Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my college debt and my newfound three months of freedom from anything graduate school related! Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

**Thank you ReLeeS for your wonderful beta skills, and thank you C for helping me to write this chapter and for just being all around awesome.

**Also, if you're a masochist like I seem to be, you should look up the song for this chapter and listen to it. I feel like it should be Jacob/Bella's theme song, it's such a tearjerker. Not even gonna lie, I cry like a baby every time I hear it.


"He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading subtly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are."

--Near to You by A Fine Frenzy


Chapter 38: A Different Kind of Forever

I numbly opened the front door, my body somehow pulling me along on its own accord, my legs feeling like rubber, my hands sweaty, and my heart already aching. The house was empty as I stepped inside. I took in my surroundings and was instantly hit with the familiar scent that once made me feel like this was my home, as though this was where I belonged. I swallowed thickly, forcing the ever-expanding lump in my throat down even further. I knew Edward was here; knew that I was not alone. But, somehow, standing in the middle of the beautiful foyer, the welcoming steps luring me to make my ascension toward the room I knew I'd find him, I had never felt more deserted. What a ridiculous feeling. I was the one that was going to be doing the deserting. I tried to suppress my inner thoughts, unwilling to allow them to torture me further.

I took a deep breath and began my climb of the steps, the sound of my footsteps echoing off the hollow walls, my heart beating forcefully inside my chest. The hallway seemed to go on for miles as I made my way closer to the door that led to Edward's room, my mind still unable to wrap itself around the absurdity of what I was about to do. Saying goodbye to the one person my body physically couldn't live without.

Foolish.

Impossible.

Necessary.

The last adjective rang over and over again through my mind as I approached the doorway, gradually making my way inside. Edward was standing with his back to me, facing the window, his arms dangling lifelessly at his sides. I knew he heard my approach, but he didn't move, didn't even acknowledge my presence. I stopped for a moment, frozen in time as I stared across the blank walls and felt the room spin ever-so slightly around me.

Before I knew what was happening, I was advancing forward, my eyes focusing on the dark royal blue hue of his t-shirt, my mind trying to suppress the horrifying thoughts that were reminding me that this moment would be the last time I'd ever see the beauty of this man before me.

I stood at his side a moment later, staring out at the wooded forest next to him, feeling the familiar electrifying pull of his body, luring me in. Edward still didn't move, didn't even take a single breath as we both stood side by side, neither of us speaking a word. I briefly wondered what he was thinking about. Did he know of my intentions? Could he sense that things between us haven't been the same since he came back, too?

My hand closed the small gap between us and latched onto his, entwining our fingers. Two hands, one heartbeat. The moment our skin connected I felt the jolt of it flood through my system as it alerted every single one of my nerve endings of our proximity.

I wasn't sure how much time passed with neither of us speaking, Edward barely moving, but eventually his melodic voice shattered our forlorn silence.

"I can't…" he started to say but his voice uncharacteristically cracked and he stopped, cleared his throat and breathed out a tattered sigh before he tried again. "I can't get the image of you out of my head…you're face when he…and the way you breathed…the way you spoke..."

I visibly flinched and allowed myself to look over at his face for the first time since I entered his room. It was distorted in a grimace, his perfection corrupted in his sadness and I couldn't help but feel the need to reach out and smooth away the wrinkles that were now tainting his forehead.

"Edward I…" I started to speak, but was interrupted by his sudden movement, his body rotating to finally face me, his hands grabbing me and gently turning me until I was facing him. Eyes locking, fingers trembling, silent words spoken.

Then, his hands were on my face, my eyes filling with tears under the weight of his touch. "It doesn't matter," he said intensely. "What you did with…him..." he shuddered and stopped to take another deep breath before continuing. "Bella, I don't care, okay? I still love you. I still want you."

Tears stained my cheeks as I cast my gaze to the ground, my throat clenching around my voice, disabling me from speaking.

I felt the chill of his lips connect with my forehead, his arms pulling me closer, drawing me closer and closer against him. His chest was all I saw, stone and icy, and there was blue everywhere…royal blue and I was cold in his embrace, shaking, my heart trying to tell me that this wasn't where I belonged while my body begged me to get even closer.

Eventually I mustered up enough control and placed my palms between us against his chest, gently pushing myself out of his embrace. Our eyes locked again, his filled with realization and confusion.

"I can't do this anymore," I whispered, my words practically echoing in the silence that followed them.

He swallowed hard and shifted his eyes from mine, looking at something insignificant in a far off corner. "You're choosing him."

I nodded my head and grabbed onto his hand again, bringing it up to my mouth and kissing it, breathing in his skin. "It's the only way I know how," I said against the back of his hand, finally letting it out of my grasp, watching it fall back to his side. "I love you…"

Edward looked at me again and if vampires could cry, I knew there'd be tears.

"I love you so much," I continued. "But I…you...your life isn't what I want anymore. I don't want to die, Edward, I want to live."

"You could stay human," he said suddenly, frantically. "You wouldn't have to give that up for me."

"No," I said, shaking my head back and forth. "You know that's not true. We both know that's not true. It's only a matter of time before something else would happen...and then Charlie and Renee…Jacob…I can't…leave them. I can't leave him."

"But, you could leave me?" he asked quietly, his jaw slightly clenching.

"I've lived without you before," I replied, realizing how intense the truth was behind my words.

He was silent for a long time and I tried to think of something else to say but kept coming up short. I wanted so many conflicting things in that moment. I wanted to run from him and hide, hide from the hurt and pain that was played out on his face. I wanted to reach out to him, touch him, kiss him, and be with him. I wanted to find some way for us to be together without anyone else getting hurt, including myself. But, most importantly, I wanted this to be over. I wanted it to be behind me so I could finally begin my life, my life as a human, a normal life with Jacob.

"You're right," he eventually said bringing me out of my thoughts, his voice just above a whisper. "You'll be better off without me."

"Better off? No…not better off," I disagreed. "I'll never be better off without you. But, it just makes more sense for me to be with Jacob, it always did. I just didn't want to see it before, didn't want to believe it.

"Don't you see that what we had was all encompassing? Our relationship was taking over everything in my life, my breathing and my beating heart relying on your every move. It wasn't healthy—it's still not healthy, because even now…this very moment, my hands are begging me to touch you, my arms pleading with me to hold you. Physiologically, my body craves everything about you, the want and the need clouds everything else, blocks all my other emotions and blinds me from the realities that I should be seeing, but I'm not.

"I've learned a lot while you were away," I continued, stopping to take a deep breath and reflecting upon the recognition that I was currently experiencing. "I've grown up a little without even realizing it, and now I learned that it's not just about what I want anymore. It's about my family, it's about Jacob, and it's about the fact that my being with you continuously puts your family in danger. We can't do it anymore, Edward. My selfishness is ugly, and I think it's time I let it go."

As I spoke the words, I noticed that I have felt that way for a very long along. I've always known what my decision would be; it was present inside of me before my brain could even process it. My heart was trying to tell me that I no longer fit inside Edward's world, but my body refused to acknowledge it. The entire time, my hurting Jacob, all of it was only my way of trying to find the answer that I already knew.

Jacob was the right choice, the easy choice, the best choice. Edward was the desired choice, the desperate choice, the choice I refused to let go of out of fear of what that would mean for me.

"If you're…" Edward eventually tried to say; once he let my words sink in. "If you're sure that's what you want, if he's the one you truly love, you know I'll let you go. I won't stop you."

"I'm sure," I nearly whispered, my eyes examining his reaction carefully. He always managed to hold himself together, just when I thought he'd completely fall apart, he always collected himself, his strong façade masking the true nature of his emotions. "He's the one that I want."

His eyes were more guarded as he nodded slowly, his hand already reaching out and brushing against my wet cheek. I turned my face in toward his hand, kissed his palm, tried to memorize the feeling of his touch so that I'd never forget the ecstasy of what it brought me.

"Oh, Bella," he sighed, taking a step closer to me, pulling me in to his chest, wrapping his arms around me while I simultaneously wrapped mine around him. He was clinging to me now, his nose buried in my hair, and I was clinging to him, suddenly not wanting to let him go. "Bella my love, my only love, I'm going to miss you so much. I've just gotten used to having you around again."

"I know," I managed to say, though it was muffled against the fabric of his shirt. "I'm sorry, Edward. God, I'm so sorry."

I pulled back slightly and our eyes met again, our souls connecting. His hands swept over my face, wiping away my tears, his touch automatically making me rethink my decision. It was amazing how absolutely sure of something I could be one minute, and then have it changed entirely the next. How could I ever live without this—without him?

Something changed in Edward's eyes, both of his hands suddenly grasping my face gently inside of them, holding my gaze with his. "Hey, it's okay," he said, his voice filled with reassurance. "You're doing what's right for you. You're doing the very thing that I've tried to do for you all along, I just wasn't strong enough.

"You're so much stronger, so much better than me," he continued, pausing after that sentence with a small smile. I half-laughed, half-sobbed in response as fresh tears streamed down my cheeks, his hands continuously brushing them away.

"I hope you know that because of you, I've learned so many things about myself," he said. "Because of you, I no longer consider myself a monster, and you convinced me that maybe…just maybe, there's a place for me in the afterlife, that maybe I do have a soul after all."

I couldn't hold back the loud sob that escaped me then as the magnitude of his words came crashing down on me. He pulled me against him once more, his fingers gently running through my tangled hair, trying to soothe me in this time of sorrow.

"Shhh, don't cry my love," he spoke. "You know I can't bear it. There are many things I can handle, but your sadness isn't one of them."

"Promise me that you'll be okay," I demanded against his chest, my hands making their way onto his stomach, memorizing the feel of him.

"I've lived one-hundred plus years without you in my life," he said sadly, and though we both knew what he was about to say wasn't true, it had to be enough. "I think I'll be okay for one-hundred more."

I sighed against him, and then reluctantly pulled away, this time out of his arms completely. We both paused again, another silence extending between us, a silence filled with so much mutual recognition that while what we shared was definitely phenomenal and larger than life itself, it just wasn't the same anymore. I knew that he could feel it; I could see it in his eyes that he understood that our relationship had been coming to an end long before it had ever begun again.

Edward made the first move, slowly walking over to his couch, sitting down, patting the cushion next to him. I wasted no time crossing the distance and joining him. I turned so that I sat facing in his direction, reaching out and taking both of his hands in mine, rubbing them gently.

He looked down at our hands and semi-smiled as we sat in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts, neither of us ready to completely say goodbye just yet. I found myself reflecting upon everything we experienced together. I was thinking about my very first meaningful kiss, the kind that absolutely takes your breath away while simultaneously causing you to forget your name. That kiss had been with Edward and it had been one of the most incredible moments of my life. Next, my mind was picturing us in the meadow, the sun shining on his beautiful, sparkling skin. I had never been more terrified in my entire life, not in fear of him and what he was, rather terrified that he was going to disappear and slip out of my grip--that one day I would wake up from the never-ending daydream that I had seemed to be living in.

I shed some more tears as I recollected the first day I met his family and then later, watching them play baseball in the midst of the thunderstorm. There were so many things that Edward and his family had opened up my eyes to, revealing a completely different world that I never knew existed--a world with vampires and werewolves.

Vampires and Werewolves.

It was now second nature to me, something that was just part of my everyday routine. But, in that moment I was trying to remember a time when I knew of no such things, when I thought of them to only exist in the movies. I used to be very practical, but Edward and this life had taught me that anything is possible. I felt my lips pull up in another smile because I knew that even though it wasn't always the easiest world to exist in; I wouldn't have it any other way. I knew that Edward had made me the person that I was today, the very person that Jacob was in love with. I would never forget him, but more importantly, I would never regret the beauty of what we shared regardless of how much pain it had caused me. Without pain, one would not understand compassion nor appreciation for the things they so easily take for granted.

That's when I thought about Jacob again, instantly wondering what he was doing, if he was alright. I couldn't believe that just a short time ago, I was in his bed, wrapped up in his arms, giving away every last part of myself to him. I knew that I had hurt him deeper than he ever deserved and that I'd be dedicating the rest of our lives making it up to him, proving to him that I could be worthy of the love that he had for me.

"You know," Edward's soft voice broke me out of my reflections, as I glanced over to find that he was studying me. "I used to think that you were so beautiful all of the time, but when you think about him, you really glow. Being in love suits you, Bella.

"Even though it hurts, even though it's almost too much for me to bear, I want you to know that I'm so glad that you found someone who makes you happy, someone that enables you to live a long life like I had always wanted.

"Of course, it'd be foolish if I didn't confess that I wanted that life to be with me, but I know how impossible that is, and I know that you're choosing the simplest forms of living…sleeping, breathing, eating…and I couldn't be more happy about that."

Just when I thought I had no more tears left to shed, my eyes swelled with moisture again. In that moment, I was overcome with a new sense of a love for him, a different kind entirely, a love of appreciation, acceptance, and friendship. Edward was the most amazing person I have ever known, and I knew that if I could somehow manage to become half the person he was, I'd be leaping a hurdle.

"I love you," I confessed to him for the second time that evening, my arms flinging around his neck and pulling him to me. We embraced for what seemed like hours, our bodies connected and our breathing synchronized. Eventually, I managed to pull myself together, kissing his cheek before pulling away. It was time to say goodbye, and we both knew it.

"Please, feel free to check in whenever you want, bring Alice along too, if it wouldn't bother you too much," I told him as my fingers traced over the curves of his face.

"Thank you," he said quietly, his eyes unable to hide the sadness he was feeling. "Maybe I will…eventually…when I…when I think I can handle seeing you happy with someone else."

I nodded and leaned in closer to him, bringing my lips to his, kissing him for the very last time. It must have taken him by surprise because he slightly gasped at our contact, his hands immediately locking behind my head and pulling me closer, but it wasn't close enough. With Edward, it was never close enough.

When our lips parted, I was breathless and satisfied, ready to put this all behind me. I squeezed his hand one last time before standing up and saying goodbye.

"Goodbye, my Bella. You're the only one that I will ever love, the one person to which my heart belongs."

That was Edward's last words to me, words that I will never forget for as long as I live.

By the time I hit my bed, my tears were practically drowning every part of me. An initially angry Charlie was now full of concern and crawling to my side, asking me if I was alright. When I first walked through the front door, he was about to yell at me for not leaving a note again, but he evidently saw the red rims around my eyes, the puffiness underneath them, because he paused for a moment before asking me what had happened. That's when I lost it again and ran upstairs with him following directly at my heels.

"Bells?" I heard him say, his hand awkwardly patting me on the back as I lay with my face buried inside of my pillow. I wanted the pillow to swallow me whole; I never wanted to come back down to earth again.

"Please…dad…" I managed to say between sobs. "I just need to be alone right now."

"Well uh…okay," he said, and I could almost hear the relief in his voice because neither of us were any good at the affection thing. "I'll just be downstairs if you need me for anything."

I heard his footsteps as he left my room, heard the door latch closed, heard the silence the moment I was alone in my misery.

Edward was gone. Forever. I'd never see him again.

My chest heaved beneath me as I rolled over onto my back and brought my hands to my face.

Oh God, what have I done?

My choice had seemed so clear, so concise just minutes ago. But now. Now I couldn't breathe again, my chest was constricting in on my heart, hollowness was beginning to expand through every last part of my body.

I almost got up, almost convinced myself to run down to the phone and call Edward…beg him to come back, tell him I had made a mistake. Amazingly enough, I managed to stay attached to my bed, latching onto my pillow, pulling it out from underneath my head and clenching it between my hands. I was in so much pain. My head was throbbing, my throat burning, and my tears stinging. I never thought it would end, never thought I'd find my way out of this hole of agony and find my way back to happiness.

Sometime over the course of the evening, as the sun set and my room began to fill with darkness, my tears stopped, my breathing returning back to a normal pace. Only then, after I properly grieved of Edward's departure and got the closure that I hadn't even realized I needed all along, did I finally allow myself to think of Jacob.

I thought of his smile, of his touch, and the way his face would light up the moment I entered the room. I thought of his garage, of his bedroom, and the way that he always seemed to know exactly what to say to make me laugh. I thought of his eyes, his hair, and the way that his body gleamed after spending an hour in the rain. I thought of him and I, together, bodies tangled inside of his sheets, and the way his forehead wrinkled and collected sweat as my body made him feel things that no other had ever done.

Or ever will.

Because, though that night I thought of many things inside the walls of my bedroom, there was only one thing that I knew I would never forget. That night, after losing something that I thought I couldn't live without, I realized that I had gained so much more. I gained my life back--a life with Jacob. I gained the knowledge that I never wanted to go another day without him by my side. Because, although that night I lost my forever, I knew that I gained my "until death do us part."

A/N: Good news, I lied about this being the last chapter.

As usual, I was wordier than I intended.

I'm going to admit that I was far too mentally exhausted to continue on, so me and the cyber wifey decided that ending with 40 chapters(one of them being the epilogue) was way better than 39.

The bad news, now you have to wait another week or two to find out how it'll end, though I think at this point you have a good idea. :-)

Please read and review my newest fic Corner Coffee Shop if you haven't yet done so.

Finally, because I feel the need to support my fellow Jacob/Bella writers, I spent the better part of my day yesterday reading this AWESOME Jacob/Bella fan fic that in my opinion is like 8,000x better than FFY. So, you should head over and read it right now!

It's called "If You Twist and Turn Away" by blueandblack, it's in Jacob's POV and it's excellent--actually that's an understatement. http://www[dot)fanfiction[dot]net/s/4481237/1/