All of Our Somedays: The Life of Severus Snape

by smolconfusedpeach

Someday Severus' father will stop drinking- or at least that's what his mother says. Someday people will see that he isn't just the dirty son of a drunkard. Someday he knows that he'll be powerful, rich, and loved; however, sometimes our somedays never come true. I am a junior in college- my writing style is developed and personal.

38. Chapter 38

When I get back to school, I put on an air of confidence. I continue to tutor the younger students. One of them is getting quite good- even though she started out below grade level, as a second year, she is now working on third year potions. I am really proud of her progress, and even told her parents that they didn't need to pay me anymore. Honestly, it makes me happy just seeing how she has progressed, but they told me not to be silly, and that they are happy to pay me for the hard work I put in. They say they hope their daughter becomes half the potioneer that I am, and the girl tells me that when she grows up, she wants to be like me. If they only knew how miserable my life really is, I wonder if they would still say that.

The rest of the year rolls by in a blur. Most nights I stand in front of the mirror, pinching the fat on my body and wondering how much thinner I could be. How much more attention would I get if I lost more weight? How much weight would I have to lose to get the most attention possible? For so long, I have been defined by my weight and my intelligence, I feel as if they are my only defining qualities. I always have to make myself smarter and thinner to keep the acceptance and attention I have gained. I am 5 foot 7, and 120 pounds of useless waste. Sometimes, I use the razor that I have never had to use on my face to cut my forearms. The pain feels good- it numbs the inner turmoil in my brain. Watching the blood seep out of the cuts stabilizes me. I deserve to suffer- I am ugly, I am stupid, I am fat, I am the reason, it is my fault.

At the end of the year I get Outstandings in everything except Charms and Astronomy. As if I care about them, anyway. When I receive the news that I achieved Mastery level on the Potions exam, Lucius, my friends, and my students throw me a party. They insist that I eat a whole slice of the cake. I can feel the eyes on me, and want to fade away into nothing.

After graduation, I collapse onto my bed as my friends pack their trunks up. None of us speaks. I think we all know that nothing will ever be the same again.