Cullenary Coupling

by BookishQua

What if Edward lied to everyone, & it really was all about Bella's scent? AU of entire TS on how, why, & when ExB fell in love using a completely different plot. Romance, hilarity, mystery and angst. Rated M. Canon Couples. Dark Edward, Lots of Snark

38. HOD pt 27 Oh, the Depravity!

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. But Starched Shirt Edward, Jugurtha, the O'Sheas, Sister Claire, Horatio, Grace, Jericho, Skeevy, Violet Gorgon, Eve, FitzCarrion, FitzCorpse, and FitzCadaver, FitzSinister, FitzLuck, Young To Me Old Power, and Aaron are mine. So there.

Many thanks to VJGM for being my validating beta.

And to Fantasy Mother for her beta skills. How she spoils me.

Um, all I can say in reaction to the last chapter is I'm humbled. Thanks to all who read and thanks to all who offered feedback. Shout outs to my muses: Wanderer417, tazz, jaijaimays, MiaCullen, Khadijadaw, Silly Sad Sarah Twilighted, Anais Mark, Valeira, blue2185, MLogan, Emily1672, Pillowbiter, chloe9, nofangsallowed, lea2009, SueBob, Pomme_de_terre, fanficreader83, jenejes, Mizra, Elphabacy35, Sariedee, pclo, lisamackb, NightCullen, June, Merrisol, Rgwmnks, Sonecrackle, Duckiclover, Azrielstar, tapiana, oncebitten, Notmyself, Sheeijan, Squarepancake, Robs_Muse, Sweetswirlypop, LJSummers, Maddy Green Eyes, dellatwi, BellaS, Disney Vampire, Redsoxlove, teeheeitsme, JustJasmine, Gwen69, Miss Poison, JlJohnson, Merciless Vixen, Rebeka13, .Yamii.16, Pamela J. Austin, Angelbach, Forest Sentry Koneji, Codelina, Mamato, Viridis73, CullenPearl, Ldybnny, TwilightMomofTwo, CindyWindy, Mutt N. Feathers, Luv4edwardcullen, PurpleMadDragon, RedneckAngel, Amortentia_4u, and Solenoidbella.

Sorry there was a delay, the scene with Tanya, Irina, and Kate that I initially wrote, I didn't like. It didn't meet my "that's just so wrong" meter. So I tore it out and started from scratch. I like this version much better, and hope you do as well.

The things you need to remember from past chapters for this chapter are: first, Bella is non-confrontational - she still hasn't talked to her Father or Mother about that whole lying to her about her injury issue. Second, Mary Alice told Edward that Bella could never get into a van with Tyler Crowley and the vision she showed him cause him to blow up bridges in ire. Third, Sue and Harry pointed out on their visit to the Cullens that Bella is not a "touchy" person and they can't believe she allows Edward to touch her. And Edward has been awfully touchy by his standards in the last chapter. Using the wolf powers causes Edward extreme pain and he's having to multi-task and keep a firm hold on his stress level because if it goes out of control, so too do his powers.

The newborns created utter chaos with their arrival at Forks' high. In desperation, the Cullens summoned Tanya, Kate, and Irina for technical tramp support. Edward is terrified his soul-scarred singer will attract undue attention resulting in unpleasant conversations with Italian immortal officials. The Cullens are trying to determine if the newborns are the first wave of Violet Gorgon's insidious attack. She still hasn't called. Or written. The wench. And so we begin. I feel the need to warn you that this chapter contains mature content. Really mature content. Starched Shirt Edward is shrieking in outrage kind of content. Jugurtha, however, thinks it's totally hot. Just sayin'

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Heart of Darkness – Part Twenty-Seven: Oh the Depravity! The newborns and Tyler Crowley must die! Not necessarily in that order.

There. Delighted to be of assistance, I acted. Now that was an appropriate show of force. I sent a wave of energy in Jasper's direction as he and my siblings stood across from the newborns ostensibly greeting them. I recalled Hezekiah had claimed I possessed the ability to decrease blood lust in proximity to my girlfriend. Since Jasper and the hungry newborns were awfully close to said girlfriend in immortal terms, I acted to protect her. And the Quileute spirits graciously obliged as I zinged another blast toward my errant sibling. Even better, seeing as the bleeding too much by hungry immortal standards unconscious male, Mr. Exposed to Disproportionate Jiggly Parts on the floor, was part Quileute, doing so ensured protection for his sake as well. I thought it signified an even deal. She and he both received supernatural protection along with all the other mortals in the room.

And like flipping a switch, accompanied by the not so gentle clap of Emmett's rib-cracking one armed man pseudo-embrace, my emo brother's gift stopped gadding about inflicting mixed emotions on the environment. Instead, his formidable pride sparked to life.

Mary Sue newborn thought, "Oh, I'm totally staying here. Our powers seem to agree with the locale. I think we've become stronger! I can't wait to do this again!" The others mirrored her attitude. Idiots, every one. Unless Violet Gorgon was an evil genius, who kept idiots on beck and call, these women, while irritating, would not be a pile of ashes any time soon. Unfortunately.

Adopting a tranquil expression that I knew meant he was certainly up to no good, Jasper angrily mastered himself. Then he sent enough waves of peace and remorse and forgiveness and serenity to have the room holding hands and caroling kum-by-yah. Lauren Mallory decided to forget she had been trying to both eat and kiss a potted rubber tree that sat near the window. Jessica Stanley enshrined for all time the memory of kissing Ben Cheney while trying to inhale his masticated spaghetti that was in his mouth. And now on her tongue.

Erik Yorkie definitely wanted to develop amnesia as he had found himself lurching back from the smiling Emily Banks. He mentally chanted, "I am gay. I am gay. I am not attracted to that girl. Even if she is pretty. And nice. I am gay. I am gay." He vowed to renew his subscription to the Advocate. Whatever that was. I didn't know he intended on pursuing a legal career. Who knew? Then he started having thoughts about Jasper's backside. He convinced himself that his brief embrace of Emily Banks helped keep his private life private as it should be. And agreed to take Emily out to the movies that night. Humans.

Mary Alice hissed at her mate in Xeta at vampire pitch, "Jasper, please don't make the room too relaxed or all hell will break loose again with the newborns."

Always thinking ahead, that one.

The newborns didn't like us speaking in languages they could not comprehend. In response, they started speaking Russian amongst themselves thinking, of course, we didn't know that tongue. Morons. We all exercised massive self control and refrained from correcting their grammar. And accent.

It took a minute or two, but the humans, as orchestrated by Jasper, were too calm to be horrified at whose food they'd recently grabbed or face they'd kissed. The gossip fallout would keep them occupied for hours. Wide-eyed, Rosalie blinked innocently at the stupefied school nurse who had come to assist the bleeding basketball player and said, "Mrs. Ottel, I think we just saw emotional contagion, right? I learned all about it on Dr. Phil." She hoped that by the end of the day the administrators would have a nice explanation for the bizarre behavior and could simply forget it ever happened, ascribing it to a fluke.

I reached out with my senses to look for Tanya, Kate, and Irina. They had decided to take Billy Black on a drive and when the film clips from my sisters and brothers arrived, had parked the car to stare in fascination at their phones. Even the overly sedated Billy had complained peeking at Irina's Blackberry, "Those leech whores should not be running loose in that school. Why are you picking on me when they need a lesson in manners?" Silently, he wondered if that last one on the end. Her face looked familiar. That absolutely confirmed in my mind how stupid these women were, if Billy had them in his pornography collection.

Tanya responded with, "They haven't threatened to murder anyone my family cares about Big Boy."

"I never threatened to harm anyone."

"No, you just planned on killing Charlie and Bella Swan and possibly Jacob if he got in the way."

"Why would you care about humans? You're blood suckers." He sounded indignant at the universe.

"True. But those Swan humans have been claimed as family according to the treaty. And we'd have to get involved if they were harmed. Because that makes them my family, too."

"You have no proof I meant to harm anyone," He slurred. Clearly he was overly medicated. We needed Jasper to visit him again. Perhaps Paula, too.

"So you were collecting all those sperm samples to impregnate whom, precisely, William?"

"A surrogate."

"Uh-huh, one named Bella Swan." He appeared pole axed.

"No, I was going to use another woman I found on the internet."

"We searched through your computer files Billy. You've been digging through the Swan's trash trying to track Bella's fertility cycle. We found the records." This was news to me and I decided he most definitely was going to die. Plans be damned. No one dug through my singer's trash. No one but me. And he definitely was disgusting because he actually stole the trash and handled her……I lacked the words to express my ire. I had simply studied it, for research purposes of an entirely other nature.

"So I thought she'd make a good surrogate. That's no crime," he whined.

"It only takes one single sperm to accomplish that job, Billy, not thousands of vials." He looked away from the merriment on her face, reddening. "And we most definitely know that Bella had no idea of your plans. Did Jacob?" Billy's trapped expression answered that query. "You bring an entirely new meaning to the term "fatherly love," my cute little eunuch."

Kate picked that moment to say, "Billy, you're starting to smell awfully tasty right about now. How about not making a peep while we watch these films? We're overdue for a luncheon." He blanched and stared at the phone again.

"Who are they?" He thought they looked familiar. And seemed to have short-term memory problems.

"They are new immortals to the area who are apparently causing chaos at Forks."

"Why don't the others stop them?"

"Because they don't want the children harmed. Right now they are negotiating like civilized beings."

"I have cousins in that school. I demand you remove those blood suckers." Now he cared about his relations? If I hadn't seen the evidence myself, I'd have sworn he was a woman he acted so contrary. Then again, he was drugged, which possibly explained why he was repeating himself.

"William, what was that Kate told you about remaining silent? Thinking here." Tanya cooed. She said in Latvian to Kate and Irina, "This has to be that group we've been hearing about that has been impersonating us. I think we definitely need to teach them a lesson."

"Shall we kill them?" Irina asked hopefully. Blood thirsty, that one.

"No," Kate said, "They haven't really caused harm to our reputation since most people laughed at them. And they only harmed humans, not immortals. I vote to make them suffer rather than kill them."

Irina grumbled, and stared at the film on her phone.

"Sister dear," Tanya tapped her nails on the steering wheel, "We might be attacked by an immortal force in a few days. We need to make sure that this isn't the first wave. And if it is not, then we need them on our side. If the newborns die in combat, so be it."

"What will we do to convince them to fight?"

"The usual."

"Oh. Excellent. I can't wait." Irina positively beamed. Then she turned to Billy. At the expression on her face Billy soiled his diaper and fainted.

Kate tsked at him and said, "How did he manage to kill so many people considering he faints at the mere sight of teeth?"

"He's ingenious at being stupid and surviving, which gives him something in common with the newborns," Tanya snorted. She turned the black BMW around and stomped on the accelerator. "Kate, love, please text them all that we will be there as soon as we can. We have to deposit William at home before we come to play."

"Can't we just leave him by the side of the road? It's not like he's going anywhere." Irina complained.

"Our cousins want him to live and suffer, and that could kill him since his legs don't work. With his luck he'd be eaten by animals. I don't want to disappoint Jasper and Carlisle. So patience. We'll get there."

"Why can't we see Edward's human?" Kate asked.

"Because they don't intend on turning her, for one thing. Carlisle also knows that I would ask her all sorts of questions which might frighten the dull thing to death. And that might put Edward in a snit."

"That doesn't explain it. We go around humans without being detected all the time. And you have enough self control to not question her. And our cousins have left her out of the films they've sent," Irina noted.

"True. We'll have to look into that as well. I suspect it can't be good, whatever Carlisle is not saying. He could be trying to shield us, the daft man." Tanya floored the pedal to the floor at the car zoomed toward Forks. "Hang in there, dear cousins. We're coming to play," Tanya sang. And grinned. "And I can't wait to meet the newborns." Mary Alice hissing at me at vampire pitch to focus pulled me back to the cafeteria and the chaos within.

While nodding at the distracted school nurse in support of his mate, Emmett said at vampire pitch in perfectly pronounced Oscan to the newborns, "I'm Emmett Cullen. This is my mate Rosalie. Alice and Jasper are mates, and this is my brother Edward and his girlfriend Bella. This is a no-hunting humans ground. Eyes on me there, big guy. Focus," he said. Sharply, he snapped his fingers in front of the male immortal's face. Laurent drooled over the fallen and unconscious and bleeding basketball player, and planned a quick trip to the nurse's office. He grew irritated at being told what to do by this "lumbering cretin" who dressed like a common laborer and he felt distressed at hearing the ambulance arrive. That was his lunch!

Three female teachers had to be summoned to assist the young lady whose undergarments were tangled with the unconscious athlete's shoes, because the elderly petite nurse could not handle it on her own. Poor Frumpy Girl hyperventilated, and at an elbow from his mate, Jasper zonked her with an extra dose of kum-bye-yah. I expected to see little birds chirping in circles around her head as Frumpy Girl slumped with a dreamy smile plastered on her face. The entire basketball team materialized along with a few bulky football players, because the paramedics could not lift him from the floor. It took eight of them and a pair of scissors deftly handled by a discreet teacher to disentangle frumpy girl from unconscious boy, lift the fallen player, and transport him to the waiting ambulance. They reminded me for a moment of those cartoons that showed ants creeping along carrying a human sized silver platter with delicious looking food. Wait. Stop that thought.

I swallowed a mouthful of venom. He was not food. That was Fred Wayland, forty-second cousin thrice removed to Hezekiah. With the departure of Mr. Exposed to Disproportionate Jug---I mean Jiggly parts; the students became occupied with cleaning up the area around them, avoiding eye contact with one another. The teacher with the heart condition that had fainted had been evaluated and had decided to lay down in the teacher's lounge for a while. Two colleagues assisted her from the room. Another searched through her purse for the medication bottle she required. Steaming over the spilled milk on his trousers, the gym teacher went around the room helping straighten tables and ensure the children were unharmed. He wondered in his mind, "What the hell was that?"

Mary Sue inwardly sighed, "These infants can't stop us. And they were turned improperly as their eyes are funny – or else they have poor contacts. And the one sitting by the drab immortally marked human needs a haircut." Considering the foolishness of her thoughts, the scary thing is that she actually seemed to be the smartest one of the flock. And I most definitely took exception to her incorrect evaluation of my lovely girlfriend. So I shared her naïve musings with my family using my powers. I scanned their minds to detect the presence of the Gorgon. My siblings looked at me in expectation and I sadly shook my head, "no". Sadly, because that meant we couldn't kill them, at least right away, while holding the moral high ground. These were too young to associate with the haughty Gorgon and her kind. And their minds were too easy to read, their pasts, as well. I continued sending their thoughts to my family. Who agreed. Jasper was exasperated saying under his breath in Tagish, the language from South Yukon, "We do not have time for this. And they could be dupes."

"Although the term infant might be accurate describing us compared to your age, we actually can stop you," Mary Alice replied in lilting tones, "seeing as we can read your minds and the future, and your gifts don't work on us. Our irises are from drinking animal blood." She managed to gloss over the whole Jasper beaming lust to everyone and confusion – and the newborns in their stupidity decided with excitement that their own powers must have grown. And they believed those odd vampires were so lying their tongues off. Since they were not mentally linked, they had no idea that we had been accurate in reading Mary Sue's thoughts. And Mary Sue wasn't telling. She, too, thought it was a lucky guess on Mary Alice's part. One cracked her knuckles in anticipation as she put down her tray. They took seats at a table across from my siblings. To the humans watching it all appeared friendly.

Angela walked by and waved at our table as my girlfriend smiled in response. Miss Webber passed in close proximity to the newborns. One of the slatterns seated at the end of the table nearest the path humans walked, Carol Lynn, actually tried to reach out and fondle poor Angela as she passed. I couldn't have that. Without moving a muscle, my Quileute powers mysteriously forced themselves into being as I pled in my mind for aid from the spirits. Using my gift, I jerked Carol Lynn's chair back at the exact second the aforementioned newborn trollop's hand would have made contact at supernatural speed and much against her will made her hand rest flat on the table while glowing green. Snapping her fingers, Mary Alice said, "See? Saw that one coming a mile away." Carol Lynn stared at her chair as if it had grown feet and gaped at her still glowing to immortal eyes palm. Her sisters realized one of us had the power to move objects and thought that was so hot and they couldn't wait to see, sexually speaking, how they could use it to play. Considering everyone was occupied with pretending the past five minutes hadn't happened, none of the humans noticed anything different about our table.

Jasper said softly. "We don't touch humans like that here, either. It's rude unless they ask, and vulgar doing it in public. And you'll stand out." He was playing it mild. "If you would like to visit the local hospital, the leader of our coven works as a surgeon. He can supply you with fresh bags of human blood. Or if you are especially hungry," the entire deluded family nodded eagerly, "we'll send for some to be brought for you. What brings you to Forks?" Jasper began his questioning in a deceptively mild manner. That smile of his was potent. Offering them blood a master stroke of evil. And, of course, he actually meant to do so as he texted Father. Four of the newborns started fanning themselves at the sight of his pearly teeth and fast fingers. Two of them chirped in their pea-sized brains that they were going to have to change their thongs. That proved my point as to their stupidity as clearly the women all wore patent black leather high heeled shoes, and I saw no sign they carried extra pairs with them. Marcia had explained female footwear to me.

"Miss Marcia also explained to us female undergarments. Remember?" Jugurtha said over his fifth best leer. Oh. Right. Ew. This was the part that I would ordinarily start tuning out, whistling something irritating to ignore the most unwelcome observations of extravagant and, might I add, disgusting detail. I much preferred bikinis and boyshorts. None of that thong business for my girlfriend. It appeared painful, not to mention unhygienic. And with her bad luck, she might be required spontaneously to burst into fits of fleeing from fleet footed purple-eyed red-eyed immortals. A thong would surely make simply movement uncomfortable. We couldn't have that even if they would show off that birthmark----never mind. Emmett thought in his mind, "This wolf gift of yours is kinda cool Edward. Even though I know it disgusts you, we need you to beam their thoughts to us. It'll confuse the heck out of them." Duly inspired, I focused on aiding my family. Oh the sacrifices and torment I endured for their sake. And hers.

"You are ogling them," I scolded Jugurtha, who leaned against the wall fiddling with his nails.

Without breaking his stare he shrugged his shoulders. "It's a free country, and they are most definitely giving handouts. I may be on a diet, but that doesn't mean I cannot appreciate the menu."

Mary Sue's dulcet voice drew me back to their parlay. "We heard the weather was ideal for blending in with humans. We're tired of the night. We were in Nevada before."

I gathered from Betty whatever's mind that one of them had slipped and had drank her latest human conquest dry. Ella Joy apparently became a bit too jubilant while working as a showgirl with her choreographer. They'd had to burn down the entire showplace to hide the evidence. Which seemed an awful lot of effort to go to for one 120 pound male. Haven't they ever heard of hiding the bodies in the desert? Vultures needed food, too. Were they excessively foolish when they were mortals? Given how ruthless the Volturi were, how were they even alive?

"They definitely look like the type who would take their clothes off in Las Vegas,"

Starched Shirt Edward's scathing glance surveyed them like a clergyman sitting in a den of iniquity. In this case at least, he was right. These tramps made Tanya seem like haute couture of vampire trashy behavior.

I couldn't let Starched Shirt Edward know he was right and had to tease him. "Since we've never been inside or watched one of those establishments how would you know?" I goaded him. "And you are having impure thoughts." He shifted from foot to foot but held his place by grinning Jugurtha, who watched the chaos unfold like a gourmet appreciating a feast.

Mary Sue's slumberous gaze landed on my human and I heard her thoughts, "Humans have the attention span of a fruit fly. I've never seen one that was constant. More fun for me. They'll never last. Mine don't." From her mind she thought the truth – her version of it anyway. I could not help it if she lost her appeal around humans. Beauty without brains was dreary. As my girlfriend had both qualities in abundance, I would never suffer that fate. I still had my arm around the back of my dear little one's chair as I toyed with a lock of her hair.

Mary Sue wondered, "I can see bright color coming from that human. And why does that delectable boy look like he wants to fuse himself to her side? We're far more attractive, experienced, and limber. We could show them all a good time. Wait," she caught sight of my palm, "he was the one who marked her with his brand. Talk about territoriality. I've never seen this done to a human. I thought him naughty for toying with someone else's snack. But this? And that is a totally cool venom tattoo on his hand, must have hurt to get. Not that I've even considered it but why would he bother to stamp her that much? Humans have the attention span of a gnat in comparison to us." Shining through her clothing, the gyrfalcons shifted on her glaring balefully at the newborns. FitzCarrion was the only one they could directly see and he snarled when they studied my little bottle cap. How curious. My singer didn't seem to notice at all. The newborns other than Mary Sue blithely ignored the "do not touch" immortal vampire postage stamps glowing out of my girlfriend's clothing.

Brazenly beaming lower level "let's lose our inhibitions" signals like a miniature version of Tanya - and fortunately in my case, a decidedly less powerful one, they addressed us. One of them, Addie Mae, decided she without question wanted to make my girlfriend her new human best friend. Her concept of play time, however, left much to be desired. Scratch that. Would happen on a cold day in Hades. No one played like that with my girlfriend. No one except me. Although in my fantasies she was better portrayed, dressed, and more satisfied than in theirs. They made Mike Newton's depraved visions look eloquent.

Addie Mae sent my perplexed girlfriend a smoldering glance, thinking, "Just because he marked her doesn't mean I can't make him share. She's too delicious looking to waste all on one vampire." I offered Addie Mae an icy "over my un-dead body," expression she seemed to find endearing, as if I were a toddler standing in her way. The other one ran her fingernails languidly down the front of her blouse cooing that "he is just the hottest thing and I can't wait to taste him," out loud. Fine, that's how it was going to be. We were going to involve the humans with verbal out loud sparring? They had crossed the line. The one attempting to influence my girlfriend appeared perplexed that she was not reacting to her waves of lowering inhibitions, or her all but panting on her from five feet away. How hilarious. Emmett pretended they were talking about him as all the fake conversation at the nearby tables ceased and said, "Why, thank you for the compliment ladies, but I am off the menu."

I said nothing, keeping track of the power usage, squeezing the shoulder of my girlfriend in support. The newborns decided they simply needed to try harder. As one of them opened her mouth to speak, I decided to let them see the many power rings that surrounded my girlfriend. And let my head explode into supernatural flame. Ella Joy decided that my human must be some kind of sexual athlete for me to guard her so fiercely and thought I was playing hard to get.

Mary Alice predicted whenever the newborns walked into a room sheer chaos would ensue. Laurent, by her predictions, made Gianni the Groper appear like a nun in church in terms of behavior. And why they didn't capitalize the first letter of their last name was not only un-grammatical but peculiar. This was not helped by their questionable taste in wardrobe which left them shockingly bare. Why not hang a sign around their neck that advertised their rate? Oh, that's right, they typically didn't charge unless the price was a human life.

The coven had long ago discovered they loved having sexual relations and they cared not which gender they engaged in said behavior with as long as they had multiple partners present for multiple sessions. And they had escaped Volturi notice because they were an unclaimed lost coven. From their memories they were not affiliated with the other lost covens, although they had been turned by one. Apparently the immortal had decided they weren't worth the effort to keep. By Volturi law, abandoning a freshly bitten vampire was punishable by death. The lost covens had no such rule. And appeared to be smarter. Being stuck with these tarts for their early years would be a nightmare.

The newborns with their superior view of themselves as sexual public servants reminded me of me at my rebellious years. I had thought I was helping humanity, too. Yet I had never had sexual relations with anyone including, might I add, myself. Back then. And it hadn't mattered to me how many lives I drank, nor did it matter to the newborns how many lives they ruined. Further, it was their lack of discrimination in terms of taste. They were aroused, they claimed, by the fragility of the humans they seduced. And they had to move often because they had accidents from time to time. In their mutual mind, by having sex with humans they were performing a public service – giving their partners the best sexual experience of his or her or their lives – provided they survived without becoming a snack. They definitely needed to be put in a room with Tanya and her sisters.

Speaking of which, the newborns might have been egalitarian in their sexual habits, but they were most definitely not in the 'who gets to become immortal' department. The newborns had never met a human male or female they had wanted to turn, so when some unfortunate soul was bitten, they would finish him or her off, hide the body and leave town. So far they had never been caught. We knew they would not last a week in Forks. Mike Newton would die first. Unfortunately, we had to work to save his life.

Mary Alice thought to me, "I think they have some kind of gift that keeps them alive as strange as that sounds." I nodded, as that was the only explanation I could Tyler Crowley had to go and ruin my day. My week in fact.

He desired to enrage the unlovely Miss Mallory and intended utilizing my human as the tool to accomplish this simple feat. Instead of latching onto one of the ever so eager newborns who would have been overjoyed, each last one of them, Laurent included, in assisting Mr. Crowley in his endeavor, he aimed for mine.

I generously permitted him to remain in one piece because unlike Newton, Mr. Crowley actually thought of my human with respect, and I currently had my hands full with the newborns, maintaining the wolf ring at the house, around the pack as well, as Paula barked orders at them to patrol the perimeter and called the retired elders to take positions where they could see anyone approaching the reservation who didn't belong. And I had to keep the barriers intact around my family in the cafeteria as well as the set surrounding my dear little bottle cap as I felt a jolting pain lance through me. Someone was knocked at the door with their usual perfect timing. I begged the geezer shamans for aid. Tyler could sit with us for a few moments. I had priorities. I sagged for a moment against her shoulder. I needed her touch like a starving man requires food. She patted my arm and said, "Headache?"

"Mmm" was all I could say. She reached into my bag and retrieved the fake pain medication – fake by immortal standards, real by human, though. "Here, Edward."

I took the pills she dispensed and swallowed it down, knowing I'd have to regurgitate it later when I had a spare moment or two. Which at this rate would be never.

Besides, beyond wanting to spending time with her pretending to date, Tyler's thoughts were totally consumed with that she-devil Lauren. Also, it might do me good to watch the more socially adept humans dating or attempting to in his case. I know my girlfriend's heart did not race at the sight of Tyler. And he was quite popular in the minds of the young ladies at school. This was a safe experiment to see if she preferred my company. Besides, Lauren, since they quarreled, had behaved insufferably. And Rosalie had said this morning my human girlfriend needed to have a sense of control in her life. I could do that. I inhaled to take in the power of her scent to dull the edge of the pain that swept through me.

My dear little algae lover seemed to have a sixth sense that she was being watched by Tyler. At first she seemed genuinely confused, having been diverted due to the confusion of the newborn's attack. Then wary. I decided I had to help him in his plan as his presence would save me from having to have conversations with my girlfriend while I supernaturally fought. I invited him to join us at lunch when he was standing by our table. She pitched daggers at me with her eyes. I smiled back at her benevolently. I had to show my singer without, alas, breaking any more bones of irritating human males, that she would not be spending time with anyone but me. The newborns tittered at me. I ignored the cretins. Sort of. Fine, at least on this issue. I had lives to save.

In Xeta, I whispered at vampire pitch to Mary Alice, feigning ignorance, "Where is Tanya?"

Glumly, my sister answered, "She texted me that she's an hour away. But they most definitely are coming. I've been sending her film clips from my phone."

I checked in at the house to make sure the pack were still in their cage, I mean, moving around the cottages. They were currently bounding through the woods and arguing over who could stench-splode the fastest. I heard a voice clearing uncomfortably near me and turned to examine my dear little bottle cap who appeared to have coughed. Using my senses I conducted as much of a medical exam as I could get away with in public and found her lungs to be their usual level of wheeziness. She did not have a fever. Nor did she seem congested. I wondered if she was coming down with another illness.

Tyler was oblivious about my relationship with my human. He thought that by inviting him to their table I had given my blessing to ask her on an excursion and that I must have odd space issues as I had my arm around her shoulder. Since he had observed my supply of painkillers on the table, he decided I was simply drugged to the gills. My girlfriend put them away and reached over to the portable chess set I always carried in my messenger bag. She challenged Tyler to a game. Tyler announced, "You like chess? Awesome! I play it all the time." She destroyed him in three minutes. She was far nicer than I would have been in her place.

"So uh Bella, do you want to go see a movie?" he tried to get her to meet his gaze. In vain, of course.

"What movie is the group planning on seeing?" she appeared cautious taking forever to answer him, studying the board.

"Oh it's not the group." He imbued warmth into his tone. How was that different from my voice? Why was he considered better? Wait. He wasn't by the only vote that mattered. She appeared uncomfortable. He lacked my charms, I chortled in glee in the privacy of my thoughts. Even the newborns agreed from their table that he would fail. That was eight votes in my favor. This was totally fair as an experiment. Starched Shirt Edward was too busy praying to vote, and Jugurtha reserved his opinion.

"They always see a movie on Friday night. Is it a smaller group this week?"

"No, uh, they have plans so it's only me. I wanted to take you on Friday. Final Destination 3 is out and the series is awesome. I know you'll totally love it."

My girlfriend blushed and stared at the table. She let the silence stretch out to the point even I felt uncomfortable although I tried to show my support of her with my eyes by keeping them on Tyler to allow her not to feel like she was the center of attention. Seventy-six seconds later she said, "I'm sorry Tyler but I'm going to be busy that night. Thank you for asking, though."

She turned to me and said, "Edward, how is your head?"

"Fine." I answered, as I returned to checking the strength of the rings and searching the minds of the newborns for connections to the Violet Gorgon. I also had to mentally join Grace and scour the area for trace of any other immortals as this definitely could have served as a diversion. I couldn't let my family down. Or my girlfriend.

Tyler continued, "What about Saturday? We could catch a matinee?"

Silence.

"I'll be spending the weekend with family friends." Her blood pressure appeared to be raising. Curious indeed. She was shy after all. This much talking must have been difficult for her. I was proud of her for her improvement in conversation skills. Grace found traces of tracks off to the north. We followed their path and realized they most likely came from the lost coven that guarded my dear little algae lover's farm. And of course, we found their spirits lurking in the cave and informed them mentally of the newborns and their gifts. It was a simple matter of professional courtesy. They'd be on the lookout for other immortals, they insisted. Tyler's wheedling tone and flushing face caught my attention for a brief moment.

"All weekend? Won't they let you out with time off for good behavior?" He laughed at his own joke.

"But I don't want to leave them."

My singer shifted uncomfortably in her seat. I couldn't imagine why. She had already told him no. Perhaps she was simply kind-hearted and felt guilty for embarrassing him in front of me. I noticed she glanced at me once or twice with longer than her usual 2 second gazes. Since she seemed to be managing Mr. Crowley with little effort, I remained silent to show my support and went back to work. She could take care of herself. I was trying not to be possessive and smiled in my munificence. I wanted to show her and my family that she had some control in her life. Or at least let her think it.

Emmett turned from his hissed negotiations with the newborns as he explained the treaty and whispered to me at vampire pitch, "Edward, what the heck are you doing?"

I responded, "I'm sending the newborn's mental thoughts to you, like you asked."

"Not that you oaf. What are you doing with Bella?" he sniped.

"I'm following Rosalie's instructions and conducting an experiment which so far is fascinating." My voice possibly sounded too eager in their minds.

Even Mary Sue shook her head in our direction and made that curious gesture with her palm across her throat in a sawing motion like she was decapitating herself. I wish. Considering she had centuries more experience with humans than I did, I took that as a sign of support as well as her telling Emmett to cease pestering me and return to their parlay. She thought something in her mind about how my drab little human wasn't even trying to make me jealous. See? I knew this would work. Rosalie said to give her a sense of control and I was indeed fulfilling that assignment. Magnificently, might I add?

My sister was currently engaged in a debate with Mary Sue about the appropriateness of their clothing for Forks' dress code. Rosalie insisted they'd be sent home within the hour. Alice mentally predicted they'd be undressed within the hour. Rosalie had time to say, "Not that kind of control Edward. Be nicer," before she returned to arguing about hemlines. Girls. Of all the things to debate at a time like this, they fretted over fashion and paperwork? My family definitely needed my aid. And balancing these wolf powers and communicating with my girlfriend appeared to become easier with practice, I noticed.

Tyler and my singer played again. This time she showed restraint and slayed him in six moves, handily winning again. Tyler broke out in a sweat as he looked into my human's sympathetic eyes. His thoughts amused me. At first, he intended to pretend to woo her with his finesse in the game, after losing two in a row, he decided that his objective of driving Lauren insane could be reached simply by acting nice to my human. As long as Lauren could see him smiling at my lovely little bottle cap from her perch across the room, he thought, his mission was accomplished. He snuck a glance to a hissing Lauren coiled and rattling in her seat. Mr. Crowley might not have been the sharpest tool in the garden shed, but he did understand his occasional girlfriend.

Lauren viewed Tyler's performance seething oily plumes of malice, "What the hell does he think he's doing with that klutz? And look at her. Not only does she have to have Edward Cullen slobbering on her," how misguided Lauren was. I could only dream of the day my dear little one slobbered on me. Jugurtha slapped the back of my head and snarled, "Focus," as I returned to Lauren's rant, "but she wants to take my Tyler, too? I think the whole high school needs to hear that rumor about her having had an abortion of Cullen's brat which is the real reason why she missed so much school. I wasn't getting too many people to believe that leprosy story, anyway. This one sounds nastier. And I gotta keep the attention off of those whores that walked in. I'm so telling everyone they have STD's."

Lauren required a lesson, I decided. Starched Shirt Edward curled his lip in revulsion and said, "We do not have a problem with her alerting others to the dangers of those diseases, but as for the rest she most definitely must be stopped."

From across the room Jasper hissed, "Edward, Bella is humiliated. And she's hurt. Start talking. Now. Declare yourself her boyfriend, you imbecile." He returned to verbal jousting with Dallas Faith, asking her about her history in Europe.

How could Tyler asking her to a silly talkie motion picture harm her feelings? Human women were so confusing. And the last time I had acted "boyfriendly" in public she had questioned me afterwards on the day of the Clearwaters visit to the house. She didn't want me acting that way before others unless Jacob was present. And my calculations had indicated she had a 96% chance of rejecting him. I had done my homework. How could the odds be in my favor and she be feeling hurt? What did Tyler do to cause her distress? Rosalie had said I had needed to give her a sense of control. Her turning him down would have shown that. I sulked because I couldn't break his legs. Or make him explode. Although I could do other, more creative things.

Jugurtha said, "If you aren't going to lay claim to her, the least you can do is make Lauren suffer." Brilliant. The Lauren suffering part. It's not like I would ever declare myself in front of a whole group of mere humans. That required talking. More than I liked, anyhow. And more than I could accomplish at the moment. Why say words, when I could simply show her?

Talking to my siblings required too much energy. Instead I simply interrupted the flow of the newborns' thoughts to send Lauren's instead. To the fascinated eyes of the newborns, my entire family inhaled in rage and transformed from their friendly façade as they turned at supernatural speed to glare at Lauren.

"I think Lauren should feel a wave of inappropriate lust towards Tyler right about now, don't you?" I predicted at vampire frequency in Sian, a little known dialect from Malaysia. The newborns did not speak that tongue either and Mary Sue wondered what Lauren had done to enrage them. They were kind of scary looking, even if they were babies.

Despite that whole murdering people for decades, Jasper was, at times, a gentleman. And he totally threw all that fine upbringing out the window when he heard Lauren's plans. He answered in kind, "Since it's Lauren and the humiliation potential is high and she has been looking at Alice in a mean way all day, and she's glaring at Bella - I'm about to unleash some major passion on her. Besides, I think our new guests need a proper demonstration of power which they'll think they did since they're so foolish. Batten down the hatches. Lusty Lauren is about to make tongues wag all across Forks." Jasper sounded excited.

He cracked a smile as the entire family hissed at him, "Be careful!" wanting to avoid arousing the already over-sexed newborns.

I kept my face impassive as he thought of the last time he had marital relations with my sister and his signature move with his as she ….. Why was it that Jasper could block out traumatic years from his life and mine were enshrined pristinely for all time? I devoutly wished I could develop selective amnesia.

I pretended not to notice Lauren as her temperature rose and her eyes fogged over with lust as she simpered at Tyler. Lauren's mind could not understand how she could be plotting to kill that Swan – wench, I believe, was the loose translation of the term - one moment and wanting to tear Tyler's clothes off the next. It was time to claim her man, she decided. Standing up and adjusting the straps of her brassiere and smoothing her shirt, and trying to inconspicuously tug on the lower hem of her undergarments with her pinched index fingers and thumbs, she pranced to the table, oozing what she considered to be allure. Frankly her facial expression resembled a constipated horse we once owned, or was it a mule? Definitely a mule. It had become so ornery Jasper had eaten it. Like the cat.

The newborns found fault with her shoes. That was one point in their favor. Carol Lynn said at vampire pitch, "Those pumps are so last season ago." The others nodded, sagely.

Addie Mae said, "Her hair is all wrong."

Mary Sue sighed, "That sour face could frighten vampires."

As Lauren approached our table, blood and lust in her eyes, she planned her verbal assault on my singer. Seeing those new red-headed girls who were all stunning had put her in a devil of a temper. Now she had seven little forces of competition for attention running around, and she couldn't tell them apart. Of course, that meant she had to pick on the quiet girl in order to show everyone who was boss. The table where Edward and the klutz sat was oh so conveniently located to offer a free show for the new kids.

Rosalie turned away from the newborns to say, "Lauren, perhaps you and Tyler can work your differences out so the rest of us can eat in peace. And enjoy the silence."

"It also might help make the wrinkles on your face smooth." Mary Sue added helpfully, as her sisters nodded in unison, before they returned to badgering Emmett and Rosalie and Jasper and Alice at vampire pitch. To human ears they were debating the merits of collegiate football.

Lauren was horrified at the idea of having wrinkles, and even more so at having the new girls point it out to her. She had a modeling career ahead of her, she knew she did. Tyler leapt up with an apologetic wince at my human and took Lauren's hand. He said in a wheedling tone, "Honey, let's go out to my car and find your mirror and we'll see if we can see any wrinkles in the sunshine, ok? You know the light in the cafeteria is harsh and makes everyone look all pasty." Clearly, he was well practiced at this kind of thing.

Erik Yorkie snorted to himself, "God, I wonder if Tyler is in the closet as well and using Lauren for cover. What straight guy kept multiple mirrors in his car? And I have caught him staring at the Emmett's ass several times. He was definitely an ass man."

"We find the deer blood quells our appetites and allows us control," Jasper interrupted his vampire pitch speech with a 'pardon me,' and targeted another blast at Miss Mallory. Lauren threw her arms around Mr. Crowley, and planted what she considered to be a scorching kiss on him. Doing a not-so-charming impression of a pelican, she wrapped one leg around him standing there in the middle of the cafeteria. Hopping on the other, she roughly pushed Tyler against the wall with her claw-like appendages.

Starched Shirt Edward looked up from a tome of Saint Thomas Aquinas and said, "She planned on spreading an untruth about our dear little one – a monstrous untruth. I think she should suffer more." He quietly advocated removing her tongue with red hot pliers.

"She appears to be trying to asphyxiate him with her tongue," Jugurtha observed dispassionately. "And you really should ask our dear little one to be your girlfriend. Now would be opportune," he advised, as the newborns studied Lauren with professional accuracy and dismissed her as an amateur.

Dallas Faith thought Lauren needed lessons on the proper use of one's tongue while kissing, and noted Lauren's hands looked crablike as they roamed Tyler's buttocks too quickly by her standards. Once again, that was another point in their favor. The being amateur, not the tongue part. Or the buttocks. I had no interest in Tyler's buttocks unless they were attached to his legs and he was leaving the room. Hopefully, with Lauren. Which at present he wasn't. Drat.

Thinking of that comment about her tongue distracted me. Well that particular part of her could certainly serve as a weapon, or a display in a butcher shop window. Tyler did not seem to mind one bit the idea of his imminent demise.

The Vice Principle, Mrs. Corelli, summoned by the cafeteria staff smartly tapped Lauren on the shoulder and cleared her throat, glaring at the duo. Lauren ignored her (Tyler too) and continued enthusiastically attempting to inhale all the oxygen from his body with her lip lock like a sucking vortex. She had somehow added inappropriate motions with her hips to her repertoire, thanks to another blast from Jasper directed solely at her. Mary Sue sniffed that dreadful human girl couldn't even move her hips properly to entice men, and felt sorry that their out of control powers couldn't have been harnessed earlier in other locations. She couldn't wait to practice more. Jasper's face stayed smooth as I beamed that misguided assumption to my family.

Mrs. Corelli tapped Lauren's shoulder again and said, "Ahem." Without looking, Lauren face palmed her and continued kissing Tyler like her life depended on it. Perhaps Mr. Crowley was unusual for a mortal and could breathe through his ears?

Emmett moved from his seat and happened to catch Mrs. Corelli in his arms. He solicitously inquired, "Hey are you ok, Mrs. Corelli?"

We could smell the blood pooling under her skin and knew she'd have a black eye. Mary Alice ran to get an ice pack from the kitchen, grabbing Dallas Faith by the hand most likely to keep her from misbehaving. Dallas Faith wondered if Mary Alice wanted a quick shag in the kitchen. What did carpet have to do with the current events? Oh. Never mind. Mrs. Corelli appeared quite angry. Lauren and Tyler were still kissing, ignoring the cafeteria that watched them in morbid fascination.

Somebody whispered loudly from the table the school band occupied, "I always thought she kissed like an eel."

Shouts of merriment burst across the room. The bespectacled string bean-thin speaker high-fived the male sitting next to him and both made appropriate masculine grunting noises.

Emmett said to Mrs. Corelli as she lunged, held immobile in his arms, "Um, Mrs. Corelli, Ma'am, would you mind looking at that window for 5 seconds?

"Why would I want to do that Mr. Cullen?" she seethed, reaching for Lauren again.

"Plausible deniability," he stage whispered.

Her hand froze as she pretended to be stretching her arms like a boxer before a round, shrugging off his hands. "Mr. Cullen, as long as no bones are broken, I plan on occupying myself for a minute. Have fun. Don't ruin the new paint job on the walls." She muttered through a fixed smile. She could have had a second career as a ventriloquist.

Mrs. Corelli made a show of dropping her watch on the floor in the direction of the window. As a matter of fact, it almost looked like she flung it. And the watch skimmed across the wooden floor like a hockey puck. She walked quite slowly for Mrs. Corelli's usual marching pace to retrieve her property and stared the students that would have moved from their seats to fetch it for her into sitting like statues. Mary Alice and a sulking Dallas Faith returned with an ice pack and handed it to Mrs. Corelli, "You should put this on your eye, Mrs. Corelli, it's going to bruise."

Mrs. Corelli, who volunteered at the local battered women's shelter, now reached a level of anger that impressed Jasper, who did his best to block her.

Emmett reached over and lifted Tyler from Lauren's death-like maw of horror putting his hands on both of them to pry them apart. Tyler came up, gasping for air. A long trail of drool between the mouths of the would-be lovers - as my brother pried them apart - made the students in the immediate area squeal in disgust. Tyler's arms reached out for Lauren as he cried, "Honey bunch!" Mrs. Corelli all but leapt on Lauren like a linebacker making a sack.

Emmett said to Mrs. Corelli, glancing at Tyler's obvious personal difficulty with his trousers, "If you don't mind, I think our friend Tyler could use some bracing air, and he'll be in your office in," he stared at his watch, "six minutes, won't you Tyler?"

The young Mr. Crowley looked like a doll in Emmett's huge hands. Firmly believing that Emmett might kill him if he disagreed, he nodded eagerly as my brother cheerfully led him from the room by the throat. Lauren wailed, trying to chase, chanting, "Mine. He's Mine!" That woman has possessiveness issues and was making a complete ninny of herself. Mary Alice grabbed her by the other arm, preventing her escape.

My evil in all the right ways sister Mary Alice then said innocently, "Oh gracious, has someone considered testing her for a mental imbalance? She doesn't look like she's on drugs." Then she let go of Lauren.

Tottering in her stiletto heels, Lauren failed to see the applesauce conveniently placed on the floor by a young lady whose lack of physical attributes had been mocked by the shrew the day before. Lauren slipped, fell, and broke a heel. Alas, Mrs. Corelli, when noting Lauren's balance issues had let go of her and delightfully watched her land. Ms. Mallory immediately started wailing about her precious shoes and their untimely demise. She had broken her second pair of Jimmy Choos in a month. I would have to research the subject but she appeared to suffer from an addiction to footwear. The only other case I knew like it was Imelda Marcos. Clearly, a rare neurosis. And now she wore applesauce all over her clothing. Oddly, the smell of apples was not objectionable. Not that they were on her, the smell of them across the room felt pleasant. Lauren continued her wailing, "And the dry cleaners don't get that Armani skirts need special handling. But what could you expect of workers who were confined in juvenile hall?" she sniffed.

Rosalie looked askance at Lauren and said loud enough to be overheard by the entire room, "Good looks wear off, but stupid is forever."

Jasper nodded and said, "I have the suspicion that she'd complain loudly if she was hung with a new rope."

Mrs. Corelli acquired a gleam in her eye, as Dallas Faith lifted Lauren from the floor like a pebble. Leading a limping Lauren out by the arm, Mrs. Corelli announced in an overly meant to be heard by the entire room loud voice, "Lauren, you have earned sixty hours of Spartan service once the police are finished with you." The room gasped. "I'm also going to have to contact Tyler's parents to see if they wanted to charge you with assaulting their underage son. I wonder how you'll fare in the local juvenile hall facilities." The entire room winced. Lauren in jail? No one saw that coming. Sixty hours was unheard of in Forks recent memory. Detention at Forks High was called Spartan service. Usually it consisted of having to help the janitors and perform maintenance work around the school. Mrs. Corelli planned on making sure Lauren had to clean by hand the girls' restroom before and after school every day for the rest of the school year.

Mike Newton with his double-casted legs said, "Can I just say a big thank you to Emmett Cullen? Let's raise our glass in a toast. He just prevented the birth of the spawn of Satan." The entire cafeteria raised a glass and toasted to their dishonor with a rousing, "here, here." When he wasn't fixated on my human, Mike could be amusing with his own brand of Newtonian logic.

My singer had watched the entire spectacle with her hand over her mouth trying not to make any noise. For a moment, when she saw the two lovebirds kissing she had almost appeared sad before her features became aghast. When Lauren slipped and fell, my girlfriend surprised me by appearing concerned for the shrew's welfare. Clearly my idea of her as selfless was justified. Even the sight of someone who had humiliated her suffering social disgrace aroused pity in her. I had no memories of ever being that kind. The Real Me could never compare to such purity.

In her mind Lauren decided this was all that Swan girl's fault for attempting to steal her Tyler. On her way out the door the shrieking Lauren stopped for a second to hiss at a quiet girl, "What are you looking at, you moron?"

My singer winced at the deed.

"Sticks and stones and all," I soothed.

"Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will always hurt you," she answered in a small voice.

Once the hysteria and bonhomie in the room calmed down, I turned to her hoping to challenge her to a game of chess, eager to make up for my inattention. The newborns appeared to be behaving; the rings around the house the wolves and my dear little one remained in place. The pack bounded about happily on our property sniffing away for red-eyed people. And Grace and I could find no other supernatural forces in our territory. My girlfriend was standing holding her uneaten tray in her hands. I stood, as a gentleman should.

"Aren't you going to finish your meal? You need your strength."

"I'm no longer hungry. I need to work on my English paper. See you." She said that so quickly.

She walked eyes down past the table holding my stupefied siblings and steered clear of the newborns and the applesauce on the floor.

Mary Alice said at vampire pitch, "Edward, go after her."

The newborns all followed her path with their eyes as she walked and three of them and Laurent were inappropriately visually fondling her hindquarters. Which was wrong. And that irritated me.

"Why? She needs to concentrate." I left out that I didn't want to follow her like a puppy dog, and appear subservient to a marked allegedly by me human before the newborns. It concerned me to see she refrained from touching her lunch, but I'd see she ate something highly caloric later when we did one of our world vacations after school. I knew full well she'd had a healthy breakfast. Perhaps she was still full from all that food. Besides, I was divinely inspired. I would save the virtue and lives of countless Forks teenagers. And the bottoms of my girlfriend and her friend, too.

Powering up my laptop, with a phony email account, I pretended to be Mrs. Stanley and contacted Mrs. Corelli in concern about a rumor my child had texted me from school. Porn stars that were young enough to pass for teenagers were actively recruiting for co-stars trying to get children to not only strip naked and behave in scandalous manners, and risk their lives, but even worse, to abandon high school. And this parent definitely wanted her daughter to graduate, go to college, and avoid becoming a tart. And the porn stars had to go. Fingers flying in a flurry, I posted that missive with the trace of a smirk. My family and even the newborns wondered at my mirth. I couldn't help if they didn't know I'd just checkmated the newborns. I was modest. Quiet, too.

I tracked my girlfriend's progress as she walked briskly down the hall to ensure no other red-eyed people leapt from behind a trophy case or set of lockers. Her English paper was not due for two weeks. And I had seen her already perusing a completed draft for it the night before. Her devotion to her school work was admirable. I did not understand why working on a paper rather than playing chess with me would cause her discomfort – aside from being deprived of my presence.

And she had not looked me in the eye when she had said her farewell, which she had never done at school. I wondered why her face had appeared so flushed. She didn't have a fever, but her blood pressure was elevated. And she seemed to be walking quicker than her usual careful gait to the library through the school's halls. She had made me so proud in turning down Tyler. Clearly, my plan to let her think I wanted to win her heart was inspired.

My siblings blocked their thoughts and shook their head at me. I paid them no mind. They didn't understand her like I did. She was in control of her life. At least that's what I permitted her to think.

I could not imagine what was keeping Tanya and her sisters from the cafeteria and extended my senses. I had, of course, thoughtfully sent them a copy of the newborns' debut. And they had no idea I was the one who had sent the email as I most definitely did not want Tanya thinking that I watched pornographic films or wanted to correspond with her in any way concerning said films that I did not peruse. Tanya and her sisters had watched the film shrieking in laughter, gawping as Dallas Faith and Laurent writhed like humans covered in mud. Or pigs. They couldn't decide which represented a more apt description of the pair. Billy Black had the brains to appear embarrassed as they genuinely asked why he found something that horrible arousing.

The bell rang ending lunch. The newborns eyed their prey as we all walked to the door.

Mary Alice hissed, "If you take a single bite, we will be forced to act."

"Relax," Laurent said, "We promise we won't drink from them."

They vanished into the crowds and headed for the empty gym, delighted mortal partners in tow.

Emmett thought to me, "Edward, as much as I hate to ask you to do this, I'm going to have to insist you watch and show us what happens to make sure no one gets bit. We can't interfere without a fight at this point." I sighed in response. The sacrifices I made of my dignity for my family. Starched Shirt Edward blinked up from the Bible and spluttered, "They actually want us to watch those strumpets fornicating?"

"Yes." Jugurtha said, "For moral purposes, of course."

"What possible purpose can lurking like a pervert and witnessing such deviancy serve?"

"We're going to use our powers to make sure the humans don't die."

"Oh. Well. Oh my. Can we do this with closed eyes?"

"No." Jugurtha pushed Starched Shirt Edward towards the prayer bench and said, "I think you should pray for the power of chastity to be granted to these mortals and for them to accept our Dear Lord and Savior into their beating hearts.

Dallas Faith was taking off her shirt before an amazed young man taking his hands placing them in a most definitely inappropriate region and telling him, "You can touch me all you want, handsome. I want you to make me scream. I know you can." She then brazenly unzipped his bulging trousers. Her sisters did various versions of the same routine as did Laurent with a young woman whose virtue had been lost years ago so I did not feel bad for not intervening to prevent her seduction. From their thoughts, the newborns intended on keeping their word and not biting anyone. Apparently my power to quell blood lust had worked.

All the human males thought it was hot that they were participating in an orgy. The girl didn't mind so much since she had slept with all of the boys in the room since her eighteenth birthday, save Laurent, anyway and wanted seconds and thirds and fourths and….. She couldn't wait to……ew. Laurent passed around a flask of scotch. And in between the rustling of clothes, sucking of various body parts, and moans of delight all the humans imbibed. And just when, according to Mary Sue as she prepared to mount her moaning like a stuck goat football player, things were getting interesting, the locked door slammed open and in walked Tanya and her sisters.

"Now that was an entrance," Jugurtha laughed.

Tanya hissed at me in Saami, "Knock out the humans, Edward." I eagerly complied. It was a two for one-win. I no longer had to worry about their virtue. The humans, that is. Tanya's had been given away eons ago. Nor could their fornicating activities continue. Them being unconscious and all.

Laurent nearly cried when his partner stopped licking his……and slumped to the ground. She had been, in his estimation, quite talented with her…..never mind. He was kind enough to catch the young hoyden to prevent her from being harmed. Mary Sue thought it was curious her partner was unconscious since usually they fainted after having an orgasm and she hadn't really even touched this one. Clearly, their abilities had grown and they needed more practice, she gushed….

Kate chose that moment to unload her power on all the immortals in the room causing them to shriek in pain. Jasper helped, as he had snuck out to ostensibly use the restroom, and aimed terror at the newborns from the water fountain he pretended to use. He added in his unique formula of "de-lust" at the unconscious humans. Laurent watched in horror as Big Laurent became Not So Big Laurent and his own personal Eifel tower crashed against his leg.

Jugurtha rolled his eyes and said, "Yes, we are bigger. Focus."

I summoned the spirits, asking them to aid in quelling all the bloodlust of the vampires, as it arose in response to their frustration. And my powers glowed and did nothing. I tried again, and they sat mute, ignoring me. The rings around the house started to flicker. Trying to remain calm, I said, "I'm sorry. I can't do them all at once."

Tanya thought I meant that I desired to have sexual intercourse with the unconscious males in the room, crowing that she had suspected my sexual preference all along. I corrected her with a mental picture of the power ring around the house and the one around the school. I didn't need her seeing my be-ringed in wolfly power singer and marked by immortals I intended on killing, so left her out of the picture. Tanya and her sisters were fascinated and decided that alas, I was still heterosexual. Hoydens. My singer was hotter than them, too.

"I'm Tanya Denali and these are my sisters Kate and Irina." Her alto voice positively teemed with enthusiasm. "We've been dying to meet you for quite some time, considering you've been attempting to impersonate us across Europe and Asia." The newborns hung their heads for a moment. Mary Sue brazenly said, "It's nice to meet you. Can you please give us five minutes? We're in the middle of something." She started fiddling with the unconscious football player trying to get parts of him to reanimate without success, lightly slapping his face saying, "Handsome. Oh, Handsome. Come back and play" This had never happened before with a live human, she mentally wailed. The others were seriously confused as all their partners were equally un-aroused and soundly asleep. Despite repeated attempts to wake them. Addie Mae wondered with a gasp if their powers were failing. The others caught that idea at the same time.

Kate giggled as I sent the thoughts to her. She said, "You have a choice, get up and get dressed, or I'm afraid I'll have to use my power on you again with more permanent results."

Dallas Faith decided in terror that Kate had definitely stripped them of their powers temporarily and crawled around the room for her scattered attire. Within five seconds they were dressed and crying. Laurent, too. Jasper was having too much fun.

"What about the humans?" Irina said.

"You're absolutely right, sister. Thank you for that observation." Tanya answered and quickly arranged the snoring bodies. She stood back with a smile. "There. That's so much better." She spilled a bit of scotch from Laurent's other flask, and left it in one boy's hand. I had to admit I had seen some sick things in my time as she moved from mouth to mouth, coating their lips with scotch, dribbling it on a body or two. What Kate and Irina did, however at their sister's direction, was absolutely revolting. And genius. The immortals dashed from the building as Mrs. Corelli, accompanied by the campus security officers, burst into the room.

"Jesus, I knew Abbie Martingale was sexually active but seven guys at once? That requires way too much energy….never mind," Mrs. Corelli thought. She pulled out her cell phone and dialed 911 as clearly they had a case of alcohol poisoning, since they weren't awakening at her bark. Her voice remained calm as she checked everyone's pulses and thanked God they had caught them five minutes into the period. No one was tardy in her school, although she didn't look forward to explaining to eight sets of parents what their children had been doing when skipping class. And she thought it odd their clothes had been neatly folded. Who meticulously arranged their clothing prior to an orgy? That and the alcohol must have been why nothing happened. She thanked God she'd gotten there before any of them had actually had sex.

The happenings in the cafeteria had just been overshadowed by Tanya's brilliance. Mary Alice predicted that night, in the hamlet of Forks, tongues would wag at the tale of how eight students were discovered stark naked in the locker room. Abbie Martingale was found slumped astride the middle of Steve Johnson's thighs with a naked as a jaybird Bill Canon leaning on her from behind and other naked males waiting for their turn – although thank God they had all been too drunk for anything to actually happen. It was speculated that she had been planning on performing ew ….. on Trent Smith due to the position of his spread eagled body as his bottom covered Steve Johnson's – the one whose thighs Tanya had arranged Miss Martingale on - face. Others argued that it was Steve Johnson who had planned on giving attention to Trent Smith while being pleasured by Abbie Martingale in an assembly line of debauchery. All eight names would go down in Forks history.

Motherly Tanya and her sisters had even been thoughtful enough to dress the boys in condoms they hadn't thought to use, some partially on, others open and in their hands. And to be extra kind, Irina had stuffed extras in Abbie Martingale's purse and several of the boy's pants pockets. They all also made sure to leave in place the deviant rubber objects that several boys had put on…..never mind. And manners prevent me from even contemplating what they had done with the KY Jelly Mary Sue carried in her purse like chewing gum. Piously, Tanya had reminded herself that she was just setting the scene and she had simply arranged the bodies and couldn't help it if humans were too stupid to know she had saved countless lives –and that no one had actually had intercourse. She had even arranged them so that no mortal's private parts had touched another's. Even she had standards. She sighed. This was the moral thing to do; Tanya sang, as she loaded the frightened newborns into our cars and she and her sisters drove them to our house.

Once the multiple ambulances left, and curt messages left with aghast parents, Mrs. Corelli stomped into various classrooms looking for the absent newborns. She wondered what else could happen as she caught a glimpse of her blackened eye in the trophy case. She had a film clip that I had never seen and definitely did not want to imagine in her email of Dallas Faith eagerly engaging in all sorts of almost physically impossible sexual activity. Earnestly. With numerous co-stars including Laurent. The only thing she hadn't done in the film, Mrs. Corelli snarked, were animals. Her problem, Mrs. Corelli's that is, was that she had to expel them all, Laurent too, for dressing like slatterns, being porn stars, bad ones at that, and if they left quietly she'd overlook the badly forged identity papers since the police had already been here once. She could not find a trace of them on campus. She decided that the newborns had definitely realized they couldn't get away with such behavior at Forks' high. And now she had an alternate suspicion but not proof for just what Abbie Martingale and her co-stars had been up to. She wasn't about to let her wayfaring students get exploited even if they all were 18 years old, and scheduled a meeting with the students and their parents. Mrs. Cope with satisfaction dis-enrolled the newborns. Kids these days, were crazy.

The newborns exited our vehicles, peeking at Mother with Peter and Charlotte standing at her side. The very sight of Charlotte made the newborns decide to obey quietly. And that Eleazar had a look about him that made Laurent's survival instinct kick into operation at a red-alert status as he ordered, "Enter the house. We have much talking to do." For a second they considered fleeing and that was when the pack bounded into the back yard teeth snapping jaws drooling. Wolf Paula, in particular, enjoyed as she urinated on Mary Sue's shrieking form to a mental chorus she could not hear from the rest of the pack of "Gross!" and "Awesome" and "Now THAT's marking your territory!"

All of the newborns started vomiting on cue, as a sympathetic Carmen patted backs here and there murmuring encouraging words. Mother backed up a step or two, thanking the pack, gulping her gorge, and said over the heaves of the immortals crumpled before her, "Welcome to our home. When we said this is a no-hunting ground ladies and gentleman, we really did mean it. I'd like to introduce you to what would happen should you elect to ignore the treaty we have in place." All the wolves growled on cue. Sam did a particularly good low-rumbled one that made Dallas Faith quiver in all the wrong ways and nod, "Yes, madam." The wolves were even kind enough to use their front claws to gingerly lift the newborns from the ground and set them aright. Laurent vomited again, and Seth solicitously refrained from tossing him into the nearby forest. Eleazer turned on a hose and sprayed the yard as Mother went around handing out toothbrushes and wet washrags to all. Carmen was even kind enough to lead Mary Sue into the house, not by the hand, of course, and let her shower in my bathroom. I made a mental note to scour the entire room with bleach before permitting my delicate human to enter it or use the commode. God only knows where Mary Sue had been. And I refrained from watching Mary Sue shower like a stalker as I had already been morally compelled to observe and beam such observations to my highly entertained family at school. I knew more than I ever wanted to about the sex-starved septuplets from Czaak. The Denalis took the petrified newborns to our last guest cottage to keep them away from our house. Thus ended the chaotic reign of the newborns at Forks High. Alas, I did not have an opportunity to enjoy my victory against pornography, although my brothers suspected my role. I admitted nothing. I had bigger problems than being caught faking an email from Mrs. Stanley and raiding Emmett's online and still secret from his mate lewd film collection.

My human wasn't talking. To me. Well, she wasn't talking much to anyone else either, on the way home from school. And my girlfriend did go straight to bed, Mary Alice's bed as I gawped. I left her alone because of that whole desperately needing to vomit from over-taxing my powers and then hunt business and for Rosalie to work with her on that whole nightmare affair. Despite her ability to heal me, my pain could wait.

They conversed for a few hours, with Rosalie having to pry the information from my quiet girlfriend with conversational crowbars and patience I never knew she possessed while her racing pencils fleshed out the nightmare. She and Mary Alice ended up having to use sneaky techniques that always failed with me, a series of closed questions, to get information, "Was he tall or short?" "Blonde or brunette?" They always sniped at me for using those questions and here my sisters managed to get my girlfriend to speak at length. Talk about double-standards. When she felt she had captured everything, Rosalie displayed the sketches to my girlfriend, who blanched and said, "That's her, alright. Him, too." She picked up the picture of the Violet Gorgon Rosalie had drawn the night before and said, "I recognize that face of the black haired woman. But I don't know from where."

My entire family froze across the house.

"Really, I had a dream about her and drew it," Rosalie lied. Sort of.

Snapping her fingers my girlfriend said, "That's really strange. I think I remember dreaming of her, too. But she kept saying the same thing over and over."

"What did she say, Bella?" Mary Alice asked gently.

"It didn't make any sense. She said something that sounded like 'pert-oo-mum,' in a voice like you would to a baby."

That halted the entire house. The word 'pertumum' in Oscan meant "to destroy". I decided curling on the forest floor and clutching my abdomen would have to take place later. My girlfriend and family required my assistance. And I desperately needed quality pressed against the flesh time if I was going to continue being able to fight. Then my singer's next words nearly started my heart.

"Alice, could you give me a lift home?" Mary Alice and Rosalie cheerfully refrained from arguing that she was supposed to be staying the entire week with us. Rosalie said at vampire pitch, "We'll do what we can," to Emmett and Jasper as they exited the house. I was, they claimed in hissed Xeta at each other, a moron. I looked up from drinking a Roosevelt Elk I'd snatched before her terrorizing words and wondered what I could possibly have done to earn my family's ire? I had saved them from the newborns, after all. I had to place faith in my sisters. It would be difficult guarding her if she returned back to her Father's house.

Jugurtha said, "Difficult but not impossible. Eat more. We need the strength." I lunged at another elk, snapping his neck and sulked as I sucked. On the animal. Alas.

To preserve my sanity, I turned to my other problems for a moment. I could not possibly envision what had these women so irritated with me. Perhaps I should give them a decade or two to calm. Women were like that. Capricious. Besides, I had bigger problems than silly overemotional put on the earth to plague me females. I ran back to the house at top speed, regardless.

Violet Gorgon had managed to sneak into my girlfriend's dreams at some point and my sisters were having difficulty getting her to identify a time frame for that dream. That raised the issue of whether the Gorgon had snuck past our barriers. The picture Rosalie drew matched the one Jasper had sketched of his sister. Down to the crooked teeth. And the drawing that Rosalie had done of the other one revealed we had an entirely separate problem. The male in my girlfriend's nightmares with the malevolent eyes was, as conveyed at vampire pitch by the astounded Rosalie, an immortal child.

At the very sight of an immortal child, the Volturi insisted that if we did not kill the vampire immediately – which we should – and they'd be embarrassed for us if we failed to, we had to report not only the existence of the child, but of the child's maker. And this put Father in a quandary.

How do you call your good friends – the ones you've been hiding the fact that you communicate with their not so good friends – and tell them, "My family and I have been consorting with a mortal girl who has dreamed of an immortal child. And I'm not turning her. And that's final. And you can't talk to her. Farewell. By the way, would you mind coming and helping save us from imminent death by snotty vampires in a few days that hopefully aren't under your control?" And the only reason, I suspected, to show these immortal to us in a vision was to warn us that he and the others were coming. Soon.

To protect the Denalis Father had refrained for telling them about my soul-scarred singer and had asked me quietly to use my powers to hide the marks. In his mind he'd thought that he was burdening the Denalis with enough as it was and didn't need to add more to their shoulders. What he left unsaid was that he feared Tanya, or her sisters, due to their past, might bolt and turn my dear little one in to save their necks. With great shame, I'd told Father, "I can hide them from mortals, but not immortals. I've tried." He had patted my back and had said, "Then we'll simply tell the Denalis for their own good, to protect them, they should avoid casting eyes on Bella." My mind turned from the scene with Father to the chaos in the house.

We knew the Jasper family dying part was correct. At least I did. I had, with Jugurtha, mentally sat down and counted each individual bone snap after replaying the tortuous vision in my mind more times than I had cared to admit. To cover my tracks, I had purchased three sets of human bones. And I'd asked Rosalie and Father to help. We'd snapped the bones and catalogued the sounds of them, filing them away in our minds. And then I'd watched the vision from Skeevy's eyes and immortal senses again just to be sure and beamed it to Father and Rosalie. By my best guess, everyone had died instantly save Susan. I hypothesized he'd turned her accidentally. Before the process could start in earnest, her still mortal body had walked itself back into the house and burned to a crisp. That is the only explanation that Father, Rosalie and I could come up with to explain how a human woman on fire would calmly walk holding a dead toddler. She must have thought her child was alive and acted on instinct to save him. Mothers were like that.

I had also hired a graduate student or two – historians were notoriously diffident about completing their dissertations – to do hand searches for information on the fires in Texas that year pretending to be writing a book and needing the assistance of their agile minds. The twenty budding scholars had all found evidence that Jasper had not as he'd been hampered by not having the time to physically search the archives himself.

A local minister's wife, Mrs. Baker, had written an account of the fire and what they had witnessed that sounded every bit as harrowing as my little algae lover's vision of it. She claimed to have barely escaped with her life and that she had most definitely seen the body of Jasper's nephew. He'd smothered to death from the fumes, she hoped, before he'd been burned. Aaron had somehow not touched a hair on his head. The minister's wife had been haunted at the perfection of the child's features; he looked so much like his father, poor mite. And then the explosion had happened and she had run to save her life as people around her had burst into flame and died. To that day, she attributed her survival to the power of God alone. Despite being burned, she had been one of four people to walk away. Twenty others aside from the ten members of Jasper's family had not. And that was on the Whitlock land alone. Over 2,000 people had died in the wildfires that had raged in the area that night.

Later, Jasper had kept an iron control over his gift when Father and I had shown him the pictures. Father had explained to him the results of the morbid study we'd conducted while Jasper had trained the wolves out of hearing range. At least this way he knew to the best of our abilities that they all, save Aaron, were at peace. I handed him the historical reports, without saying a word. My brother had never seen the immortal child. And Jasper might have done a lot of things in his time, but that was one he'd adamantly refused to do. Even he had standards. We stayed silent waiting for him to say something. And remained so when he had nothing to say. He left the room to return to training.

I turned to the lab to study the venom, algae, and saliva samples from my not speaking to me girlfriend. As an experiment, I tried to grow more. I'd check on those results later, I thought, as I reached out with my senses to track my singer. She sat in her room typing an email to her pen pal in Spain while Rosalie and Mary Alice huddled in a corner pretending to do homework debating strategy in Xeta at vampire pitch. We hadn't taken a vacation. Perhaps we could do that tomorrow. That might put her in a pleasant mood.

Rosalie stood and said, "We should all get back home, Bella."

My stomach sank when my girlfriend said, "Thanks, but I think I'll stay here."

Mary Alice, the evil woman, took her hand in both of her own and said, "Now Bella, we promised your father that we'd take care of you. And your heart scared the life out of us the other night. Father still needs to keep you under observation and we didn't want to have to keep your Father up doing it."

"What do you mean?"

"Mother has medical training as well. She and Father have been taking turns monitoring your vital signs while you sleep to make sure that dying business from the other night doesn't happen again." Her cheerful announcement wiped the color from my little algae lover's face as she dizzily sank to her bed. "They did so because they know how much you hate being hospitalized. We all took refresher courses in CPR while you slept the other day. And when you are in the hospital Edward becomes hysterical and refuses to leave your side or sleep."

I could have sworn I heard her mutter, "You could have fooled me." I must have imagined that.

"Why not come back and let's have a girl's night? Just you, me, and Rosalie. I'd love to take one of those vacations that Edward has been talking about. It sounds like fun." Mary Alice sounded so cheerful.

Rosalie nodded, curls bouncing, and said, "Edward's been hogging you lately, and we've let him because he's so shy and we've never seen him talk that much. But we like spending time with you as well. So do Jasper and Emmett."

My girlfriend stared at the floor for a while with a set to her jaw before saying, "Ok." She stood, gathered clean clothes from her closet, and quietly returned to the embrace of our house. Rosalie and Mary Alice appeared smug trailing behind her, and blocked their thoughts from me. Socrates' wife, Xanthippe, had gained notoriety for being a shrew. Who knew she'd be reincarnated and have her soul split into my sisters?

Jasper and I sat up late at night strategizing our best response.

"We're trying to figure out how to best handle the newborns," Jasper said to Mother when she asked what was keeping us at the dinner table. She avoided asking why I was not upstairs with my singer. Because my singer was not upstairs where she belonged. At my side, sleeping with me. And I did not understand why. Mary Alice currently guarded her, along with Emmett, as she slept. My dear little one had shifted 20% more than usual compared to her normal sleep cycle. She belonged with me. But I had to be strong. I could not let them see my panic.

"Jasper, handling the newborns and Laurent is not a difficult task," Mother said in that voice she used right before she assigned you a dreadful chore or punishment.

"I'm afraid I don't follow you. They seduced seven humans today and Lord only knows what they'll do next. They aren't particularly careful." Father said as he emerged from his study.

Currently, they were in a guest cottage having met the pack and after vomiting three times been inappropriately aroused. Obviously any normal vampire could discern that something was wrong with those women if they found that stench something they wanted to inhale. Laurent had been the only one to have the good taste to vomit continuously. They'd ignored Seth, the scentless wonder, to focus on the gobsmacked John Quill and the equally flummoxed Sam Uley. We had the miffed at being expelled from school in a backwater town like Forks newborns sulking with Laurent in a cottage away from them. And I definitely had those barriers in place set to extra hot in all the wrong ways if one of the newborns tried to cross the ring. Seth would not be losing his virtue on my watch. John didn't have virtue to lose, but the point stayed the same. He might kill the newborns in defense of his manly parts.

"Yes, but Carlisle, didn't you tell me that Tanya and her sisters were the original succubi?"

"Yes."

"So, I imagine that Tanya and her sisters could use apprentices since they are working on their next book. I am sure that the newborns have all sorts of several centuries' worth of stories to tell that would fascinate the Denalis. Especially if they write a 'what not to do' guide. The Volturi, in particular, would love it."

Jasper said, "Oh my stars, she's brilliant."

"Mary Sue strikes me as the smartest one in the bunch," she said, "And they all are very prideful. They should not be hard to handle."

"What did you have in mind?"

"Simple, have Tanya challenge them that they can't last the next five days without having sex with any one."

Rosalie chimed in, "Oh Mother, that is definitely on the right track. I think their love of variety," she pursed her lips, "would definitely lure them into taking the bet."

"Why five days?" Father asked.

"Because we're going to be too busy, I suspect, to monitor them as closely as we'd like. And I think it would be wonderful to have the newborns and Laurent expel some energy by having them train with the wolves. They might come in handy."

Rosalie squawked in alarm as she heart my human's heart rate indicate she'd soon arise and dashed upstairs and pretended to be asleep. Perhaps taking my quiet girlfriend back to Liam's house had been a mistake. Currently, she seemed to be deep in thought about something, having woken up. I'd counted her pacing the room for twenty minutes, arms crossed, while the startled Rosalie and Mary Alice lay on the king sized bed feigning slumber. She was ten minutes late for her medication, and Rosalie, pushed beyond her point of endurance, "woke up" to remind her of that fact. Grace sent me a worried croon suggesting I get myself over to sweet girl's side post haste and I decided to accept that advice.

And it took my little bottle cap twice as long as it normally did to fall asleep, so I ended up assisting her. She needed her rest. Since she had not given me permission, I sat on the floor rather than lay at her side. Usually she would scoot over towards me. Yet now she did not move an inch. She did say one word. "Tyler." Had I been able to sleep at that moment that would have kept me awake. He must be the reason she was so upset still. It was not like her to be silent this long, despite the fact that she'd not said a single word to her Father about his mendacity, my singer knew she could talk to me about anything. She'd said so. My experiment this afternoon had shown she would date no others. So why was she saying his name in her sleep, this human boy? The touch of her hand as I clasped it in mine helped restore me, lessening the pain from all that energy I'd expended. I sat on the floor all night. My heart remained silent.

When it came to my would-be girlfriend, my one day bride, I was a thoughtless desperate fool. After three days of stilted conversation in the drives to and from school, and quick meals in which she rapidly consumed thirty-five percent fewer calories than average and promptly fled to the sanctity of the library, I was close to crumbling. We could be attacked at any second by the real red-eyed people. What made it worse is that my girlfriend appeared to be conversing well with my siblings. Rosalie, in particular, made an effort to flash winsome smiles and offer supporting suggestions.

My dear little one and Mary Alice spent hours after school at her house playing chess, and now, God help me, taking vacations in their minds. They went on a trip to Granada in Spain when they realized my girlfriend's love of the country. I could have told them that. Had I known. I'd buy tickets next week if she'd speak to me. I was reduced to lurking in the forest like a lunatic out of vampire hearing range so I'd at least have some pride. Someone had to guard them from the red-eyed people. You know, who were supposed to arrive in. . . well never mind when they were arriving. That's why they called it an ambush, due to that pesky lack of RSVPing before they tried to chew you up and spit you out and set you alight. We were anticipating an ambush at any time. Thank the Lord we had the Denalis. And oddly enough the newborns were keen to join in on the fun once we'd offered them a highly edited version that left out terms like "singer" and made clear that my girlfriend was staying human for the time being.

Carmen had never had to fight anyone. Eleazar on the other hand, having belonged to the Volturi, had quite the battlefield experience. He and Jasper were in male immortal heaven, discussing tactics, oohing like little girls over the vampire blades and diving over the wolves, laughing while they taught them to fight as a team. Eleazar admitted when he'd left the Volturi he'd had to turn his weapon in to the armory. No one left holding one unless they were on a mission, and their tactics had shifted to using people with gifts so they now left the swords behind although they did take daggers. And the secret of the vampire blade production was a closely guarded one. The sword smiths that had made them had all been rounded up and were confined to the fortress the Volturi ruled.

The Vancouver coven finally answered in a cryptic text sent to Father's phone. And the milk cooler he ordered appeared mysteriously that day in the mail, despite the fact they had refunded the money to his credit card. The message said they would keep a watch over us from a distance and that should we need assistance in their opinion, they'd offer it. Ingrates. Cracking my knuckles, I couldn't wait for the next time one of them stumbled to us, sick and have us say, "We'll observe you for a little while and see if you need help. Cheers."

And my research on the algae had one interesting finding. I couldn't make it grow. No matter how I tried or what protein I put near it. No single variable I could think of aided. It simply smirked in its Petri dish at me. Rosalie and Father had the same results. Emmett's eyes had faded eight hours after his exposure to the substance and his scent had returned within nine. And Emmett had been accurate on its flavor. How anyone could live off of that for decades…..I scowled as I sprinted away from my observation post for one of my Hezekiah assigned runs. I had tried running in a short circle and had worn a noticeable path in the dirt. That wouldn't do. So I'd decided while she was guarded by my siblings, I'd test my range. And ran away like the coward I was.

Sadder than a weeping willow in frost, I took in the expanse of the canopy around me as I climbed to the top of my tree. My old friend. Who always was there for me. I suddenly found myself missing the friend Horatio that I'd observed in my dreams. He'd always seemed to help me through my blunders. Sitting atop my favorite perch, I encountered a Douglas squirrel. Why I didn't scare him was yet another example of the local wildlife's almost woman-like inconsistency in their behavior toward me of late. "Douglas" as I'd imaginatively baptized him, kept a collection of acorns in a depression by my left thigh. Ah, that's it; he was braving being a not quite snack to guard his food. It was scarce in the spring since most nuts were shooting up growths. I could respect that. Gingerly, I picked up an acorn and placed it on the wood at his shaking feet. He nodded at me, sat down, and began to nibble delicately. He looked at me as if to say, "What's your deal?"

"Women." I grumbled, swinging my legs in the air below the branch.

He stopped chewing, glanced up from his meal, and nodded in comradery. Clearly, even squirrels have flighty females. He finished the acorn. I reached into my pocket sadly staring at the pack of unsalted almonds I had found kept in individual serving sizes. For her. She who did not speak. To me. Who hated speaking. I'd found them because they had more protein than a granola bar and I needed to be prepared in case she fainted again or if I had to pretend for her safety's sake that she had fainted again. She who made me actually miss the physical sensation of eating. I tore the plastic open with the care of a surgeon, and carefully handed my friend an almond. He seemed to like my company and took the food from my hand. So in the spirit of friendship, I ate one too. We sat in silence nibbling on nuts – almonds, you degenerate, not our own or any one else's for the record– soaking up the silence, two males of the world. I realized I needed to go running again to work off some energy and saluted my furry companion. "Same time tomorrow?" He chattered happily as I poured the rest of the almonds in his food pile, leapt to the ground, and burst into a sprint. At least one friend was speaking to me. Grace nudged me mentally and I felt her touch on my shoulders, patting my back. Make that two.

My siblings all had the same thought that frustrated me so, "He'll figure it out eventually." What was there to figure out? I was intelligent, rational, and I might add modestly, smarter than the average vampire. Why couldn't they simply tell me? Why the guessing games? And they wouldn't think what they meant. Damn them. And she seemed so sad when she thought I wasn't looking. Pride forced me to hold my tongue and wait for the proverbial penny to drop. Even the newborns avoided me, their survival instincts having finally kicked in. And I couldn't exactly turn to Tanya and say, "I know you have been lusting after me for decades, but I require your assistance with a mortal girl I like far better than you." That seemed rude. Although true. But still. I had manners. Sometimes.

Speaking of insane women, Tanya, after being texted by Mother about her idea for the newborns, texted back, "Already planned. I have an even better idea." She and her sisters, elegantly attired, stared at the standing newborns inspecting them like a general before new recruits.

"Do you know who the Volturi are?" Tanya began gently.

"Some group of old vampires in Italy," Mattie Jo waved her arm as if discussing last year's outdated garb.

"Ah, to be young and naïve again." Kate said with a sad smile. The septuplets stiffened at that description. Laurent stilled.

"We used to think of them that way too. That was before they executed our Mother for breaking their laws and we barely escaped with our lives," Irina said as they winced.

"So how do you feel about a healthy wager? I've been debating with my sisters. I think you're disciplined to have survived all these years, but they," she wagged a finger at Kate and Irina, "insist you walk the earth merely out of dumb luck."

"We have lots of discipline," Carol Lynn and Betty Ann said in tandem.

"Really?"

"Indeed," Laurent crooned at Irina. "I'd love to show you."

"And I've love to watch," Tanya offered a winsome smile that made him shiver.

"We're up to any challenge you give us," Mary Sue declared, chin jutting out, pride in place.

"If you can remain completely celibate for two centuries, we'll allow you to be our apprentices. That means no orgasms of any kind for any reason by any means," Tanya stipulated.

Kate and Irina said, "We won't look down on you if you refuse. It was difficult for us to do, so we know exactly what we are asking. It might be too much for you young people."

"I accept." Laurent snarled.

"We do, too," Ella Joy stated before Mary Sue could speak, elbowing her sister into silence.

"Excellent!" Tanya squealed. "We're going to have so much fun! Let's start with training."

"Now?"

"Of course. I always keep my word. Now, the first thing you have to learn is self-defense. So we're going to be training with Jasper and his friends the wolves all night to test your stamina. Follow me!" Tanya sailed from the room trailed by the befuddled newborns. I stopped observing her utter triumph over them to mourn my own defeat as I trudged to my brother who worked in the lab studying a vampire blade. My girlfriend's dagger seemed like a toy in his large hands.

Who knew challenging someone to behave like a lady and dangling Tanya in front of them like tramp bait could be so effective? Women. I shook my head. Crazy every last one of them. Especially mine.

Emmett told me absentmindedly as he stared into a microscope attuned for vampire senses, that all I had to do was simply apologize. "For what?" I begged.

"It doesn't matter. Since you are a guy, you're always wrong anyway." His explanation made absolutely no sense.

He stopped working, and said, "Stop pacing a second, Edward and look at me. Why don't you ask her to accompany you to the Yorkie Festival tonight?" He said it like it was so simple even an idiot could see the answer.

"She hates dancing. It reminds her of her disability." I hated standing still.

"True, but there's more to do there than dance." Emmett looked at me like I was an imbecile. Prudence dictated that I needed to research the festival using my laptop. So I thanked him and retreated to my lonely room to conduct research. Not that kind of research. Indeed, it appeared Emmett was right. Not about the imbecile part.

There were booths for food and crafts and contests. I predicted it would be a raging success. Armed with knowledge I tried to ascertain the best way to propose, I mean request her presence at the human gathering.

I had guarded her at night, and to my distress she had not uttered a single word to aid me in discovering the cause of her behavior beyond that one word of Tyler. And she had a past history of nightmares if I was not in the room with her, although she rested quietly at present. Her Grandmother, however, was another story. I had been so desperate; I broke in another way. With Grace at my side, I lowered her shields to see who would come knocking. I'd mentally asked Grace if a few of her disreputable friends could come and stand by. There was no sign of the young to me old power. Hezekiah's geezers stood in wait, grumbling about wasting resources but looking forward to a fight.

My singer turned to me and said, "Dream Edward?" I never thought I'd be glad to hear Genevieve's voice turning my girlfriend into a sock-puppet again.

"Yes, dearest one?"

"Dense. Dark."

By all the heavens now she wanted me to look for something that was dense to protect her granddaughter? And dark? "That spirit," I vowed, "received an extra thrill tormenting me," I muttered under my breath.

"True. Don't be late."

"You almost killed her the last time you spoke through her, Genevieve. Either say something constructive or leave, madam. And thanks ever so much for siccing the red-eyed people on us."

Smacking me with a throw pillow that flew of its own accord into my face, she vanished from the room in a spiritual huff. Taking all her answers with her. Spitefully, I put the shields back up as clearly even the ghosts around me were idiots. When my siblings that were within hearing range raced into the room expecting another attack from the Gorgon, I had some explaining to do.

"I wanted to see what would happen if I lowered the shield around her to see if the Gorgon would give me conditions or terms. Genevieve made a brief appearance and left."

Father chided, "You took a huge chance considering her heart stopped the last time."

"I know." I answered, not looking at all the emergency equipment I had scattered about the room. Just in case. I was a complete bastard. "I did not feel I had a choice. We need to know if the Gorgon had demands." I pretended to have the moral high ground. Only years of perfected deception kept them engaged in believing me.

"So you did not sense her presence? Hasn't she been trying to get through ever since her initial foray?"

"Well, someone has. And I've had some assistance keeping them at bay. Hezekiah has shaman friends who have been helping me, so I did not do this without backup help." I piously explained.

So I decided more research was in order. Women research. Not that kind of women research. In order to understand the enemy, I decided to peruse the literature on feminism. Germaine Greer's work made it sound like human males were evil overlords meant on controlling every move made by every woman. That night Mary Alice caught me reading one of Greer's books online with a shocked expression on my face as I skimmed through the 1970's The Female Eunuch. My sister sighed, and took the laptop out of my hands and said, "You're only young once but you can be immature forever." And then she left with the laptop. Did she think I didn't recognize she was quoting Greer? I wasn't a complete idiot. My sister's sense of humor was odd. Very odd. One thing that did strike me was the idea Greer also wrote, "Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate."

In desperation, I decided we had to have another one of our chats while she slept. Perhaps that would sink into her subconscious and she might talk to me. Either that or think she was hearing voices and possibly insane. But desperate times and desperate vampires called for desperate measures. I hated this talking business. And we got along perfectly fine when she was asleep. I had a captive audience. And siblings outside scrutinizing on my every word like food critics in a new restaurant hang it all. And parents lurking in the hallway. Perhaps silence in this sense was golden. So I sat on the ground by her bed. And I thought a lecture to her while holding her hand. Her Grandmother could read my mind at inconvenient times. Maybe she could, too. This was definitely an inconvenient occasion. She pulled her arm from my hand and cuddled against the pillow. Then fate had to go and rub my face in my misery by having her drool on the pillow. I wanted to tear it from her fingers. But putting myself in its place could prove awkward at present.

I felt hope return when she rolled onto her stomach two hours later and her arm flopped against my chest. I felt my heart leap into life and all but threw myself into the pitch for the succor of Hezekiah's counsel.

My obstreperous tutor must have grown tired of the armchairs. We were both sitting on a rock that was near a cliff watching a scarlet sun descend from a purple sky into the welcoming arms of the Pacific. I had about an inch of distance in between me and Hezekiah and stopped breathing immediately. I'd vomited enough for a century, thank you very much.

"It's a remarkable view." You could see anyone coming at you in both directions.

"That it is, son. I proposed to my Jenny here."

"I'm straight and you are married to a fine woman. This can never be."

He snorted and with a bony elbow gave me a sharp jab in the ribs.

"Stop goofing off. You got problems, kid."

I exhaled in frustration, "I am at the point where I feel like telling the next supernatural spirit that attacks me that I am sorry but I have booked my schedule for the next three centuries and to please return to abuse me at another time."

"I wasn't talking about that. But, you've had an awful large burden sitting on those shoulders. It's good to see your family stepping up to the plate to help you. I was right proud of your Pa. And I can see why you run away from that Tanya. I heartily approve of her and her sisters pestering Billy Black."

"My family never ceases to astound me. They are far better than I deserve."

"We need to talk about your little Missy."

"Did Jenny send you with a lecture?"

"She and Sacajawea all but wrote down instructions," as a large notebook filled with his scrawl appeared in his hands. "I'm going to be in all kids of trouble with the missus if I get it wrong; so stop flapping your lips and let me say my peace." He turned to a page, scanned the words, and shut the notebook. Jenny had such good advice about dating; I was desperate to hear. So I turned with a woebegone expression as my friend huffed.

I pressed my lips together and waited for the haranguing to begin.

"Jenny says that while you did a wonderful job the other day especially with her talking about her family, you need to ask her out again."

"She's not speaking to me. How can I do that?"

"Heck if I know, son. Move your feet one in front of the other and ask her if you can take her to see a show. And bring her flowers. Women like that."

"May I ask you a personal question?" I stared at my legs as they kicked nervously against the rock upon which we perched.

"Ask away."

"How long were you married?"

"About 50 years," he said that with a smile. Despite looking like a gnome, having crooked and tobacco-stained teeth, he transformed into another person with that expression.

"Do you understand you wife?"

"Heck, no. Even the powers won't help with that, son. The committee is in agreement that you should ask her on another sojourn but not to her Great Uncle's land. Quanah Parker, Geronimo, and Sitting Bull are arguing with Sequoya over the best battle plan to rid the land of the spirits. Once they decide they'll let you know. President Roosevelt says that you need to remember to be a gentleman at all times and that he's proud of you defending the honor of that fair maiden against whatever that strange phantasm was. He wanted me to remind you to discuss battle plans with your sneaky brother, to learn more fighting techniques from him, to make sure you run more, and to speak softly and carry a big stick. And he's praying for you." Excellent even Teddy Roosevelt thought I needed God on my side. I was doomed. That was the last thought I had before I felt Father shaking my shoulder awake so I could creep from Mary Alice's room like a thief in the dawn.

Father sat with me as my heart stopped. I found I never became used to the pain as I sagged against him. The lack of her touch made it worse. Tanya and her sisters, briefed as to what was occurring when they smelled the distinctive change in my scent and heard my heart beat had the consideration for once in their existence to stay away from the house and afford me privacy. They were horrified when mother explained my daily routine. I dashed from the house to hide my suffering. Hezekiah has suggested flowers. I could do that. I returned with a single blossom of lupine and placed it on her pillow right above the patch of drool. As her heart rate increased, I fled. I asked Jugurtha, "Please schedule in our day a groveling session, a private one." We both knew she was scheduled to return to her father's questionable care Sunday night. My time was running out.

He flipped through my planner, staring at the script through his reading glasses, making hmming noises. "The only time that will work is lunch today."

"But we'll be in front of everyone." I was nervous enough speaking. But the entire school damn them, had noted the strained relationship between my singer and I and paid even more attention. They'd hang on our every word. My girlfriend deserved privacy. Dignity, too.

Jugurtha sighed. "Not really. Not if you are at your table that you usually sit at. You can arrange with your family for her to sit there." True. Very true.

My heart almost ripped out of my chest when I saw my dear little one in front of me in the cafeteria line as she took her tray and walked past our empty little table and the one that my siblings usually occupied to sit by Angela. I maintained smooth features as Miss Webber worried in her thoughts about my pale human and wondered what I had done to upset her so. Ben Cheney sat his tray down by Angela at that moment concerned about my singer as well. "Cullen was behaving like a jackass," he grimaced. Which brother of mine had offended the mild-mannered Ben, I wondered? Oh wait, now I knew the identity of the braying beast in his brain. Me.

Jasper mentally said, "Edward, you absolutely need to go and sit with her. Suck it up, and take it like a man."

"Take what?" And what did my manhood have to do with this? I was clothed for Pete's sake. He must be jealous.

Noting my silence my brother hissed orders like a drill sergeant at vampire pitch. "You must engage the enemy in her own territory. You must sit among her friends, and you must ask her on an excursion immediately before one of those sniffing hounds swoops in when she's mad. Even I can tell she's angry. She might tell them yes." Now he held my undivided attention as my gaze fell upon a boy leering at her from three tables away. She was mine. I would not permit her to date any other.

I couldn't have that. I would definitely kill someone.

I walked over to their table and sat across from her with a smile. Jessica Stanley mentally screamed at such a piercing level it actually inflicted pain as she scurried to sit at my right side attempting to slyly brush her shoulder against me. I dodged just in time dropping my napkin to the snorts of my siblings. The Volturi would have so much fun using her as a weapon if turned.

"Hello Edward, what brings you to our little table today?" She ogled me, stripping me with her eyes. Hopeless Hoyden. And I did not have that physique. She made me appear like one of those muscle-bound morons that lifted weights. I could definitely show her lifting weights. But I'd be appropriately attired while doing it, thank you very much. The whole table expected me to answer. Starched Shirt Edward jabbed me with a finger and remonstrated, "Answer the imbecile."

"I find the company appealing." Some of it that is. She simpered and batted her stubby lashes at me. Newton actually wondered what I had done to make my singer so angry she moved tables. He astonished me by hoping that my human was not emotionally distressed. For once, he put aside his lewd fantasies. Perhaps I broke that out of his system. Tyler sulked, missing Lauren, who was serving time in juvenile hall for assault, much to the scandal and delight of the school.

Bets had been made all day long as to how many bruises would be adorning Miss Mallory when she emerged as even she was not tough enough to survive the brawlers locked up in that juvenile facility in Port Angeles. Were I crude enough to bet on the beating of a female human, I would have to throw in my lot with the population of the juvenile justice system. Lauren Mallory struck me as vindictive and cruel, but only because few people challenged her.

Angela and Ben speaking to my silent singer drew me away from my mental sojourn.

Ben cleared his throat and said, "Hey Bella, Angela and I were wondering if you had plans for Sunday afternoon? We wanted to go hiking in the Olympic National Forest."

"That sounds like fun." She smiled.

If she wanted hiking I could show her the real thing, I thought darkly, rather than human prancing about on man-made trails munching on granola bars and feeling at one with Nature. And I'd have to go along, of course, because she could fall due to her disability. Angela's thoughts indicated she felt bad for my singer due to my silence. How was my not saying anything wrong? I did not understand these confounding human women. Ben thought to himself that, "Christ, I left Edward a perfect opening to jump in on the trip and he ignored it. Either Cullen is a complete moron or he genuinely is not interested in her."

"Maybe Bella was right, after all," Angela thought, remembering my girlfriend telling her weeks ago that I barely noticed her and was certainly not attracted to her. God, I had found a new form of hell. Breaking social rules around my singer. My anxiety started to spike although I kept a serene expression. Running 50 miles this morning had not been enough. Jasper sensed my peril. I hid the shaking of my hand as I bought time by gulping a sip of soda, which felt like battery acid lunging down my throat.

To my surprise, my entire family came and sat at the table as well. Emmett sat to my left, casually reached across the table, and chucked her, to my alarm, on the shoulder with a meaty paw. "How's my favorite fuzzy gosling?"

My human actually tittered at him and I saw the hint of a grin before her eyes fell to the table.

Rosalie even managed to look amused and complimented my singer on her hair. Even worse, she actually sounded sincere and reached out to tuck away an errant strand back into her hair fastening. Mary Alice had styled it that morning in the back of the car in something called a French braid. I worried it would cause her head to ache. And while it complimented her lovely features, I preferred her hair worn loose.

Everyone at the table had the same thought at the same time that Rosalie almost looked like a mother would with her child as she smoothed my singer's locks and patted her arm. Rosalie had found a new way to torture me.

This was becoming ridiculous, I fumed. I was letting the smell of a puny human control me. I was an immortal, for crying out loud. She was just a passing fancy that smelled better than all the other drab humans that surrounded her. And I wanted her to be a passing fancy every second of every day in my miserable life as she was the only joy in it. In the past three days she'd brought me to my knees. But she was human. And a fantastic chess opponent. I should be able to control her with ease. Although she showed the stubbornness of her unhinged relations at present. I had a superior brain after all, despite lacking a functioning soul, or morals. But still. I fretted, this should not be happening as my breathing started to accelerate and I felt a smashing sensation squeezing my chest. These dratted human symptoms picked the worst times to manifest.

"Edward, would you mind if I calmed you? You'll perform better that way." I nodded absentmindedly. Jasper sent a wave of that sentiment in my direction.

Calm? I was perfectly calm. I was complete toast. She was never going to speak to me again and I did not know why, mentally, I wailed. Jasper scowled and sent another round of calmfire at me. Actually that time seemed to work. I still realized that she would never speak to me again, but somehow could not seem to mind. And I gave her a hazy smile.

Well, if my not saying anything was harming my human, I had to show my family I had resolve. And myself, of course. And her. And the rest of the school who hung on our every word, damn them all to perdition. Tyler thought it would be a great idea to get together with my singer and drive her to the festival in his van. That was, I'm sorry to say, my breaking point as I bent my fork that I'd pretended to drop under the table. I remembered the vision Mary Alice had experienced of the last time his van had approached my singer and the bloody consequences that had, thank the Sweet Lord in High, not occurred. And slaying him in public would be rude. And messy.

"And unnecessary," Jugurtha chided. "Open your mouth and ask her to the festival. Now!" he commanded. The fork in my hand mysteriously vanished thanks to one of my sneaky siblings.

"Bella, are you planning on journeying to the festival tonight?" I blurted. Her features flashed a bit of panic before she blushed and bit her lower lip.

Emmett told me at vampire pitch, "Edward, you need to make my words more modern."

What was wrong with 'festival'? Now he criticized my noun choice?

"I made plans to meet Angela. My father is taking me." She answered with care, her voice quiet.

"Oh."

Rosalie hissed in Xeta, "She's not rejecting you Edward."

It sure sounded like it to me. The whole table stared at us. And the surrounding ones as well.

Jasper kicked my ankle and at vampire pitch said, "Repeat after me, Edward. Would you do me the honor of allowing me to accompany you at the festival this evening?"

I managed to spit that line out in a smooth manner, despite the look of manly desperation Emmett noticed in my eyes. I even breathed on her. Three times. Much to the amusement of my family.

Somehow, I avoided arousing Jessica Stanley in the process who mentally wailed, "God how sick is that. It's cruel fate that he asked her not me. I know he's sending those flowers to Mom to hide that he really likes me. He's just shy and doesn't know how to say it. I have to try harder." I may have been a depraved soulless beast, but even I had benchmarks, which she, fortunately would never meet. I avoided looking at the delusional damsel.

"I thought you were going camping?" my singer sounded guarded. Her friends watched enthralled. Jessica thought she was insane, ironically enough. Some girl at the next table named Lisa couldn't believe how stupid I was being in asking that dull girl out. Ben thought to himself that I was "manning up" after all.

Drat. I had mentioned leaving that night days ago. Curses. Seeing the rainclouds outside inspiration struck, "The weather changed. It's going to pour where we planned on camping." Not like that had stopped us before, but humans became hysterical about precipitation. I had Jacob Black's example in my mind as he bumbled through the rain. My brain tried to skip over the whole crying on the ground episode that I had scoffed at earlier. Perhaps he'd had a good reason to cry, I considered charitably. After all, I had cried in my singer's arms and I was still very much a man. Well kind of a man. A very confused kind of immortal man. Blast.

"Tell her your plan for the evening," Jugurtha bellowed. "Now."

"Would you like to meet there and I'll take you home? That way you can spend some time with Angela earlier." 'And once I have you in my clutches, I'll never let you leave my lair that I intend on dragging you to and holding you captive forevermore,' seemed a bit over the top. So I didn't say it.

Ben thought to himself that would work perfectly because he wanted Angela to himself that night. He smiled at me in thanks.

"That would be nice." Cautiously the words finally emerged from her lips. I almost sighed. My entire family mentally cheered.

I whispered at Jasper at vampire pitch, "I offer you my gratitude."

"That's what brothers are for, Edward."

"And sisters, too." Mary Alice and Rosalie beamed.

"You know Edward for an uptight repressed male, you certainly have shown you can be awfully motivated where Bella is concerned," Rosalie actually teased at vampire pitch. I thought she was going to reach out and pinch one of my singer's cheeks like you would a small child.

My girlfriend's face seemed to brighten then. I felt like the sun had emerged from a clouded sky illuminating my life when I saw her hesitant smile.

"So Edward." She started. I wondered why she still seemed sad.

"So Bella," I finished. Trying to cheer her with my gaze. I watched in wonder as her lips tentatively curved upward.

"I've a strong urge to beat you senseless. In chess. Of course." She used my own line against me, the impertinent scamp.

Emmett took a large bite out of his hamburger making sure to chew with relish. He hissed at me that I had to eat food if he did. I took another bite of congealed pizza, pretending the texture didn't feel like sandpaper grating on my tongue, thankful I didn't need the fork I'd destroyed earlier. I happily took out the board and arranged the black pieces as she arranged the white ones. Looking her in the eye as I handed her the white king that had fallen over, I said, "My lady, I believe you have the first move."

---

AN: Oh my sweet baby Jesus. He finally asked her out on a REAL date. You all are so going to love the next chapter. Swear. Edward after being forced for moral purposes to observe the debauchery of the newborns arranged their expulsion in record time. He'll need therapy for years to wipe the mental images of those hoydens from his mind. The Denali coven proved resourceful in handling the newborns and gave new meaning to the term flesh peddler, as they framed eight gullible caught-with-their-pants-down-humans for participating in an orgy they actually never had. The newborns had a rather memorable stomach churning first encounter with the wolf pack. Paula, in particular, gave Mary Sue her best. Tanya flung down a challenge to the newborns, one they moronically accepted, and enlisted them in the Cullen/Denali Army to Overtake Forks and Destroy Haughty-Oscan-Shrieking-Aristocratic Immortals. The Vancouver Coven sent their aid. Sort of. Rosalie managed to uncover that Bella has been having visions of how Jasper's family died, and possibly the Violet Gorgon, too. Edward managed to seriously offend his dear little not speaking to him algae lover and couldn't figure out what he had actually done. In desperation he turned to his family and committee and the local wildlife for support in the courting of his girlfriend. And he finally asked her out on a Real Date.

I've left links on my profile for a few things.

The Blaeu Atlas from 1645 was used to pick the newborns' hometown which really did exist.

There is an Oscan-English dictionary which proved helpful in the writing of this chapter.

And I left a picture of the flower Edward left on Bella's pillow as well as the view Hezekiah showed Edward as they talked at the end of the chapter.

AN on Edward: I've had a few readers question whether or not Edward watched Mary Sue shower. No. Ew. This is the guy whose been leaving the house for years the second one of the couples in the house gets amorous. He is not remotely attracted to the newborns - repulsed actually. Also, I feel the need to point out that Edward has an awful lot on his plate. Hezekiah has told him that he's the equivalent of a newborn vampire and newborn wolf - so his emotions are raging from time to time - and he can be a bit unpredictable. Using the wolf gifts comes at a cost (vomiting, blinding headaches, passing out, weakness, agonizing body pain, that whole heartbeat starting and stopping dealio) and he is using them in this chapter on multiple levels. He's monitoring the Cullen home and the wolves, he's searching the area for Violet Gorgon and her minions, he's translating the thoughts of the newborns and feeding them mentally to his siblings (a trick which ordinarily he'd need Hezekiah's staff to do and one that in and of itself is painful to do), he's got multiple shields up and around Bella, and then there's that irritating force that knocks on the doorway to her soul from time to time that also hurts. He's got all that on his plate and he's trying to carry on a conversation at the same time. His decisions in this chapter regarding Tyler he probably wouldn't have made in more calm circumstances. Yes, he is clueless on social cues and so clueless he's not realizing how clueless he is. And when you combine that with arrogance and make the person shy - that's a lethal combination. It reinforces itself. Edward avoids people because he's shy and therefore doesn't get to have practice conversing with them and working on controlling that fear. Same deal with Bella (although she doesn't look down on people). And him fuming about how she's just a human – by reminding himself of how powerful he is – he's really acknowledging the power she has over him.

Bella for her part was perfectly capable to telling Edward that he had offended her and what he had done. But since she's non-confrontational she said nothing and avoided him. So she, too, holds responsibility in the conflict they had in the chapter.

Stay tuned for the next chapter, which most definitely will be fun. Lots of fun. Swear.

The newborns are swearing to remain celibate if you review. Tanya is promising to be naughty. Starched Shirt Edward would like to aid them (the newborns that is) in their feat and is therefore pleading with you, and Saint Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, for feedback.