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He leaned his head back on the seat and sighed, "Can you just drive?"
Erin smiled and reached over and took his hand. "Drive it is."
They didn't even make it out of the cemetery before he fell asleep and Erin sent Jay a text that they were going to the cabin, asking him to drop some supplies off for them when he could break away without it being obvious. She felt like she didn't deserve him, she knew she would end up hurting him someday...but at the same time she needed him more than life itself. Jay kept in closer contact with Teddy than she did, saved Voight from himself more than once...and he trusted her enough that he was going to bring supplies to her so she could stay at his isolated cabin with another man.
He understood her need to be there for Kelly. Jay understood the pain that the other man was in and knew that at that particular moment in time she was the only one who could get through. When Jay walked up to Casey at Mollys a few hours later asking for a key to the apartment Casey handed it to him no questions asked. He did get questions from Stella when she cornered him in the parking lot though. So many that Jay had her get in the car with him.
"Let me get this straight...you got keys to your girlfriends exboyfriends apartment from the husband of your exgirlfriend so you can bring clothes and food to them while they stay at your families cabin?" She practically yelled as he pulled out of the parking lot.
"I got the keys to Kelly's apartment from Casey so I can get him clothes so he can stay at my cabin...like he did right after Shay died. Erin, Casey and I took turns running out there then and I am doing the same thing now."
"What the hell are you helping him for?"
"It is important to Erin."
"They slept together you know."
"And you clearly know Gabi and I had a relationship too. What difference does it make?" Jay smirked at her, knowing that she was jealous that she wasnt the one who was able to help him. "Kelly helped me when I needed to get Erin back."
"So you guys are just all buddies even though you have all basically slept together?"
"Friends...friends help either other without question. If Kelly needed me to hold him...I'd do it...we are all family and someday you will get that."
"I heard rumors that you guys at PD all had slumber parties..."
"Stop making that sound dirty." Jay said as he parked his car in front of Kelly's. Stella followed him in silently as Jay went to the closet and pulled out his duffel and watched in awe as he knew which drawers to pull different things out of. She followed him into the bathroom where he went into the cupboard and grabbed his prescription before walking into the living room and pulling the DVD that Shay had made off the shelf.
"I didn't know he was on meds." Stella said quietly as Jay pulled back onto the road heading for Erin's apartment.
She followed him in there too, pausing to look at the photos placed around, looking questioningly into Nadia's room, "We've all been through a lot together and we all deal with things differently. Each of us have different people we can go to for different things."
"No judgements?"
"Hank, Antonio and Ruzek have all held me when I have cried."
"What do you mean held you?"
"Snot dripping down my nose, hyperventilating seriously ugly crying and they hold me...like a parent holds a kid...like Erin was holding Kelly earlier."
"Not sexual?"
"If you couldn't picture living five seconds into the future without your heart ripping from your chest would you be able to think about sex?"
"Who are Kelly's people?"
"Erin, Casey, Herman and Boden."
"And you."
"Used to be Shay, Darden and Casey."
"Who are your people?"
"Erin, Hank, Antonio and Ruzek."
"Who are Erin's?"
"Hank, me and Kelly."
"She helps everyone but doesn't let them help her?"
"She does...is more open now...we have all seen each other cry...we've all held each other...we are family."
"So her going away with Kelly..."
"He needs it...and she needs to help him."
"And you, Hank and Casey...you all serve as backup?"
"When we get there we are just bringing the bags in and leaving again."
"You aren't even going to say hi?"
"If they aren't out then no."
"And you just leave?"
"Yeah. Erin will ask for help when she needs it. She knows how to handle Kelly."
"We shouldn't just leave them."
"Have you talked to him about Shay before?"
"No."
"Then unless he asks you to stay we are leaving."
When they got there Jay saw them standing on the edge of the wood, Erin nodded acknowledgement but didn't move. He went to the back and pulled out both of the duffels and the small grocery bag before bringing it inside the cabin, Stella following silently behind. She watched as he walked around the cabin checking different cabinets, the bedroom and the water in the bathroom. Once he was satisfied the cabin was okay for her he nodded towards Stella before walking out the door.
"We are not seriously just leaving them?" She asked with tears in her eyes.
Jay looked over at Erin who was standing there watching them over her shoulder and he shrugged. He saw her say something to Kelly and he stiffened and walked towards the water. Erin looked back and shrugged. "She will update me later." He said quietly before getting into the car.
Erin watched as Stella got into the car and Jay pulled away. "She cares about you." She said when she caught up to him on the edoe of the woods.
"She wants what I can't give."
"Why?"
"Shay is my family. Now she is gone. Benny...I have a sister and little brothers and I can't help them...I just...I went to vegas and got married for fucks sake." He said punching a tree.
Erin walked over and took his now bloody hand quickly looking it over, "Feel better?"
"No!" He yelled, "Everything I do is wrong!"
Erin walked away from him and stood by the bank, every few seconds she picked up a rock and flicked it into the lake. She could see Kelly pacing back and forth, pulling his hair, clenching his fists. It took about a half hour before he walked over next to her. "Pick up a rock." She told him, "Think about one of the things making you freak out and toss it in the lake."
"Benny." He said flinging a boulder. "My Mom." He said skipping a flat rock. "51." He said barely tossing a stone. "Shay." He said twirling a small rock in his fingers.
"Shays memory should not be a burden." Erin whispered taking the rock from his hand. "Shay will always be in your heart but her death...you need to let that go." She said holding it up before setting it back in his hand.
He looked back and forth between Erin and the rock and she watched the tears form and spill from his eyes. She tried to give him space as he processed his thoughts and after a few minutes she put her hand on his shoulder. She could feel him tremble as he reached his arm back and sent the rock flying and she quickly enveloped him in a tight hug.
"She will always be in your heart." Erin promised as she could feel the tears soak through her shirt as he clung to her. As she felt him lean heavier onto her she led him back to the cabin where she had him sit on the bed as she took off his boots.
By the time she had taken off his jacket he was asleep sitting up. "Kelly where are you right now?" She asked gently, sitting on the bed behind him holding most of his weight.
"Cabin." He mumbled as his head dipped back against her shoulder.
"Yeah. Can you lay down with your head on the pillow?" When she got a small nod she helped pull him up and lay him down.
"No pillow...you." He said as tears fell from his now half open eyes.
She kicked off her shoes and laid down on the bed and snuggled into her side. "What do you feel now?" Erin asked him as she ran her fingers through his hair.
"Safe." He said opening his eyes and looking at her. "Thank you."
"You go back on shift tomorrow." She reminded him, "You ready for that?"
"51 is safe. Home is where it gets hard."
"Will you call?"
"Is it okay to?"
"Always." She said looking into his eyes and once again she saw his eyes fill with tears. She rolled to face him and held him tight to her, "I've got you." She said kissing the top of his head. She felt him nod as he let out a shakey breath into her neck. "Kelly I've got you." She whispered again, "Breathe when I do." She told him. "Listen to my heartbeat."
With how exhausted he was it did not take long before he had fallen asleep and she pulled out her phone and dialed Jay. "We will be back around lunch tomorrow." Erin told him when he answered.
"That's quick." Jay responded. "Voight said we will be catching up on paperwork."
"Stella came with you today."
"Saw me get the key from Casey."
"So you decided to bring her with you?" Erin asked as Kelly let out a sharp snore.
"Not my best idea." He said with a smirk having heard the snore.
"Glad she didn't run towards him." Erin said with a couple grunts as Kelly shifted his weight as his leg slid over, now between hers.
"Would not have picked him for a snuggler." Jay laughed hearring another snore as he shifted his weight again flopping his head so his forehead was propped at an awkward angle against her cheek.
"Is Stella okay?" She asked, lifting her chin making his head slide down her cheek leaving a drool trail as it slid.
"She thinks it's weird how close we all are."
"How are you doing?"
"Practiced skipping rocks today."
"You getting any better?"
"Got a few good ones." She told him as she wiggled a little to get Kelly at a slightly more comfortable angle. "How was everyone at Molly's?"
"Gabi was still crying when I left. Was going to text Casey in a bit."
"It's getting pretty late."
"Call if you need anything." Jay said hearing soft moaning from Kelly and a few grunts from Erin.
"Have coffee tomorrow." Erin answered as Kelly flopped himself again, tightening his hold on her with his face in her neck his legs were now up under him.
"You got it Er. Good luck tonight." He said hanging up the phone. She dropped the phone onto the mattress and wrapped her hands around his face gently lifting his head.
When she looked into his eyes she saw raged panic, "Kelly focus on my eyes." She whispered, trying to gently wake him. It took a few seconds for him to blink and when he did his eyes immediately filled with tears, "I've got you." She whispered again as she moved them both back where they were face to face.
"How did I get so fucked up?"
"Being too tired for too long...feeling alone...not sleeping...pushing everyone away...you are a good man." She told him, "you are a good man."
"I want to save her...I tried to...but Jeff said her body can't handle the transplant." He said weakly.
"You need to sleep."
"Erin I...will I ever feel good again?" He said reaching into his pocket for his vibrating phone. She saw Hermans name on the screen before he set it down on the bed. "I don't want to feel the way I do about myself."
"You will get there. Someday you will see the guy I see." Erin told him as she wrapped his arms around her and she snuggled into his chest. "I've missed you." She told him as she closed her eyes.
"Will you be here when I wake up?" He asked pulling himself even closer to her.
"Mmmhmm." She answered as he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The next time his eyes opened the sun was streaming in the window and Erin was asleep with her head on his chest. He had managed to sleep several hours without waking up.
"You ready to head back to the city?" Erin asked waking up a couple minutes later.
"Will you come if I...?"
"I will come by after shift and chill for a bit." Erin smiled at him.
Erin strolled into the pen at exactly noon and sat down at her desk. She felt everyone's eyes on her and watched as Jay walked from the break room towards her desk with a steaming cup of coffee. "Hank wants you in his office." Jay said nodding to the closed door.
She took the coffe with an eye roll and stood up and walked into the office without knocking. "His head in the right place to be on shift?"
"Where he is surrounded by family and has a purpose...yeah."
"This transplant girl?"
"Not strong enough. Cancer sucks." Erin answered giving Hank a look. "I'm going to the firehouse after shift."
"Halstead know?"
"Was going to bring him with me."
"Unless we pickup a case you are catching up on paperwork."
"Riviting."
"Do you have any idea how far behind we are on stuff? Ruzek is testifying in court next week and hasn't done his final report for the damn lawyers yet."
"Got it. For those of us who are caught up we get to help our younger siblings."
"Lindsay."
"Love you too Dad." Erin smirked before walking out of his office. She already knew everything he had to say and that he really just wanted to check in and see how she was doing.
The day, despite being stuck at the desk went by relatively quickly. A little after four she got a text from Capp, 'Fieldtrip to Med. Anna refused to see him. Back at 51 now.'
"Halstead with me." Erin said standing up and quickly grabbing her coat and throwing it over her shoulder.
"New case?" Ruzek asked as they were walking out.
"Shut up and work." Jay yelled behind him. "What happened to Kelly?" He asked when they got onto the road.
"He couldn't see her." She shrugged. "Figured if Capp was texting and not him..."
"So I am just there to entertain the smoke junkies?" He smirked
"You can listen to Ruzek complain some more if you would rather."
Walking up to 51 they saw Tony, Capp and Cruz sitting around the squad table and she raised an eyebrow, "In his office with Casey." Capp said, "Halstead you in on the next hand?"
Leaving Jay with the guys she went in and upstairs where she found Stella pacing in the hall. "Why does he care so much about this chick?"
"More about himself than her." Erin said, "What happened?"
"When they got back he was like a totally different person...walking in and into Casey's office he didn't even look up...didn't say anything...just hands in his pocket...I don't like it."
"Fairly certain he doesn't either." Erin monotoned as she walked into the bunk room headed for the small room for their office.
She stuck her head into his and didn't find him so she went next door to Casey's and let herself in. Casey was sitting in his chair spun around, he nodded to her to come in and she closed the door behind her and knelt down on the floor in front of Kelly.
"Kell...?"
"They wouldn't let me in to see her."
"And that made you feel..."
"Panic."
"So you found somewhere you felt safe...with someone you trust..."
"If she dies...I can save her...but...I was ready to save her..."
"Her doctors..."
"Jeff said if she doesn't get my bone marrow she will die...then he said she wasn't strong enough to get it...which means she will die...so why won't they let her try?" He asked with tears in his eyes.
Erin put her hand on his knee and moved to sit next to him. "Cancer sucks." She felt Casey's eyes on them as she watched the tears fall from Kelly eyes and she put her arm around his back and he curled down with his head on her lap. He pulled her hand and held it to his chest like a security blanket as she used her other hand to run her fingers through his hair.
"I wish Shay was still here." Kelly said barely above a whisper as a fresh wave of grief washed over him. She scooted back so she was leaning against the wall and pulled him into her so his back was now toward Casey; his left arm wrapped around her back and his head wedged between her knee and her chest, his knees drawn up and curled around her.
"Shay will always be here...in your heart...in the hearts of those of you who knew her...that is why 51 is safe Kelly...51 is Shay." Erin said as she watched Casey wipe the tears from his own eyes.
"I just want to be good." He whispered into her chest.
"You are not like Benny." Erin reminded him as she pulled him even closer, resting her cheek on his forehead. Looking again at Casey, seeing the tears slide down his cheeks.
"You are one of the best guys a know." Matt told him as he slid his chair closer to rest a hand on Kelly's shoulder, "You are a good man."
Erin put her hand on Matt's and squeezed it, "What you do everyday...what you see...the dark sides of Chicago...it takes a good person...and it is okay to let the other good guys see you hurting...chances are at some point they will be hurting too...you guys at 51 are a family...first responders are a family. You have each other's backs...you two carry the weight of everyone in your house...but you forget everyone in your house can help you carry the load."
Casey slowly nodded and pulled his hand back to wipe the tears from his eyes. "Do you know who sent me a text this afternoon? Who told me you couldn't see her? Capp did. Do you know who called me when your car was found? That was Herman. Do you know who is downstairs with your guys now? Well that is Halstead. We've all got your back. That goes for you too Casey...after you and Gabi lost the baby...Herman was right there..."
Casey let out a sob at the mention of the child that had been miscarried and Erin motioned him to move over to the bed and he leaned against her shoulder as she wrapped her arm around him. "We all try and hold everything in but at some point we can't hold anymore and that is okay." Erin felt both of the men nod. When Casey started to pull away she pulled him back, "Here for you too Matty." She whispered and quickly felt him settle into her side.
"All of our childhoods sucked...had to learn young to get by on our own...but I swear to you guys...it is okay to be a little bit broken." Erin felt Kelly squeeze onto her and Matt melted into her side. "Matty you can turn so it is more comfortable you know."
He moved around so he was curled into the wall, his head half leaning on her shoulder and half on the top of Kelly's head and she weaved her arm so it was like a seatbelt across his chest. "Relax now, deep breaths...whatever you are holding inside...just let it go.
"You know when my mom killed my dad...right in front of me...that night was the worst but you...until my sister...and then...my fiancé...Voight got her killed...well...he didn't stop it...and then Andy...and Shay...I just..." Matt said, his voice breaking.
"You can't stop the Earth from spinning...life sucks sometimes...choices...all you can do is find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other."
"Once a foster kid always a foster kid...right?" Kelly asked.
"Doesn't matter if it was for a night, a month...or years...we stick together." Erin answered. She knew...Matt was brought into the group home she was in the night it happened. She held him that night and he was sent out the next morning. It wasn't until the mess with Hank that she even realized the Matty she remembered was the same person.
"You called me Matty." Casey whispered before grabbing her arm with a death grip shaking as he let the emotion wash over him.
Erin didn't say anything, she just held both lieutenants tight against her. She felt as their breathing evened, as their heads and bodies relaxed further into her. She looked up as she felt the rush of air from the door being swung open to find Chief Bowden standing over completely speechless.
"Divert all calls for the next hour." He finally said into his radio as he sat down in Casey's chair eying his men. "I knew Severide was having a rough time but..."
"Matty was brought to the group home I was in the night his father was killed...Kelly came to him...I got a text from Capp I should come down. Some of us suck at emotional anything until it..."
"Until it leads to both of my lieutenants being held by our neighborhood friendly detective." Bowden gave a sad smile.
"They are good guys."
"Dawson is going to want to know what is going on, she has been outside pacing with a few of them."
"You can tell her or you can have her come in herself. Not exactly entertaining to be a pillow, Chief...but these two...they need to sleep."
He nodded and stood up. She could hear him yell at those who were hovering in the hall to mind their own business and she couldn't help but chuckle. The firehouse was no different than pd.
A few seconds later Gabi walked into Casey's office with a very confused look on her face as she sat down speechless in her husbands chair. Erin didn't move from her position, one arm around each lieutenant as they slept.
After staring for nearly a half hour Gabi finally whispered, "Matt hardly even lets me comfort him after a bad day...he has tear stains on his face and he is sleeping snuggled into your side."
"Kelly came to him today...once I got him talking...it was hard for Matt to see..."
"I know there is more to the story than that but...how did you get him to voluntarily do anything more than a quick hug before shutting off...you got him to talk..."
"Did you know he spent a night in a group home...when his dad was killed?" Erin interrupted.
"Knew he was in the system...he knew a lot when we had Louie...always seemed to know what to say to him."
"When they brought him in...he didn't even have a change of clothes...a cop just dropped him off...and the home...well they didn't care how we were doing...just that they got paid for being open." Erin took a deep breath and held a little tighter to Matt as she spoke noticing the subtle change in his breathing. "There were about 15 of us there...girls had a big room full of bunk beds, boys had the same. Big living space with a few couches and a tv and some tables for homework...but pretty much no one paid any attention to what people were doing as long as it was quiet. When the police officer left Matty he just stood in the doorway...didn't move...didn't talk when the folks tried to talk to him...after like a half hour hearing some of the others laugh at him I got up and went over..."
Gabi saw as Matt woke up and clung to Erin, it hurt that it wasn't to her but she was thankful that her husband was letting them in at all.
Feeling a fresh batch of tears fall onto her arm she pulled her arm away from Kelly...who was also awake and listening and began running her fingers through Matt's hair. "I put my arm on his shoulder and led him over to the couch where he sat down next to me. He didn't move or speak but I heard the caretakers say his name...and what happened...after most everyone went to bed. Once they went back to their office and it was just us sitting in front of the tv I put my arm around him and he curled himself around me kinda like he is now."
Gabi had tears in her eyes as she listened to Erin's recollection of the worst night of her husbands life. The part of his life he never spoke about...ever...to anyone.
"Matty I promised you that you will find a way to get through it...he held onto me like he...well like he is now...I just kept telling him he would get through...that he was safe for the night...I held him as he fell asleep. When I tried to move to go to bed he started to cry again so I just stayed on the couch holding him all night."
"Thank you." Gabi whispered as she put her hand on Matt's back.
"I didn't realize he was the same kid until Voight got him into the mess...and he never said anything so I didn't say anything...but today I called him Matty..."Erin finished.
"No one has called me Matty except you...". Matt said with a gravely voice.
"The two of you." Erin said squeezing her arms into both men, "are stronger than most of the people I know. We just have to remember it is Okay to let other people in when we are hurting."
Gabi sat silently watching their interaction. Watched as her husband closed his eyes and relaxed back into Erin quickly falling asleep, Kelly soon thereafter. "They don't get much sleep...when they are here they watch over the rest of you...when they are home they still think they should be here...They work until they crash and then go again. I did the same thing until a couple years ago. Growing up how I did...how we did...with dysfunctional parents...we couldn't ever really relax...unless there was another one of us keeping watch. Keeping us safe."
"He went to live with his family though...his sister..."
"He was in the system until his family was cleared...that takes a while. And he has had issues since with his mom..."
"And issues with his dad even before all of that..." Kelly said barely above a whisper.
"How did I not put it all together? Shit... I don't know him at all and he is my husband." Gabi mumbled. "He is always there for me but I...I didn't realize I needed to be there for him.
"Doubt he will let himself be this vulnerable for a long time...after Hallie died...that's when he told me...even then...he didn't...told me on the roof as we shared a cigar." Kelly said scooting so he was sitting up, "Erin...something about her...makes us spill our guts."
Erin saw him check his watch and saw a few hours had passed. "You good Kell?"
"Boden took us offline for a few hours... has the guys deep cleaning the rigs...like everything taken out deep cleaned."
"What is Jay doing?" Erin asked.
"He was talking to Stella and Boden in Bodens office." Gabi shrugged standing up. "Erin...thank you. He clearly needed this...and thank you for taking care of him back when..."
"You guys need to step up and be in the lead for the rough stuff...when we lost Nadia...Our team...we really do have slumber parties... crying... hugging... holding... physical touch... we all need it. Helps turn your team into a family."
Gabi nodded and left with a sad smile leaving Erin alone with the two. "You might as well lay back down and get some more sleep Kell...He is out out." She said as Matt's head slid back at an uncomfortable angle and a small snore escaped his throat.
"Do your wiggle thing and make him comfortable then I will lay down...not tired though."
"Wiggle thing?" Erin snickered.
"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about."
Erin bent her knee and weaved her arm under Casey's side and lifted him up pulling him across her body. Matt wrapped his arm around her waist as his head settled on her shoulder. Erin held his body to her by bending her knee and ran her fingers through his hair as his breathing slowed and he slipped back into a deep sleep.
"You want me to go check on Jay?" Kelly asked.
"Need a break?" Erin asked reaching out and squeezing his hand.
"He needs you right now...I need you to make him okay." He said standing up.
"Go kick Jays ass at poker." Erin smiled.