A/N: Recently, I have become all too aware of a common, new practice: censorship, more rampant than ever, running through the literary community. It's not just anti-shippers, it's people looking to control writers' content and such, and I vocally oppose such notions. It's easy to see why my work might offend someone, seeing as no target is off-limits for this satire. Satires are hated by dictators, as they show how human they are.
This censorship on websites bothers the hell out of me. Fanfiction has always been a land where I can just write freely. I hope that doesn't come to fanfiction more than it has already. Leave this website alone. To make matters worse, Article 13 will drastically cut my readership in half, 28 countries might lose access to fanfiction altogether. That's a horrible tragedy, I don't want to lose any of you and your wonderful works. Please, tell the EU parliament to not accept this horrid law. Please kill it before wonderful work is lost forever.
I can't stand the idea of a world without this site. It's so wonderful. Anyway, this chapter will mostly focus on mocking censorship, with some Eunuchs getting their butts whipped. Yes there are Skooks references. Please watch it if you haven't already.
"To struggle against censorship, whatever its nature, and whatever the power under which it exists, is my duty as a writer, as are calls for freedom of the press. I am a passionate supporter of that freedom, and I consider that if any writer were to imagine that he could prove he didn't need that freedom, then he would be like a fish affirming in public that it didn't need water."
― Mikhail Bulgakov, Manuscripts Don't Burn: Mikhail Bulgakov A Life in Letters and Diaries
Chapter 38 Censorship is Censureship-in other words, how to overthrow dictators without being practiced in dictation
Charisma's grandmother chuckled to herself as she looked over the latest content that she had seized from the Elvens, deemed as unsuitable work. Charisma seemed to think that unsuitable work meant that you could not wear a suit over it, so as a result, there were wire hangers inside the bookcase. It was a harmful job for any person to try to reach in and grab a book without getting jabbed by the wiry hangers-on.
Already, several had been hospitalized, complaining of finger trauma and some with bad cuts on their bodies. What a bunch of crybabies, the Queen angrily thought, as she looked angrily at the angry hangers who couldn't be angry as they were merely hangers. This whole situation made her angrier, because the Serial Bites were keeping a low profile. Charisma somehow thought that meant that they were all short people, and attempted to have all short people arrested, but luckily she had repealed that act.
What was Charisma even thinking when she took this position? Everyone knew that it was a serious job. It was not a job that one did lightly, with lots of humor and jokes for everyone. To that end did she replace the court jesters with serious, stone-faced henchmen who did nothing but talk seriously, with no jokes in between, and no time for silly business at all.
Then again, it could be problematic, she thought, as she thought about how they seemed...dull and incapable of understanding any humor at all.
"Rick, get me a life." She said, saying the old forbidden word.
He gasped. "You already have a life to get."
"It's a joke."
"Jokes are forbidden here." Rick reminded her. "As are satires, parodies, pastiches, comedies, burlesques, lampoons, jesting, caricaturing-"
"Enough, I get it." She muttered in defeat. She literally could not win with these idiots.
Wait a second, it was her fault that these laws existed in the first place.
Although she had launched that strange-looking man over the cliff with a cannon after he had criticized her and her regime. What was his name? Barley? By now, he should be nothing but a brick on cement.
That analogy didn't make any sense, she thought.
Oh well, she would think about it later. For now, she had serious matters to tend to, and most of them having to deal with Barry the Dinosaur, who had escaped from his exhibit in the museum again.
Guards had tried, but failed to catch him. He told jokes and got the populace all worked up over nothing. She passed laws allowing arrest of anyone telling a joke.
They failed, as the courts told her jokes were allowed. Worse, they gave her a tennis court as a way to prove their point.
She then proposed ways to remove additional meanings of words, and they laughed her out of court. Okay, perhaps that was a bit out of line.
But she was sick and tired of people just breaking the law under her gaze. Could they not do that?
A random citizen jaywalked out in the street before her horrified eyes, and jesters and clowns danced, holding signs with horrifyingly free expressions on them.
"Catch them!" She demanded, but found that her guards were strangely missing.
"You're under arrest for being the Fun Police." A cop dressed as a clown said, before slapping her with a rubber chicken several times. She was led away in handcuffs and the throne went to Princess Souvenir instead, seeing as Odious was not fit to stay in the throne.
He was too obese for the robe, no size fit him. Hence him not being fit enough.
"Why do I have to do this job? I'd rather cut my nails, look at magazines and stalk people online." Souvenir complained.
"We're sorry, Queen Misdemeanor, but you have to. No one else is qualified for the position except you. Your younger brother Euchie was sent to a mental ward, Clover is too self-involved, and Schnitzel went into the pretzel-making industry."
"It's Souvenir!" She snapped, so used to people forgetting her name by now that she just wanted to go home at this point.
She hated the people here and they hated her, too.
Why was everything in numbers?
Why did they serve menus with the amount of food you were ordering listed?
Why did they require rulers to read upside down, backwards, and on vertical walls with trapdoors? Why was it required to bounce on a trampoline, to ignore your duties, and to go walking every day?
Why couldn't she point and laugh at others?
She happily lifted the restriction on jokes, as long as they didn't ridicule the royalty.
Nonetheless, everyone, including Portfolio, happily engaged in mocking the royalty to their heart's content.
"Look at this clover, I'm gonna rip it up and then set it on fire!" Rika announced, posting it on her InsaneaGraham page, which promptly removed it.
"Here's a pretzel figure I made of Schnitzel. I've been watching her craft pretzels for years and now I can eat her! Let's be married!" Tambourine screamed, trying to get inside her factory.
He was denied entrance, at which point he proceeded to take bites out of all the pretzels, so that Schnitzel had to wash them again and there were soggy pretzels for sale. What a dastardly thing to do.
There was one thing that Souvenir loved, and that was shaved ice. There was a stand she loved going to (with no Elvens in it, of course) that served delicious ice cream, with such amazing flavors like Bacon, Pepperoni, Ravioli, Peanut Brittle, Stinky Socks, Rotten Eggs, and other gross, unnatural flavors. She loved eating it at every meal.
She wondered if perhaps this was what had driven Euchie mad. All the sugar and ice.
"Your highness, please stop leaving ice cream outside. The ants are all over it." The guards complained, coming back in covered in ants, from head to toe.
"I can't banish them." She exclaimed.
"What about the army ants?" One of them exclaimed, as sure enough, giant ants with soldier hats on came trooping in, carrying all of her desserts on their backs. Riding one was Clover, who kept kicking it, until it sprayed acid in her face.
Carl and Cassius Claypot were busy riding another one, too busy looking at their phones to notice.
The whole refrigerator was picked up and shaken, and then her favorite shaved ice was being taken away by the army ants, who also took her television, her favorite doll and of course, the coat hangers from her crazy great-grandmother's closet. Not that she missed those.
She ordered them to make more shaved ice, which they did.
But the ants kept coming, giving officers horrible bites and being forbidden from wearing shorts.
"Get off me, you dumb ants!" Rika Cardigan's mother cried, batting at the bugs with her broom, but failing as they crawled up her pants and bit her everywhere. They even ate her broom up into nothing.
Her husband stood by and laughed as they chased her around.
Cheerio directed the ants forward.
With this trick, all the shaved ice was theirs. Forever.
The Eunuchs were about to make the Royal Proclamation of marriage for Lady What's her face and Prince Odious when a huge shaking sound interrupted them.
"It's the demons." Odious muttered.
"What?" The white-haired girl asked.
"They're coming for us."
Sure enough, giant globs of dessert were flying at the Eunuchs. A pie hit one in the face, ruining his nice robe. Ants appeared and started lapping at the robe and chewing it up.
A pound cake pounded into another Eunuch with a boxing glove attached, weighing quite a few pounds. It had come from the local pound, alongside the also illegal boxed cake.
Meanwhile, Endless Stalker had returned to the castle to watch the chaos, her shopping friends behind her.
However, the ants turned on them as well.
Giant tomatoes were hurled at them, staining their clothes.
CC could be seen launching a nasty pizza sauce from the pizza she didn't like before returning to the food that Lucia had given her.
They all screamed and tried to run, but the pound cake was upon them, pounding away while two men carrying a rolling pan tried to make them roll under it. Stalker could not get away as another pound cake and some cinnamon rolls moved toward her.
The cinnamon rolls glued her to the road as the pound cake started boxing her and she fortunately died, but resurrected as a ghost. The pound cake proceeded to chase her spirit around and beat it up.
"That's one awesome pound cake." Cornelius remarked, eating some of the suddenly sentient desserts, even as they screamed.
A fruitcake with tons of fruit on it flew off and attacked her remaining cohorts, with the bananas making them trip, the oranges making their vision hard to see, and the grapefruit making things so sour that they almost puked.
The sugar ants proceeded forward, attacking indiscriminately. Stalker's best friend screamed as her shopping cart was eaten away at and they ate her shoes, leaving her barefoot. The other ants stole her clothing, leaving her clad in just a bathing suit because she had planned to go swimming later that day.
She decided enough was enough and went swimming, giving up on obsessive shopping altogether.
The old woman tried to swat them away, but the ants tugged at her hair before eating through her candy collection and gnawing her back to jail.
The child started crying at which point the ants picked it up and carried it back to the jail where the pound cake shoved sour food into his mouth until he gagged and stopped crying. He was then let go.
The sugar ants then proceeded to distribute the stolen sugar and anime to the residents whom it was taken from.
Everyone rejoiced.
Charisma was delighted to see the pound cake, until it pounded her into the dirt for trying to eat her.
Her cell mate was one Euchie, her own child.
Euchie turned and looked at her. "Would you like to see my pony projects?"
Charisma's screaming could be heard all throughout the land, but none intervened.
Lucia smiled at all the candy they had saved. "We're doing a favor-"
"Wait, since when do we give out sugar? Doesn't that go completely against our whole narrative in this entire story?" Collin pointed out.
"You're right, gang, this doesn't make sense." Pierogi said.
"Stop ripping off existing properties and just distribute the candy." She snapped.
She had some easter baskets to send, some to Neddy and others to random children around the country.
"Wow, this looks like a two million year old ice cube." A father joked upon receiving a shaved ice cream cone. *******
"I read that joke in a two billion year old paper." The clerk said in annoyance.******
"Am I glad it's frozen in there and that we're out here. And that you're the ice cream guy and that my brain is frozen out here. We're in there and I just remembered, we are out here. What I wanna know is...where's the Cheerio man?" *****
"Woman." A random bystander corrected.
"Watch us swooce right into Cheerio's identity! Swooce!"****
They failed and fell into the water.
"Are we going to see the Strong Man?" Collin asked.***
"I don't know." Lucia said, pointing a gun at them. "Too many references in one chapter."
Tambourine dragged out a moon pie.
"Thanks for finding the moon..." Collin began,*
"But we all wish you hadn't." Everyone else finished. **
"You're no fun." Tambourine whined, "You're all secret bitches."
*-The misadventures of Skooks part 1 I think by Orpheusftw. I don't own his awesome YTPs, just my own content.
**-TMOS Part 1
***-Skooks 4
****-Skooks 2 or 3 perhaps?
*****-Skooks 3
******-Skooks 3
*******-Skooks 3
********-Skooks 1