Lying Helpless in Her Arms
Chapter 37 - Lucas
It was hard to explain how they ended up here.
Ever since his birthday everything went downhill. She had hidden from him her blood results and clearly had shut him down. But he couldn't believe that she had actually been able to hide from him that she had cancer. That wasn't something that he could easily forgive but nothing of that matter at that moment. He could lose her for good and that erased all the mistakes both of them ever made. He couldn't lose her. He couldn't lose their baby either but he thought he would survive if Noah didn't make it but he knew for sure if Brooke died, he would die along, one way or the other.
Brooke started to shut Julian down more seriously when she had got the blood results. She didn't know why exactly she was doing that. She tried to convince herself that she needed to focus in both of the fashion shows but the last one happened over a month ago – her own being a huge success, worshiped by the media and the specialists. But all the success with the media and knowing that she also did a great job with the movie's show didn't change her reaction towards Julian.
Instead of dimming, the suspicious substances in her blood rose. Doctor Martin explained her that it could be caused by something else and that in the following month he would submit her to more detailed exams, in both of her breasts. She had done the mammography in both but she only made the ultrasound in one of them, the one she had showed the nodes in the first place. The pregnancy nodes, the ones caused by her hormones. Too bad the cancer cells were developing in the other one and by the time of her first mammography they were still too small but could be seen clearly in the second one.
Of course Julian wasn't there when Dr. Martin delivered her the terrible news. He also wasn't there when they went through the possibilities of treatment. And that was what led him to break up with her. For the past two months Brooke had barely talked to him. Surely they talked about the movie every day, the decoration of their new house, the names for the baby though both knew they had settled for Noah but that was it. She didn't talk about her feelings; she didn't let him be there in any of her appointments, not even with Dr. Nash. Actually he went there but only stayed during the sonogram. He protested, obviously, but Brooke had been adamant and told him that they shouldn't change their routine because she didn't want it to be jinxed. They both knew it was a lame excuse and Julian couldn't actually understand why she had changed so much.
Julian couldn't understand why she had hidden it from him and if Brooke was honest with herself, neither did she. For a brief while she truly believed in the jinx thing, though it wasn't related to Julian's presence in her appointments. At first she thought if she didn't say to anyone about the blood results nothing of this would become real, that she wouldn't be attracting anything bad to herself and the baby. But how she came from the childish belief to hiding from the man that she loved that she had cancer and was yet to start the treatment? That was the answer she didn't have but that she had tried to find many days before. The days where the guilt was overwhelming because of all of her lies. The days where he was nothing but perfect to her and she was a bitch and a liar in exchange.
She remembered how it all started again with the fake smiles that she had plastered during a significant part of her life. Maybe the disappointment that Julian couldn't read through her façade had been the push she needed to keep hiding it from him, especially when Lucas came.
Lucas, the guy certainly had a great timing. Damn it, life had a great timing she thought when she opened her front door someday and to find the brooding writer standing there. He had a meeting with his editor in New York and it had to be the day Julian had to travel to Los Angeles. It had to be when Haley and Jamie had decided to travel with Nathan because of the NBA playoffs, after all it had been a long time since the Knicks were part of it. The blond man didn't have any idea of all the others whereabouts because both trips were decided at the spur of the moment, probably while he was already on his way to the Big Apple. Nathan slid the two tickets in his hand as Haley's eyes were teary not only because he wanted them to be there but especially because she was very proud of him. Julian in the other hand couldn't actually predict his lead man death in a car accident. If only he wasn't superstitious himself he would have already shot the last scene between Juliet and Charles and wouldn't find himself in that position. There were few scenes to be shot and all of them weren't important except the last one. One of the biggest scenes of the movie. It led him to travel to LA to talk to the powers that be and to leave Brooke to greet Lucas in their doorway.
And surely Lucas was the guy that would always ruin any of Brooke's relationships. He had came a few days after the cancer was confirmed and the fake smile that worked with everyone, including Haley, failed with her teenage boyfriend.
Two weeks ago
"Ms. Davis there is a man here to see you. His name is Lucas Scott" the doorman announced to Brooke and she was thankful for living in an apartment instead of a house. She had some seconds to collect herself while she met the man that once broke her heart almost beyond repair.
"Lucas" she barely voice as the elevator doors opened.
"Brooke" his voice also failed as he saw her belly. Lucas had been promoting his book in Europe and actually didn't know about Brooke's pregnancy. In the western countries of the old land he didn't find himself watching TV or paying any attention to the gossip magazines' headlines. Not that Brooke pregnancy would make the news there either.
There was a silence between the ex-lovers that while wasn't comfortable wasn't awkward either. It was just one of those moments of astonishment while the shock subsides. Surely they were shocked for totally different reasons but they still shared that sort of chemistry that was hard to explain. The one Brooke worked hard to forget and Lucas took too long to realize.
"You're pregnant" he whispered matter-of-factly only a step away of the elevator behind him. The biggest reaction he had been able to do in those minutes was stepping out of the lift.
"I thought with all the media coverage about how Victoria disowned me and threatened to even take my company away from me had been enough to let everybody knows about it" she offered and the vulnerability she hated to show around him was evident in her voice.
"So I guess you and Julian are indeed serious" he nodded his head while holding a resigned gaze.
"At least you know about the baby's daddy" she smiled tightly.
"Yeah" Lucas shoved his hands in his pockets.
"Do you want to come in?" she offered after another couple of minutes. Lucas obviously was brooding. He couldn't help himself. His mind seemed to have its own will and before he realized it he was drifting away in his many thoughts.
"Sure" he nodded and both headed inside the penthouse.
"Sorry I didn't give you any notice. I just arrived from Prague and I tried to talk to Nathan and Haley but it was no avail" he explained himself yet to know how he felt about the woman in front of him knowing that she was pregnant with another man's child.
"They are on their way to Miami, Knicks made it to the playoffs" she uncomfortably clarified.
"So I've heard"
"Take a seat" she offered as herself sat down.
"How far along are you?" he tried to articulate a sort of coherent question.
"Twenty-four weeks"
"Do you know the sex?" he tried to catch up the best he could.
"Yeah, we are having a boy. Jamie couldn't be more excited about having another boy around though Julian said he would have preferred a girl because he misses Lily"
"We all miss that girl" Lucas offered somewhat shocked to know that Julian knew Jamie to this extend. Surely his godson wasn't shy but if Jamie said something to Julian that he didn't share with his godmother, Julian had to be someone close to the boy.
"How are they, by the way? It's been a while since I talked to Karen" Brooke felt more comfortable changing the subject to third parties but was yet to be totally okay.
"They are great, still in New Zealand. They had traveled just after Christmas and are yet to come back"
Another silence filled the room and it seemed to speak volumes to each of the people sitting there.
"I guess congratulations are in order" he offered realizing that he hadn't done it before.
"Thank you" and for the first time since he arrived he had seen a genuine Brooke Davis smile.
"I'm sorry for coming all of sudden. It seems like it wasn't the best of the ideas" he finally acknowledged the tension since his arrival.
"It's okay, don't worry. It definitely surprised me, more like shocked, but it's okay" another small smile was in place.
"Pregnancy suits you, Brooke, as I always knew it would. You're glowing and even more beautiful" and it was his turn to offer something honest and actually joyful.
Immediately the tears that had been there just a little before he arrived were making their way out of her ducts again. She was supposed to glow and not take chemotherapy.
"Hey, hey, what happened?" Lucas jumped from his seat that was purposefully the farthest from hers and moved to her side.
"Hormones. They turned me into this pathetic whiny girl that cries for everything" she sniffed avoiding looking at his face.
"Is everything okay, Brooke?" he asked concerned knowing the girl next to him too well.
"Sure" her eyes couldn't meet his. Not that before the mention of her pregnancy glow they were actually looking for his.
"It took me a while. Actually I couldn't be any more late but I finally learned how to read you, Brooke Davis" he stretched his hand shyly and touched her for the first time in so many years.
"I don't know what you're talking about" she looked away from his hand on hers but kept her manicured fingers in the same position, feeling the warmth of his touch.
"As a teenager I couldn't be more oblivious but I'm not that boy anymore Brooke and as much as I know you're not that girl I can still see the fear and the pain that I used to mix with confusion and lack of trust" he offered a smile that while wasn't big was still genuine.
"It doesn't matter now, does it?" she tried to change where that conversation was going. From the corner of her eye she could see how Lucas was denuding her, just like Julian was an expert to do but seemed to have failed lately.
"Actually it does because I'm seeing it again" his fingers rubbed hers slightly. It wasn't a move or flirting. It was just comforting and seemed honestly friendly.
"It's just that I haven't seen you in a long time, Lucas. I guess I'm entitled to have a revival of that fear and pain" she tried to evade, moving her hand away from his, plastering another one of her empty smiles.
"I guess it's too early for me to have a right to push you to know what's going on but just know that I can see that something is wrong and that you can count on me if you need to" he briefly rested his hand on her knee before standing up and moving back to his seat.
"Thanks Lucas, but things couldn't be any better" she lied through her lips.
"It's nice to see you again, Brooke" and seeing the smile that she had loved for so many years she knew that this time she wouldn't be able to hide behind her smiles, at least not from him.
For reasons that she was yet to understand Brooke had offered Lucas to stay with her and Julian even though her fiancé had only found out about it one day before coming from LA.
It had been one of the biggest reasons why Julian had finally decided to have a break. Lucas had had a lot of meetings in those days while he and his editor made the final adjustments in his new book and also worked in the tour and the promotion of the book. The producer was pissed and jealous. His first instinct about Lucas Scott had always been to beat the shit out of him for everything that he had caused to Brooke but when she admitted that the blond man was staying in their apartment for over a week and would stay for another two or three all the violent instincts were erased and gave room to jealousy.
In the first time they talked some days after Julian was back, Lucas made it clear that he wasn't there for getting Brooke back and that he would stay with his brother and best friend if they weren't then heading to Los Angeles where the Knicks would play their first NBA final in many years to count. While it eased Julian a bit, it still disturbed the raven haired man that Brooke seemed closer to Lucas than to him.
The Day Before
It had been the last straw when in the night before he had arrived home with the worst possible news from the studio to find his soon-to-be-wife in the arms of the man she had loved crying her lungs off. It didn't help that Lucas shook his head slightly as if asking Julian to back off. How could he back off from his own fiancée when it seemed like her world was falling apart?
Surely by that time Julian was more than used to Brooke sudden tears show. But it was always something mild and actually the rarely moments where she communicated a little with him. But she was sobbing at Lucas Scott's arms and the way she held the writer with her life broke Julian's heart.
Julian waited for hours until Lucas had finally went to the guests' room. He had to watch the man he hated the most to be there for his woman and he knew there was nothing he could do about it. But that was more than he could take in that moment. He finally took the decision to break up for sake of their relationship and to do not lead her to have any other concerns during her already complicated pregnancy.
"My father had been in the studio today" he said as he entered their bedroom.
"What did he want?" she asked concerned. She knew Paul was a sensitive subject for Julian.
"He came to make it clear that I'm not able to fix this and that the studio needed him to make this movie"
"It's is not your fault that Josh died" Brooke offered sympathetically.
"Well it doesn't really matter now. Actually I want to talk to you about something else" he decided that it would be better for both of them if he went straight to the point instead of walking around it.
"Sure" she sat on the bed actually worried about the tone of his voice and the look at his face.
"I'm moving to the Hamptons" he blurted.
"What?" she asked shocked moving her hand to her swelled belly.
"We aren't in a relationship for months Brooke. We have just been living in the same house and now that he is here" he had to stop and control his temper at the mention of Lucas "I guess you need me even less. Maybe we moved too fast and I have so much in my plate now. Dealing with Lucas Scott on a daily basis isn't what I really need"
"I could ask for him to leave" her heart beat rapidly. If Julian was this hurt and willing to leave her because of Lucas what would he do when he knew the truth about her condition?
"No. You clearly need him around" Julian shook his forcefully.
"I don't need anyone but you, Julian, especially now" her voice cracked not only because of the prospect of a breakup but also because about the revelation she was going to do. She couldn't go another day lying to the man she loved and the news she had got that afternoon was more than she could take alone.
"But I need to leave Brooke" his defeated voice showed her the truth in his words.
"So I guess this makes what I have to say much easier" she suddenly changed her tone to a harsh one.
"Serious Brooke I am not up to any games. I am a shadow of a man and you don't need to make things worse" he confessed hoping that the love he still believed she had for him would actually make her give him what he needed.
"It developed into something else" she whispered and it took him a few seconds to understand what she had was talking about and he only realized it because he saw the tears falling compulsively down on her face.
"It is too near to my lymph nodes and they had suggested a very aggressive treatment that could lead to miscarriage or cause the baby some harm. I didn't give them an answer because I knew it wasn't only my decision to make as I was your soon-to-be-fiancée but as I am not this anymore the decision is taken. My wellbeing doesn't concern you, only the baby's so you don't have a word in this as I had decided that I won't do the treatment" while the tears rolled down her face she held a strong gaze.
"What?" Julian sat at the armchair by the corner of their bedroom.
"I'm not taking the treatment, Julian, I'm going there tomorrow to let them know" she told him decidedly.
Julian couldn't sleep for one minute that night. He could now understand why she had been crying in Lucas' arms. She needed any arms when she arrived home and Lucas just happened to be there before him. He had totally misread the moment the southern friends shared and he couldn't feel worse about the decision he took.
He had tried to take it back but Brooke didn't accept. She asked him to leave and let him know about the appointments she would have in the following day with Dr. Nash and Dr. Martin, making it clear to him that he was welcomed only in the former as her healthy condition wasn't any of his concern anymore, just Noah's.
It was the day of their first 4D sonogram. Being twenty-six weeks along would already allow them to see a lot of their boy and what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of her pregnancy was anything but happy.
"He already has your illegal grin and also your chin" she opened up to Julian softened by her baby's face that seemed to look so alike his father.
"And what he will have from you? What will be the living remind that I failed to you? That I no longer have you and that you are gone forever? I just hope God isn't so torturing and gives him your dimples because I swear I will never be able to look at his face and do not remember of you. I am not even sure I won't resent him though I know I should resent you instead because he hadn't chosen to be born and live. You had decided to die so I should resent and hate you for this except that I love you so much to actually hate you" Julian poured down his heart to the woman he had dreamed the most beautiful dreams of a happy and perfect life together.
"Julian it's not time and place" Brooke whispered looking up to the doctor and the nurse that were also in the room.
"Let me know about the next appointment" the crushed man said as he stood up and greeted the doctor before leaving.
Julian was hurt for all the lies and how Brooke hadn't trusted him enough to let him be a part of this with her. They were engaged for God's sake and while it really hurt him, it wasn't the biggest reason why he decided to leave the doctor's room. The possibility of losing her was.
Julian was unable to deal with it in that moment and he had remembered the words the doctor had said before and repeated just some minutes ago about how Brooke shouldn't stress herself. As much as Julian knew their breakup and her decision were hurting her he decided that it would hurt her and the baby less if he just backed off. He didn't want to fight with her when her condition was so ticklish. He knew she would head to Dr. Martin and that she would choose to potentially die instead of fighting and he couldn't handle that now. But that was never the decision Brooke took and Julian would found out about it a little bit too late.
She indeed headed to the oncologist appointment but thinking all over the past night she had come to a different decision that she was willing to share with Julian if he hadn't been so fast to leave her during the sonogram.
"Are you sure about this Brooke?" Dr. Martin confirmed for the second or third time.
"Positive. I know about all the risks but I guess it is my best shot, Dr." she told him confidently hoping that her decision would give her and Julian a chance because deep in her heart she knew they loved each other too much to just let it go. She knew she had hurt him too much this time with her lies and the decision he thought she had took but she would prove him that she cherishes him more than anything in her life. Maybe even more than Noah.
Brooke had really tried to let Julian know about her decision but in the past two weeks it had been impossible to talk to him. A few days after the sonogram he had traveled to Wilmington as she already expected. Nat and Isabel had been calling her non-stop and though they avoided to talk about Julian and wanted only to know about her and the baby she still knew how devastated he was. But today he was coming over to take the rest of his belongings and she hoped that they would finally take all the amends they needed to do.
When she arrived from the hospital with Lucas, Julian was almost done with his packing. He tried to be civil and even nice to her but the pain was still too evident.
"Brooke, Lucas" he politely told them as he collected some of his things in the living room such as his family frames and some of his DVD's barely looking at the duo.
"Julian" Lucas said in the same tone while he helped Brooke to seat and it took Julian's attention. She was clearly not well and it worried the raven haired man more than he was willing to show. She seemed pale and too weak and he had to look away to avoid the thoughts that had populated his mind for the past two weeks.
"I guess that's all, I'm going to leave" he told leaving part of the things he was going to take behind. He had to leave. He wanted to ask her what was wrong but the prospect of the answer was too painful so he rather ran.
"Do you think we could talk before you leave?" she talked for the first time and her voice just confirmed his suspicious. It was raspier than usual and it seemed like she had to make a lot of effort to actually utter those words.
"What's there to talk Brooke?" he didn't sound angry but defeated and impatient at the same time.
"Lucas, please, leave us alone" Brooke asked her friend.
"No Brooke, you need to rest, you had a hard day today. Why don't you come later, Julian?" he told to one brunette and then turned to the other.
"Please Lucas, if I need you, I'll call you. I'm okay" she pleaded and he only nodded leaving the room not before kissing her head.
"The boy that nearly destroyed your life can be here for you. You can forgive me but you can't forgive me?" he busted as he saw the caress between the brunettes.
"He cheated on you, Brooke. He wasn't there for you when you needed. I tried to be there for you, I tried to do everything for you but you wouldn't let me and now you just receive him in your house with arms wide open and yet you refuse to see me unless you have a gynecologist appointment!"
"He is my friend" Brooke retorted defending the only friend she had in that moment. She had refused to let Haley know about everything that was going on while Nathan was living something so special and that he had worked so hard to.
"He wants you! He is here to have a chance with you again" he yelled though he knew it was true and even if it was Brooke wouldn't give in but his jealous was somewhat uncontrollable.
"Whatever he wants at least he won't yell at me! He will accept whatever I can give to him" she didn't even know why she was making that conversation about Lucas when what she had to talk to him was much more important.
"How am I supposed to react if you won't let me be around you? If you won't let me be around my baby! I don't want to have five minutes with him while we are in a doctor's office. He is my son too. I want him to know my voice and I want to talk to him but you won't let me get around you. You only have crumbs to me while you serve a fucking feast to him" his voice had lowered but was still loud.
"I don't own you anything other than let you be part of the baby's life. Once he is born you will have your share of time with him alone. Sorry if I can't detach him from me for you to talk to him because it is hard for me!!!!! Do you think it's easy to do not have you around? Do you think it's easy to have you caressing my belly and kissing it like you used to do knowing that you are only around because of the baby?" she cried and while her voice now seemed stronger than before her whole frame seemed even weaker.
"I'm around because of you, Brooke!!!! Why can't you understand? I did nothing but be there for you every step of the way but you wouldn't let me get close to you. You wouldn't talk to me, you would have sex when I tried to have an adult conversation with you. You prohibited me of going to the oncologist with you. You kicked me out of your life but kept me under your roof so you could satisfy your sex cravings! You used sex to shut me up as if I wasn't good enough to be your husband, but only your toy boy. How do you think I feel? I almost screwed my career because of you and how I was paid back? You shut me out and brought him to live with you. Damn it Brooke all I want is to be with you. If it ever comes to a decision when things get nasty and someone comes to me, I would save you. If I had to choose between the baby and you I would choose you. I don't even need to think about it because I love you more than anything else." Julian looked deep in her eyes but seeing nothing but a dull expression "All I want is you" he sat at the couch in front of her and burying his head on his hands he cried seeing the teardrops hitting the floor.
Brooke was motionless in her position. Julian had said all the right words and she just wanted to say something back. She just wanted to confess how much she wanted and needed him. But she couldn't. She was physically incapable of formulating sentences and taking all strength she had left she murmured his name "Julian…" the sharp pain in her chest intensified and the air seemed to do not reach her lungs.
Julian looked up to see her with her hand over her heart and the same dull expression but he could clearly see that now she was having trouble to breath.
"Brooke, what happened?" he jumped from his position and reached for her. She was white as paper and in no time she fell in his arms. "Brooklyn" he cried holding her motionless body.
After a five seconds shock he was calling 911 and explaining what happened to Brooke.
"Lucas!!!!!!" he yelled and in no time the blond was in the living room.
"What happened?" Lucas asked desperately as he seen Julian compressing her chest.
"They think she had a heart attack. It is my fault, it is my damn fault" Julian cried while he breathed out in her mouth a few times and come back to massaging her chest.
"Let me do it" Lucas told Julian but he ignored "I have a heart condition. I've already had three heart attacks to date so I guess I know better how to deal with it" he reasoned and Julian let go of her body.
Lucas indeed seemed much practiced in the procedures than Julian. Surely he couldn't do it to himself while he was unconscious but his family had made CPR training after his last arrest a little over than a year ago. While he massaged the chest of girl he had loved Julian sat on the floor sobbing violently.
Lucas was still working on her chest when the paramedics invaded her penthouse. It had taken them nearly five minutes to make it to her house. It was a good think that it was past the rush of New York rush on Mondays but seeing them trying to reanimate her and yelling things he couldn't understand was just more than he could take so he cried.
AN: Well guys, sorry for the delay. There is no big reason behind it except that I really didn't feel in the mood to write. I write these stories because they are a pleasure to write but from the moment writing had become a burden, I couldn't bring myself to actually write but I know it is not fair with all of you that invested your time reading and reviewing these stories so here I am. I am going to complete this one and even Stockholm that I just started, just give me a bit more time.
This chapter didn't change because of my mood. Actually it did but not in the way that you may be thinking now. It is a shocker, I know – and I love it – and all the hints were small up to this moment. I commented in one of my previous AN that both Julian and Brooke would get bad news, I mentioned Lucas and in the last chapter we could see the first signs of what Brooke would do if things got ugly. Nothing new by the way. She always shuts herself when things are bad. The only change that actually happened is that it would probably take two chapters or three to get from Valentine's day to the day she almost died but as writing is not my forte lately, I decided to only report the facts concisely instead of writing them. If it seemed rushed I am sorry about it because I am not sure how much time would actually take me to finish this story if I did it the other way around. This is the destination that I had chosen ever since I had that lack of ideas by the time they got together and that I thought about ending the story there. The whole cancer during her pregnancy was the plot that I came out with by the time and ever since them all I had to do was to develop the ideas. Portions of this chapter and the following two are written for weeks. The key moments actually because I already knew where I wanted it to lead so I just had to fill the facts in the between :)
I hope that you enjoyed this sad and dramatic chapter and I couldn't help but let the cliffhanger :)
I know I have no rights to ask because of my delay but I would really appreciate some reviews to know how you feel about this twist, especially to know how would you feel about possible fatalities.
Thanks for my dearest reviewers: cheerychris; Grace; Mary Garland; Satcher; sb1218; Artemi; NicoleDavis92x; haleydavisbaker and Katie.
Talk to you soon, Babi.