Downward Spiral

Disclaimer: Don't own Victorious

A/N:

Chapter 38 (Hope for Change)

Trina paced the living room, running her hand vigorously through her hair as she complained to her father about everything going on. She was in a panicked state, and couldn't seem to calm herself. "The past is past, sweetheart, there is nothing we can do to change what happens to us. We can always move forward though, we can always grow and improve our future."

"How? Everything's going haywire." Trina stopped in the center of the round rug on the floor and swept her hand across her brow before letting it fall to her hip. "I can't keep up with my payments at the probation, courts and stupid victim restitution. Then the worst person ever ends up interning there!"

"Worst?" Gary raised his eyebrows and smiled faintly. "Are you sure about that, now?" She dropped her gaze with a sigh and brought her fingers to the tip of her forehead.

"No, I'm overreacting. She was the worst of the bullies though. I have to deal with that while dealing with the flashbacks." She sat beside Gary and leaned sideways into him. Her eyes stared blankly in front of her and her mouth dipped into a deep frown.

"All I ever wanted was to be liked by someone, to be accepted and have friends. She made me feel hated, she made me feel ugly and pathetic…" Tears welled up in her eyes as Gary put an arm around her. "As if that man mom married wasn't already doing that, I didn't need other people confirming his abuse."

"I know."

"Then Tori had that stupid thing." She wiped beneath her eyes and shook her head slowly. Her every breath felt like an intake of fire shooting into her lungs. "Made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells, that I had to be extra careful what I'd say or she'd fly off the handle."

"It feels like an impossible situation. I know. Things will get better, Trina, trust me. It doesn't seem like it now, but I promise you things will get better." A sniffle left her and she wiped the moisture from beneath her eyes.

"Does it seem melodramatic to say my life is over?" Gary chuckled once and rubbed her back. "I mean, I love my job at the bakery, but it isn't what I want to do with my life. It isn't what I wanted either, and what I wanted, I might not be able to do because of my probation."

"What did you want to do? What area?"

"I don't know." She grabbed a tissue from the end table and blew her nose. When she pulled it away and looked to her reflection in the coffee table glass, she shuddered in horror at the puffy eyes and swollen cheeks. "I wanted to be a detective, maybe go into forensics or criminal justice. Those careers are shut tight now, I bet."

"Of course not. There are a number of people working in courts, corrections, or even law enforcement that might have been on probation. Sure, some jobs are harder to get and some you can't get, but you still have options. Don't ever forget that."

She smiled, her heart lifting up briefly. "I'll try not to." She looked around at some of the military décor, feeling inspired. "Maybe I could go into the military. Be like a lady navy seal or something." Gary raised his eyebrows and laughed.

"I don't think your mother would be too happy about that." She laughed in response, then fell silent. Her sobering gaze drifted to the end table and her head tilted to the right.

It didn't matter if her mom would like it or not, though it still hurt to think about her mother's stance on the military. Or at least, her mother's decision to leave Gary for David all those years ago. "What about you? If I did go into the military…not saying I want to, just, you know…"

Gary's mouth appeared to tighten and his chest expanded slowly. Trina looked up at him with curious eyes, waiting for a reply. "I wouldn't like it much myself, but I know both I and your mother would be supportive." Her smile returned, though she wasn't sure why he wouldn't want her going in. "It's a dangerous time and a dangerous job, even more if you were to try and be a Seal. There's the pride of having a child in the military, but there's the agonizing fear of them never coming home."

"I get it. Do you think I'd even be eligible for the military?"

"I'm not certain." Gary scratched his chin and looked up in thought. "Possibly once your probation is through. During? Likely not, or at the very least, it would be hard to get in."

That came as no surprise, but as nice as the thought of joining the military was, Trina didn't feel truly compelled to take that route. It was nothing more than a passing thought.

Aside from the fleeting distraction, she felt that nagging depression returning to her. It was difficult for her to feel confident or in control anymore. Where she once thought she was capable of going forward, everything was collapsing again.

"What will I do about college? What will I do about the fines I owe? What will I do about Lizzie's intern being the girl that constantly attacked me in school? I've got so many things going wrong right now, I can't even see a light at the end of the tunnel."

Gary put his arms around her, hugging her tight. It comforted her, easing some of the pain and fear, but still the doubt remained. "You will make it. It will be okay."

"I wish I had the faith to see that. I wish I could be strong enough to deal with it."

"You are. You've been strong for so long, you know." She closed her eyes and breathed out. It was great to not be alone in this anymore, to feel like she didn't need to shoulder the weight of the world all by herself. It was still hard, and she still felt like an emotional wreck, but it was easier. "And to answer your earlier question. No, it's not melodramatic, and as hard as it is to believe, your life isn't over or ruined."

Gary's eyes drifted to a checkbook that had been placed on the end table. He started to reach for it and Trina leaned over, curious what he was doing. "I know you've been wanting to do this all yourself. To be independent, but I want to help you. So, I've been considering this…"

"What?" He opened the book to reveal a check made out to the probation office. Her eyes grew and she started shaking her head. "Y-You don't have to pay my fees," she stammered. "I'm not asking you to do that." Gary smiled gently and chuckled softly.

"I know, but you're my daughter and I want to." He closed the book. Tears welled up in her eyes and she reached over, placing her trembling fingers on the checkbook. "Hell, David even convinced the judge not to let me pay child support upon divorce. Let me do this for you. Your probation total, court fees, and even victim restitution. So you won't have to worry about being behind."

Her heart beat heavily within her, and she fought to find the words to say. She didn't want anyone to think she was asking him to do this, but she understood why he wanted to. "Are you sure?" She looked up at him, holding her breath as she studied his fatherly gaze.

"Yeah. I also want to help you when and if you decide to go to college." He held up the checkbook, waving it in the air before bringing it down to the coffee table. "This way you can relax and make it through your probation without worrying about having to make payments."

"You're paying the total? Seriously?"

"Yes. I don't want you to worry about payments to something you don't deserve to be on. I want you to live your life, save up some of the money you're earning from the bakery, and move forward."

Her heart swelled and her trembling fingers whisked away the joyous tears escaping her eyes. "What does mom think?"

"Your mother seems okay with it." He leaned to the right and folded his arms. "She wanted to put some forward for you as well, but I asked her not to. I don't want her running the risk of David getting pissed off that their family income gets spent…"

"Oh." She bowed her head and pressed her lips together. "Yeah, that's fair." Her fingers curled into her palms and her breathing grew steady. "I don't want you to pay all of my college. I want to try and be responsible for some of that."

"Fair enough." His eyes lit up with pride, and his smile increased. "Are you saying you for sure want to go?" She paused, looking off to the side for the moment. It was hard to say. She didn't want to say she got her GED for nothing. On one hand, the aspect of college was terrifying; but on the other, Trina felt ready to take it on.

"Do you think I can do it?"

"I think you can do anything you set your mind to, Trina. Your mom and I believe in you, so now you have to believe in yourself." With a sniffle, she nodded and bowed her head.

Her arms stretched out and her hands grasped her knees firmly while he arched her back to tighten the muscles back there. The thoughts that ran rampant through her mind were the concerns that kept her from being entirely sure; the demons which she may face.

The last time she'd been in school, Tori had her group of friends and practically the entire school picking on her. It wasn't all on them, so much as it was her own behavior at times, but they still were responsible for their actions just as much as she was responsible for hers.

At the same time, college could be a fresh start. Her slate could be wiped clean if she stayed in good shape on probation, and college would certainly show the judge that she was dedicated to betterment.

There was also the nagging fear that she might run into her prior bullies, but that fear was moot now that the queen of them was her supervising officer's intern.

Trina dropped her shoulders down and nodded once more. "I want to." She looked up, meeting her father's proud eyes. "I really do. I'm scared to though, because I don't know what it's going to be like."

"I'm glad to hear that. What are you afraid of?"

"I don't know. A lot. Maybe I'm afraid they won't let me in, maybe I'm afraid nobody's going to like me there. I'll be a loner, an outcast…all over again. I don't want that."

"Something tells me you'll make plenty of friends." He pat her back, soothing her a bit. "Just be yourself, and don't try too hard. Remember, it's not important that everyone likes you." She raised her eyebrows and blinked several times. "One true who knows your heart matters more than one hundred people that know little more than your name."

He was right, and his words inspired a thought. She didn't know whether or not to start out at a four year university, but maybe she didn't have to. "You know, Cat says she's started out at a community college…Maybe I could go there?"

"Oh?"

Trina shrugged. "I might have classes with her. She could show me around campus." She couldn't help but to like the girl. After all, they were slowly on the way to becoming friends now. "Cat seems genuine. We've been getting along and she's always wanting to hang out."

"She's been the one pursuing a friendship?"

"Yeah."

"Then I would say to go ahead and be a friend. You're thinking of going to her college?"

"I am." She did some research on it, but not a great deal. Her looking into colleges had been little more than curiosities in the midst of boredom. Spurs of the moment. "I wouldn't mind going to a big university like UCLA, but that's a lot of cost and really kind of intimidating."

Gary ran his finger over his chin and started humming. "I agree. A smaller, junior college might be better to start out for. You'd get more of a taste of college." He whisked his hand from his chin. "I'm proud of you. You're making decisions for your life, you know."

Her heart skipped and she leaned over, hugging her father. She didn't know where she'd be without him now. Finally, things were starting to look like they might improve; or at least she could see a glimmer of a future somewhere.

She didn't know what that future would be or where she'd end up, but she knew she had a future somewhere and it would be a better one than she thought she'd have years ago.

What are your thoughts and observations here? Do tell