38. There For You
Shaw stood in his room, playing with a remote control that allowed him to view home. All he had to do was press the number 4 and the walls of his room became the beach. He could see the waves, the sunset, even the houses that lined the beach. He could hear the water hit the shore, the birds as they sang on his ceiling. He lay down on his bed, wondering why the world turned out the way it did. The Capitol could create a whole paradise in a person's bedroom, but they used technology in horrible, awful ways instead. All the cures that were discovered, all the developments that the world made over the years; it was all turned into viruses and weapons to kill.
The knocking on his door brought him back to the present. He would have turned his room back to normal, but he liked it too much; he even felt like he could feel the sun shining on him.
"Come in," He watched as Mal stuck her head in, and then her eyes grew and her mouth fell. "It's home." She stated.
She walked around the room, touching the wall as she passed like she would actually feel the sand. Instead she found a cold, hard wall beneath her hand. "It's more about the visual." He said. Mal sat down on his bed and watched the waves.
"You didn't find the remote in your room?" He asked. She shrugged, "I didn't want to bother with any of it. All of this technology that they have here. It just makes me angry that they can live like this while there are people in the districts dying every day."
He sighed, "I guess that's true. But it's easy to be selfish when you're about to die for nothing." Mal looked back at him. He was still lying on his pillow, staring up at the birds flying over his head. Mal settled in next to him and watched the birds as well.
"Do you remember that party last year?" she asked, "the one at Bev's beach house?" Shaw pulled his eyes away from the birds to look at her. She waited a moment to clear her eyes before she looked back at him. When she did, she felt the full force of those blue eyes. He didn't respond, but she could tell that he was thinking about it.
Shaw walked into Bev's house feeling more uneasy than he had in his life. He didn't belong here. The music was loud, the kids were the most popular people in school, and the alcohol was flowing. It wasn't really Shaw's scene. He didn't have many friends, but the ones he did have enjoyed movie nights and going fishing.
He didn't know why he came. The only reason he'd been invited was because some of Bev's friends were pre gaming on the beach where he was walking. One of the girls had already gotten drunk, and she'd stumbled up to him and grabbed his arm. Her words were slurred and she probably wouldn't even remember asking him if he'd come.
Why had he come? The more he saw and the longer he stayed; the more out of place he felt. "You did come!" He turned around to see the girl from the beach. He didn't know her name, and he doubted she knew his. But he at least recognized her as one of the girls who hung around Mal. He wondered if she'd be here. "Yeah," he glanced around the room, giving it a quick scan for Mal. The girl threw her arms around him. She looked even more drunk than she was on the beach; he hadn't thought that was possible. "Easy," he steadied her, and she giggled. "I've seen you around school before. Shay right?"
"Shaw," he corrected. A smile slid onto her face, "Shaw…" she looked up at him, "what a hot name." He cleared his throat, "Uh, thank you. I should get going though."
"Oh, but you just got here!" she pouted. "Seala, is this guy bothering you?" Seala. Okay, so at least he could say he knew the name of the girl who was currently running her hand over his chest. "No," she said to the boy who came up to them, "he's not bothering me at all." Shaw nodded, "no problem here. Your friend is a little tipsy though," he gently pulled her arms away and gestured to the boy, who wrapped his arm around her. "Come on Seala; let's go get some fresh air. You must be extremely hammered if you're hitting on a loser like him." Shaw didn't answer, he just watched as they walked out towards the beach. There was truth in the boy's words. Shaw was a loser, he didn't fit in with this crowd; with Mal's crowd. He headed for the door quickly, nudging people out of his way. "Ow,"
"Sorry." He mumbled, but kept pushing towards the door. "Shaw?" he turned around to see that the girl he'd just bumped into was Mal. Of course it was. She walked closer. "I didn't even recognize you. What are you doing here?"
"Seala invited me. It was a bad idea though, I was just leaving." He wanted this conversation to be as quick and painless as possible. But then she said, "You should stay." And his resolve was out the door.
Mal walked around with him, got him a drink, went down to the water. They put their feet in the ocean, "So, not to ruin it, but why are you being so nice to me?" he asked. Mal looked confused, "I never had a problem with you, Shaw. I've always liked you; we just…didn't have the same friends."
He could already tell by the heat he was feeling that he was going to ruin it. "Right," he mumbled. Mal glanced over at him, "I've known you since I was a kid." she said.
Shaw shifted his feet, "But it doesn't change the fact that we're from two different worlds. I'm a fisherman's son and you're…you." she looked a little bit offended, "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing," he said, "I didn't mean it in a bad way. We just don't fit in the same crowd. So why do you not care if you're seen with me now?" Mal shrugged, "I don't know." Shaw didn't want to accept that answer, but he also didn't want to push it. He regretted this conversation, it hadn't gotten them anywhere. It only made them more uncomfortable with each other; to say it out loud why they weren't friends."Look," she sighed, "I'm just going to go back inside. I'll see you around, okay?" He nodded, taking a sip of his beer.
She touched his arm as she passed, and he turned his head to the sea. What was his problem? What was it about this girl? Why couldn't he just get over her? How many times had he told himself that she was nothing special? How long had he spent trying to convince himself that there were more girls than just that one?
He'd been down this road too many times before, and he knew that it was time to just go home. He'd probably be spending a lifetime wondering the answers to those questions. He tossed his bottle as far as he could into the ocean, an offense that he could probably be put in jail for, but it didn't seem to matter.
Shaw turned his back on the sea and headed back into the house. He'd only let himself look at her one more time before he left. He glanced around the crowded room. The people had multiplied since he'd gotten there. She wasn't in the kitchen or the living room, he'd knocked on the bathroom, but that contained Seala and the boy from earlier making out, and he quickly closed the door. He took another look outside just to make sure, but he didn't see her there either.
Normal people would probably shrug it off and go home, but Shaw was a worrier. He'd always been, even when he was young. And right now he was worrying about her. Even if his panicking ended in embarrassment, he knew it'd be better than leaving without knowing where she was. So, he headed upstairs. The hall was dark and empty, he could tell that it was off limits, but he started opening doors anyway. The upstairs bathroom, Bev's parents' room, and her brother's room were empty. He crossed the hall to Bev's room and opened the door.
Mal was in there alright; pinned against the wall with a boy kissing her neck. The sight of her hooking up with another guy made his heart drop into his stomach. And then her eyes met his, and she looked afraid. The pieces suddenly clicked in his mind. She was pushing against him. All Shaw saw was red, and he grabbed the guy by his jacket and threw him across the floor. He slid on his back and looked up at Shaw, shocked.
"Who the hell are you?" He asked from the floor. Shaw didn't answer, he just stared at her. "You really don't want to start a fight with me right now." something in Shaw's voice must have scared the guy, because when Mal glanced at him, he was scurrying out of the room.
Shaw put his hands on his hips and looked up at the ceiling, trying to gain his composure. "Are you okay?" he asked. She nodded. "Can I bring you home?" she nodded again. "Let's go." he said.
Mal reached for his hand as they walked down the hallway and his grip tightened over her fingers. "Are you sure you're alright?"
"Yeah," her voice cracked, "I'm fine." As they made their way through the crowd, Shaw and Mal saw the creep with his arm around Seala. Shaw sighed, she'd just been safely making out in the bathroom with a different guy. Shaw let go of Mal's hand and walked up to them, without a word from anyone, he pulled his fist back and flung it as hard as he could into the boy's face. Seala covered her mouth as he landed on the floor for the second time tonight.
Shaw leaned down and gave him another hit, two black eyes. And he was unconscious. "Stay away from him, he's trouble." He mumbled to Seala. "When he wakes up, kick him out of here."
Seala glanced at Mal, who nodded in agreement.
The ride home was extremely awkward. Neither one of them knew what to say. Shaw's radio was busted too, so all they had was silence. He still held her hand on the seat, and he tried to memorize what it felt like. Her hand was small compared to his, and her skin was smooth and warm. He liked the feeling of her hand in his.
He pulled up to her house and turned the key, creating even more silence. "Thank you, Shaw."
"Don't mention it." he answered, not meeting her eyes. She pulled her hand away, "I was actually going to ask you to do that."
"Sorry?" he finally looked over at her. She bit her lip, "Well, I'd rather not tell anyone."
"About what?" he asked, "that creep…or me?" Mal looked down at her hands, "There's nothing to tell when it comes to you." It was true, but it hurt. He laughed under his breath, "I guess you're right."
Mal opened her door, and he covered her hand that still rested on the seat with his, "What were you doing up there with him anyway?" he asked.
"I went up there by myself. He must have seen me. The next thing I know he's in there, the door is closed, and I'm against the wall." Shaw's jaw clenched, some of that anger coming back.
Mal climbed out and closed the door. Without another word, she walked down her driveway. His headlights still lit the way as she reached her door. He was the kind of guy who waited until a girl got safely inside her house. The kind that showed up right when you needed him. The kind that understood that 'no' means 'no'.
Mal turned on her heel and started running. She reached his window just in time to catch his confused expression. And she kissed him with that look on his face. That what the hell is she doing? look on his face. He didn't react, his hands stayed tightly gripping the wheel and his lips were still.
When she pulled away, he still had the same look on his face. What the hell is she doing?
She pulled off of his truck and walked back to her house, she couldn't stop the smile on her face. She didn't know what the hell she was doing either, but she knew she wanted to. And she knew she'd liked it.
"What about that night?" Shaw asked, bringing his gaze back to the ceiling and the birds. "You saved me." she answered, "And now you're saving me again."
Shaw kept his eyes upward, "I guess I just can't leave you alone." He said sarcastically.
She kept her eyes on the side of his face, "Thank you for that night. And thank you for now. I've never met anyone like you, Shaw," she hesitated, "But I'm so afraid. I keep thinking about that night and how I just stood there. That guy came in, and I just froze. I didn't know what to do. What if I'm like that in the arena? What if I can't react; can't fight? You were there for me back then and you're doing it again. I don't deserve it, Shaw. I never treated you that great. I don't deserve you." Her voice broke and he closed his eyes.
"Mal, you're going to be okay in there. I'm going to fight for you. That's what I volunteered for. And you are worth it. I've been in love with you since we were kids, Mal. You're special." She covered her eyes with her hand, "I don't want to say goodbye to you." she whispered.
"Maybe goodbye isn't always a bad thing." He said. Mal didn't bother wiping at her tears, there were only more coming. "Not with us." She answered.
"It's not forever. It can't be. I don't know about reincarnation, or heaven or any of that. I never thought it was possible; our world is too cruel for second chances. But I realize now that there's no way I'll never see you again." Crying turned to sobbing, and he finally shifted to look at her. She looked the way he felt; like her heart was breaking.
He slid closer and held her, cradling her head into his chest and draping his arm over her. Annie and Finnick had both knocked on the door countless times, calling them to dinner, but Shaw ignored it until Mal calmed down.
When she did, he brushed her hair back, "Are you hungry?" she shook her head. "Come on, you have to be. All that crying must have worked up some kind of appetite." He poked her stomach and she gave him a breathy laugh. "Okay," she agreed.
As they sat down at the table, Finnick, Annie, and their escort, Capri were all silent. They'd already started eating, but since neither tribute ate very much, they were all finished when desert came through.
They ate that in silence as well. "We have a lot to talk about." Annie finally said quietly. "I don't feel like talking." Shaw replied.
Finnick's hands came together, "We have to, we need to talk about your interviews, what to do in training, what you're going to do in front of the judges."
"Not tonight." Shaw insisted.
"This is important, Shaw." Annie looked at him like she didn't understand. "I said not tonight."
Finnick sighed, the kid reminded him so much of himself, "Shaw, I know you're struggling with this, but you don't have a choice. You start training tomorrow, so stop acting like you know better than us and get your head in it."
Shaw looked back and forth between Finnick and Annie for a minute, knowing that they were right. He needed to start focusing. He needed to start talking to the other tributes, making a plan, finding flaws, strengths and weaknesses. He needed to figure out how to keep Mal alive. He didn't need his mentors knowing that he didn't intend on coming out of the arena. They didn't need to know that he had every intention of dying in there for the only girl he'd ever loved; the only girl he ever would love. "Alright, let's get started then."