Bonnie Sveen Fan, thank you for your review. Cal really doesn't need to be the subject of an investigation when he's so worried about Ethan! He might be worried about missing the signs in Ethan too, but I don't think that's likely as he knows Ethan so well.
Tanith Panic, I personally don't judge Cal too harshly because I know what he's going through, but I thought it needed to be addressed for Cal's sake as well as James'. Dylan and Angela are a good team... but will Dylan realise that? Thank you for your review.
westlife4ever80, thank you for your review. It is sad it's not possible to help everyone with mental health problems, though I find it's similar with physical health. The GPs ignore me until I get rushed to the ED, who tell me I was right all along. My CMHT gives everyone a specific amount of support and if you need more, tough.
X-Sammii-X, I'm glad you like the slightly caring Dylan. I think he does care, but he struggles to show it. I'm scared of showing it too because I expect to get pushed away, literally and figuratively. Rita, Lily, Lofty and Big Mac weren't sacked, so I think Cal's job will be safe. Thank you for your review.
LoveFiction2016, thank you for your review - I'm glad you liked it.
Thank you to Scottish-Bambii for the follows and favourite.
Cal tried to ignore the pounding of his heart. He knew the procedure. Zoe really had no choice in the matter. There were times when his colleagues had helped him out by withholding information or delaying tests, but this was different. Cal had made a serious mistake and someone could die as a result. If Zoe didn't push for all the details, someone else would.
He stared down at his hands as he spoke in a small, defeated voice. "I honestly thought he was a time-waster. I mean, I didn't blame him. He called the mental health team, which was the correct thing to do, and they told him to come here. All he did was follow instructions."
"Okay, so why did you feel this wasn't a cause for concern?" said Zoe.
Cal's head came up and he looked helplessly at Zoe. "Because he didn't seem depressed to me. He was laughing and joking! How could he do that if he felt depressed?"
"You should know, Cal, that doesn't always mean anything," said Zoe. "A lot of depressed people hide their true feelings from the world. They put on a mask to convince everyone they're fine and that's not always a bad thing. The mask can help them to do what needs to be done and sometimes the act of doing it can help. I think a lot of us do to an extent. If we don't want to talk about something, we laugh it off and pretend it's not serious."
"Yeah, I get that," said Cal. "But…"
"But the downside is that they get so used to wearing the mask, it can be difficult to drop it and say how they really feel," said Zoe.
"Like you're going out with Dylan, even though you still love Max?" said Cal. "Because you don't want the world to see you're heartbroken?"
He regretted the words immediately, especially when he saw anger in Zoe's eyes. For a moment or two, she couldn't speak, but then a reluctant smile came to her face. "Kind of like that, yes. Except I was trying to fool myself as well as everyone else - and by the way, Dylan and I are no longer a couple."
"Oh God. I'm sorry," said Cal. "About you and Dylan, and for mentioning it. I shouldn't have brought your personal life into it."
"No, perhaps not, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it in the official meeting," said Zoe. "But anyway, when you're depressed, even when you're asking for help, it can be hard to show your feelings, even when you want to show them."
"But you can't get help if you don't ask for it," said Cal. "I know that's wrong. I know that some of the people who need help most can't ask and that means they can't get it. I think that's so unfair and this morning, I was so angry about it, you wouldn't believe. But now… I suppose I can see how difficult their job is."
"You need to look for clues," said Zoe. "It isn't easy and it isn't foolproof, but often the clues are there. One key thing for both me and James is that we were feigning happiness in odd situations. Dylan and I have no romantic chemistry. Your patient was joking about something that isn't funny. But exhibiting apparently 'normal' behaviour isn't always a sign that everything's okay. It's normal to go on dates and make jokes – but it's not normal to date someone you don't fancy or to joke about mental health problems."
Cal nodded. Zoe did have a point. When you looked at it from that angle, something wasn't right.
"But even without seeing the clues , Cal, the fact is he told you he was feeling suicidal," said Zoe. "Yet you spent only a couple of minutes with him. I know we're busy, but even so, that's not acceptable. Our time is limited – but not that limited. You didn't take enough time to form a proper judgement. If you'd spent a bit longer with him and come to the same conclusion, you'd have had more of a leg to stand on. But as it is…"
Bad. Bad. Bad.
He was bad. Everything was bad. It ached. It stung. It burned. But there was nothing Ethan could do.
Except one thing.
Ethan knew he shouldn't. It would hurt people and he didn't want that. Cal was trying so hard to help him. Ethan couldn't remember how he knew that, but he knew Cal cared.
He'd spent most of the last ten years doubting that, but he knew now. Cal cared about him very much.
Ethan looked around the kitchen. He had no idea how he'd got here. He'd made no decision. As far as he remembered, he'd made no journey. He'd simply looked around and here he was.
The only thing he knew was the reason why he was here.
To stop all the pain. To stop everything.
But I can't do that… can I? thought Ethan as his feet moved him towards a particular cupboard. His arms reached upwards: the arms he'd struggled to move earlier. I can't do this. I can't do this to Cal.
But his arms continued to move.
Dylan did occasionally admit to feeling certain emotions in this job. He admitted it to himself, and to Ben Harding when he absolutely had to. He admitted it to Zoe when she pushed him hard enough. He'd also admitted it to Angela, though without knowing he was going to do it.
He admitted to himself now that he felt relief that James had moved away from the edge. Relief so deep, it surprised him.
James was walking towards him. For a moment, he paused, his eyes meeting Dylan's. He looked emotionally drained and couldn't find any words, but for once, Dylan found he understood. James was grateful. At last, someone had listened to him.
"Well done, James," said Angela, as James left the roof. She didn't sound patronising. She sounded… respectful. "It's such a small thing on the surface, turning away from the edge of the roof and going back inside. But underneath the surface… you've done very well ."
Dylan followed them back to the ED. It was clear to him that James needed an assessment from the psych team, but until a referral had been made, he was still an ED patient. He walked towards one of the cubicles and opened the curtain slightly. "In here."
He held the curtain aside. James walked into the cubicle and climbed onto the bed. Angela stood beside him, offering James a reassuring smile.
Dylan closed the curtain. "Angela, did you say one of the psych doctors was coming across to make an assessment?"
Angela nodded. "He said he'd text when he got here." For James' benefit, she added: "It's not always possible for them to come straight away. We all work with the patients every day. We do one-to-one and group sessions. One thing we always try to avoid doing is rushing away from a patient. Sometimes there's no choice – if another patient is in danger and there's no-one else. But we don't like to leave someone during what we call 'their' time."
Dylan wondered if that was a good thing or not. Were they making an unnecessary fuss or exhibiting basic human politeness? Dylan didn't mind too much if people were rude to him as long as they got their point across and did as they were told, but he realised he wouldn't have been too pleased if Ben had left in the middle of one of his therapy sessions. Not if someone else could have done the job or at least held the fort until Ben was ready.
James looked up at Dylan. "Do you think I could be a doctor?"
"I'm not psychic," said Dylan. "I usually know if a patient's about to die in the next few minutes, but other than that, all I can do is give you my honest opinion of your chances based on the little I know about you."
James nodded earnestly. "That's why I asked you. So you can be honest. I don't want any of that 'You can do anything you put your mind to, James' or 'Someone like you couldn't be a doctor' rubbish."
Angela looked shocked, though she quickly hid it. "Who told you that 'someone like you' couldn't be a doctor?"
"My social worker. She meant that depressed people couldn't do a job like that."
"Well, she's entitled to their opinion, of course, but I completely disagree with her," said Angela. "And something like that shouldn't be said even if you do believe them – it is only an opinion, after all. Not a fact. To tell you with such certainty that you can't do something is very damaging, and grouping depressed people together like that is unhelpful as everyone is different."
"I know I shouldn't let it get to me," said James. "But I was gutted. She seemed so positive about me when she was encouraging me to clean the flat and do volunteering."
"It's very difficult not to let things get to you," said Angela. "I'd be upset too if someone said something like that to me. It's possible she didn't mean it in the way it sounded, but your interpretation was the natural one and I think most people would be hurt."
For some reason, Dylan found himself thinking he'd quite like to kill anyone who dared to speak to Angela like that. Perhaps the incident on the roof had upset him more than he'd thought.
"Being a doctor is very difficult and for some people, it might turn out be impossible," said Dylan. "But that doesn't mean it's impossible for you and I've seen nothing to suggest it is."
James was looking at Dylan eagerly. "Even though I'm depressed?"
"I think any illness can put you at a disadvantage," said Dylan. "It's a very long course of study. It can also be quite emotionally challenging. The work isn't easy – and the studying doesn't stop after you graduate. Financially, it's also a challenge. The difficulty for someone with any kind of recurring illness is that it would be very difficult to go away for a few months and then come back and try to pick up where you left off. But difficult doesn't mean impossible. Your illness will hold you back in some ways, but it will give you a unique insight in others. I can't say ultimately if you'll succeed. I don't know you well enough to judge and I have no idea what your maths and sciences are like, but I wouldn't say it was impossible, no. I have OCD and I'm a doctor."
Angela smiled at Dylan.
Dylan felt slightly dizzy.
It was probably past his lunchtime.