Stay with Me

Good Drugs

The side effects of the chemotherapy started to hit Casey the day after he'd started the penultimate cycle. He'd spent most the morning throwing up, having spent the early hours of the day wide awake unable to sleep because of the waves of nausea that assaulted him. He couldn't get comfortable, no matter what position on the bed or chair, even the floor at one point. Time went too slowly, unable to rest, unable to feel comfortable. A nurse came in at regular intervals but there was little the man could do. Severide could do even less when he arrived, but the company was appreciated, even as he sat on the tiled floor in the bathroom, gripping the toilet, tasting the acrid flavour of vomit in his mouth, heaving bodily and choking on bile.

"How about another game of chess?" Severide suggested, looking over at the set he'd tidied away earlier on. It was getting late in the afternoon now. Casey had managed to get a couple of hours sleep once the vomiting had subsided. He'd woken feeling marginally better and had accepted Severide's offer of a game of chess, after rinsing his mouth out again and freshening up with one of the cleansing wipes Shay had provided.

Casey shook his head at the idea now though, he'd struggled too much with the game of chess, still feeling nauseous, and his mind wondering, unable to focus on the task at hand, unable to predict Severide's next moves, but he could tell that Severide was taking it easy. He still lost though, he didn't mind losing, but it really showed how much he was struggling right now.

"Cards? We could do something simple, go fish?" Severide suggested, tone hopeful.

He shook his head again and smile softly. "You don't need to keep me entertained."

"It's keeping me entertained too," Severide responded, he'd already grabbed the tatty pack of cards, sliding them out so he could shuffle them.

Casey just watched him for a moment, preoccupied by the movements of his hands. "You're trying to distract me," he said, already realising his brain was doing a pretty damn good job at that anyway, but Severide had an aim with his distraction.

"Maybe..." Severide replied with a small movement that resembled a shrug, giving up with the cards. "It's just everything's happened so quickly and now things are slowing down and you're..."

"Gonna have time to think," he finished succinctly.

"Yeah."

Casey reached out for his hand and held it. "Kelly, you can't stop that from happening, you don't have to."

"I can try though, can't I?" Severide said, that soft smile Casey loved so much gracing his face.

"You're a very stubborn man." He chuckled. "You know, a lot of people think you're a jerk, think you jump to conclusions," he added.

"A lot of people, and you?"

"I think you wear your heart on you sleeve, you care a lot," Casey responded.

"You care too much," Severide retorted.

"No, sometimes I don't care at all."

"I don't believe that," Severide replied, shaking his head.

"I just switch off, go through the motions," he explained. "I don't want to care too much."

"Who hurt you?" Severide asked with a short huff of laughter, trying to keep the conversation light.

"What?"

"I always thought it was your dad, but you visit his grave every year, you love him," Severide continued.

"I do love my dad. Loved."

"So, who hurt you?" Severide repeated.

"Why do you think someone hurt me?" he replied, eye brow raised.

"You said it yourself, you're a mess," Severide responded with a smile.

"I am… but not because of one specific thing," he said. "And, please try not to worry too much about me coping with my mom's death…"

"You broke your wrist," Severide stated gently.

"Not all down to my mom's death. Really, Kelly, I am fine. It wasn't my fault, I couldn't have done anything differently, it is what it is."

"I want to believe you're fine," Severide told him.

"Well, believe me!" he responded, voice raised. "Sorry…" he added quietly, shaking his head.

"No, I should stop going on about it," Severide replied.

Casey let out a long breath, closing his eyes momentarily, almost like he was bracing himself.

"All right?" Severide asked.

He nodded a little, forcing a smile. "Just one of those many waves of nausea."

Severide moved to grab the emesis basin.

"Not gonna throw up, not eaten anything all day, and pretty sure there's nothing else left to vomit anymore…" he listed off, he didn't explain to Severide that the gagging sensation he usually suffered with before throwing up hadn't occurred, nor had acidic bile travelled up into his mouth. He'd spare him the details.

"You've not eaten?" Severide asked, surprised and concerned.

"Please don't start," he said, sinking back into the bed and closing his eyes, shutting out the world. His mood, and his ability to cover up how he was really feeling. was rapidly declining and he didn't want to say anything he would regret.

Severide sat back in the chair and ran a hand over his face, taking in a breath to compose himself.

After a while he spoke up. "I'm back at work tomorrow," he told Casey.

Casey peeled his eyes open. "You'll be careful?" he asked quietly.

"Of course, always am," Severide responded.

"I don't want you to get hurt," he said simply. "Not because of me," he continued.

"Because of you? What do you mean?"

"Nothing…"

"Must be something," Severide said.

"Why do you think I'm sick?" he asked, voice cracking.

"You just… are," Severide responded, unsure where Casey was going.

"What if it's because… because of who I am," he explained slowly.

"Matt, I don't understand…"

"Because I'm gay," he stated, his stomach churning.

Casey's thought process suddenly dawned on Severide. "And you think God is punishing you?"

"What if you get hurt because you like me?" he responded, trying not to gag now.

"Oh, Matt… logically we know that's not how it works, and it's the twenty-first century, and even way back, there's always been gay people. It is normal, no matter what a small fraction of people think," Severide responded in an attempt to reassure him, although he wasn't sure he'd be able to, it seemed like something Casey had thought about before.

"I know, I know, and I spoke to the Chaplain, I did, and I felt better, but I get these thoughts stuck in my head, and I'm just… I'm scared you're going to get hurt," he said, swallowing hard, blinking rapidly and trying to grab the emesis basin as quick as he could. Unable to stop himself any longer he heaved into the basin, gripping it weakly until Severide took hold of it for him. His stomach lurched violently, paining his whole abdomen, pale watery liquid landed into the basin and drooled down his chin. Severide wiped it away immediately.

"Try and take a breath for me, baby… you're shaking?"

Casey's eyes scrunched together as he fought against the tears that had been threatening to fall since he'd starting throwing up again.

"Matt, take another breath for me," Severide instructed, gripping Casey's arm.

"Make it stop…"

"It will stop, I promise, Matt, it will stop… take some deep breaths…" he said, and deciding he wasn't going to wait any longer, he hit the nurses call button.

It was Catalina who soon entered the room, seeing Severide holding onto Casey who was trembling and gripping his own stomach. She rushed over and leant down so she could face him. "Hey, Matt, can you talk to me?"

She was only met with silence.

"Matt, what's my name, honey?"

He didn't respond. She paged for his doctor, wanting to be able to give him some stronger medication because the nausea wasn't letting up.

"Make it stop," Casey repeated, groaning. Both his hands coming up to his central line, wanting to pull the damn thing out. He was stopped though.

Severide had taken his hands, preventing him from pulling at the central line. The doctor had arrived, much to Severide's relief, he still kept a gentle hold of Casey's hands as the man spoke to Catalina and examined him. They took some blood to send off for testing in case he'd caught an infection, but the doctor was sure his agony was caused by the never-ending nausea.

Casey was barely aware of anything, he'd stopped moving now, the room spinning around him, his head throbbing, and his whole abdomen aching, he felt like he was going throw up again and then just never stop, his stomach twisted and turned, his throat gagging unconsciously.

Catalina's face flittered into his blurry vision, her voice pierced his skull despite her soft tone. "Matt, the doctor is gonna give you some more medication for the nausea, it's probably gonna make you feel pretty out of it, but don't worry, it should help, all right?" She looked to Severide. "We're giving him some Ativan, it should help pretty quickly."

The medication did help, they had to attach Casey to some monitoring equipment because of the risks with the dosage they gave him, but as Casey's face relaxed, so did Severide. "Better, Matty?" he asked, holding his hand.

Casey's eyes flickered open. "Did you call me baby?"

"Oh, maybe, sorry…"

"S'ok…"

"How are you doing?" Severide asked him.

"Good stuff," he murmured, eyes rolling towards Severide, a small smile playing on his lips.

"You're not feeling sick anymore?"

"Fading," he responded. "Why… why'd I not get this… before?"

"Because you're pretty out of it now… I think they prefer to keep you awake," Severide told him.

"M'wake…"

"Yeah?" Severide responded, head cocked to the side questioningly.

"Mmm… half…"

Catalina stepped back into the room after a discussion with the doctor, who'd expressed his concerns about Casey's weight again, if it dropped much more the NG tube would be back, Catalina thought it would be for the best even if his weight didn't drop, letting the doctor know how little he was eating at the moment.

"It's worked," Severide told her as she came over, checking the monitors. "All good?"

She nodded. "Yeah, everything looks good."

"How long will it last?"

"It'll last a while," she answered.

"Good… I couldn't do anything to help him…"

"Being here is helping," she told him.

"I can't stop him from feeling sick… and that was… it was horrendous, I didn't know you could be that nauseous, it was worse than when his stomach hurt him last time… will it happen again?" he asked her, already worried.

"It might do. The chemo is really taking its toll on his body now," she responded.

"He gets weaker, gets worse each time, takes him longer to bounce back…"

"It's intensive, but it's working," she said.

"Yeah, there's that," he said, smiling. After a moment, he spoke again, looking down at Casey as he dozed. "I'm not here tomorrow, supposed to be going back to work, I could delay it again…"

"Go to work, it'll be good for you, and if anything happens I can call you," she told him.

"Thank you, and thank you for looking after him," Severide responded sincerely.

"It's my job," she said simply.

"Yeah… I say that all the time, people always thank us, but I get it," he replied with a nod.

She nodded. "If you want a coffee break, I'll be sitting with him for now."

"Yeah, could do with another coffee," he said, standing up. He took Casey's hand. "I'll be back soon, Matt."

Casey spent most of his time dozing comfortably, and Severide had felt happy enough to leave him when visiting hours ended, not that he did a very good job at sticking to them anyway. In the morning he went off to the firehouse, dropping Casey a message before he left his apartment. Casey woke up blearily when he heard his phone ping, but he quickly fell back to sleep. Severide hadn't expected him to reply.

"What day is it?" Casey mumbled when Catalina woke him at the start of her shift.

"It's Wednesday, Matt, January 1st," she told him.

"What a way to start the year," he groaned.

"How are you feeling?"

He shook his head as he responded. "Just tired."

"That's better than yesterday. I was told you slept through the night too, but you've not eaten anything," she responded.

"Not hungry," he said.

"Worried you're going to throw up if you eat?" she asked him.

"Too tired."

"You'd have more energy if you ate," she replied sympathetically.

"Don't want more energy, just wanna sleep." He let his eyes close.

"If you don't eat anything today, the NG tube will be back," she warned him.

"I don't care," he responded, not bothering to open his eyes again.

Catalina cleared her throat. "Have you spoken to Kelly this morning?"

"Not yet."

"Wanna call him?" she asked suggestively.

He opened his eyes, annoyed he was still being spoken to. "Nothing to say."

"Don't think he'd agree with that," she responded, offering him a small smile.

"Don't pretend you know us," he snapped.

Catalina said nothing more, she knew nothing she could say or do would help his mood right now, so she silently finished her checks before leaving him alone again.

It wasn't until the afternoon that Casey began to seem more like his usual self, he'd spent most the day sleeping, but he had spoken to Severide, which had improved his mood immensely. It had been nice to just lie in the hospital bed, listening to Severide talking, hearing his voice and his laughter as he told him all about the latest project Otis and Cruz had got themselves into.

The NG tube was back now, and he told Severide, knowing he'd see it tomorrow anyway. Severide just treated it like any other normal conversation though, he didn't make a big deal of it. Their mostly one-sided conversation was cut short when the alarms rang out at the firehouse though.

"I'm sorry about earlier… this morning, sorry," Casey told Catalina when she entered the room, not long after hanging up the phone call from Severide.

"I've been at worse ends of bad moods, don't worry," she said as she disconnected the NG tube from the feeding pump.

"Really, I am, I'm sorry," he spoke again.

"I know, Matt," she said, nodding.

Casey was barely awake but he smiled when Shay and Severide arrived, he'd missed their company yesterday in his short waking hours. But he was glad that Severide had been back to work despite his worries, he'd taken a lot of time off whilst Casey had been home from the hospital, and he knew he wouldn't have been good company with the mood he had been in yesterday.

"Picked something up for you in the New Year's Sale this morning," Shay announced, already pulling the item out of the large shopping bag she was carrying.

Severide smiled at her enthusiasm, moving past her to lean over and give Casey a kiss on his forehead through the surgical mask he wore, he gave his forearm a quick and comforting squeeze before taking a seat by his side.

"It's fleeced lined," Shay explained as she pulled out the large grey throw, unravelling it so Casey could see the natural coloured fleece lining underneath.

"What am I gonna do with all these throws when all this is over?" he asked tiredly, not able to make much more of an effort than look wearily at her purchase as she removed the one that was currently covering his body.

"We all know you like them, Matt," Severide spoke up.

Shay was busy tucking him into the new blanket, he didn't have the strength to touch the fleece lining but he could feel it on the back of his hands now. "Don't get me too comfortable I'm gonna need to move soon," Casey told her, closing his eyes.

"Bathroom?" Severide asked.

Casey nodded then felt Severide running a hand over his forehead.

"Headache?" Severide half stated since Casey's eyes hadn't reopened.

"Well, you're here now, aren't you?" Casey responded humorously.

"Haha…" He smiled. "You want some painkillers?"

"They erm… they gave me some more Ativan, I think, this morning, well, like, middle of the night kinda morning," Casey told him.

"Got bad again?"

"Think I got it so no one has to hear me moaning… but, yeah, don't really want more drugs, well, I do, but I don't," Casey said, giving a small shrug as he opened his eyes for a brief moment.

"Can't imagine you moaning with no good cause," Severide responded.

"Had enough of it all now," he murmured.

Severide and Shay shared a worried glance at each other.

Casey forced his eyes open again. "Sorry."

Shay smiled at him, shaking her head. "Would you like us to go?"

"No, and yes…"

"How about some fresh air? You're allowed out of here?"

"I am but, don't wanna go outside, sorry," he answered. He pushed himself up in the bed and rubbed his eyes, letting out a long breath. "Sorry…" he groaned out, sighing again and closing his eyes.

Severide moved closer and silently took his hand. He waited for Casey to squeeze his own back, and he did, then he opened his eyes again and gave him a smile.

"This sucks," Casey said.

Shay nodded in agreement as she sat down at the end of the hospital bed. "Big time."

"Sucks less with you guys," Casey admitted before letting his eyes close once more.

TBC