Time had flown by, he loved being on leave and staying home with Stephanie and Catherine. His wife got hotter by the day as she was determined to loose the weight she gained during the pregnancy, not that he hadn't thought she looked good pregnant. Their little girl grew too, he sometimes wondered how Catherine even had any weight left with the amount the little girl fed; she still preferred feeding from her mommy to anything else they had tried.
He stood in the doorway watching as his wife teased Stephanie; Catherine's voice was full of love. " Does baby want to eat?"
"Nonoonono." Came Stephanie's eager reply, as the breast was bared. The favourite word she learned was 'no' but once she got it they heard it; over and over. Whenever they asked her a question the little girl went off first in a string of 'no's and then a lecture in baby speak, mostly just to hear herself talk. She had picked up a few other words but they only really heard them as teases.
" Well then, I can just put this away and you can eat some more peas. What do you think of that?" Catherine made a stern face at the little one who was reaching for the exposed breast she knew to contain something yummy. With a final chuckle Catherine lifted the little girl enough to get a hold of her prize.
He watched a moment, as Catherine's face shifted, the little rascal was getting teeth and had no problem using them on her mommy; he had yet to feel them. He tried not to be a little jealous as he watched little hands kneed the breast as Stephanie fed. He had to admit Catherine with big breasts was a turn on, the fact she really only wanted Stephanie to touch them a little bit of a let down. Yet even after almost seven months of watching he still go a little shock of excitement when ever they were in a private place and she bared herself.
He justified the thought with the fact he was a guy who hadn't slept with his wife in a year. But with Stephanie they had been so busy that when they fell into bed they were both gone and before that there had been Catherine's health to worry about. Now though the thought haunted him every once in awhile, but not like it had before; now there was a clean cut reason. He knew though that Catherine was just as sexual a being as he was and she too would eventually feel the need; that would be a wonderful night. For now though he contented himself with touching her and savouring the little surprised noises she made when his weight pressed into her or his hand wandered somewhere only he was allowed.
He had over the months of first worrying for her health and then celebrating their daughter come to think of her body very much as theirs, just as he hoped she felt about his. He loved having the privilege of undressing her and knowing that sometimes she dressed just for him; almost as much as when she let his hands wander. Lou was sure he knew her body best of all, he doubted that Eddie had taken the time to find the places she liked, or that any of her boyfriends before him had spent the time mapping the noises she made when his touches were innocent; he had a feeling some of them never even learned how much Catherine did like to be touched.
A soft scolding brought his mind out of his fantasies of his wife; apparently someone had bit down a little to hard. " That is not a nice thing to do you little rascal, mommy doesn't like to be bit. You are going to be weaned before you get to many more teeth because if not you are going to make me very sore."
" C'mon Cath, its one little tooth. Let the child learn." He teased, stepping into the room and moving to where she was sitting cross legged of the floor.
"Let her learn on you, if she nips you a couple times you'll change your tune; that little tooth is meant for business." She whined, making a face at the baby who was happily sucking back on the other side.
" I don't have anything that tastes good. That's your speciality." He told her sweetly, knowing she was going to glare at him.
" Hm, can you take her for awhile? I seriously need a shower." His wife looked up at him sweetly, he gulped; he would much rather join her.
" Sure, I'll read her a story and get her down for a nap. Then lets have some time?" He hoped she would agree, she was working on something but hadn't told him what it was; he trusted she would in time.
"Definitely, in bed?" She asked with a grin, she stood and he took Stephanie who was looking rather curiously at her mother who was making a beeline for the bathroom.
" Its you and me now trouble and one of us needs a nap." He told her in a mock serious voice, her hands went to her head and the little bit of dark hair she had there.
"Nono." Came a serious reply, he laughed; she was to cute.
"Yes yes. If you are good we will read the squirrel book and I'll make the voices mommy makes." He told her, scooping her up and heading downstairs to the corner of the couch they had been trying to teach her to sit in when they read.
He plopped her down and she blew him a wet raspberry while he hunted up the book. Blowing on her stomach until she started squirming and giggling he settled down beside her. " Excuse me Missy."
Showing her the book earned him another wet raspberry and some claps, slowly he flipped through the book pointing to the animals and repeating their names in silly voices as she grabbed for the pages and pulled on his arm. Once the book was done and back on the coffee table for bed time he scooped her up.
"Time for Stephanie, that'd be you." He blew on her stomach and then settled her on his hip. "To take her nap so Daddy, that'd be me." He tweaked her nose, she was watching for what he would do next. " Can spend some time with mommy." He took the stairs quickly and walked down the hall 'air planing' her to her crib and settling her on her back; she promptly rolled over. He rubbed her back for a few moments and then headed towards his bedroom.
Carefully shutting the door he turned up the baby monitor on the dresser so Stephanie's baby chatter filtered into the room and moved towards the bed; with a Catherine sized lump in the middle. Climbing carefully on he lifted himself over until he guessed he had himself lined up above her; slowly he let his weight down to rest. He moaned, he was lined up perfectly and the thin comforter did not make him wonder about the amount of clothing she was wearing; there was very little if any.
" You feel so good." He chuckled at her voice and pinned the comforter above her head as she tried to throw it down.
" You aren't going anywhere." Keeping one arm holding her hands and the comforter he reached down and began to pull it up from the bottom. Revealing silky legs he brought the comforter up to her waist and eagerly shed his jeans and boxers; sliding his knees under her hips. He felt her arms starting to tremble, he ducked under the comforter and slide up her body; throwing the top half down.
There was a hunger in her eyes he hadn't seen in a long time, deliberately and slowly he went for his favourite spot, watching her eyes darken in anticipation. He nibbled her neck, she arched beneath him, he was home the scent of his wife and her warm body reacting to him.
Slowly he made love to her, taking the time touch and kiss her as they both found release; as she came down he rolled them. Keeping his hips pressed firmly into hers so as not to loose the splintering connection. He felt her arms come around his neck as her head came to rest in the crook of his shoulder; her words tickled his skin. " I missed that."
" I did too. I love you." One hand slid from her hip up to the small of her back. She felt so good pressed against him.
" I think Stephanie is asleep, I hope she will sleep awhile and wake up for supper; she can stay up a little longer after. I want to stay here." She was craning her neck back and there was a smile curling at her lips; he leaned in and kissed her softly.
" Mhm, agreed. I can't believe I have to go back to work next month. Being home has flown by with you and Steff." He sighed, he did not want to think about that, but it would get her onto the topic of work and his curiosity was getting the best of him; knowing right now she would tell all.
" Are you really going to call her Steff now? Let her figure out what her name is before you shorten it. Don't think about work right now." She mumbled, their lips still semi locked.
"I like Steff, its cute. I will try but once she knows her name I'm shortening it; I know what it means." He turned his face from her, nuzzling her neck.
" It means life, innocent and new; it means hope." He heard a slight desperation in her voice, the first had struck home.
" It is also a memory, Catherine it is hope for your best friend; that someone will remember her. Someone will learn who she was, not of what she did. You can tell our little girl how brave she was, how she was strong and determined. How she defined you and made you who you are; made you a woman who could reach out." He pulled a string he knew others had been pulling since this started; it was in between the words she said when she told him if it was a girl her name had to be Stephanie.
" You aren't going to start on that too are you? I don't want to hear it any more, I'm thinking about it and some of it I see and some I don't. All I have ever done is my job and now I don't know how to do that. Lou it doesn't feel right now, it feels like there's something more." Suddenly her tone took something more, he had found the spot.
"I'm not going to start, Catherine I want you to follow your dreams. If you think there is something more then go for it. I want you to be happy, just talk to me." He asked, slowly pulling himself away, she let out a soft whimper as their connection slipped away; he felt the same. Carefully he rolled her and pulled her back, she snuggled into him pulling the pillow under her head.
" I never thought about any of it, I just did what I wish someone had done for me. I figured if for a few people I could be strong maybe there would be a reason for the pain I dealt with. But it became deeper than that.
When I saw a case I saw a family, people who were lost and who needed someone. The words we offer meant nothing to them, we don't even really care; we are desensitized. Its not just us either, every single profession that deals with death does it. No one gets real closure, no one knows what it is any more. People come to it on their own if they ever do. No one does anything about it. We just quick step around it and get past that part to get on with what we can do. They really don't need the person caught as much as they need someone to care about their loved one, to listen and sympathize and feel. They don't need a grief consular or victims services to tell them its all going to be okay, that its normal or any other bull, they need something more; I don't know.
I just know there is more,I've felt it when I lost Stephanie and Holly and Warrick. I talked to the grief counsellor and it did nothing, tried to talk at work to people I could see struggling and you know what I don't think I really realized it until now, but we cant deal with our own grief. We teach ourselves it is wrong, our job tells us we shouldn't or something; we push it back until it haunts us into retirement." The edge in her voice made his arms tighten around her; she had hit a nail on the head. He felt it too, he saw it in the department in a way; not clearly. But he could think back to times when they had lost officers and how everyone handled it. There were more fights, no one talked, the joking camaraderie they usually had went into non existence; the department was his little family. It would be the same in the lab, the same in any other work place at least to a degree; and much worse in a family.
He lay quietly thinking about it, she had said it very clearly and he knew where she was coming from. He also had a feeling what she expected him to tell her, even if she was trying to hide it; she expected to hear what she always did. No, just stick with what you're doing and leave that alone. But that wasn't what he wanted to say, he wanted to say he would support her and be there no matter what. He just didn't see exactly where she wanted to go, he had a feeling she didn't really know yet either. It was just how to tell her to go for it when he didn't know exactly what she was going for.
They lay together quietly for a long time, he kept her close, trying to silently tell her he just didn't know what to say but it was not no. He had no problem with her having dreams or plotting a new course, in a way he was glad it didn't sound as if she wanted to go back to the lab. He liked the freer Catherine that had emerged, it was a side he hadn't known when he first began to see her; then at that time he hadn't known much other than she was a warm body. He wanted her to dream and he was proud that she dreamed for others.
Stephanie's piercing cry told them that their baby was up. Catherine groaned, shifting in closer to him; she was comfortable. Lifting his head he glanced at the clock, it was definitely time to get up. Gently he kissed her cheek, trying to be slow about a process she wouldn't like.
"We gotta get up Cath, but later I want to hear more. I'm so proud of you." He reassured her gently, wishing he had the words to encourage her. He saw a smile break across her face as she slipped towards the other edge of the bed, heading to the dresser.