Chapter 36: I wish I could

At the time, Zairil had been sure she would be able to think of nothing save Enseir's proposal until she'd gotten her mind around it.

Now, she wished she could think, even of it.

But—

She let out a soft cry, and crumpled over, gripping one of the walls to remain on her feet, rather than on her knees.

Agrithan looked at her in shock, then sharply at Enseir, who nodded. Agrithan moved back, ordering a halt before the soldiers had come close enough to see her around the tunnel's curve.

"Zairil, love," Enseir murmured softly, still trying to straighten her. "What is it?"

She might have found his obvious concern—in the forms of fear and panic—rather amusing, if she could focus. "Don't you feel it?" she asked instead, clasping his arm so tightly as it banded around her middle that her fingers ached from the metal's solid resistance.

He frowned, before comprehension dawned. He shook his head. "I stopped attempting to when I first felt it," he answered.

She closed her eyes, nearly shaking. "I wish I could turn it off," she whispered, before the slight distraction of him wore off, leaving her buffeted by the darkness around her once more.

"Zairil! Recall yourself!"

The command was… well, commanding. She took another gasping breath and realized she'd been covering her ears, rocking slightly while hyperventilating. She tried to calm down, but… Eru, they were up against more than she'd felt before, even that time long ago that had sent the entire force into the forest, and the two younger princes to Legolas.

Enseir pulled the shaking elf against him, and not for the first time, regretted her blood. He'd long regretted the gifts it gave her, as it had drawn her into more danger than she would have dared, without those senses, and he'd regretted that she knew better than most what the danger truly was. First his regret had merely been because she was a good friend to Legolas, and she could lead him into danger as surely as she got him out of it. When he'd looked into her eyes and seen a soul he could claim, his regret had been for more selfish reasons than love for his brother.

He took a deep breath and kissed her temple, wishing for the first time to have Legolas there when he was otherwise alone with her. Though it rankled, stung and gnawed tenaciously at him as it had done now for millennia, Legolas was more deeply entwined with her than he was—Legolas could have brought her back with a few words, with a single command, a touch.

Wondering if he was, perhaps, exaggerating things a little in his concern for her, he tipped her chin up, and kissed her lightly. "Zairil, you must collect yourself. You fought for your place in the army, and you gained it. The soldiers behind you have seen you stand closely with two princes, have seen the amused favor bestowed upon you by Trali and my father. They have seen you sing in places of darkness, laugh in the midst of webs of evil. If they see you lose all hope, all faith, they will lose theirs, as well."

"It isn't that I don't have hope, or faith," she countered softly. "It is simply that I am terrified, Enseir. Utterly and completely terrified."

He smiled faintly. "You would not be alive if you weren't," he assured her. "But they look to you, as to me, as to Legolas and the captains and commanders, though you've never gained such a title. They look to you because we look to you for our light, our hope, our perspective. You cannot show them your fear, reasonable though it is. We fight for our home, for our people, for our kin. This darkness will spread if unchecked, and will leave no realm untouched." He stroked her cheek lightly, before sighing. "Shall I send for Legolas?"

She blinked. "Why?"

"To calm you as I—"

She placed a finger over his lips. "Already have." She took a deep breath and slowly straightened, looking around. "There is a fair cavern a short ways ahead and to the west. We could rest there more comfortably."

"Actually," Agrithan murmured, having come closer when her voice lifted above a whisper, "we may not have the time to stop longer than we have. Reports have come that say the army is moving move quickly."

"Has the other force been spotted?" she asked curiously.

"It comes from the north," Enseir agreed, lightly brushing her hair back. "Lead the way, Zairil."

"So we head to our position as quickly as possible?" she asked, frowning faintly.

"You have a different path?" Agrithan asked.

She nodded at the commander's question, and looked up curiously. "Shorter, and harder. It will require passing weapons in places, if the elf passing is much larger than I am."

Enseir and Agrithan looked at her objectively, then at each other. "Will we fit?" Enseir asked bluntly.

She smiled crookedly. "Angolar managed, without trouble."

"He was used to caves."

"Some might feel a bit pinched," she admitted. "But there is no question of being able, so much as one of being willing."

"They've come this far, and they know the stakes," Agrithan stated grimly. "They will go farther, no matter if they can march, or have to crawl."

She inclined her head shortly and turned off the fairly large tunnel they'd been following, climbing or sliding down clines with such ease and relaxed comfort in their environment that the males behind her felt silly with their own concerns, following while biting their tongues.

They reached their position at nightfall, and saw the fires of the approaching enemy burning at a rough day's march away.

An arrow clanked against the rocks above their heads, and Zairil rolled her eyes, darting out over the rocks in the darkness, not hearing the concerned hiss behind her. "Prince-ling?" she asked, as if it was common to be shot at.

"Are you alright?" he asked, having drawn away from the others, as well. He touched her cheek lightly, studying her eyes in the starlight.

"I… I've been better," she admitted with a shaky smile. "But we knew it was a great darkness."

"And Enseir is with you," he concluded.

She inclined her head. "That helps… as much as Angolar would."

Legolas grimaced, his hand moving to the back of her neck, stroking comfortingly. "But not as much as I could have."

She shrugged. "I haven't the history with him I have with you. The most dangerous thing he and I have done together was endure your wrath when you finally realized we weren't eating so you could, after Kithlan shot you, and then that of Silomir when she realized we'd been unable to leave you, even to fetch her, until we were so close to the halls."

He rolled his eyes and let out a short breath, studying her once more. "Will he be enough?"

"He'll have to be, won't he?" she countered softly. "We should return to our commanders, prince-ling. We have much to teach them, and the captains."

"I am a captain," he reminded her absently, still watching her eyes for any sign that she wasn't as well as she claimed. Her determination he believe her and the night defeated him, making him shake his head as he took his arrow from her loose grip. "Grace be with you," he mused at last, using the hand at her nape to draw her forward slightly to kiss her brow.

"And with you," she returned, lifting a hand from her heart to his cheek.

He kissed her wrist with a slight smile, and bowed his head, turning back to his post as she moved along to hers.