Catwoman 35

"Seriously?" I ask the woman standing beside the emergency room bed with little computer thingy.

"You're still at…," and she rattles off my address.

"Yes. Ooooh." I am so miserable. Angela has driven me here to Forks General. Now Ben sticks his head in the door.

"Where's Riley?" I ask, wanting to explode, but knowing whatever is happening in my side is not going to blow, it's just going to hang at the point of explosion…forever.

"He's…."

I don't listen.

Ben comes deeper into the examining room where I'm rolling around on the table as the admissions worker leaves.

"Ohhh, you're about to hear the f-word," I moan.

"Would you like a scripture quote about unwholesome talk?"

"I'll cut you." But saying that was just so good, I mentally laughed. I peaked at Ben, and the look on his face, he was still the high school boy I loved to shock.

"I suppose you're not above prayer?" His tone, so funny.

"What do you think?"

So he prayed for me, and his prayers were always so sincere and good. I loved him.

"Edward on his way home?"

"I don't know." Me.

He's shaking his head. Angela says he lives in perpetual dismay, never hardened or jaded by anything we do as he seems to immediately forget our dastardly deeds and be shocked afresh each time we reveal our dysfunctions.

In other words, he still has expectations. Poor Ben.

"Do you want me to keep trying to get ahold of him?"

"Nooooo," I sing out, ready to scream.

"Why not? Bella…I know you. Don't you dare do what I think you're doing."

"Okay. I'll stop being…sick."

"You know what I mean. You're deliberately not telling him so you can prove how he's not here."

I laugh a little, and gasp at the pain. "F-word," I say.

"What? Bella, if you can't be Christ-like, how about shooting for a little maturity."

"Is…," I grimace, "there a difference?"

He blows out a breath. His glasses catch so much light I can't see his eyes. Ben is not a handsome man, but he's kind of an adorable geek. I can't wait until this is over and I can relate it around the table one night, head-light eyes. That's if I can ever eat again.

"I have Edward's number programmed into my phone, you know. How about I give him a call? He'll never forgive himself if he misses your surgery."

"Wish I could miss it. They'll wait until it calms down anyway," I choke out.

"Bella…this is one of those moments where you have to be aware of another even though you're suffering."

"Call him. But I don't want to bother him. They're meeting with the editor this evening."

"Okay. But your selflessness is misplaced. Edward wants to be a husband first, not an author."

"Mmm-hmm," I answer, a new batch of sweat breaking out on my forehead.

"Hang in there, kiddo," he says squeezing my arm, his cell phone already in his hand.

The surgery is scheduled for the next afternoon. They're taking out my gall bladder. Edward is trying to get a flight home from New York. I have insisted, through Ben and then directly, that he stay for his meeting with the editor first. It won't do him any good to be here.

"You're just trying to prove to me that you don't need me!" he accused.

Ben had heard it as he was holding his phone to my ear. "Bullshit, Edward," I had cried. Ben had whispered, "unwholesome talk," as Edward had said, "Put Ben on the phone. You're not listening." And I went on to say, the golden sentence, "You proved I don't need you when you left with Peter knowing I'm not well."

Ben and Peter gasped in unison. Men.

Of course I was on pain meds. I was blaming them as I awaited his appearance. They'd already prepped me. Ben had picked Edward up at the airport in Port Angeles so I didn't have the added concern of my husband trying to drive in a state of upset. But they were running late and if I wasn't high as the proverbial kite, I'd be worried.

You see, Edward had insisted, insisted on cancelling with the editor. But I was feeling better, as long as I ate white rice in three tablespoon increments (meaning that was my meal) and drank water.

I was scheduled for surgery, but not for a month. So Edward had plenty of time to meet with the editor, then fly home, and build a small ark and gather cats before I went under the knife.

But then the big one happened. The day after he left, it hit around lunch time, no rhyme or reason, I hadn't even eaten my rice yet, but there it was, and I couldn't move much, or breathe much. Jasper came to the library and got me and took me home. Angela came to stay with me and insisted we go to the emergency room. That led to a rescheduling of my surgery.

So to say the thing I'd said about Edward not caring when I'd practically beaten him onto the plane, that was just the lowest blow.

I had wanted to hurt him. I didn't know why. I never knew I had such a mean streak. Love had brought it out. All alone, not married, not even dating, I'd looked rather bland. But with someone else I had to relate to, well all kinds of little barbed gems were showing up.

I had wanted to hurt Edward. Ben saw it. He was right. I wanted him to be away, and miss my surgery. I knew it would wound him. Deeply. I was diabolical.

I did want to show him I didn't need him. I liked the idea of showing him that, even though it wasn't true, and I ached for him. The gall-bladder issues were nothing. I needed an exorcism.

Edward burst into my room, wearing a white dress shirt that was more rumpled than any shirt I'd ever seen him in, and black dress pants that accentuated his narrow hips and trim waist and long legs. His hair was an explosion of red and brown. He was such a beautiful man.

"Wow," I said.

His face. I can't imagine what I looked like, high and starring at him with my mouth open. Whatever I was portraying, he threw down the carry on bag in his hand, and covered the space to my bed in like two strides.

He grabbed my hand with both of his. I saw his Adam's apple bobbing. His eyes…. I hadn't had a heart attack or something. I was expected to recover. What he really this worried?

He leaned over me and kissed me. I loved the way he smelled even though it was a little messed up from him being on a plane and being so afraid. I wanted to comfort him. I was such a bitch, such a bitch.

I had my hands on his face. He had tears when he closed his eyes. I couldn't handle his emotion. I needed positive. I was about to be split open here…well, a two or three inch incision, but still we're talking organ removal here. Don't tell me I'll never miss it. Just don't. That thing had some purpose besides stone delivery.

"Baby, my baby." He pressed his forehead to mine. "I should never have left, never have gotten on that plane. I'll never forgive myself."

"Stop it. Stop it."

"You think I don't care? I thought…I don't know what I thought. I'm not fit to be anybody's husband. This is what I tried to tell you…."

"Stop it. You're…perfect." We kissed again, but his kiss wasn't love it was guilt.

"Stop it," I slurred. "What happened at your meeting?" I wanted to know, but I was being all martyr-like and perfect. I disgusted myself.

"Who cares? They're taking you in in a few minutes. Are you scared? Don't be. It'll be okay. This guy's good, believe me I've checked."

"I know you have. I was there, remember? The phone calls?"

"Yeah," he laughed a little, but his forehead was still against mine, and his eyes were closed. He called this recharging. I don't know how he could think there was anything good in me to draw from.

"Mr. Cullen," the nurse said, they were here for me. I was going to be beamed up onto the mother ship and probed. I laughed, but then it looked a little loopy to the others I'm sure.

He kissed my hand and let it go. He mouthed "I love you," but he seemed ready to fall apart. Ben was in the hall, and I reached for him as they pushed me past. "…him," was all I could say, but he nodded reassurance.

"I've got him," he said.

Oh, God bless Ben.

Why are they waking me up? I'm sick to my stomach. Why didn't they just let me sleep? Fuckers.

"Hi," Edward says, bent over me, hands in his pockets.

I'm trying to adjust. Then I'm awake. I'm in my room again. "Hi."

The nurse is bustling around, talking so loudly. Edward is asking for more ice chips for me. He smiles at me, I smile at him. He's tucked his shirt in. And tried to comb his hair.

"Your hair is so great," I say.

He laughs a little. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm such a bitch." My face crumples, but I don't cry. I clear my throat. "I can't believe you married me. What were you thinking? I'm not good enough for you."

"You don't think so?" he's like amused.

"No. I'm so plain and boring. I have no talent. My creativity is like third grade level. Even lower. First grade level."

He pulls the one aqua colored chair close to the bed and sits. "I don't know. Those ceilings you painted in the old house…"

"Oh yeah. You told Vickie I was artsy."

He laughed again.

"Did you ever see her boobs?"

"Um…not intentionally."

"What does that mean? You saw them? Like…nipples?" I almost lift up, but immediately realize that's a mistake.

The nurse is back at high-volume again. I don't want to pee. I have to find out about Vickie. But she's dragging me up and Edward is rushing to my other side, and they're taking me the few steps to the john. "Just go out," I tell Edward because I don't do any peeing or pooping in front of him. I have my standards. So he goes out of the room because he knows the rules, and the lady helps me on and I go, but I'm seething. I knew he'd seen those things.

So when she's fussed around and put the circulatory socks on me, and covered me up he re-enters. She giggles around him, and I know a couple of them have come in here bogus-like just to see him.

When he's in the chair I continue. "I'm really, really pissed. Did you have sex with her?"

"No, Bella. Can we talk about something else? I already told you about my history with Vickie. It wasn't sexual."

"But you saw them. The dirigibles."

"You want to hear this? Really?"

"I bet you compare them to mine all the time."

"No, Bella. Yours leave me speechless. When I see them I'm hypnotized, unable to think of my own name much less any one elses' funbags."

"You are such a liar. I really need to watch you, don't I?"

"Bella…how are you feeling? Do you know how much I hated the idea of you going through this? I couldn't stand it. It took a long time."

"Don't change the subject. When did you see them?"

"I don't know. At camp. Some boy pulled her top down while we were swimming. I beat him up. I…needed to do something with the energy." He laughed.

"You whore."

"Stop."

"How many have you seen besides mine?"

"Pairs or individual breasts?" he asked. I didn't like his attitude.

"You're not even sorry."

He shrugged. "Not really. Can we talk about how you're feeling now?"

"I got a message on Facebook from that guy I dated when I went to see Alice and Rose, remember, right after you moved in?"

"Yes," he said like I was in gradeschool.

"We talked a little. Then he said he couldn't stop thinking about me."

He moved around in his seat. "And?"

"Nothing. I told Angela about it and she said, well what would you tell Edward if the situation was reversed? And I said…point taken. I unfriended him."

He looked at me for a minute. "Why did you talk to him in the first place?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. I didn't think it through. I…wanted to tell him I got married so he'd know and not show up again."

He kept looking at me.

"I know I'm a disappointment."

"Only when you say stupid stuff like that…like you're a disappointment."

"You're not disappointed in me? Not at all? Liar."

"Liar is a four-letter-word."

"Sorry. But I know I'm not easy."

He smiles. "Well, you kind of are."

"What? You said you liked that about me."

"I do. Believe me I do. Where does this guy who you dated live?"

"In Chicago. I told you."

"Have you seen him since you dated?"

"I would have told you that. This is the first time I've even talked to him since then. I just let it hang. I came home and fell in love with you."

"What did you talk about?"

"I don't know. Just like hi," I kind of sang 'hi,' and, "what's up. I said, 'I got married.' He didn't post anything, then later that day another post or something. I would have never known, but I've been on Facebook with this crazy thing," I pointed to my where my gall bladder used to be. "Then he just started talking, telling me congratulations, and what am I up to, who did I marry, what do you do. Then it went to a private message and he just laid it out. He needed closure, couldn't stop thinking about me. I'm just false advertising, he doesn't know. Left him on a high note. Now you…you're living the real deal. You know I thought of you the whole time I was with him. I just couldn't stop thinking about you. And he was so nice. But he was never going to get anywhere. But he did me a favor, he reminded me I shouldn't give up on the whole male population, you know? You owe that guy."

He stared at me again. What was with all this staring? "Okay," he said, "new topic."

I was laughing. Who knew why. "I love God," I sighed.

"Oookay."

"I do. Ben is so great." I told him about the f-word, how I cleaned it up just for Ben.

We talked about my cats and I laughed. I told him how Cottonball always sleeps on his pillow, and I'm sorry I let it happen and I wouldn't again. Then I asked once more about the meeting.

"We signed a deal." He told me about it. It was so fabulous. Now I was starring.

"I'm sorry I didn't discuss it with you. But I just wanted to get home. My lawyers are looking through everything." Him.

"You're too good for me," I blurted. "I was trying to hurt you. I should have never told you you got on that plane to abandon me or whatever I said. It was so horrible to say that to you. I'm so heartless. I don't deserve you."

He was holding my head and shoulder and I was sobbing in his arms. I heard him speak to the nurse. He was concerned I'd been given too much pain medicine. She said something about adjusting the dose.

I was home convalescing a couple of days later. Edward and I were slumped on the couch, Jasper and Alice were on the loveseat. Alice had made pizza, and the left-overs sat on the coffee table. We had just watched the movie, Blue Valentine about the disintegration of a marriage.

"Oh my gosh we can't get married," Alice said to Jasper.

"Dude, that hairline," Jasper said to Edward laughing. "Oh crap if that's my future…."

"So depressing," I said, sated on the pizza. I was giddy over being able to eat again.

We talked about the great acting, but the story was so life-like and so real.

"Most of the time you just get the beginning, and they get married and live happily ever after. You don't watch how it plays out. Why did we watch that?" Alice groaned.

We talked a while about our parents' marriages. It just got more depressing. Edward held up Carlisle and Esme. We started to feel a ray of hope. Then he announced how we each had to determine to beat the odds.

Alice said, "What do Carlisle and Esme do that makes their marriage different than the couple in the movie?"

Edward sucked a big breath. "They respect each other. They're friends. They allow each other to be different, but they're supportive. They empower each other. They aren't an obstacle to one another's happiness, they foster each other's happiness. I think she can trust him to put her first, and she does the same thing back. I don't know. Bella, what do you see?"

"Um…it's kind of like they're still dating. They haven't lost that attraction thing. She like…delights in him. And he just kind of seems like it's his greatest privilege to be with her."

We talked about how Ryan Goslings character had no ambition. How the wife in the movie always had ambition, and he didn't grow with her. As the discussion picked up, I grew more and more quiet.

"Yeah, the seeds were always there," Alice said. "At the beginning when he goes to dinner at her parent's house, he says he hasn't finished high school. He's working as a mover. He doesn't seem to have any plans, and as the movie progresses, you find out he doesn't care to move on up."

"But he loved her, and he loved her little girl and made her his own. That's outstanding!" I blurt. "Does he have to keep doing great things? Isn't commitment great?" I pick up the remote and wave it in Edward's face. He takes it from me and holds it.

"He is committed, but he's also addicted," Alice says. "Then showing up at her work and having a fit. She was gagging when he touched her. Can you imagine what that would feel like? I mean, he disgusted her in the end. That's just…."

"They sure didn't start out that way," Jasper.

"I know!" Alice said. "Then it ends with someone wanting to puke! Why did we watch that?"

I gulped a little. I looked at Edward and smiled weakly. He stared at me as if thinking, "Oh no, here we go."

After Alice and Jasper leave and we're getting ready for bed, our discussion about the movie starts up again. Well, I start it again. "So…which one am I, the woman or Ryan Gosling's character?"

Edward is changing his pillowcase. He does that every night now. "Why do you think you're either one?" He gets into the bed. He's in his boxers, and his chest and arms are the most beautiful things.

"Did you relate to them?"

"I hope not. Get in here." He pulls back my covers. We haven't had sex in a week, but we've been creative as heck. I reach for him.

"I could be the guy," I say.

"I knew you were thinking that. I just knew it."

"Yeah, and you're her."

He held me, thoughtful. "Yeah, I guess. If I had to pick one. I'm her at the beginning before she knows who she is. And you saved me." In the beginning of the movie, Ryan's character saved the woman. By the end, she couldn't save him.

"Edward…."

"Yes, Bella?"

"I don't ever want to hold us back."

"Me neither."

"What's your vision for us…for this marriage we've created?"

"First of all, we are the marriage. Second of all, I don't want to have it all figured out. It's already surprising me."

"In a good way?"

"A very good way. I love my life with you. But I want to keep growing as a person. I had gotten in a rut a few years back. I don't ever want to get there again. You challenge me. I may not always like it…but I love it." He kissed the top of my head.

"That makes no sense."

"Yeah. Well…I love our life. You can infuriate me…something you've insisted I admit, so I do, but it's good. It's the kick in the butt I need…so far."

"Am I holding you back?"

"Ahhh…no. You have given me a steadiness I formerly lacked. You are invaluable to me. So…precious, yeah. I'm not warm and fuzzy by nature, but I'm a lover around you. You bring it out, and I don't know how, you just do. You're infuriating in that you sell yourself short and I don't know how to protect you from yourself because it just seems ridiculous. I love the whole package. I love you. Everything else is on the table to be negotiated."

"What do I need to change?"

"If you change nothing from this day on…I'll spend the rest of my life intrigued and fascinated."

"No way. You know you have to grow. You think I don't know I have to?"

"You're kind of a baby when you fight, but I'll even take that. It's a package."

"Watch yourself."

"I know. I can't win these things unless I let you win. So…you win." He pulled me into his arms so I laid half on top of him. He kissed me long and sweet, and then it moved into phase two, and I attacked him. I loved stroking him, and the way his heart hammered and his breathing grew louder as he turned into my embrace.