not smeyer. you know this.
a/n: i got wordy. i had to break up the chapter. it should be coming to you tomorrow night as i won't have time on wednesday. extra special thanks to mskathy for staying up later than she was supposed to in order to read thru this. i cannot post PT without her supah masta beta skills as i have grown so accustomed to her opinion. she is definitely gettin some sbux for it. love ya beyotch. and sorry i made you cry :(
fyi: words that are both italicized and in quotes are the lyrics Edward sings. just italicized words are Bella's thoughts.
oh shit! i almost forgot...like srsly was a click of a button away from posting before i realized that i hadn't posted the song. duh. omg...*deep breath* you really should go to youtube or d/l this song bc IMO it makes the scene that much better. this is the scene that has played out in my mind from basically day one. guh what it does to me.
chapter song is:
"I'll Catch You" by the get up kids. (word to the wise...if you go to youtube for the song..i recommend not watching the vid as there is a very very emo one that will prob just make you even more depressed. the point of this chapter is to get us to happier times!). and as much as i really wanted to post all the lyrics to the song...i restrained myself. i know that gets annoying. so if you don't watch/listen to the song, might i suggest at least looking up the full lyrics? they are not all 100 percent applicable, but you get the idea.
When last we saw Bella…
My feet carried me to the open window, my hand inches away from pulling the curtain back to see what was going on outside. I stopped when I realized that soft music was floating up to my ears. Then the vocals joined in, and I knew...
"Can you sleep as the sound hits your ear one at a time…"
There was no mistaking that voice. No one on Earth could compare to how beautiful that voice sounded to me; how that voice made me feel every time I heard it. There was no forgetting the rich timbre and smooth texture, how even in everyday speech there was a lilt that sounded musical.
Edward.
My heart lurched and my breath caught in my throat as he continued singing. The words rolled off his tongue, ringing with a conviction that I hoped was sincere.
"That I should stare at receivers to receive her isn't fair."
Am I dreaming? He can't really be here outside my window. Because if Edward is here, singing me this song, then that would mean…
My brain couldn't even finish that thought. Just in case I was wrong or this really was a dream, my brain was trying to protect me from further pain.
Instead of throwing the curtains back so he'd see me, I stayed hidden, gazing down at Edward through the space between window and fabric. I didn't want him to see me, not yet, not now. But I did want to watch him.
A full moon hung low in the sky, illuminating the scene before me. Edward's skin looked ghostly pale in the wash of moonlight. His face was cast down as his long, skilled fingers moved slowly and smoothly along the keys. I got lost in the sight of his fingers; how they caressed each black and white key, much like they had done to my skin.
More than anything I wanted to see his face. I had missed those intense green eyes, the straight nose sloping down to a set of perfect lips, made even better whenever they slid into that crooked smile. Only there was no lopsided grin playing on his face, just lips opening to allow sound to come out; a determined look on his face.
As if he could read my thoughts, Edward looked up at my window. His usually clean shaven face was covered with at least a week's worth of stubble, bordering full on beard status. I had only ever seen him go a few days without shaving, the worst being when he was studying for the MCATs. It was surprisingly sexy. I willed the thought away as much as possible. Now was not the time.
His eyes glowed under the moonlight and seemed to pierce straight through the fabric. The determined look had changed to something almost fierce and so much more than intense. If I hadn't known the curtain was blocking his view, I would have sworn he was looking right at me.
"Don't worry I'll catch you. Don't ever worry."
Clouds were starting to roll in quickly, a sure sign of a storm on the move. I could hear the soft pattering of rain drops as they hit the roof. Edward was still staring up at my window, despite the light rain falling gently into his eyes.
"Your arms in mine anytime."
At this point the rain had started falling faster to the damp earth below. Edward's eyes slid closed but his head remained tilted up towards where I stood, as if trying to stay connected to me regardless of whether he could see or not. Dark spots began to bleed through his clothes where each drop struck him.
"Wouldn't trade anything. You're still my everything."
I felt tears begin to form at the corners of my eyes. Did he mean all of the lyrics? Could I still be his everything?
"Don't worry I'll catch you. Don't ever worry."
A peal of lightening cracked open the sky, letting out a torrent of rain. The tone of the music had changed, forceful and passionate. Mother Nature was listening to Edward's plea, her storm swirling and raging around him in an expression of his song. Her tears drenched him completely, the thin grey t-shirt he wore now plastered against his well defined chest.
"Still breaking old habits when you pulled the wool over me."
I watched in complete wonder as Edward's face twisted in agony, eyebrows furrowed together. His face was lifted up again, eyes shut tight as the rain beat down on him. His normally bronze hair was darker from the rain and falling into his face. A few stray locks curled around his eyes, brushing his lashes. My hand twitched at my side, longing to move his hair back and away from his face.
"I can see everything. Remembering. Jinx removing."
Without realizing that it was moving, I noticed my hand go towards the curtain, only seconds away from pulling it back. I didn't want him to see me still. I didn't know why, only that I wasn't ready.
His fingers beat out the notes, powerful and passionate. He was always so expressive when he played. Tonight though the feelings he evoked were even stronger. Despite how horrible I had felt for the past few weeks, I hurt to see him like this. Despite the pain I was in, I never wanted Edward to be in pain.
As the music began to slow and soften, so did Edward's appearance. His forehead smoothed out as he continued with the chorus. I thought I could see his face silently pleading through the notes he played.
"Don't worry I'll catch you. Don't ever worry."
He opened one eye briefly as he looked up to my window, looking anxious and almost expectant, but he didn't see me. I felt a new ache in my heart as I watched his head bow down and his shoulders hunch as he sang out the last two lines of the song.
"No need for reminding. You're still all that matters to me."
The last chord rang with a certain… finality. Almost like punctuation to the end of one long poignant statement. They seemed to solidify a feeling of remorse, at least that's how I interpreted things. The notes played on until fading out, being carried away by the wind.
Now that the song was over, my heart and mind were left to war against each other. I had felt every single word Edward had sang. Each word was so strong, so true, and so seemingly honest that I almost forgot what he had done to me. I almost forgot that he had left me at the airport.
Almost. But not quite.
Does he honestly think he can sing one song and all will be well? Fuck. That.
Just go down to him.
No. He doesn't deserve your attention.
But look at him! He's hurting! He's in pain! Don't you feel bad leaving him down there in the rain after that?
I hope he does feel bad. Don't you think he deserves it after how he hurt you?
He made a mistake.
Right, by being with you.
No! That was a lie. Can't you see that? He still loves you. He never stopped!
The declaration my heart had made to my brain made me stop everything. Even my heart seemed to still as I let that thought sink in. He still loves you. He never stopped. Did I really believe that? I didn't want to, not after what he did. But just like that, words I remembered spoke to me behind closed eyes.
"Don't you see Bella? All this time, my life was missing that one crucial piece - you." He had admitted that to me even before we started dating. He was so sure of his feelings even then, despite believing that I did not return them.
"Isabella Marie Swan. I love you." That was the first time he had told me he loved me, at least that I heard, just after the run in with Laurent over Thanksgiving.
"Don't worry love, I was made for you and you for me." How he eased my mind just before the first time we had made love.
"No, Bella, you don't understand. That was my first time making love to a woman. You are the only woman I have ever made love to, because you are the only woman I have ever loved." The thought of that revelation brought more tears to my eyes. I had cried then, too. Now it was so much more overwhelming after all we had been through.
"I fully intend on keeping you by my side at all times." New Year's Eve had been a night of romance as Edward showed me just how much he loved me.
"You are my life now, Bella." I wanted that statement to be true, even now after the breakup and weeks of being separated.
"Bella. I love you." Even in his sleep he told me so.
"Good. Because, Bella? All I want is for us to be together like this. No matter the time or the place. Just you and me love, forever." He had whispered the "forever" part so quietly I didn't know if he planned on me hearing it. But I did. And right now it was adding to all of his uttered words of love and devotion.
"I love you so much. Do you know that?" That was shortly before he had distanced himself from me, leading to our eventual breakup. Looking back it almost seemed as if he was saying it to reassure me, in case something came up that could call his love for me into question. And hadn't that happened?
All of a sudden Edward's voice morphed into the high breathy one of my best friend. Alice.
"He's doing this because he thinks it's best for you. Doesn't make it right... but deep down he had your best intentions at heart."
"What about all the times he told you he loved you? What about the time you spent together, the things you shared?"
"I think he loved you even back then."
"Love at first sight Bella. It exists."
"Edward told me the next day. You have no idea how long he had wanted to tell you. And when he finally did and you said it back? Bella, I had never seen him happier. He was practically glowing, and that is not even a term I like to use to describe men. But he was, because you loved him. Don't tell me that just suddenly went away for him, because it didn't."
Every conversation I had with Alice after my break up had resulted in either me yelling at Alice or crying as I hung up the phone. I was mad at her, mad that she was not being as sympathetic as I had wanted her to be. Sure she was comforting in other ways, but a true friend wouldn't have recalled all of the beautiful memories Edward and I had created together…memories that were so dangerously close to being tainted with how things ended.
"So…deep down I think you know he still loves you. Why else would you get something permanently marked on your body that reminds you of him?"
Did I know that deep down? My heart began to race in my chest as I thought through everything.
"Why are you so quick to deny it Bella? After all he did? How can you second guess all that he did, all that he said to you, because of a few stupid sentences?"
Alice's words struck me hard. He had done so many things right in our relationship. His words, his actions, his whole demeanor towards us as a couple were all ways to proclaim a love I had always felt. I was quick to deny everything because of fear of more rejection, of more pain. Yet there Edward stood, outside my window, having just sung me a beautiful song. He had sung to me and I stayed hidden, rejecting him in my own way because I was still hurting. While I felt I had every right to not go to him, I still wanted to. Because I still loved him. And I knew, after a time, I would forgive him.
I was done thinking, letting my mind choose my actions for me. My heart took over as I ran out of my room and down towards the front door. It wasn't enough for him to see me at my window. I wanted to go out to him. I silently thanked whatever higher power was watching over me as I sailed down the steps without faltering once. I had to skid to a stop as I got to the door.
Music was once again reaching my ears. The song was not recognizable to me though. I peered through the small window cut out of the front door to see Edward, fingers once again moving across the keys. If I had thought Edward looked intense before, it was nothing compared to his face now.
As he played the beginning of the song, his face was hard and stern. I could feel frustration, confusion, bewilderment in each note that he played. It reminded me of how we had first met; from the moment he first saw me in the lecture, Edward had given off the impression of resentment.
Luckily we got to know each other before any real anger could be felt towards one another. As I thought back to how fun it had been catching Edward in a lie, bringing him Panera soup when he was "sick," I noticed the song change tones. It sounded more playful and upbeat.
Before my eyes, I watched as Edward transformed along with the music. His lips curled slightly, curving up into a hint of the crooked smile I loved best. He was enjoying this part of the piece. I was too as I could only see the two of us as we began to realize how we felt, what our true feelings were.
My heart swelled as he continued playing, feeling love and happiness course through his fingertips and transmitting through the sounds coming from his keyboard. My mind took me back to how much we enjoyed being together. We loved so deeply and completely. When we were both stripped down between the sheets, we moved together as one person. It was beautiful and just… right.
When the song took on a more melancholy feel, I was positive this was a song about us. Edward had composed something to express our relationship. I was overwhelmed. When had he found time to write such an elaborate piece? Wasn't he busy getting ready for med school?
Wanting to find out, I opened the door and stepped outside. Edward's head was still down, eyes closed as his fingers moved slower and slower across the keys. The sound of the rain drowned out my footsteps as I walked along the porch. The ground was so soft and muddy that there was no way Edward would know I was approaching him. My mouth opened and closed several times to make my presence known, but I couldn't interrupt. I wanted to know how Edward would play out the remainder of the song. How did he see our relationship? Would it surge forward, minor turning into major to indicate a positive feel? Or would he let it fade out into nothing? I was nervous because however he chose to end this piece…would quite possibly spell out our own relationship.
Edward did not choose either of the paths I had conjured up. Instead, the music seemed to just stop, mid thought, without any hope for an ending; whether it be happy or sad. His head fell slowly, gracefully down to where his hands were resting on the keyboard. His knees were bent and shaking ever so slightly. Was it the cold? Or the weight of something intangible that caused him to buckle under the pressure?
"How does it end?" I had finally found my voice. I needed to know.
Edward's head popped up violently when he heard me. His eyes were wide, wet lashes clinging together from what I assumed was the rain. He couldn't have been crying, right?
"I-I-I don't know." His eyes turned down, staring at hands that were now wringing together in apparent unease.
"Happy or sad?"
This time his gaze moved up to my face slowly. He was searching my face for something, but of what I couldn't say. Was he hoping to see forgiveness in my eyes? Love? Impatience from me at his lack of answer?
"I don't know… yet."
"I'm sick of sad." It was a simple statement, but one hundred percent true.
"Me too." He stated the words quietly. The absolute anguish I heard in his voice tugged at me.
We stood and stared at each other for several long minutes. I was now completely soaked through like Edward. Despite it being summer, and how warm it had been earlier in the day, it was now turning unseasonably cold. The harsh wind was cutting through my wet clothes, making me shiver as if I were out in the middle of winter. I noticed Edward shiver slightly as well and the need to take care of him increased tenfold.
"You shouldn't be standing out here. You'll get sick." I turned back towards my door, left open in my haste to get out to Edward. I walked towards it, having no idea if he would follow or not. My ears could not pick up on any footsteps so I turned back to him. He was still standing at his keyboard, a look of despair radiating through every pore of his body. "Are you coming in or not?"
I was rewarded by another look of shock on his face. I had to turn away so he could not see the smile on my face. He must have crossed the lawn quicker than I thought possible because before I knew it, Edward had wrapped his arms around my waist, turning me to face him
"Oh Bella, my Bella, please forgive me. I am so sorry. I didn't mean… I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to make things better for you. I love you. I never stopped, not ever."
I wanted to say something back but his lips crashed down on mine before I had a chance to open them. The wind was causing the rain to fall at an angle, hitting Edward's back and my face as his mouth moved against mine. The warmth I felt from him coursed through my entire body, warming me head to toe. My body melted against his as he sucked and licked at my mouth, an eager and frantic kiss that was trying to get as much as possible; as if he was trying to make up for lost time between us. His hair fell into my face as we continued to kiss, twisting with mine as the wind howled around us.
This is too easy. You're letting him off too easy.
Yeah, I know. So?
He needs to answer for this Bella. Make him explain more. You deserve that. He owes you that much at least. Right?
You're probably right. Damn it.
I reluctantly pulled away from him, a hard thing to do as it felt like he was suctioned to my body. When he felt me move, Edward stopped immediately. His body tensed and his expression grew afraid.
"Please Edward, let's go inside. We need to dry off. Ok?"
All he did was nod as he tried to reach for my hand. I stepped to the side, avoiding the contact. I knew that if he touched me, I would not stay strong. What I needed now was to hold my ground. We needed to talk.
Edward followed me upstairs and to my room. I watched as his head moved back and forth, taking in all of my possessions. His hand reached out occasionally, brushing his fingers along old pictures and drawing, books and CDs, an old computer and printer… remnants of a life I had lived with Charlie.
"I'll go get us some towels."
"Ok."
He stood in the center of my room as I walked out to the linen closet. Once I was out of sight I took the opportunity to breathe in and out deeply, to try and calm my nerves. I was so scared and I didn't know why exactly. He had apologized and told me he loved me. What was left to be scared of?
How about if he does it again?
I realized the apparent root of my problems. There was nothing to reassure me that Edward would not try to leave me again, whether it be for my own good or not. I was hoping he could say something, do something to make the promise real. I needed to know if he could restore my confidence in him.
I grabbed two large towels and headed back to my room. Edward had not moved an inch. His eyes were trained on the door, awaiting my return with an eagerness that seemed so innocent.
"Here." I threw him the towel, afraid of getting too close.
"Bella, I…"
"Why did you do it, Edward?" I guess there's no beating around the bush tonight.
"Because I'm an idiot." The towel was wrapped around his shoulders, not really doing anything to dry him off. His hands were gripping the cloth tightly as he spoke. "I thought I was doing you a favor Bella. I thought if I removed myself from the situation, you could carry on with the life you had planned on before you met me."
"Who put you in charge Edward?" I stepped towards him, anger boiling up inside. "Why is it that you think you know better than I do?"
"Thought." He shook his head.
"Thought?"
"I only thought I knew what was best for you. I was wrong. So fucking wrong." He sunk down so he was sitting on the ground, legs bent up to his chest. I mimicked his actions, our knees so close they were almost touching.
"Yes, you were." I was dying to touch him. My hand reached out and sat on his right knee. I gripped it hard as I continued. "How could you think that Edward? I told you. I fucking told you that I wanted to be with you! And you left me. You left me at the airport as I was flying home for my father's wedding! Do you know what that did to me?"
"I listened to every single message. I read every single text. Every time I heard you cry, I cried too."
I gasped audibly. He had heard my messages. And cried? Then what took him so long?
"Why didn't you come sooner then?"
He shook his head.
"I thought I was doing what I wanted. I thought maybe in time the pain of leaving you would lessen. I was a fool, though, to ever think that. Eventually I realized that I would never be able to forget you and that my feelings for you would never diminish. My only hope rested on knowing that you would be happy in the path you had chosen."
"I haven't been happy since you left me Edward."
"I know that now. But I thought it would be selfish of me to make you follow me, live with a man who would be absent more than he was present."
"But I would do it Edward. I love you. I would do anything to be with you."
"And I would do anything to be with you. That's why I've withdrawn from Johns Hopkins. I'm going to attend NU's med program."
"No! Edward that's your dream! You can't give that up!"
"It's not my dream anymore. I'm not happy there. I want to stay in Evanston with you and my family."
"But you'll end up resenting me, for making you give it up."
"Oh Bella," his head shook faster, "I could never begrudge you anything. That was what I was afraid of though; that you would hate me for pulling you away from the life you had built for yourself. This is my choice and I want to."
His hands came up to rest on mine, grabbing onto them with a softness I had missed. His thumb caressed the skin near mine. I leaned forward, wanting to be closer to his touch.
"But what if you leave me again?" I closed my eyes as I cried my fears out. My body was shaking, and I doubted it was from the cold this time. Edward's hands left mine and reached out to my shoulders. I tried to move away, but his grip tightened on me.
"No Bella, come here." His hands moved down to under my arms, hoisting me up by my armpits. He brought me over to rest in his lap, enveloping me in his strong arms. I molded myself against him, trying to get as close as humanly possible.
"You could do it again. You could, Edward. You could leave me again." I sobbed out the words, scared to death of what would happen to me if he did. I may have been surviving alright now, but that did not mean I was strong enough for this a second time around.
"Never again, love. I will never leave you again." He leaned back against my bed, bringing me with him to rest against his chest. His words were meant to reassure, but they only upset me further.
"You can't promise that! You promised me before and you broke every single one." I pushed against his chest wanting to get up and walk away, but his arms were a cage around me, keeping me firmly against his body.
"No Isabella. I didn't break every single promise. I never stopped loving you."
"You c-c-can't prove that."
His hand reached down to my neck, fingering the chain around it, much like Jake had done earlier. Only this time, I looked into a face that was full of love and hope. Edward was not mad at the sight of his necklace on me.
"Remember the night I gave this to you? I asked you to never take it off, and you promised that you wouldn't. Earlier tonight when I saw you with that… boy, I was afraid you had moved on, that I was too late to win you back. But then I saw this around your neck still and I knew that you still loved me. I knew that I still had a chance at loving you again, the way I wanted to."
I didn't know what to say. He had seen me outside with Jacob? How? I was opening my mouth to ask when I saw him reach down into his shirt and pulled out my necklace's partner. The white gold was the only part of him that looked well cared for, shiny and free of marks or other blemishes.
"I never took it off. Not once Bella."
"And I had them make one for me. So I can have you close to my heart too, since you are always there."
The words came back to me with a force strong enough to knock me over had Edward not been holding on to me so tightly. Even when he left me, he had wanted at least some small part of me with him always.
Relief and exhaustion overtook me as I buried my face in his neck. My tears mixed with the wet open mouthed kisses I placed along his skin. I breathed him in deeply, his scent soothing and relaxing my strained body.
"You can't ever…never…Edward…stay with me." My words kept getting caught in my throat.
"Shhh." He stroked the back of my hair, rocking me slightly back and forth. "Always, my love. I will stay with you always."
I don't know how long we sat like that, my legs and arms wrapped tightly around him, but I was stirred awake when Edward lifted me to a standing position.
"Bella, I'm going to find some clothes to change into. You don't mind if I borrow something from your dad right?" I shook my head no. "Why don't you change into something warmer. I'll be right back."
I hurriedly stripped off my now damp clothes. I grabbed the first items my hands came in contact with, sweatpants and another t-shirt. I dressed quickly, needing to see Edward come through my door and back to me. A few minutes passed and Edward had still not returned.
Where is he? Did he leave?
Panic was rising like bile in my throat as I ran out of my room and towards Charlie's. As I reached it, Edward walked out in a flannel button up and old gym shorts. They hung off his frame slightly, Charlie being a bit bigger than him.
"Bella? What's the matter?" He looked scared as he saw the tears in my eyes forming again.
"I just thought…I was worried that…"
"Come here love." He scooped me up and carried me back into my room.
He set me down in the middle of the mattress and followed shortly after, pressing right up against me. I rolled onto my side to face him, moving into his arms. He pulled me in the rest of the way, tucking my head under his chin and rubbing soothing circles against my back.
"I love you Isabella Swan."
"I love you Edward Cullen."
"Forever."
as always, reviews are much appreciated. especially after this chapter. i'd love to know your thoughts.