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Darkness. That was all I could see. No bright lights. No loved one telling me it's okay to let go. It was just dark, cold and lonely. I'm trying so hard to wake up, for my eyes to see something, anything to give me even an ounce of hope that this isn't the end for me. That I still have time to continue my dreams and aspirations. To live my life for those who couldn't. And, to realize I still had a reason to fight. I just didn't know it yet.
OoOoOoOo
Quietness is all that's around me. I don't know what's happening or what I can do to change this and I'm starting to get really fed up. I hate being in this position, with questions running rapidly throughout my mind. I'm trying so hard to break free when a sudden idea comes to me. I need to stop fighting my own body and listen; actually listen to what's around me.
Strangely enough, within seconds, I'm calm and even a little relaxed as I'm focusing all my efforts into trying to get clues on what's happening in the real world. At first I hear nothing and feel defeated. But, I can't give up and the more I focus, I quickly hear faint sounds. The first noise I pick up on is the constant beeping sound and I instantly know I'm in the hospital. Not my favorite place to be, but at least I know I'm safe. Next, I hear footsteps, lots and lots of footsteps. And lastly, I hear crying. The loud sobs grab my attention as my heart starts aching because I know those sobs belong to my mother. "Don't cry mom, I'm okay," I yell over and over again, trying to send some comfort to her and letting her know I'm not in pain. Well, at least not at the moment. I want to scream at the doctors, nurses and my parents to let them know I'm still here, and just when I'm about to try, I feel a shooting pain in my chest and then the silence is back.
I feel the sharp pain on my side again and then, nothing. My head starts throbbing and then, nothing. My body feels like it's on fire and I want to cry out in discomfort but then as soon as it starts, it disappears. All this back-and-forth is making me nervous and angry because all I want to do is wake up and find out what's happening to me. I was on a high, wanting to fight but now, I see a twinkle of bright light and that, that makes me want to give up. To throw in the towel and go in peace because I'm so tired. You may call me a coward and a quitter, but I'm so lost right now. And obviously, my fighting isn't getting me anywhere.
A sense of tranquility fills my body just when I'm about to say okay, a jolt runs through my body and I'm suddenly blinded by bright lights and am breathing as if I'm gasping for air. I hear shrieks of happiness and I feel a tightness around my neck as I'm so very confused on what just happened. "My baby! Oh my baby! You're okay," I hear a familiar voice shout.
"Anna, darling. Let Kimmy breathe, alright. I'll go get the doctor," another familiar voice say as I hear the footsteps exiting my room.
My eyes are still sensitive to the light as I can only open them slightly but, I take a quick glance around the room to see my mother staring at me intensely and all at once, things are coming back to me. "Mom," I cough out, my voice rough and raspy.
"Oh, Kimmy. Thank god you're okay," she cries, hugging me again and kissing my cheek.
"What happened?" I ask her as my eyes are now fully open and I can finally see her and all the machines I'm hooked up to.
"You don't remember?" My mother questions me with the tilt of her head.
"I, um," I start off I'm trying to think back to what it was doing before I woke up here. "I was at school, walking to class when-,"
"Miss. Crawford, I'm glad to see you wake," an older man probably around the age of 60-ish greets me, interrupting my story as he and my father enter my room.
"Hello," I smile politely.
"Doctor! Do you know what's wrong with our daughter?" My mother jumps in.
"I think I do. I've been reading her file from Dr. Stevens in California and it's fairly obvious. But, I would like to ask Kimberly a few questions. Just to get more information," the doctor replies to my mother and then turns to me. "Is that okay? Are you up for a few questions?"
"Yeah, I fine," I nod.
"Okay. So, tell me the last thing you remember," the doctor inquires.
"Like I was telling my mom before you came in my room was that I remember being on campus. I was walking to meet up with a friend when um," I start to trail off, looking down at my lap.
"It's okay Kimberly. Take your time," the doctor assures me with a soft smile.
"I, oh yeah," I nod to myself before sharing. "I started to feel this shooting pain on my right side and my vision was starting to get blurry. It all happened so fast."
"Thank you Kimberly. That's very helpful," my doctor responds, writing something in my file.
"So, does that help your diagnosis?" My mother probes with eagerness.
"Yes, it does," the doctor affirms. "But, after taking with Dr. Stevens, I'm going to wait until I have all of Kimberley's files before I make a final prognosis. I should have an answer for you by tomorrow. In the meantime, Mr. and Mrs. Crawford, please don't worry too much since nothing is definite yet. Kimberly, rest up, okay. I'll have a nurse come back later to check in on you. And, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Dr. Lindy and I'll be on your service while you're here."
"It's nice to meet you Dr. Lindy," I welcome.
"And, you as well," Dr. Lindy adds before giving my parents a nod goodbye and exiting my room.
"Oh Kimmy! Thank god you're okay," my mother cries, hugging me with all her strength. "You scared us to death."
"I know mom, sorry," I mumble, looking up to the ceiling.
"It's not your fault honey, things happen. All we can do now is focus on the future. You're going to be just fine," my mother assures me, trying to keep a brace face.
"What about school? The semester just started," I wonder in panic.
"I'll call your teachers and we'll see what we can work out. But, your health is the most important thing right now," my mother reminds me.
"I know. But, I worked so hard to get to where I am now. I can't give up!" I push frantically.
"And, you won't be. But, you have to be alive and healthy to do so. So like I said before, we'll see what we can do," my mother repeat, giving me a stern stare. "And, you may want to let Kelly know, just in case. I also have to call your aunt Stella and tell her the news."
"Fine," I grumble. "And mom? Can we hold off on calling everyone until we know more? I don't want them freaking out just yet, since it could turn out to be nothing serious."
My mother eyes me for second before slowly nodding and giving in. "Okay. We'll wait a few days. In the meantime, rest up. You need it."
I didn't have the strength to argue so I just leaned back, get comfortable and close my eyes hoping for some rest. By the time I woke up, it was dark outside and my room empty. I couldn't believe I was out for that long, considering I was already out for a little bit earlier in the day, but my body must have needed it, more than I realized.
Then the confusion hit me and I quickly ring the nurses' bell to find out what happened to my parents. Within seconds the door opens to a young women. "Miss Crawford, is everything okay?" She asks as she walks over to my machines to check my vitals.
"I was wondering what happened to my parents?" I answer her softly.
"Your parent headed home, per the doctors request. You all need rest and they promised to be back early tomorrow morning," she responds with a small smile. "Can I get you anything else while I'm here?"
"Um, some water and maybe Jell-O or applesauce, please," I reply, realizing I need something in my system since I haven't eaten in a while.
"Of course. I'll be right back," she finishes as she quickly walks out of my room.
I'm surprised my parents actually left because usually they never would, but I'm sure they put up one heck of a fight not wanting to leave their daughter alone without knowing what's wrong. Seconds later, the nurse returns with the glass of water and two cups; one applesauce and one Jell-O as I murmur a thank you and start eating. Once I finish eating everything, I feel little better and close my eyes, not ready to face tomorrow.
OoOoOoOo
The beeping on one of the machines is going crazy at I'm suddenly awake but still feeling a little sluggish. "Sorry Kimberly, I didn't mean to wake you," the nurse apologizes as he's switching bags and hooking something back up.
"It's fine. What are you switching out?" I ask curiously.
"Your saline drip," he replies, patting my shoulder gently.
"Oh, okay," I nod as I roll over a little and go back to sleep.
I'm shocked I'm back to sleep so fast as that only happens when I'm sick, like really sick. So now, I know something must really be wrong with me. I'm having a dream about the rain when the smell of food invades my senses. Slowly opening my eyes, I see my parent sitting together, making small talk and eating their breakfasts. "Mom, dad," I moan out, still not fully awake.
"Hey sweetheart. How are you feeling?" my mother wonders, getting up and sitting on the side of my bed.
"I'm okay. Still a little tired though," I yawn. "And, I'm surprised you guys left last night."
"Well, we didn't have much of a choice. Dr. Lindy he said that you were resting and there wasn't anything we can do just yet. He advised us to get to rest as well. I had to practically drag your mother out of here," my father answers with a smirk.
"I wouldn't doubt it," I tease as I grab my glass of water.
Silence fills the room as we're all nervous about the news I'm about to receive. We try make small talk but nothing seems to get rid of the anxiety and tension and just what I'm about to rest, the door opens and Dr. Lindy enters with an emotionless face. "Good morning Crawford family. How are you all feeling today?" Dr. Lindy asks politely, placing my file on table.
"We're okay doctor. We just want to know what's wrong with our daughter. Is it cancer? Did the cancer return? How bad is it? Does she have much time left?" My mother stars to list off.
"Mrs. Crawford, please. Take a deep breath and I'll explain everything. But I must warn you, it's not all good news," Dr. Lindy replies as I sit up in my bed and my parents stand there frozen for a second before sitting back down in their chairs.
"I think I'm going to be sick," I groan, grabbing the extra bucket sitting my little side table.
"Kimberly, you too also need to stay calm, understand. I know this a lot to take in, but the more you're calm, the easier it is for your mind and body to absorb but I'm staying," Dr. Lindy suggest. "And now, to answer your questions Mrs. Crawford, no. Kimberly does not have cancer, nor has it returned. That's the good news. The not so good news is that Kimberly is still sick, to an extent. Since she only have one kidney, that kidney has to work overtime to keep her healthy and her body functioning properly. I know you've been through tough times recently, Kimberly, and all that added stress put more strain on your kidney. At first, looking at your scans we thought it was normal weakening. A little bit of rest and maybe some medication could help. But, it's worse than we thought. Your kidney is functioning at a little below twenty-five. Anything less than that, you'd be in kidney failure. We need to put you on dialysis right away to keep your kidney healthy and functioning until we get a kidney transplant because we don't know how long your kidney will survive. On a normal patient, I would say we had some time. But, with you and the way your body is reacting, we don't have much time. Mr. and Mrs. Crawford, I know you've been tested before and are not a match. We will try again, just to double-check and you also need to start thinking of family members and friends that could help. At this point, we're looking at anyone."
"I'm sorry, but did you just say that my daughter's kidney is failing and she's going to need surgery?" My mother repeats, gripping onto my father's hand tightly.
"Yes ma'am. Kimberly's body has done fairly well up until now. But with her life changes and just her body in general, like anything else, can only take so much before it needs some extra help," Dr. Lindy explains.
"Can we get tested now?" My dad moves on.
"Yes sir," Dr. Lindy nods. "And afterwards, I can help you with contacting the people you need to."
"Thank you but there aren't too many people to call. We would however appreciate if you would be around to answer any questions they may have," my mother adds
"Of course Mrs. Crawford. I'll help in any way I can. Now, are the two of you way to go?" Dr. Lindy questions, collecting my file.
"Yes," both my parents nod.
"Okay, great. Follow me and we'll get started. Kimberly, we'll be back soon. Try and relax, alright," Dr. Lindy finishes as all three quickly exit my room.
I sit there, staring at the wall, not believing what's happening to me. Cancer won't be the cause of my death, my own body will be. Never in a million years would I suspect that the organ that was taken out of my body to save my life would be the one that will kill me. And deep down, I know this is partially my fault. If I had taking care of myself, we wouldn't be in the situation. I cursed to the world, curse to myself and tell Jacob and Viviana I'll be seeing them soon.
No more than an hour later, my parents, Dr. Lindy and a nurse return to my room, all with serious expressions on their faces as the nurse starts hooking me up for dialysis and my parents start calling everyone for help; which I feel guilty for.
My father calls his family; my uncle, my aunt and my grandmother who lives in Florida and Ohio respectively and all three agree to help with Dr. Lindy taking over and ask them for their doctors' information so he can contact them to explain the situation. My mother calls Aunt Stella, explaining of the situation and since the room is so quiet, I hear my aunt shouting that they will be on the next flight to New York. My mother also calls Anastasia and my stomach drops because I don't want Jack finding out. Thankfully my mother catches my pleading expression and asks Anastasia not to mention this to Jack; which she reluctantly agrees to. And, after all the calls are made I see both parents staring at me with that look as I know what I have to do.
Pouting like a child, I grab my phone and decide to FaceTime Kelly, needing to do this face-to-face-ish. It rings a few times, each ring made me more nervous before as she finally answers, half-asleep. "Kim, hey," she smiles.
"Hey Kel, sorry to wake you," I quickly apologize.
"No, it's fine. I was about to wake up anyways. What's up," she wave off.
"Nothing much," I sigh. "But I do need to tell you something."
"Okay," Kelly nod slowly as she's more awake and staring at me. "Kim, what's going on?"
"I'm, um, sick again. But it's not cancer," I tell her.
"Kim, what? She screams. "What's wrong?"
"My kidney is failing and I need a transplant," I speak honestly.
"Oh my God, Kim," Kelly cries outs. "I'll go to my doctor's after class and get tested. I'll fly out to see you. I'll-."
"Kelly, no," I stop her. "Listen to me. I love you. You're my best friends, but I can't ask you to do that, okay? You need to stay healthy and I'm not risking it. I am however asking you to just be here for me and support my decisions. Can you do that?"
She's crying even harder and it breaks my heart as I feel my own tears coming to the surface. "I– I can do that. I promise I'll be here for you," she replies, wiping her eyes. "What about –?"
"He doesn't know. Nor he will he ever know," I cut her off, knowing exactly where she is going with the question.
"But Kim, he deserves to know," Kelly counters.
"No, he doesn't. I can't break his heart again," I retort.
"But, you not telling him and him finding out something happened to you on his own will break his heart even more. Stop being so damn stubborn and selfish. Just tell him, please," she begs me.
"I-I can't. And neither will you. I have to go, alright. I'll call you later," I finish as I hang up.
"Kimmy," my mother sighs, shaking her head at me with that disappointing look.
I ignore her and the feeling in my gut that I'm doing the wrong thing, again. I just can't seem to ever do the right thing when I counts the most.
OoOoOoOo
Dialysis is long and boring, but is helping me so I can't complain too much. All day, nurses and Dr. Lindy keep coming into my room, checking in on me and discussing my options for future steps forward. I'm on the transplant list in case no one is a match and I can only hope that someone is or that I at least make it to the actual surgery.
That night, after visiting hours are over, my parents are getting ready to leave when a nurse comes rushing in. "Mrs. Crawford, there's a Stella DeCalro outside for you," she says in one breath.
"That's my sister. She's here for the blood test for her niece, Kimberly Crawford. Can you bring her up real quick? Just so she can see her?" my mother asked her tiredly.
"Of course," the nurse nods as a minute later, Aunt Stella, Uncle Bennett, Owen and Darren are running into my room and tackling my into a hug.
"Oh butterfly, we're all here for you," my aunt whispers, trying not to cry.
"You better fight like hell Kimmy," Uncle Bennett warns me with a sadden expression.
"Hang in there KC," Owen continue.
"And, don't give up. Please," Darren adds.
"Thank you so much for coming," I cry. "And don't worry. I'm not giving up just yet."
They all smile and give me one last hug before all leaving with my parents, who kiss my forehead and cheek real quick. My old sleeping pattern is back as I hardly slept that night; my mind too busy with all that has happened. By the time I finally fall asleep, it doesn't seem like much as I'm suddenly being woken up for dialysis again. My family returns back to my room early in the morning with my aunt, uncle and cousins going to get tested. I've come to learn that my condition is serious as Dr. Lindy has put a rush on all my tests.
OoOoOoOo
The next morning, the results are back and out of my whole family, Owen is the only match. But even his much isn't that high of a match. Anastasia comes to following day, gets tested by the evening we find out that she isn't a match either. My chances of getting a kidney are getting slimmer by the day with my name not moving any further up on the list. I can see my parents holding back tears as they know, there isn't much more they can do at this point but pray for miracle.
OoOoOoOo
By the end of the week, we find out that my grandmother is match but with her health not in the best condition and her age, we decide not to accept her kidney unless it's the absolute last resort.
"Kimberly, the dialysis is working well enough for us to keep searching for the perfect kidney for another week or two, but no more than that. Owen is still on the top of our list in case he's our only option and also has strict orders to follow for the next two weeks. Are you okay with that decision?" Dr. Lindy questions me with seriousness in his voice.
"Yes, Dr. Lindy. That's fine with me. But if my cousin has other obligations, please tell him it's okay for him to take a step back," I tell him.
"Owen says he staying until your surgery. And okay then. Keep up the good work and I'll check in on you a little later," Dr. Lindy smiles, exiting in my room as I go back to reading my book.
OoOoOoOo
During the week, I'm starting to feel better, my parents and family have extended the search out to other friends and Kelly has been calling me nonstop with wanting to be the best support system I have. This road has been rough, but I've come too far to give up now. I'm ready for my surgery that's scheduled for next week but at the same time, I'm nervous as hell to go through something major like this.
OoOoOoOo
By the start of the third week, everyone is tiptoeing around me, trying to ease my mind and Owen, who's been nothing short of amazing throughout this has really been my lucky star. I'm so honored to have such an amazing family, who I love more than words can describe. Dr. Lindy has finally dropped off the informational sheets about the surgery as I can see the worry in my parent's eyes. "Mom, dad," I smile, giving them the happiness they lost. "Everything's going to be okay. I'm going to be healthy again."
"We know baby girl. We just wish we could do more. Take this pain away so you can be a normal adult," my mother sighs.
"I know mommy, I know," I nod sadly, haring to see the pain on my parents faces. "But, you've raise me to be strong and-."
"Sorry to interrupt but we have to prep Kimberly for surgery," Dr. Lindy cuts in.
"What? Now?" My dad shrieks. "What the hell is going on?"
"In a surprising turn of events, Kimberly is having her surgery right now. We know its last minute but a kidney has just become available and has the highest percentage we've seen this far. We can't pass it up. Mr. and Mrs. Crawford, I know this is sudden, but I feel like this is our best window of opportunity," Dr. Lindy expresses.
"Okay," my mother nods hesitantly as nurses are rapidly unhooking my from the machine and getting me prep.
"We love you Kim," I hear my parent's shouts from besides me.
"I love you guys too," I wave, blowing them a kiss as I'm being wheeled out of my room.
Within minutes, I am in an OR and getting anesthesia as the bright lights disappear and I feel free. I hear the faint sounds of classical music for a long time and then am greeted by a very familiar face that makes me smile. "Long time no see my friend," Viviana grins.
"Yeah, you can say that again. How are you Viv?" I wonder.
"I'm doing okay. I miss my old life, but I'm doing alright with this guardian angel gig. I just saved your ass," she tells me with a straight face.
"What!" I inquire with a raised eyebrow.
"Kim, you have so much more life to live. I couldn't let you give up so fast. I know that you're going through, dare I say, hell, but we had to give you a reason to want to fight," she explains.
"Viv?" I sign in confusion.
"Just, thank me later," she beams. "It's time for you to wake up now."
I see her vanish into thin air and then hear the constant and very annoying familiar beeping noise. I quickly feel pain on my left side as a low groan escapes my mouth, that's very dry by the way. I open my eyes to the bright lights in my room for a second before needing to squint and close then, the brightness too much to take in at the moment. When I do reopen my eyes, I see my parents hovering over me with smiles reaching from ear to ear. "Hi," I mumble.
Tears of joy are shed from my parents as I feel kisses on both cheeks and then hear my father shouting for Dr. Lindy. "Well, it's good to have you back Kimberly. How are you feeling?" Dr. Lindy questions me seconds later as he enters my room with a smile.
"I'm okay. My side hurts and I'm groggy, but I think I'll live," I reply half sarcastically, half happily.
"Indeed you will," Dr. Lindy nods approvingly. "I'm going to check your incision and vitals real quick, okay?"
"Okay," I murmur as he checks my monitors and then lifts up my gown to under the gauze.
"Things look good. You need to rest and try not to move too much. You should be out of here in a week or so," he states happily.
"Thank you," I praise, grateful for all his unwavering work. "And Dr. Lindy, would it be possible to meet my donor? I want to think them personally."
"I'll see what I can do. Both your surgeries were only a day and some go and you both need rest. Maybe before you get released, "he compromises.
I nod in understanding and watch him talk to my parents as this is a new beginning for me and a new beginning for us.
OoOoOoOo
It's been over a week since the surgeries and I'm feeling ten times better than before as my body has accepted the new kidney; though I'll still need to stay here for a few more days for more testing. And on the plus side of all of this is that I finally get to meet my donor today. I'm in normal clothes for the first time in a month and I can't help but feel butterflies in my stomach as Dr. Lindy should be here any moment. My parents are happier than ever, now that the stressful part is over and my aunt and uncle have been a great help in keeping them sane.
There is a gentle knock on the door and then Dr. Lindy walks in with a huge smile on his face. "Are you ready Kimberly?" he asks softly.
"Yeah, I'm ready," I nod as the door opens wider. The person walks in and my heart literally stops beating. "Jack?"
"Hey Kim," he smiles tenderly before walking over to me and sitting down on my bed.
We stare at each other for a few seconds before I start crying and am being brought into a hug; the feeling I've missed for such a long time. Jack lays us back down, still holding me tight as this feels like a dream. A very good dream at that. And, the one I've been wishing for.
"You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong
Can I lay by your side, next to you, you
And make sure you're alright
I'll take care of you
And I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight."
And so, there you go folks! Please R&R and let me know what you think!
Please, let's try for 400-405 before the next chapter that will be hopefully in a few days.
Thanks and until next time,
Missy xx