A/N: We're getting there, we're getting there.
Red Lotus
Chapter 38: The Proemial
Routine.
It was not a word he knew anymore. His life had shifted and every day brought a new surprise, every day brought a new routine. He had started to get used to spending time alone with his daughter and then - and then she started requiring more. Now, if the two of them were not present at the same time, she would throw a fit. It was the most insane and time consuming of her habits. At first, he argued that they should not be indulging into her every fit and tantrum, but then it became obvious that if he wanted to keep his ability to hear, he had to follow through with his daughter's request. And so, Kagome and him began to spend nearly every second together from the moment he came home from work to the moment he left on the next day.
It should have been strange, it should have been too much - but it was fine.
One moment did stay with him though, the moment he felt her heart. It should not have synced.
But it did.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, when sleep should have claimed him, he could still hear the echo of her heart in his head. He should not be able to do such a thing, and yet he was. It plagued him, it followed him. And he did not know how to stop it. Why did he mattered to him what her heart sounded like? Why did he need to hear it over and over again? It made no sense. And yet there it was. It buzzed in his ears, it pumped through his blood and he could not forget it. Although they had been together a lot recently, they were never alone. The only moment he found himself with her and only her was at night when they laid in the bed they shared. But, by then, Kagome was completely exhausted and she usually would fall asleep within seconds.
And why did it matter?
Now he laid in the bed while she was in the shower, cleaning off milk stains and burps from her skin. She always smelled like Natsuki, all the time. The baby scent was impregnated in her skin. Or was it that her scent was forever changed now? He could not say what it was but he had the feeling as though he was constantly hovering over her and he disliked it. He tried to further sink his head in his pillow as he closed his eyes, hoping sleep would claim him prior to her return.
Unfortunately, he did not have such luck.
His brain was still running by the time she opened the bedroom door and re-entered.
"I think I managed to be quiet enough," she said with excitement. She had learned the hard way that even the smallest of noises could wake up her daughter and she was trying to avoid that. She was both physically and mentally drained. Even though she had already expected parenting to be the hardest thing she would ever do, it was even more difficult than she originally thought. Of course, it did not help that their situation was somewhat adding another kind of stress.
Somehow though, their daughter's insistence for both their presences had almost made it easier. She did not have to ask to be present, she did not have to request for his presence - they were simply always there together. It was both marvellous and frustrating the amount of skills that came to him so naturally. Although he kept his fear of being unable to bond, he did always know what to know while she looked like a chicken without its head. She was so terrified of making a mistake, of ruining her that she always went over the limit. He did not seem to carry that kind of stress on his shoulders. They were quite different - but then again, it also made them somewhat complimentary.
"I do believe she might be asleep for some time."
Twice the attention, twice the energy taken.
"Well, my feet are killing me."
Motherhood had provided her with an unexpected surge of adrenaline but as the days went by, she did notice that her energy levels were slowly regressing to what they were before. Her poor abused feet were throbbing with pain, and all she wanted was to put her feet up. She let herself fall upon the bed, exhaustion taking over her body as she let her eyes close shut. Kagome was fairly certain that sleep would claim her and she would be transported to the realms of dreams. However, a startling action jolted her awake, forcing her to stare down at her feet only to find the most startling sight that she had ever witnessed. Sesshomaru sat on the edge of the bed, and he was slowly massaging her feet. She felt like her throat was clamming up, and she could not catch her breath.
He was not even looking at her and instead, he was focusing all of his attention, including his shiny amber eyes, on her feet, his slender fingers working knots she did not even know she had. Her lips parted and an accidental groan of relief passed her mouth. What had brought upon this massage? She was not sure but she did experience a mixture of shame and pleasure.
"Y-you don't have to do this," she managed to say through the torture of his pleasant ministrations.
"I do not mind."
She had gone through the hardest part of the work. It was natural that he would help relieve some of the discomfort she was experiencing. He had not thought about it; the thought came to him quite naturally once he had noticed her state of distress. Why was she startled by it?
Her back was stiff at first but since he made no attempt to top, she finally learned to relax, and allowed him to bring her some much needed relief. Her eyes were closed once more and she basked in the wonderful skill and tenderness of his hands. Her skin heated up, a layer of sweat accumulating upon her flesh as she was unable to control her own reactions. Unbeknownst to her, the sounds she was making her affecting him as well. Sesshomaru was beginning to experience the boiling of his blood as he caressed her soft skin while the sweet sounds of her voice were enticing him. Slowly, he let his hands slide up to her ankles, her fingers gliding across the soft skin of her legs.
Sesshomaru waited for a hitch of her breath, a change in her demeanour but all he received was the stiffness of her body. Her eyes remained closed, not allowing him to read the expression and need reflecting in them. He could not pinpoint the origin of his own need, or the reason for his craving but it was vividly present. He spent the day with her, he was always by her side and yet he needed this.
Her skin was like liquid fire; it had been a long time since he had laid his hands on her like this. She was too weak to pull away and she had to ignore the own pounding of her heart, fighting against her. There was an emptiness, an ache forming in the pit of her stomach and she had to push it aside. There was so much she wanted and she was unsure if this would make her forget it, or it would make her miss it more. Did it matter that there were things she would never have? Sensations she would never experience? But it was such a slippery slide and it was easy for her to fall back into old habits. She arched her back, unconsciously offering more of her body to him. By the time she opened her eyes again, his position had shifted and he was now trapping her body with his sturdy legs.
She held her breath, watching him as he closed the distance between their bodies, his lips ready to touch her neck as she shivered in anticipation. It had been a difficult experience and she needed comfort - actually she needed his warmth and his comfort. Kagome was unable to stop herself as she lifted her arms and wrapped them around his strong body, burying her face in his chest. She fought back tears she did not even know she was holding back while trying to find a solace that would never quite be hers. She had to release him but she could not.
He felt his chest become wet and suddenly, everything he had planned had to cease. Slowly, while trying to keep his movements to a minimum, he shifted his position, allowing him to lay on his side. He did his best to keep her nestled within his chest as to not disturb her. Once they were moved and placed, he brought a hand to her hair, and gently began to stroke it. He let her cry while he remained in a perfect silence while her body shook within his hold as though she was about to shatter into pieces. He felt it right there; a twisting pain in his guts, an emptiness as though he was not doing enough.
"I am here."
Why did he feel the need to say those words?
It could not be explain, but he had to free them from the confine of his chest.
-R-
You cannot stop thinking about her.
You find her quirks charming.
You love spending time with her.
You start thinking about the future and she's in it.
A long sigh passed his lips as he allowed himself a long blink. What kind of science was this? Then again, what did he expect? There he was, fully awake in the middle of the night, googling love feelings. Did he truly expect that he would find good answers? How could these possibly be measurement of how one was in love? How can the markers indicate if someone loved another. And why in the world was he even wasting his time on this? Why did he need a computer to tell him this, why did he need to spend his night looking for answers he would not find? And why did it matter what love felt like?
He had experienced it in his own way before. He had experiences that could qualify as love. Had he not love Rin? Had he not felt a connection to her as though she were his daughter? Then again, what he felt for Natsuki and what he felt for Kagome was different. A fatherly loved could not be compared to another type of love. He had never loved another. And he knew, he could not feel for Kagome what she wanted or needed. Did they not have this conversation in the past? And then again, had he not laid in bed, holding her until she fell asleep? Why had he done so? There was many of his behaviors that he could not explain, which seemed to slowly push him towards insanity.
As if his brain was not buzzing enough, a silent moan of discomfort was heard, forcing his ears to twitch. It was not coming from Kagome; it was his daughter.
Sesshomaru had no desire to awake Kagome. He did not want to face her while trouble feelings stirred inside of him. He gracefully and silently headed towards the small bathroom and opened the door with all the quietness he could manage. Inside, he found his daughter fussing and tossing. He approached the crib until he was hovering over it, and then hooked his fingers to the edge. "I know what you are doing little one."
As soon as he spoke, she quieted down.
He was not going to wake up Kagome for this. He did not care what kind of tantrum she threw, the situation would not change.
However, it seemed she understood his stance on the situation because she ceased her fussing. He knew he could do this. It appeared that she could feel and sense his energy. He did not quite feel like he had a grasp on it yet, or that he was bonded to her but he was reacting to him more and more and he had to take that as a good sign. Still, he did not appreciate the way he was being manipulated. She was nothing more than a newborn and yet she was founding ways to control his life already. He could not imagine how this could even turn out in the future.
Him, searching the internet for answers.
It could not be a way to rectify his problem and it was almost shameful. Most of the situations that came up in his life, he kept to himself. He had shared a few with Kagome but this was not a conversation he could have with her for obvious reasons. It left her with very little options. Of course, there was one person he knew of - but he could not possibly sink that low for such a foolish matter…
Could he?
-R-
"I did not picture you as a bar guy."
He did not even assume that Sesshomaru was the type of socialize.
Sesshomaru offered a mere hn, in Izu's direction before taking a seat at the bar. He could not even remember the last time he had stepped foot in this type of establishment; not longer enough was the answer. He disliked the smells, he disliked the people and he was not a fan of the atmosphere.
Meanwhile, Izu was sitting, clutching his fingers around his glass. He was not friend with Lord Sesshomaru but when someone of his stature calls, he knew better than to turn him down. He found the situation and location a bit peculiar but he did not mention it. After all, there had to be a reason for this call. He knew it had nothing to do with his daughter or Kagome and her health which did not leave many options. Sesshomaru was not a man of many hobbies or friends. Then why did he want to meet up with him alone?
"I would require advice," he finally said.
He did not want to do this. He did not want to lower himself to this level, but life did not provide him with many other options. He quickly signal to the bartender that he would like a beer - to keep up the appearance, even if he was not going to drink it - and then made sure to avoid eye contact with Izu. He did not need to embarrass himself further. "What is your experience with mating?"
Izu nearly choked on his sip as the word mating slipped Sesshomaru's mouth. This was the topic of conversation? Never in a million years did he expect to be the reference on the matter. Especially not in a conversation with Lord Sesshomaru.
"I was mated once."
It was not an experience he minded sharing but it was something that was attached to some sore feelings. He had loved his mate from the bottom of his soul and it had wrecked him to lose her. For a while, he had found himself in a type of darkness that he had never experienced before. She had been taken during the overthrow of the humans and he had been forced to roam the centuries without her presence in his life. It had left an empty hole, and he had never found anyone else. Perhaps he could have, but he had never wanted to erase her memory. Also, it was not as easy as before to be a youkai and it came with too many restrictions. He liked his life alone.
Sesshomaru did not need to push his questioning any further to know he had lost her to death. Many had during the difficult years. "Did you plan on mating her?"
"I did." She had impressed him with her skills, her beauty and her fearlessness. He had never once looked at another female.
"And how did it feel?"
"How did what feel?"
He did not ask questions about Sesshomaru and his situation with Kagome. Frankly, he felt it might be impolite to impose. He knew it was complicated and he figured there was nothing else to know.
"How did you feel for her once you were mated?"
He was asking questions that he should never be asking. Not only that, but he was prying into someone's personal life, something he never cared for in the past. Why did he care about feelings? Why did he care about someone's life and past? They were pieces of information that did not concern him - but he was asking. What had he become?
"Intense." He remembered the explosion of feelings on that first night, the way his fangs had felt when he had broken the skin. He would never forget that feeling. "It was - everything from before but more."
"Hn."
"It was not the bond that made me love her, that was me. It kept us together, it made us love each other more but it didn't make me love her."
One with eyes could see that perhaps there was more than a regular mating when it came to Sesshomaru and Kagome. However, there was no mistaken the fear in Sesshomaru's eyes when Kagome had been in danger, or the way he stepped on his ego for her. There was something more there and a bond could not force two people together.
A bond could not force one to love? The bond had forced him to give into the pleasures of the flesh, had it not? Or had it simply tempted him? Changed him? He could not tell anymore. He was so different than who he used to be before sinking his fangs into her neck.
Why did any of it matter? Why did he need to know?
-R-
There was a strange presence.
Kagome slowly opened her eyes, one by one, only to find Sesshomaru looming above her, his eyes locked on her form. He had left her a message telling her he would be home late and she did not ask any questions. After all, she knew he had work, she knew he had matters to attend to, and Sesshomaru was a responsible person. If he said he had to stay out late, it was because something had to get done. Jealousy was not even a feeling she could have in this case. He had spent all these years completely alone and he had never even been with someone until he was forced to break his stride with her. What would there be to be jealous about?
"Hey, everything alright?" she asked before clearing her throat, trying to shed the sleepiness that surrounded it.
"Yes." No. He did not obtain what he sought but nothing could be done about it. His plan had been foolish from the beginning and he should have never gone through with it. "Natsuki is sleeping?"
She nodded. "She fell asleep pretty quickly."
Kagome had expected it to be a nightmare since Sesshomaru was not present but their daughter had decided to be compliant, which Kagome was grateful about. She needed a bit of quietness. She had meant to watch a movie while she waited for Sesshomaru to return but it appeared that she had fallen asleep. "Are you hungry?"
He shook his head. That disgusting beer was the only thing he could taste despite the fact that he had barely taken a sip.
"I think I'm gonna head to bed."
Awkwardness was not the right word to describe the situation between them but it came close. After all, she did not know where they stood. He had touched her, she had reacted to him, they spent an insane amount of time together - but there was yet to be a label on them. Then again, Sesshomaru enjoyed the way they lived, she was the one who had issues.
Unfortunately for Kagome, her plan to head to bed was pushed back as the sounds of cries echoed through the apartment. Somebody had sensed their arrival of their father and wanted attention. "Maybe this whole bonding thing was a bad idea," she said with a smile.
He acknowledged the humor with a tilt of the head, and proceeded to follow her into their daughter's bedroom. Inside, they found her, her tiny fists into balls and her small arms waving around the place.
"Come on," Kagome said as she retrieved her from her crib. "Do you mind if we go to the bedroom?" She did not have the energy to stand around until their daughter calmed down and now that Sesshomaru was here, she figured she might be able to combine taking care of Natsuki and resting at the same time.
He nodded.
All three of them moved to the bedroom, and Sesshomaru was the first to sit down. He pushed the pillows properly, allowing him to be sitting up with padding on his back. Once he was fully settled in, they resume a position they had used a lot in the past few days. Kagome crawled in between his legs with their daughter secure in her hold and she rested her back against his chest. His arms came around her, allowing one of his hands to rub Natsuki's back. Once everyone was settled in, Kagome allowed her head to drop backward and she nestled it in the crook of his neck. Immediately, her eyes closed and she let rest take over her. Her breathing slowed down as Sesshomaru stared down at his mate and daughter.
There was something there.
Something tugging at his heart.
He could feel both of their warmth, both of their presences and - and something was different. He could not explain it. Nothing he had read, nothing Izu had told him could help him define this feeling. Was it even a feeling? He could not put his finger on it. He felt complete. He lived a lonely life all by himself for a long time. He needed nothing and no one. He went through the day mechanically, and he let the years pass him by. And now she was here - actually they were here and it was different. They were things he never had before, things he never thought he would want. Now that he had both things in his arms, he wondered. How would it feel if someone snatched them away from him?
Izu had lost a mate. He had been in pain.
Would he be in pain if he lost the both of them?
But that could not be love. He could grow accustomed to their presences, he could enjoy having them there… did that make it love?
Why love? What was necessary about love? Had he felt that for Kagome when he first met up with her again? He had not. Then again, back then he did not know much about her. She had been the equivalent of a stranger. Did you need to know someone to be able to love them? He did not know. This was foreign territory for him and he - he was lost.
"I enjoy your presence."
These simply words were enough for Kagome's eyes to flash back open. Her lips parted but she was robbed from her voice; what did he expect her to say to this.
"Good."
That sounded awful.
That was not good.
Good was in no way an appropriate answer.
"Good?"
"What do you want me to say Sesshomaru," she whispered, hoping to not disturb their daughter. She had already told Sesshomaru everything she had to tell him. There were no more words hidden inside of her, any other secret ways to tell him how she felt. This was it. If he had anything to say - which she knew he did not - good for him. But all she could offer was silence.
He did not have an answer to provide her. He did not know if he even wanted her to say something. He did not even know why he said it himself. All he could was lean forward until his head was pressed to hers. He closed his eyes and let the quietness wrap around him.
It was not fair.
He was not fair.
She was fighting to find a middle ground, a place where both of them could be comfortable but he kept running it for her - for them. "You can't say things like that."
"Hn?"
"You can't say things like that," she repeated. He was dangerous for her fragile hear. "You know how I feel."
He did. And he had always thought he made himself clear as well. Did he change? He had not. Then why did he say it?
"It felt necessary to say."
She did not know if he was trying to make it better but he was making it worse. And it did not help that he was doing so while she was holding their daughter meaning that her movements were restricted. He was pulling at her heart while they were sitting there as a family.
"Why?"
"I am uncertain."
"You can't do this." She sighed. "She needs me. I can't be a mess."
She was tired of being sad, she was tired of being weak. Natsuki was demanding everything from her and she found that she did not have enough to give. If she wasted all of her energy on Sesshomaru, what would be left for her daughter? She could not afford to take that risk. She could not let her heart go to him, especially when he would not know what to do with her heart.
"My intention is not to make you uneasy."
"You are."
"How does it feel?"
He was asking the question he was not supposed to ask her.
"How does what feel?"
"Love."
Her breath stayed caught in her throat. She knew he had to be talking about their daughter. She had already poured her heart out to him and he had not said a word. He had not returned it, he had not promises her flowers, butterflies and love. He could not change. It was the one thing they had agreed on. Sesshomaru was who he was, and he was not someone who could love her as she sought. But there he was, asking her the meaning of love.
"It's not something that can be explained." Nobody had the definition down. "Everyone experiences it differently."
"How does it feel for you?"
He had tried avoiding this. He had tried to not have her explain it to him, but as she laid in his arms, all these hearts syncing with his - he was at a loss. What was he supposed to feel? What was he supposed to say? Izu had described to him things he had never felt, connections that could be had with a mate. Never ever had he noticed or felt these things will in Kagome's presence. Was it because he could not feel them, because he did not feel them or was it because they were not present yet? And did it matter? Why did he need to know what these strange sensations were? Why did it matter to him?
"I-I don't know."
He had humiliated her more than once when it came to feelings. She had bore her heart to him and she had obtained nothing in return. Why did he want to stick that blade further in? Why did he need to lay out her pain for all to see? "It's just something you know. It's warm, its - it's your heart swelling… it's the need to be with the other person. I- I don't know."
She did not know how or when she had fallen in love with Inuyasha. It had been her first love and it had taken her by surprise - she just knew. She thought the second time around, it would be different but it was not. Again, her love for Sesshomaru happened. Actually, she was fairly certain that it did not just happen, but it felt that way. It simply hit her one day that she had grown to have feelings for him. There was no other way to explain it. How was she to put feelings into words? Maybe if he could feel more, it would be easier to explain, but it was not the case. He would never get it and she would be wasting her time.
"I enjoy your presence."
He sat it so nonchalant, as though he spoke of the weather. Except, he was connecting his words to what she had said earlier. Why was he doing this to her? Her heart skipped a beat.
"Are you fine?"
"I'm fine."
"Your heart was beating strangely."
"My heart?"
He nodded.
Why was he speaking about her heart? Why was he feeling her heart?
"Sesshomaru, what is this about?"
"I do not know."
That was not a good enough answer either.
"What does it matter? Why do you need to know what love feels like?"
"I do not know."
He had almost lost her, and then he had thought he was losing their daughter. She had been sick, he had wanted to protect her. He did not mind if things remained as they were. He did not mind if nothing ever changed, and yet there he was. He was asking, he was pushing. He was not one who encouraged for things to change. He enjoyed it when situations remained as they were. Then why was he trying to break a working situation? There was no need for that.
"I apologize," he settled on.
He would not make it worse, he would not speak of it again. He had been alone, he had gone through like as though he had no emotion. There was no problem for him to stop whatever feeling was forming in his chest. He did not want it and he did not need it.
"I can't do this right now." They had been in a good place. They had been finding their rhythm as parents, they had been taking care of their daughter and she had found a balance in her life; he could not take that away from her. "Don't say things you can't do."
Usually, he brushed up a few of her outbursts but now that he had been victim of a few of these himself, it was not the same. It was not as easily pushed aside. Despite how logical he was attempting to be towards the situation, he had to admit she was not completely wrong. He should not do this. They were going in circle and the result was always the same. Natsuki was the priority and nothing else. She had held her part of the bargain and he had done the same. Except for this life and the bond, there was nothing else tying them down.
But he wanted to be here.
He wanted to be in this situation.
That was the problem.
That was the one thing he could not get rid of, the one feeling that kept following him. He wanted to be here.
But he would respect her wishes. He kept his mouth shut, and he stared down at the women in his arms.
Despite the tension in the atmosphere, despite the unanswered questions - he was at peace.
He was content.
Did that count?
-R-