Chapter 35

I'd climbed the makeshift ladder up to the tree house so many times that my fingers knew every knot and ridge in the wood. The harsh edges and splinters that used to pierce our young skin had been smoothed over with time, buffed by our eager feet.

The familiar damp, leafy smell greeted my nostrils, bringing forth so many memories that my breath caught in my throat. Never would I have imagined that I would one day be climbing into the tree house to end my friendship with Jasper.

I could hear him shuffling around inside as I started my ascent. When he stopped moving, I knew he could hear my approach. Heart thumping, I paused and took a moment to collect myself. The last thing I wanted to do was cry before I'd even had a chance to say a word. Pushing away the memories that were breaking my heart, I took a deep breath and climbed inside.

His eyes met mine from across the room. Holding his gaze, I climbed fully inside and sat down with my back against the wall opposite him. At first glance he looked just the same, yet on closer inspection he looked entirely different: His hair curled in the same way, his eyes were the same dark grey, his top lip still tilted up crookedly on one side, which to me always looked like the beginnings of a smile. But today there was a difference. There was a bleakness in his eyes that I didn't recognise, a tense set to his jaw, and dark hollows in his cheeks. All of which lent a harsh edge to his normally pleasant features.

He broke eye contact first and cast his gaze downward. I watched him tug at a loose knot of threads on his ripped jeans with shaking fingers.

My heart lurched. It hurt to see him looking so vulnerable.

"I'm sorry."

His voice was barely audible in the space between us.

He looked up and I felt a sharp pang of the pain evident in his expression. But it was fleeting, quickly replaced by anger so deep it shocked me. Suddenly, I wanted to yell at him and curse him for ruining everything. For making it impossible for us to ever find our way back to how we used to be. We were merely feet apart, yet it felt like the distance between us could never be bridged.

Hot angry tears pricked my eyes.

"I've thought a lot about what I'd say to you if I got the chance," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion. "I've almost called you so many times." He paused. "Look at me, Bella. Please."

"I can't," I said, my eyes trained on a darkened knot in the wooden floor. I was caught between wanting to comfort him and wanting strangle him. If I looked at him, I couldn't be sure which side of me would win out.

He shuffled forward.

"Don't!" The word was harsh and loud and he stopped in his tracks. "Don't come any closer. I only came to tell you that… we can't be friends anymore. "

The words almost choked me.

He sighed heavily and settled back against the wall. "I know," he whispered sadly.

Tears spilled onto my cheeks, but still I couldn't look at him. It was a mistake to come here. Memories of happier times were all around me. The smell of old mixed with the bitter tang of varnish was the smell would always remind me of the many happy hours I'd spent here with Jasper.

"Why did you have to ruin everything?"

"If I could take it back, I would," he responded quietly. "I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am, Bella."

"I don't understand how it happened. You were happy with Alice, you loved her. I know you did." My voice was rising along with my despair.

"I've been talking to someone."

My eyes snapped up, but he wasn't looking at me. His shimmering eyes were fixed on a point beyond the window.

"A therapist," he continued. "When mom died, I didn't really deal with it properly. I couldn't … get my head around it. And then I felt like I was losing you too— " I attempted to argue but he shook his head. "Let me finish, please?"

I nodded even though he wasn't looking at me.

He glanced at me briefly and pursed his lips together as some form of acknowledgement, then continued speaking. "I'm not asking you to excuse what I did, I just want to try to explain it to you. The therapy has helped me to see things more clearly. All my feelings were mixed up."

"Because of the grief?"

"And my jealousy," he admitted solemnly. "It was such a shock losing Mom like that, and I couldn't handle the thought of losing you too."

"But you weren't losing me."

"I know that now, but at the time it felt like I was. When we came back here for the funeral, you were different. You were in love with him then, weren't you?" I nodded. "I was jealous when I thought it was Jacob, but when I found out it was Edward―" He dragged his hand down his face. "I thought he would really hurt you. I couldn't stand the thought of him using you like he did with everyone else."

Anger swelled in my chest. "You never took the time to talk to me about it. You just made up your mind and tried to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me."

My outburst didn't seem to surprise him. He looked at me levelly. "I know, and I'm sorry. I should've been there for you, supporting you instead of undermining you. Through the therapy, I've come to realise what a narcissistic prick I am." He snorted humorlessly. "Nobody is more sickened by my actions than I am, Bella. I promise you. I hate myself for what I did to you at Charlie's wedding."

I grimaced at the memory. "You hurt Alice too," I reminded him sharply.

His lip trembled and he surreptitiously swiped his fingers beneath his eyes as he turned to the window again. "I've loved you for so long," he said quietly. "I loved being there for you when we were growing up and the way you relied on me. I always thought that it was you who needed me and I was living up to the task. It was like a drug, Bella. You made me feel like the most important person in the world. Nobody else made me feel like you did, and I guess it fed my ego. But all along, it was me who needed you. You were my affirmation that I was worth something. You were the one person who didn't question anything I did. You trusted me completely."

His fingers started to tug at the threads again. "I discussed it a lot with my therapist. She made me see that I had allowed our bond to fill me with self-importance. I thought it could never be broken and when Edward came along I felt threatened... Even though I loved Alice and didn't really want you that way." His head dropped into his hands.

"I've been vain and selfish Bella. I wanted you to need me and only me. There's nothing I can say or do to show you how sorry I am. I can't justify it or explain it, except to say that I was a selfish prick. When you found happiness with Edward I should've been there for you, sharing it just like you did when I met Alice. You're not a stupid person, Bella. I should've discussed my fears with you about Edward and trusted your judgement."

"I didn't want him to be your first. I honestly thought he'd take you and throw you aside like he always does… did." He moved as if to come closer, but I shot him a warning glance and he stilled. "I was genuinely scared that he would break your heart, but that didn't give me the right to try to control the situation."

He leaned back, letting out a bitter snort. "This hasn't been easy for me." His red-rimmed eyes flicked to mine. "Realising what an asshole I am. I was so fucked up, Iactually thought I could be your first and it would just be an extension of our friendship and then we could go back to normal. I must've thought I was king of the fucking world, and I was put on this planet to be all things to all people. Fucking Narcissus has nothing on me!'

He picked up a small stone and threw it against the wall. "I've spent every night sitting here going over it all, but it's done and I can't do a goddamn thing about it. I know I can't fix it and I know I don't deserve another chance, but I just wanted you to know that I'm fucking devastated that I ruined everything."

He looked sick to his stomach. Exactly how I felt.

"I've lost everything because I'm an asshole," he spat. "I hurt you and I broke Alice's heart, and I'm so very sorry…" His voice cracked as his emotions boiled over and tears streaked from his eyes.

Pain ripped through me as a loud sob escaped my throat. "You did ruin everything," I cried. "I miss you every single day, but I can't… I love Edward, and I can't let you ruin that too. He gives me the one thing you never did ― self-confidence. He loves me in a way that makes me grow. He doesn't stifle me or treat me like a child the way you and Charlie do. He'll take care of me and let me take care of him." my voice cracked. "If you had opened your eyes to the truth you would have seen how very good he is for me, and that what we have is the same thing you had with Alice. You should have wanted that for me."

We sat on opposite sides of the small cabin and cried. After a few moments, Jasper regained enough composure to speak.

"I know I can't say or do anything to make it up to you, but please believe me when I say that I'm glad you're happy with Edward."

"I am," I muttered, even though at that precise moment I had never felt more miserable. I got up to leave.

"I've applied to NYU again," he blurted.

My eyes shot to his. "You're leaving?"

"Alice wants to get on with her life, and if I stay here I honestly don't think I could stay away from her. She deserves better than that."

The teenager in me was dying to beg him to stay. The thought of not seeing him again crushed me. I thought we would be friends forever, that our families would be close and we would always be a part of each other's' lives. But it was gone. One day his father would no longer live here, and I'd probably never see him again.

No matter how much it hurt, I knew that I would endure it to keep Edward. I'd meant what I told Jasper; Edward had given me my confidence, he helped me grow as a person and I loved him with all my heart. Nothing was more important to me than that.

"I wish it didn't have to end," I whispered, backing towards the hatch.

"Me too," he agreed, gazing at me with tear-filled eyes.

I hurried down the ladder, almost losing my footing. It was better to just leave than linger too long and lose the courage of my convictions.

"Bella!" His cry was desperate and I turned to see him stalking towards me. I was in his arms before I could take another step. "Please don't hate me. That's all I ask."

Sobs wracked my body. It was the setting and the history surrounding us. All our happy times and everything we'd shared t was now reduced to nothing but a pile of bittersweet memories. For a brief moment I clung to him, wishing that I'd never have to let go. But I needed to. As much as I still loved him, I loved Edward so much more.

"I couldn't ever hate you," I said, managing to pull away. "Goodbye, Jazz. Take care of yourself."

The cold air seeped into my skin when he let go and took the porch steps two at a time. The screen door slammed with a loud thwack. He was gone.

I turned the corner, relieved to see Edward waiting on the porch with Charlie. Charlie gave me a strange look and stepped into the house.

I rushed towards Edward and I was so desperate to feel his arms wrap around me, it took a moment for his restraint to register. Confused, I looked up to find him glaring at me.

"Don't!" he hissed when I tried to wrap my arms around him. His hands gripped me like a vice and his face was a mask of barely contained fury. "You couldn't wait, could you? I could feel your excitement all the way here. You couldn't wait to see him."

I gasped. "Edward, it wasn't like that!"

"It's exactly like that! The guy has a major boner for you, and you're all snuggled up with him in that fucking tree house. I thought we were going to talk to him together, but as soon as you could you snuck off to be alone with him. Why did you even bring me here if you're leaving me for him."

"What?"

He plunged his fingers into his hair. "Last night you said you were glad Victoria kissed me. I get it now."

"What are you talking about? You're not even making any sense. I'm not―"

"Save it, Bella. I knew this would happen. It was only a matter of time before you'd leave. God, I've been such a fucking idiot. I thought…" He turned anguished eyes to me. "This is why I don't do relationships. It's all bullshit. You put your heart out there and someone comes along and stomps all over it." He turned, pushed past me and marched down the steps towards the truck. "I never wanted any of this fucking shit, I shouldn't have listened to you."

"But you didn't listen to me!" I yelled. "All the way down here I was trying to talk to you, but you wouldn't let me! Don't walk away from me, Edward. Stay and talk to me."

He yanked the truck door open, the loud screech of metal ringing out louder than my plea.

"I don't want to hear it. I didn't earlier and I don't now. If you want him, go! But don't expect me to sit around and talk about it."

"No Edward! Wait!" I cried reaching for the handle as he slammed the door.

He peeled out of the driveway almost and I stumbled backwards, helpless to stop him.

"Bella!" Charlie appeared beside me and held me back when I made another lunge forward.

"Stop him," I begged, struggling to free myself from his grip.

Tears blurred my vision as the truck disappeared out of sight.

Don't you just hate cliffies? Well fear not, the next chapter is coming right up.

Thank you for reading

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