Note: IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! As soon as I got back from vacation, I finished up the draft and typed up this final copy and here it is. A new chapter!

Also, I just really want to thank you all for the follows, favorites and reviews. You have no idea (okay maybe you do) how much it amazes me that you all like this fic. Especially since it is my first. And I know that this is a slow read and most definitely slow to update and that just makes you all that much more awesome, because you've been able to stick with me. I hope you all continue to stick and I hope to keep hearing from you as the story continues. You guys are fantastic, I love you, and I hope this chapter was worth the wait. :) 3

Chapter 37

Dorian picked up another tome and looked it over before wrinkling his nose at it and tossing it to the ever growing pile on the floor. He should've tried harder to convince the Ambassador to allow him to look over the Inquisitor's personal library before presenting it to her. Most of the texts on magic theories and practices here were written by absolute morons. He would need to put in a request for copies of some much more practical and intelligent tomes. The Tevinter mage glanced at another book and smirked when he saw the racy title, wondering if the innocent Herald had taken a peek yet.

His thoughts turned from his task to his current situation and he couldn't help but chuckle. Who would've thought that he would go from being a disappointment to all in Tevinter to being a close friend of the Herald of Andraste and leader of the Inquisition and aiding her in stopping an ancient evil all while helping said Inquisitor sort out her love life. Thinking on that particular part, Dorian came to a startling revelation. He hadn't had sex since joining the Inquisition. Well, technically since leaving Tevinter but he didn't exactly have any options until after Haven. Running around trying to stop his mentor – don't focus on that, not now – didn't allow much opportunity for a little fun and relaxation. No wonder why he had felt on edge for months now.

Something a certain annoying Qunari had noticed, pointed out, and offered to help him with. Repeatedly. Dorian paused in his handling of books while he remembered back to that day in Fallow Mire.

Bull leaned over him while Dorian tensely stood against the rotting wood, not sure whether he should be afraid of what the Qunari was getting at or outraged. He hated himself for feeling a sense of intrigue instead.

"I'm just saying Dorian," the warrior rumbled. "You carry around this picture of the Qunari in your mind. Like you see us as this forbidden, terrible thing, and you're inclined to do the forbidden…"

Dorian glared up at him, trying his best to ignore the bare muscular chest in front of him and the desire to run his hands over it. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Bull shrugged. "All I'm saying is, you ever want to explore that," his intense gaze trapped Dorian's, "my door is always open."

Dorian gritted his teeth while he slammed a book back into its place on the shelf. Since that day, it's almost like there was this waiting game and the Iron Bull seemed to believe he was going to win. Sure the Qunari was pleasing on the eyes, Dorian wasn't denying that, but to pursue anything? Was he that desperate? He didn't want that, he couldn't! "Venhedis, I sound like she did." Surely that didn't mean anything… right?

He heard a bang as the door slammed against the stone wall but didn't close followed soon by the sound of running feet coming up the stairs. He turned but when he didn't see anyone, he immediately went on alert expecting an ambush. He began to pull on his magic, the familiar red glow appearing around him as he prepared to summon his focus, fire. But when the Inquisitor suddenly appeared before him, dropping her stealth, he just as quickly let the magic return to the Fade. He could see that she appeared distress and clearly lost in her thoughts as she ignored his presence and moved further into the room.

"Shadow? What's happened?" he asked.

She immediately stopped at hearing his voice and appeared surprised by his presence, confirming his assumption. Then her distress returned along with… shame? She looked down and away from him.

"I ran," she whispered.

Dorian wasn't sure if he heard her right. "What?"

"I ran!" she shouted before covering her mouth in shock and tears began to trail down her cheeks. "I ran," she repeated, her words muffled.

Dorian had a sinking feeling. "From Cullen?" When she nodded he asked, "Why? Did he… not return your feelings?" He knew that couldn't have been true having watched the Commander for months now and his behavior towards her spoke volumes of his true feelings for her. But holding them back, Dorian could see the man doing that. He wondered if perhaps he was going to have to set the man's trousers on fire until he gave up the stubborn act.

"No. Yes?" Dorian was concerned by the look of confusion that crossed her face followed by a hint of fear before she abruptly shook her head. "I don't know."

Unbeknownst to him, Shadow was struggling with an onslaught of dark thoughts, the strongest they've been since Haven. You know. He could never care for you. No one could ever love you. "Stop it," she said in an attempt to silence the terrifying thoughts she believed more and more.

Dorian took a hesitant step toward her, his worry increasing at the order as he had no idea who she was now talking to. "Stop what? Shadow?" When she didn't respond to him, his fear leaked into his voice, "Shadow?"

So lost in the dark whispers in her mind, she was unable to hear her friend. She wasn't aware of anything but her internal struggle. Your body is a mangled mess of scars, mutilated by your own hand. None would be able to look at you in anything but horror and disgust. And you still believe this is all real? That you are free? That people have come to accept you, even worship you? That you have a family that has been searching for you? That a man could care for you? "Shut up," Shadow begged, tears flowing. "Please, shut up." You're still in that damp, dark cellar girl. Trapped, imprisoned, ENSLAVED!

Dorian's fear and worry continued to grow as he watched her weep, begging someone or something to stop. When she flinched as if struck he started to go to her but stopped when he heard the door slam shut. He again prepared himself to defend but stopped once more when he saw who came up the stairs, relief flooding through him.

Shadow was still unaware of her surroundings. I'm free. I got out. This is real. Cullen is a good man, a good friend. He said – Did he though? Or is this all just another cursed dream, created to give you false hope? THIS IS REAL! she internally screamed at herself. You know how to prove if it is. Tormented green sought out the daggers resting on the dresser and she felt herself take a step toward them.

"SHADOW!" She froze in her tracks at the commanding tone, shocked out of her intentions, the dark thought weakened. She slowly turned and felt her breath catch at the sight of the warrior standing in her room, his intense gaze trapping her and the dark thoughts weakened further, now mere whispers.

"Cullen," she whispered, almost whimpered.

"Dorian." The Commander's eyes didn't leave the Inquisitor's as he spoke, his tone that which he used to command his soldiers. "Leave us. And make sure it is understood that the Inquisitor is to remain undisturbed until told otherwise by her or I."

Dorian looked to the frozen Herald, still incredibly worried for his friend and of the panic still in her eyes. "Cullen, I'm not sure -"

"Dorian." The mage turned to see Cullen staring at him with a gentler expression and offering a reassuring smile. "I have her."

Dorian felt a little bit of that reassurance as he knew that Cullen indeed had her. Thinking back to the night she revealed her past to them, he knew that if anyone could help her it was the Commander. So, after shooting Shadow one last worried glance, he left the Inquisitor's room and placed a barrier spell on the door that could only be broken upon the exit of the next person.

When Cullen's eyes had returned to focus on Shadow, they were once again serious. As he stared unrelenting at Shadow, he could see the struggle she was fighting in her eyes, mirroring the one he saw back in Haven that one night by the lake. He knew that meant that she was still trapped by her doubts and before they could talk about what had happened earlier, he would need to bring her out of that. And he had a feeling it would take more than words this time.

Shadow struggled through the dark thoughts that were still rather strong even though they were whispers. Tears continued to silently fall as she tried to break the silence that felt crushing to her. "Cullen…"

"You ran." His voice came out rough and low and he began to slowly approach her.

She took a step back for each one he took forward, trying to force the whispers away and to convince herself that this was real. It had to be if he were here to confront her. Is that how that works? Or is this like all those other dreams, where the truth of their deceit is revealed in a devastating turn? Such as the man you care for rejecting you? "Cullen I -"

"Don't apologize," he interrupted. "Maker, don't do that." Don't take back your words. His voice shook as he spoke and worries that she might have ruined her chance mingled with and fed the whispers of doubt. She almost missed his next words. "Do you trust me?"

She stopped moving back. "What?"

He stopped as well but only once he was right in front of her, standing so close she swore she could feel the heat of his body. She jumped when his hands slowly came up and gently cupped her face, brushing away her tears. She stared wide eyed up into his as he asked again, his voice insistent, "Do you trust me?"

She didn't hesitate to whisper, "Yes."

Before the word finished crossing her lips, his were covering them in a desperate and demanding kiss. A jolt went through Shadow, causing her hands to jump to his waist, and a heat followed, warming her to her core and burning out the dark whispers in her mind. Initial she stood still, hardly believing what was occurring but then she grasped its revelation and just as desperately returned it, determined to make sure her feelings were clear despite her stumblings earlier. Together, they both poured months of hidden emotions into the kiss, revealing their shared nerves and yearnings.

Eventually their lips moved apart with a gasp when the need for air grew too great. As they both took in deep breaths, Cullen rested his forehead against hers and looked deep into her eyes. Shadow felt as if he were searching for something and while she couldn't fathom what, she hoped he found it.

Cullen smiled when he saw no hint of fear or doubt in her eyes and he felt a bit prideful at the wonderment in them. Certain that she wasn't likely to run again, he softly asked, "Why did you run?"

Though she had expected the question she still startled a little at hearing it and Cullen dropped his hands as she backed up a bit. Shadow first looked away, shame worming its way back into her mind, but she turned back to face him. "I panicked."

Cullen inclined his head in acknowledgment. "So I had gathered." He patiently stared at her, his face somber and hiding just how nervous he felt. "Do you regret it?"

"No. Yes? No!" Cullen raised a brow at her nervous and urgent answer while she ran a hand through her hair in aggravation. Why can't I just speak plainly, she wondered. She took a deep breath before explaining, "I don't regret how I feel. I regret looking like an idiot and almost ruining the closest friendship I've ever had."

Cullen briefly allowed himself to bask in the warmth he felt at hearing her describe their friendship before replying, "You didn't almost ruin anything." He smiled. "And if anyone is an idiot, it is I."

Shadow wasn't sure what he meant and began to wring her hands as she nervously asked, "Are you, um, regretting…?"

"I regret not making myself clear earlier." He reached out and placed a hand to her waist and the other to the back of her neck. Shadow placed her hands on his chest plate as he drew her back to him. "I regret my loss of control just now and that I didn't kiss you like this." His lips were softer, his tongue gently coaxing her lips to open and his teeth playfully biting her lower lip when she took too long to comply. There was no sense of urgency this time and Shadow sighed as the Commander took his time, taking control of the slow kiss.

She opened her eyes when it ended and met his smirking expression with one of her own. "I'm not complaining about either of those." Cullen chuckled and she shivered at the low rumble. Confusion surfaced when his hands left her and he stepped back from her.

"You said you panicked. About what?"

Shadow knew the conversation he was pushing had to happen, but damnit she wish it didn't. Feeling embarrassed, she said, "I have a feeling you already know."

He nodded. "As do I but it seems assumptions have only hindered us for quite some time. It may be time for a new tactic."

Shadow could only agree and after taking a deep breath in preparation, told him everything. Of how she had kept these feelings hidden for months now, even from herself because of her doubts and how she didn't feel worthy, that he deserved someone better. She shared how Dorian was the one that got her to admit her feelings to herself, to let out why she held back and how he gave her a stern talking to, saying she wasn't what she had thought so long to be. She talked about how he convinced her to confess her feelings to Cullen and how nervous she had felt walking to his office and how her doubts had begun to trickle back in as she walked through Skyhold, though they had briefly disappeared when they were on the ramparts' walkway. "But then they all just came rushing back when we were interrupted," she thought she heard him curse someone named Jim but ignored it as she continued, "and they came with thoughts about how this wasn't real and I could feel my focus slipping and I… panicked. All of that taking over and losing control like that just made me feel so weak and next thing I know, I'm back here thinking about -" She cut herself off as she glanced at the daggers. She could feel her face turn red as shame returned and she waited for him to condemn her for almost breaking her promise.

But instead he did the last thing she would've expected. He laughed. She whipped back in shock but saw that his expression was completely serious and his laugh was too dry to hold any amusement.

"Shadow, it's never been a matter of what I deserve but rather what you deserve."

Shadow thought she heard pain in his voice and not understanding why, she shook her head. "Cullen what -"

"Dorian is right, you are a strong woman. To have gone through what you have and to be who you are today, there is no other description. You don't hate all associated in anyway with the men and country that wronged you. Instead, you give them a chance, offering trust and even friendship." Shadow looked down, a little embarrassed by the awe she heard in his voice. "You deserve to find everything you've lost, like your family. To be surrounded by friends who would do anything for you. You deserve to have a man just as strong as you by your side." He closed his eyes and bowed his head. "And Maker forgive me for my selfishness for daring to claim that position because I am most definitely not that man."

For a moment Shadow just stared at him, unable to believe what she had heard. Finally she said, "Cullen what are you talking about? You are one of the strongest people I know. Even before you shared with me about your decision to give up lyrium, I felt that. And once you had told me, that belief only strengthen. Knowing the pain you go through because of the withdrawals and what more will come and the knowledge that you were in Ferelden during the Blight and in Kirkwall during all of that chaos… damnit Cullen you've been through just as much shit as me if not more. Yet you're here, leading the Inquisition's forces during the third major crisis Thedas has seen in the last decade. A weaker man would've stayed home."

Cullen wanted so desperately to hold onto her faith, to leave it there but he knew he needed to make her understand, to tell her what he could bring himself to admit at this moment even if that meant losing her faith. "I'm not here because I am a stronger man. I am here because I am a man seeking redemption."

Shadow's brow furrowed in confusion. "Redemption?"

He ran a hand through his hair, setting some of the curls free. "After the… events that took place in the Ferelden Circle I went down a dark path. I turned to hate to escape my fear, one for all mages including those least deserving. And when I was transferred to Kirkwall for a time that fear and hatred was made stronger by the crisis there, fed by the Knight-Commander's paranoia. If Hawke hadn't intervened the number of times he had, if he hadn't made himself such a nuisance and insisted to place his involvement in everything…" A memory of his sword meeting a barrier rather than the flesh of the cowering mage before him flashed before his eyes. Hawke's shout that the mage was innocent of the crime accused of her echoed in his ears and his realization that the child had been nothing but a scapegoat brought back that feeling of guilt. "I could've become like the Knight-Commander herself."

Shadow didn't believe that for a second. "Cullen," she spoke softly, "what did happen in the Ferelden Circle?"

He looked to her in disbelief. "You don't know?"

"I know what the stories say and what's been written in history books. That some of the mages turned to blood magic and rebelled against the Order. That the Circle was overrun by abominations and would've been completely lost if the Hero, er, Queen of Ferelden hadn't intervened. That the Circle was saved but not before many lives, both mage and templar, were lost."

Disbelief turned to confusion. "Then why are you asking?"

"Because I want to know what happened to you."

Cullen felt cold as memories of the Circle's fall filled his mind, freezing him to his core with the echoes of screams and cruel laughter. He looked down, clenching and unclenching his fists while he struggled to give her what she asked. But he couldn't speak the words! "I… can't…"

"Then you don't have to." When Cullen looked at her in surprise and she saw the torment in his eyes, she cursed herself for putting it there. She of all people should've understood how some memories were just too painful to share. "Cullen," she explained, "you didn't force me to tell you why I've harmed myself that night in Haven. You allowed me to determine when I was ready to talk about it."

He shook his head. "You entrusted me with your struggle. I should…"

"Allow me to give the same opportunity to you as you gave to me." She paused a moment before smiling and holding out her arms. "And I'm not sure if you haven't noticed, but I'm still here."

Cullen returned her smile, unable to believe the gift the Maker had given him in her, and approached her again. "You are… remarkable. So much more than I deserve."

Shadow frowned. "Hey if I'm not allowed to think of myself in such terms neither can you. Maybe we should add that to our promises to each other."

Cullen chuckled, this one with humor. "That may require more than a promise to fix."

Shadow huffed out a laugh of her own. "You're probably right." She smiled sheepishly. "We're quite the pair huh?"

Cullen wrapped his arms around her and rest his forehead against hers. "Perhaps more suited for each other than either of us believed."

Dorian kept his eyes on the door leading from the main hall to the Inquisitor's rooms as he worried over what was taking place. He kept thinking about Shadow's actions before he left and just like the night she told them of her years in Tevinter, a nagging feeling kept pulling at his memory. Something about what she's said and how she acted… he felt as if he had seen or read of something similar once and he wished he could remember! He had a very bad feeling it was important.

"So what happened?" Dorian was startled out of his thoughts and looked down to see a dwarf leaning against the wall beside him.

"You know, for a storyteller you can be awful quiet."

Varric snorted. "I don't believe I've ever been referred to in that way."

"Maybe sneaky is a better word for it."

"Speaking of Sneaky, you didn't answer the question."

Dorian arched a brow. "What makes you think something has happened?"

"Well, over an hour ago I saw Curly come through here with a rather determined look about him and go up to her rooms. Then you came out not too long after looking rather grim yourself and have since been staring at that door. Not a big leap to make."

Dorian sighed. "I may have made a miscalculation." They both turned when the door they spoke of opened and they watched as both Shadow and Cullen came through. Shadow spotted them and said something to Cullen who answered with a nod and a squeeze to her shoulder before making his way to the war room. She watched the Commander walk away before making her way over to them.

"Varric," she greeted before turning to Dorian with a smile. "Dorian."

Dorian narrowed his eyes at her, searching for any hint that she wasn't truly happy. "Shadow," he replied cautiously.

"I just want to say thanks."

"Oh?" he said with surprise. Varric tilted his head, not even pretending not to be listening.

"If you hadn't pushed me to admit... things to myself and him…" She looked back to where Cullen had left. "Who knows if anything would've ever happened."

"So something happened?" asked Varric. Shadow blushed and nodded. He grinned. "About damn time Sneaky."

"Are you… okay?" asked Dorian, earning a curious frown from Varric.

Shadow seemed to think it over before answering carefully. "Still a ways to go but today was a big step." She smiled again. "I owe you."

Dorian pushed his worry aside for now and smirked. "You could repay me with details."

Shadow's blush deepened. "I feel you might be a little disappointed." She glanced behind her when her name was called from the direction of the Ambassador's office. "I should go." She sighed. "Meetings."

"Shadow," Dorian called, causing her to pause momentarily. "Are you happy?"

She answered with a genuine smile. "More than I thought I could ever be." With one last wave, she took off for the war room.

"I take it that was your doing then?" Varric said.

Dorian nodded. "Did a better job than I had thought."

"You know this means you lost the bet right?"

The mage shrugged. "Not the first time. Did anyone win?"

"Tiny."

Dorian looked at him with wide eyes. "What! I thought he didn't even pick a date."

"He didn't. But he did say that you would be the reason one of them made a move."

"Fasta vass!" What did it mean that the Iron Bull knew that would occur? "Should've known never to bet against a Ben-Hassrath," he muttered.

Varric shook his head in agreement. "Hawke's going to hate this too. He isn't going to like hearing he lost to a Qunari."

Note: So, did I do well? I've been really nervous about their first kiss and now I'm super nervous about how to go forward with their relationship. I wouldn't mind hearing your guys' thoughts on this especially since I'm sure many of you have been writing far longer than I. :)

LostSpace: I completely agree, especially having confessed my feelings to a crush once. Didn't go well and I couldn't even look at the guy for a whole week. Super embarrassing. As much as I love how the scene played out in game, I found Shadow's actions not only fitting for her but a bit more realistic in my opinion.

Marika Haliwell: NEW CHAPTER! Please don't hurt me. Haha. Hope this helped quell those urges from the last chapter.