A/N: Hey guys, yet another reader content chapter! Yipee! I'm not turning into Attack of the Cliches or anything, with only reader chapter... but hey, it's hilarious!
This one comes from PrettyPinkBookWorm. Hurrah!
Bella Gets a Puppy
One day Jacob was moping around.
"Woe is me, Bella is not mine."
He met Leah, who was also moping.
"Woe is me, Sam is that witch Emily's."
Together they moped.
when suddenly, Jacob had an idea.
"Leah, since we're both alone, why don't we get together?"
Leah raised eyebrow
--insert smutty sex scene--
-nine months later-
Leah is running around in her wolf form, totally unaware of anything amiss.
Stupid Sam...mother cheated...who's the real brother...-other usual
shallow-Leah thoughts-
What is this? I'm going into labor! -puppy pops out, because, you know,
that's exactly how it happens-
"Crap, screwing Jacob might not have been the best idea."
Leah looked down at the little baby puppy/wolf, seeing that it looked a lot
like Jacob.
Figures.
Change, you little dork, she thought to her puppy/wolf. Nothing
happened.
She started getting ticked. Only alive for a couple of minutes and the thing
was already being rebellious.
Crap genes.
I SAID CHANGE! MORPH! BECOME HUMAN SO I CAN TAKE YOU HOME!
...nothing happened.
Crap.
Leah sighed. This is what she got for getting pregnant. Not knowing what to
do and extremely exasperated with her child, she grabbed him in her mouth and
ran back to the reservation.
-----Page Break-----
"Billy, I tell you, the thing won't change. I don't know if it even can."
Leah sighed. Was she the only rational person on the reservation? When she had
explained the predicament to Jake he had immediately freaked and lead her to
Billy, who was simply staring at the puppy/wolf with wide eyes.
"Are you meaning to tell me...that that puppy/wolf is my GRANDSON?"
Leah rolled her eyes.
"Yes. And being annoying. If he doesn't change I don't want him." Jake
continued to stare down at his son.
"Well," Billy tried to regain control, "I suppose the only thing to do is
call a doctor. And there's only one that specials in mythical creatures in the
immediate area, so I guess we'll have to go with him."
"His rates better not be to high," Leah moaned.
-Carlisle magically appears-
"Hello Dr. Fang," Jacob threw out unoriginally.
Leah picked up her puppy/wolf and handed him to Carlisle.
"What is this? I'm not a veterinarian." stares up at sky "Why do authors
always just assume things...and after just poofing me in like that..."
"He's our child," Leah explained. "And he won't do anything. Can you help."
Carlisle stared down at the puppy/wolf in horror, then back up at Leah and
Jacob.
"Well," Carlisle began, darting another look up at the two new parents, "What
exactly do you mean by 'won't do anything."
Billy jumped in. "Apparently he won't phase."
Carlisle face was immediately grim.
"What!" Billy and Jacob gasped simultaneously. Leah continued to stand with
her arms folded.
"There is a possibility that the chil-pupp-wo-uh, offspring will never phase
into a human."
-le gasp-
Billy's eyes widened in horror. Jacob put his hand on the table.
"So what are we supposed to do with it?" Leah asked.
"W-well," Carlisle stuttered, "I assume you would treat it like any other
puppy/wolf. Play fetch, teach it to sit, and just enjoy it's company."
Leah glared. "So you mean now I have to take care of it? Like a pet?"
"Leah!" Billy exclaimed. "This is your child."
Leah thought for a moment. "Yeah, but I don't want it if it's just going to
be like any other dog."
Carlisle eyes grew ever wider. "I guess that the um...offspring could go to
you Jacob. You are, after all, the father."
Jacob immediately began to shake his head. "No, no, no. No. I'm not
looking after a puppy. And if it was a kid...do you know how much I'll get
teased for this?"
Billy looked hopeless.
"I guess I could take it off you're hands," Carlisle offered, surveying the
three faces before him.
"Sure," Leah agreed, and thrust the puppy into Carlisle's arms.
Carlisle carefully held the puppy/wolf. "Are you sure? You do realize that
you are giving sole custody of-"
"Just take him already."
---------Page Break!---------
"Bella, I have a rather...interesting surprise for you," Carlisle announced
as he entered the door of his mansion.
"Oh, what is it, what is it?" squealed Bella, OOC as usual.
"A puppy!"
"Aww, I've always wanted a puppy! Look Edward, isn't he cute?" Bella held out
the puppy Carlisle had given to her.
Edward wrinkled his nose.
"He smells awful."
Bella frowned. "Don't be mean." She held the puppy close.
"I shall call him Squishy and he shall be my Squishy and he shall be mine."
-16 or so years later-
"CARLISLE CULLEN WHAT IS A CONFUSED WEREWOLF DOING IN OUR LIVING ROOM AND
WHERE IS SQUISHY?"
The end.