The days passed as they usually did and everything started falling into place perfectly for a while. After the Christmas season (with no wounded and orphans, oh, no, we were not in Korea anymore), we had two weeks of peace and quiet, only interrupted by the Pierce family visiting again. My second trimester even began peacefully enough, even though a false sense of security, but that was convivial. That was only interrupted by getting a cold at the end of January, leaving us feeling dizzy, disoriented and nauseous at the same time. I caught it from Shannon (managing to get soaking wet in the light snow we got, despite my efforts to get her in the bathtub quickly), eventually passing it onto me and Hawkeye. Daniel seemed to be the only person immune to it.
"It's because you've all been in Korea for that long," Daniel mentioned humorously, passing me and Hawkeye cups of tea each as we snuggled under a large blanket on the couch in the living room late one night, feeling the heat from the fireplace reach us safely.
"No, it was pretty cold in Korea," I replied, sneezing afterward.
"But it never really snowed," Hawkeye pointed out weakly.
"Oh, shush, it doesn't really snow here either." I nudged him, spilling some hot tea on his arm…accidentally enough.
About a week later, in early February, we all were on our feet again, although still sniffling and coughing lightly and going back to work. Even Shannon was scampering around the house, her nose running and begging me to play hide-and-seek with her (a game she and Erin played on Christmas). I could hardly hide, but played with her anyway, knowing that it made my eldest baby feel happy. Then, she would babble and giggle, asking me when her baby brother or sister was going to be born. She wasn't quite patient yet (I guessed that not all toddlers were), but humorously thought that her new sibling would be able to play with her.
"Not for a little while, sweetie," I replied, feeling the baby move in summersaults. By then, I started to tackle the dishes in the kitchen after exhaustingly fooling around with her. "He or she won't be here until summer, when it gets hot again and there's no more snow on the ground."
"Oh," Shannon answered with disappointment. Suddenly, she jumped and then clung onto my leg when the doorbell rang. Something was bothering her, so badly that she wouldn't get off of me.
I sighed, frustrated as the soap dripped from my hands. Who could it be this time?
Jesus, it was eight-thirty in the morning. Most people who wanted to schedule appointments with Daniel and/or Hawkeye came on or after ten at my request, a note at the door explaining everything. I had a routine in the morning and I didn't like it interrupted. I would get up at six to make breakfast for everybody and start doing things at seven-thirty when Hawkeye and Daniel left for work. It was the whole housewife thing coming out in me. I felt like I didn't need to be watched all the time, especially from a small town that liked its drama to be juicy and served on a silver platter. I had a job to do and people disturbing it was now a pet peeve.
I thought about ignoring the person pestering us, but the doorbell urgently rang again. The next irritating buzz was long and drawn-out, telling me that this was some sort of emergency. I had to answer the door this time and I couldn't pretend that I wasn't home.
And it had better be an emergency or less I'm going to explode and let them know about it. I don't even care who it is anymore. Mrs. What's-It and her children can wait another hour and a half for service, even if one of them is throwing up on the porch. Mr. Who's-It can drive to the hospital if he's in that much pain. I may be a nurse, but I'm not too sympathetic when it comes to people not listening to me.
"I'm coming!" I called loudly, finally shaking Shannon off of my leg. My daughter jumped off as I toweled off my wet hands, kindly taking my apron and putting over her little kitchen chair after I threw it in frustration on the floor.
The doorbell rang a third time when I did not arrive in time. The person was annoyed to be out in the cold and knew that somebody was home and behind the other side of the door. I knew it well. I had to hurry up before I got the last kind of doorbell ring, the one that was rude and without common courtesy, screaming about being left outside in the damp weather too long.
"I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming!" I yelled repeatedly, running the living room obstacle course full of papers, toys, briefcases and even books to get to the door. Shannon was right behind me again, trying to keep up and catch my leg as I ran to the door, straightening out my hair and bracing myself for the cold to linger inside for a moment.
As I opened the door, my daughter latched onto my leg again. The person on the other side was someone I did not expect to see. I was visibly shocked to see who was behind it.
"Jeanette, please let me in." Daddy practically shoved me and Shannon aside with his hands, his coat blowing thick slush outside thankfully.
I closed the door quickly, cold air making icicles stick onto my hair by their sheer touch, and watched as my father took his coat off, laying it on the couch nearest the fireplace. I didn't know what to say at that point. My father coming here was out of place.
"Sir –" I began as I stared at him, wondering what he was doing, coming to visit me in Crabapple Cove.
"Jeanette, I'm here on family business, not a personal social visit," Daddy interrupted, looking down at Shannon on my leg, barely seeing her. "This must be my granddaughter."
"Yes, this is Shannon Cora Pierce," I replied stiffly, becoming nervous again.
Shannon herself was whimpering with fright, knowing her other grandfather within seconds without an introduction. Not clinging onto me anymore, she decided to hide behind my enlarging body instead, grabbing onto the bottom of my sweater for support. I almost fell over from the lack of balance and caught myself in time.
"With another on the way," Daddy announced with some amazement, his grey eyes becoming harder afterward when sentiment decided to hide. "My, you get along quickly with your new life, Daughter. But now is not the time to ponder upon these things. I came here to tell you some hard news."
"Unexpectedly, I might add." I was livid. I expected my father to come, but not at this time.
Daddy was cutting to the chase this time. "Jeanette, brace yourself, because this is bad news. I was just in Bloomington and have heard that your mother died only three days ago. I came here as fast so that I could to tell you since the phone was not reliable. You were assigned to be in charge of the estate and –"
It seemed that the breath was taken out of me, I was so upset. "No, she can't be!"
Everyone always said that denial is one of the first stages of grief. Mom's had too many attempts at taking her life, too many times where she tried to die and failed miserably. She would be laughing nervously about it, noose marks, water or pillow feathers the only evidence of her misdeeds, saying that God spared her for another day, and lived again.
No, my mother could not be dead yet! No, she's not dead yet. She can't be! No…
Daddy came up to me, putting his large hands on my shoulders as if to steady me from this latest blow and to give me strength when I could not find any, not even within his being around. "Jeanette, your mother has been sick for the longest time. She hid behind religion and another man for sanity, but her own depression took over. Her mind has never been the same since Clarence and Dean died. She started running away for periods of time, people talked. She went to church and hid there for days, months even, without nourishment. She tried killing herself numerous times when you were in Korea and even tried in a church."
"No, she can't be…" I felt myself start to sway, my eye blurring and everything spinning out of control. Shannon let go of my sweater and ran out from behind me. Where she went to, I could not see.
"She hasn't known reason for the longest time," Daddy continued as he held me up, seeing me rock. "She loved and hated and blamed. She was not to blame for everything. She could have been a good woman if medical science had known what was wrong with her and if they could have figured it out. Do you want to know what she died of, Jeanette?"
"Did she kill herself?" I whispered, a hush in the wind. It was to keep my daughter away from the truth and to keep stalling in telling her about life and death and its cycles.
"The priest doesn't know. He thought that, with Rebeccah on her knees for hours praying and refusing nourishment, she died of malnutrition and lack of human care. She said nothing, but of her woes and miseries in her prayers and only God knows those now." Daddy paused, looking at the shocked look on my face. "She died three days ago, Jeanette. Come on now. Stand up and be a woman. Be strong for your family. You're in charge of her estate, as well as Dean's and Clarence's, since she did not take care of that."
"Oh, God." I numbed, paled and fainted, only aware that I did not hit the floor.
~00~
There was an argument of course. One side said that I could not go to Bloomington in my frail condition. However, I was the only person who could legally deal with the lawyers and disperse of my mother's estate as well as Dean's. Clarence's family had nothing to do with him in the past because of his behavior, but took care of his things mostly in order to ease the way for me and to make life easier in the process. Mom was supposed to do all of those things, but sadly finding out that she didn't lift a finger (especially in her mental state) left everything to me, Daddy (who I asked for help since he's done it before) and the Lowes family.
Hawkeye and Daniel argued against it as Daddy told them the news upon their arrival home. Hell, the two rushed back to the house when Shannon (smart as a whip, I told people, and they never believed me) took the phone and called the clinic, asking for her Daddy and Grandpa. Seeing me passed out sealed their decision. First off, they both said, I could not travel to Illinois with just my father in tow, especially pregnant (and a hard pregnancy at that). Second off, Shannon was a little too young to be attending a funeral. Who was going to watch her and keep the house intact? Daniel may have done it for a while, but Hawkeye was not keen on letting his own father doing it again.
"Ben, I could do it," Daniel protested, always using Hawkeye's first name when he was serious and wanted his undivided attention. "I'm not that old to be considered nursing home material yet."
Hawkeye was unused to his first name being used and I saw the rage pass through his face, more so because he was so helpless. I knew that, in this case, Daniel needed Hawkeye to be calm and to see things with a rational mind. However, as always, Hawkeye's anger towards a lot of things went sideways, so everything out of his mouth was backwards and as out of control as the situation was itself.
"But I don't want Jeanie even going," Hawkeye sharply replied, now ignoring that Daniel used his first name.
"Hey, I'm over here!" I interrupted, lying on the couch comfortably with my feet elevated on a pillowed chair. "You don't have to talk over my head like that. I can speak for myself."
"Well, we have to think of something quickly," Daddy added in. "Rebeccah's estate is supposed to be handled by the person mentioned in her will – Jeanette – since her brother and husband are dead. She has to go with me."
"And speaking not only as her husband, but as her doctor as well, I don't think she can handle it physically. Her brothers can do the honors without her." Hawkeye crossed his arms, stubborn that I would not go back to Bloomington this time.
Daddy sighed. "Pierce, if you let Jeanette go, will you at least be satisfied to come along, to make sure she doesn't hurt herself or make sure that something doesn't happen to go wrong with her and the baby?"
Daniel stiffened, his stoic and civil demeanor gone, showing his obvious discomfort in front of my father for the first time. "Ben…Hawkeye…he might be right in this one," he said slowly.
"I'll go then!" Hawkeye threw his arms up in the air and paced the room, ranting again. "Sure, I'll go, General Heartless, and make sure you don't happen to create an 'accident' for your own daughter. Sure, I'll go. I'll make sure that she doesn't lose yet another child to stress, fatigue and the sorry ass situations you all put her in!"
I only shook my head and sighed, hearing Shannon cry upstairs. Hawkeye (and probably the rest of us) seemed to have interrupted her nap. As Daniel heard this and went upstairs to investigate the noise, I thought that I won this round, this time for closure and to ensure that the last piece of Bloomington stayed behind me.
But to what extent?
The next thought came unbidden as if to tell me to venture further into the situation. Hell, I may have won this time, to go back to Bloomington to finish up business, but how could I have won when this trip back to my hometown, already causing me so much grief to begin with, will make everything worse? How can I find closure in a place where I knew misery, grief and even sickness and death?
Nothing could be worse than war though. You know that. The thoughts made me shiver.