy for her that the sex was good. After all, he thought, there's nothing as wonderful as great sex. Then he shook his head to erase the picture in his head of Charlotte and Matt making love.

Not really wanting to admit that he'd heard them, Alex approached Matt's car out of concern. The last thing Matt needed to be doing right now is driving. Knocking gently on Matt's window and gesturing his head to the right, Alex said, "Now's not a good time to drive, Matt. How about taking a walk to cool off? I can go with you or I can stay the hell away, but don't drive after all that."

Matt put his hands over his face and rubbed his fingers on his forehead. He nodded as he took in some slow, deep breaths and got out of the car. As he began to walk, Matt told Alex, "I'm good alone, Dr. Karev. Thanks."

Jo drove up just as Matt was departing. She smiled broadly and waved, finding it odd when Matt ignored her. After parking the car and getting out, Jo asked Alex, "What's up with him?"

"He and Charlotte just had one hell of an argument. Holy crap. They're expert level screamers. Woah," Alex related.

"What's the issue?" Jo asked with concern.

Alex tried to summarize, "She's pissed that he's sad about her leaving and he's pissed that she's pissed. He wants to give her the Bauer life and she doesn't want to be a trophy wife. He thinks she doesn't care about their relationship and she thinks he's unsupportive of her dreams. It was exhausting to listen to them."

Jo laughed and nudged Alex on the shoulder, "You listened to them fight? How'd you manage that?"

"I had just driven into the garage when they pulled up. The windows were down. I couldn't help but hear them," he clarified.

"Yeah," Jo jested, "but you could have walked away and not listened."

Alex shrugged his shoulders and returned to his car to grab his briefcase. "You're home early," he observed as he walked.

"Steph needs me to cover for her on Sunday afternoon, so she took the rest of my shift," Jo explained. She followed him into the garage and put a hand on his butt, "I was hoping maybe we could spend some time together."

Alex tried to act disappointed, sighing, "I have a huge surgery tomorrow. I need to prep and review notes. We'll see, ok?" He walked out of the garage and toward the stairs.

"Alex," Jo called. He stopped and turned around. Jo persisted, "I understand if you need to review and prep, but we really need to talk. We need to talk today."

"Why? What's up?" Alex questioned.

Jo walked over to Alex and grasped his open hand, saying softly, "Let's go inside and talk."

When they entered the house, the couple could hear Charlotte sobbing upstairs. "Shit," Alex exclaimed with disappointment. "Should we go deal with that?"

Jo shook her head, "Let's give her some space. C'mon over to the couch."

Alex headed to the kitchen, "I'm gonna grab a beer. You want anything?"

Sitting down on the couch, Jo responded, "Some water would be great." Alex returned with the drinks and asked what was up. Jo described her concerns, "Ever since we met with Jake, you haven't touched me. Like really touched me. Alex, it's been weeks."

Alex looked out the living room window and took a large swig of beer, thinking to himself, Crap. Do we really need to go there right now? "Yeah," he scrambled, "I've been busy at the hospital. Crazy times."

"Being busy, even working around the clock, has never gotten in our way before. What's going on?" Jo begged.

Alex offered his sideways grin and raised his shoulders, "Nothin'."

Jo looked at him and held her gaze. They both knew he was holding back. Calmly, Jo spoke his name, "Alex…"

"I don't know how to explain it, ok? I just…I don't want to hurt you. I'm worried and you're sad all the time and it's just…" Alex trailed off unsure what more to say.

"Just too much emotion, right?" Jo suggested.

Alex nodded with hesitation, "Yeah, I guess. I dunno."

Jo grinned and gently reached for Alex's face, making eye contact with him, "I love you, Alex Karev. I know emotionally charged situations aren't your favorite, but, Alex, I need you to be here with me. It hurts me more when you avoid touching me or making love to me. Besides," she softly jested, "you've got to be bursting. Have you ever gone this long without sex?" Jo smiled as she fixed her gaze.

Alex leaned up and kissed her repeatedly. He hugged her and whispered in her ear, "What if we can't fix this baby stuff?" He began to cry as she held him. Expanding on his hidden thoughts, he added, "I want to have kids with you. I want that so bad. And I know it's hard to decide what to do, and I know we need to think through options carefully and I'll take all the time you need, but I want to hold our baby. I want to put my hand on you and feel him kicking from inside." Alex sniffled and continued, "I hate this. I hate this. Why can't I ever just have a kid normally?" Alex pulled away and wiped his eyes, cleared his throat and offered, "That's why I can't go there, Jo. If I open up at all, it's like Pandora's box. If I let some of the ugliness come to the surface, it doesn't stop." He leaned back toward his wife and kissed her cheek, "I'm sorry. I haven't meant to hurt you."

Jo clarified, "Him? You want to feel him kicking inside me?"

Chuckling, Alex added, "Or her."

Softly, Jo requested, "Can we go upstairs and say goodbye to this sex-less streak?"

Alex sniffled again and nodded his head, "I'd like that." He stood up and offered her his hand.

They walked up to the bedroom and locked the door. Charlotte was still closed off in her room, but the sobbing had stopped. Alex lay on his back and put his left arm out, inviting Jo to snuggle in as he wrapped his arm around her. She stroked his full head of hair with her left hand as her face rested on his strong shoulder. Then her fingers wandered along the edges of his ear and her thumb traced his cheekbone. Her fingers descended to his chin, his neck, his chest. Although they fell asleep in each other's arms before making love, their shared intimacy that afternoon was deep and strong as they surrendered themselves to the present moment and shared it together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'

About an hour after she'd arrived home, Charlotte heard a soft knock at the door. She knew her parents were in their bedroom and assumed, since it was unusually quiet, that they were napping. Charlotte got up and descended the stairs, seeing Matt on the other side of the glass. She stopped at the turn in the stairs and looked at him, trying to decide if she wanted to proceed.

Through the glass, Matt uttered, "Charlotte. Please."

Charlotte took a deep breath and opened the door. "My parents are asleep upstairs. Why don't we sit out here?"

Sitting down in the swing, Matt extended his hand to Charlotte. She grasped it lightly, sat down, then let go quickly. Without much emotion, she looked forward and stated, "I'm leaving on Monday."

"I know," Matt responded, looking at her. Neither said more for at least a minute when Matt added, "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too," Charlotte admitted, still avoiding eye contact.

"Could I come down to visit sometime?" Matt questioned. He reached his hand toward hers. As he began to clasp her fingers, she moved her hand onto her lap.

"I should go inside," she explained as she looked at the ground.

Matt groaned, "Charlotte, please. Stay here. Let's work this out."

"I'll be right back," Charlotte stated as she went into the house and returned with his coat. "I…I won't need a heavy coat in Los Angeles."

"Babe, you can keep it just in case," Matt expressed as his voice weakened. Still standing, Charlotte gently set the coat on the bench. She stood in front of the swing and began to take out her earrings and take off her ring. Matt shook his head, "Charlotte…no. Don't do this, babe. No. I love you. I really crossed the line earlier. I wish I could take it all back. C'mon babe. No."

Charlotte pursed her lips tightly and continued to avoid eye contact. She reached out her handful of jewelry and explained, "Umm…the Valentine's necklace is in the coat pocket with all of the other jewelry you've ever given me. It's not right for me to keep any of it." When Matt wouldn't take the items, she set them on the coat. Slowly, she uttered, "If I find anything else, if I missed anything…I'll make sure it gets returned to you." She took a step backward.

Matt stood up and reached out for her. Charlotte turned away from him and Matt offered, "Spi…babe, please. Let's not end it like this. We're just edgy. This afternoon was just a bad time. Please." He put his hand on her shoulder, gently turning her toward him. "If you're going to break up with me, the least you could do is look me in the eye and tell me why."

Her gaze remained averted. She folded her arms in front of her as her lower lip began to quiver. Closing her eyes, she lamented, "There will always be a part of me that loves you very much, Matt, but you deserve someone who wants the life you want. That someone is not me." She opened her eyes and saw his hand at his side. She grasped it and kissed it before stepping away.

"Charlotte…" Matt begged one last time. He left the coat and all the jewelry on the porch swing as he despondently walked down to his car.

{Repeat from preamble above…just a reminder}

Dear Readers, I can't believe you've stuck with me through 36 chapters and thousands of words! Thank you for being a part of Charlotte's journey. I'm going to begin the next book in this series, entitled Steps. Please watch for it. Charlotte's Web was written and plotted out, for the most part, as I wrote it. The arc and main themes of Steps are in the process of being outlined, and then I'll filling in the details. I know for certain that Steps will begin with Charlotte's early experiences in Los Angeles and her first visit back home.