38

Jack wished with all his heart that he had let him die. It was selfish of him to make him live. The pain in his eyes was worse than the pain he had experienced when he was shot. This was emotional pain that could not be treated with surgery or pain pills.

This was something he'd have to live with, forever. He could feel the waves of panic and despair wafting up from his soul. And he shared them.

Ianto got up and sat in a chair by the bed, a tiny scrap of material in his hand that Jack knew was the handkerchief he had placed in that hand while Ianto was in the coma. His Mama's lace hanky for luck. Ianto squared his shoulders "Okay, let's get this over with."

Jack stepped up behind him. He couldn't lift his arms to take his hand, so he put one hand on each of Ianto's shoulders, massaging gently. He untied the hospital gown. The doctor pulled it down and laid it across his lap. His chest was swathed in bandages and thick gauze. Slowly and gently the doctor cut away the tape. After a while, the only thing that was left was a huge square of medicated gauze that covered him from below his collarbone to just above his pubis.

The doctor said, "There's a thick coating of gooey medicine on your skin to keep it from becoming infected and to keep it soft. We'll switch you to regular ointment now, so it won't be so greasy. I recommend that you continue to keep it covered with gauze for a while until the skin toughens up a little. We'll give you a brush you can start using soon to keep the blood flow moving and to toughen it up, but it will be very soft and tender for a long time. You've lost a lot of muscle tone from being in bed, so to you it will feel flabby. Don't worry about that. Once you get back to training all that muscle will come back except the pecs."

He nodded and made an impatient gesture with his hands. "Take it off."

Jack watched him as he looked down at his chest. It looked like someone's back, completely smooth with no nipples and no navel. Jack managed not to gasp. He momentarily paused in his comforting massage, then he resumed, slowly and with increasing force to help reassure him as the doctor wiped the Vaseline-like ointment off with a towel.

Ianto was quiet for a long time. "What do the scars on the rest of my body look like?"

The lady with the prosthetic devices had a large mirror. Ianto stood up and dropped his robe and hospital gown. he stepped away from the pile of tape and bandages and stood nude turning around, looking at himself in the mirror.

Jack stared at his body, which he thought was still a thing of beauty, albeit like a cracked vase. The scarring on his back was noticeable but was healing nicely. His butt looked smooth. Other than his chest hair, Ianto's body had been rather boyish before. Now it looked completely boyish, fit and trim, and curvy in all the right places except the chest.

Ianto turned back around and cocked his head, with a question in his eyes, "My butt wasn't that tight before. What did you do?"

The surgeon looked a little sheepish, "Well, your glutes are amazing, but your skin was beginning to sag a little, as skin does when it ages. When we took the skin off we did a little nip and tuck here and there, so when the skin grew back it would not sag."

Jack could see Ianto's body begin to shake. He thought he was going to cry. Instead Ianto threw his head back laughed, saying, "So I'll have no nipples or belly button but I'll have the arse of a twenty year old."

The surgeon said, "Something like that. We didn't think you would mind. You obviously take great care of your body."

Ianto stepped closer to the mirror and looked at his chest, pursing his lips, "Could you make me a belly button and maybe nipples?"

The surgeon said, "Definitely a navel. Nipples may be more problematic, again because we're reluctant to use foreign tissue, for reasons of rejection."

The prosthetic lady said, "Most of our products come with nipples."

Ianto chuckled and the doctor asked what was funny. He pointed to a mole on his stomach. "That used to be on my butt."

He smiled at the plastic surgeon, "You did a really good job."

"We did the best we could." The doctor blinked back tears. "You have a beautiful body, and we hated to damage it so."

Ianto nodded, "I suppose that, given the alternative, this is fine."

he studied his body in the mirror for several long seconds. Then sighed softly, rubbing his face with his good hand. Jack continued to stare at his body and absorb the pain that was now radiating like heat from his soul. He was surprised to discover that he still found him beautiful. More than anything, he wanted to take him into his arms and prove to him that he was still attracted to him.

Ianto turned to him and met his eyes. Without looking at the doctors, he said, "Please leave us."

When they had gone, Ianto stepped into the circle of Jack's, arms and sobbed. Jack felt his heart break and then the love that he felt for him healed it immediately, and gave him the strength not to cry, too, but to simply hold him.

Without thinking about it, he began running his hands up and down the back of his body, in longer and longer strokes, first lightly and tentatively and then with more pressure. He stopped sobbing but still clung to him as he stroked his body in a way that started out as a comforting gesture, but became increasingly sensual.

He was still attracted to …this?