Needless to say neither of us could really focus on our work for the rest of the day. Not only could I feel Erik's eyes on me the whole time but some of the other guys in the theater were looking as well which I knew was really driving Erik crazy. I just hoped that it wouldn't make him to angry and that he would be able to control himself.
I know that I was playing with fire and tempting fate but I couldn't help it. Erik and I had been dancing around this subject for so long and the truth is that I don't really want to wait anymore and clearly neither does Erik.
When I let everyone go for the end of the day I realized that Erik was nowhere to be seen. He had disappeared. I walked around asking everyone if they had seen him. Apparently my sisters had noticed the little game that Erik and I were playing. They gave me knowing smiles as I came towards them asking about Erik. "Are you kidding, with the way your dressed? He probably went to one of the bathrooms to…ummm relieve himself." I couldn't believe that she had that. I chastised her but I knew that it didn't really hold any wait when I was blushing.
I started to head towards my office planning to open the mirror and head down to Erik's house but considering my sisters words I stop in my tracks. This wasn't really something I wanted to be thinking about but what if she was right, that really wasn't something that I wanted to walk in on and I was sure Erik wouldn't appreciate that either.
So I went ahead into my room but did not head down to Erik's. Instead I pulled out all of the Christmas presents that I had bought to start wrapping them.
An hour and a half later I felt the rush of air as the mirror slide aside and Erik stepped through the threshold into my room.
Luckily, I had already wrapped all of his presents and was working on my brothers. He sat down on my bed watching me silently for a few minutes before getting up and coming up behind me to rub my sore shoulders softly.
"I was expecting you to come down and see me, what happened?" This immediately brought forth mental pictures that I certainly couldn't mention but my blush gave me away.
"What, what is it? Why are you blushing?"
I tried to shake my head and say it was nothing but Erik wouldn't let up he kept asking me until finally he turned my chair around to face him as he sat back down on my bed.
I knew that he wouldn't give up now. I took a deep breath before speaking,
"I was going to come down to look for you until… until the girls said something that made me reconsider it. They said that seeing me dressed the way I was probably made you want to go find someplace to be alone...so that you could… umm relieve yourself."
I was blushing so much I could literally feel my face head up. I couldn't believe I had just said that, couldn't believe that I had just told Erik that the girls and I had talked about that, that the though of him doing that had even entered my mind,
To my surprise Erik started cracking up. He was literally having to hold his stomach because he was laughing so hard.
I sat there shocked watching him; I had never seen Erik laugh so hard. Finally, after a couple of minutes he stopped.
"That's... that's why you didn't come down. Even if you had come down and I had been doing something like that you wouldn't have seen anything. I was expecting you to come down remember. I would have gone into a locked bathroom or bedroom."
This shocked me even more then Erik's reaction.
"You mean…you... do, do that…while thinking of me?"
Erik laughed softly grabbing my chair and pulling me towards him so that I was essentially sitting between his legs. "Darling, do you have any idea what you do to me? Just looking at you turns me on but seeing you dressed the way you were and touching you makes me feel like I'm about to burst. I have to release all of that pent up energy someway. Does that bother you?"
I look down at my feet, unsure of what to say. Erik sat patiently waiting for me to collect my thoughts. Finally after a few seconds I spoke. "It's not that it necessarily bothers me it's just that it's not something I've ever really talked about, it's kind of a taboo subject. It's not really normal to talk about something like that. It's more of a private thing."
Erik smiled. "Well, our relationship has never been normal, has it? But don't worry love... We won't talk about it again."
With that Erik stood and leaned down towards me so that his mouth was near my ear "But now you must know how badly I want you and I don't know how much longer I can wait." And with that Erik kissed me. This wasn't a tender kiss it was the type of deep sensual kiss that takes a while to recover from.
But I even knew what was happening Erik had pulled away and was walking back through the mirror.
I sat there for a while recovering and all I could think was that with the thoughts I had been having lately I was surely going to hell.
11/23 11pm
I can't believe that I have been sleeping for the past twelve hours. So much has happened since my last entry.
After Erik left that night I couldn't focus enough to finish wrapping presents I need to relieve some steam some other way. I was trying to think of what I could do to take my mind off of Erik when my eyes landed on my keyboard, its case sticking out from underneath my bed.
I smiled, playing and writing a new song was the perfect way for me to focus on something else. I hadn't told Erik that I wrote songs or that I could sing or play any instruments. That was sort of his thing and not only that but I never told anyone about my music. Everything in my life was about my family I had never had anything that was only mine. Except for my music it was the one thing in my life that no one could change or take away from me. I knew that everyone else had gone home so this was perfect time for me to work on the assignment that my music teacher had assigned us for over the holiday. I refused to play in front of the class so my teacher allowed me to record and video tape myself playing my songs so that he could grade them. He would assign us a subject and we would have to write a song about it. It could be anything something as generic as write me a love song or write a country song or it could be more specific like write the song you would write if someone you loved died. This assignment was one of the more specific ones. We had to write a song about being in love with someone who you knew loved you back and who you knew wanted to be with you but every time they came close to admitting always backed out at the last second.
I pulled my keyboard out along with my guitar and got my journal where I kept all of my songs.
I sat for a long time gathering my thoughts thinking about what it would be like to love someone who was too afraid to admit that they loved you back. I wrote down any phrases or words that came to mind. Slowly after a while I pulled my keyboard to me and began to play the melody in my head.
It never even crossed my mind that maybe Erik hadn't gone back home.
Finally, after two hours my song was done. It was eight o clocks at night and I hadn't eaten dinner yet, I hadn't even moved off my bed in the past two hours. My hands hurt and my neck felt cramped. But I had written a song that I could really identify with. It was one of the best songs I had written in a while.
Here are the lyrics:
Dark cloud movin in
Just one fall of rain
Would wash away
Wash away, the pain
Just one ray of sun
To warm my skin
And rid me of the cold you're drowning in
Chorus:
I could say that I don't care
But the truth is I'd follow you anywhere
I've been waiting such a long long time
Don't you dare
Change…your mind
It seems so close to me
But still beyond my reach
Calling me and playing hide and seek
Look behind that door
I'm the one you've been searching for
And I'm not a little girl…anymore
Chorus:
I could say that I don't care
But the truth is I'd follow you anywhere
I've been waiting such a long long time
Don't you dare
Change your mind
Don't wander around looking for someone to replace me
Don't wander around wastin the rest of your life
Don't wander around waiting for someone else to save you
And do you make the same mistake…twice
Chorus:
I could say that I don't care
But the truth is I'd follow you anywhere
I've been waiting such a long long time
Don't you dare
Change your mind
I could say that I don't care
But the truth is I'd follow you
I've been waiting such a long long time
Don't you dare
Change…your mind
Don't change your mind
I played the song one last time to myself making sure that it sounded perfect. Just as I finished I heard the sound of the mirror sliding open and in stepped Erik with a look of shock on his face. He had been watching… and listening the whole time.