What is Love without Lust?

~Part 3~

Closing the door softly behind her, Sakura felt completely horrible in more ways than one. It was hard to ignore Kakashi's persistent knocks, but she was too damned embarrassed to face him after running away like she did. The fact that he came all the way to even bring the small amount of groceries she had left behind made her feel so much more miserable.

With a dejected sigh, she shuffled her feet slowly across the cold wooden floor into the kitchen, putting away the guilt-ridden vegetables and canned goods in the cupboards. She really had no idea what to even say to him next time they met. What even remotely believable excuse could she come up for her odd behavior besides confessing her feelings?

Walking into the bedroom once she was finished, she fell into the bed face down with a heavy sigh. Why did she have to act like such a blundering idiot around him? And why couldn't she just tell him?

Rejection was something she was all too familiar with. After her childhood infatuation with Sasuke, she couldn't help but feel afraid to love someone again. She didn't even think she was capable up until now. It wasn't something she had planned for. It just happened. But her feelings for Kakashi were so different in comparison though. Maybe it was because she was older and her desires were stronger, but now her heart just felt so much heavier at the idea he didn't know she more or less existed on a romantic level.

A knock sounded off in the distance, making her shoot up from the bed in fear. He didn't come back again, did he? She should have just left the groceries outside to rot…

"Forehead! Open up!"

Her heart eased. There was only one person who would fondly call her that.

Scrambling out of the bed, she composed herself and went to open the door. "Hey, Pig," Sakura greeted.

The blond shot her a playful glare. "Are you doing anything right now?"

Sakura sighed, leaning against the doorway. "Just wallowing in self pity."

"Fantastic," she replied half-sarcastically. "Then that means you're coming with me to go shopping."

"Uh, no, Ino," Sakura protested. "There's no way I'm going anywhere tonight."

Ino rolled her eyes and tugged at her hand to come out. "Stop being a hermit. I really need a new dress and you and I both know you do, too, so let's go and have fun, okay?"

With another sigh, she shook her head. "I'm really not in the mood..."

Her friend's blue eyes softened. "Why? What's wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it," she mumbled.

"Sakura… Please tell me? I'm your friend," she urged. Sakura formed an apologetic smile in response, but remained silent. After some internal thought, Ino pushed past Sakura through the doorway. "Shopping can cure anything. Grab your stuff and let's go."

Sakura groaned at that proclamation. When Ino made up her mind about something, she would do anything in her power to make it happen.

Turning on her heel, she mumbled a few inaudible words and closed the door behind her to reluctantly gather her money pouch. It was true that they had discussed a few days ago in wanting to find some new outfits, but it figured that out of all the days, Ino picked the most inconvenient one.

Long as she avoided Kakashi it would be fine, she figured. Maybe a little retail therapy would help take her mind off that he would be out on a date with some woman tonight. The chances of them running into each other in the shopping district were slim to none. He never hanged around there since he wasn't one to splurge on clothes or anything else for that matter. Besides, after they finished she was going to go straight home.

"Okay, Pig. I'll go shopping with you."

"That's what I want to hear," Ino beamed.

Kakashi drummed his fingers on the counter after taking a drink from his beer. He needed to meet his date soon, in fact, he was running late already. Usually at this hour he would be planning about what to say or do once he got there, but his mind only kept thinking about Sakura.

Why did it have to bother him so much that she was avoiding him? He wanted to do nothing else right now, but apologize to her. Not only just from making her upset from today, but whatever he did in the past to make her act so strange around him. Save whatever friendship they had left between them. Why did it always seem like he managed to fuck up relationships without trying?

After emptying the bottle in his hand, he raised his mask back up again and dropped a few bills on the table. Turning from his stool to leave, he sighed before taking a heavy step.

Dread.

Why did he feel so much dread?

Exiting from the smoky bar, he stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked towards the open moon as he wandered through the crowds. He so wasn't in the mood to meet this random woman that was set up for him by a friend. The least he could do is man up and show up.

Yet his legs seemed to have a mind of their own as they treaded towards a familiar path that led towards a particular house with a red door. When he was only a few steps away from it, he stopped.

"What the hell am I doing?" he mumbled aloud to himself.

He shouldn't be here. He needed to go back towards whatever poor woman was waiting for him at some restaurant alone. But he just didn't care. He wanted to be here.

The lights were on, so there was little doubt that she wasn't home. Would she still try to avoid him? It's what she wanted, but still. How could he leave it at that between them? Maybe it was all in vain, but he just wanted to say he was sorry.

Knocking briefly on the door, he stood still in the darkness. A rushed thought came to his mind that perhaps this was a mistake. That maybe he should just turn back right now, but the door opened before he could fully change his mind.

"Ino, I told you it was unlocked-" She stopped mid-sentence, looking up unexpectedly at the tall figure before her. Her mouth dropped opened first in surprise, then in anguish. "Kakashi…"

Glancing over her pink locks that were pinned up into curlers, he lowered his eye at the uncut tag that was dangling from the small strap that slipped down her shoulder. Her smooth milky skin almost seemed to glow from the yellow lighting from behind.

She was beautiful, he thought. As she always was. She was a woman and anyone could see that as clear as day, but he tried not to think about it. He always felt guilty about seeing in her in that way ever since she had grown up. He was originally her sensei when she was a Genin… there had always been that weird mentor/student relationship because of it. Even though he wasn't formally her teacher anymore, he still felt that separation for a long time. But like a true mentor, he was proud of her accomplishments through the years under Tsunade's guidance. The previous Hokage did more for her than he ever could as a teacher which added another notch of unspoken guilt.

The past was the past though. People changed much like the seasons and terrain did around them. Even Konoha had a new foundation now both literally and figuratively. Mistakes could be forgiven and new bonds could be formed between villages and villagers alike.

Once Naruto returned from training with the late Jiraiya all those years ago, they began to be a team again, but in a different way. Perhaps a little broken, but were now stronger because of it. After the war, this was even more so the case.

From the times they spent together throughout the years, he always felt such an admiration for Sakura that he couldn't explain. It was more than just her character, capabilities or how she grew up. It was more meaningful than that.

Realizing he was staring, his thoughts broke as Sakura visibly seemed to shrink under his lingered gaze, inching more behind the door.

"Sakura," he sighed, uneasily shifting his weight to see her better through the crack of the door. "I didn't mean to come at a bad time… and I know you don't care to talk to me right now, but I just had to say I'm sorry about before. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable at the question. That wasn't my intention."

She blinked at his words. "But… I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm not mad at you or anything, Kakashi. I just, well…"

Chirps of crickets tucked away in the dark foliage beneath the porch filled the silence as he debated carefully what to say next.

Leaning against the door frame, he shook his head. "Look, Sakura… if you're not mad, then why do you try so hard to avoid me lately? It's not just today, but it's been this way for months. I haven't brought it up before, but it bothers me a lot. What did I do? Whatever it is, I'm sorry. I think of you more than just a teammate, you're a friend. I don't want to lose that."

"A friend," she repeated, feeling as if those two words were burning her lips.

"Do you not want to be friends?" he asked.

"No," she murmured, looking away.

He flinched at her reply and straightened his stance. He couldn't believe it. "Why?"

Her cheeks warmed, still painfully trying not to look at him. "Don't you have a date tonight, Kakashi?" she suddenly asked.

"I can care less," he replied flatly, irritated at her avoiding his question. "I didn't want to end the day on bad terms with you, so I wanted to see you. Sakura, please… just tell me what the hell I did to upset you. Why don't you even want to be friends?"

Tightening her hand against the doorknob, she made a weak sigh. She was inwardly happy to hear that he hadn't gone on that date which bothered her to no end all day. He wanted to come here instead, but what did it really matter? He could never see her as she did him. If he did, wouldn't he have said so already? Hinted it? He was always so indifferent towards her.

"I just can't," she finally replied.

Attempting to close the door, he wedged his foot in the closing gap to stop her. "Don't," he gruffed.

"Kakashi-"

"This is so God damn ridiculous. I don't understand any of it. Why are you acting this way? It's so unlike you," he lectured.

With no reply, he pulled back from the door and added, "You know what? If this is really what you want then fine. Maybe it's just easy for you to dismiss whatever relationship we had as teammates. It isn't for me. I felt like we were getting closer a few months ago and I liked it. I liked the change between us. It really made me optimistic for once compared to everything we've been through together and trust me, I've been through so much more than you in my entire lifetime."

"Kaka-"

"My mistake in feeling that way," he cut in. "That we could ever be friends."

He really was destined to be alone in every aspect of his life, wasn't he? Why did it always end up this way? He felt like a kid all over again in admitting that he felt hurt by it. Was he just a terrible person? Did he deserve it?

Of course he deserved it, his mind answered back. His father's death was his fault. He wasn't worth it enough to keep living for. Rin's death was his fault. Sasuke's death was his fault. Obito… his heart darkened.

"I give up," he whispered. Turning around, he quickly descended the steps and didn't look back.

He couldn't keep lying to himself. After the Forth War, there were some days he didn't care to see the sunrise or sunset anymore. Everyone was able to move on with their lives in time. Books didn't comfort him anymore. Every word just felt empty. There wasn't any joy in it anymore besides to keep up appearances.

This whole idea of wanting to find love was his excuse to find change along with everyone else. There wasn't a new future for him like so many have, he didn't see it anymore. It was a dream; a mistake. There was nothing to look forward to. He couldn't change how he was no matter how hard he might try. He was going to grow old, become bitterer and hate each passing day as he took in another breath. Wash and repeat.

Throwing himself into missions for most of his life, he knew it made no time to be with people. He didn't want to. Deep down he wish he'd find an honorable death on the battlefield. Always so close, but never came. Why was he always left alone? He couldn't even die along with everyone else. The war had claimed so many good people. People who didn't deserve to die, yet here he was.

Still here.

Feeling himself get yanked backwards, he snapped from his thoughts and turned to find Sakura gripping his jacket.

"I like you," she practically yelled, thankful that the night could cover the deep blush that spread across her cheeks. Clutching the front of her dress out of embarrassment, a few of her pinned curls had cascaded down her back from the frantic run she did to try and catch up to him.

"I like you, okay?" she repeated. "That's why I said we couldn't be friends. I like you so much more than that. I have for a long time now and I've been afraid to tell you… I don't want to lose you either. I figured that's all I'd be doing if I admitted it to you, but it's just… so hard watching you go out with someone else and it not being me."

"What?" he breathed as if the wind had just been knocked out of him.

"Don't make me repeat it again," she replied, feeling a little mortified as she unclenched his vest to take a step back.

"I… I'm not," he stuttered.

She sighed. "Its fine, I get it. I know you don't feel the same."

"That's not it," he rasped. "All this time I've been trying really hard not to feel something towards you beyond what I should. I'm not blind to how amazing and beautiful you are. I just didn't think you'd ever want to see me in that way. So, I wanted to be friends… and frankly spending time with you had been something that's made me happier than I have been in a long time. When you said you didn't want to friends, I just… lost hope."

He rubbed the bridge of his nose before adding, "I thought I was just making you uncomfortable lately because I annoyed you or something. I didn't dream that it was because you actually liked me… no one likes me in that way, Sakura…"

"No one ever likes me either," she murmured, nervously intertwining her fingers together. She looked up at him with a small smile.

"Impossible." He pried her hands apart to loosely take her hand into his. "I feel… really stupid. I should have realized it or talked to you about it sooner."

"Same can be said for me, but it doesn't matter anymore."

"How about I make it up with dinner?"

"N-now?" she asked.

"You do look like you were getting dressed to leave somewhere. Maybe another time?"

"Oh, no." She began to feel her hair and sighed at how ridiculous she must have looked. She wasn't even wearing shoes right now and her dress was unzipped halfway in the back. "Ino and I were just dressing up… it's something we do after we shop sometimes when we're bored. I'm…" She looked around. "She should have been back by now…"

He hummed. "Well, why not finish up getting ready and let's go. I'm sure she'll understand."

"Well, okay," she gushed perhaps a little too excitedly at the turn of events tonight. "But, what about whoever you were supposed to meet…? I mean…"

"Don't even worry about it," he assured.

Hesitantly she nodded and before running back to the house, she said "Be back in five minutes."

Ino raised her brows at watching the entire exchange from a nearby tree, but smiled for them both. "Guess we'll have girl time another night," she said, placing the bag of goodies she had brought into her pack before leaping once again on the rooftops.

[ Author Note: Seriously. Pocket of Tangents. Asdgh;asdgh. Ugh. This whole thing all together from the previous parts is over 5k. -sobs and flails arms around-

-points an accusing finger to Prescripto13- You made me think about cannon feels. Oh, God, cannon. -sobs more and quietly erodes away into dust-

Hope yall enjoyed this random put together oneshot. After much debate, I ended up making this end on a happy note, so -throws confetti in the air- T_T ]