Chapter 38

"Did you ask him?" Nikki asked, pouring out the coffee. She'd been so tempted to listen at the door, she loved hearing Leo's soft high voice.

"I did," Harry replied nervously.

"And I mean: did you ask him what made him start talking again?…"

"I know,"

"So what did he say?" Nikki half laughed, Harry hadn't teased her like this since he'd been back, he'd kept everything factual, always kept her at arms-length. But the shock of Leo speaking had given the day more of a party atmosphere despite the status quo of the housing situation.

"He said..." He raised an eyebrow conspiratorially. "He said…"

"Harry, get on with it."

"He said that you didn't understand sign so well, and he didn't know the sign for marry. So if he was going to ask you to marry him, he'd have to talk, so he did."

Nikki stared at Harry. "He did not!" she stuttered.

"He did!"

"Harry what are we going to do?"

"I don't know," Harry admitted.

There was a long silence. Nikki flicked her finger and thumb and Harry rubbed his jaw.

"It's all I can afford," "Is it true?" they said simultaneously.

"What?" they echoed.

"Is what true?" Harry asked. "You've seen my hourly rate, you know it's true."

"Back at that flat. You signed to Leo that you loved my house." Nikki signed as she said the words.

Harry stared at her, why did he always underestimate her? How many years had he known her? Why did he always make the same mistakes? He'd let his guard down today, Leo may have played the ace of spades but it was Nikki who was holding the rest of the good cards.

"Your signing's not as bad as Leo thinks," Harry commented. But as soon as he had said it, it was clear this was not the answer Nikki was wanting.

"Yes, it's true." He said quietly.

"So why are you in such a hurry to leave?"

"Because the longer we stay the harder it will become to leave, look at what happened today Nikki. I've left it too late already."

"You are allowed to be happy you know." Nikki proclaimed.

"What?"

"You need to forgive yourself." Harry gaped at her open mouthed.

"I… I…"

"I know you've had a rough time of it Harry. I know it's never been easy for you and I know you think it's all your fault. But just imagine if you can, imagine that it's not your fault and you are not to blame for Laurie's addiction or her accident."

"But I am!"

"Did you hold the drugs under her nose? Did you buy them for her? Did you condone her actions when you found out? Did you try and help her? Were you driving the truck that hit her?"

"I kicked my own wife out of our house!"

"Back to her parent's mansion! Harry give yourself a break for once."

"I can't," Harry moaned, but it was more of a whimper than a shout.

Nikki surveyed him silently. His shoulders were slumped and he reminded her of the man she'd met in the office back in the summer, almost six months ago. She shook her head. She'd done her best. How could she rescue a lost child that didn't want to be found?

"Maybe you should take a look at what you've got and not just look at what you've lost. And while you're at it, you can have a think about what I might want. Not what you think I deserve." She turned on her heel and left him alone.

Harry gripped the back of a kitchen chair and fought the urge to throw it across the room. All he'd wanted was just some place quiet to live his life and work and raise his family. He was used to Leo's silence, he was overjoyed that he had started speaking again but it was just so exhausting. His signs were always based in a reality of the here and now and relied on guess work and context. But by talking Leo had opened up a whole fantasy world that Harry felt he had no part of.

He slung himself into the chair. The most nagging voice in his head was the one that accused him of not being honest with his son. He had loathed Laurie's lies. They had undermined everything he thought he knew about their relationship. And yet he had chosen not to tell Leo overtly that the flat was just for the two of them. It had been the first thing Nikki had spotted.

Harry knew in his heart that Leo would have assumed that Nikki would still be with them. Had he omitted to tell him to provide a way back? He'd even asked her along. Why had he done that? So that they could return if Leo threw the predictable tantrum. Or was he just trying to test them both out? And why had he said he loved Nikki's house. He hadn't expected her to understand. Somewhere deep inside a feeling long squashed re-emerged. It wasn't Nikki's house that Harry loved. It was Nikki.

He scrubbed his hands through his hair. He'd told Nikki on so many occasions that he was not who she wanted. He was just Harry. She would be better off without him and yet… and yet…