** 36 **

She couldn't hide it, the grin that threatened to give her away as something other than Commander Shepard. She tried, thought of everything from casualty numbers to the Crucible, crew rosters to provisions, but it didn't work. A sense of relief filled her, as if she'd been empty and waiting for it, it bubbled over the rim of her control and breathing suddenly felt easier. It occurred to her that maybe she had been carrying around unwarranted guilt when it came to her love life.

When Kaidan walked away from her on Horizon she had blamed herself, trusted his judgement, believed his words. He had broken her heart but he also made her doubt herself. She'd felt unworthy, of being trusted, believed and most of all of being loved. After coming back from the dead it was enough to make her close down any emotional attachments. Even Joker and Garrus had suffered her coldness for a while, unable to penetrate the shell of self-hatred she'd put up. Eventually they wormed their way through but only James had truly cracked that shell.

She wasn't stupid, she knew that James had been angry with her but it had nothing to do with her being a traitor or betraying the Alliance. It had everything to do with his own guilt and regret. They were two of a kind really, hurting because of someone else's actions. She hadn't wanted to let him in but he slowly created cracks in her barrier, opening them up to let in light. He hadn't pushed, although she guessed he probably wanted to, instead he'd left her the choice.

He was a soft hearted, caring person underneath that impressive bulk, there was a tenderness there that called to her. It told her that she was safe, protected, that his arms would always hold her and support her. She wanted those arms around her more than she realised, she wanted the warmth and comfort he offered, she wanted his strength, his love. Her step faltered as she crossed the mess but she quickly recovered.

She thought Kaidan had loved her, that she had loved him. Maybe they had, but apparently it wasn't solid enough to build a relationship on. What she felt around James was different, more intense. It thrilled her as Kaidan never had, it sent shivers down her spine when he looked at her from under his lashes, her heart raced when he smiled at her. She was half-afraid that if he ever touched her intimately she might explode from pleasure. For the first time in a long time she wanted that touch, that intimacy. He had awoken that in her but she'd still balked. Until today.

Today he'd proved that he could be the soldier she needed to have her back and the man she wanted to stand by her side. Her heart had soared when he took her to task. He cared deeply, she knew that, but professionalism came first, as difficult as it was for him to hold his emotions in check he did it. The final barrier shattered into a million pieces and as she looked into his confused, questioning eyes she saw someone she could trust, with her heart and her life.

So she'd kissed him. She had only planned to kiss him lightly, to encourage him, show her interest, but the moment her lips touched his her body wanted more. When he responded flames erupted around her, the heat so intense she melted against him, felt his need and it only increased her desire. Even now she could still feel the burn of his lips, the touch of his hands and smell the musky scent of him. She entered the forward battery with flushed cheeks, bright eyes and a smile that would have left James melting on the floor.

'You wanted to see me Garrus,' even her tone was joyous.

'Shepard,' he turned to look at her and his mandibles tightened against his face. His eyes narrowed as he sniffed the air. 'I'm guessing James has already spoken to you about the mission.'

'Yes, he has,' she leant against his console, folded her arms across her chest and managed to pull her face under control. It lasted all of a minute before she was grinning again.

'Can I assume from the smile on your face and the flush in your cheeks that you're not upset with what he said?'

'What? No,' she tilted her head and met his worried gaze. 'Anything but. He stood up to me Garrus, treated me like a fellow soldier, spoke to me as my XO and team member. He was very professional, maybe a little personal,' she shrugged.

'So you and he are …'

'I think so,' she blew out a breath and began slowly pacing. 'I hope so. I'm willing to try but I don't know if I should. There are regs and ….'

'Yes you should, regs be damned, it's about time and I'm happy for you.' Garrus placed his talon on her shoulder, 'he's good for you.'

'He is?' She turned and met his glistening eyes, 'you never said that about Alenko.'

'That's because he wasn't good for you. And we're better friends now, I can say things like that without fearing that you're going to shoot me.'

'I'd never shoot you, Garrus,' she rolled her eyes at him. 'Why was Alenko not good for me?' She leant against the console as Garrus paced.

'He let his feelings affect how he behaved around you, on the ship and on missions.' He stopped and looked at her, 'did you know that sometimes when you weren't looking he took unnecessary risks to protect you.'

'I thought so,' she nodded.

'Towards the end he didn't see you as Commander Shepard the N7 marine, all round badass. He saw Andora Shepard, the woman he was in love with.' Garrus moved beside her against the console.

'That would explain Horizon I suppose,' she turned, placed her elbows on the console and leant on her hands. 'Although I sometimes thought he was in love with the legend.'

'So there's no chance of you and him getting back together?' Garrus looked down at her, leaning sideways so he could see her face.

'No, he's a part of a different life, it doesn't feel like he fits into this one in that way.' She let out a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair, 'I like Kaidan, I thought I loved him once but I know now I didn't. I would like to remain friends.'

'Do you think he can?'

'I don't know. I got the impression at the hospital he was looking for more.' She turned her head to look up at him.

'Does James know that?'

'I haven't spoken to him about Kaidan,' she pushed off the console and stepped towards the door.

'Maybe you should,' Garrus pulled himself upright, 'before Kaidan comes back, if he comes back.'

'I guess so. I'd like to have Kaidan as part of the team, we could use his knowledge and abilities.' The door opened and she paused on the threshold as Garrus called to her.

'Don't waste this opportunity, Shepard, you deserve some happiness. Be a little selfish for once.'

'James is pretty convincing,' her grin was back and Garrus laughed, 'now that I've given him an opening I don't think he'll let me close it.'

'See, told you he was good for you.'

Garrus' words followed her as she passed the sleeper pods. She had to agree, she hadn't felt so relaxed and happy for a long time. James wouldn't let her down, she knew that now, he wouldn't treat her like someone who needed his protection. A smile softened her face as she stepped into the elevator, she was going to take Garrus' advice, she was going to be a little selfish.

That meant she would have to talk to him about Kaidan, set things straight so there were no doubts. Maybe they could have dinner in her quarters. Maybe he would kiss her again, her fingers went instinctively to her lips where she could still taste him. And just maybe it would lead to …. She stopped that line of thought before it took hold. She had reports to file and a ship to run, those thoughts would distract her from both of those things. But what a pleasant distraction it would be. She dropped her head as the idea of his hands on her made heat rise from her toes, slowly working its way upwards. The chime of the elevator reminded her of where she was.

She stepped out into the CIC and raised her head to find James and Traynor looking at her. Traynor dropped her eyes to the datapad she and James were studying but James' eyes lingered for a moment. She continued on, nodding as she passed on her way to the bridge. James nodded back, the corners of his mouth lifting as he dropped his eyes and focused on the datapad. Shepard tried hard not to grin but as she stepped through the door to the bridge she knew she'd lost the battle.

'So, someone seems happy,' Joker spun his chair as the door closed behind her. 'Wouldn't have anything to do with a certain LT would it?'

'Can it Joker,' she wanted to sound serious but failed miserably.

'Shepard, I have noticed a change in your biometric readings since you left the port observation lounge. Are you well?'

'She's well alright, EDI,' Joker looked sideways at her before facing Shepard again, 'and it's about time.' He dropped his head so his face disappeared under his cap.

'Joker,' Shepard sighed and moved towards him.

Suddenly he pushed awkwardly out of his chair, met her approach and wrapped his arms around her. She could feel him shaking and she gently returned his hug. He was her best friend, a friendship forged in battle and made stronger by the trust they had in each other. He was the brother she never had, but no matter how many times she tried to convince him he wasn't responsible for her death he couldn't forgive himself.

'Be happy, please,' he stepped back with a sniffle, wiped his face and met her eyes.

'I can do that,' she reached for his hands and gave them a gentle squeeze, 'especially if it helps you to stop feeling guilty.'

'Workin' on it,' he snorted and moved back to his seat. 'I'll try not to ruin this one for you.'

'You didn't ruin the last one,' she grimaced and he frowned, 'Kaidan did that all on his own.'

'Really, so no chance of you two fixing things?' His eyes glistened under his cap.

'No, especially not now,' her grin was back and Joker chuckled.

'Good, because James is the better option,' he held up his hands as she raised her eyebrows at him. 'Kaidan's a good guy, he's a good soldier and all that, but James is stronger, he cares deeply and trusts you implicitly. I'm not sure Kaidan can be all of those things and let you be you, you know the big badass who takes down Reapers.'

'Major Alenko's profile suggests that he is a protector, especially with those he cares about,' EDI glanced towards Shepard, 'there is a strong possibility that would outweigh the fact that you are a capable soldier who doesn't need protecting. He would take risks to save your life.'

'Yeah,' Shepard sighed and nodded, 'he started doing that on missions before …., he thought I didn't know and if we'd continued with our relationship I would have had to talk to him about it.'

'You don't think James will do that?' Joker frowned at her.

'I don't think so,' she shook her head. 'I think he will find it easier to keep our professional and personal lives separate. I hope so anyway.'

'So,' Joker grinned and sat forward, 'there's going to be a personal life?' He waggled his eyebrows at her making his cap dance around on his head.

'That's none of your business,' she laughed at him. 'And if I find out there's a bet you will be nursing some broken bones.'

'Geez, Shepard,' he spun back to his console, 'way to spoil a man's fun.'

'How long till we reach the Attican Traverse?'

'We'll be there in roughly two hours.'

'Okay, let James and Garrus know to be ready.'

'Aye, aye.' Joker was on the com before the door shut behind her.

'Commander,' James dropped down beside her, 'you okay?' His casual question belying the concern she knew was underneath.

'Yeah,' she looked up at the prefab teetering over their heads. 'Rather not do that again though.'

'I hear ya,' he flicked a quick glance at the structure before moving to take point as Grunt yelled from above.

'Shepard, you okay down there?'

She reassured Grunt and moved to stand beside James who was peering off into the semi dark. With a nod they moved forward.

'Grunt has matured,' Garrus commented from behind, 'he's not your little krogan baby anymore.'

'Krogan baby?' James kept his eyes forward but confusion was evident in his voice.

'Didn't you know Lieutenant,' Garrus chuckled, 'Shepard gave birth to him.'

'You what?' Now he turned to look at her.

'I did,' she chuckled and heard James choke on unformed words. 'I let him out of his tank.'

His sigh was loud and Garrus laughed, 'he still thinks of you as his mother.'

'Battlemaster,' Shepard corrected him.

'Damn, that's ….' James couldn't seem to find the right word.

'I wouldn't worry about it too much,' Garrus consoled him, 'not until he starts calling you dad.'

'Or until you have to kill a thresher maw for him,' Shepard added.

Shepard could see his head shaking in disbelief even in the dim light and she grinned as she placed her hand on his shoulder.

'Don't worry,' she leaned in as if sharing a secret, 'you'll make a great dad and he's already gone through puberty. All he needs now is the sex talk.'

She knew he was gaping inside his helmet and Garrus snorted a laugh behind them. It suddenly occurred to her that she believed it, he would make a great dad. She pictured him chasing around two children, a blonde haired, brown-eyed girl and a dark haired, brown-eyed boy, picking them up and swinging them through the air. Their laughter echoed around her and for a moment they were real. She raised her eyes to find his wide eyes watching her, the whites visible even through his visor.

'I see something,' Garrus brought them both back to reality as he motioned ahead with his rifle.

Shepard sucked in a breath and focused on the task. She might not have to worry about James being unprofessional but she was certainly distracted. It was something she needed to control and fast. She followed James as he moved ahead, ignoring the temptation to stare at his ass that looked so good in his armour. She was a professional she could do this.

'Krogan scout,' James checked for life signs but shook his head.

Shepard picked up his weapon, informed Grunt and motioned them forward. Rachni waited ahead, the caves and tunnels hiding whatever they were doing and she needed to find out what was going on. All thoughts of children and James faded as she became the N7 she was trained to be. As if he sensed the change James hoisted his shotgun and side by side they took tentative steps into the dark.