Oh my feaking god I had the worst freaking luck with this chapter! First the original copy got lost in the hard drive crash, then the new one I was working on perished when the memory stick it was stored on broke. I just cannot catch a freaking break!
Let's hope this one is even a 32,768th as funny as the others were.
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"And that's why you shouldn't wear sweaters while bowling," Matsumoto said resolutely, waging a stern finger at Rukia, who was currently seated across from the voluptuous policewoman.
"That's great and all Rangiku," she said, "but what does that have to do with what I originally asked you?"
"…You asked me a question?"
"Yeah, about whether I should ask Ichigo to officially be my boyfriend or not."
"…Seriously?"
"…"
"…"
"…Matsumoto, are you drunk?" Rukia asked.
"Yes," Matsumoto replied, taking a swig from a saké bottle that seemed to magically appear out of nowhere, "why do you ask?"
Well, ask a stupid question…, Rukia thought sardonically.
"Hey guys!" Tatsuki called from the armory, "Do any of you know how to get bratwurst out of a shotgun barrel?"
Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.
"Is that a trick question?" Matsumoto wondered.
"I think a better question is do we even want to know why you need to know that," Renji said, resting his feet on his desk. He was also trying to balance a pencil on his nose, (for whatever that's worth).
"No," she said simply, "you don't."
And with that the matter was dropped.
Yep, just another normal day for the Karakura Police Department.
KA-BOOM!
Hang on a second…nope, still normal.
"What the [censor]!" everyone shouted.
A moment later Tatsuki ran out of the armory.
"What the hell just happened?" Then she noticed that everyone was staring in the same direction and followed their gaze. "Did the micro-climate just explode?" she asked, pointing at said micro-climate.
"I think the micro-climate just exploded," Kiyone explained, still visibly shaken.
"Yeah," Ichigo agreed, "now it looks like it's some kind of portal."
Then Rukia fainted.
This seems to be happening a lot lately, doesn't it?"
"Rukia?" cried Ichigo, horrified at the prospect that he might have accidentally killed his (possibly?) girlfriend. "Rukia, are you OK? Rukia!"
"Check her pulse, Ichi!" Kiyone suggested.
"Oh well," Yumichika sighed, "at least she'll leave a beautiful corpse." Then he added as an afterthought, "Though not quite as beautiful as me…"
"Isane!" Ichigo barked at the KPD's timid (and germophobic, let's not forget) physician, "Get over here!"
"Hai," the police doctor said as she rushed to the side of the now comatose Rukia, grabbing her medical satchel on the way.
"Man!" Kiyone moaned, "No one ever listens to me…"
"There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with her," Isane stated as she checked Rukia's pulse. (Oh the irony!)
"Then unfaint her already!" Ichigo practically snarled.
He really wasn't taking this whole "he might have accidentally killed his (possibly?) girlfriend" thing well.
"I could do mouth-to-mouth!" Matsumoto suggested eagerly.
Renji seemed to like this option a lot.
"Matsumoto," Isane sweatdropped, "I don't think that's really the right cure for this."
"Aw!" she whined, "I never get to use my- Oof!"
Now I suppose you're all wondering why Matsumoto went "Oof!" just now, right? Well, a lot of things contributed to it, and those events can all be summed up as thus; since everyone's attention was focused on the comatose Rukia, no one noticed a figure fly out of the portal and slam smack dab into Matsumoto. This caused them to fall into Isane, which in turn made all three of them fall directly on top of Rukia.
This also had the unexpected (and frankly, rather bizarre) effect if reviving her.
"Gomen nasai!" the figure hastily apologized as she extracted herself from Matsumoto's back and dashed out the front door.
"…the heck was she?" Renji wondered a long moment of awkward silence.
"Hey Rukia," Tatsuki asked as she peeled the other two policewomen off the diminutive cop, "you OK?"
"*gasp*!" Rukia inhaled sharply.
"So I'll take that as a yes then?"
"I'm not really sure;" she said once her body took in the necessary amount of oxygen, "the last thing I remember was micro-climate exploding, and then…" A thought suddenly occurred to her, "Did I get horrendously drunk and have a threesome with Matsumoto and Isane?"
However, before the question could be answered (and possibly for the better), the portal began to flare up again. This time six shadowy figures stepped through. (OK, maybe "shadowy" isn't the best adjective to describe them, since their attire was mostly pure white save for the shadows the hoods they wore cast.)
Then one of them stepped forward (possibly the leader) and said "You all know what to do…" in a flat, emotionless voice and snapped his arm out. (Like Matsumoto does, only without the unfortunate victim on the other end.) Then the rest of the group sprung into action, leaping about the room for a minute or so before finding a window or something to jump out of. After they were all gone, the remaining figure (Remember? The possible leader?) walked to the front door and gently closed it behind him.
Keep in mind that throughout this whole episode, the KPD were just standing there, staring like slack jawed idiots.
"…the [censor] was that about?" Tatsuki said, the first one to regain their senses.
However, her question would forever remain unanswered, as the portal flared up yet again, and a lone figure stepped out.
And by "stepped", we mean "fell on his ass".
"GOD [censor]ING DAMMIT!" he shouted. "Every fricken' time! They 'accidentally' forget to wake me up in time, then they leave a tripwire in front of the portal so they can have a damn good laugh when I make an ass of myself tripping over it. BASTARDS!" It was then that he noticed he had an audience. "Hey, have you guys seen a bunch of backstabbing traitors come by here recently? Because when I find them I'm going to take their smug superiority and shove it right up…their…." His eyes suddenly fell on Rukia and he began grinning insanely.
"Hey Ichigo?" Rukia whispered.
"Yeah?" Ichigo replied.
"That guy's staring at me."
"I noticed."
"And he's smiling."
"It appears so."
"It's really creepy…."
"Hey, why are we whispering?"
"I don't really know…"
While the two lovebirds were whispering to each other, the mysterious figure touched a hidden button on the half mask he wore. (As in, it looked like he had the left half of someone's jaw on his face.) A small antenna popped up and static could be heard as a connection was made.
"What do you want, Grimmjow?" the monotone voice from earlier said on the end.
"Oh, nothing. I just wanted to let you know that I found Rukia and that I'll be the one taking her back to Hueco Mundo by myself! So when all you stupid, self-righteous pricks get back and find Rukia tied to the bed with me standing over her you can all just go right ahead and KISS MY ASS!"
"Grimmjow, if you do anything stupid, then I'll-" The rest of the threat was cut off as "Grimmjow" snapped the little antenna off and crushed it in his hand before facing the diminuitive policewoman again.
"I've finally found you Rukia!" he announced proudly.
"Um, do I…know you?" Rukia asked uncertainly.
The figure made an exaggerated gasp.
"'Do you know me?' Rukia, how could you say that? And after we've done together!"
"We…did stuff together?" Rukia wondered, know really knowing if she seriously wanted to know the answer.
"Sure, mostly-" [The following scene has been omitted due to it containing content involving leather moccasins, Firecracker Pocky, tuna salad, a water buffalo, a ball point hammer, mayonnaise, fly paper, muffins, and a vacuum hose that is much to graphic to be reprinted here. And that isn't even the bad stuff!] "-and you couldn't get the mayonnaise out of your hair for weeks!" When the figure finished his story the rest of the KPD were sprawled out on the floor, three in puddles of vomit and one with their spirit hovering over their body.
Matusmoto hiccupped.
"…What?" the figure asked as he stared at the traumatized cops.
"…What did you say your name was again?" Rukia asked, unable to really form any other coherent thoughts at the moment.
"My name!" The figure announced as the rest of the KPD slowly returned to consciousness, "Is Grimmjow Jeagerjaques; best fighter in the universe and the greatest lover you'll never have again!"
"'LOVER'!" everyone shouted in unison, now fully awake and unable to believe what they were hearing.
"Yeah that's right; me and the six others that came through earlier (no doubt) have all been sex partners with Rukia here at one time or another."
"NANI?" everyone shouted again.
Matsumoto hiccupped.
"You guys do that a lot, don't you?" (That was Grimmjow who said that by the way.)
"Only on Tuesdays," Tatsuki answered.
"…Whatever. So, which one of you pansies is going to fight me?"
At this point the sound of flushing water was heard and a moment later Ikkaku stepped out of the bathroom, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.
"Hey guys, what'd I miss?" he asked, yawning.
"Oh, not much," Kiyone explained, "just that Rukia's had a bunch of sex partners that we didn't know about before."
"N-NO I DIDN'T!" Rukia calmly corrected her towheaded cohort.
"You know, Rukia, the fact that you're denying everything like that isn't really helping your case any," Yumichika pointed out.
"Come to think of it, she has been disappearing suddenly at nights…" Matsumoto mused.
Mark this day in your calendars, folks; Matsumoto actually made an intelligent observation.
Unfortunately, it was about the wrong conclusion.
"That's because I go home every night, Rangiku!" Rukia skillfully countermanded.
"Actually…" Isane began hesitantly, "you never really talk about your home life at all."
"That's because I spend most of my waking hours here, and-"
"STOP [censor]ING IGNORING ME!" Grimmjow suddenly exploded. He slammed his fist onto the nearest desk, smashing it into a million pieces. "Now, will one of [censor]tards fight me before I-!"
"You broke my desk," Tatsuki growled.
"I guess I did," Grimmjow said as he surveyed his handiwork. (Get it? Hands! …Sorry 'bout that, read on.) "It looked like it was hand carved mahogany too."
"IT WAS A GIFT FROM MY DEAD GRANDFATHER!"
"...So then I take you're mad at me?"
"YOU BET YOUR DAMN ASS!"
"Alrighty then!" Grimmjow took a stance, "Things are finally going according to plan!"
"Don't be so sure," Tatsuki replied cockily, "Tatsuki 'The Fire Demon' Arisawa has never been defeated since she first started fighting!"
Why is Tatsuki talking about herself in the third person? Rukia wondered.
"Well prepare for that record to be broken! Because standing before you now is the end all, the be all, El Ultimo Pantera del Hueco Mundo, GRIMMJOW JEAGERJAQUES! Now prepare to face the wrath of my-!"
Suddenly Grimmjow's stomach made a gurgling noise.
"Right after I hit the can!"
…
Yumichika's cricket chirped.
"Hey!" Ikkaku yelled as Grimmjow headed right for the main floor restroom. "Stay the [censor] away from my bedroom!"
Much too otherwise occupied to bother to argue (or even wonder why that was his bedroom in the first place) he quickly searched for another place to, um…relieve himself. He eventually found his way to the station's alternate restroom.
He made the mistake of going in.
He rushed out almost as soon as he went in.
"OK, not a bathroom, very not a bathroom!"
"You know," Isane said hesitantly, "you could have the runs. You should probably have that checked."
"Or," Kiyone suggested, "you could just use one of the stalls at the construction site down the…huh? Where'd he go?"
"I think he left the moment heard 'construction site'," Ichigo explained.
"Well at least he listened to my suggestion!" Kiyone huffed.
Meanwhile, Grimmjow was tearing down the street as fast as he could to get to the port-a-potty to…drop payload. Fortunately one of the stalls was open and he wasted no time in making proper use of it.
Ten minutes later he was striding back into the KPD station with a smile on his face, adjusting his belt.
"Alright, I took care of business, now let's finish this!"
"Fine by me!" Tatsuki said, hopping up from her chair and taking a stance.
"Round one!" a voice said from out of nowhere. "Fight!"
"Where the hell is that coming from?" Renji wondered, looking around to find the source of the voice.
Tatsuki and Grimmjow charged towards each other, yelling battle cries. They blocked and parried many of each other's blows, neither really having an advantage over the other.
Three hours later they were both bent over panting.
"That…'Dragon Super Kick'…is really something…," Grimmjow said, wiping his brow.
"It's been…passed down…through the Arisawa line…for generations…," Tatsuki explained.
"Are you feeling as thirsty as I am?" the blue haired fighting sex maniac wondered.
"Fancy a drink before we continue this?" Tatsuki suggested.
"Don't mind if I do."
"Hang on, I made some Double Mocha Lattes earlier. Be right back…"
Throughout all this time the rest of the KPD had all found other things to do while Tatsuki and Grimmjow had their fight; Isane was reading one of her medical journals, Renji was trying to balance the pencil of his nose again, Kiyone was playing cribbage with Yumichika's cricket (the cricket was winning), Ichigo and Rukia were reading one of Renji's Jump magazines, Matsumoto was trying to find the meaning of life in a water bottle, Yumichika was filing his nails, and Ikkaku had fallen asleep, drooling slightly on his desk.
"Zzz-huh! Wuh?" Ikkaku said as he suddenly snapped awake, still hazy with sleep. "I heard the fighting stop; what's going on?"
"Ari-kun and Jawbone-kun are taking a coffee break," Matsumoto explained, still engrossed in her water bottle.
"I really don't know why they had to fight in here," Yumichika said, having filed his nails so much that he almost drew blood, "I mean there's plenty of room outside where they won't ruin the Feng Shui of the whole building!" The current state of the KPD building closely resembled that of a garage sale at a manure plant.
After a tornado.
"It's gonna take weeks to clean everything up!" Isane moaned as she surveyed the scene of destruction before her.
"I still can't believe I'm the cause of all this," Rukia bemused glumly, "and I didn't even do anything!"
"I'm sure it'll be OK," Ichigo said, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I've known Tatsuki since kindergarten, and she's the best hand-to-hand fighter I've ever seen in my life; if anyone can beat this whackjob, it's her."
"Thanks Ichigo, I needed to hear that."
"Man, that was a goo-ooo-oood latte!" Grimmjow announced as he and Tatsuki re-entered the room.
"I know, right? Those Keurrig machines can work wonders!"
They bonded over coffee? everyone wondered.
I wonder if I can lick my elbow? wondered Matsumoto, attempting to lick her elbow.
"You ready to finish this bitch up?" Grimmjow asked, smashing his mug against his forehead.
"Ladies first," replied Tatsuki, following suit. The both took their positions.
"Final round!" the voice from before said, "Are you ready? FIGHT!"
"Seriously, where the hell is that coming from?" Renji asked, now getting somewhat annoyed. "And whatever happened to 'Round 2'?"
The two combatants stood facing each other, and where about to attack again when-
*gurgle*
"[censor]dammit!" Grimmjow cursed, clutching his stomach in agony, "Not [censor]ing again!"
"Hah!" laughed Tatsuki, "It worked!"
"What did?" Rukia asked.
Hesitantly…
"I spiked the lattes with a crap ton of laxatives when I realized you had bladder control issues. After that it was just a matter of waiting until you got tired enough to want a drink." She beamed with pride.
"But wait," the bonehead suddenly interrupted, "if you spiked both lattes, then how come you aren't rushing towards the nearest restroom?"
"One;" Tatsuki held up a finger, "you've seen the bathrooms here. Two; you've seen the bathrooms here. And three; you try living with 23 brothers and sisters all vying for the only bathroom in the house at the same time and then talk to me about holding it!" She drew back her leg in preparation for the finishing blow, "Say hi to your mother in Hell for me!"
"But my mother was Catho-"
"Tatsuki Special; Dragon Kick!" He foot caught fire as she brought it towards his chin. When it made contact Grimmjow burst into a bunch of coins which dropped onto the floor in a pile.
"You win!" the voice said once more. "Well done!"
"OK, please tell me you guys hear that?" Now Renji was starting to get unnerved at the disembodied voice.
"You know," Ikkaku began, "if no one else wants that change…."
"Go ahead," Rukia said dismissively, "I'm still trying to come to grips with all of this. Besides, my brother sends me a cheque every month anyways, so I don't need the money."
"Score!" Ikkaku shouted as he immediately jumped at whatever coinage he could lay his eyes on.
"Your brother sends ou cheques on top of the pay you get from this?" Ichigo asked.
"Yes he does," Rukia answered, clearly not seeing anything odd about that statement. "Why?"
"No reason…"
"I just figured it out!" Matsumoto exclaimed suddenly, causing everyone to jump in their seats. (Or where they stood, depending.)
"Your water bottle finally give you the meaning of life?" guessed Kiyone.
"No, it's about the bonehead guy Tatsuki exploded."
"Then what did you figure out?"
"He was a bad guy, wasn't he?"
Everyone collectively toppled over. Matsumoto looked at all of them curiously.
"Was it something I said?"
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Phew! Man, this chapter gave me even more trouble than the HAL chapter, and that's saying something! I'm just glad I was actually able to finally finish it this time.
As usual, tell me what you want to see happen. (I already received an interesting one that involves Momo.) You already know who the other six villains will be for this arc, and I'm sure I've hinted at enough other Bleach characters to form up a sizable pool, plus all the ones I haven't mentioned or used, so go wild with the suggestions. (just keep it PG-13, 'K?) If anyone needs me, I'll be hard at work on an Omake for a writer friend of mine who goes by the name of Alex McMullen.