38. Be Quiet And Drive

"I don't care where, just FAR - away... And I don't care where, just FAR - away..." I screamed and sang intimately into the microphone. The crowd was absolutely losing their shit tonight - we had jam packed my favorite hometown club full of hooligans. There were even people crowded in the parking lot waiting for anyone to leave so that they'd be allowed in.

Even though the place was at capacity, this was by far the smallest crowd we'd played this summer. I'd been pushed repeatedly to not book this show, but I wasn't hearing any of that... I had stood at the edge of this very stage so many times, looking up into the faces of rock stars while I dreamed of the life they were leading. I might not be where I was now if this bar hadn't existed as I was growing up, might not ever have gotten to feel the incredible privilege of screaming my heart out with the lights resting on me and the crowd at my feet, begging for more.

We did one more original song after the Deftones cover and wrapped up the night right at two thirty in the morning. I mingled around and did the after-show routine while the guys loaded up, and then I quietly slipped away as the crowd dissipated. I had mixed feelings about being home, some of them good, but I was running well below the empty line. I just wanted to crawl into a warm bed and cuddle Seth until I fell asleep.

Ana, Josh and Mark were piled in the backseat of my Cam, drunk off their asses and still rowdy as hell. I ended up having to go inside Caroline's house with the three of them to help them to their rooms. I went to the kitchen and got a bottle of ibuprofen and a few bottles of water. Ana and Josh were passed out on her bed when I brought everything back to the room.

I left two waters and six ibuprofen on the nightstand, kissed Ana's cheek goodnight and headed down to the basement. "Mark?" I asked through the closed door.

It swung open almost immediately and I held out the remaining bottle and three more ibuprofen. "Good looking out," he complimented before downing half of the water. "You have any cigarettes?"

I opened up my pack and there were only two left.

"Share one with me?"

I pulled one out and lit it before stepping around him and sitting on the bed. "Have fun tonight?" I asked conversationally.

"Yeah. I'm looking forward to staying here all week." I held the smoke out and he popped it between his lips and took a long draw. "What's up with you today?"

I sighed. "Being here... This town don't feel mine."

He didn't say anything, just passed my cigarette back as he sat beside me, then laid his head on my shoulder. I leaned my head against his, patted his back and got up.

"See you in the morning," I told him. I left through the front door and rode the two minutes or so back to my mother's home with Seth in silence. He went to my old room while I walked to the back to see if Mom was already asleep... She was, and as soon as I registered that, I noticed the pill bottles on the nightstand. I crept quietly across the room and turned each bottle until the label faced me; percocet, roxycodone, and xanax.

I stood for a moment, reading and rereading the names on the orange bottles and decided that there was nothing to be done. I wasn't here enough to babysit my mother, and I wasn't going to waste my time feeling bad or even being surprised by her substance abuse. She'd given up on me so long ago that I couldn't even remember a time when she tried to give a shit. And now I understood in some twisted way, because I was giving up on her right back.

I stalked back to my room and started peeling my clothes away, trying not to let any frustration creep it's way in. I was tired and I had been craving the comfort of Seth's arms all day. He lifted the corner of the blanket for me, silently assessing my expression as I climbed in beside him.

I didn't want him to ask, and he didn't. He met my gaze evenly as his hand grazed my hips, and then he caught my face and kissed me. It was slow, comforting... until my hands gripped his back. He grabbed at my hip roughly, his fingers digging into my skin until it almost hurt.

I wanted it to hurt.

I raised up onto my knees and pulled my long locks into a ponytail, high up on my head. It was a signal to him, something I'd come up with to get my way when I was being too shy to actually say it. The hair going up meant that things were about to get rough and downright nasty.

He rose up to my level, eyes locked to mine and searching for a change of thought. There was none to be found. He spun me around and jerked me to him, one arm around my torso, one hand wound around my hair. My head snapped to the right and his mouth was on my throat, sniffing and nibbling. He bit my collarbone so hard that I cried out, and he slapped a hand over my mouth before pushing my face down into a pillow. The hand that wasn't still wrapped around my hair hit my ass hard enough to welt, and before I had time to even register that pain he was forcing his way inside of me.

It was still mostly dark outside when I found myself lying there unable to rest, Seth snoring peacefully beside of me. I should have been conked out; I'd been tired all day and Seth had really done a number on me tonight. But here I was, eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling as I fought a mysterious pull from my bed. I finally gave in, got up and threw some clothes on.

I paced the span of my mother's back porch twice before running down the stairs. I hit the street running and slowed to a quick-paced walk so that no one ended up calling the police over some crazy blonde tearing ass down the street at four in the morning.

Passing by Ana's, I could see a silhouette leaning against a wood column near her front door. I couldn't see anything more but I knew it was Mark, and I knew he'd follow me. I didn't particularly mind, but I wasn't sure if I wanted company. I didn't address him and he kept his distance as he weaved his way uptown after me.

I didn't know what I was looking for. I got past the Corner Shop and the streets were empty, so I started to sprint again. I felt the need to get somewhere and to get there quick, like I was fighting against the daylight breaking through the sky above me. I passed the college and as soon as I hit Main Street, I turned left without thinking.

I stopped midway up the street and grabbed the trunk of a tree on the sidewalk as I fought to catch my breath. I blinked and then zeroed in on the dirt under my feet, my hand grasping the tree. I'd been here a thousand times or more... but the last time I'd been here, I had died. Right here against this puny little tree on a sidewalk.

And I'd been reborn.

I didn't know how and I didn't know why... I didn't understand any of it. I was here and I was different. The last time I was here, the last night of my life, I wasn't a witch and I wasn't a murderer. I wasn't an average person either, by any means, but I was just a girl then. Now...

Now I was a powerhouse, a true force to be reckoned with. Something had blessed me with more power than anyone on Earth possessed.

"All this way for a tree?" Mark said as he stepped around to my side and put his hands on the trunk. "Feels pretty tree-like to me."

"I died here," I said as I took a step backwards. It didn't look any more significant to me. "I'm not sure why I'm here..."

"You're here because the world needs you to be," he answered, catching my double meaning with ease. "And maybe you're here to remember that."

The sun broke through the clouds in a brilliant display of color and light, but I could only glance at it. I stared at this crummy old spot in this crummy old town and I silently pleaded for some type of peace, some sense or feeling of meaning to tonight or to that night or to anything. I'd been drawn here for something, but there was nothing to be seen, nothing to be felt but emptiness.

Then, like the sun bursting through the clouds, my pain emerged with a pathetic whimper. I threw my arms around the tree, pressed myself against it and bawled my eyes out. "Why am I here?" I choked out quietly. Why had I come back, why did it change me? Why me and not someone else?

I sensed him as he rounded the corner, but I didn't look up. "You're here for me," he spoke softly once he'd reached my side. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me back and into him. "And you're here because you're going to change the world, Liz."

I actually laughed at that. The only change I'd bring to the world was burning it down.

"Baby... look up."

I wiped my face on his shirt before gazing up, blinking uncomfortably at the brightness. "It's beautiful..."

"It's not raining," he pointed out. My emotions should have stirred up at least something... I still wasn't that in control of my magic affecting things outside of me, not when I'd hit this point. Yet, here we were. "I'm not sure that you realize how quickly you grow and change. You have so much time here, and you're not the type of person that wastes it. You're going to do something wonderful one day." He shifted to the side so that I could see Mark puttering around behind him awkwardly. "Look what you've already done."

I sniffled and smiled just a little. "At least there's that."

Mark cracked a smile and shook his head. "At least," he replied sarcastically.

I swiped at my face some more with the sleeves of my favorite flannel and tried on a smile... it wasn't so hard. "I am glad I'm here... with you two assholes," I joked. "I love you guys."

"We love you too, crazy girl," Seth said as he ruffled my hair.

The door to the bar suddenly popped open and a bear of a man stepped out, lit cigarette in hand. "Hey, Liz," he greeted nonchalantly.

"Hey, Tilley!" I pranced over and gave him a hug. My mood had done a full one-eighty.

"You guys want some food?" he offered.

"Do you know what time it is?"

"Yeah honey, that's why they call it 'rockstar treatment'." He rolled his eyes jokingly and went inside, but held the door open for us. I motioned to the guys and they followed me into the tavern, looking around warily.

I went right over to the bar and hopped up into a seat. "Wouldn't you like to get awaaaay?" I sang loudly to the almost empty bar. "Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your naaaame!"

"And they're always glad you caaaaame!" Tilley sang back from the kitchen. He popped his head out and said, "I'll make your breakfast, Legs, but you have to get your own drinks."

I hopped across the bar and grabbed a bottle of Jameson. I hadn't drunk alcohol or done any substances aside from weed in months... But I deserved a drink. Or five. The guys slammed shots with me and I turned on some music to play over the loud speakers.

Tilley was coming out of the kitchen with trays of loaded plates when I froze the room. I left the music going and climbed onto the bar, twirling and dancing and singing the words.

I looked at the still image of Mark and Seth and smiled... This was the happiest I could be. Me, my boys, my favorite whiskey, and my favorite album ending. Whatever else came, I'd handle it. As soon as I was done losing myself.

"You arrive in my dream... Beside me every night, just you and me. We explode through the scene... We try to drain the night empty. No one else has a hold over me like you do. You open up the covers, you lure me in... Tackle me anxious back into bed... Where I hope to discover all of your ways... This place is death. I know you feel the same."