Chapter 35

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Snape and Hermione sat at opposite ends of the sofa in awkward silence, each contemplating the implications of their latest discovery. Somehow, Hermione had activated an ancient chastity spell during the early stages of her capture, though she had no recollection of the event; a spell which required the invocation of a name — and not just any name, but that of the man whom the caster's heart has chosen, irrevocably.

Severus had only been half-serious when he'd asked Hermione whether Ronald Weasley could have been the one she'd thought of during her crisis — he knew this was a desperate attempt at finding a way out of this mess. But now, as the full impact of the possibility sunk in, he wondered how she could possibly have invoked his own name. This was no ordinary magic; for her to summon it at all, her intentions would have needed to be so pure, so true, that there could be no room to doubt whether she'd meant it. What on Earth would have driven her to think of him like that? What could he possibly have done to encourage such feelings? Didn't she realize that he'd gotten her into that mess; that he had been responsible for the nightmare her life was about to become?

She must have done... After all, this was Hermione Granger — she hadn't been hailed as the Brightest Witch of Her Generation for nothing... Severus couldn't believe that her able mind would have twisted the details so outrageously that she would have somehow envisioned him as a kind of romantic hero worthy of the deepest devotion, no matter how complicated the circumstances. After all: hardly a full day before that incident, he'd still been her maligned Potions master; twenty years her senior, no less; and a suspected Death Eater, to boot... She, meanwhile, had been scarcely more than a child, thrown into a world of darkness before she was ready, cut off from her friends and left with no choice but to trust in the only man in a position to offer her what little help was available to her... Surely these weren't the makings of a love match?

He wasn't so blind as to be unaware of his own feelings for the girl, although he wouldn't go so far as to say he'd fallen in love with her... he'd become obsessed with her, no doubt. But this was nothing new for a man like him. It had happened before, when a wildly intelligent, pretty Griffindor girl had shown him the time of day and recognized him as a fellow human being; there was no reason why it shouldn't happen again, especially under such dire, rapidly-escalating circumstances. To lose such a girl all over again as a result of his own carelessness had been the catalyst of yet another dangerous personal mission to redress his mistakes, and during all that time he had come to think of the girl in rather possessive terms. He knew this was wrong— that he ought to have turned her over to those truly responsible for her welfare the moment he found her— but he had always been a selfish man in some respects, this one especially. He could not— would not— give her up just yet; not when there was still a way to set things right. Otherwise he would never be at peace.

Besides: this was neither here nor there. His own feelings were immaterial, since she couldn't possibly have known how he had started to feel about her at the time, and certainly couldn't have anticipated how he would feel about her after. No— she would had to have fallen for him all on her own, without any reasonable sign of encouragement from him. The idea was preposterous. The schoolgirl crush he'd witnessed in her memory stream could hardly have been powerful enough to activate the emotional levels required by the chastity spell, and it was patently absurd to think that what had subsequently happened between them (in such a small amount of time!) had impacted her so profoundly. It couldn't have been enough. And yet, hadn't it been enough for him?

Though the thought made him slightly queasy to consider, he was becoming more and more convinced that she had to have been thinking of Ronald Weasley when the spell was cast. Because if she wasn't, he was in big trouble.

Meanwhile, Hermione's thoughts were wandering down a similar path as her professor's. Am I really in love with Ron? ...She didn't feel in love with him, exactly, though she had been considering a potential romantic future with him for a longer time than she'd ever admit to. Had she been jealous of Lavender? Absolutely. The duration of that relationship had been one of the most difficult times in her life, and her elation when it had ended had felt spectacular. But was it the same as being in love? She couldn't say for sure; she had no legitimate experience with which to compare it. Part of her wanted to think it was possible, but another, less familiar, less reliable part of her quietly insisted that she was missing the mark.

Then there was another possibility— one which she was resolutely trying not to even consider, though it persistently invaded her wayward cogitations: what if I'm in love with Professor Snape? Oh, but this was a wild, dangerous notion. No way, she'd insist, he may be interesting, granted, but he's far too old, far too cruel, far too... him... to ever dream of loving! She wondered if she was going barmy by even pausing to consider it. Of course, it hadn't been her, necessarily, who had activated the chastity spell in the first place; who knows what was going through that Hermione's head at the time... Maybe, just maybe, she had been so far gone with desperation that she had fancied herself in love with him at the time... but then, would the spell really have recognized him as her one true love if she hadn't really meant it?

She wished she knew precisely what had happened between them before she'd been taken by her captors. The summary he'd provided before had been terse and to the point, but hardly hinted at any kind of underlying, emotional nuances... Could she have fallen in love with him, then? What would it have taken to make her feel that way about him? Could it have really happened so easily; so quickly? Of course, she had harbored that little crush on him beforehand, especially after she'd found out that he was a member of the Order, and had started considering him in a different light... She supposed that might have been the impetus: that— under just the right conditions, and given just the right provocation— her crush might have developed quickly into something much more pervasive... but it still didn't seem that plausible.

She supposed there was only one way to find out... The book had said something about a 'consummation' that would only work when the 'beloved' was reunited with the caster... But before she even considered how to go about 'consummating' anything, she needed more information. She wasn't going to jump into anything without ample justification, especially if there was a good chance it would all be for naught. The humiliation would be unbearable — she'd never be able to take another potions class for as long as she lived.

Unable to suppress another blush, Hermione asked, "Can I see that book again, sir?"

Severus' shoulders jumped slightly when she addressed him after the lengthy silence, but he was quick to recover, feigning nonchalance as he handed over the heavy tome. He tried not to appear too nervous as he wondered what conclusions she was working out, surreptitiously glancing at her as she leaned over the text.

"What do you suppose is meant when it says, 'once he is recognized as her heart's keeper'?" she asked, "How would he be recognized — by her, or by the spell itself?"

Severus considered the question for a moment before replying, "By both, I imagine."

Hermione furrowed her brows before arguing, "You don't think it would work if she didn't fully recognize him, herself? Even if he's the one?"

As he considered her point, Severus paled as he recalled his foiled attempt to penetrate Nina at the grotto. His... accident had been unprecedented. At the time, he'd shrugged it off (as much as such a thing can be 'shrugged off') as the result of overstimulation brought on by too much alcohol and pent-up sexual tension. Later, when he'd been given cause to reflect on the mysterious atmosphere preceding the mishap, he'd considered the possibility that Nina herself had been influencing his reactions through some kind of unrealized, Veela-like power. He now knew that what he had felt had actually been an aspect of the chastity spell at work, only he wasn't completely certain what it meant. Most likely, the the protective aspect of the spell had been activated, interrupting further sexual activity since Nina did not recognize Severus as her 'beloved,' but rather had thought of him simply as someone she wanted to fuck. If this were true, then it opened two possibilities: either Severus was Hermione's 'beloved,' but Nina— as a fractured personality— wasn't able to properly identify him as such, or Severus was not, and the spell had rejected him entirely as the wrong person. If the former were true, then there was a chance the spell would be undone if he were to engage in intercourse with Hermione. If the latter were true, then it was likely that Mr Weasley's assistance would be required to break the spell. Either way, he was quite fucked.

"Sir?" Hermione prompted, when he still hadn't answered her question. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Miss— Hermione," he corrected (deciding it was useless to keep up the formalities under such circumstances), "...there's something else you should know."

Hermione looked to him in confusion, wondering why he suddenly felt the need to use her given name again.

Swallowing uneasily, Severus stiffened as he prepared to disclose his dirty secret. He knew she might despise him for it, but he didn't see any way around it. If he continued to keep this from her, there was little chance of making any progress.

"You've asked me before what Nina is like when I'm alone with her... and... I haven't been completely honest with you. Though my primary concern was your own peace of mind, I did have my own reasons for wanting to keep quiet on this matter. Doubtless, we'll both be very uncomfortable with what I'm about to tell you, but at this point it seems worse not to say anything about it at all..."

Hermione blinked at him as he seemed to struggle forming his next words, determinedly avoiding eye contact. Despite the heat, she felt an acute chill pass through her as her stomach twisted in anticipation.

"Nina and I... we have been... intimate," he said with great difficulty, his mouth haltingly testing out the word before forming it audibly, "though, for my part, these relations have been mostly accidental... I have attempted to keep an appropriate distance, but she has been uncommonly... persistent. I can't say that I've been wholly blameless, but I have exerted great effort at maintaining self-control, and would not have crossed any boundaries had I not been deviously manipulated into doing so. I've resisted her charms with as much restraint as any warm-blooded man is capable of, and perhaps in less... compromised circumstances, I might have been able to do more..."

Sighing for a moment as he ran a hand through his hair, Severus slumped forward, leaning against his knees and hanging his head as he continued, much quieter, "Truthfully, I've been nearly at my wit's end since before I even arrived at this place. I was practically a mad man when I found you, lacking sleep and proper meals and any of the regularity I had relied on for so long. I can't function properly without routine. ...I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, Hermione... I'm only trying to tell you that I'm not the same man now as you once knew. More has happened than you're aware of; more than I'm free to discuss with you. You have every right to be disappointed in me. I'm sorry," he nearly whispered, "...for everything."

Hermione glanced sideways at the dark man beside her, trying to sort through her own emotions. Shock and self-righteous anger came first, but the latter was difficult to maintain in the face of such obvious remorse. Part of her wanted to feel sorry for him, but this compulsion was in conflict with the part that wanted to scream 'I knew it!' and rain down upon him with objections. She knew it was Nina she was really upset with, but since she wasn't able to confront her, he was the next best thing for her to release her indignation. How could she yell at him, though, when he looked so miserable already? She definitely wanted to know what he meant when he said he'd been 'intimate' with Nina, but she felt strangely uncomfortable asking, not only because the subject matter was quite scandalous, but also because she had the odd, misplaced sense that she was intruding on private business.

Fidgeting nervously as she cleared her throat, Hermione quietly murmured, suppressing her frustration as much as she could, "Perhaps you should tell me how far you and Nina have gone... so that I'll know whether it has any bearing on the spell."

He knew she'd want to know about that, but it still didn't make it any easier to be confronted with the question. With his hair still shadowing his face, he rasped, "Nearly all the way. It was interrupted. Probably by the spell."

Breathing in sharply through her nose at this revelation, Hermione attempted to reign in her reaction before questioning stiffly, "Probably? Is there considerable room for doubt?"

"I'm almost certain the spell caused the interruption," Severus muttered shamefully.

"I see," Hermione replied. She was quiet for a time before continuing, "And was there only the one occasion? Or did you try again?"

"I never 'tried' anything," Severus muttered defensively, biting back any further retort.

"Well, whoever started it... was it just the once?" She pressed.

Severus was quiet for a long beat before answering, almost inaudibly, "No."

Huffing indignantly as she tried to maintain her composure, Hermione asked, "Only twice, then?" She was marginally relieved to see him nod in confirmation. "And was it the same the second time?"

She watched Severus pick at the seam of his trousers before answering lowly, "I never got that far... though I now believe that it would have been the same."

"How come?"

"...Because I felt a similar kind of feeling in the air; I assume it was the spell's magic at work."

Considering this for a moment, Hermione then asked, "What stopped you then, if not the spell?"

Severus really didn't want to answer that question. Groaning slightly as he rubbed at his forehead, he took a deep breath before stiltedly replying, "That was when I discovered that you were still a virgin. Please don't ask me to be more specific; suffice it to say that I found out. I performed a diagnostic charm to confirm it. That was the end of that."

They both lapsed into another lengthy silence as Hermione considered this new information. Though she was definitely nursing some badly hurt feelings, she wasn't angry enough to lash out over it. She mostly felt confused, as usual. All this time her Potions professor had been fooling around with her behind her back. It was a very disconcerting notion. Did this mean he thought about her in that way? Or did he only see Nina like that? They were the same person, after all — at least in the most fundamental aspect... How could he think that way about one, but not the other? Was that even possible? Or had it all been in response to some seductive talent of Nina's that Hermione herself simply didn't possess? ...Could she elicit such a response from him if she tried? ...did she even want to?

And then there were the magical implications: what did this mean in terms of the chastity spell? Did the interruption prove that he wasn't 'the one,' or was it just because Nina wasn't able to recognize him as such? At least now she was somewhat closer to understanding the options, though it did still leave a pretty large gap for misinterpretation.

Hermione's silence was almost more unnerving than her questioning, and Severus was fidgeting even more noticeably now. Momentarily distracted from her thoughts, Hermione watched with furrowed brows as he proceeded to pick apart the tattered edge of the sofa cushion at the space between his legs, twining the fibers around his forefinger and tearing them out like blades of grass. He had really begun to make a mess of it before she spoke up.

"Are you going to pull out the stuffing next, or are you ready to have a conversation with me?"

Suppressing his irritation at her tone of address, Severus sat back uncomfortably and pulled his hands into his lap, rubbing his thumb against a callus. When he didn't seem inclined to say anything, Hermione decided to initiate.

"Are you attracted to me?"

Severus' eyes widened, holding his breath at the unexpected query. Though Hermione had meant for her question to sound ambivalent, she hadn't quite managed it. She bit the inside of her lip, stiffening in anticipation of his reply. At length, he answered.

"What is the purpose of asking me this."

"Please don't answer my question with another," she huffed; "just do me the courtesy of giving a straightforward reply, if such a thing is even possible with you. Surely this isn't too much to ask, all things considered."

Severus scowled at her forwardness, but silently admitted that it was probably deserved. With a shallow sigh, he formulated a response.

"I would not have been taken in by Nina's charms if there had not been an existing attraction."

Hermione narrowed her eyes at his roundabout reply, but decided it was acceptable enough.

"So this 'existing attraction' is not limited to just Nina, then?" She asked quietly.

Working his jaw anxiously, Severus forced out an answer: "It wouldn't be, obviously."

Though a little impatient with his condescension, Hermione could not ignore the little flutter of excitement at this confession. Professor Snape just admitted he was attracted to her!

"How long have you felt this way?" She nearly whispered.

"I'm not going to answer that." He replied flatly. She was really pushing her luck.

'Hmm,' she thought, '...that must mean it's more than just a recent thing...'

After falling into another heavy silence, Severus finally spoke up.

"Perhaps you wouldn't mind answering one of my questions, now..."

Hermione looked up at him, waiting for him to continue. Clearing his throat, he murmured, "Are you in love with Mr Weasley?"

Biting her lip as she frowned, Hermione looked away and tried not to blush. "How did you even know about him," she mumbled.

Severus tried not to sound smug as he replied, "There is little that your professors don't see, and, much to my dismay, gossip about endlessly. I've overheard many a conversation pertaining to the sordid love lives of the three of you, and recall an inordinate amount of speculation revolving around an unrequited romance between you and the youngest Weasley boy. Your own Head of House seemed particularly convinced that it was only a matter of time before we'd be dragging the two of you out of the rose bushes."

Mortified at the image, Hermione groaned as she buried her hot face in her hands. Severus was unsure how to interpret her reaction.

"Should I take this to mean that your secret has been found out?" He asked lowly.

"Oh, God," Hermione mumbled into her palms, "No... I mean, maybe... sort of... this really is quite embarrassing."

Though he felt that her present embarrassment couldn't hold a candle to what he'd been forced to admit earlier, Severus decided not to say anything about it. He merely snorted softly, earning him a surreptitious glare.

"I'm sure you don't want to hear me outline all of my complicated feelings for Ron, sir," Hermione retorted. "I do... like him, and have for awhile. I'm not sure I'd call it love, though. Let's please just leave it at that."

"With pleasure," Severus replied dryly. He hadn't asked for more than a simple 'yes' or 'no,' in the first place.

"I hate to say it," Severus said with a heavy sigh as he crossed his arms, "but we've hardly cleared anything up regarding the damned spell, despite all the titillating discourse."

Unconsciously mirroring him by crossing her own arms, Hermione sat back dejectedly. "No we haven't, not really."

They lapsed into another silence as they both considered possible solutions, neither daring to voice them aloud. Eventually, Hermione opted to change the subject.

"In the interest of full disclosure... as long as we're getting everything out in the open... is there anything else you think I should know about?"

Severus swallowed, knowing there was still quite a lot she didn't know about, but unsure whether any of it was germane to the current situation. There were some things she would find out eventually, but not before the appropriate time. He wondered whether one particular revelation would be appropriate to mention now, uncertain whether she could handle it yet. He'd been thinking about it a lot lately, ever since finding out that she was still a virgin after all.

"Do you have any specific questions?" he ventured, deciding to play it safe.

Thinking for a moment, Hermione replied cautiously, "Well... you still haven't told me who's looking for you... I do feel like I've been left in the dark about what's been going on in the outside world, about the war effort and everything."

Sighing heavily, Severus decided now was probably a good a time as any to tell her at least this much, since she'd brought it up. He'd still have to be careful not to say too much.

"Nobody's looking for me, as such," he started carefully, hunching over again to lean on his elbows.

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked in confusion, "Why would you be hiding if no one was looking for you?"

"Because," Severus answered in a low voice, sounding quite solemn, "...they're all looking for you."

...

A/N: this one was all talk and internal monologue, but it was crucial in order to move things along (I hope you were paying attention!); I assure you, there is much more action on the way (;