Chapter 37: Can't...hold on… much…longer!
Dawn came, and the house at Number 4 Privet drive awoke. The kitchen was filled with the smell of cooking food as grunts of exertion came from the new workout room in the back. Vernon spotted for Dudley as the young boy lifted a barbell of significant size, then they switched places, Dudley spotting for Vernon who lifted a slightly smaller set of weights. Then the two stepped into the boxing ring and did a few rounds of practice fighting with pads on. Once they'd worked up quite a sweat, the father and son touched gloves and made their way to the showers.
Dudley's once lanky blonde hair was cut short, though he still used the shampoo that Dobby had purchased for him in Diagon Alley. Once he was clean, Dudley dried off and paused in front of the mirror to shave. Dobby had made several comments, starting a few months back, about how "master was looking a bit scruffy" and Dudley hated to disappoint the little house elf. He carefully lathered himself up and shaved off the few hairs on his chin and cheeks, before brushing his teeth and making his way downstairs.
The house, as always, was immaculate. Even Aunt Petunia (who was now on several medications to help with her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) had a hard time finding any fault with it, real or imagined. Dudley paused by an old family photo, looking at the people he and his parents had been just a few years ago. He, fat as a pig, his father the size of a small continent, and his mother looking like a strung out addict. That had been before Dobby had come, and the thought of the house elf had Dudley smile he put the picture back on the table, and hurried off to breakfast.
"Good morning Great Master sir!" Dobby called, putting a plate of scones, baked ham, and beans in front of Dudley. "Big day today, sir, Dobby is hoping Great Master is excited."
"Yeah," Dudley agreed, patting the house elf fondly on the head. "I'm glad we'll get to see Harry again."
"Oh, Harry?" Petunia said, looking up with a slightly dazed expression from her scones and eggs. "He's very odd, you know."
"Harry Potter is a very great wizard," Dobby sniffed. "All great wizards are being odd, mistress."
"Oh, yes," Aunt Petunia said, frowning slightly. "You know, I never did like magic, you know and-"
Before her rant could continue, Dobby popped away, then popped back, pouring a small tumbler of gin and expertly mixing it with tonic, placing it on the table next to Petunia along with a small pill. "Drink up, Mistress. Dobby is not wanting you to be having another one of your panic attacks. Yous is knowing what Dr. Kopola is saying, yes?"
"Oh, yes, it's alright, no need to panic, life can be practically magical," Petunia recited. She took the drink and pill, gulping it down. After a moment, she smiled at Dobby. "Oh, thank you Dobby, I don't know what we'd do without you."
Dobby blushed and bowed, hopping away to get breakfast for Vernon, who came down the stairs looking a bit dazed. Uncle Vernon always looked a bit dazed, ever since Dobby had officially taken over his meals.
"What are we having today, Dobby?" Uncle Vernon asked, sitting down at the table and looking hopefully over at Dudley's generous portions.
"What was the scale saying today, sir?" Dobby asked, giving Vernon a pointed look.
"Er, 16 stone?" Vernon said, sounding a bit like a child trying to convince his mother to give him an extra biscuit. When Dobby frowned and tapped his foot on the floor, Vernon hastily added, "and 5 pounds."
Dobby sniffed and nodded, and then made up a significantly smaller plate for Vernon. Vernon looked disappointed, until Dobby patted him on the back and smiled. "Dobby is proud of Big Master, Big master has been making good progress with Great Master in boxing. Big Master can have what he wants at the party today. But must work twice as hard tomorrow!"
Vernon nodded eagerly and began to happily eat his breakfast.
Once everyone was done, Dobby collected everyone's plates, then began to bark orders phrased as polite requests that everyone get dressed for the wedding. Petunia fussed over Dudley's tuxedo, talking about how her little boy was "all grown up" as she tied his bowtie and patted his cravat.
"Great Master is looking very nice," Dobby said, quickly shining Dobby's already polished shoes one last time. "Now you really must be going, Dobby would hate to have Great Master be late for his first appearance in the wizarding world."
"My first appearance?" Dudley said, sounding confused.
Dobby nodded seriously. "Oh yes, Dobby is knowing that Great Master will wish to prove himself the most stylish and powerful of wizards, and Dobby knows all the witches will be fawning over Great Master."
"But I'm not a wizard?" Dudley asked, looking to Dobby for confirmation. "I don't have any magic?"
"Ah, but Great Master is having a house elf, and that is the best kind of magic of all."
Dudley couldn't really think of any way to argue with that, and shrugged and made his way to the car.
"You're sure the Bakery will be alright today?" Vernon asked as he opened the door to the car, looking to Dobby.
"Oh yes, Dobby will manage. Dobby will close up shop early and attend the wedding himself. Masters be sure to have a good time, and Dobby will be so proud."
"Bye, Dobby," Dudley said, waving as the car pulled away.
"You know, I wonder what the neighbors think of Dobby," Petunia said, in a the half dazed tone she normally used when she tried to think too hard.
"I'm not sure they even realize he's there," Dudley said quickly. "And if they do, I'm certain they think he's very normal. And at least he got rid of all those gnomes."
"Damn little bastards," Vernon growled. "Stealing fellows shotguns, ruining the shrubbery."
"Er, why don't we listen to the audio tap Dobby got for us from the library," Dudley said, taking out a cassette tape. "Doesn't that sound nice?"
"So long as it hasn't any gnomes," Vernon agreed.
"As long as it hasn't any magic," Petunia murmured.
Dudley glanced at the tap, then shrugged. Redwall was probably a perfectly normal place. If you were a talking rodent, anyway.
\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
"Molly, you're going to open your eyes in a moment. Before you do, I want you to repeat after me. This is not my day."
"This is not my day," Molly Weasley muttered, her eyes fluttering open.
"This is Penelope and Fleur's day."
"This is Penelope and Fleur's day," Molly said, sitting up and taking a cup of tea from her husband, who was sitting next to their bed. She didn't notice the bottle of calming draught he tucked away in a drawer.
"I will not be That Mother In Law," Arthur recited
"I will not be That Mother In Law," Molly said meekly, blushing and looking down. Her own mother in law had been a terror, at least until she'd died. Molly had never really forgiven herself for the resentment she held for Ginerva Anne Weasley, and had taken consolation that they'd named their daughter after her as a sort of post mortem peace offering.
"Something is going to go wrong, but that's alright, as the day will be lovely anyway."
"But-" Molly began, but at a stern look from her husband, she downed the rest of her tea and grudgingly said, "Something is going to go wrong, but that's fine and the day will be lovely anyway."
"And I'm going to have a good time," Arthur finished, standing and handing Molly a plate of toast.
"And I'm going to have a good time," Molly agreed, somewhat reluctantly. "But Arthur, what if-"
"We'll worry about that when it happens, dear," Arthur declared, kissing her on the cheek. "You've waited a long time to have a wedding to plan. Don't ruin it by worrying all day, alright?"
"Mmph," Molly said, chewing on the toast.
"That's the spirit! Now, I'll just head down to help Harry and Luna make breakfast and-"
"MMPH!" Molly said, violently shaking her head. She swallowed. "Arthur, I love you dearly, but I'm fairly certain you could burn a salad."
Arthur looked slightly wounded. "That was just because I wasn't certain how that mikey wave worked. I just know that I'd do just fine if I only tried again."
"How about you reduce my stress level just by sitting and having a bit of toast with me and let Harry and Luna handle it. Luna may be a bit absent minded, but if she had Harry riding herd on her she should manage."
Arthur reluctantly agreed, and the couple enjoyed a quiet moment while they ate, before Molly got dressed and they headed down. Before they left though, Molly leaned up against Arthur, holding on to him as if the floor had been taken out from under her. "One of my babies, Artie. One of my babies is all grown up, and getting married! Percy was just a tot the other day... And Charlie! God knows I wondered if that boy would ever figure out what a woman was if she hadn't scales and claws, but Fleur is such a dear even if…."
"Even if she's so alike you in almost every way that you two drive each other up the wall?" Arthur asked.
Molly glared at him for a moment, before sighing and nodding. "I guess that was the problem your mother and I had as well."
"Mum was always a bit much," Arthur agreed, kissing the top of his wife's head. "But then again, even she couldn't scare you down when you set your mind to something."
Molly blushed. "Do you ever regret…"
"I regret a lot of things, Mollywobbles. I regret the death of your brothers greatly. I regret my last words to my mother, even if she was being a bitch to you. I regret that I could never connect with my father after she was gone, and that he gave up and let himself die. I regret not taking that ride on the aero plane, even if it probably would have violated the statute. But I don't regret marrying you, or having a single one of our children, not even at the very inconvenient times we managed to do it. And I certainly don't regret not having a big fancy wedding, except that perhaps you would have liked to have one."
"You don't ever think that I sort of well, bullied you into things?" Molly asked, her voice trembling and her eyes filling with tears. "I did sort of push things."
Arthur started laughing. He laughed so hard that he had to sit down on the bed and gasp for breath. At first, Molly was annoyed, then she started laughing too, sitting down next to her husband and giggling uncontrollably.
"Molly dear, I had a crush on you from third year. I was infatuated with you by sixth year. When you finally decided you liked me as well, I was ecstatic, you know that. You do remember how you looked right? You had the biggest tits in our year and the one head and behind, and your hair," Arthur leaned close and smelled at Molly's hair, sighing happily. "Like fire and cinnamon. It wasn't like you dragged me up to the astronomy tower without me knowing what was happening. Or into the broom closet, or out to that little hollow by the lake or-"
"Oh stop it," Molly said, slapping at her husband. "You're insatiable."
"Tonight, my love," Arthur said, then made a purring noise back in his throat. "Maybe the wedding isn't my favorite, but wedding nights, well, those, on the other hand."
Molly giggled, kissing her husband, then she stood, straightening her robes. "Well, we'd best be getting on with it. Before the kids start to suspect something."
"Just make sure to be very loud when you go to wake the girls," Arthur said, opening the door. "Especially Bill. We want Nareh plenty of time to get out of his window before you barge in."
Molly let out a squawk of outrage, but had to stifle more laugher when her husband waggled his eyebrows at her.
"Well, I suppose it would be somewhat hypocritical of me to be offended our children didn't wait for their wedding vows either," Molly admitted as she made her way out of the door.
"I wouldn't worry about Harry though," Arthur said as he closed the door behind them. "I'm fairly certain Luna has worked out down to the hour when they're going to get to petting."
"I thought men were supposed to be protective of their children's virtue," Molly muttered as they climbed up the stairs to wake the children.
"Only the girls, love. But I'm fairly certain Ginny is capable of defending her own honor. Do you remember what you did to Mundungus when he tried to pinch your bum in fifth year? She's even better with that fascinating hex you used on him. You never did tell me how to do it, you know…"
Nareh did manage to make it out of the window in time, though Molly was slightly disappointed that it was painfully obvious that Percy had spent the night alone. Charlie, on the other hand, had never really learned how to hide things from his mother, and Molly had to resist plucking a few of Fleur's hairs off his his shoulder when he innocently informed her he would be down for breakfast in a moment.
"Percy never did have much of a tolerance for breaking the rules," Molly lamented as she banged on Ron's door. "Ronald, get up, it's time for breakfast! You too Hermione, you'd best hurry the line for the shower will be beastly."
There was dead silence from the other side of the door, and Molly used her wand to mimic footsteps going down the hall before putting her ear to the door.
"How did she know?" a very panicked Ron said as the sheets rustled.
"I was so careful!" an equally distraught Hermione hissed. "Not even Luna knew that I had left, and Ginny said she would cover for me!"
"A mother always knows," Molly hummed to herself. She would grant her children clemency on this day. But so help her, if Hermione did manage to get pregnant before her fifth year she would come down on those two like thunder from on high.
Ron and Hermione came down a bit later, looking very sheepish. Arthur looked up from his paper at Ron, frowning slightly.
Ron swallowed. "Um, you know, Hermione's very good at spells, and well, we did have that class and all and-"
"Just be smart, Ronald," his father said, looking back down to his paper. "I'm sure I don't have to tell Hermione that."
"No sir," Hermione said swiftly. "And we didn't, um, you know, it wasn't-"
"I don't need, nor want, details," Arthur said, licking his thumb turning the page on his paper. "Just be responsible about it."
Percy, for his part, was aghast. "But you two aren't even married yet!"
"Neither are you," Ron grumbled as he sat down at the table.
"No, and Penelope and I have waited a long time for tonight. It will be very special," Percy sniffed.
"Despite my best efforts," Penelope grumbled.
Fleur gave her a sympathetic look, and patted Charlies arm. "This one, I have properly trained already. He is practically french."
Poor, oblivious Charlie, looked up from his plate of food, confused. "What is everyone talking about anyway?"
"Nothing dear," Fleur assured him. "Your family is very libertine for english. I shall like it here."
This, if anything, only furthered Charlie's confusion. "We have to live at the Burrow? But I thought-"
"Don't hurt yourself," Bill told him. "You do the academic thinking. Leave the social niceties to your soon to be bride."
"I got better marks than all of you," Charlie grumbled. "Except maybe Percy. So I'm not thick."
"No one thinks you are thick, mon cherie, just wonderfully focused," Fleur told him.
"Wow, even I figured out what they were talking about," Harry said, sitting down and taking off his apron. "You really didn't realize girls were nice until Fleur came along, did you?"
"Norberta's a girl," Charlie grumbled. "She thinks I'm smart."
"She has good taste," Luna told him, sitting down next to Harry. "Just like Fleur does."
"You are all disgusting, and I hate all of you," Ginny grumbled, glaring around the table as she heaped more food onto her plate.
Nareh grinned at Ginny. "I hear Victor shall be attending the wedding, Ginevra. Perhaps you can commiserate with him."
"Piss off," Ginny grunted. "I'm not dating Victor. He lives in bloody romania. I want a boyfriend who'll actually be around."
"Ginerva!" Molly gasped. "Language!"
"I'll be a perfect lady when the guests get here, mum," Ginny promised around a mouthful of bacon. "But everyone here is family. It's too late to fool them."
"From what's been in the papers, I'm afraid it's too late for that all around," Arthur said, sipping his mug of tea.
"What trash are they printing about me now?" Hermione groaned.
"I don't want to ruin the day for anyway," Arthur told her. "Just relax and enjoy yourself. A wedding is supposed to be fun."
All eyes turned to Molly, who was very pointedly cutting up her sliced ham while blushing furiously. "Yes," she declared, taking a bite of ham. "Fun."
Soon, the breakfast dishes were cleared away and everyone piled outside to help with wedding preparations.
Luna and Harry caught each chicken, and gave them all appropriate outfits. The rooster got a very dashing tophat with a three piece suit, and Luna even found silver spurs to attach to him. While most animals would have been mortified, Wooster the Rooster strutted about the barnyard, his chest puffed out as he showed of to every member of the family just how dashing he looked. The hens in their frilly pink and yellow dresses hid in the bushes, which the chicks dashed about in their lederhosen, peeping excitedly and showing everyone their brewfest hats.
Next, Harry stunned each of the goats, which were then dressed up with sunglasses, black fedoras, and black jackets. Bessie The cow got milk maids hat, but she flatly refused to allow Luna to pierce her ears for earrings.
"Fine, I'll just use a sticking charm then," Luna informed the dairy cow. "Look, it won't even hurt, and they'll fall off in a few hours."
After some consideration, Bessie mooed loudly and kicked the earrings out of Luna's hands, then stomped on them.
"I don't think she likes them," Harry told her.
Luna sighed heavily. "Some people have no taste. Butterbeer cap earrings are a fit for any occasion. It will just have to be the hat and bow then."
Bessie was not enthused about the bow either, but this time Luna put her to sleep before tying it on, so the cow didn't' have much of a say in the matter.
The dragons, for their part, were very enthusiastic about the gaudy purple hats, pink and green feather boas and bright glass and plastic jewelry that Luna and Harry enlarged and put on each of them.
"My God you two, you've made them look like pimps," Penelope remarked as Luna put on an enormous pair of plastic orange sunglasses on Gaston. The dragon lifted his head, bobbing his head excitedly and causing the painted gold chains with dollar signs around his neck to bounce around.
"I think it fits his personality," Luna informed her.
"I think it's hilarious," Harry said happily.
"What will the guests think, I wonder," Penelope mused. Then she grinned. "Still, it will be hilarious to see Mrs. Wea- I mean, mum's face when she sees this."
"You think we have time to put on the tattoos?" Luna asked, lifted up a poster sized temporary tattoo that read "Ginger Lyfe" in neon pink letters.
"Bloody hell, I'll be a bridezilla if it means you have enough time to put one of those on," Penelope declared. "I'm with Harry. That's funny. I'll make sure we get a shot of it for the front page of the Quibbler too, though I won't have time to write the expose for a few weeks."
"That's alright, I'm saving this for our fall fashion edition," Luna told her. "We're going to be the leaders of the draconic fashion industry, and with the new family connections I think we'll make a breakthrough in the field."
"I'll get the wigs," Harry said, running off.
"Out of curiousity, how does this qualify as helping with the wedding?" Penny asked Luna.
Luna shrugged. "Mum just told Harry to keep me out of the way and away from my duct tape. Apparently, she was not thrilled with my suggestion that all the bridesmaids should have duct tape dresses."
"You know what, you really are helping," Penelope said. "Just make sure you wear the dress that Fleur and I picked out for you. Without the tape."
Fortunately for Harry's hide and Luna's hearing, Molly didn't notice that the farm animals were strangely well dressed until after the first guests had arrived.
"Harry, I thought I told you to keep her out of trouble," Molly said through gritted teeth, sidling up to Harry as he admired his handiwork from the back of the meadow where the wedding would be held.
"You did," Harry agreed. "And I did, mostly. I managed to talk her out of the goldfish shoes and the purple dinner jackets."
"Goldfish…" Molly shook her head and sighed. "Oh well. At least the dragons seem to be enjoying themselves. Though what you've done to those poor goats I don't know. They look very peeved."
"They ate their hats and ties," Harry informed her. "They probably have indigestion."
/\\/\\/\\/\/\/\\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\\/\/\
"Now, my minions, is the time to strike!" Voldemort declared, pacing back and forth in the foyer of the Riddle mansion. "The Weasleys are planning on having a little celebration today. Well, what sort of a celebration would it be without-"
Voldemort paused her rant, frowning and looking about.
"Without what?" Rastaban asked, looking confused.
"Tell me, has the color scheme always been this wretched?" Voldemort demanded, gesturing at the faded old paint and hangings. "And the lighting, ugh. Hardly has an evil lair vibe to it at all! Disgraceful."
"I know what you mean," Bellatrix said, nodding sympathetically. "I've always thought it could really use more emerald and silver. And with a bit of a darkened lighting. Perfect for brooding and evil rants."
"We could pick something up after our raid," Tonks offered. "They've got some wonderful Slytherin draperies at Madam Malkin's."
"No! I will not use another's banner!" Voldemort declared. "I do like the idea of green though. But not the silver. I think a black accent would be better. With some slightly yellow lighting."
"What does that have to do with raiding the Weasley wedding?" Rastaban asked, still confused.
"IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT!" Voldemort shrieked, poking Rastaban in the chest with a long, pointed nail and causing him to flinch. "That's why I had to spend all morning picking out the right outfit! One can't go on a raid looking like a mudblood, you have to have an outfit that will both strike fear into the heart of your foes, AND flatter your figure!"
"Makes the thought of dying in battle bloody appealing," Sirius grumbled under his breath, only for Remus to elbow him and glare.
"Shut up. The longer she spends on draperies and outfits, the less time we have to spend on damage control from one of her little terror raids," Lupin hissed.
"You didn't have her spending all morning dressing you up like a clothes horse!" Sirius growled, glaring at his friend.
"No, that's Tonks job. And I helped her pick out my outfit, thank you very much. Besides, you look nice in that leather jacket. And those leather chaps."
"You make one comment about how my butt looks and I'll kill you, Mooney."
"Oh, don't worry Padfoot. I'm sure Voldiepoo will make plenty."
"Time enough for redecorating later!" Voldemort declared. "We will stop by Knockturn Alley on our way back, and pick up a few things."
"What about lunch?" Quirrell asked, holding up a picnic basket. "We don't want to get hungry on the raid."
"WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR LUNCH!" Voldemort raved. "This is a serious battle!"
"What about tea?" Quirrell prompted.
Voldemort opened her mouth to shriek, then paused, tapping at her lip thoughtfully with one finger. "Well, perhaps we have time for tea. THEN WE DESTROY THE WEASLEYS!"
Quirrell happily conjured chairs for everyone, putting on a chefs hat and passing out tea cups, which he then filled with piping hot tea from a kettle he pulled out of his picnic basket.
"Say, do you have any of those spinach rolls, Quirinius?" Rodolphus asked. "They were very good the last time you made them."
"Of course!" Quirrell said happily, digging in the basket and pulling out a tupperware container, which he cracked open to reveal a number of spinach rolls. He began passing them out, but when Voldemort received hers, she eyed the container angrily.
"Minion, where did you get that container?" Voldemort demanded.
"Oh, erm, nowhere," Quirrell said, hiding the container behind his back.
"Oh really? Because I distinctly remember a muggle woman coming around selling such containers, and my specifically ordering you not to get any, and to kill her and hide the body somewhere," Voldemort hissed, standing up as Quirrell flinched and crouched down until the Dark Lady towered over him.
"Oh, well, I think I may remember something like that," Quirrell admitted. "But, you know, it does such a wonderful job of keeping things fresh, and they're stackable and very handy and you can wash and reuse them and-"
"THAT'S WHAT CHARMS ARE FOR!" Voldemort screamed, banging Quirrell on the head with a fist until fell over. "You are a wizard, not a muggle house wife! ACT LIKE IT!"
"You know, these really are fresh," Sirius said, waving a half eaten spinach roll. "And I'm pretty sure he made them last night."
"Did you?" Voldemort demanded, glaring down at Quirrell.
"Um, yes?" Quirrell said, holding the container up in a shaking hand.
Voldemort grabbed one and bit into it. After chewing for a moment, she grunted and sat back down. "Fine, the tupperware stays, this is delicious. But you're still going to have to track that women down and kill her."
Quirrell blushed, looking away as he stood up and shifting from foot to foot.
"Quirrell…." Voldemort growled, glaring at her minion.
"Well, it's just, Martha was such a lovely lady, and she and I were talking and she was telling me if you have a tupperware party you can invite all your friends over, and you can get these points that you can spend on anything you want, and I really want to get the 20 piece deluxe set! They have a container that would be just perfect for putting that hasty pudding you love in for long raids, and even this wonderful bag that keeps things hot or cold, almost like magic!"
"THERE WILL BE NO TUPPERWARE PARTIES!" Voldemort vowed, standing and knocking her chair over. She then downed the rest of her tea, daintily patted her lips with a napkin, and then tossed the cup over her shoulder. "NOW WE BEGIN MY REIGN OF TERROR ANEW! BWAHAAHAHHAHAHA! SIRIUS!"
Sirius started, spilling a bit of his tea on his leather jacket. "Um, yes, my lady?"
"Don't call me that," Voldemort snapped. "It's still my lord. Have you the portkey?"
"Yes?" Sirius asked, drawing out a large stone circle.
"Excellent! Today will end in fire and fury! The Weasleys will rue the day they crossed Lord Voldemort! Wait. Did you just spill tea on your jacket?!"
"Maybe?" Sirius whimpered, cringing slightly.
Voldemort sighed heavily. "Fool! That is dry clean only! Take it off, we'll have to get rid of that before it stains. THEN WE DESTROY THE WEASLEYS!"
\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
CLIFF HANGER, HANGING FROM A CLIFFFFFFF
AND THAT'S WHY HE'S CALLED CLIFF HANGER!
CANT! HOLD ON! MUCH! LONGER!