Defiance
The Lightning Strike – Snow Patrol
"How do we get in? If the barrier is blocked, how can we get there?" James was asking frantically. They were trying to be as unnoticeable as possible, but it was difficult with the families of Muggle-born students hovering, terrified, as they searched for their children.
A number of families with younger students had escaped; it was the older ones who had chosen to stay behind and fight. The guard positioned near the entrance to Platform 9 ¾ had been the one to notify the Auror office, and news of the attack had spread from there. A few Aurors had gotten inside and assisted families in escaping, but only five had been inside the barrier when it was destroyed. The rest, including Alastor Moody and Frank Longbottom, were doing their best to repair the entrance and remove the apparition jinx the Death Eater's had set up.
"Potter… Senior," said Moody, addressing James' father, though James turned to listen. "Isn't there a connection between the offices? The floo or-"
"The Floo is closed during the school year, but we can send a message to open it. Mind you, they might have it blocked by something, but that doesn't mean we couldn't get through," said Ambrose, walking past a group of people and toward a fireplace. Moody barked orders at a few other Aurors who followed, along with James and Sirius.
"Boys-"
"Don't even try to stop us from coming," James snarled. "It's not just - our friends are there too," he explained, looking at his father.
"I was going to suggest that you try and help the others repair the barrier while we get the Floo portal open. If anything else, we could blast through the wall connecting the platforms," his father explained. "I'll yell for you as soon as we get it open."
"But-"
"James, they need help. You two are probably better at transfiguration then the lot of them," he explained, giving them an all-too-knowing look. "That's what it's going to take."
James acquiesced, running back toward the area where the barrier lay with Sirius hot on his heels. They vaguely registered the arrival of Dumbledore who strode instantly over to where Moody was and began waving his wand in complex patterns.
"He'll have it open in no time," Sirius said, watching as James tried his best to assist the team trying to repair the barrier.
"Not quick enough," James muttered, waving his wand in the same motions as the Aurors.
J&L&J&L
Lily coughed, sputtering and spitting out the dust that clouded her lungs. She still felt weak from being tortured, but this might be her only chance to escape… so she gathered her strength and pushed herself up onto her hands and knees.
Someone grabbed her round the waist and threw her into the hall as they ran away from what had turned into a series of continuous explosions. She fell against another door frame and covered her head as more glass and debris fell over her. Mulciber was gone, Malfoy was shouting something, and there were screams as people ran past her out toward the platform. Lily looked up and to her left.
Julia…
"No," she whimpered, tears streaking the dust on her face. "No, no, no, no…" the tears came relentlessly as she pulled her friend out of the path of stampeding people and into the doorway of the office. Lily's body was wracked with sobs as she shook her friend roughly, knowing it was no use. For the first time in her life, she wanted to give up. She wanted to stay here and keep Julia safe from any more harm rather than fight for her own survival. Julia always told her to run, don't fight… run. But it hadn't been in her at those times to not fight; now, suddenly, it was.
More people raced by, and Lily sat on her knees sobbing over her friend's lifeless body. Julia would be telling her to get up and run; either go and fight, or get out of there and be safe… but she couldn't do either. What about Sirius? He was going to be devastated, just as she was… and Julia's parents… And James and-
James…
"Sanford, Paxton - You two there!" a voice shouted. "Get them out! Just get them out!"
Lily gathered her energy, sitting up and looking around for the sound of the person shouting. James… he could be here, somewhere… Lily had to fight; if not for herself, for him…
Numerous figures clad in robes of deep purple raced past where she was, their wands drawn as they raced toward the fight. One of them slowed and acknowledged her.
"Go that way, you can get out onto the station… go!" he ordered, but then ran off as flashes of light lit up the short corridor.
Lily pulled together more strength, her body still aching from the effects of the curse and pulled Julia further into her arms. She was heavy, and Lily was weak… how was she going to get her out of here?
"Oh … God," a low voice muttered, full of shock and horror.
Lily looked up to see the stark white face of Sirius Black staring down at her. He fell to his knees, placing a hand against Lily's face first and then looking down, horrified, at Julia's lifeless figure.
"Sirius… I'm sorry… I-I couldn't do anything," she sobbed, her voice weak and raspy. "Mulciber was torturing me and he wouldn't stop and she was shouting… then someone came, his father… and it was over… I couldn't do-"
"Lily, you need to get out," he said, grasping her arm and trying to pull her out into the hallway.
"No, I -"
"You can't fight… you can't even stand up," he said, looking at her weak expression. Sirius examined one of Lily's legs; it was bent at a disturbing angle, but otherwise she seemed to be in one piece. Alive… breathing… unlike the still figure she was clutching as though her life depended on it.
"You have to get out of –"
"What about Remus and Peter? What about-"
"Lily - get up!" Sirius shouted, grabbing her roughly and pulling her into the hall. "James!"
A pair of long arms wrapped around her, and Lily breathed in the familiar woodsy scent of her reason for living. Her muscles relaxed slightly at his touch. James fell to his knees and she leaned into him; his face was also white, though he seemed relieved beyond relief at the sight of her.
"Oh, God," James whimpered, his eyes falling on Julia's figure.
Lily sobbed. "I couldn't-"
"You couldn't do anything, Lily," Sirius said, shoving her further into James' arms. "Just go… we're just getting everyone out and then sealing-"
"I'm sorry," she sobbed, allowing James to support her. "I'm sorry… I-"
"Just… shut up and get out of here," Sirius barked as he and James began to lift her to her feet. Lily paused and then began to struggle.
"Wait-"
"Lily, we've got to go," said James, his voice cracking. "He's-"
"No, we can't-"
"Lily-"
"NO!" she shouted, pulling free of James' grasp and pushing Sirius away from her. She grabbed onto Julia's lifeless form and attempted to lift her up. Lily groaned in frustration; she seemed to be unable to stand, but she tried in vain to gather Julia's body up and drag her down the hall towards escape regardless of whatever was wrong with her. Sirius sobbed once, and then pushed her hands away gently.
"Lily… there's nothing-"
"I should have done more; I should have-"
"There's nothing you could do," Sirius groaned, his voice breaking as he tried to control himself. "And there's nothing you can do now. She w-… she wouldn't want you to-"
"I'm not leaving her!" Lily shouted, her voice cracking as tears spilled over her eyes and down her cheeks. "I'm not leaving her here so Voldemort or whoever can take her and … and… and I don't know what he's doing with all these bodies but I don't want her to be a part of it!" she screeched.
Sirius groaned, recalling the news reports and rumors about Voldemort using Inferi... The idea was grotesque, but when it included someone he loved, the only girl he loved…
He nodded and helped James get Lily to her feet, then leaned down and picked up Julia over his shoulder. They hurried to the end of the hall, where a large hole had been blown through the wall that separated King's Cross from the magical platform. On the other side were a few older muggle-borns she recognized from school. They bore signs of torture and were surrounded by members of their family as they waited for their turn to go into the secluded fireplace that was alive with green flames.
"They're going to the Ministry?" she asked, leaning further into James as she tried to support herself and failed. She looked down; her left leg was bent awkwardly at the calf, but she felt very little pain. She vaguely considered writing Sam when they got out of this to have her recommend a healing charm for broken bones.
"There or other safe spots," he explained, watching as the students ahead of them vanished. The line of people disappeared and James pushed Lily forward.
"No," she insisted, looking at Sirius. "Go… you go… get her … somewhere and-"
"Go to my parent's house," James said sternly, cutting Lily off. "Just… go, Sirius!"
Sirius nodded, his face twisted with pain and anger as he pulled Julia into the fireplace and shouted the Potter's address. When the flames died down, James supported Lily and walked forward, anxious to escape.
There was a flash of light and both of them felt a rush of heat as they were pushed backward. Lily only briefly had time to see that the fireplace in front of them had been destroyed before James covered her with his body and hastily arranged a cloak around her. There was another flash of light and a loud bang; Lily felt James cower against her, covering his head with his hands as he shielded her from more debris.
"So this … this is how … clever," a rather high-pitched voice murmured. "I never knew this was here… or was it only established today? To save the 'valuable' muggle members of our society from certain death…"
James didn't say anything; he swallowed and sat up slowly, his hand locking around his wand. Lily was covered by his invisibility cloak, and he prayed – he prayed so hard - that for once in her life she stayed still and simply waited before acting.
James stared up into an ugly white face with blood-shot eyes. The skin was sunken; it clung to his cheekbones as he observed the ruined fireplace with a curious expression. His skull was covered with thin lines of hair, but it was dark as night and lay perfectly arranged. He fingered a long white wand with spindly hands, murmuring to himself as he kicked aside a few bricks and his eyes fell on James.
"Brave, brave, Gryffindors… always first in line to fight, always last to leave a battle," Voldemort mused, his thin lipped mouth curving at the corners. "Most of you are always first to die… but you seem to have a knack for escaping things, don't you… James Potter?"
James swallowed. "It's a talent I suppose."
"One of many, so I hear," Voldemort mused. "Your parents rave about you; I hear several departments within the Ministry were avidly seeking you, wishing you to become members of their staff…" Voldemort watched James, who remained unresponsive to his observation. "But you are like I am in that respect… our interests lie outside of the Ministry."
"Nothing you have interests me," James growled, his voice low and defensive.
"Are you certain? I have power… you enjoy power, I know this…" Voldemort whispered, lowering down until he was eye level with James. "You like control, to exert your power over those less… affluent… than you are. You've spent years exerting different types of power over your classmates."
"What I did… was not power," said James cautiously. "It was cowardice… and immaturity, and-"
"Then explore the power of un-cowardice! I can give you control… the control you desire; control over those less valuable than you are," Voldemort whispered. "You are valuable, James Potter… and I could show you how to channel your power to –"
"I'm not interested in anything you could show me!" snapped James, drawing his wand and attempting a hex.
Voldemort blocked it, the resounding clang as James' spell broke against his shield sent shivers through his spine. Voldemort stood up, smiling cruelly. "Are you certain?" he asked, then flicked his wand.
James hadn't even screamed for five seconds when Lily reacted. "Everte Statum!" she screeched, flicking her wand and watching as Voldemort was thrown backwards. She raised it again, pulling James' cloak off her and intending to destroy the wall behind their enemy.
A simple flick and Lily was on her back, coughing as she tried to regain the breath that had been knocked out of her. James scrambled and grasped her hand, grabbing his cloak with the other as Voldemort stood and moved closer to them.
"This is her? This is the mudblood you are so fond of that you'd put your family at risk? That you'd forsake the sacred value of your pure lineage? You wish to soil it by mating with this desecrator of magical power?" he asked in a scathing voice.
James clutched Lily tightly, noting the look of defiance on her bruised and dusty face. Neither of them responded, simply held their wands out defensively waiting for him to cast the curse that would kill them both.
"You are brave… muggle-born," said Voldemort, glancing at Lily with curious eyes. "I've heard … tales… of your power. Control at a young age, powerful hexes and spells… bravery, loyalty… you have so many qualities," he hissed. "You'd be a perfect, deceitful spy, wouldn't you?"
"I will not," Lily said, her lip quivering as James held tightly to her. He crouched and pulled her to her feet, both of them standing up to face death unafraid.
"Do not defy me," Voldemort hissed dangerously. "This is an offer you will not receive again… those who defy me do not live to repeat the tale… especially one of which I offered survival to an insignificant, worthless, mudblood."
Neither James nor Lily responded, their silence giving Voldemort his answer to the offer. He raised his wand, and Lily felt James' hand tighten around her own.
A flash of light distracted Voldemort for a tenth of a second, and that was all the time it took. At the same time, Lily and James both shouted various hexes. They rebounded off a conjured shield, hitting the wall behind them and causing dust to fly into the air. It didn't last long, but the jinxes caused enough of a distraction that James was able to grab Lily around the waist and support her as they raced toward the crowded platform.
Flashes of light lit up the area behind them, followed by a roar of anger. They didn't know if someone had come to take up their fight (if you could call it that) with Voldemort, or if he was simply infuriated that they had defied him; neither situation mattered, they kept running until they burst into the crowded area between platforms nine and ten.
There were no familiar faces as James had expected; they must have all gone to resume the fight, or were attempting to round up any Death Eater's that had remained. He looked around, the muggles in the area gasping at his and Lily's appearances. "Come on," he urged, pulling her forward into the crowd.
Lily's leg ached with the pain of each step, but she pushed herself to keep pace with James' quick pace. She knew he was half dragging her, but she attempted to support herself as much as she could. "Why can't we-"
"Anti-disapparation jinx," he explained rapidly. "They must've put one around the whole station to try and prevent any Death Eaters from escaping. I've tried… I've already tried to, but it's still active," he said, his voice shaking slightly. "We have to get out of the station."
Looking for the shortest way out, James pulled Lily in the direction of a service door that he knew led to the outside. As soon as they reached it, a flash of red light hit the door above his head and showered them with sparks. Lily gasped and began firing hexes at a pair of cloaked figures that were racing toward them.
"Come on!" James shouted, tugging her into the door way and flicking his wand to lock it behind him. There was a window that led outside, Lily was already hobbling toward it and used her wand to shatter the glass and remove the shards.
James lifted her and pushed her through, hoisting himself after her as they both tumbled onto the sidewalk. "Are you all right?" Lily asked, gripping James' shoulders as he helped her to stand on her good leg.
"Fine… I'm fine," he said, gripping her waist as they hobbled quickly across the street. There was a shout as the pair of cloaked figures cast another hex in their direction, but as soon as they were on the opposite sidewalk Lily felt James twist and was sucked into compressing darkness.
The pressure ceased and she felt herself collapse on to the ground. It was quiet, the trees were rustling in the light breeze; it was a soothing sound, a safe sound.
"God…" James sputtered, his voice cracking as he pulled Lily into his arms and squeezed her tightly. "Are you all right? No, you're not all right, that's stupid of me to even ask… your leg is broken and you've been tortured for how long and-"
"James… are we safe?" asked Lily, her voice weak and trembling. She scanned the area and saw James' mother running out the door over to them; Sirius was following along with Remus, Peter, and the familiar faces of Marlene McKinnon and Professor McGonagall.
"We're safe," he said in a voice filled with relief. Lily felt herself being lifted and carried inside the house. She saw Lindsay Potter hugging her son and screeching something about how she should have gone with them. Sirius embraced James briefly, asking him what happened, but then not waiting for a response as he ran across the room. Lily felt dizzy and disoriented, there was so much action around her she felt like she was back in the battle again…
Someone approached and she screamed as they cast a charm to repair her broken leg; the pain was momentary, and then Marlene set to wrapping it carefully in a bandage. James was still holding onto Lily with one arm, trying to keep pace with the rapid fire questions being shot at him. Lily began to drift, she heard the arrival of more people and James being further interrogated about their confrontation. She lifted her head to help him respond, but her eyes fell on the Potter's smaller sofa and her heart began to ache.
Julia was lying curled on her side, wrapped in a blanket as her mother sat by her head stroking her blonde hair. Her father was standing by her, his head hung and his posture defeated. Lily looked away, a wave of guilt washing over her as tears poured from her eyes. She felt James release her as he was pulled away to talk, but then another figure sat down by her side.
"You're all right?" asked Sirius, his voice wobbly and full of defeat.
"No, I'm not," she said, leaning into his shoulder as tears poured down her cheeks. "I'm not all right."
Lily felt Sirius nod, his body sinking heavily into the cushions. She reached out a hand and he took it, giving it a light squeeze before he put his arm around her and hugged her tightly. "You will be… we… we'll be all right," he whispered, voice thick with tears.
J&L&J&L&J&L
The food on the table was so elegantly arranged it almost didn't look real. James stared at it, feeling simultaneously hungry enough to eat everything including the table cloth, and utterly sick to his stomach. This had been his feeling for days, or at least the only one he could label.
Sirius was standing near him, watching people wander past with teary faces and somber expressions. His posture was off; Sirius always carried himself with pride, his back straight and head held high. And though he was standing up to the full extent of his height, James thought he looked weighted down. Like someone had attached weights to his chin and shoulders, making it hard to hold them up the way he was trying. It was an obvious struggle; James watched Sirius' eyes dart nervously toward the door… up the stairs… out the window. He knew he was trying to plan an escape.
I should say something, James thought to himself. But the words wouldn't come. It was as though he had no words, like he was detached from the happenings around him. He vaguely remembered watching part of a Muggle-film once on a television when his parents had taken him shopping in London. The pictures moved, he felt emotions and reacted to their actions, but he remained outside of the story; detached, an observer… He looked at Sirius, feeling like an observer, unable to help, unable to find the right words to say…
"Mate, stop it," Sirius said in a low voice, sounding mildly amused despite the wetness in his eyes. "You look like a goldfish."
"W-what?" stuttered James, his voice thick from lack of use.
"You keep… opening and closing your mouth, like you're going to say something and then nothing comes out," Sirius explained. "It makes you look like a fish."
"Oh… sorry."
Sirius sighed. "I wish someone would tell me what to do," he muttered.
James nodded, wishing for the same thing. They watched as Remus approached, Peter following sheepishly behind him. Both assumed flanking positions at James and Sirius' sides, trying (but failing) to appear strong and supportive.
"Moony," Sirius whispered, "Tell me what to do."
"What?"
"You were a Prefect for three years, and not once did you order me to do something. You always suggested things, but never an order. Order me around… tell me what to do."
Remus swallowed. "Oh… erm… I don't-"
"Just … make something up."
"All right," Remus said, scratching his head and looking around nervously. "Um… pick up the… pick up the plates and cups and… bring-bring them to the kitchen. Yeah… that's something."
"Can't," muttered Peter, "Lily's already doing that."
"Oh, right…"
Remus looked at Sirius, who had begun to fidget nervously with the pendant around his neck. "Someone drop a dung bomb or … something… do something distracting… I can't stand this," Sirius barked in a low voice.
Almost as if on cue, Lily walked into their line of sight. She was bustling about, very rapidly, grabbing plates and cups off of tables and out of people's hands. James' mother was watching her from across the room, a sad expression on her face. James himself was a little startled by how she was moving; it was frantic, as though she wasn't completely in control of her actions.
Lily walked past the boys, not saying a word, and into the kitchen; five seconds later she reappeared, and began to look around for something to do. She straightened the pillows on the couch, rearranged the curtains, the flowers people had brought… she adjusted picture frames and plates of snacks… then she adjusted her hair, and her skirt. She ran out of their sight into the bathroom to fix a stray strand of hair… then she ran back and began readjusting the plates of snacks.
"Is… is this how she acted after her mom died?" asked Peter, giving James a curious look.
"Er… no," said James. "She was… well she was a lot calmer and… maybe this is how you act after a … f-friend dies," he muttered, watching Lily with a pained expression. She was still limping a little, her broken leg had been mended magically in two seconds, but complete healing took a few weeks.
"She's just being helpful," said Remus, biting his lip and looking for someone to confirm is observation. "Isn't she? It's helpful… though I'm not sure how helpful re-arranging the pictures is…"
"That's how I feel," said Sirius suddenly, his eyes widening and his body relaxing slightly. "That's exactly how I feel… she must be acting for both of us, because I don't have the energy to do that…"
Sirius looked at James, watching his pained expression as he helplessly stared at his girlfriend. He knew James was hurting too; he was hurting because Julia was gone, for he had been her friend as well… but he was hurting more for Sirius, and for Lily, and for all the people in the room… Sirius knew James was fighting with himself, wondering if he should stay and support Sirius, or if he should go and help Lily. But he didn't know how to support Sirius, and he didn't know how to help Lily; so he stood, opening his mouth and closing it, looking like a fish.
Sirius realized with a start that, in addition to the pain, James felt helpless. James hates feeling helpless, thought Sirius. I hate feeling helpless…
"You should… you should go and stop her," said Sirius quietly, nudging James with his elbow. "She's distracting herself, yes… but she can't keep doing that," he advised wisely, a small smile crossing his face as Lily climbed onto a chair and began to fix a curtain that was off centered.
"Yeah… I'll… I'll go…" he muttered. "Yeah…"
Lily stepped off the chair, wiping her hands on her black skirt. She looked nice, but not in the same way she usually did. Her shirt was a dark grey and covered with black lace, the skirt she was wearing was down to her knees and fitted slightly against her figure. And she had on heels. Lily never wore heels, she hated them - she said they made her trip. Perhaps this was why she was limping, thought James as he made his way across the room. He paused and then placed a hand on her back.
"Oh… hi," she whispered, her face flushed as her eyes moved to his trainers. "It's quite warm in here, don't you think? Do you think I should do a cooling charm, or get a fan? Do you think I should open the windows? Julia's mum is so busy with everything, do you think I should help her?"
James swallowed. "I think… I think you should take off your heels, and sit down on the couch for a bit."
"Oh, no, I don't need to sit," insisted Lily, shaking her head. "I'm fine… I need to help out and-"
"Lily," said James firmly, "you don't need to help out. The dishes are clean, the plates are put away, and all the picture frames are straight. Sit down, love… take off your heels before you trip."
Lily's expression flashed for a moment, she looked at James and then it softened as she acquiescingly sat down on the sofa and removed her shoes. She moved to run her hands through her hair, but then stopped when she realized it was pulled up into a tight plait. She began to fidget with her fingers, twisting them nervously; James sat next to her on the couch and took her hands into his lap.
She sighed, her eyes flickering around the room for a moment… then she softened, her head resting against James as her shoulders drooped, and the frenzy with which she had been moving seemed to fall out of her body like a stack of books tumbling over.
"How's your leg?" asked James, searching for something to talk about.
Lily shrugged. "It's sore… I put a concealing charm on it, the bruise is ugly."
"It'll go away," assured James.
"I love you," she whispered.
James sighed, leaning his head against hers as he squeezed her hands. "I love you."
"This is awful," she muttered. "It's awful for me, and for Sirius, and for Julia's parents and you and… everyone."
James opened his mouth, and then closed it. He sighed heavily, his silence agreeing with Lily's observation. He fumbled around for words, something profound that would make her feel better. Why hadn't Dumbledore said something? He always had a way of saying things that made everything seem all right… and his parents. Why hadn't they said anything? Someone should be able to make it stop, thought James. We can break down walls and create fire from nothing… we can turn water into wine, but I can't cast a spell that will make everything all right again…
"James… you can't, and no one expects you too," Lily whispered quietly.
"Did I say that out loud?"
"Yes, you did… but it's all right."
"Oh… sorry. I… don't want to say that. I don't want to say 'I'm sorry' because you already know I'm sorry… and you know that I'm…I'm sad… everyone is sad… but I'm sad," mumbled James, the words tumbling out of him like some type of verbal regurgitation. "You are sad, and Sirius is sad… you're miserable. I want someone to tell me what to do, or what to say… I want someone to tell me… tell me how I should feel, Lils, tell me what to do… please."
"I can't, James… I don't even know how I should feel," she confessed. "And I don't think there's a guideline for how to act or what to do in these situations."
"Is it sick - is it sick that I'm… there's a part of me that's… relieved?" James asked in a very low whisper. "Is it completely wrong, and selfish, and horrid of me to be thankful that… that it… that-"
Lily sniffed, burying her face against his shoulder. "That it wasn't me?" she asked, watching as James nodded, tears welling up in his eyes. "It's not wrong… I think it's… human. I thought the same thing… and I feel horrible-"
"Don't," said James, placing one hand into her hair and kissing her forehead. "You shouldn't feel terrible. She… Julia wouldn't want you to…"
"She didn't want anyone to… she…" Lily sniffed and shook her head, unable to talk about Julia and how she would feel right now. "How… how's Sirius?"
James looked up and over at his friend, watching Sirius talk with Julia's parents. Mrs. Tottleham had her arm wrapped around his waist, almost as if she was holding him up; and Julia's father was smiling gently as they discussed something James couldn't hear. Remus and Peter were listening as they talked, sad smiles on their faces.
"He's… he said you were acting how he felt," said James before he could stop himself.
Lily lifted her head, her gaze following James'. "When I was running around and aimlessly doing anything that came into my head?"
"Yes."
Lily sighed, the corners of her mouth lifting slightly. "Someone should stop him."
James squeezed her hand. "I can't… I can't help him. I don't know what to say or do because… because I feel guilty. I'm horrified and sad… but there's so much guilt I feel because… because you… you-"
He lost the words, dropping his head and sniffing loudly. Lily placed an arm around his waist, her other tiny hand griping his. She began to shush him softly, her lips planting soft kisses on his cheek. James felt another wave of guilt; he should be comforting her, he should be doing something – anything- to make the pain she was feeling go away…
But instead, it was Lily who was supporting him. She was the glue that was holding him together.
James heard footsteps approach, and another body sat down on the couch next to Lily. James felt her shift to make room for someone as her hand left his and threaded into Sirius' fingers. Sirius laid his head against Lily, his arm reaching around her to grip James' shoulder…
James felt helpless; the two most important people in his world had lost a friend and a lover… and they were comforting him instead of him being able to rise to the task and eradicate the pain. Tears flowed down his cheeks... he vowed to find some way, anyway, to make things right for them again… all of them.
J&L&J&L&J&L
Lily sniffed and cleared her throat; she knew it was paranoia, but she felt so much judgment in all the eyes that were watching her. It should have been her that was murdered on a platform, it should be Julia standing here about to discuss what a good friend Lily had been…
Lily didn't have the words to express how good of a friend Julia had been. But she had to try, the eyes were expecting her to at least try…
"Julia… she… she was always making these… random insightful comments, or observations. The way she looked at the world, it was like her eyes cut daggers through all the smoke and fog and saw straight through to the heart of things. And when… when she'd make these comments, she'd always follow it with the statement that she was 'more than just a pretty face.'
"Julia … Julia was definitely more than a pretty face, I think everyone here can agree with that. She was insightful, caring… loyal, brave; she was someone who could make everyone laugh, someone who saw the good in people no matter what their flaws. She pushed you… she pushed you to see the best in yourself, and to take risks. She pushed you to do things that scared you or challenged you… she pushed everyone around her to live life to the fullest because that's what she did. She didn't hold back, and she wouldn't let anyone she cared about hold back either."
Lily sniffed again, she wiped her cheeks with her fingertips and straightened herself up taller. "And if she were here right now, she'd be telling me to shut up about how great she is… she'd tell me that I should go … do something… mischievous or funny, or that I should go have a snog with my boyfriend…"
There was a light ripple of laughter through the crowd, the sound seemed to push Lily forward. "What she would not be telling me to do is standing up here and talking about how much she'll be missed, because that's completely obvious. After living with Julia as my roommate for six years and having her as my friend for longer, I know she would be saddened if I stood up here and repeated for all of you what you already know. So instead, I'm going to tell you that we… all of us… whether we were her family, friends, or more… must always remember how much light that Julia Tottleham brought into our lives. And that light… that light is something that can't be darkened simply because she's gone. It's living, and it's inside every person she touched. Let that light remind you to live, to take risks and live life to the fullest. Don't let the light fade with grief, keep it alive… and let it remind you that we… all of us… are more than just pretty faces."
Lily nodded, wiping her eyes again as she stepped away from the front of the crowd, trying to surreptitiously resume her seat without drawing too much attention. The minster ordaining the small service stepped forward and began speaking; Lily felt Julia's mother's arm around her shoulder, she felt Sirius pat her back, and she felt James take her hand in his and squeeze it tightly.
The service ended, the casket containing the body of Julia Tottleham was lowered into the ground. Numerous students stepped forward, tossing down pale pink roses to symbolize both the youthfulness and life Julia had exemplified, and the youth that they had lost. By the time everyone had tossed the roses in, the casket was completely covered. People slowly began to drift away; Dumbledore and McGonagall were talking with James' parents after they had given their condolences to the Tottleham's once more. Sirius was talking with Julia's parents, both of them hugging him tightly. Peter had apologized profusely for both her death, the grief, and finally for his need to escape the awkwardness that hung over all of them before telling James he'd see him soon and leaving hastily.
Remus was standing near Sam, both of them talking quietly and surreptitiously holding hands. Remus looked as though he wanted more, a lot more… but Lily knew he was holding back… there was fear. Not the usual I'm-Remus-Werewolf-Lupin-And-Shouldn't-Be-Allowed-To-Look-At-A-Girl-Let-Alone-Kiss-One fear, but a fear of upsetting Sirius. Remus was afraid, much like James, of making too big a show of how thankful he was that his object of affection was still living, and breathing… where as Sirius' was-
"Oi, you two," said Sirius' voice suddenly. He walked over to where Remus and Sam were standing, an amused and sad smile on his face. They dropped hands. Sam moved back, Remus moved forward, and Sirius stepped around and herded them together. Lily snorted, it was like an awkward dance between the three of them, but then her laughter faded and was replaced with a sad happiness as she listened to Sirius talk.
Sirius handed Remus a small key. "You can undo a locking charm, Moony… go… my flat doesn't have much, but it has a couch and it's secluded and private. Go… snog the buggering hell out of each other, please," he insisted with a laugh.
Remus and Sam both sputtered. "We can stay-"
"I have to go back this evening-
"If you need to leave this evening, Pitchfield," said Sirius, interrupting both of them, "that doesn't give Moony much time. So you'd best get on… go… restrict yourselves to the couch though, please… not in my bed… or lack of a bed… not on my mattress."
Everyone within earshot laughed. Sam blushed as she giggled, and Remus looked at Sirius with a happy and pained expression. "Padfoot-"
"Just… get out of here, please," Sirius muttered. "I'm serious, Moony… go."
Remus nodded. "Thanks, mate… We'll talk soon."
Sirius nodded. "Full moon."
Remus smiled, looking at Sam with a sad yet hopeful expression. She took his hand and they began to walk to the end of the Tottleham's driveway.
"You'll write to me if he howls, right Sam?" called Sirius, much to James' amusement. When Remus and Sam had vanished, Sirius rounded on Lily and James.
"And you two… I'm going to stay here for a day or so," he explained. "Then I'll … I'll come home, Prongs."
James nodded. "All right..."
"We'll stay-" Lily began, but Sirius held up his hand.
"You two will go back to Prongs'," he ordered, "And you will not shag… Sorry, Prongs… but she looks like hell. Make her take a nap… make her take like … fifteen naps. And then wake her up, feed her, and make her go back to sleep. Then maybe… maybe… whatever…"
Lily smiled, it was strained and full of pain as she stared into Sirius' face. James nodded. "All right. Just… "
"I will," Sirius replied.
James swallowed. "I'm… "
"I know, Prongs."
"You will…?"
"I will…" Sirius said in a reassuring voice. "It's mutual."
James chuckled. "All right," he muttered, walking forward and embracing Sirius. They patted each other on the back, hard… it was a boy hug, Lily thought.
Sirius sniffed as he released James and turned to Lily. He chuckled as he pulled her into a tight hug. "Keep him sane, all right?"
"I'll try… it's hard to make someone sane when they're all ready insane," she teased.
"This is true," Sirius chuckled. "I'll see you soon."
Lily nodded, squeezing Sirius as hard as she could, trying to express that she understood how badly he was hurting… but no amount of force could express it. "Keep yourself safe."
Sirius nodded, then guided Lily over to James and shoved them toward the end of the pathway. Julia's mother and father both hugged Lily and James, asking them to keep in touch and for Lily to follow her own advice. There was a bit more chatter, then they Disapparated back to the Potters.
Lily followed James inside his house and over to the couch. He sat down, lying back against the armrest and beckoning her into his arms. She snuggled into him, her head against his chest, one leg thrown over top of his hips as he held her tightly.
"How's your leg?" James asked, feeling incredibly stupid as the words came out of his mouth.
Lily laughed gently. "It's all right."
"How're you?"
Lily swallowed, snuggling closer to James and kissing his cheek. "I'm… I'm okay." She felt James nod, his arm squeezing her tighter. "How're you?"
James rolled over and pulled Lily's lips against his own. She sighed, tangling her fingers into his hair as he kissed her sweetly… it reminded her of the first time they kissed. Hungry, passionate, gentle…
And full of relief.
J&L&J&L&J&L
June ended and July rolled in; the summer was unusually cool though the sun shone brightly every day. James and Lily had moved in to their flat a week after Julia's funeral, both of them excited and slightly nervous to be living together. There were a few awkward moments, mostly involving showers and various household tasks, but their living habits meshed well and both of them seemed to be simply relieved to be together.
James did find himself spending an odd amount of time with Sirius though, for during their first few weeks in the flat, Lily had slept an obscene amount. She found it extremely odd and was very irritated with the way her body was behaving, but James insisted she give into her desire to rest. Part of him felt guilty – well, guiltier than he was feeling already when he thought of Sirius alone in his flat below them.
He felt a great amount of guilt for wanting Lily to sleep. If she was asleep, she wasn't in pain, he logicized. And though she insisted that she was doing all right, that she felt sad but was continuing as Julia would have wanted her to, James knew that her grief was eating her from the inside out. And he could do nothing about it.
"It's a process," Remus was telling him one afternoon. They were sitting at James' small table in the dining room, tea cups on the table with little cookies that Lily had made the previous day. "These are really good, she must be doing all right."
James shrugged, glancing toward the hallway. He could hear the shower running, and knew that Lily was taking her time and letting James talk. "She hasn't cried."
"Since the funeral?"
"Well, even at the funeral… she didn't cry. She teared up and … maybe sobbed once or twice, but she didn't cry," explained James. "Even when her Mum died, she spent one night crying and then she was fine. Hell, I've cried more than she has during the past month," he confessed sheepishly.
"Maybe she doesn't let you see it," suggested Remus.
"Perhaps," said James, biting his lip. "I wish she would."
"You hate it when she cries," Remus said.
"Yeah… but… I don't want her to not cry," James replied, taking another drink of his tea. They'd added a few shots of firewhiskey to it, but rather than dulling his senses, they seemed heightened much to James' dismay. "I don't want her to hide it from me… I want to be there for her."
Remus swallowed, chewing his lip thoughtfully. "You are there for her all the time; maybe she wants it to be private. Maybe she knows how you hate feeling helpless and she doesn't want to make it worse."
James nodded acquiescingly; that seemed like something Lily would do, refrain from showing him how much she was hurting so as not to make him feel helpless or uncomfortable. "I wouldn't care if she sogged up my shirt," he mumbled. "I'd be all right… she shouldn't hold it back just because I feel… useless when she cries."
"Maybe this is her way of dealing with it," said Remus. "Lily needs to be busy doing something; she doesn't like to just sit and let her emotions over run her, everyone knows this. Sam knew this and she wasn't even in our house. Lily's not a girl who cries."
"I just don't want her to hurt or … hate me … or-"
"Why would she hate you?" asked Remus curiously.
"Because I didn't get there in time to… to do something. Because I didn't… because there's a big part of me that's relieved – so relieved – that it wasn't her?" said James, ruffling his hair and giving Remus a pained expression.
Remus nodded, taking a drink from his own cup. "She wouldn't hate you for that."
"Why? She could… maybe she should."
"No, she can't," said Remus. "Because, and if she ever admits this… you tell me and I'll eat my wand, there's a part of her that's just as relieved she's still alive."
James nodded, ruffling his hair again and leaning back in his chair.
"Sam felt that way," Remus whispered.
"So did you."
They were quiet for a few moments. The shower stopped and James heard the door to the bathroom open and the door to the bedroom shut.
"How's … how's Padfoot?"
James sighed, leaning forward and tousling his hair again. "Again… I'm helpless. He's… he's all right, he's managing," said James.
Managing was the only way he could describe how Sirius was doing. The first week in his flat had been calm, though Sirius was randomly amused by the lack of furniture he had. "I have a couch, a chair and a bed. And I can't sit on the couch because Moony and Sam shagged there…" he teased when Remus, Peter and James stopped in before the full moon in late June. After that, Sirius had become strained and tense, though he tried to attribute it to very trivial things rather than addressing the real issue.
James realized fairly quickly that he knew next to nothing about actually cooking a meal or what to have on hand for groceries. Lily had laughed and assured him that she wouldn't let him go hungry. They had ordered takeaway the first few nights, and invited Sirius over for dinner after they found he was struggling with the same issue. Lily had taken them both grocery shopping one Saturday afternoon, and given them some easy recipes to try if they ever felt the urge and she was gone.
"'Course, you know I can just cook… it's all right," she had said, smiling gently. "I actually like it."
"We can figure something out… we'll make you dinner one night," said James, looking at Sirius for confirmation. He'd nodded, but looked sad and left soon after that.
Sirius had come over for dinner several times since then; in fact, he had come over for dinner practically every night. He'd been talkative at first, but grew quiet as the days passed. James also noticed that Sirius would eat second or third helpings of whatever Lily made, even if it was something completely random that he'd never had before. Lily asked James one evening if he thought Sirius was eating at all during the day.
"I'm not sure… I don't… I don't know what to do," he had told her helplessly.
She smiled, it was sad but encouraging. "You need to stop worrying about doing something," she whispered. "Just be James."
"James is supposed to be strong, cocky, and all-knowing. He's supposed to be able to fix anything and do everything on the first try; it's supposed to be effortless. James transfigured himself into a stag at age 14… he should be able to figure out how to help his grieving friend," he'd muttered.
Lily smiled and kissed his forehead. "James needs to relax. James might have done those things, but he has grown up since then and realizes that there are some things you can't fix by waving your wand."
The day before Remus came to visit, Peter had come by and visited with Sirius alone. After he'd left, stopping by for only a moment to see Lily and James, Sirius had almost seemed angry.
"He kept banging on about how he and I could do everything together now… since neither of us are… you know," Sirius explained that as he sat at the table with Lily and James. "He just kept on and on about all the things we could do. Like it was a good thing I'm single… and alone… like he was almost happy that-"
"He's not happy, Sirius," Lily said gently. "He's not… he's … he's only trying to help. Maybe he thinks that you'll feel better faster if he points out the good things about being a bachelor… or at least what he thinks are the good things."
"There's nothing good about this," Sirius grumbled. "Nothing… nothing good about the Death Eaters, nothing good about being able to fight and search for them all the time because I'm alone… and definitely nothing good about having Peter Pettigrew as my only friend."
James stiffened. "He's not your only friend, you know that."
"Well he certainly seemed to think he was," Sirius explained. "'It's just us now… they've got birds and we don't so-"
"He shouldn't have said that," said James coldly. "Remus isn't even technically with Sam since she's in France and only going to be home like once… once every three or four months… and just because … just because I'm-"
"Just because you're getting married doesn't mean I'm going to force you to give up all your friends," said Lily, filling in the blanks for James. "You know I wouldn't do that to you, or to you, Sirius."
"I know."
"Besides, I'd miss your handsome face," she teased, causing James to laugh and Sirius to smile for the first time all evening.
Later that night, after Lily had showered again (James also wondered if she used showering as an excuse to be alone to cry) she and James were lying in bed kissing hungrily. After the funeral, James had got the distinct impression that Lily hadn't wanted to be touched intimately for quite a while… but now, she was relishing in it. She arched against him, purposefully grabbing his hands and putting them places on her body that caused James' blood to rush fast and hard through his veins. He groaned as she began to tug at her clothing, pulling off her t-shirt and pressing her burning skin against his. He never wanted to leave her side ever again, for no reason… he wanted to stay with her all the time to make sure she was happy and safe and never, ever feeling any type of grief or pain. James had paused then, looking at Lily with an intense gaze and telling her in a very shaky voice that if she wanted him to give up his friends…
"I do not want that, James," she said, her eyes narrowing as she stared up at him. "I would never want that. Sirius is like a brother to you, I would never want you to shut him out just for me. Remus and Peter as well… I wouldn't ask you to do that."
"I know you wouldn't, I know," he'd said hastily, frowning as she rolled out from underneath him and sat up, running her fingers through her hair aggressively. "I just… love you so much, Lils… I don't want you to feel alone… like you don't… like-"
Lily sighed. "I don't feel lonely, James. I have Sam to write to… and once we join the order, I'll see Marlene and Alice more… it'll be fine."
"I know," he muttered, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"
"It's okay…I'm not upset, James," she said, hugging her arms and pulling her t-shirt back over her head. "Really, I'm not."
James swallowed, guilt and disappointment racing through him. "I know, I'm sorry-"
"Stop apologizing, you didn't do anything," Lily said, giving James a curious look.
"I know… I'm-"
"James, stop… stop," she whispered, pressing her fingers against his lips and shushing him before she kissed him softly. "You're so … tense. Why are you so worried about me? I'm fine, love… I'm doing all right. I'm working through things."
"I'm here, Lily," said James in desperate voice. "I'm here… if you need anything… I promise… I promise I'll be there and I'll listen… no matter what. I'll come running if you ever need me again. I wish there was a way we could just instantly contact one another if … if anything… yeah…."
Lily then snuggled into James arms, closing her eyes as he stroked her hair and held her close to him. "Nothing else is going to happen," she whispered, sounding like she was trying to reassure herself as well as him. "Nothing…"
James sighed, pulling himself out of random memories of the past few weeks and finally getting back to Remus' question. "Sirius is managing."
"How are you?" asked Remus, giving James a significant look.
James shrugged. "I'm… helplessly managing," he laughed, shaking his head and leaning back in his chair. Lily came into the dining room then, carrying a letter that made both Remus and James perk up.
"This just came," she explained, holding out the envelope which she had already opened. Just as James took it, there was a knock at their door. Remus got up and opened it, jumping aside as Sirius burst in, his expression full of purpose.
"We've been summoned to Hogwarts," he said rapidly, looking from James to Remus. "Order… they're initiating."
A/N: thank you so much for your reviews, I love reading them all and I love the feedback. I hated doing that to Julia, hated it... but things just happen sometimes. More is coming, soon... thank you all so much!