Chapter 37: In Too Far (Acceptance)

Things were just going downhill for me.

Everything was just not working out how I had planned when we were still in Lima.

This was reality and just like I told Rachel, I wouldn't give up.

Not just on her, but on me.

I was worth it.

Or at least I would be.

Santana's POV

It was the middle of the night and I couldn't really sleep. I was having doubts about what I was about to do and the repercussions it would cause.

I was starting to think that maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut. Of course I wasn't the only person that should have. The moment that I had stormed from the kitchen, Padrino spilled the beans to Mami.

It was poor judgment on his part.

Did he think she would just smile and nod?

Now I had Mami, who is a licensed attorney in New York, telling me that I'm going about this the wrong way. She told me that too many people knew now and so it wouldn't be able to be handled quietly.

She wanted me to just shut up and let her take care of it but I didn't want this to be like when I drove drunk into the Lima courthouse and I walked away felony free. Someone had died this time and I didn't want to go about living my life without some kind of atonement.

She slapped me and I deserved it. She was right, I was making myself into a martyr.

I wasn't sure if Sal and Pa were in the right. I had a lot on the line, my marriage, children and any future career. One wrong move would mean the difference between life in prison or happiness with my kids.

What's a girl to do?

After laying in bed and trying to fall back asleep, I finally just got up just before Daniela did and took her with me into my office so that we didn't wake up Britt.

I just needed to think and pray.

I held Daniela in my arms and looked down at her sweet face and thought about how hurt Mami must have been when I had struck her...twice. Papi would have killed me for touching her. I was beyond ashamed of myself.

What kind of monster had I become?

No matter how hard I tried to focus on a solution to all this nonsense, the more my mind zoomed around and tried to focus on other things, like what if the judge wanted to make an example out of me?

What if I got a life sentence?

What if my kids hated me?

I was becoming more discouraged the longer I sat there alone.

What was I thinking, trying to solve this on my own?

My imagination was on hyper speed and it seemed like no matter how much I tried to think optimistically, the constant questions were breaking down my resolve.

I didn't want to do this.

I didn't want to abandon my kids...they were my life.

My mind halted when the phone began buzzing. I placed Dani safely on my lap and picked up my phone.

Hey...we really need to talk!-Arita

Call me then, I'm awake.-Ana

My heart was racing as I picked Daniela back up and held her in the crook of my arm. I needed her right now because I felt a tremor start in my hand. I knew what would happen next and I was terrified to go through it again.

The baby finally woke up when she was near my boob so I got her all set up. I couldn't deny her anything right now and if she wanted to eat again, it was fine by me.

I had just gotten her situated when my phone started to vibrate again.

I quickly grabbed the phone and pressed it to my ear.

"Hey, Ari...how are you feeling?"

"Let's cut to the chase. I'm not calling about me. This is about you and what you are about to do. Tell me, are you really going to turn yourself in?" she said in a crackly voice.

"I...um...I think so. How did you know about that?"

It seemed like the whole world was communicating behind my back and I really didn't like it. Ari didn't need to be worrying about me while she was going through her first round of chemo but apparently it didn't matter.

"Quinn called me and asked me if I had talked to Marco. Carlos had just come from seeing him when she called. You can't do this, Ana." I could hear the strain in her voice, she was fighting tears.

"It's too late...too many people know." I said as I looked towards my baby girl and saw that she was staring at me kind of hard as if she was trying to communicate with me.

It was haunting how much she looked like Ian, even more so than Isaac. I knew that he would agree with Ari and right now I was agreeing with her too but it was too late.

"Think about your kids Anita, this is going to mark them for life. Marco wanted to pass along a message to you...he wants you to come see him before you do anything stupid. I think you should go."

"So he can convince me not to go?"

"Look, I'm totally understanding that Catholic guilt that you are carting around because I have that too, I get it but if you think that you have something to atone for, more than Marco, then you are insane. He doesn't want you to get pulled away from your kids. He doesn't want you to go down because of what he did."

"You sound like my mom."

"That's amazing. Your mom is by far one of the smartest people that I have ever met, Anita. Yes, she was absent and she was a bit neglectful but she is a damn good lawyer. Listen to her."

"Why are you doing this Arita? With everything that you are going through, why are you so concerned about me and my stupid mistakes?"

"Because ultimately, you would do it for me." she said with a quiver in her voice.

"Please don't cry." I whispered as my heart leapt.

"I feel really strongly about this. Only God is the true judge of you and I think that you should not go in there and confess to more than you actually did. You were an accessory...that's it. If Marco wants to take the fall...let him."

"I can't believe you are saying that."

"Well when you are close to death, some things just seem clearer. I believe the universe sets things straight, Marco needed to be right where he is now, that's why he's there. You woke up so that you could take care of those babies. Don't abandon them so easily."

"You think I want to?" I was beginning to tear up now.

"No...but you have a hero complex Anita...you save everyone but yourself. I can't let you go down like that. If you aren't going to fight for you, then I will."

I hung up with Ari and just sat there dumbstruck, thinking about what she had said and how much it connected with how I truly felt.

I needed my mom. I looked down at my little girl again and kissed her sleeping face. "I promise to always protect you even when you fight me on it. Te quiero, Princesa." I whispered as I rocked her and stood to my feet.

I tucked Daniela into her bassinet and then made a move to head back into the office when I heard her clear her throat. I panicked for a moment but then I turned and looked at my wife.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" she said with a yawn.

"I can't sleep. Come have coffee with me?" I said as I held a hand out to her. She nodded and slipped out of the bed, grabbing the two baby monitors as she stood.

Britt grabbed a hold of my hand and squeezed it gently. I pulled her into the office and then proceeded to start the coffee machine that sat on top of the mini fridge.

When I was finished she pulled me down against her and held my head against her chest. I could hear her heart racing and could feel how much she never wanted to let me go.

I slid my arms around her and then looked up into her wet and bloodshot eyes.

"I can't go down without a fight Britt."

"Does that mean you don't want to turn yourself in?"

"I want to make a deal...Before everything blew up between me and Mami, she said that she could probably barter a deal with the prosecutor. She said that what I was involved in was much bigger than just Marco and Mr. Evans and that it was probably still going on. Mami is an amazing attorney and I was stupid to not trust her instincts."

"Have you talked to her? Is she still going to help you after you hit her?"

Good question.

Then I thought about the look in her eyes when she finally left. She looked remorseful and not at all angry.

It's the look that I would give one of my kids if they rejected me.

I had to try.

The phone rang four times and then nothing happened. I called again, and again and then finally on the fourth attempt she answered.

"I'm not going to argue with you Santana." she said as soon as she answered.

"Lo siento, Mami! Ayudame, por favor." I pleaded with her.

"Ay, Santana, you know that I will still help you. You're my baby and I can't let you throw yourself to the wolves."

"Really?"

"If I represent you, if you really want me in your corner then you have to do everything I tell you down to the letter."

"Okay. I'll do whatever you say."

"You're sure? I'm serious, when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING." she stressed the last word and then the phone was silent. I looked over at Britt who was listening to the conversation with her head pressed against mine. She turned her face and then nodded at me with hopeful eyes.

"Yes, Mami. Please?"

"Okay, so here is what I want you to do..."

I never slept.

My phone call with my mother lasted through the rest of the night, two feedings and ended just as the sun was beginning to rise. I was in the shower soon after that and then I got dressed in my nicest but most modest pant suit and slapped on some heels.

In the time we talked, Mami had formulated a plan that she said would give me the best chance.

On the outside I looked calm and collected but inside, I was anxious. I knew how to project an image, Sue Sylvester had honed that part of me for years and so now I could turn it on and off at will.

So far it had been one of my most valuable assets aside from my amazing rack.

After getting dressed, I headed downstairs and sat in the guest room waiting patiently for Brittany. Mami had sent her on a mission and so now I was just supposed to be patient.

I was doing this for my kids.

For her.

That's what I had to keep remembering.

I pumped my boobs until I felt like they were going to fall off. I wouldn't have time today to take care of Daniela since I was about to run around with Mami all day long.

I wasn't sure if I would be coming back home but I wouldn't allow myself to think like that. I went about normally, I kissed my children, my wife.

I had breakfast while watching Elmo with Isaac and I fed Daniela one last time before leaving in the town-car that my mom had rented.

I was scared beyond belief when I kissed Britt on the doorstep. She held me tight around the waist and whispered softly against my neck.

"I'm so proud of you, my songbird. I love you so much! Come back to us, okay?" she was fighting tears as her voice wavered. I placed a soft hand on her cheek and looked into her eyes.

"I'm sorry that I am putting you through this, B. I love you. Just pray for me okay? Don't forget feed Dani every two hours, make sure that Rachel and Q don't kill each other and call Sandra and see how the arrangements are shaping up. Okay?"

She nodded and then kissed my lips once more as the horn sounded.

Here goes nothing.

Gladys' POV

It's a mother's instinct and responsibility to take care of her children, if she is blessed enough to have them. I had several miscarriages before and after I had my one child and the day that I held my miracle baby, I swore to her that I would always protect her.

For many years, while my husband was alive, I broke that promise.

When I could, I would throw myself in front of Aden's punches and kicks.

I was a failure though when it came to Santana. I allowed a lot to go on under my nose and still did even after Aden was gone. Something changed though, around the time I looked Brittany in the eyes after she nearly killed my daughter.

I saw what the cause of my lack of attention was. Here was this girl that loved my daughter endlessly, she had broken, her mother had failed her too.

That's when I decided that I would protect both of them with everything that I had.

Of course the problem with wanting to do that once your child becomes an adult is that they don't remember how to let their parents fight their battles for them.

My daughter has been fighting her own battles since the day Marco walked into her life. He had broken her spirit with finesse and I feel responsible for it.

I wasn't going to let her just walk into a police station and hand herself over to the NYPD. That was just shortsighted.

I had a plan and we would go right to the source of all this nonsense.

Santana's POV

Mami and I sat down at the cool metal table in the center of an interrogation room. She leaned in and then cupped her mouth with her hand.

"Remember that anything we say in here might be heard. So let me do the talking. Okay?" I felt a chill run through me and nodded my head.

I sat back and looked around the cold gray room and thought about this drab place being my new home. I was picturing my kids coming to see me here and it strengthened my resolve. I was not going to end up here if I could help it.

The door buzzed and in walked Marco with a guard.

He looked scruffy but still tried to walk with the haughty demeanor. Marco has one of the strongest senses of pride that I had ever come across so this behavior didn't surprise me. The guard went and sat in the far corner of the room after handcuffing Marco's hands to the table top.

I looked into my ex-husband's eyes and didn't find what I had expected. He looked differently at me now than he ever had. He had compassion on his face as he looked me over and then he looked at my mom, who always treated him with a cold indifference.

"What can I do for you ladies?" he said with no hint of malice.

"What's the status of your case?" Mami said bluntly.

"Ahh...I see...well, Gladys, I simply told them the truth, how I killed that girl and how I dumped her body. I led them to her and they found my DNA all over her. What was surprising was that they only found my DNA given how much that girl got around that night."

He was hinting at something. The cops knew nothing about me.

"Wait, are you sure?" I said in shock. Mami squeezed my leg under the table and shot me a warning glare before looking back towards Marco. He was smirking.

"See Ana, being controlled looks good on you." I swallowed the nausea in my mouth.

"Why did you turn yourself in?" Mami asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.

"Something broke in me...seeing your daughter in that hospital looking so sick...knowing that she died on the table two times, knowing that to this day she is probably still craving the blow. I fucked her up and I caused a lot of bad things to happen. I needed to atone for what I did. I killed that girl."

"Have you already been tried?"

"Yes. Quick and swift...I made a deal, ten years and I sang like a birdie."

"What about all the girls that worked for you?"

"Immunity. I may have been disbarred but I still know how to work the system."

"Look, I'm just concerned for my daughter, how this might effect her in her future career and as your ex-wife."

"It shouldn't effect her at all unless she wants it to. If I were her..." he looked me straight in my eyes with a pleading glance, "I would spend my energy taking care of her kids. Maybe even leave this rotten city. I just want Ana to keep her nose clean." he nodded at me and then looked at Gladys. "I'm really sorry for what I put your family through. My prima reminded me the other night of just how important family is. I had forgotten."

I sat in the car and just stared out of the window thinking about what Marco had said. Mami had stayed behind to talk to him a little more after I left, mainly things about what he needed in his commissary. She was doing what we Lopez's do best, she was paying him off.

Covering her bases.

The door to the car opened and my mother stepped inside with an air of confidence.

She looked over at me and I met her eyes.

"Put your seatbelt on."

"Not yet...I need to talk about this." I said as I placed a hand on the steering wheel.

"Right here?"

"Mami...do you think this is over? That we can just walk away so easily? I don't trust him."

"Yea...me either. I talked to him some more, asked him about the places you guys went that night, about cameras and people that you might come across. He says that the issue stayed between the two of you until you said something. I believed him. He told them that he had a friend help him dump the body...he said that he couldn't locate that person though. They know it was a woman and they are looking for her...for you. So you can either talk to the cops or go home. Either way I'm here to support you."

"What does he think that I should do?"

"He told you. He wants you to keep your nose clean. Stay out of it."

"And you?"

"I think that if you turn yourself in, you will get probation, maybe a few months. It would be months of heartache and turmoil. It's entirely up to you mija. Whatever you think will be able to absolve your conscience. Just know that if you want to go into politics...someone could dig this up."

I dropped my head and nodded in agreement.

She was right.

"Take me to the precinct."

"Your sure?"

"Yes." I said with finality.

"Call Brittany."

Even with Britt crying in my ear and my baby crying in the background, I still insisted on going to the precinct. I know that calling Britt was a last ditch effort to get me to not go to the station but I realized that I would rather deal with the consequences while my children are still babies rather than when they are older. I wanted to be able to put this behind us.

"So, I have bail money prepared and Sal is waiting to hear what the amount is so that he can post it. I support what you are doing mija, it's selfless. I'm proud of you for sticking to your beliefs."

"Thanks Mami."

"I don't want you to go in there and talk about the liquid bleach. Marco has already been charged for the killing. You are an accessory...try to stay that way. You helped him carry the body to the car and then you went with him while he dumped it. Did you ever assist in the actual disposal?"

I was nauseous as I listened to my mother talk so clinically about this.

"No...I helped him clean the place, carry her to the car and then I stayed in the car while he did whatever he did, then I took the car to get detailed the next day."

"Okay. Stick to that story Santana, don't let them bully you, understand? They are going to try and get things out of you that may have not happened. Marco already told us that they don't know much about you. Keep it that way."

"Okay."

"Alright, we're here. Leave your phone with me." I handed her my phone and then I reached around my neck and pulled out Ian's rosary.

"Here Mami, hold this for me...if I get stuck here...give it to Britt...okay?"

"Okay."

Mami and I walked into the precinct hand in hand and requested to see the captain. The officer looked at us suspiciously but after calling into the captain he led us down a narrow hallway and left us outside a door.

I looked at Mami and smiled.

"Thank you again for having my back. I'm sorry that I hit you." I said sincerely.

"It's what a mother does. You were under a lot of stress so I understand you lashing out but don't ever make the mistake again. Understand?"

She cocked her eyebrow and looked at me from the corner of her eye. I took a deep breath and nodded.

"Yes."

"Santana Lopez." I lifted my head and looked up at the woman who called my name.

I knew her face immediately.

And apparently she remembered mine.

"Captain Dominguez." I said quietly, "How are you?" Suddenly, I regretted allowing Mami to pick where we went.

"Come into my office." she said as she held the door open for us.

Mami shot me a look as we walked into the office. The door shut quietly behind us and then I followed Mami's lead and sat in a chair in front of the marble desk. Captain Dominguez leaned against the side of her desk but she didn't sit. She was staring me in the eyes and then she slowly looked towards my mother.

"Hello, I'm Captain Nina Dominguez, and you are?" she said holding out her hand.

Mami grabbed her hand and shook it firmly before responding.

"Gladys Lopez, Esquire, I'm Santana's mother."

Captain Dominguez looked back at me with a tight smile on her face. Her eyes kept looking me over and then every few seconds she would look over at Mami.

"Before you give me whatever spiel you two cooked up, I just want to say that I already know why you are here. I've seen the tapes. I recognized Santana immediately, I found out that she had just given birth and was fresh out of the hospital so I wanted to give her time before bringing her in."

"How do you know my daughter?"

Captain Dominguez looked over at me and my heart sank. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself and then looked at my mother with a remorseful face.

"I got picked up with the other...I was on the corner and I got picked up by a cop. I was high and a little drunk...Captain Dominguez let me sleep it off in the drunk tank instead of booking me. I promised her that it was a one time thing."

"So imagine my surprise when you showed up in a murder investigation."

"We would like to handle this quietly, if at all possible."

"So I'm right to assume that you are turning yourself in?" Captain Dominguez looked at me with both eyebrows raised.

"Yes...I helped him clean up and carry the girl to the car and then I took it to get detailed the next day."

"But you didn't kill her?"

"No." I was happy that I was able to say that with a straight face. I had been told so many times by the people around me that I didn't kill her that I was actually starting to believe it myself.

"So why not just turn yourself in with one of my officers...why come see me?"

"I didn't want them to bully my daughter into a false confession. I wanted her to give her statement to you."

"Understandable. Well, lets get that out of the way so that we can get you booked and fingerprinted."

I wrote only what Mami had told me to. I was honest in everything but my involvement in the supply of the drugs. I swallowed how I felt about that and tried to be as detailed as I could otherwise.

After I signed the paper I followed the captain out onto the floor and over to booking.

I was searched, I had my picture taken, I was fingerprinted and then I was taken down to the bottom level and held in a cell all by myself.

Mami's real work had begun, when she hugged me before they took me away, she whispered in my ear.

"Don't get too comfortable...I'm going to get you a bail hearing before the day is over."

"Tell Britt that I love her."

"That won't be necessary but if I can't get your a hearing I will tell her."

"Thank you...for everything."

So now I sat, on the cot and stared at the wall.

I thought about everything that I had been through that had led me here and found that I didn't regret this.

Not one bit!

I knew that my kids would be proud of me.

And that's all that mattered.

This was better than being dead or on a crack binge in some alley way.

This was better than the abuse or the lies.

I closed my eyes and began to drift off into a peaceful rest.

I was so tired.

"You know they say only the guilty sleep in jail." I heard a gruff voice say. I snapped awake and looked between the bars at one of the cops.

"Yea? Well I did turn myself in." I said as I brought my legs up in a cross legged position and leaned forward with my elbows on my knees.

"Your bail hearing is in five minutes. Ready?"

"Yes."

"I need you to put your hands through the slot so that I can cuff you, it's just procedure in these kind of cases."

I stood up and onto my stocking covered feet. They had considered my stilettos a weapon and took them from me.

"Can I get my shoes back by any chance?"

"Once I get you cuffed."

"Thanks." I said as I put my hands through the slot. He was very delicate with me and I really appreciated it. I knew that he was checking me out but I acted like I didn't notice.

"So you are Marco Vega's ex-wife?" Vernon asked as he helped me into my shoes.

"Yes...unfortunately." I said with a wince.

"He was here when they booked him for murder. Looks like he can be pretty vicious."

"You can't even imagine." I said quietly.

I felt a strange allegiance to Marco, he was sacrificing himself for me in many ways, he owed it to me...and so I couldn't berate him. He was an asshole but he was MY asshole.

I saw something in him earlier that morning that told me that I couldn't quite trust him but I could forgive him. He wouldn't go through all this to turn on me...he didn't want to be in prison but he sacrificed his freedom anyway.

Even with his harsh demeanor...he was doing this out of the love that I knew he had for me somewhere beneath all the darkness in his soul. He always said that I reminded him of his mother.

Ari says the same thing.

Maybe it's true, maybe not.

What I do know though, is that everyone deserves forgiveness.

Quinn's always saying how a person shouldn't expect forgiveness if they aren't willing to forgive others.

She had a point.

A point that I had never understood more than in that moment.

Gladys' POV

I got an opportunity to talk to the prosecutor and even put in a call to Marco's lawyer.

They really didn't want to go to trial.

Marco had done such a great job convincing them of his crimes and then turned in some pretty big people, she said that they weren't really concerned with my daughter but because she came forward they were going to have to follow through with the charges.

I was going to do everything that I could to make sure that she was back home with my grandchildren before the day was through but it seemed that the judge didn't quite agree.

"I have it on good authority that she may be a flight risk." I was in the judges quarters and felt a rage going through my veins.

"Your honor, her getting on a plane right now is a guarantee. Her sister and two nephews just died yesterday in Los Angeles. She's going to want to pay her final respects."

"How am I sure that she will return?"

"I will make sure of it."

"One week, I will grant her a one week stay on the case but after that she must report back and get fitted with an ankle monitor. I want her on house arrest until we iron out this case."

"Thank you, your honor."

Santana's POV

I sat in the courtroom listening to my case essentially be tossed aside for a later date. I was confused and shocked. This was a pretty big deal to me, a pretty big stressor in my life.

"I don't get it Mami." I whispered as the judge shuffled through her papers.

"She's pushing it off so that you can go to LA...don't argue. Unless you would rather not pay your last respect to your sister and the boys."

I sat there dumbstruck.

I forgot.

Tears rushed to my eyes and my heart was thumping slowly in my throat. Of all places for this to finally hit me, why the courtroom. I zoned out the rest of the time. I kept thinking of little Brendan's sweet face and how his eyes would light up every time he saw me and Ethan, the oldest of all the cousins was so proud and strong.

I had lost a sister.

So even as I was uncuffed and allowed to leave with Mami, I still felt like I was trapped.

My thoughts had me locked in a vice.

I had one week to say goodbye and enjoy freedom before I was placed under house arrest.

Mami kept trying to tell me how amazing it was that I got house arrest, since all I really wanted to do was be with my kids and had I been in my right mind I would have agreed, but instead I cried.

I sobbed all the way back home.

Britt was waiting at the door for me when we got to the house, with a huge smile on her face.

She was like a beacon of light.

I went flying into her arms and openly wept on my front stoop not caring who saw.

Right now, every moment needed to revolve around my family.

I had come too close to losing them.

Life was too short to not learn from your mistakes.

A/N: Review...any errors are strictly mine and surely my new beta will come along and save me from a poorly written chapter ;)