(Dez)
Staring at him I know I won't hurt him. I know, I won't do anything to myself, either. Still. How would you feel? How…how would you cope, with seeing the person you love most, falling deep into the snares of everything that he once hated? I realize now, how truly deep-set the brainwashing is. How, Charon will listen, and obey, to really anyone in higher position than anyone else. It all became clear, I guess. A theory I made up. Andrew is a better person, higher up one the scale of control. Charon, because of his past and obedience, will listen. Even if…this has never happened before, the circumstances are different. He's in his past, now. He's unreachable to me.
Maybe, it's because coming back here sparked something. The Charon I once knew, is not the Charon that stands before me. This is the Charon I had just met, in Underworld with the mind of a lost kid. That is the Charon, who stands before me. Not the one who loved me. Not the one, who I thought was so true and real, no. I don't know, if that Charon will ever be brought back. Not now, I don't think. Coming back here was a mistake. We could have lived happily, but then again, who am I kidding? Andrew said it himself. He was following us. From the creeper at the shack in the middle of nowhere, to Three Dog who probably doesn't have any real involvement, just the middle man, to the guy in Underworld after starting the Purifier. It all makes sense. That girl I ran into in the middle of the Wastes, who ran once she discovered my name, all of them…reporting back here. All of them, a pawn in the Lyons' great plan.
I can't let them, do what they want to do. I'll die, before I fight Charon and before I lose everything. Sure it sounds great, believe me I toyed with the idea, too. But it can never happen. It's been three-hundred years. If the world wanted to be fixed it would have fixed itself. It would have, I don't know, let the Brotherhood succeed in everything. But it didn't. It didn't and that's the way it's supposed to be. Don't ask me how I know this, I just do. I just, don't feel right, letting these kinds of people come into the Capital Wasteland, the country, and take it all for themselves. Charon told me, they killed people. They killed children, girls, and boys. How can people who can carelessly do that, be nice? Then again…I've done horrible things, too.
But it's not the same. My bad things, and theirs, are monumentally different. It won't work, I know it won't. This whole thing, was just cooked up so that they could get their prime candidate back. For all I know, they don't even want the shit-land that's up there, they just said all that to give Charon a reason to stay and not blow this place to holy hell. All I wanted, was to have my Charon back. I didn't want this. I didn't want to sit here, feeling this way, knowing that losing him is such a high possibility it might kill me. I just wanted, to have a kid, and have sex, and be happy with him like things were. Was that, after all I've done, too much to ask?
"Dezbe, I will ask again, please, talk to me."
If I listen to him, then…then what? I'll give in and he'll keep me here like a pet? No, I know better. People like the Lyons don't keep promises. Once they have Charon's trust, they'll kill me. They'll lie to him, tell him I did something worth dying over or that I killed myself. It'll work too. They've been watching the both of us, and they know me. My personality, everything. They know his, too. But…wait. Wait. They know him. They know him, as the Charon who they trained. In that mindset. Goddamnit Dezbe! You're a genius.
"I have to use the bathroom."
I tell Charon. Jumping up, I run to the bathroom and lock the door. Running the warm water, I splash it on my face, as I begin to make a plan that isn't so half-assed. Andrew said himself, they lost track of Charon and I for some time. I'm going to say, since no strange incidents or Three Dog reports came while we lived together for three years, that for the past eight, they have had no idea of what's been going on. Meaning, that they weren't there for it. They didn't see, that Charon completely transformed into the being as I remember him. That in those three years, Charon was more different and more independent of his own mind, than they'd ever imagine. The strings are still there, they've always been there even during that time, but for a while, they were cut. They were cut and hanged and nothing could have gotten him. His blackouts, they have no idea about them. That was just luck. Being pulled back here was nothing other than the guilt brought on with the realization of emotions. I have a small chance at this. A very small, pinhole chance, but if I can do it, if I can get Charon back on my side and get him to help us escape…then…happiness doesn't seem too far off.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I take a deep breath in. My eyes are red from crying, and my face is slightly poofed, but it's alright. There's no light in here, Charon won't see my face very well. Exhaling, I grip the edges of the sink, debating my master plan. If it works, in short we win. At least, for now. I win, and he wins. Later on will be planned as the night goes on. But, if it doesn't work…I can kiss this tight ass of mine goodbye and so long. It's a last-ditch effort, as most of my plans are, but I'm banking on some well-deserved good luck. After all this time, the universe needs to cut me a break. Mustering up my strength, I try to pretend. Pretend, that out there, is the Charon I knew and loved, waiting for me. Not, this person who just wears his body.
Opening the door, I lean against it. Charon stares at me, wondering what comes next. Yeah, me too.
"I'm sorry I flipped earlier."
I tell him, tossing my hair with an air of bitchiness. He raises an eyebrow at me, but shows no other emotion. In his eyes, I can see through to the real him. He's in there, just begging to come out.
"Do you understand now, how unjustifiable it was?"
He asks me as I fold my arms over my chest. Smirking at him, I turn my head.
"I understand a lot of things, Charon."
"What?"
"You heard me. I've thought about it for some time. After all, I had five years of thinking and nothing more. Not even sex. Do you know how badly I've wanted it?"
I catch his gaze in the darkness. His eyes narrow, as I tread on dangerous waters. Pushing off the wall, I start to pace around the room slowly, adding drama to my words with actions.
"All those men, Charon. Each one, wanting to know me, talk to me…and touch me if nothing else. But, I said no to them. Each and every one. Closed my door and never opened it to them again."
"What are you saying?"
Looking him dead in the eyes, I put on a most serious of face. Of course, I pat myself mentally on the back, too. If you could just see the look upon his face. Casted in shadows, Charon looks positively prime evil.
"That I was stupid."
"Excuse me?"
"I mean, what was I waiting for back then, anyways? Obviously you've lost all common sense. If I had known then what I know now, like with all things, I would have picked one for my taking and left it at that. Never mind practicing celibacy. Or is it abstinence?"
I stand near the entrance door, supporting myself with my shoulders I lean back against the wall and push out the rest of my body. You know, years ago this stance was a lot easier to maintain. Maybe I'm just getting old, though.
"Are you saying, that you would have rather slept with those men, than waited for my return?"
"Charon I thought you were dead, remember? There was no inkling of hope of you ever returning to me. But then again, knowing who you've become, I wouldn't have hoped either way."
"You are just angry. You do not know what you are saying."
"No, Charon, I know perfectly well what I'm saying. What woman would want to come home to a man so easily manipulated as you?"
Charon advances towards me and I stand up straight. Using sexuality to get to him is just part one of my plan. Part two, well, that's in the works. I'm picking it up as I go.
"I am in full control of my self and my body. Do not assume that since I did not agree with your standpoint, that I am being manipulated."
"I'm not assuming anything, Charon. You're the one jumping to conclusions."
Pushing past him I stand in the middle of the room and light a cigarette.
"After all I mean, what say do I have in any of this? Even if I see it in an entirely different light."
"And what light may that be?"
Exhaling a plume of smoke, I stare at the metallic ceiling. It looks exactly like the ceilings in Vault 101 did, and all the other vaults known to man. And some unknown ones, too.
"Andrew said he kept you alive. That from the second you excelled, they planned this entire thing. You know, selling you to John, getting into the vault, surviving the war and ultimately coming here. Keeping tabs on us wasn't such a hard thing to do, and it was smart. But, to me, it just sounds like you're a tool."
"What?"
"You know, a wrench. Something they need to finish their 'master plan'. Without you, this plan wouldn't work since you and only you know the kinks in their training. The prototype before the final project. So, what happens when someone better comes along? You're discarded, that's what happens. For now you're of slight importance, but when they get bored, they'll cut the proverbial umbilical cord and say goodbye to Charon. It's in their plan, after all."
"How do you know this is their plan? You do not even know of the people you speak of."
"I don't. I'm just gathering data and piecing together missing information by educated guesses."
We stare at one another as I smoke my cigarette. This is called a stalemate. Usually it happens when Charon has nothing to say in his defense and I can't think of anything witty enough to keep going. So, I improvise. Seems to be something I'm good at.
"…You know, Charon, we've done a lot together. Devoted ourselves to each other, and watched the world light up and die again. I said once, you'd always be my superhero, and I meant it. But, looking at you now, I don't think that's true anymore."
"You were young and foolish."
"But it never mattered what happened between the beginning and the end, only that in the end, we had each other. Am I wrong?"
"No."
"So what about this? In the end, we won't even be friends. Enemies by name, and I'll be your faithful prisoner in this stupid place. That is, if they don't kill me. So…was it all a lie?"
Charon moves, but I'm not really watching as I flick some ash away from my vault suit.
"Was what all a lie?"
"Our lives together, Charon."
He has no answer. But a long time ago, I promised no matter what I'd stand by him. That I'd be holding his hand, and keep him by my side somehow. I'm selfish, but that's one promise I've done almost everything to keep.
"Then I should have gone with those men. I should never, have felt regret over hurting you, if this is the man you've become."
"I have always been this man."
"No, you haven't. Actually I take that back. You're not a man to me anymore, Charon. You're just a stupid puppet. A real man…a man who loved me, would get me to safety. He would protect me from this place and their people, and make sure his lover, and their friends, were safe."
"That is exactly what I am doing if I cooperate. I will make sure no harm comes to anyone you wish to save."
"And what makes you think they'll listen?"
"I simply know."
"No, Charon. You'll tell them and they'll put it on some paper and get what they want from you. Then, when all is said and done, they'll kill you and forget about anyone else. You're not as important to them as you think. Maybe you are, actually, but not in the way you're wanting to believe."
"Stop it."
"No, because you need to hear things as they are."
"I know how things are."
"No, you don't Charon! You're so stupid!"
Not another word is said, as I feel the hard blow of Charon's fist connecting with my cheek. Losing balance, I fall to the ground, my cigarette rolling across the floor. For a minute, I can't register what happened. Then, I see the floor against my nose, and feel it touching my face. Where Charon hit me, starts to throb in pain. I don't move. I have to soak this up. This wasn't part of my plan. I hold back tears of pain, and anger. I can't lose my temper, like I have so many times before. For once, I have to be the damsel in distress. The wounded woman. I have to play coy and naïve. Remaining on the floor, I look up at Charon through strands of hair. He stares down at me, showing no emotion, no remorse.
"Do not make me do that again."
Who is he? Who is this person in front of me? The Charon I knew and loved, never raised a hand to me like this. Of course we fought, and we fought hard, but I always had to do something first. In the three years we lived together, no matter how I acted or how heated things became, Charon never laid a finger on me.
Slowly standing, I put a hand over my throbbing cheek. Charon stares me in the eyes, and I show him in mine, I won't back down.
"Any man, is better, than the excuse for one standing in front of me."
"Then why did you not take them?"
"Because I was hell-bent on believing the person I loved was worth my sacrifice. I was wrong. I should have fucked every single one of them, and then laughed in Zack's face when he told me you didn't die. I should have laughed so loud, miles away, you would have heard it."
"Whatever memories you have of us, cherish them. They are all that is left of the person I once was. Of the fool I became."
"Those memories aren't worth my time anymore, after knowing this is what you've become."
Picking up my cigarette, I stick it back in my mouth. The smoke in my lungs helps clear the fog in my head. With each subtle move I make, I can feel Charon's eyes burning into me. I haven't lost yet, though. I still have tricks up these olds sleeves of mine. Sitting on the bed, I cross my legs and glare up at him. He won't win. I won't let them take Charon from me. Only I can make Charon go away, and that's something I intend to keep.
"It's not like you satisfied me anyways."
I say to him, nonchalant. I make it sound like I've stopped caring.
"Are you referring to sex? Because if so, I remember you distinctly enjoying it."
"You have a lot to learn about women. Here, I'll teach you. Lesson one: we're really good at faking it."
"Those sounds do not come from lies."
To prove him wrong, I emit the same sounds as I stare right into his eyes. Truth be told he's right. I did enjoy it and he satisfied me to the point of no comparison. Letting him know that right now though isn't a god idea. Then my entire plan is shot to shit. Though, it's already gone from bad to worse. Stopping the sounds, I look at him. Oh, such a priceless face!
"See? Told you."
Then Charon does the opposite of what I thought he was going to do. Instead of giving a snide remark, or brushing it all off, he sits down. He takes the cigarette from my hand as he stares up at me from the floor, and in his eyes…the Charon I once knew shines through. He's silent for a bit, as he finishes the cigarette I started. Even though I want to look away, I can't. I can't help but stare at him.
"…Was I truly that blind, back then? Did I not see such obvious things?"
It's hard for me not to tell him the truth right now, but it's for his own good. Even if it hurts him, I have to keep up this charade.
"You were blind to a lot of things."
"I truly fell short."
"For the most part. I mean, what kind of man can't give his woman a proper fuck? Even more, what kind of man hits his woman the way you just hit me?"
His eyes glisten in the dark. Not with tears, but with emotion. He doesn't show any on his face, but hey, the eyes have to be used for something other than seeing.
"Perhaps, you are right. In the end, I was nothing more than a tool for my facility to use. Then, if that is so, I have no choice but to work with them."
"Why say that?"
"Because if what you say is true, then I am of no purpose to anyone but them."
"It doesn't have to be that way. You can change it, just like you changed yourself from the start."
Charon looks up at me, his eyes pleading.
"How?"
Getting off of the bed, I kneel on the floor with him. I don't touch him, but I look at him. This time, I show him compassion.
"By trusting me, as I trust you."
"Yet I hurt you."
"We all make mistakes."
For a minute it seems like he's really going to listen. Then without warning he stands up, and the air around him changes.
"No. No I have a purpose here. It is your choice to cherish the memoires we made or not. In the end, it is your choice to stay by my side, or go against me. I have no hold on it."
"Goddamnit Charon!"
I throw my lighter at him, losing the cool I've tried so hard to keep. It bounces off of his back, and clanks to the floor loudly.
"You're so stupid! For you to even think for one second they're the good guys than it's true! All we've ever done together was for nothing! All the fights and the support I put up with when you were PMSing, all the stupid little things you needed me by your side to do, everything was for nothing!"
Charon turns to see my face, tear-stained and angry.
"Perhaps then it was. Is that what you want to hear? I can't stand to listen to your stupid temper tantrums anymore! I've listened to them almost ten years! How can you expect me to continue to do it again and more?"
"Because you loved me! And that's what people do! They love each other with their faults and all!"
"What do you know about love?"
Charon…
"I know so much more than you do!"
"How can a girl raised in a vault, who was willingly the toy used by a boy know anything of human emotions?"
"I could ask you the same thing! You don't know anything about being a human! You never felt anything did you? All you did was pretend to feel and go through the motions of it all!"
"I didn't do any such thing!"
"I should have fucked those men! I should have left you and never regretted anything!"
Reaching, Charon grabs my shoulders and picks me off the ground. He pins me against the wall, his strength and grip overpowering. Holding me at eye level with him, I can feel my toes begging to touch the ground.
"You were not theirs to touch!"
"Says who? Living dead zombie here? Fuck you!"
"You are not for men to touch! You are not for them!"
"Then who am I for, Charon? It's what's going to happen if you keep me here! They're going to do all they want to me and more! They're going to kill me!"
"They won't touch you!"
"Why? What are you going to do about it?"
He pushes me against the wall harder. It hurts, but I bear with it. I bear with it, because the person I'm screaming at, is the person I remember him to be.
"I'll kill them!"
Realization overcomes him. Charon lets me go and I fall to the floor at the sudden drop. Backing away slowly, Charon stares at me on the ground.
"No man…no man is allowed…to even look at you with desire…"
He says through gritted teeth as his hands open and close. Picking myself up, I stay on the ground but press my back against the wall. Charon stands like a statue, leaning over me, leering at me.
"If you won't let them look at me, why are you going to let them keep me here? Why are you going to let them take you away? If you leave me here, alone, you know what will happen. They'll do more than just look."
"No one is allowed…to hear you call their names, like you've called mine…"
"Then don't let them! Don't let them come near me!"
"They have watched me. They know…everything about me and you. There is no other way."
"They haven't seen you when I come in harms way. They haven't seen you, alone with me at night. They didn't see the Charon, who kept me close, who kissed me, who made me feel safe. They didn't see, the rage that I saw, when another man would come within feet of me. They don't know everything."
"They know you are my weak link."
I stand up, sort of preparing myself for a physical fight. Don't ask me why. Right now, Charon's very volatile and unpredictable. He can be turned on and off like a light switch. I have to be careful of what I say, if I want the Charon I'm speaking to, to stay here with me. This is the real Charon, not the one they programmed.
"Don't let me be that, then. Don't let them take me away and use me against you."
"If they take you from me…they…they can hurt me…"
"Don't let them know that!"
"They already do, if they've seen us interact. If they've been watching."
"…But they also know, that pissing you off would be the end of them all. Taking me, is the last thing on their list, Charon. Trust me."
He looks away from me, and at the floor. It's almost like the Charon he is and the Charon they made him to be are fighting. I can see in the dark, the mixture of emotions now showing on his face. I can tell he's struggling, and so I reach out. I let my fingers graze his bare arm, and he looks at me.
"Don't let us get separated, Charon. You know they'll do more than just kill me, if you work with them. I won't be safe here."
"I wanted a world where you and I would be safe. The world you always chased, with the grass and trees. I've always wanted, to show you life before the war, and the fields of it all. The way the summer air felt. I wanted, to dream that dream with you. I wanted someone to make this world a place, worthy of you, and worthy of a family with you."
Stepping closer, I slowly slide my hand in his. He still can't look me in the eyes, but at least, for now, I have him.
"It is, Charon. I don't need grass or trees, or anything like that. A shack is fine, so long as everyone I love is there with me. I wouldn't want to have a family, in a world where world war is present. I want to raise one here, in the Capital Wasteland, where we're too disorganized to think of anyone but ourselves. This world, with you and Zack and Gob, is perfect."
"…I thought, perhaps if I worked with them, they would create the world for you, and you would love me as you once did. You would forgive me for leaving, and look at me that way again. That I would finally be worth your care and love."
Getting off topic in my mind, I wonder how Charon came to the conclusion that they would somehow hold the key to making the place better. It's not something that you pull out of your ass like 'Hey, gonna make some grass and trees here, kay?'. I mean, making the water pure was hard enough as it was, trust me I know.
"Charon, why do you think they have this power? That they can make this place any better?"
"…This is a vault. Built by Vault-Tec. Every vault, has a G.E.C.K."
Oh my lord the ghoul is right. Taking my hand away from his I smack myself in the face. Of course! G.E.C.K! How could I not have realized that? Well to be honest there were bigger things on my mind than the world, you know? Even now Charon isn't to where he was, and the pained look on his face shows me he's still very vulnerable. But knowing the G.E.C.K is somewhere here, inside this very place…makes me see things in a whole new light.