Author's Note: Hello all and welcome to the 37th installment of I Can Feel You! I still dont own Twilight or the genius of its characters, however I do own ICFY, Ana, and Jade, and they are pretty awesome! A few short notes. I owe a big THANK YOU to one of my best friends Laycie-Lou for helping me with the gift ideas in this chapter, you are truly awesome Laycie-Lou and ILY! A jade chapter will be coming up very soon I promise :D I also have a request, if anyone stumbles across quotes that they find fitting for this story or some of the characters please let me know :D I love quotes and putting them at the beginning of each chapter. Anyways, on to the newest chapter. Read, Enjoy, and Review!
Chapter 37: In The Name Of Love
" Albert Camus once wrote, " Blessed are the hearts that can bend. They shall never be broken." But I wonder, if there's no breaking, then there's no healing. And if there is no healing, then there is no learning. And if there is no learning, then there's no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life, so must all hearts be broken?" -Lucas Scott One Tree Hill
I have been awake staring at the window for hours now, watching the snow falling silently outside, blanketing our world in white. I roll over to look at the clock and see that I have put off getting out of bed long enough. I slide out of the warmth of my borrowed bed and shuffle to the door.
" You okay?" Alice's voice calls out to me from her bed. I turn to look at her, smiling sheepishly.
" Did I wake you?" I ask crossing my arms over my chest.
" No, I didn't sleep much last night. You seemed restless last night, tossed and turned a lot." she says sitting up to look at me.
" Yeah, I'm fine, just," I say trailing off unsure just how much I should confide in her. She scoots over and pats the free space next to her. I walk slowly towards her bed and sit next to her.
" Did something happen with you and Jasper in the car?" she asks, looking at me seriously.
" You could say that," I whisper back to her.
" Well, what happened?" she asks, pulling her knees to her chest.
" He apologized for what I saw, you know, when you kissed him. And he started telling me how he felt nothing, and how he used to wish that you would kiss him like that just one more time, before I came into the picture. He was well on his way to spilling his guts out to me Alice, but I stopped him. I refused to listen to it," I say, blinking my eyes rapidly.
" Why?" she asks, her voice filled with honest curiosity.
" Because, it tore me apart for him to tell me that he loved me but didn't want to be with me. I cant go through that again," I say, letting the tears come. There is one thing I have learned in life, no point in holding back tears, when they are inevitable.
" Then why did you get him what you got him for the gift exchange?" she asks, smirking slightly.
" How do you know what I got him? Did Emmett run his mouth, I swear that if he did," I start saying but Alice's outburst of laughter catches me off guard.
" You forget that I can see things Ana," she says laughing hysterically.
" Oh yeah huh?" I say laughing with her.
" Listen Ana, I know that I am the last person to be giving relationship advice when it comes to Jasper. What I can tell you is that he does love you, he just has to have the chance to come around," she says wrapping her arms over my shoulders.
" What am I supposed to do? Wait around for him? How long will that take, a month, six months, a year? How is that fair?" I ask, growing steadily frustrated.
" I know it sucks, but I don't think you will be waiting that long," she says cryptically. I am about to ask her to elaborate on that until the voice of Esme floats up the stairs calling everyone to breakfast.
" We better hurry up and get down there before Emmett does," she says and I laugh at that, following her from our room to the kitchen with the sneaking suspicion that Alice knows something that she just isn't telling me.
I stand on the porch staring at all of the snow and smile. Everyone that I have come to love and care for play in the snow like kids and I laugh when Jade hits Edward square in the face with a snowball.
" Oh Ana-Banana, come play with us," Emmett yells from his spot behind a tree. I smile slightly and shake my head.
" Why aren't you out there enjoying the fun and games?" a soft voice asks from behind me. I turn to see Esme and I smile.
" I love the snow and all, but it's a little too cold for my blood," I say laughing as I turn to see Emmett tackle Rosalie into the snow.
" You sure it doesn't have anything to do with what's going on between you and Jasper?" Esme asks, a smile in her voice. I turn to look at her and smile slightly.
" Is it that obvious?" I ask, running my hands through my hair.
" No, not obvious, but you have to remember I'm a mother, and I know what it looks like when one of my own is in love, and hurting from it," she says running a hand over my shoulder.
" Can I ask you something?" I ask, shifting nervously from foot to foot.
" Of course you can," she says, opening the front door. I follow her in, and sit next to her on the couch.
" What was Jasper like? Before him and Alice broke up? Was he always this guarded?" I ask, playing nervously with my necklace.
" No he wasn't. Not this guarded at least, but Jasper has always been guarded in some sense. You know about his gift, and you have to understand. When you can feel so much, you have to be able to protect yourself somehow," she says, " So you shouldn't take it so personally. I know that's hard to do, but sometimes if you love someone you have to wait for them to realize that they love you too."
" What if they already know that they love you, but they are just too afraid to be with you?" I ask, looking at her.
" Wait, Jasper already told you he loves you?" she asks, and I nod my head.
" When I went home for Thanksgiving, he told me that he loved me at the airport and then flew out and spent the holiday with me. I asked him if he wanted to be with me, and he said no. He walked away," I say tears clouding my eyes. My heart starts shuddering in my chest at the memory of it.
" Oh well, that changes everything," she says on a soft whisper.
" Yeah, what am I supposed to do?" I ask looking at her.
" I honestly don't know dear. All I can tell you is that Jasper is a fool if he doesn't realize what an amazing girl you really are," she says, smiling at me bright eyed.
" Thanks," I say, smiling at her.
" Now listen, your on break. You should be out having fun, now go," she says smiling at me and shooing me from the room.
I walk back outside and find it eerily quiet and abandoned.
" Hello," I call out looking around. " Jade, Edward, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, anybody." No answer. Where in the world could they be? I walk down the stairs of the porch and circle around trying to find them. I turn around just in time to catch a snowball in the face. I sputter in shock as I wipe the snow from my face.
" All right who did that?" I ask, and Emmett pokes his face from behind a tree smiling sheepishly at me.
" Sorry," he says, and I lean down scooping up some snow in my hands.
" Oh you will be," I say throwing the snow at him. I don't know how it happened but it ended up me, Alice, Jade, and Rosalie versus Jasper, Edward, and Emmett. They had the advantage although we had the numbers. I laugh hysterically and fall to the ground unaware of the cold.
" So I think its safe to say that it's a draw," Rosalie says smiling as she rolls over to lay on Emmett.
" Oh sure leave it to the girls to call a draw because they don't want to admit that the we beat them," Emmett says in answer. I laugh as I roll over and shove a handful of snow in his face.
" There, we win," I say laughing as I get up and dust myself off.
" That wasn't fair," Edward calls out.
" Sure it was. Wouldn't have had to happen if Emmett wasn't bitching about us females calling a draw," I say walking up the stairs.
" I wasn't bitching," Emmett says sulkily from his spot on the snow.
" Uh huh sure you weren't. I swear what is it with men, such sore losers," I say laughing as I look over my shoulder. I catch Edward and Jasper exchanging a knowing glance at each other. I should have seen it coming, and I think part of me did I just couldn't get my feet to react in time. Jasper scoops me up and throws me over his shoulder as Emmett and Edward pelt me with handfuls of snow. I laugh hysterically and call for assistance from the girls, but they are no good to me, as they are too busy sitting in the snow laughing. I don't know how much time passed, all I know is that our laughter echoes off the trees and mountains and for those few moments we are simply happy, and carefree.
" So how shocked do you think the parents are going to be?" Alice asks, running a towel over her hair.
" Probably really shocked," I say, setting the curling iron down beside me. " I know I would be if I were handed a plane ticket to Paris."
" Knock, knock," Jade says opening the door. I smile up at her from my spot on the floor.
" Hey," she says, " Just thought I would let you know that your parents are here." Alice squeals and scrambles past Jade.
" I'm almost done, I'll be down in a second," I say unplugging the curling iron from the wall.
" That's okay, I will just keep you company. So you going to tell me what happened last night in the car with you and Jasper?" she asks, and I look at her in the mirror.
" Nothing really. He apologized for the whole being kissed by Alice thing. Then he started to tell me everything that I wanted to hear but I stopped him" I say standing up to straighten out my clothes.
" You stopped him, but why?" she asks, sounding shocked.
" Because I don't want to hear it Jade. I heard him say he loves me once before and in the same breath he told me he doesn't want to be with me. I cant go through that again," I say blinking away the tears.
" Your just being stubborn Ana. You ever stop to think that maybe he was going to tell you that he was wrong, that he wants to be with you?" she asks her voice frustrated.
" No, I wont let myself hope for that," I say simply, opening the bedroom door.
" Your just as stubborn as you've always been Annalisa Benson," she says throwing her arm over my shoulder.
" Would you have it any other way Jade Larson?" I ask laughing as we make our way down stairs.
" Present time," Rosalie calls out smiling as we all settle into the living room. I sit watching as Rosalie hands out gifts accordingly. She sets a box on my lap and I smile at my name scrawled across the top in Emmett's handwriting. My heart pounds in my chest as Jasper looks at the gift in his hand, before looking up at me. I smile slightly before turning my attention back to Rosalie.
" Okay open them" she says and I start tearing the paper away from the box. I open it slowly and immediately fall into uncontrollable laughter. Everything within the box has one common theme. Bananas. There's a banana shirt, banana blanket, a stuffed monkey holding bananas.
" Aww, thanks Emmy," I say on a laugh.
" Your welcome," Emmett says a boyish grin on his face. I get lost in the murmurs of thanks going around the room. Jade's being the loudest as she looks shocked at the amount of make up that is in the box.
" Rosalie," Jade says her eyes somewhat misty. " You didn't have to do this."
" I know, but I wanted too," Rosalie answers back smiling as she slides on the new shoes that Alice bought her. I slide over to where Jade is sitting and look into the box she holds closely on her lap. My own eyes widen as I see all of the Urban Decay make up that sits in the box.
" You know your going to have to let me borrow some of that," I whisper to Jade, and she smiles.
" Not on your life," she whispers back, and I elbow her lightly making her laugh.
" No way!" Emmett yells out getting up from his seat dancing excitedly around the room.
" What? What did you get him?" I ask Jade, and she just laughs at Emmett.
" Jade you are officially my new favorite person," Emmett says grabbing Jade up into a bone crushing hug.
" Well, what did she get you?" I ask, laughing.
" Come look," he says, setting Jade back down on the couch. I walk over to the huge box that sits on the floor and look in, and laugh. Jade never misses a thing. I stare down at a box full of rubber duckies, in every conceivable color.
" That's not all, she got me a membership to the zoo," he says excitedly. I smile and sit down pulling out a rubber duck.
" So you going to name all of them?" Edward asks smirking at Emmett.
" You know it brother," Emmett says, and I laugh.
" What did you get Edward?" I ask, flipping the rubber duck in my hand.
" A c.d." he says simply. 'That's it? Jasper really isn't all that imaginative when it comes to gifts is he?' I think to myself.
" What c.d?" Jade asks, looking over his shoulder. " Hmm, never heard of them."
" You wouldn't. Their still undiscovered," Jasper says, and I look over at him, his gift still un-opened.
" Its kind of a thing we have. Jasper always finds a way to slip me a new undiscovered bands c.d just after they record at the studio," Edward says smiling as he takes Jades hand into his.
" SO everyone open their gifts? Okay good, there is just a couple more gifts we have to pass out," Rosalie says and I flash a look at Jasper. What is he waiting for? Does he not want to open my gift? Does he already know that I went out on a limb to tell him one more time just how I feel? Does him not opening it right away tell me in some way or another that he doesn't want to know what I feel? That he doesn't want the second chance that I am willing to give him? " Mom, Dad, Esme, Carlisle, here you go." I shake myself from my personal thoughts and turn my attention to the parents.
" Aww, you kids didn't have to get us anything," Carlisle says as he tears away the paper from the box. He slides the top off and stares dumbfounded at the tickets.
" Oh wow," Esme says, eyes tearing up.
" Are you serious? Tickets to Paris?" Veronica asks smiling through tears.
" Merry Christmas" Rosalie says hugging her parents.
" When do we leave? Tonight? Wait what about Christmas?" Esme asks, and Rosalie immediately hugs her.
" Don't worry about a thing, we will keep an eye on the house," Rosalie says and I cant help but laugh at the look that passes between the parents.
" I don't know you know what happened the last time we left the kids home alone," Carlisle says trying hard not to laugh.
" Oh Dad, please just don't say anything. We have grown up since then, matured," Emmett says and I laugh hysterically since while he says this he sits surrounded by rubber ducks.
" What do you think Esme? Think we can trust this lot alone?" Carlisle asks smiling down at Esme.
" Yeah, I don't think we have much to worry about. There's too much snow outside for there to be a raging party. Do remind me to put a lock on my underwear drawer though," Esme says on a laugh as she makes her way from the room to get ready to pack. I laugh when Edward, Emmett, and Jasper groan and turn five different shades of red.
" I think that went well," Alice says clasping the tinkerbell necklace around her neck.
" Yeah it did," I say, holding my new stuffed monkey as I lay on the bed.
" Jasper didn't open his present," she says her voice cryptic.
" I noticed," I say, sitting up to look at her.
" You don't seem upset," she says, sitting next to me.
" I'm not. He either wanted to wait to do it in private, or he just isn't that interested in what I got him. Either way, I will just have to wait, let him do it in his own time," I say, running a hand over my blanket. I look over to see someone opening our door and Jade pops in smiling from ear to ear.
" Hey," Jade says sitting next to us on the bed. " Cute monkey."
" Thanks," I say snuggling into the stuffed monkey.
" Have you named him yet?" she asks, and I smile at her.
" No, not yet," I say, " I'm still working on that."
" SO uhm, I noticed that Jasper didn't open your gift. What did you get him anyways?" she asks, looking at me curiously. I blush deeply as I look through my bag. I pull out the paper that has a picture of what I got Jasper and show it to them both.
" Oh Ana," Jade whispers as she looks at me.
" I know I shouldn't have gotten it for him right?" I ask, getting up to pace the floor.
" No, its just, its so beautiful," she says, a small smile on her face.
" Well, I figured this would be my last try you know? Show him that I'm serious, that my feelings are real," I say, running my hand through my hair.
" I think he will get the picture with this," Alice murmurs. We sit in silence for a while before Jade leaves the room to go to bed. I climb into my bed pulling my pillow close to me, hoping for sleep.
I climb out of bed and sneak from the room. No sense in trying to force myself to sleep, when sleeping is obviously out of the question. I walk silently down the stairs and slip into the living room. I sit on the window seat and stare outside. One thing about snow that has always seemed to amaze me, it makes everything calm, quiet.
" What are you doing awake?" a soft voice asks from the door way and I turn to face Jasper.
" Couldn't sleep," I say, looking back to the window.
" Neither could I. Mind if I join you?" Jasper asks, and I nod my head. I can feel my heart start beating erratically in my chest as he sits beside me.
" You didn't open my gift," I say wrapping my arms around myself.
" I wanted to do it in private," he says looking at me. " Emmett gave me a heads up."
" Stupid Emmett, remind me never to trust him with a secret" I groan out to myself.
" Ana, listen, I know that I haven't been fair to you. I don't want to hurt you," he says and I close my eyes tightly against the tears.
" No its okay, I just had to give it one last try," I say as I start to get up.
" Ana please," Jasper says as he reaches out and grabs my wrist in his hand. " I want to give you what you want, I do. I just don't think that I can."
" Why? Why because your stubborn? Or your scared? Or what Jasper? Give me one reason why you cant give me what we both want? One good reason that isn't an excuse and I will never bring it up again," I say growing frustrated as I grab his face in my hands.
" I cant," he says crashing his lips to mine. I slip into the kiss for a second before I pull away and look at him seriously.
" Then please Jasper, you're the only one who can make this ache in my heart go away, please make it go away," I whisper as I rest my forehead on his.
" Ana, I cant," he says moving away from me. " I cant be that person for you. I cant be that person for anyone ever again. I'm sorry." I wrap my arms around myself as he walks from the room. I lower myself to the floor and cry, my head resting on my knees as the tears fall freely. I lift my head when I hear someone shuffling into the room.
" Ana?" someone's questioning voice rings through the room. I look up and see a sleepy eyed Alice looking down at me. " Oh Ana, what happened?"
" I gave him one more chance Alice, and he said no, he said no again," I choke out bitterly over the tears. She sits down next to me wrapping her arms around me, and holds me while I cry out my broken heart. "It hurts so much Alice, what am I going to do?" I ask sniffling lightly.
" Your going to stop crying, and your going to smile, because you will be happy again one day Ana, you will be. And I will be here for you, whenever you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to share ice cream with and boy bash with, I'll be here," she says and I smile slightly. So here I am left feeling completely empty and cold, and all in the name of love.